Latest / Very Fine Friends / The Deer Urine Hunter

Transcript

The Deer Urine Hunter · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  I've taken a few yoga classes lately, not trying to be like a yogi or anything, just
• 0:23
  trying it out.
• 0:24
  And one thing that they do in yoga is they're very breath focused, right?
• 0:28
  Uh-huh.
• 0:29
  So it's a lot of like inhale, like exhale through the mouth.
• 0:35
  And then like everyone in the class just goes, right?
• 0:38
  Like it's like, so the other day I was in class and the old woman next to me, I don't
• 0:45
  know what she thought the exhale was supposed to sound like, but it was like a, everybody
• 0:50
  breathing through your nose.
• 0:59
  It was like she was expelling a demon or something.
• 1:02
  Maybe she did.
• 1:03
  She sounded like a deranged horse every single time.
• 1:07
  It was like.
• 1:09
  It was so funny.
• 1:11
  You think as if it was me and I let that noise out the first time and then no one else did it?
• 1:17
  No, she did.
• 1:18
  It's not happening again.
• 1:21
  No, this was clearly not like her first class because she had her like own like mat set up.
• 1:27
  and yeah just it's like i made this old broads just oh this is her game she's trying to make
• 1:33
  happen yeah like she's going out every studio in town like
• 1:36
  she sounded like a horse i can't replicate i wish i i wish i had recording of it uh it was funny
• 1:46
  though and it was taking me out of it in a fun way i'm glad i was taken out of yoga that way
• 1:51
  because she was distracting to me.
• 1:56
  Did you know that I got asked to leave a Pilates class once?
• 2:01
  No.
• 2:01
  Because somebody farted and I laughed and I couldn't stop laughing.
• 2:05
  And so I had to go.
• 2:06
  They asked you to leave?
• 2:08
  Yeah, that was loud.
• 2:09
  That was, yeah.
• 2:12
  I feel like if I was the person, I mean, if it's someone laughing,
• 2:16
  it's like, oh, okay, like we're human beings.
• 2:18
  We can all laugh at things, right?
• 2:20
  I mean, I'm not, I don't not understand why I had to go, but yeah.
• 2:27
  I feel like if I was the person who did that, and then you were asked to leave because of that,
• 2:33
  I would feel even more uncomfortable about what had happened.
• 2:37
  Well, I wish she'd been there to fart.
• 2:41
  Me too, Francis.
• 2:42
  Me too.
• 2:44
  Welcome to Friends Like Us, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
• 2:50
  um how are you francis sorry i caught you mid-siv of water it's okay we're promoting
• 2:57
  water now i've only had some water
• 3:02
  does your grandma sound like this she needs more water go from boom to
• 3:13
  water that was our ad read for water water we'll find a way to make money on it later
• 3:20
  oh we're making money on it yeah no drinking water not paying us if you drink water and you
• 3:27
  haven't paid us god help you and violence to come your way yes yeah it's gonna be old testament
• 3:37
  style.
• 3:40
  Wrath will be
• 3:41
  raining down upon you.
• 3:43
  Guys, don't drink water
• 3:45
  unless you pay us first. That's all
• 3:47
  we're asking. I think they get it.
• 3:49
  They get it. Our listeners are good.
• 3:51
  They wouldn't
• 3:52
  drink water. No. They're good people.
• 3:55
  No. Thirsty, paying people.
• 3:58
  Salt of the earth
• 3:59
  and the salt makes them thirsty.
• 4:00
  They're thirsty.
• 4:07
  Quick interruption. Every week on the podcast, our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own
• 4:15
  secret word. Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word
• 4:22
  into our conversation without the other person noticing. If the other person can correctly guess
• 4:27
  the secret word, they get a point. And right before we die, we add up all the points. And
• 4:35
  then we get a prize, whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words.
• 4:41
  Here's Joe with today's secret words.
• 4:45
  Jenna's secret word is vouching.
• 4:48
  Francis's secret word is legwork.
• 4:51
  Back to the podcast.
• 4:54
  Well, I think it's time to get to our first segment.
• 4:58
  I think it's time for the invention of the week.
• 5:04
  Inventions.
• 5:05
  i was thinking about this earlier and i think you're gonna love this great i know i say that
• 5:18
  every time and you're right every time yeah the invention is
• 5:23
  you know how you have to get your hair cut i do you know how annoying it is i do how expensive it
• 5:31
  is i do not anymore oh i have invented a pair of gloves that you put on and it's a like a virtual
• 5:43
  reality okay and it controls robot hands that you stand in front of okay so you can actually
• 5:53
  give yourself your own salon cut
• 5:56
  so
• 5:59
  so i'm cutting my own hair essentially yeah i see one major flaw in this
• 6:08
  i'm not good at cutting hair not at first but it comes with a booklet okay but but i'm
• 6:14
  experimenting on myself well no because there's a tester bob okay so it comes with a mannequin head
• 6:23
  with hair that's exactly like my hair now
• 6:26
  so that I can practice my haircut.
• 6:31
  Will there be an option to record the practice
• 6:35
  just in case I nail it right out of the gate?
• 6:37
  Can you just in general record the session
• 6:40
  so you don't have to constantly do it again?
• 6:43
  Yes, and I neglected to mention a really nice feature of this invention
• 6:46
  is you first type in what you're going for
• 6:50
  or how you want it to look.
• 6:51
  And as you start to make the cut, the gloves will vibrate if you're going off track.
• 6:58
  Okay.
• 6:59
  Another question.
• 7:01
  Why not just program the haircut directly to the robot hands?
• 7:06
  Why do my hands need to be involved?
• 7:09
  The relationship between a stylist and a customer is hard to break.
• 7:17
  and I think it'll be a good opportunity for people to connect with themselves.
• 7:23
  Talk to themselves.
• 7:25
  So I have to be making awkward small talk with myself.
• 7:28
  And responding.
• 7:30
  Okay.
• 7:33
  I don't know how I feel about this.
• 7:35
  Are you picturing it though?
• 7:37
  Yes.
• 7:38
  I'm picturing the listeners at home can't see what my hands are doing.
• 7:45
  But they're going to work.
• 7:46
  They're going to town.
• 7:47
  Yeah, and then behind you, imagine how cool it would feel to be in control of your own haircut.
• 7:55
  It's like driving your own car.
• 7:58
  I don't know that it is.
• 8:01
  You're right.
• 8:02
  It'd be like driving a car behind you.
• 8:04
  Kind of.
• 8:06
  And I don't know if I would be good at that.
• 8:08
  I'm really worried.
• 8:09
  I don't think you understand.
• 8:11
  I don't even like cutting wrapping paper.
• 8:13
  That's how bad I am.
• 8:14
  I can't get an even cut to save my life.
• 8:19
  I don't think I'd be good on my own hair.
• 8:22
  Well, put on gloves next time.
• 8:24
  Next time I do wrapping paper?
• 8:26
  Yeah.
• 8:27
  He's in.
• 8:27
  That was the problem?
• 8:29
  I was direct skin to scissor contact?
• 8:31
  I find that gloves solve a lot of problems.
• 8:36
  What other problems have gloves solved for you?
• 8:39
  Well, not me, but OJ.
• 8:42
  That's true.
• 8:44
  They didn't solve any problems for Nicole Brown and the other guy.
• 8:51
  Ron?
• 8:52
  Am I making that up?
• 8:53
  No, I think that sounds right.
• 8:55
  Sorry, other guy.
• 8:56
  If you're listening, we know you are.
• 8:58
  Sorry, maybe Ron.
• 8:58
  Yeah.
• 9:00
  You know, you can't please everyone.
• 9:02
  Yeah.
• 9:03
  So.
• 9:04
  And there's other glove victories.
• 9:08
  Glove compartment.
• 9:10
  That's a really good victory for gloves.
• 9:12
  Ron Goldman.
• 9:13
  Ron Goldman.
• 9:14
  Ron Goldman I'm sorry
• 9:16
  when you're listening to this up in heaven
• 9:18
  forgive me for not remembering your name
• 9:20
  have a drink of water for free on us
• 9:22
  this one's on us kid
• 9:26
  sorry you got murdered
• 9:29
  here's some water
• 9:30
  okay so you back to the invention these robot okay they will only be able to cut hair
• 9:45
  You look so frustrated that I'm not embracing your vision.
• 9:49
  I was preparing to contemplate the question.
• 9:51
  Okay.
• 9:51
  So you're saying what now?
• 9:52
  Well, I mean, theoretically, you're just saying these are gloves and then robot hands do whatever your gloves say.
• 9:58
  Yeah.
• 9:58
  Now, you could put the scissors in the hands because guess what these hands can also do?
• 10:04
  what massage with the scissors no it's our murder robot you you take the scissors out of the hands
• 10:16
  and you put it in massage mode click and then you can massage yourself okay so like when you get a
• 10:24
  when you go to get your hair cut and then like they're washing your hair and then they give you
• 10:28
  like the scalp massage absolutely okay yeah i mean i think that is probably a more beneficial feature
• 10:34
  than giving yourself a haircut.
• 10:38
  What if on the screen in front of you,
• 10:41
  it simulated the steps?
• 10:44
  So you're worried because you're not classically trained.
• 10:47
  Yes.
• 10:47
  But now it's showing you step by step which strains to cut.
• 10:51
  Will it also give me step by step words to say
• 10:54
  for awkward conversation?
• 10:56
  Yes, and how to steer away from things
• 10:57
  you don't want to talk about with you.
• 10:59
  Yeah.
• 11:01
  Oh, you have a daughter, right?
• 11:04
  Oh, sorry, a son.
• 11:06
  Yeah.
• 11:08
  Yeah, there's a button for a blow dryer sound to kick in right there.
• 11:10
  That's perfect.
• 11:11
  Yeah.
• 11:13
  Okay.
• 11:14
  I still think everything but a haircut would be good for these robot hands.
• 11:20
  Well, you might have just named this thing.
• 11:22
  Everything but a haircut?
• 11:24
  Yeah.
• 11:25
  Did you have another name in mind?
• 11:26
  the best I could come up with is
• 11:29
  um
• 11:30
  me's or hands
• 11:31
  like scissor with me
• 11:35
  like Sid with scissor hands but
• 11:36
  me because it's doing things for you
• 11:39
  ah yes
• 11:40
  or
• 11:43
  that's more of a tagline
• 11:45
  I was thinking like the gloves are on
• 11:46
  very good
• 11:50
  gloves are off
• 11:51
  very good
• 11:54
  yay
• 11:56
  whose kid is this
• 11:57
  you did it
• 12:00
  you strung a thought together
• 12:01
  okay
• 12:04
  I still feel like
• 12:06
  if you can
• 12:06
  it feels like the hands
• 12:10
  are given
• 12:10
  you've got like training wheels for your hands
• 12:13
  it feels more like a teaching aid
• 12:16
  than anything like functional
• 12:17
  like if it's like vibrating and telling you
• 12:19
  like when you're making a mistake
• 12:21
  I feel like this is a good way to learn
• 12:22
  No, that's just so you get better at cutting your own hair.
• 12:26
  But then, why not just, well, who cares?
• 12:30
  If you don't have to interact with another human being, who cares?
• 12:33
  Just have the robot cut your hair.
• 12:35
  Just input the hairstyle, and then just the robot does it.
• 12:38
  And your hands can sit there unfettered, ungloved.
• 12:43
  Ungloved.
• 12:45
  I actually like that idea.
• 12:46
  I'm willing to pivot.
• 12:47
  Okay.
• 12:49
  So now, all right, we're pivoting to.
• 12:51
  It's the robot that cuts your hair.
• 12:52
  okay sexy
• 12:53
  and massages you
• 12:56
  and massages you yes
• 12:57
  does it it would be really funny
• 13:00
  if the robot used one of those like little
• 13:02
  handheld massagers still like they use
• 13:04
  at the salon can't use its own fingers
• 13:06
  no it's still gonna strap
• 13:08
  something on and massage you with that
• 13:10
  okay so is it now called
• 13:12
  ungloved
• 13:13
  no glove
• 13:16
  no glove
• 13:17
  again that's more of a tagline
• 13:20
  no glove yes love
• 13:21
  yeah yes love that's kind of cute yeah it's always a little british yes love yes love is it a full
• 13:28
  robot or is it just hands just hands it's like a box of hands box of fans you open the box and the
• 13:36
  hands come out like a jack in the box if they're like getting out oh oh wait climbing out like
• 13:42
  creepy stuff like no they could they'll wave they're not there to be creepy okay they can also
• 13:48
  get bugs think about that these hands can do it all they can get bugs you know like oh my god
• 13:53
  there's a bug oh okay not like like a a bug like a computer bug oh i see why you thought that
• 13:59
  like a earth bug oh there's a bug and then it just kind of climbs down from its perch and then run
• 14:07
  like yeah does a little hand over to it yeah it has like a laser pointer and you
• 14:12
  pointed on the bug
• 14:14
  and then knows where to go. Like thing?
• 14:16
  Is it like thing from Adam's family?
• 14:19
  A little hand?
• 14:21
  Well, that's their thing.
• 14:24
  Adam's family, we're not trying
• 14:26
  to take your thing.
• 14:28
  We need more arm. I think we need
• 14:30
  up to the elbow.
• 14:33
  Up to the elbow.
• 14:34
  Another great name.
• 14:36
  The names really, there's no end of
• 14:38
  good names.
• 14:39
  Yeah.
• 14:39
  I really feel like this is
• 14:43
  going to be a very niche product
• 14:46
  you wouldn't buy that in Sharper Image?
• 14:49
  are they still around?
• 14:51
  I hope so
• 14:51
  where else do kids go in the mall and get massages?
• 14:57
  is Brookstone still around?
• 14:58
  yeah it's gotta be
• 14:59
  yeah I hope Sharper Image is too
• 15:02
  I think they had the original robot dog
• 15:04
  you think?
• 15:05
  I think so
• 15:06
  bless him
• 15:07
  thanks for everything you've done
• 15:09
  If you're out there, we're looking for sponsors.
• 15:11
  Yeah.
• 15:12
  And Brookstone.
• 15:13
  Don't stay quiet either.
• 15:14
  Yeah.
• 15:14
  We'll take both of you.
• 15:15
  And I don't think there'll be any conflict of interest there.
• 15:17
  No, not at all.
• 15:18
  And SkyMall.
• 15:19
  SkyMall will take you too.
• 15:20
  Oh, I loved SkyMall.
• 15:22
  Loved?
• 15:23
  Is SkyMall gone too?
• 15:24
  It's gone.
• 15:24
  Oh.
• 15:25
  I mean, at least in the Plains, it's gone.
• 15:26
  I don't know if there's still.
• 15:27
  Why would they still be publishing if it's not in Plains?
• 15:30
  Well, I mean, it was a website that sold shit.
• 15:34
  So hopefully they still sell them.
• 15:37
  I'm having a memory.
• 15:38
  of a giant
• 15:41
  crossword
• 15:43
  from SkyMall Magazine.
• 15:46
  I didn't own it. I just saw it in there.
• 15:49
  It was just a
• 15:50
  humongous crossword.
• 15:53
  You put it on the wall.
• 15:54
  And then you're just stuck with it forever?
• 15:55
  Maybe it wasn't a crossword. It was something big.
• 15:58
  Something to do with words.
• 16:00
  It was a dictionary.
• 16:01
  A giant dictionary.
• 16:04
  Yeah.
• 16:06
  Okay. Alright.
• 16:08
  No glove, yes love.
• 16:11
  Just think on it.
• 16:12
  All right, folks, go to friendslikeuspod.com
• 16:16
  and pick one of these bad boys up.
• 16:20
  Or go to skymall.com and see if it's...
• 16:23
  It might be there by now.
• 16:24
  They're probably already working on this idea,
• 16:27
  but we had it first.
• 16:29
  Yeah, we should work with them.
• 16:30
  I would do that in a heartbeat.
• 16:32
  Are you kidding?
• 16:33
  You could be the main product guy for skymall.
• 16:36
  I could.
• 16:37
  You really could.
• 16:39
  I feel like every invention you have is a SkyMall invention.
• 16:42
  Thank you.
• 16:42
  I choose to accept that as a compliment.
• 16:46
  Okay, well, SkyMall, if you're looking for a new head inventor, I'm vouching for Francis.
• 16:53
  He can do this.
• 16:55
  Tinker sounds, tinker sounds.
• 16:56
  Oh, my God, look what I did.
• 16:59
  Oh, the lab.
• 17:01
  He's in the lab right now.
• 17:04
  Well, all right.
• 17:05
  I think this has been another fantastic invention of the week.
• 17:08
  Let's close it up.
• 17:09
  Thanks, babe.
• 17:12
  It's really good.
• 17:13
  Yeah.
• 17:14
  We're going to notice immediately the people that have been using this.
• 17:18
  Yeah, they're going to be so well cut and so well rested.
• 17:20
  Yeah.
• 17:22
  Because of their massages.
• 17:24
  Yeah, we're probably going to see an uptick of stylists looking for work.
• 17:29
  Ooh.
• 17:30
  Do you think the stylists are going to come after you?
• 17:33
  Does anyone really go after anyone?
• 17:35
  Usually people just take it.
• 17:37
  Stylus feel like a vindictive bunch.
• 17:40
  And I don't mean that necessarily in a bad way, stylus.
• 17:43
  Yeah.
• 17:43
  If you're listening and I know you are stylus.
• 17:45
  The best possible way you can be vindictive.
• 17:47
  Well, in a, like, we're not going to let you, we're not going to let you come for us kind of a way.
• 17:52
  In a standing up for themselves kind of a way.
• 17:54
  You're, I could see that.
• 17:56
  I'm just saying that to be nice to our stylus listeners.
• 17:59
  I actually do think.
• 18:01
  They're a vindictive bunch.
• 18:03
  They could just move into dying.
• 18:05
  they can move into dying like this color oh
• 18:09
  that's well that's harsh i'm out to make money you know that living you're doing move on to dying
• 18:23
  because there will never be a robot invented to dye hair and you can't do anything else after
• 18:34
  you've done this one job.
• 18:37
  Nothing left to do but die.
• 18:41
  Well, I think we have
• 18:42
  an idea for next week's
• 18:44
  invention of the week.
• 18:45
  We'll see.
• 18:46
  A robot that dies.
• 18:49
  And then the week
• 18:50
  out of that,
• 18:51
  a robot that kills
• 18:52
  stylus.
• 18:55
  All right.
• 18:58
  We've got another
• 19:00
  segment to do.
• 19:02
  This is a little segment
• 19:03
  we like to call
• 19:05
  Grandpa's a monster.
• 19:08
  No context.
• 19:12
  Hey there, sonny.
• 19:14
  It your grandpa the monster So in this segment we will be telling beloved childhood memories
• 19:28
  And the other person not telling the memory will try to sabotage that memory with fake details,
• 19:38
  ruining the memory forever.
• 19:40
  francis do you have anything beloved from your childhood i do so i had a grandpa sure um and
• 19:51
  when i was young i don't know the exact age probably middle school around there he used to
• 20:01
  take me out to the movie theater um and we would go see a movie but he was very old by that time
• 20:10
  and he was kind of like he would move kind of slow and so we would go see this movie and then
• 20:18
  afterward he would want to movie hop he'd be like come on we're gonna go sneak into another movie
• 20:23
  The problem is he was like moving so slow that it was like so obvious what we were doing.
• 20:30
  And like, it probably was kind of cute, I guess.
• 20:34
  He's like, he would literally like turn back and be like, come on, come on.
• 20:38
  And I was like ringing with shame because I was embarrassed.
• 20:41
  And I would like follow my grandpa into like the next movie.
• 20:44
  So we would spend all day like seeing like three or four movies.
• 20:48
  so you probably didn't know that you were actually your grandpa's drug mule
• 20:55
  oh the bottom of your popcorn bucket lined with cocaine is that why he always snatched it away
• 21:04
  yeah yeah he did and the slow moving was actually code to the other people in the theater did you
• 21:10
  ever notice that a lot of people would like go to the bathroom in the theater when your grandfather
• 21:15
  would slowly move his way out yeah i was just so happy to be with him i
• 21:19
  no this can't be this can't be right i'm sorry what kind of drugs cocaine mostly oh yeah
• 21:29
  because the people hadn't had the cocaine yet so they were slow so he didn't want to like
• 21:37
  outpace them he's actually quite spry he was he was a very lithe man right up until he died
• 21:44
  that doesn't dry with my my personal memory i'm sorry i he had a name right no i mean besides
• 21:54
  his real name he had a nickname well what was it it was he was the harkins horker the harkins
• 22:03
  horker yeah he used to work drugs all over harkins i've never heard the phrase hork
• 22:09
  it's a pretty common phrase in the drug world i've never heard so he was a horker he was a
• 22:18
  horker so he only did this at harkins well no he he used to do it he would do it at amc as well
• 22:26
  but obviously amc horker doesn't have doesn't have the same ring i would think it'd be something
• 22:31
  the stubs oh no they didn't have the stubs program at that time yeah wow i know i'm so sorry no i
• 22:40
  mean you were complicit in all of this but are you are you saying that he didn't take me out of love
• 22:48
  no honey you were just a really good cover no one's gonna question oh my god mule on mule i know
• 22:55
  I know. I'm so sorry. You got a horked big time. The Harkins Horker strikes again.
• 23:02
  Well, I'm sure that our other memories are whole.
• 23:07
  No. They're horked. Jenna, horked Christmas?
• 23:12
  Yeah. Oh, no. That puppy?
• 23:16
  No. Full of drugs.
• 23:19
  Full of drugs. Just tip-to-tail drugs.
• 23:25
  Oh my God.
• 23:27
  Yeah.
• 23:28
  I'm really sorry.
• 23:30
  Wow.
• 23:31
  That was meth in the puppies.
• 23:33
  Oh, he moved on.
• 23:34
  He...
• 23:35
  I mean, it was Christmas time, so...
• 23:37
  We had to make some extra money from the really desperate people.
• 23:40
  Yeah.
• 23:41
  Huh.
• 23:42
  I'm so sorry.
• 23:43
  Well, thank you for telling me this.
• 23:46
  I thought you knew, honestly.
• 23:49
  We all thought you knew.
• 23:51
  Wait a minute.
• 23:52
  He was a really hardworking guy.
• 23:53
  He used to make pizzas at the pizza shop.
• 23:54
  you're telling me that was compromised yeah you know the stuffed crust oh god what was it stuffed
• 24:02
  with pcp wow he was did you ever notice people would leave your pizzeria jazzed and they would
• 24:10
  just lift cars above their head in a rage that seemed to be unprovoked exactly oh this pizza
• 24:17
  I just thought that meant he was such a good pizza man.
• 24:22
  No.
• 24:23
  He was a terrible pizza man.
• 24:25
  Is that why they call him the pizza pusher?
• 24:28
  The Oregon's worker and the pizza pusher.
• 24:31
  Wow.
• 24:31
  Well, he never got caught, so at least things were discreet.
• 24:34
  Wait.
• 24:35
  You thought he died of natural causes?
• 24:40
  What are you saying?
• 24:42
  He did.
• 24:43
  It was a hail of bullets from the cops, you see.
• 24:49
  How'd they get him to look like tumors?
• 24:54
  I know, it looked like he had a whole bunch of outside tumors that you could see.
• 24:58
  But no, they were inside bullets.
• 25:03
  It was a standoff.
• 25:07
  How come we didn't notice this? There were so many of us there.
• 25:10
  because it was around christmas time and you just thought the blue and red lights were part of the
• 25:15
  twinkling decorations i thought they were angels i know and no one wanted to tell you
• 25:19
  oh my god i'm so sorry well i'm sure at the very least his beautiful peaceful grave site
• 25:27
  is unmolested that tombstone
• 25:33
  it's hollowed out
• 25:36
  no
• 25:36
  it's
• 25:38
  filled with
• 25:39
  deer urine
• 25:41
  which is
• 25:45
  a different kind of drug
• 25:47
  what does it do
• 25:49
  I don't know
• 25:56
  I don't know
• 25:57
  people love it
• 25:59
  oh
• 26:00
  I've never heard of that
• 26:01
  I've heard of all the other drugs
• 26:03
  sorry this is so hard on you well i didn't want to be the one to have to tell you
• 26:13
  but haven't you ever noticed i mean isn't it a little weird when you go to visit his grave
• 26:18
  that there's just a line of people there waiting to visit with i thought you were gonna say a line
• 26:23
  of deer paying their respects and deer yeah just like pissing all over the grave and what are you
• 26:29
  thing happened to Bambi's mom no yep the Harkins Horker got him she he told her if you don't pay
• 26:39
  I slay and like grandpa like grandson because now you're doing the same thing with water
• 26:49
  for our listeners listeners pay yeah you pay you heard what my family is like you heard what we'll
• 26:54
  do you had known francis was a harkins orker descendant oh if anyone's interested in some
• 27:01
  dear urine i guess we know that's he's got a whole mausoleum too that's full of it full of it
• 27:09
  it's like that scene in the shining but it's deer piss yep wow thanks for um ruining my life i'm so
• 27:16
  sorry it's uh it's okay i still i still love him he to be do he did say before dying in the hail of
• 27:26
  bullets that he'd grown used to you if that makes you feel any better uh no no that's i think as
• 27:36
  much as he was capable of yeah well it's weird because in life he would say i love you so
• 27:40
  So it's strange that he would tell someone else he'd grown used to me.
• 27:45
  But hey, thanks.
• 27:48
  I'm sorry.
• 27:49
  Well, what can I say?
• 27:53
  Grandpa's a monster.
• 27:55
  Oh, that's a good close.
• 27:56
  Thank you.
• 27:59
  Francis, if you're still, I mean, if you're not reeling too much from that revelation.
• 28:06
  I'm okay.
• 28:07
  Are you sure?
• 28:09
  Yeah.
• 28:10
  okay well then i think i think it's time for our final segment the big quest big question
• 28:17
  the question is very big okay i have a big question for you francis okay i'll do my best
• 28:27
  my whole world was just i know i'm really sorry and this is actually kind of perfect um
• 28:34
  my question to you
• 28:36
  if you could be
• 28:38
  reincarnated
• 28:40
  not as a living being
• 28:42
  but as a physical object
• 28:44
  of any kind
• 28:46
  what would you be and why
• 28:48
  oh okay I have to be a physical object
• 28:50
  yeah it can't be like an animal
• 28:52
  you can be like I be a bird and soar through the sky and visit loved ones no it got to be like a physical object I wouldn visit loved ones but okay Well not anymore Not after what I know I know
• 29:04
  Grandpa's a monster.
• 29:05
  So this is a tough question because...
• 29:07
  You'd come back as a deer.
• 29:08
  Peeing all over the grave.
• 29:10
  You like that, Grandpa?
• 29:11
  But they just hear like animal noises.
• 29:12
  Yep.
• 29:14
  I think this one has rabies.
• 29:18
  If I have to be a physical object...
• 29:20
  Yep.
• 29:20
  This is tricky because I don't want to be thrown away.
• 29:23
  Oh, yeah.
• 29:23
  So I want to be something that has value.
• 29:27
  Yep.
• 29:30
  And also, I'm thinking that maybe like a jewel because no one's ever going to throw away a jewel.
• 29:39
  And so much goes into like making them or cutting them or whatever.
• 29:46
  Like the Lego work's got to be intense on those.
• 29:48
  So I'm thinking.
• 29:48
  but jewels often get kind of put away for and only brought out on very special occasions.
• 29:56
  So you'd be in a drawer in the safe for much of the time.
• 30:00
  Oh, and I want to be out in the world.
• 30:02
  Yeah.
• 30:02
  I want to be out in the world.
• 30:04
  An object.
• 30:05
  Yeah.
• 30:05
  An object.
• 30:06
  You know what?
• 30:07
  This might be a little stupid, but if I was water, I would never go anywhere.
• 30:17
  Certainly not in our listeners now.
• 30:18
  Oh, no, no, no.
• 30:20
  No.
• 30:21
  Yeah.
• 30:22
  Oh, my God.
• 30:23
  If you went into Elycer's Mouse for free, Francis, I would kill you.
• 30:26
  I wouldn't.
• 30:27
  Okay, good.
• 30:28
  All right.
• 30:29
  Well, right to kill?
• 30:29
  I just accepted that.
• 30:31
  I'm like, yes.
• 30:33
  That's how serious I am about being paid for all the water.
• 30:35
  No, you're right.
• 30:36
  I give it away.
• 30:38
  Yeah.
• 30:39
  You just give it away.
• 30:40
  But you see what I'm going for, right?
• 30:41
  Yes.
• 30:42
  Because I heard, I don't know if this is true, all the water that's on Earth, it's like been here.
• 30:48
  it's seen it all i mean like it's like you drink it and then you pee it out and then it goes into
• 30:55
  the sewer and gets treated or it gets evaporated out like all the water molecules like i'm immortal
• 31:03
  would you worry that you'd spend a lot of your time in sewers or inside oh no inside of people
• 31:08
  yes now yeah so i can't be water yeah i don't know if water counts as an object
• 31:15
  I'll allow water.
• 31:17
  If you freeze it, it's ice and that's an object, right?
• 31:21
  Right.
• 31:22
  If you get your shark toes, your shark foot, that's ice on the end of that.
• 31:30
  Go to friendslikeuspod.com to get your shark toes or your foot shark or whatever we ended up naming it.
• 31:37
  That was a great product, Pimp.
• 31:38
  Yep.
• 31:38
  Thank you.
• 31:40
  Wait, wait, wait.
• 31:41
  A gun.
• 31:42
  Ooh.
• 31:43
  I cost money
• 31:45
  I'm dangerous
• 31:47
  I'm sexy
• 31:49
  but what if I'm used for a really gross crime
• 31:52
  you know
• 31:53
  that's the only thing
• 31:55
  I'm not one of those fun cool gun crimes
• 31:57
  yeah
• 31:58
  a t-shirt cannon's a fun one
• 32:02
  I don't know how long they last though
• 32:03
  I don't want to end up in a landfill
• 32:05
  I don't want to be forgotten
• 32:06
  I know everything's
• 32:08
  that's the thing
• 32:09
  everything's gonna be
• 32:10
  how about a meteorite
• 32:12
  you're just flying through space and then you land on earth yeah and i'm very valuable
• 32:16
  what happens wait art this is gonna prove my own stupidity um how what are there meteorites
• 32:25
  on earth that are places yeah there's like a meteorite like in a lab somewhere or in a museum
• 32:32
  or something well this is gonna prove my ignorance but i don't know i'm glad we're proving our
• 32:39
  ignorance both of us have just proved our ignorance i guess i'm picturing like a joe dirt type like
• 32:45
  thing giant thing that fell out of the sky you know in joe dirt yes yeah and then it turned out
• 32:51
  to not be but he thought it was a meteorite are there things like that that aren't meteorites
• 32:58
  that are meteorites yeah yeah meteorites that's why we have the word i'm pretty sure well i mean
• 33:02
  i know that but but they come to earth and then now they're on earth it's a meteor yeah and then
• 33:07
  it hits and it's a meteorite is what i've been but they hit earth yeah okay hit it hard yeah
• 33:13
  pound earth they're also known as earth pounders
• 33:16
  that's the fun name that's a cool name yeah or terra slam
• 33:22
  terra slams um okay so you'd want to be a meteorite yeah because i'm making impact
• 33:29
  okay do you have a uh well i didn't have one in general i just i had the question but i didn't
• 33:40
  have my own but hearing you talk it out i would want to be the iceberg that sunk the titanic
• 33:48
  because then i get to have this dramatic impact on society and it wasn't your fault
• 33:54
  wasn't my fault it was some idiot captain's fault uh i was right ahead and they just rammed right
• 34:00
  into me but then i'm still water so i'm still part of like you're still here circle of life yeah
• 34:07
  yeah and i'm thinking that water is probably still hanging out in the same place that it was or it's
• 34:12
  going from sky to ocean ocean to sky back and forth so no no no sewer risk no being stuck in
• 34:18
  someone's body risk oh interesting that's i mean i'm jealous but i get to have a cultural impact
• 34:24
  i don't know how i'm going to be reincarnated into the past but i'll figure that out i'm gonna
• 34:29
  find a way to hit you as the meteor right not like breaking character and announcing my plan
• 34:38
  to hurt my co-host no no i imagined you as a meteor hitting me yeah then we'd be together
• 34:43
  Oh, I'd like that.
• 34:44
  Yeah.
• 34:45
  Maybe the two of us could sink the Titanic.
• 34:48
  Go back in time and...
• 34:50
  Oh, you thought the iceberg was bad?
• 34:52
  Oh, yeah.
• 34:53
  Way to get a load of this.
• 34:55
  Jenna hits it in the front.
• 34:56
  It's in the back.
• 35:00
  Yep.
• 35:02
  Oh, that's what really happened to the Titanic.
• 35:04
  Yeah.
• 35:07
  Spoiler alert for the next Crumpets with Churchill.
• 35:10
  That's what really happened.
• 35:11
  Yeah, got meteorite horked.
• 35:16
  I think we both came up with probably the two best possible answers.
• 35:20
  Of course.
• 35:21
  Good luck, listeners, trying to trump those answers.
• 35:28
  Well, that wraps up the big question.
• 35:32
  The big question.
• 35:33
  Okay.
• 35:34
  There's only one final thing.
• 35:35
  Yeah.
• 35:38
  Francis.
• 35:39
  Yeah.
• 35:39
  did you say your secret word i did thanks for noticing uh okay i did you i did okay at the
• 35:51
  beginning or what uh i think during invention of the week okay you did not have to give that away
• 35:57
  but you did thanks you're welcome okay so you're still not gonna guess i don't think you don't
• 36:03
  think i don't think so do you have a guest let me ponder you what's your guess well i thought i had
• 36:11
  a guess but then i forgot to write it down so i don't remember what it is so i'm gonna go i think
• 36:17
  meteor might be my guess you're wrong no i would have loved it if you just made that you're really
• 36:24
  like that was your answer oh that would have been smart yeah i wish i'd done that but then i would
• 36:28
  to lose i woulda lose okay so you don't win okay and now my guess is because it was during invention
• 36:38
  of the week we were talking about haircuts and robots i'm gonna say it is haircut wait no i always
• 36:50
  doing this again continuing your trend of thinking my secret word is a word you said first i do this
• 36:59
  every time i can't believe it i cannot believe it my word was not haircut no um i'm gonna say
• 37:07
  i don't even know if you've said this skill i don't know if i said it either but that's not
• 37:13
  my word okay shoot all right well i'm ready for the big reveal my word was vouching wow you were
• 37:19
  smooth with that yeah slipped it in and i meant it though if any executives from sky mall are
• 37:25
  looking for a new inventor i'm vouching for francis damn yeah wow i would never would have got that
• 37:33
  i don't know what yours is though when did you say yours well um at the very end i said my word
• 37:39
  which is legwork really yeah i have don't you just said it i have no memory of this yeah i said it
• 37:45
  toward the end.
• 37:46
  There's a lot of legwork that goes into
• 37:48
  making a jewel.
• 37:51
  Oh, a lot of legwork that goes into
• 37:52
  making a jewel.
• 37:55
  So no points to you.
• 37:56
  And no points to me.
• 37:59
  Someday.
• 38:00
  Fart noise.
• 38:02
  And then we'll laugh forever and be kicked out of the pod.
• 38:06
  Thanks for everything.
• 38:08
  Yeah.
• 38:09
  Thanks.
• 38:10
  Thanks for the memories.
• 38:11
  Of course.
• 38:13
  All right.
• 38:13
  Well, I think that's it, listeners.
• 38:16
  Yep.
• 38:20
  Bye.