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Transcript

S5 Ep3: 🌶️ José on a Stick: The Hottest Bits 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Actually, I'm excited, senor.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you excited, Jose?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Partly because you're holding his stick.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: Do you have to do jokes like that?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's just weird in the that in front of everyone you're holding Jose's stick.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Any suggestions?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: You should at least take him out to dinner first.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a stick.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's actually a handle.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: A handle.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you could use Jose as a weapon to hit with.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! I want to go back into the box.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is awesome! What happened to Frank?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: He got whacked by a jalapeno.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: On the stick.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! Think about it.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: You'd be wielding a Mexican lacquer.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: On the stick.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! Look, you know how Batman had his sidekick robin and one of their weapons was a battering?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, of course.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh dude.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: You just showed your geek.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And it smells like loser.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: You are not a loser, senor.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Jose.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Suck up.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Not it reject.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hey! He can drop you, and then I'll throw down a couple of avocados and we got guacamole.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: I could still burn your ass.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Good point.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Look, wait! The Batman thing just made me think of something.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: If this comedy business doesn't work out for you, yeah, you can be a crime fighter.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: A crime fighter.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you could be the dun hammer.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: With Jose, your trusty side stick.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: So you're saying I would be a superhero.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: If is this like Jewish?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, Jose, you're not Jewish, because then you wouldn't be Jose Jalapeno, you'd be Jaime Jalapeno.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: On a bagel.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: Where would you hold him then?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: In the hole.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: I am not touching that.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: No, you toddly never have.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: This sucks! So we're a crime fighting teen, senor.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yes! What kind of crime do we fight?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Illegal aliens?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's a conflict of interest.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Look, so you're finding illegals, whack them on the head with Jose, and every time Jose hits someone, he yells Ole, yes! Pretty cool, huh?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I guess so.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: But uh but do I get a costume?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: Anything from those earlier photos.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I go with the red shorts, senor.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, then you'd be ugly ass cracker land.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, look, for this crime fighting thing, how's Jose gonna dress?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Well, he needs a disguise.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: He's difficult to hide a big stick.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying anything.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Of course not, you're still holding it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: You have a sidekick?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: A sidekick for Bat Nut?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: Is it Jose?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Get him out! Look, look, look, look, look.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's my sidekick.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: Robin?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Ruben.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I am Ruben.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: So you're a superhero too?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: See.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, Jose.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Ruben.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Ruben.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: How can I help you, citizen?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, excellent question, non-citizen.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: So do you have superpowers?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: See.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: What are they?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I can hit you with my steak.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: Or poke you in the eye.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you eat me, I'd learn your ass.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And if you mix in with bad guacamole, he can give you the cha-cha-chaws.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: So uh Ruben, are you a fan of Batman and Robin?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: No, then why are you dressed like this?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: Senor Pina put these clothes on me.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: I could not stop him.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Why couldn't you stop him?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: He doesn't have any arms.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: He is not that nut, he is Captain A-Hole.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Hey! Well, I think it's a good costume.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to dress as something that gave me nightmares.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like a dick plate of nachos?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: No, I wanted to dress as an ugly whore.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Why didn't you?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I could not find a mask that looks like your sister.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Hey! Wait a minute, what the hell?
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Ha ha jerk! Alright, look.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: So hey Jose, for Halloween, why don't you and your family all line up and go as a picket fence?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, you know what scares Jose?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: A deep fryer and cheese up his ass.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: I know someone else who has cheese up their ass.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, who?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: Ask your mother.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Alright! Okay, look, as Bat Nuts sidekick, do you have any responsibilities?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You don't even drive a car?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, that would be stick on stick.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: And that's illegal in some states.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: But Ruben, you don't have any powers or limbs.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: How do you stop villains?
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Mace.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: Mace.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: It's been funny if you said pepper spray.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Why didn't you say pepper spray?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot say that without moving your lips.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: So Ruben, how do you spray the bad guys?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Well, ah! This is a family show.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever been a sidekick before?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody's done a side dish.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: Get in a side dish with cheese for your love.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Alright! So look, a sidekick is there in case the superhero gets into trouble.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: See, what do you do if Bat Nut gets beat up?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: I just laugh.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then I put the video on YouTube.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: He gets lots of hits.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Who's the tenata now, bitch?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: So on Halloween, when you guys aren't bat nutting Ruben, you go trick-or-treating?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: She, we go home to home.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Ah.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Unless he's out of work.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: What then he goes Home Depot to Home Depot.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: So Jose, what did you dress up as last year?
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I went as a Mexican Boy Scout.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I see.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he helped an old lady cross the border.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: So Jose, where'd you get the mask?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Senor peanut.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: All he needed was a piece of material with two holes in it.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Right, so that's my underwear.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: His mask is your underwear.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Is that why my eyes are learning?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Taco Bell.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just saying you guys just were on your first ski trip.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, Jose and Ockland saw snow for the first time ever.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: How is the skiing?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: I had to snowboard.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Stick.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: So Jose, did you dress warmly for the trip?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: She.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you wear?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: A scarf.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And one boot.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: I told him they should have just worn a garden hose.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know what he could use as a raincoat?
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: A condom.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so how did the trip go?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: It was the disaster, really.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: See, what happened?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Ackland broke his leg.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: The bone was sticking out.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's always sticking out.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: Did you put a splint on it?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Of course.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you use?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: Me.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: So when did this happen?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: During the avalanche.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: Avalanche?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Achmed started it.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: We told him not to bring that bomb.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: He had a bomb on the stink.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: And why did Achmed have a bomb?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I think he's a workaholic.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: So what happened after the avalanche?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: We are trapped in the snow for three days.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Wow.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Did you have anything to eat?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Jalapeno.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're a sink blaster.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: We were finally rescued by a Saint Bernard, but the dog took off and they didn't bury the ass.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: And his head and his feet.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: It was hilarious! Why didn't you help Ahmed?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: We were laughing too hard.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Wanna get back to the Christmas?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, Jose, how do you celebrate the holidays?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: We like a thing in learning and then they take a nap.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm kidding, I know they work very hard.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: They run to the border and decorate all the barn dear.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: Jose does not run to the border.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're right, he goes doing, doing, doing, doing, doing.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: Jose, what does Christmas mean to you?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's the Jesus was born.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know your gardener was born on Christmas.