Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / FOCUS: How To Move Past The Feeling Of Being Owed Something By Someone. How To Expect Less From Others But Improve The Relationship At The Same Time While Providing More For Yourself.

Transcript

FOCUS: How To Move Past The Feeling Of Being Owed Something By Someone. How To Expect Less From Others But Improve The Relationship At The Same Time While Providing More For Yourself. · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:13
  Speaker 1: So I'm all for relying on people. I think it's
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: very healthy to be in a position where you say
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: to your partner, we are relying on each other. I
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: can lean on you, and I can count on you,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: and vice versa. But you don't want to feel like
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you're always relying on every fucking Tom, Dick and Harry
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: that's rolling on into your life, okay. And also, when
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: it comes to relying on someone, unless they're in you're
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: in a inner circle and you've built this level of
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: you know, this track record with them, whether you call
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: it trust or whatever. You mainly want to be relying
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: on people when you're relying on them to carry out
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: something that is already their responsibility to do so, because
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: it's way more likely that that person is going to
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: follow through if it's already their responsibility. Okay, But if
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: you want to rely on them to do something that
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: is your responsibility or that only has to do with you,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: then you're potentially going to be disappointed. There are some
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: people that will always follow through and will always be
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: there for you and you can lean on them, but
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: a lot of the time that's not going to be
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: the case. And a prime example of this, which I've
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: already mentioned, is you getting over a heartbreak. It's all
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: well and good to say to someone you know, you
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: owe me an explanation, you owe me this, you owe
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: me that. But the truth of the matter is they don't.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: And the reason that they don't owe you anything is
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: because there are no repercussions for them, whether they give
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: it to you or whether they don't. That's how you
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: know if something is for sure someone's responsibility, and when
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: it's not. When something is someone's responsibility, if they don't
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: do the thing, there will be consequences. When something is
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: not someone's responsibility, there will be no consequences. So for
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: you to say you owe me this explanation, you owe
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: me closure, No, they don't, because at the end of
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: the day, they could say something to you and you're
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: still not going to feel closure. The only person that
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: can give you closure is you, and you're asking them
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: to fulfill something that is ultimately your responsibility, and that
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: is the healing process of a heartbreak. Okay, that's just
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: one of many, many, many examples. Another example of this,
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: just to throw it in there, because a lot of
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: people would feel this is where parents start getting a
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: bit older and they think that their children owe it
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: to them to now be completely responsible for their parents.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: So on top of the fact that their children might
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: already have children of their own and a family of
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: their own, they think, no, you owe it to me
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: because I brought you up, I raised you this that
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: now I am your responsibility. Now you have to take
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: me everywhere. You have to do this, you have to
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: do that, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Some
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: people are willing to do it, and some people want
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: to do it, but in general, it is this feeling
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: that people get when they feel less relevant, and that
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: is some older people, not all. But I'm saying this
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: because I've had many, many, many people write to me
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: with specifically this situation. But it's this feeling where they
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: guilt trip their children into doing everything for them because
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: of that owe it to them. But then who ends
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: up feeling isolated and upset the parent, the older parent
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: who's guilt tripping their children. So that's just another example.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Another problem that relying on people and having them owe
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: you something that it causes is it affects your ability
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: to enjoy that relationship or other relationships moving forward. So
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: to enjoy a new partner in your life, or to
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: enjoy new friendships in your life when you always feel
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: hard done by by the old ones because you're carrying
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: this resentment with you. It affects your own relationship with
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: yourself because you're saying that you need something from others,
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: when really you could be showing yourself how you could
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: be doing those things and shifting your focus elsewhere, or
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: how you could be providing a lot of the things
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: that you seek in other people. I've got a whole
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: episode called I think it's I can't remember the number,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: but it's something to do with stop looking for others
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: what you can provide for yourself. Stop looking for whatever
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: it's called. But it's around that concept. It also affects
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: your mood. It affects your ability to trust people, because
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: trust is something internal. It's got to do with you.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: It stops you from truly living the life you want,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: on your terms, on your time. A lot of the
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: time you're in like a limbo of feeling deceived and waiting,
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: feeling hurt, feeling rejected, feeling neglected, all of these things.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: And another thing is that when people owe you something,
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: there's a few options that could be happening here. Number One,
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: they realize that they owe you something and they know
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: that they have to give you that thing that they
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: owe you. Number two, they realize it, but they have
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: no idea how much it's impacting you or how much
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: is consuming you. So they might know, oh, yeah, I
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: owe you that thing, but for them, it's not a
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: big deal when it might be a huge deal for
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: you and it's consuming you, and they're like, mah, it
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: could be a money thing. Oh yeah, i'll pay you
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: back for that thing. I'll pay you back, and you
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: could be festering, festering, festering, festering, and they're like, yeah, fucknah,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: and they're thinking, oh yeah, yeah, i'll pay you back.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I'll pay you back. But there's no set time, set day,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: mind you, when it comes to money. I find that
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: fucking rude. But anyway, they're people that just don't see
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: how much it's affecting you because it wouldn't affect them.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: And number three, they realize that they owe you something,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: but they don't give a flying fuck about it. They
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: just don't care. Okay, So those are the options, and
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: then of course there's the option that number four they
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: don't even realize that they owe you something. That's a
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: big one. There's a huge, huge, huge percentage of people
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: that have no idea right now that currently a lot
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: of people feel like they owe them something like I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: am sitting here, blissfully unaware, recording this podcast, waving my
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: arms around, and there could be people that they're right
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: now who think I owe them something and I have
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: no fucking idea a what it is, and be who
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I owe what to? There are also people that make
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: a thousand empty promises every single day. People want to
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: be the hero in the moment. They want to please
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: you then and there, and they will make promises and
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: make invitations and make all these, you know, exciting commitments
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: because they want to be the here in the moment,
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: and they want to be exciting, and they want to
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: be celebrating with you. Let's do this, We're gonna do that.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: And it's often the really good people that do this
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: because it's them trying to share in the moment and
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: share in the love. It doesn't mean that they're a
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: bad person. Yes, it's a bit of an annoying character trait,
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: but it doesn't make them a bad person. But still,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: for people like that, you don't want to be like
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: you said we were gonna fucking have a dinner, and
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: then you never followed through, Like are you gonna are
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: you going to be upset about something of that magnitude,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: yes or no? Okay. If someone consistently is always making
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: plans and saying, I promise you, I'm gonna have you
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: over to my house, I'm gonna have you over for dinner,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: you always have me at yours and they never follow through.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: They never follow through. If they consistently do not follow
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: through with their invitations, what does it mean. It means
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: that it's a pattern of behavior, and with that you
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: can make whatever conclusion you want. You could say they
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: hate may, they're fucked, they don't respect me, or you
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: could be like they're fucking flakes, they're a better for
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: a disaster, but they're good people and they show me
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: that they're a good friend in other areas, you come
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: up with the conclusion. But what you can see is
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: there's a pattern of behavior. A lot of the time
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: when people owe you something, they've already shown you a
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: very clear pattern of behavior of who they are. They've
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: not hidden who they are, and they might have said
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: one thing here or there, but the actions always speak
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: louder than words, and you'll be able to conclude very quickly.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: Based on this person's pattern of behavior, the likelihood of
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: them following through on their word is either high or low.