Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / 4 Things You Need to Do to Change Your Experience of Divorce - Part 3

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4 Things You Need to Do to Change Your Experience of Divorce - Part 3 · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hummel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in thoughtful, deeply supportive DMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love, completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the World Tree people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging, and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate for this week.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: The final in what became a three-part sort of mini-series.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is the third and final key things that you can use to shift or change your experience of divorce.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Key things that will change your experience of divorce.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And the last four things I'm going to speak about in today's episode are define the drivers, change your story, shift your thinking, and become the CEO.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So firstly, define the drivers.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: What do I mean by that?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, I mean define and understand your own drivers.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: What motivates you?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's important to you?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: What sits underneath and behind your decisions, your choices, your thinking, your behavior, your actions?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: What are your drivers?
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: What is underneath your behavior?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: What are your highest values?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are your core life values?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: What's most important to you?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And therefore, what underpins everything that you think, everything that you do?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: What are your drivers?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is for example being a present connected parent important to you?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is wealth, money, wealth accumulation, is that really important to you?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Financial security, outward success, career success, what is it that's important to you?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then what's underneath that?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: What's important to you and why?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath the driver?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: What underpins the values that you live your life by?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: If it is financial security, is it if it is wealth creation, what's underneath that?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that you need to appear successful externally?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Is it that you need that to feel safe and secure?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: So what is driving your behavior?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath it?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So really getting clear, really knowing what these are can help you better understand your own behavior, especially when it comes to family and money.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Two of the key things we are making decisions about when we separate, when we divorce, in negotiation, in mediation.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Family, money, what is driving you, what's driving your behaviour.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Getting clear about that and understanding what drives your decisions and behavior will change the way you navigate mediation, discussions, negotiations.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: It will therefore change the way you experience your divorce.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Also, understanding what are the drivers that are important to your ex, what drives your ex, what's really important to him or to her.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing this can be key in getting to an agreement.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you understand what motivates and drives the person that you're that you're trying to negotiate with and come to an agreement with.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is important to me, this is what drives me, this is what I'm making decisions based upon.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you can bring that into the mediation, you can bring it into the discussion.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's not possible for everybody, okay?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: So getting to an but it can be really useful and powerful in helping you to come to an agreement, getting to an agreement where both of you feel that what is most important has been heard, has been seen, has been honored, and you've built an agreement around all of that that serves both of you and your children if you have children.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you can't do it amicably, if you can't be in the same room, if you can't openly declare your drivers, your values, because that will be weaponized or used against you or whatever.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: For whatever reason, you can't do that openly.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: Being really, really fucking clear on what your key drivers and values are makes it easier for you to look at things objectively and let go of the things that don't really matter, that don't really matter to you.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: What are your key drivers?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What are your core values?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is this in alignment?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, don't have to worry about it, I can let that go.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or actually, this is something that I really need to hold on to, this is something that I need to put on the table and negotiate around because it is important to me, it is aligned with my core values, it is something that is part of my the driver for my life.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And as well as giving you insight and understanding of yourself, you can use that same information and apply it with your ex why your ex-partner might view something as really crucially important.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So understanding their drivers can also help you shift the way you look at something, you shift the way that you look at what they're bringing to the table.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're not just being annoying and obstructive and irritating, maybe it really is important to them.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not quite so important to you.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: So understanding what drives them can also help you in negotiation, discussion, mediation, getting to a yes, getting to an agreement.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you understand what drives them, you can also use that to your advantage when you're negotiating, when you're mediating.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not easy, but understanding your drivers and acting in alignment with what is most important to you helps you strip out the noise, strip out what's not really important, and therefore can it can change the way you behave, the way you respond, the way you react, and your experience of divorce.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy, and it is something that I help all of my clients with.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: We get really clear on what is important, what do you value most, what is if you're behaving or making decisions, if you're behaving in a certain way, making certain decisions, what's underneath that?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath that behavior?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: What's driving that decision?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it fear?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Is it scarcity?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get underneath it, let's explore it, get curious about it, understand it, bring it to the surface so that you can shift it and you can use it to change your experience of divorce.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing that can change the way you experience divorce, the way you think about it, the way you feel about it, is changing your story.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And by that I don't mean changing the facts or changing the truth, right?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I mean when we tell our story over and over and over, yes, it can help, and it can also help keep us stuck in the story.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we become a character in the story, and depending on the character that you're assigned you've assigned yourself in that story, it can actually be unhelpful to stay stuck in that story.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: There may come a time when it's actually keeping you stuck, telling your story either to others or in your own head over and over is keeping you stuck rather than enabling you to move through the experience of divorce and forward.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: So changing the story you tell yourself and other people can actually help change your experience, change your experience of divorce.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And to illustrate this, I thought I would share a story.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I spoke in an event recently, a storytelling event, and I stood up and shared a story about my own divorce.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: Both of my kids and my ex-husband were in the audience.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: He and I have since had a text conversation about it, where he said in a text, I knew it would be I knew it would be about us, but I guess we've got slightly different versions of the same story.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that's true.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you can have a version of your story, your ex-partner will have another version of the same story, and the story of your divorce can be told more than one in more than one way.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it can all change with the words and the language that you choose to use.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So taking a really good inventory, a really honest look at the story that you've been telling yourself and other people about what happened, about your marriage, about your relationship, about your separation, can really help shift things.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: If the story that you're telling, if the narrative paints you as a victim or it's filled with anger and bitterness, negativity, if it's making you out to be the really bad cop and you're blaming and shaming yourself, it's time to question yourself.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, question the truthfulness because you're telling yourself one story, your ex is telling themselves another story.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like Mike said to me, we've got slightly different versions of the same story.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: So question your own truthfulness, question what you're missing, what you're leaving out, if anything, question the language that you're using, and then rewrite the words, rewrite the story in a way that actually empowers you.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship, your marriage, it happened.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: You got into that relationship for all good reasons.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your divorce, it happened, or it's happening.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And whatever your story is, you can choose to allow some of the sting, some of the negativity, some of the sadness, the hurt, the painful parts.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can choose to not minimize them, but just let them go a little bit.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, our brain loves to hang on to stories, and focusing on them sometimes makes them bigger than they are, and they take up more space and energy than really they deserve to.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: So you can choose to let go a little bit, you can choose to prevent the more negative aspects from taking up so much space or permanent space in your head by rewriting the story a little bit in a more positive, empowered way without minimising any of the crappy parts.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: But doing this can save you time, energy, mental anguish, heartbreak, and it saves you from getting stuck in a story that is yours to actually change, stuck in victim mode, stuck in blaming yourself mode, whatever it was, stuck in what was rather than focusing on where you are now, where you're headed, and what you're creating.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you can actually rewrite your story a little bit, free yourself from a mindset that takes you into whatever the negative spin of your story is, far away from the joy and the positive and and the things that you're calling into yourself.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it actually stops you from living happily now and living happily into the future.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: So changing your story without negating or minimizing the negative shitty parts, but just changing some of the language that you use, shifting your story a little bit, can actually help you help change your the way you're experiencing what you're going through now, the way you're experiencing your separation and your experience of divorce.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: It just means you can sort of shift from sitting in that story to okay, I'm here, I'm here now, I want more, I want more for myself and my life.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let this story go.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Leading on from that, the next thing that can change, dramatically change your experience of divorce is shifting your thinking.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Shifting your thinking, changing your mindset, however you want to frame it or define it, you know, leading with open curiosity, changing that inner talk, that inner dialogue from black and white, all or nothing thinking, you know, leading with courage, curiosity, grace, ease, whatever it is for you, shifting the way you think about separation, divorce, shifting the way you think about yourself, shifting the way you think about the hard stuff that you're going through can absolutely powerfully change the way you experience divorce.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean you're not going to have times when it's tough, when it's hard, when it's overwhelming, when you're scared out of your mind about what's coming.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: But shifting your story, the way you talk to yourself, and also the way you think is a powerful way to change the way you're experiencing what's happening around you.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when you notice a really strong thought coming up, I'm angry, I'm devastated, I'm scared, this is going to be a fight, I really need a gun lawyer, I'm terrified about what I'm gonna have to give away or what I'll lose, or that I won't get enough, you know, those sorts of really strong thoughts, it's an opportunity to challenge your own thinking, to acknowledge the feelings.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm scared, and then go next level.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I know that feeling this pain, whatever it is, makes it really difficult to ration to be rational, to make sound decisions.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna work on dialing down my nervous system.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna soothe my nervous system, dial down my reactivity and separate it out from the process.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll get sorted, I'll get prepared so that I can make smart, informed, empowered decisions about what I'm gonna do next.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we'll always have a past together, and now we're gonna change the future.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna look like I thought it would look, it's gonna look different.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, really just trying to have that internal dialogue with yourself and change the way you think.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Change from on a really simple level, change from it being about winning and losing.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of language in separation and divorce about winning and losing and taking someone to the cleaner and getting what you deserve and getting what's rightfully yours.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's all combative language and it's all combative thought processes.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: So challenging yourself to go to think in a different way.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, how can I look at this differently?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: How can I think about this differently?
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is a process, it's not a fight to be won or lost.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, it's difficult if it's not coming from the other side in the same way, if the thinking and the behaviour from the other side is coming as combative and high conflict, it can be hard, and you can still shift the way you think about it, you can still shift the way you move through it for you, and that will change your experience of divorce.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Another really good reframe in terms of the way you think about your divorce is it being all someone's fault.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's never all someone's fault, or it's rarely all one person's fault.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you blame yourself or you're blaming your ex, shift the way you think about that.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can you shift your way the way you think about that?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can you think about that differently?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: How can you bring a bit more curiosity, a bit more compassion to the way you think about each of the people in the relationship and in the divorce?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can you shift from being really positional, really black and white, really right-wrong, really my way, your way, win-lose, to a little more compassionate?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Self-compassion and compassion for the other person, particularly if there are children involved, you're gonna be connected with this person for a really long time.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: So how can you shift the way you think about your ex, about yourself, and about the divorce?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: There is still, still in 2024, so many layers, so much, um, I'm gonna I'm gonna say shame, so much, um, so many feelings about feelings about divorce being a failure, you know, we've failed, our marriage has failed.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Can you challenge yourself, if that's your thinking, can you challenge your thinking around that?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can you challenge yourself and come up with a different way to think about it?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because our thoughts inform our feelings, right?
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: And our feelings inform our experience.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can change the way you think about it, you're going to change the way you experience divorce.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: The final thing that absolutely changes your experience of divorce is adopting a CEO mindset, becoming the CEO of your divorce, becoming the driver, the boss of your divorce, understanding that yes, divorce is hard and that it is an emotional issue, primarily an emotional issue which happens to have legal, financial, social, and practical consequences.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: Getting your head around that and being able to strip out the emotion when making key decisions is a game changer.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds easy, right?
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not, but it will absolutely change your experience if you can do this, if you can build your capacity, get the support, have a coach, have a therapist, have a coach, I'm just gonna say it.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Have a coach to help you do this.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out the emotions when making key decisions.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Put your CEO hat on when you are moving through divorce.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: So understand your emotions, get your head around them, and use all the strategies, use your strategies to dial down your nervous system, to soothe your nervous system, ease your reactivity, and step into a higher kind of mindset.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Get out of amiddula hijack.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't let your emotions drive the bus when it comes to divorce.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: A CEO, boss-like mindset.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you need to do to get to put that hat on, get on it.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Being the CEO means that we know there's intense emotions, we know there's intense emotional discomfort, and it's it's finite, it's in the present moment, and so we've got our eye on the prize, right?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: We know where we're headed as the CEO, we know where we're driving.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: So we're willing to sit with those intense, uncomfortable feelings to get the result we most want, to get to the end, to finalise the divorce, to get through the mediation, to get through the negotiation, to get through property settlement, to get your parenting orders sorted.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Move through the discomfort, almost put it over, put it aside, put it down over there, put your CEO hat on and get busy.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: You are in the middle of one of the most destabilizing, highly emotional seasons of life, and you need to be calm, you need to be objective, you need to be rational, you need to be business like, you need to be future focused.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: So you need strategies.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: You need strategies for dialing down the emotions, minimizing your reactivity, knowing what your drivers are, knowing what drives your ex, you know.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: You need strategies for clear, calm communication with yes, your ex and their legal team and your own legal team.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know, like a CEO, what information you need, what you don't know.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Get clear on that and what information you still need, who has that info, and how you can best access it.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: You need an understanding of the process, the legal process, the financial settlement process, the pathways that are open to you, as well as what is expected of you, what are your rights and what are your responsibilities, like the boss.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: You need also to know when to get to delegate, when to delegate and to who.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: All of these are CEO like behaviours, qualities, whatever.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and stepping into a CEO type role, mindset can absolutely shift things for you in really dramatic ways.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's no longer a fight between you and your ex.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's about getting everyone to a yes.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's about resolving the issue, right?
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: We strip out the emotion, we're looking at the issue.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's about coming to agreement without those big emotions getting in the way of your choices, dictating your behavior, or hijacking your decisions.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: And doing this is really hard because the emotions are so strong, they are so high.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: Everything, you know, you're you're ripe for activation.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I do encourage you to go back and have a listen to the other two episodes and use all of the other tips I've shared across these three podcast episodes.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Know how to dial down your nervous system, know how to communicate calmly, know how to hold the vision that you have for yourself and to have the deep trust that you are capable of creating that.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Deep trust in yourself that you are capable of making sound decisions.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: All of that.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And it all is wrapped up into putting that CEO hat and on and navigating your divorce in a business-like, objective, empowered, and grounded way.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: Set the vision just like a business leader would, just like a leader in business a CEO would.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: Outline the vision, the vision statement and the operating values and make sure you believe in its possibility.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Put that CEO cap on and tell yourself that you've got this, that you're enough, you're good enough, just as you are, and start actually believing all that.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds so simple, I know, and you also know, I know it's hard.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: But seeking out the evidence, seek out evidence that you've got this and you can do hard things, that you can trust yourself, you can make sound decisions.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, you might be telling yourself you've already chosen the wrong person once, all that, but seek out evidence, find the evidence that you can and have made good, powerful, strong, CEO-like decisions for yourself.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: And also allow all the feelings, don't minimize them, allow them.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to making decisions, park them for a little bit.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: You need to make these big life-altering decisions with that endpoints, and you need to do it calmly, objectively, rationally, not from a place of fired up, activated, highly emotion, high emotion.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: So that wraps up our three-part keys to changing your experience of divorce podcast episodes.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you found it useful, even this last one where I got a bit rambly and ranty at the end, if you found it useful and supportive and you know someone who would also find it so, please share it.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: It helps them, it helps the podcast get into the ears of people who need to hear it, and it helps all of us build this community.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're all part of it.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you so much for being here.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know you can spend a whole lot of other ways with your time, and I'm really grateful that you choose to spend it here with me.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.