Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Justin & Kylie's 28th Anniversary

Transcript

Justin & Kylie's 28th Anniversary · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: On The Happy Family's podcast. We love to celebrate everything family,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: especially the really good stuff, and I'm so excited to announce. Announce.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Announce makes it feel very formal, Kylie. Tomorrow. The announcement
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: is you and I have been married for twenty eight years.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Tomorrow.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, tomorrow, the twentieth March. Twentieth March is tomorrow, Friday,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: the twentieth March. We were literally married on a Friday
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: twenty eight years ago. And you are not looking very
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: good right now.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: Okay, so either our lives are extremely busy, which they are,
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: or maybe my friend Perry's haven't you haven't.
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: Your friend very Yeah?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she shows up a fair bit lately.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: For those who haven't got the gag Peri Menophaus's. So
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I've got a whole lot of ideas that I because
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: because it's our wedding anniversary tomorrow, I've put today's podcast together.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Tomorrow's a little bit of tomorrow on the podcast, which
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: means we're going to do normal programming tomorrow. And I
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: wanted to talk about the lessons that I've learned when
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: it comes to having a happy marriage, because I just,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: unlike some people in this podcast studio right now, I
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: can't think of anything that I'd love to do more
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: than celebrate twenty eight years with the person.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: You're so bad. I'm so bad, You're so bad.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. That's coming up next to the five
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: biggest lessons that I've learned in the last twenty eight
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: years about how to have a successful marriage. I don't
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: know how this is going to go. Stay with us.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Hello and welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: every single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. During
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: the commercial break, we have had a quick conversation about
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: what an anniversary means. I've handed Kylie the script. We're
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: on board now. It is definitely our wedding anniversary tomorrow, twentieth.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Oh and you've got it wrong, twentieth of March, twenty
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: eight years.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: I'm a bit confused because you have five lessons here,
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: but you've left the most important ones out.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Oh no, okay, Well, so what I'm going to do
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: is I'm going to whizz through these five lessons and
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: you can pick on me as much as you want
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and tell me what I have missed, because that's the
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: important stuff. So here we go. I'm going to rock
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: it through them.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: Let's could be the shortest podcast in the whole world
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: if you just let me share the two lessons that
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: you should have learned after twenty eight years of marriage.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: It's the teas, it's the hark. You've got to hang
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: around for. Kylie's big two lessons that aren't in the
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: script that I have no idea what you're going to
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: do about. I've actually a bit nervous. Do you want
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: to do them? Straight up? Now? Come on, let's do
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: it now? No, come on, this is what happens after
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: for years.
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: Oh boy, Lesson number one? What have you learned?
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: You're so good. I'm really curious to know what you
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: think I should have put on this list. Let's number one.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: We choose each other every day. That is something that
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: you have said again and again in conversations with me.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: You're so grateful that I choose you every day, and likewise,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: for me, every choice that we make to commit is
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: a choice to literally renounce the infinite alternatives that are
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: out there. It's like we've burnt the bridges. There's a ring,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: and I think there's nothing else to think about, no
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: one else to think about. You can't have a fulfilling
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: relationship unless you close off any other possibility that you
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: would consider other options, you just fully commit. It's like, well, even.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: If that other option is to walk away, Like literally,
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: it's an acknowledgment that no matter what we're going through,
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: we're here for the long haul, we're in this together,
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: and we're going to choose each other.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: Quick caveat on that. If you're in a dangerous situation,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: if there's an inappropriate level of control or force or
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: harm occurring, then all options should once get be on
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: the table, including being able to walk away. But clearly
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: that's not an issue here. After twenty eight years, the
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: happiest marriages and we've got some really good friends around
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: us who have been in delightful marriages for just as long,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: if not longer. They haven't found quite unquote the perfect partner,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: because the perfect partner doesn't exist. They're the ones where
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: people decided that this was the person. They closed the
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: door on any other options, They burnt the boats, there's
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: no going back, and they poured everything into that one
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: relationship prerequisite for fulfillment. Just so so grateful for the
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: choice that I made, not interested in any other choices
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: that I could have made I.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Guess we were going to put a KB on it.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: It's finding that the one person who's willing to choose you,
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: because without that joint decision process, you can choose someone
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: every day of the week, but if they don't choose
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: you back, then.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Life is hard.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: Well, we're dating. I remember saying to you, I just
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: want to find somebody who will love me as much
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: as I love them. That's it. So long as that's there,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: we're going to be okay because I know that once
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I choose somebody and on they be committed. And I'm
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: grateful that I found you twenty eight years marriage. My
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: second big lesson misappy families is this, we need to
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: accept the person that we're with for who they are.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: There's no value in trying to change that person.
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: I love the research that got mean did behind all
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: of this. Yeah, he says that eighty percent of what
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: you don't like about your spouse drum roll, drum roll,
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: you will never change. Boom therapy won't remove it, nagging
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: will harden it. It will be there forever.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so early on in our relationship, I thought
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: that my job was to fix you so that you
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: could be in the image of me. You could do
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: the stuff that you could, stop doing the stuff that
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: annoyed me, and start doing all of the stuff that
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: I liked. But what we've discovered is that the twenty
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: percent of stuff that has always bothered me about you
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: has always bothered me about you. I still get annoyed
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: about the same stuff now that I did twenty eight
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: years ago, and you do me as well. You're looking
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: at me like there's nothing that I ever do that
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: annoys you. You're looking confused right now.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, what do I do that.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: We're not going to do that on the podcast. We're
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: not going there at all. But what I will say
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: is that you would like me to work less. You
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: want me to slow down. But that's not who I am.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: It's not who I ever was, and it is not
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: who I will ever be. And if I did slow down,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: I would cease to be me and I'd probably be
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: a lot less likable. You wouldn't like me as much
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: because I'd be around frustrated. So the choice is that
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: we can spend twenty eight years frustrated. I'll spend twenty
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: eight years grateful for the eighty percent. It's incredible, and
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: you and I choose gratitude.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for my sense of humor.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: Do you want a third one? I'm going to do
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: the third one.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: What's the number three? Honey?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: What have you learned when you are irritated by your
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: spouse or partner's behavior, That is your character flaw, not theirs.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: This is a pickup on number two. As I was
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: thinking about I thought, oh, this is really two points,
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: not one. And I got this one of my friends
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: and mentors, one of our friends and mentors, Professor H.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Wallace Goddard. So the example that he gives is that
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: he hates clutter on the kitchen counter, but his wife,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: his wonderful wife, Nancy, doesn't really mind at all if
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: the kitchen counter is cluttered.
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: And I'm laughing because I can literally hear whalle he's
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: saying this.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I can hear so politely and so gently and so
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: lovingly the words Nancy saying, but Nancy, why do we
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: need all this here? And what he said was, this
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: is my problem. This is not Nancy's problem. This is
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: my problem. I have to realize that my preference for
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: a clean counter doesn't make me right, it makes me inflexible.
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: That's such a powerful lesson, and I think that one
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: lesson yeah, could literally turn the table on so many
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: challenged relationships.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: The only thing that I would say that doesn't count
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: for is digital media and the way that that interferes
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: with the relationship. So we found that it's really helpful
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: to say to one another, I'm going to be on
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: the phone for the next X number of minutes, and
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: this is what I'm doing. So we communicate with each
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: other to explain our emotional and psychological absence. If we
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: don't do that, we do tend to get annoyed because
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: it feels like we're blocking or ignoring the other person.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: But when you do something that drives me crazy, ninety
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: nine percent of the time, it's my problem, not yours.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Sometimes it is right, but it is your problem. It's
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: my patience, is my rigidity, it's my need for.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Commisisve said the were five, So what's number four?
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: So the person who needs to change most is almost
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: always me Number four. I can do this one really quickly.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Choose connection over being right. My whole thing is that
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I can win the argument and lose you, or I
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: can choose connection, And ninety nine percent of the time,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: here we go again, connection matters more than being right.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: I'd rather be married than be right. I'd much rather apologize.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I'd much rather you just think that I'm wrong and
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: me know that I'm right. But have you think that
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I'm wrong? But have you satisfied that I'm satisfied that
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: you know that I'm sorry that we're having a fight
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: or an argument or a disagreement? Is this working? Is
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: this the worst podcast we've ever done? Are are you
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: enjoying this?
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: I think it's hilarious.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: And the last one is the relationship is the priority.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: The relationship is the priority, which kind of sounds like
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: number one. I've kind of gone full circle. But as
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: I was writing and I was like, eh, choosing each
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: other every day is slightly different than saying the relationship
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: is the priority. So you and I go for our
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: quarterly getaways. We just had our quarterly getaway two nights
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: away at the start of this week. We disappeared on
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Sunday night and Monday night. We had our ten thousand
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: day anniversary last August. I calculated how many days we've
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: been married. It was ten thousand days, and we went
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: in a hot air balloon. We do date nights. We
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: do yo yo knights. Where the kids. We say to
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: the kids, you're on your own because Mum and I
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: not looking after you. You're responsible for you. It only
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: works with big kids. You can't do it with two
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: year olds going to the shops, going for a walk together,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: being interested, checking in, turning off the phone. The relationship
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: is the priority. So there my top five relationship lessons
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: after the break. I don't know where this is going
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: to go, but missus Happy Families has heard big two
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: things for how we've survived and thrived and been delighted
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: with the last twenty eight years. Stay with us, We're back.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, Real parenting solutions every single
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: day and Australa's most downloaded parenting podcast. This is not
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: in the script. I have no idea where you're going.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: What are your two big important lessons that everybody needs
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: to know about a happy marriage? And why are you laughing?
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: There's only two words, my honey. I'll get these things.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: You get these two words right and your life will
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: be happy.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Yes, dear, are you actually going there? That's
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: where you're going? Like the nineteen seventies joke, the joke
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: that our parents used to tell, yes, dear, that's your
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: marriage advice. Are you serious?
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: Happy wife, happy life? That is.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. I feel like we've just transported back
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: fifty years. I've gone through, all I've gone to, all
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: this effort, I've put together this incredible list. You forgot
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: that it was our wedding anniversary tomorrow, and now you're
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: saying yes dear and happy life, happy life, And you
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: know the hardest thing. You're absolutely right.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I know I'm making light of it, but was that really.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: What you were thinking the whole way through? Or have
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: you got something that you wrote the words down at
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: the start? Oh my goodness. So just behind the curtain
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: with a Happy Family's podcast, you can see who does
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: the prep and who walks in. Waltz is in and
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: says what are we talking about today? What's on the
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: agenda today? And gets paid the big bucks for it too?
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: And did you know when we're When we're out and
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: people meet us, people will usually recognize me from the
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: TV or something like that. But then I'll say, is
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: this missus Happy Family? Is this is this Kylie? And
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: people will say, I listened to Kylie on the podcast. Kylie,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: you are my favorite I love you. You are just
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: amazing like people. People think that I'm helpful, but people
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: love you and he yes, dear happy wife, happy life,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: happy aniversary.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Are you going to souk now? Do we need to
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: play your themes?
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: No?
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: Don't you dare.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Something?
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: But thank you Ja for I'm not a sor I'm
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: not a s This has become a running gag in
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: our family and it's hurting my heart. I fel like
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: I'm having a sook about not being a souk. We
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: need to wrap this up.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: I know we've been making light of things, and.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Who's been making things. I've taken these really seriously. I
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: had five good things on my list.
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: I forgot the two most important ones. But as I
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: think back on the last twenty eight years of marriage
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: and the lessons that we've learnched together, the one that
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: has blessed our lives undeniably is our willingness to choose
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: each other every day. You talked about number five and
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: just the acknowledgment about making the relationship the priority. It
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: can be really really easy in the busy, running and
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: monotony of family life that we think we're choosing each
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: other because we're doing it together. We've got our own roles,
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: and we're kind of keeping the cogs turning in the family.
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: But that's different to actually choosing each other and making
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: the relationship a priority, actually making time to be together,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: not because we're in bed, scrolling next to each other
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: with our phones, or even even sitting down and watching
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: the TV while we're sharing the activity.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: Connect Yes, feeling seen herd valued, accepted, feeling validated, feeling
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: like a matter in your life, not just sharing space.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and there was definitely a lot of years, especially
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: when the kids were younger, where we didn't have the
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: opportunity to, you know, take ourselves out of the home
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: and spend time together without a child or children, you know,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: kind of attached to us, and.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: We couldn't afford babysitters, and we couldn't afford babysitters.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: But we actually got to a point where we recognized
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: just how depleted our relationship had gotten too because we
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: hadn't had that opportunity. We hadn't made the effort or
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: the sacrifice needed to make that a priority. And the
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: greatest blessing that has come into our lives as a
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: result of that learning was making it a priority. So
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: whatever it looks like to you just taking the opportunity
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: to if it's go for a walk around the neighborhood
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: for twenty minutes every night, or making sure you just
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: have some cuddle time before you actually close your eyes,
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: have a chat, connect, talk about the things that you're
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: grateful for today, or what's your biggest worry.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: We'll just touch it, touch on corridor, right like, just
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: acknowledge each other.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: Those things make such a difference to feeling valued, seen
• 15:38
  Speaker 3: and heard in any relationship. And I'm so grateful that
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: we have had twenty eight years to learn some very
• 15:45
  Speaker 3: valuable lessons that continue to bring joy and delight into
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: our lives.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: And I can't wait to surprise you tomorrow for the
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: wedding anniversary. You didn't know we were happy.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: You're so slack.
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: How good is that? The Happy Families podcast is produced
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. Mmahammonds provides additional support
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: for the pod, and if you like more info to
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: make your family happier, visit us at happy families dot
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: com dot a