Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Monday Mini: The Trick Date

Transcript

Monday Mini: The Trick Date · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: Welcome to Stefan ever told you protection of iHeartRadio? And
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: welcome to another edition of Monday Many. This is one
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: I have many strong opinions about. I have a lot
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: of experience with, and I'm excited to talk about it
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: because it turns out I am not alone.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: You are not.
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: No, because today we were talking about trick dates or
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: surprise dates, something that you might not have seen as
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: a date, but it turns out it was a date.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: This was inspired by and no spoilers, only murders in
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: the building. The most recent season features an arc where
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Selena Gomes his character is tricked into a date and
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: it was framed as something sort of romantic and ultimately successful,
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: which made me actually shout at the TP. So I
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: wanted to talk FYI.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: This is a Sex and the City episode. Oh really, yep?
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Are we close? How long do I have to wait
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: before we?
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Just wait a minute, I'll remind you.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Okay, perfect? I mean I all have thoughts again, yes,
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: and just uh fun aside. I actually really enjoy the show.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: They're not a sponsor or anything currently, but they have before,
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: right I think, yes, I believe they have and it does.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: It's like about a podcast, So that's kind of fun.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: It is funny, is it real? No? No, in a
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: wide open room as if they're doing stand up comedy.
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, but it's kind of fun to get
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: to critique it in that way. Also, I'm I'm going
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: to say ninety percent sure I know who it is
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: in this season and it's wild and bonkers. But also
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: they have a plat point that's driving me wild. It's
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: so clear to me, as someone with low self esteem
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: what's going on, but no one seems to get it.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: Oh that's funny. I haven't started the new season. There's
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: so many US domestic shows that I have not watched
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: because I'm still caught up in let me only do
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: Korean dramas hoping that I'm going to learn by osmosis,
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: and it's not working. By the way, it's I am
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: understanding more and I know when that translation is wrong,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: but it's not working to that effect. But Netflix is
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: real bad about it.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: Ah.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, their translations are typically always a little off. I
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: will say they do have like Asian people like I
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: think Korean people to actually translate it, but it's still
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: kind of off anyway. Back to I haven't watched any
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: of because I haven't watched The Bear. I've only seen
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: a couple of episodes. I haven't watched only Murders, which
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: I was really into. And we haven't even watched the
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: last season Ted Lasso, I'm behind.
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: I haven't watched that in any there, but that's largely
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: due to what I have subscription wise. Yes, Also, what
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: we do in the Shadow is just ended.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I know I saw that that had a
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: double uh two finalee episode fin Yeah, I need to
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I need to get so we need to get on
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: that too. There's so many, so many.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I am excited to hear your thoughts about
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: this whenever you finally get God. I do want to
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: say before we go into this there, I do think
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: there is a difference between something that sort of becomes
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: a date that is mutually agreed upon, vocally mutually agreed upon,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: Like you're like, oh, this, okay, this feels like a date.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: Maybe that wasn't what you intended. I usually that happens
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: after the fact, where you're in my experience where you're like,
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: oh that was a date and you're like, oh, yeah,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: that you have that conversation though, like it wasn't.
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: A trick like you get like you hang out accidentally
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: and then that ends up being a date like that's
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I've never.
• 3:59
  Speaker 2: No no no no no. So you it would be like
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: you go out and you have a really good time,
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: maybe bowling or something like, you have a really good
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: time and afterwards you're like, was that a date, like
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: kind of joking like was that a date? And the
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: other person's like, yeah, I feel like that was a date.
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: Like it's much more like you kind of realize in it, like, oh,
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: this was fun and I think we could date.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: It's more of a like, okay, so saying that you're
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: mutually attracted, yes, okay.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, right, but that I think that's the key is
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: like both people go in not thinking it's a date.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: Maybe they maybe they think like maybe it could be,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: but it's not like a, oh, this is definitely a date.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: So you come into a hang knowing that this person
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: is there, and then the hang is so good and
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: you to connect, well this was our first date type
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: of thing, yes, okay, yes.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: But vocally talk about it. You vocally agree about that.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: Verbally, yeah, vocally verbally a lot.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: Maybe I'm sorry, I don't.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Apologize, like she's trying to say verbally, I guess.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, who knows. You know, that's the fun of podcasting,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: only it's true. That's what I mean though, is like
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: you say it aloud and you agree, yes, yes, I do.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: I also think there is a difference between a misunderstanding
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: and tricking someone into a date. That's a little bit murkier.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: But I think that that can't happen too. I think
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: that sometimes you can be like, oh, you think something's
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: a date, another person doesn't. But it's less that you're
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: trying to trick them to get them there and then
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: make it a date. It's more that maybe one person
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: thought it was and the other person thought it wasn't.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: I think that's different than what we're talking about today.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: In this episode of Only Murders in the Building, he
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: says allowed, you know. To his credit, he says, alowed,
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: like I tricked you here because I wanted a date.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: So at least he admitted it. I know. I'm glad
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: you agree, but that was not seemingly the vibe on
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: the show. So trick dates are much more of a
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: purposeful one person, usually the man. Although I did find
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: a lot of hilarious articles about men saying women keep
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: trying to trick me into dating and I'm like, but baby, baby,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: But usually it's a dude who has like some kind
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: of way, a plan premeditated of like getting a woman
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: to go on a date, and then from there it's
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: supposed to sort of snowball. There's actually kind of a
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: really funny this came up in conversation recently because there's
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: a joke episode in my version of Sex and the
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: City Seinfeld where this guy tricks Elaine into dating him
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: by saying Dustin Hoffin was in Star Wars, which obviously
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: he knew was a lie, and it's like if you know.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: She was like, no, if you're wrong, and he said, well,
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: if I'm wrong, then we'll go on I have dinner,
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: and he knew he was wrong. But then somebody created
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: a fake video that went wild on Twitter recently where
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: it was like Dustin Hoffmann was in Star Wars. He wasn't,
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: but it was very convincing video. So the conversation came
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: up again. But it's like a very there are tactics
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: involved like that, there's like this way of getting someone
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: to go with you, and then the hope is that
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: it will lead to your dating. And so I actually
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: found some tactics that were from Madame Noir and it
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: was very much like don't do this. This was not
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: some like Men's health, like how to do it. It
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: was like, these are the tactics people use to be clear,
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: and I thought we would just run through them because
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: almost all of them all was like yep, see it,
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: seen it. The first one going from a group to
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: a solo. Hang, yeah, yes, okay, So I had this.
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: I've had this happen more than once. But the most
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: egregious was this guy who told me in college. He
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: was like, it's gonna be We're gonna have a study group.
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: We're going to practice I believe it was German language.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: And I was like, okay, yeah, cool. And then I
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: get there and not only it, did some everyone else
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: mysteriously cancel. He was like, let's go have dinner, and
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: then he didn't have money or his BuzzFeed card, so
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: I had to pay that. So that was our our
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: buzzcard was so at Georgia Tech, it's called a buzzcard.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, not a card, yeslistical thing.
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: It's been a long time. He's my buzz card's good.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, so I had to pay for his meal.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: And then at the end he was like, do you
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: want to go get dinner sometime? And he what he
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: his tactic was he knew I'd never been to this
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: local restaurant that's famous, and I wanted to go. I'd
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: expressed I wanted to go, and he's like, we can
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: go there, which has been used against me more than once.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: People find out what I want to do and they're like,
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: I'll go.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: With you, yeah, and then try it happened to you
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: often to the point that I'm like.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: Don't go anywhere.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Why are you doing this? You know what he's doing.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: He's not trying to just be a friend.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Sometimes they are, Oh.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: Yes, even when you think they're being your friend, they're
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: still just trying to test the waters.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: Hmmm mm hmmm. Yeah, yeah, but that's it. That's the
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: unfortunate thing is like, this is probably the tactic that
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: works the most on meme is like, here's an event
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: I know you would want to go to, and I
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: want to go to. Let's go together, and I do
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: want to go, so it's like, yeah, I'll go with you.
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: And then the next thing, you know, the next thing,
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: you know, you're dating.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Congratulations, you were in a relationship you didn't want to
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: be in.
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: Or didn't know you were in. Yes, that's kind of
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: the key of it is, it's never communicated. It's never
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: ever communicated. I have had people where we've had a
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: conversation at the end and I was like, no, I
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: didn't want this to be a date, and that it
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: worked out. But a lot of times they'll never even
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: bring that up, like it's just like, oh, I told
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: everyone we're dating. I'm like, really, that's news to me.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: So weird because then now you have to break up,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: like it's a way of like trapping you in, right, Yeah,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: because ultimately, and I do get this to some extent,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: it's like a fear of rejection. So you're sort of,
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: as you said, testing the waters. But that feels so
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: manipulative of like.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: That's not we're dating. That is controlling mm hmmm. That's
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: a like power play. I'm not giving you a choice.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: And now you've got to talk to their friends and
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: be like, ah, no, we aren't dating. Like the next
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: one is posing as a career. Ally, this has happened
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: to me, and it sucks a lot of these next
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: few ones are about jobs. So this has happened to me.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: In acting, especially, a will pose as like, Okay, we're
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: gonna help you, you know, because it's such a competitive field.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: We'll help you get this or this or this, or
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: I'll introduce you to my contacts or whatever it is.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: And I had a guy who was supposedly like pretty
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: high up. I have my doubts looking back, but he
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: seemed like he was. And he was telling he was
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: trying to give me a lesson on like kissing, and
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: he shoved me against the wall and kissed me and
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: said like this is, you know, good for you, Like
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: this is you have to learn how to act, and
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: had to be passionate. And I walked home and I
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: cried the whole way because that was when I was like, okay,
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: that guy, because he asked me to dinner, I thought
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: it was a career thing, and it just became clear.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Like oh yeah, that happened to me once too.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: Mm hmm.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: They asked to have lunch, and he was the dude
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: that was like thirty years older than me. I had
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: a kid, probably close to my age, and I was like,
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: what's going on? I thought you were just telling me
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: how to become a counselor, right, and then he asked
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: me on another date and I was like, we had
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: a date one what?
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: Right? Wait a minute, what, let's back up a second.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: That's a really popular one, and it's really unfortunate because.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a lot of these are like very much border
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: along the lines of the people who are going to
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: kidnap or rape you, especially assault you. Like literally all
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: of these things, right, sound like this borderline like cuter
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: version right right? What people isolate you to do? These
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: things have power over you to like exploit you.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well the next one is posing as a career mentor,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: which was related, and I think that feels a lot
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: more like that's your boss who's like, oh, I'm taking
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: special interest in you. I can help you learn this,
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: this and this, and then that becomes like, well if
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: you stay after, we can go have dinner and do this.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: But it's much it's not about mentoring you, it's about
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: getting you into a relationship. I have also had that
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: happen in acting. I kind of had it happen early
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: on in my days as an intern, but luckily I
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: was near some people who shut it down really quick,
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: really quick, so always appreciate when you have a good
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: support of friends who are looking out. And then this one,
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: I bet a lot of people can relate to pretending
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: it's about the hobby. So I feel like this one
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: is a bit murky in terms of a lot of
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: times you can meet people over a hobby and you
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: bond over that, and maybe you do decide to date
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: over that. But going back to that trickery aspect, that's
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: sort of the key is like, I just want to like,
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: there's even been kind of a joke, you know that
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: people will pick up hobbies just to date certain people.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: I still like the recent I don't know what that is,
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: but I'm willing to try it to you, right, and
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: him being so far off of what it was, You're like, Bro,
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: it's so bad that means a be this is gross.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I'm just wrong with your thinking it a hobby art kink.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Right, Yeah, that's the way off. Oh boy, oh dear,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: and I have had I've had plenty of examples of this.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: I think one of the biggest ones I've talked about
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: before is when I if anyone finds out I like
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Marvel or Star Wars, then I'm like the coolest, not
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: like other girls. Person I can imagine D and D
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: was the same, and in fact, I was in a
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: very ill fated It wasn't a relationship, but it was something,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: and it was based on D and D, and it
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: was kind of being used to make this relationship happen
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: that I again was like wait what WHOA? And then
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: I had a guy ask me once because I was complaining.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: So this.
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: I was complaining about how men back when I was
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: running would stop me to talk to me, and I
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: would get so annoyed because I'm like, I'm running, like
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: this is not I'm not looking to have a conversation
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: right now. And one time a guy asked me out,
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: he like stopped me and asked me out, and I'm
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: like no, And the person I was talking to, who
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: was a dude, was like, so there can't be, Like,
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: there's no instance that would work, And we got into
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: an interesting conversation about that where it was like not
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: for me because like that just feels so disruptive. But
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: he was saying like, well, this guy must have been
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: so moved and he had to talk to you right then,
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: and I was like, well all he did was annoy me,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: so go work.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: This is when like the language barrier was like very apparent. Again,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: like between the women's expectations and wants and men's expectations
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: and wants, was like, especially what the heteronormative ideas. Yeah,
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: and then you put in queer people and this is
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: a whole different language in itself. You're like, yeah, you
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: don't understand, and this is why this is a problem, right.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: Well, and that was it was one of the things
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: that I was like, yeah, I guess this guy thought
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: that was romantic. But women, you know, as women we've
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: talked about in a running episodes, you can get bettapped
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: just running around like you're always on edge. So this
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: guy coming up to me, I was immediately like, oh, right.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: What you think is cute feels very like threatening to us, right.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, Like you felt confident enough to make sure
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: I stopped when I had like headphones in and was running,
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: was in the zone to stop me and ask for
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: a date.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: And then when you don't know me all you see me, yeah,
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: and I you know.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Not that it matters, but I didn't look great.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Well, there's so many questions to being just instead of
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: like wanting to get to know I guess I guess
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: that's what they say dating is, and my mind dating
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: is a little more official, yeah than that than the
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: getting to know you part. Maybe the whole world of
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: online dating has messed up my uh point of view.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: But like to come up be like I'm attracted to
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: you from jump Like right, this seems insincere or you
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: seem like you have some other agenda and it's not.
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: Cute right right, because like how much could you know
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: from just somebody running?
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Right? You know nothing about me. I don't know if
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship. And again like you're trying to
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: take a chance, but not the way we like it, no,
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: most of us.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when it comes to like the tricking of
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: the date. I did have a guy who started running
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: because of me, and he started asking for let's run together,
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: which I hate running together. Yeah, I hate.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Running with people. It makes me anxious. And then like
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: they don't keep up with me, I have to stay put.
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: If I can't keep up with them, I feel bad
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: for them.
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: Right. Yes, I've always said to people who like want
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: to run with me, I'm like, well, you can run
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: at the same time, but we're not running together, Like
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: I'm going to do my face.
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: That's it what I get people into doing races with me.
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, we're just gonna go right, We'll wait,
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I'll find you at the endpoint.
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: Right, yep. I think that's the way to go with
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: something at But apparently that is not romantic. I did
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: if people were laughing at me once when I was
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I kissed my ex boyfriend before the peach She Road
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: race and then he went way to the back and
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: I went way to the front, and people laughed at me,
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: and I was like, no, if I have this front
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: starting wave, I'm not going back the hell.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Thanks, I earned the spot. All done.
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: It's hot here, jeez. But yeah, I think to their credit,
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I am surprised they ran as much as they did
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: and that they kept up with it. But damn, like
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: that's kind of it's a lot of effort to put
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: it it is. Another tactic is saying that they need
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: career help. I have gotten this one as well. Luckily
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: for me in that case, I was so like oblivious
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: to it that I think that person gave up. They
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: were like, Okay, this is not gonna work. Another asking
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: for dating advice, and yes, I have gotten this one
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: a lot, or how you like sex, or your opinions
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: about dating and sex. These are all sort of like,
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: let's come closer, have this conversation, and then let's see
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: if I could make this a date.
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: I inadvertently flirt with that I don't mean to, I
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: apparently have. I've been told by friends who if I'm
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: not interested in you, I apparently seem very flirty. And
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: this is for women and men. I've been like, because
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just if I'm comfortable with you, I'm gonna tease you.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do all these things, and then I'm going
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: to try to help you if you like a person.
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: And I in my mind, I'm just being natural. But
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: that seems flirty. And I did not know that to
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: the point that my partner and I that at that
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: very beginning was our relationship. I was trying to help
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: him out with a girl. He still thinks I was flirting,
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, I really wasn't.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: It ended up like we ended up because he took
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: that sign of flirting, but I was like, huh, I
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: really wasn't.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that's going back to your like we're
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: almost like speaking different, we're on different ways.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I heard it's a libra thing to do. Okay, apparently
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: because I if I I'm that person that if I'm
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: shy and getting nervous around you, that's how you know
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I like you because I'm trying too hard and I'm
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: very nervous and I probably would just stare at you
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: and run away. But if I'm very confident in like
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: just teasing giggly, yeah, I don't have interest in you,
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: and just has gotten me in trouble a lot. I
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: did not realize this.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, uh, me too. And I feel like there's
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: a weird thing that happens where it's sort of going
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: back to that testing the waters where dudes will be
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: like I had this one guy who just asked me
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: randomly like when is your favorite time to have sex? Yeah,
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: and I'd be like this time. And there's a weird
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: thing that's going on where it's like I'm trying to
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: not be a frud. I also am not interested, but
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's that like, Okay, she's down, she's
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: down to So that is definitely one I've seen. Another
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: posing as your friend. This one can also get messy
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: because sometimes a lot of times you start out as
• 22:28
  Speaker 2: friends and then it becomes a relationship. It's more that
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: going in you one person always wanted it to be
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: a relationship or realized that they did and then never
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: said anything. This is one of the this I've probably
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: experienced this one the most, and it frustrates me because
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: this episode of Only Murders in the Building had this
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: like exact thing where I wanted to go to a
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: fancy restaurant and this guy I was like, oh, yeah, yeah,
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: I've always wanted to go to let's go. I dress
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: up because it's a fancy restaurant. I later found out
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: everyone on his side was like, well she wore that
• 23:08
  Speaker 2: dress obviously it was a date, Like no, I could
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: dress just for me one, but two it has a
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: dress code like I.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Was literally I had to follow the rules, me saying
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: we're on a date. Right. There's so many things, and
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: this is where the idea that men and women, especially
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: in the heteronormative ideas or environment cannot be friends.
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: M hmm.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: That's where it comes from.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: It does come from me, and it's.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Like part part society, part expectations, part hope, like egerness,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: like falling into it like well naturally we should be
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: like my good guy friend and I who before he
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: got married into a serious relationship, we were always paired
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: together and like, why don't y'all date? Why don't y'all date?
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: And the explanation is, we love each other, but we
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: would kill each other as a real life couple. Like
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: the understanding is sure, sure, sure, we are very similar,
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: we are fun, we make everything fun, we have great chemistry,
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: but we also understand the levels that we have with
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: each other, and it wouldn't work. And I think it
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: did come to the point that at one point in time,
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: at the very beginning of our friendship, one of us
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: may have had that failing right, but it never but
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: it just passed by. So again that's that level of like, so,
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: can you truly be just friends your guy friend?
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: Yes? And I've had some very interesting conversations with my
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: guy friends about that.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: And again that's the things like when they're in a relationship,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: you think you can yes, but then.
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: Yes, more often than not thousand times yes, I'm so
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: often like, well, obviously they're in a committed relationship. I
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: don't need to worry. Nope, should have been worried. Another
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: one of the tactics listed was looking for a shoulder
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: to cry on. This could be complaining about their significant
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: other partner. I have definitely had this, And then I've
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: had the very galling experience of me and trying to
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: talk about my feelings and being dismissed. So it's very
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: much like, oh, well, you were there for me, so
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: it means this to me, you must really care. But
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: then when I'm trying to like have a reciprocal friendship, no,
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: I don't want to hear about your earish or I'm
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: owed because I sat there and listened to you, right, yep, yep.
• 25:44
  Speaker 2: Another one asking for shopping advice. I have definitely gotten
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: this one. I'm surprised it came up on the list,
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: but yeah, yep. It's like I don't know anything about fashion.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: Can you please come help me? Okay, I don't really
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: know either.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: Let's go right, I'll tell you what looks good.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: Right. And then it becomes this date that you went
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: on the plus one trick, which is, yeah, it's exactly
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: what it sounds like. It's you know, I don't want
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: to go to the setting alone when you come with me,
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: and then yep, you're you're dating now. I guess.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: The twickest with the again, with all of these things
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: because I've also done it with just friends. Yeah, and
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: it's been fine. So the fine part is we know
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: that the line has already been established, so all of
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: that is fine. And then but then like, yeah, that's
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: that whole level of they're new. That's when you should
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: be really like hesitant, like I have only met you
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: for two weeks. This is not gonna work, right.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: There's also this one maybe laugh offering to help fix something. Yep, yep, yep.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie all these things I've done with
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: my partner at the very beginning of our relationships, like everything.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: Well, see again, it goes back to it is tricky,
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: but it is that very specific, like you're going in
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: with another intention in mind, as opposed to something that
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: just happens naturally, right, or that you discuss. So I
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: actually have a really funny story about this. My ex
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: boyfriend just ended up staying at my apartment a lot,
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: and I wouldn't let him sleep in my bed because
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: we weren't dating at the time. He was friends. And
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: eventually I was like, I guess I'll get like another
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: a futon in case people stay and I'll have a
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: and he came over to help me set it up,
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: and here I am oblivious Annie not realize he's like
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: intending he's helping me set up this futon for him
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: to sleep on when that's not what he wanted.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: Right right, But I mean that's a clear sign. We're like, no,
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: you sleep here because we're friends. So I feel like
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: you should have known. And if he didn't, he was
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: too pushy.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well I still have this day.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he just didn't want to accept it.
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: Mm hmmm. And again this one, like there's a there's
• 28:12
  Speaker 2: that joke in the office about you know, how Jim
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: knew how to drive stick but he like pretended he
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: didn't so he and Pam could spend more time together.
• 28:21
  Speaker 2: I do think that that there is a way to
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: do it where it's not so nefarious and tricksy, but yeah,
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: it can definitely be a tactic. And another one I
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: you'd love my other woman friend. I have seen this one.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: I've seen this one where it's like you would be
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: good friends with my friend and it's and the usually
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: the woman friend is in on it. She knows that
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: this is supposed to be a date, and she's like facilitating.
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: She's a wingman. M hm, wing woman.
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: Yes, then there's letting you show him the ropes, which
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: is sort of like the office thing, golfing.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, let me show you how to hold the golf club.
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: The fitness buddy, which we've already kind of talked about,
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: and then the pet play, which is I didn't know this,
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: it's called dog fishing.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: But it's like, yes, I've seen that one.
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, So there's a multitude of tactics people employ.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: There's so many things to this because it could be
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: like the like, yes, this is the friendly, flirty side,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: and then this could get dark very quickly. It's such
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: a wide range and wide scope of usage for these things.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, and it made me think about like, because
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: I also can be flirty. I enjoy flirting, but for
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: me it doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I get that
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: that can be confusing. Like I totally do get that,
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: And I've even joked about my friends have said they
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: would make a business card that's like it's not interested.
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: But a part of a part of the problem is
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: we've talked about it before. But this idea like we
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: can't reject the man outright get mad and this very
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: head noormaive sense because you're afraid you feel like you
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: have to let them down easy, and so I feel
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: like something. There's two things that are largely at play,
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: two major forces, which is this like fear of rejection.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: I need a woman, how do I trick her into dating?
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: And then on the other side, in very heteronormal of sense,
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: the woman feeling like she has to be kind of
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: flirty or kind of playful or something like can't let
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: him down outright, has to be So it's just coming
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: together in a real mess to the real mess and
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: kind of being romantic. It's done major TV shows.
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: Right, interesting, I mean it's always been a trope this whole. Yeah,
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: it is friend lovers uh huh, neighbor delivers, like any
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: of these things. I'm a common stations and you know
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: women have used some of these things as well, and
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: the queer people use these things as well, like come
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: fix this for me, Come do this for me? Can
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: you do this? Oh I'm helpless again? Not a bad
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: thing if it's consensual, yeah, and there's already play but
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: like yeah, typically strangers doing this is odd. Yeah, and
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: if you've already been rejected once, try to trick them.
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Yes, And it's very much in the like like what
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: we've talked about with in cels in kind of the
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: con man space, like the pickup artist kind of thing.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: This is much more that and much less like I
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: don't know your friend who's kind of you've been friends
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: for a while. Maybe one of you is like, maybe
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: there's something here, like that's a there. There is nuance
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: and differences in this conversation, but this is like the
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: deliberate I will I can trick this person to.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Die, me right saying, try to trick you into dating someone? Yes,
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: which has happened to me. Yeah, boyfriend, oh dear, kind
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: of funny, kind of poor guy.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: Fo car. Well, clearly we had a lot to say.
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: This one went a little longer, but I just when
• 32:14
  Speaker 2: I saw that plot point, I was like, but yeah,
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: I'm sure listeners a lot of you can relate. If
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: there's one we missed, or if you have any stories
• 32:24
  Speaker 2: you'd like to share. You can contact us in a
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: variety of ways. You can email us at Stephania mom
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You can find us on
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: Twitter at Momstuff podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: stuff I Never told you. We have a tea public
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: store and a book that you can get at stuff
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: you should read books dot com. Thanks as always to
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: our super producer Christina, our executive producer Maya, and our
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: contributor Joey.
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: Stefan Never Told You is production of by Heart Radio.
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: For more podcasts on my heart Radio, you can check
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: out the heart Radio app, Apple podcast wherever you listen
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: to your favorite shows,