Latest / Your Utmost Life / From Always Available to Strategically Present: Reclaiming Your Life as a Mother

Transcript

From Always Available to Strategically Present: Reclaiming Your Life as a Mother · Your Utmost Life

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: So there I was.
• 0:00
  Speaker 1: It was 1147 pm on a Friday night and I was laying in bed with my phone on full volume again.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: My 19-year-old was out with her friends and my 16-year-old son was upstairs asleep and my husband was snoring beside me.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: But there I was, wide awake, scrolling through my phone, because what if someone needed me?
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: What if there was an emergency?
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: What if my daughter texts and I didn't respond immediately like I always do?
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: This was a woman who used to sleep peacefully, who used to have boundaries around her time, who used to believe that being unavailable sometimes was actually healthy.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: But somewhere between dance practice and school emergencies, between being the family coordinator and the designated problem solver, I programmed myself to believe that being a good mom meant being available 24-7, like a customer service department for her family.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Lying there exhausted but unable to turn off my phone.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I realized that I hadn't had an uninterrupted shower in months, hadn't finished a phone call with friends in years, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd said I'm not available right now to anyone in my family.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: I'd become the family's emotional 911 service, always on call, always ready to drop everything, always available, and I was drowning in my own accessibility.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: If you have ever felt like your family's personal emergency hotline, if you've canceled plans because someone might need you, or if you feel guilty when your phone isn't within arm's reach, you're not alone, and what I'm about to share will completely change how you think about availability and what it really means to be a good mom, because the belief that good moms are always available isn't just exhausting you.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: It's actually teaching your family some really unhealthy lessons about relationships, boundaries and respect, and by the end of this episode, you'll understand why the most loving thing you can do is become strategically unavailable.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Do you look at the mirror, barely recognizing that woman staring back at you?
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: That woman who used to have dreams, passions and a sense of purpose beyond taking care of everyone else?
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: As moms, we often lose ourselves in the endless cycle of being everything to everyone.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: The overwhelming feeling of disconnection from who we truly are, the struggle to find balance, the deep longing to feel confident and worthy again.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Misty Chelly, welcome to your Utmost Life.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Each week, we have real, honest conversations about rediscovering yourself, building unshakable confidence and reconnecting with the joy that lights you up Through practical strategies and transformative insights.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: We'll explore what it means to move from feeling lost to living fully.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Because here's the truth.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: You're not just someone's everything, you are someone, and it's time to embrace your utmost self.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Let's get clear on what we really believe.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: When we say good moms are always available, what we're really saying is that love equals accessibility.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: That being a good mom means being 24-7 service provider, that your worth as a mother is measured by how quickly you respond to every text, every request, every minor crisis.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Let me ask you something.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: If your best friend called you crying because her husband expects her to answer his calls within 60 seconds every single time, would you tell her that his request is reasonable and healthy?
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: No.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: If your daughter's future boss demanded she be available 24-7, never take a real break and always put his needs before her own well-being, would you celebrate that job?
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: No.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: And if your son's future wife expected him to drop everything he's doing every time she needed something, never finish a conversation with friends and always prioritize her convenience over his own peace, would you call that a loving relationship?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: No.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So why do we do that exact same thing with our families?
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Why do you measure your worth as a mother by how often you interrupt your own life?
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Here's what I know about healthy relationships they have boundaries.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: Love doesn't demand consistent accessibility.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: In fact, healthy love respects when someone is unavailable, because it understands that people need space, rest and uninterrupted time to be a whole human being.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Think about the healthiest, most successful people you know.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Do they answer every text within minutes?
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Do they drop everything every time someone needs something non-urgent?
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Do they sleep with their phones on full volume in case someone might need them?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: Or do they have office hours, set boundaries around their availability, turn their phones off sometimes and guess what?
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: People still love them, respect them and consider them reliable.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Every day you operate as your family's 24-7 service center.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: You're teaching them that boundaries don't matter, that their convenience trumps your peace and that love means someone is always on call.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: You're raising children who don't know how to solve problems independently and who expect immediate responses to non-urgent needs.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: So let me ask you do you want to continue teaching your family that good relationships mean someone is always on call and available, creating dependent, boundary-less adults?
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Or are you ready to model what healthy availability actually looks like Available when needed, but not at the expense of your own well-being?
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: Here's what I believe, with everything in me.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Constant availability is not love, it's fear.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Fear that if you're not always accessible, you're not needed Fear that if you set boundaries around your time, you're not a good mom.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: But listen, being constantly available doesn't make you a better mother.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: It makes you a burned out mother.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: I believe that healthy relationships, including the ones with your children, require boundaries.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: When you're always available, you teach your family that their immediate wants matter more than your ongoing need.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: You teach them that interrupting someone is normal.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: You teach them that people don't deserve uninterrupted time.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing when you're always available to everyone else, you're never available to yourself.
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: You can't hear your own thoughts, pursue your own interests or have your own experiences because you're constantly managing everyone else's.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Your family doesn't need you to be their 24-7 customer service representative.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: They need you to model what healthy relationships look like.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: They need to see people that can love each other deeply and still have boundaries.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: That being unavailable sometimes doesn't mean you care less.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: It means you care enough about the relationship to maintain your own well-being so you can show up fully when it matters.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: When you're strategically unavailable, beautiful things happen.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: Your family learns to solve problems independently.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: They learn to respect other people's time.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: They learn that love doesn't mean immediate access to someone and they learn that you are a whole person with your own needs, not just their personal assistant.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: This isn't about becoming unavailable to real emergencies or unimportant moments.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: This is about recognizing the difference between urgent and convenient, between necessary and preferred, between being helpful and not and being used.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Your constant availability isn't serving your family.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: It's enabling them and it's exhausting you in the process.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: If you're ready to stop being your family's 24-7 helpline and start modeling healthy availability, here's exactly what to do.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: First, recognize the always available patterns.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: You'll know you're stuck in the always available trap when you sleep with your phone at full volume in case someone might need you.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: You've canceled personal appointments four plus times in the last six months for your family emergencies.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: You answer texts within three minutes 90% of the time.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Even when you're in the middle of something, you feel guilty when you're unreachable for more than an hour.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Your family expects immediate responses to non-urgent questions like what's for dinner tomorrow.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: You can't finish a phone call with a friend without being interrupted multiple times.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: You've never said I'm not available right now to a family member asking for something non-urgent, or your personal time gets interrupted so often you've stopped planning it.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: Can you see yourself in any of these?
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: This isn't good.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Healthy mothering.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: This is boundary-less living.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: That's teaching your family unhealthy relationship patterns.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: Second is understanding what healthy availability actually looks like.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: So healthy availability means being accessible when truly needed, but unavailable for convenience.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: It means your family knows they can count on you for real emergencies and important moments, but they also know that you have boundaries around interruptions.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Think about it like this Even the best doctors have office hours.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: Even the most caring teachers aren't available 24-7.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: And even the most loving spouses sometimes say can we talk about this after my meeting?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Boundaries around availability aren't selfish.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: They're essential for healthy relationships.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: And third is create strategic unavailability.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: This isn't about becoming unreachable, it's about becoming intentionally available.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: So establish communication hours.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: Let your family know you're available for non-urgent questions and when you're not For example, I'm available for texts between seven and nine, but unless it's an emergency, I won't respond until after nine.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Define emergency versus convenience.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Have a clear conversation.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: What constitutes as an emergency?
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Running out of shampoo is not an emergency.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: Forgetting homework isn't an emergency.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: Not knowing what to wear isn't an emergency Practice.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: The delay when someone asks for something non-urgent practice saying let me get back to you on that instead of dropping everything immediately.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: Turn off notifications during your personal time, family time or focused time.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: The world will not end if you don't see that text for two hours.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: Stop mid-conversation rescuing.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: If you're on a call with a friend and your teenager interrupts you to ask where the ketchup is, don't immediately help signal that you're busy and they need to wait or figure it out.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: And fourth is change your internal dialogue.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Instead of if I don't respond immediately, I'm a bad mom, try teaching my family to respect boundaries makes me a good mom.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: And instead of words like they need me to be available all the time, try they need me to model what healthy availability looks like.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Instead of I should always be accessible to my family, try something like being strategically unavailable teaches my family independence and respect.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: Let me show you what this actually looks like in the real world, because this isn't just a mindset shift.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: It's a transformation that unfolds step by step, and the best way I have found to move from this constant availability to healthy presence is through the your Utmost Life method, a three-phase process discover design and do the discover phase.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: This is where it all begins.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: You start by recognizing that your worth as a mom has never been about being on call.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: You realize that underneath your exhaustion is a belief that you've unknowingly carried.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: That love means being constantly accessible.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: But real love, the kind that creates healthy relationships.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: It includes boundaries, it includes rest.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: It includes you.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: The second phase is the design phase.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Once you've uncovered that buried belief, it's time to rebuild.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: In this phase, you'll rewrite the story you've been living by.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: You begin replacing the lie that good moms are always available with the truth that good moms model self-respect.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: You design a new belief system, one that honors both your family's needs and your own capacity.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: And the third phase is the doing phase.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: This comes the part where most of us need the most support making it real in everyday life.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: This is where you start building daily patterns that support those boundaries you've created.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Where your time is no longer up for grabs, when your presence becomes intentional, not automatic, where your family learns to respect your limits because you've taught them how.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: This is also where the boundary framework comes in.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: These aren't just abstract concepts.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: These are tools you can start using now.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Tools like the message boundary you choose when and how you respond to text calls or questions.
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: You are not a 24-7 help desk.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: The emotional boundary your peace doesn't have to rise and fall with everyone else's emotions.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: You are allowed to stay centered even when things around you are not.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: The presence boundary you decide when you're mentally and physically present and when you're not.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Being in the same room doesn't always mean being available and the involvement boundary your availability is allowed to shift as your family grows.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: What served them when they were five may not serve them when they're 15 or 25.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: You get to evolve.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Each of these boundaries isn't just about your time.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: They're about your identity.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: They are the visible evidence of the deeper work that you are doing to reclaim your worth and to raise a family that understands.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: Love isn't about constant access.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: It's about mutual respect.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Listen, here's the deal.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Constant availability isn't love, it's codependency.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: When you're always on call for your family's every want and whim, you're not being a good mom, you're being an enabler.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Your family doesn't need you to be available 24-7.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: They need you to teach them what healthy relationships look like.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: They need to learn that people have boundaries, that interrupting someone is disrespectful and that love doesn't mean immediate access to another person.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing that might surprise you when you become strategically unavailable, your family doesn't love you less.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: They respect you more.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: They learn to value your time.
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: They develop independence.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: They understand that you are a whole person, not just their personal assistant.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: The most loving thing you can do for your family is to stop being constantly available and start modeling healthy boundaries, because the way you allow yourself to be treated teaches your children how to treat others and how to expect to be treated.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: Listen, I know that this isn't easy to hear, especially when your whole heart is wrapped up in being a good mom.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: I've been there, I've walked through it and it is hard.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: But the truth is this always being available doesn't make you a better mother.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: It just makes you an exhausted one.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: And exhaustion isn't the badge of love we've been taught.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: It is.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: The path forward isn't about being less loving or less present.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: It's about being less consumed.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: It's about remembering that your value was never supposed to come from how quickly you respond or how often you drop everything.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: It was meant to come from who you are your whole self, the woman who loves deeply, who shows up fully, but who also gets to matter in her own life.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: So if anything I said today hit home, if you saw yourself in the examples or felt that tug.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: Of this is me, I want to invite you to take one simple, gentle step.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Go to your utmost selfcom forward, slash, reset and download your free copy of invisible to seen a seven day reset for moms.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: This isn't fluff.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: This isn't more to add to your to do list.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: It's seven days of small soul field shifts to help you reconnect with who you are, beyond the noise, the guilt and the role.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: If you've ever felt like you answer everyone else's needs but ignore your own, you don't remember the last time you had 15 minutes of uninterrupted time or you look in the mirror and think where did I go?
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: This is for you, because here's the deal You're not asking for too much, you're not being selfish.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: You're just overdue to feel like you again, because your family doesn't need you to be available 24-7.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: They need you to be whole, and that starts with giving yourself permission to step out of constant service mode and step back into your own presence.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: You are not broken.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: You're just buried, and sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to start digging.