Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #147 Ultimate Parenting Triggers

Transcript

#147 Ultimate Parenting Triggers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I think it all has to do with pride.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Now how. My name
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of six books about
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  Speaker 2: raising happy families. I'm here with my wife and mother
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  Speaker 2: of our six daughters, my co host, my podcast partner,
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: and pretty much, in fact, without question, my all time
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: favorite person in the whole wide world missus Happy Family
• 0:26
  Speaker 2: is Kylie.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello. Hello, You're my favorite person too.
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  Speaker 2: Should we just do a whole podcast about how much
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: we want?
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  Speaker 3: No?
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  Speaker 2: No, no, let's not do that. People do not want
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: to hear that. What's going on?
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  Speaker 1: Well, I have a confession?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I like your confessions. They help me to feel
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  Speaker 2: like I'm not actually the most I mean, I'm flawed.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: I make mistakes. Even as a parenting expert, I still
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: get it wrong. So I'm guessing this is a parenting confession.
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  Speaker 1: You want me to take one for the team today? Clearly?
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: Yep? Bring it on. What did you do well?
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Yesterday?
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  Speaker 4: Didn't go so well for a bike ride, which you
• 1:01
  Speaker 4: do a few mornings a week, and then at the
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  Speaker 4: last minute remembered that our car had been left at
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  Speaker 4: the mechanics over the weekend because we couldn't pick it
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  Speaker 4: up sure, and decided that you would you ride a
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  Speaker 4: little bit further to actually help the team and pick
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  Speaker 4: the car up.
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  Speaker 1: So on me having to do.
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  Speaker 2: I'm supposed to be home before seven o'clock to make
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  Speaker 2: sure I'm there for the morning routine. But by riding
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  Speaker 2: an extra twenty k's it's good for my legs, which
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  Speaker 2: I really want to make sure my legs are one.
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  Speaker 2: But it's also I figured you don't want to be
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  Speaker 2: getting in the car with a sweaty man in likra
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  Speaker 2: to drive me to get our other car and come
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  Speaker 2: back at the time when we're supposed to be getting
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  Speaker 2: the kids ready. So it made sense, right, you look
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: after the kids, I'll go for the extra bike ride.
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  Speaker 2: Everybody wins.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, And it should have been fine. We'd had a
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  Speaker 4: great night the night before. I knew where their school
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  Speaker 4: shoes were, I knew where their socks were, their uniforms
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  Speaker 4: were ironed, everything was pristine and ready to go.
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  Speaker 2: Because we've talked about this, right, I mean, this is
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  Speaker 2: what our podcasts. The podcast is helping us be better parents.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: When he begins the night before, we're making sure that
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  Speaker 2: everyone knows the routine. I mean, we've been doing a
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  Speaker 2: really good job of this, we.
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  Speaker 4: Really have, but yesterday just didn't come together. And it
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: all started literally because one of our children was a
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  Speaker 4: little bit wary as they got out of bed, and
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  Speaker 4: an attempt to help her move through the process a
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  Speaker 4: bit quicker, Lily stepped in and tried to give some
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  Speaker 4: direction and guidance, and Emily just didn't like being told
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  Speaker 4: what to do.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is pretty standard, right. You've got a
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  Speaker 2: tired child who she's got a helpful big sister who's
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  Speaker 2: got a heart of gold, who's saying I want to help,
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  Speaker 2: and you're having a hard time, so let me do
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  Speaker 2: this stuff for you. But the six year old becomes
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: obstinate and obnoxious, and when I called to say here's
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: my plan, she was screaming into the phone and I thought, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know if this is a good plan or not.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: But you told me to keep going, which I appreciated.
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  Speaker 2: I figured, Okay, Kylie's got this, And at.
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  Speaker 4: That point i'd actually separated the two and Emily was
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: very upset, but we kind of spent some time together
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  Speaker 4: and calm down.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Directly, So at that time, you did got this? I did, right,
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  Speaker 2: I got this.
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  Speaker 1: I got this.
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  Speaker 4: But unfortunately what happened from there was that Miss thirteen
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: was in her room and she'd kind of caught the
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  Speaker 4: emotion of what had been going on next door.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, because emotions are contagious, and so she.
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  Speaker 4: As she came out of her room, she kind of
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  Speaker 4: picked up where they left off and it just blew
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  Speaker 4: out of proportion within minutes. And so I came in
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  Speaker 4: and unfortunately this time was not so good. I kind
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  Speaker 4: of turned into a bit of a puffer fish parent
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  Speaker 4: and it just escalated in seconds and it was a
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  Speaker 4: bit messy.
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  Speaker 2: So probably worth just jumping in and highlighting. Pufferfish parenting
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  Speaker 2: is something that I write about in What Your Child
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  Speaker 2: Needs from You, my first book. At pufferfish, when they
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: get threatened, they blow themselves up as big as they
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  Speaker 2: can and they annihilate the threat. You know, they frighten
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  Speaker 2: whatever it is that's come near them away.
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  Speaker 4: Clearly, I'm not very good at puffer fishering because my
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  Speaker 4: kids are not scared of me at all.
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  Speaker 2: Right, puffer fishering, but it makes everyone feel horrible, right,
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  Speaker 2: emotions are contagious, like you said, So Annie's cranky because
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: the other kids were cranky, even though the other kids
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  Speaker 2: have calmed down, but now they started treating each other badly,
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  Speaker 2: and you become the puffer fish, And now the whole
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  Speaker 2: family's cranky, and I'm on my bike blissfully unaware of it,
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: listening to podcasts thinking how good is this morning?
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  Speaker 4: Well, you know the biggest thing about it all is
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  Speaker 4: that we're all feeling really justified in our actions and
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  Speaker 4: our anger.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, because it wasn't your fault, it was their fault.
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  Speaker 1: That's exactly right.
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  Speaker 2: And that's what they're thinking about each other.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: That's exactly right.
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  Speaker 2: So let's talk about triggers, the ultimate parenting triggers. My
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  Speaker 2: guess is that the kids fighting is one for you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, definitely, yep.
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  Speaker 4: I really struggle as a mum watching my children who
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  Speaker 4: can be so peaceful and attentive to each other's needs
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  Speaker 4: and then turn on each other in the next bread.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, they turn the living room in to fight club. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: it's pretty nasty, isn't it. What other triggers have you got?
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  Speaker 2: Let's unpack this publicly. Let's just talk about all of
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  Speaker 2: your triggers, all of my triggers.
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  Speaker 4: I hate, I absolutely hate it doesn't matter whether it's
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  Speaker 4: children or adults.
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  Speaker 1: But I hate name calling.
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  Speaker 2: Oh I thought you. I thought that's where the sentence stopped.
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  Speaker 2: I hate children and adults, but it's the name calling. Okay,
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  Speaker 2: got it.
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  Speaker 4: Name calling is just probably one of my biggest pet peeves.
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  Speaker 4: It just it's so damaging and it hurts me even
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  Speaker 4: when it's not said to me, especially when it's.
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  Speaker 2: The kids talking to each other. We like, we love
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  Speaker 2: you kids, and all of a sudden, you're being so
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  Speaker 2: mean and nasty with each other. Anything else that really
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  Speaker 2: sets you off, Oh, if.
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  Speaker 4: I'm tired, if I'm hungry, if i feel isolated or
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  Speaker 4: unsupported because somebody's on a bike ride.
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  Speaker 2: Gosh, oh my goodness, that's harsh. Well let's take a
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  Speaker 2: quick break and when we come back, we'll talk about
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  Speaker 2: what the science says about triggers and how we can
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  Speaker 2: actually control them, and then maybe we can find out
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: whether or not you're rescued.
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  Speaker 3: The Morning US Screens Creating Tension at Home, Tweens, Teas
• 6:00
  Speaker 3: and Screens is a webinar to guide families to healthy,
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: safe superscreen solutions. Bye Today at Happyfamilies dot com dot
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: au slash shop.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers Now. We decided that
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: we would ask a few parents what their biggest triggers
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  Speaker 2: are when it came to the.
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  Speaker 3: Kids, name calling, fighting, everything that goes to that, when
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  Speaker 3: they say that it wasn't me when it was them.
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  Speaker 3: I find it frustrating when my children don't do what
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  Speaker 3: that be told to do straight.
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  Speaker 2: Away, stay up late to watch TV later than they're
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  Speaker 2: supposed to. Having different ages and stages and having different
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  Speaker 2: rules makes.
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  Speaker 4: It a bit tricky when they wake up during the
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  Speaker 4: night and they don't give me a full night sleep,
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  Speaker 4: and then they are arguing the next day. Teenage daughters
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  Speaker 4: doing TikTok, dancing in front of the mirror and not
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  Speaker 4: doing a homework, slaming doors, all the usual.
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  Speaker 1: Fourteen year old girl things. They answer beck a lot
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  Speaker 1: and don't do what they're told.
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  Speaker 2: This is a normal part of being a human, right
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  Speaker 2: you know about my Holtz acronym. I do so imagine
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  Speaker 2: you're in Germany. You're a German. What you're looking at me? Strangely?
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  Speaker 2: You can imagine being in Germany because you've been I
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  Speaker 2: have I you're laughing now, because because I haven't been
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  Speaker 2: to Germany, you haven't.
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  Speaker 1: So I'm trying to figure out you're you're imagining this.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm imagining. I'm in Germany and I'm trying to
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  Speaker 2: go through a traffic light and the German policeman stops me,
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  Speaker 2: so he helped me. H A L T S.
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  Speaker 1: But there's lines, there's no policeman there.
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  Speaker 2: Well, let's just say I'm going to go through an intersection.
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  Speaker 2: Now you're just skoiding. Now you're just showing off because
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  Speaker 2: you've been to Germany.
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  Speaker 1: So continue you're sorry.
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  Speaker 2: Let me just let me just explain why Kylie's been
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  Speaker 2: to Germany and I haven't. Some years ago, when our
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  Speaker 2: eldest daughter was back in grade ten, I think it was,
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  Speaker 2: she went on a school excursion of Germany and Kylie
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  Speaker 2: decided to be the parent to tag along and you know,
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  Speaker 2: provide that extra supervision and I stay at home with
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  Speaker 2: the other. How many children do I stay home with
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  Speaker 2: the other? Forty three children?
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  Speaker 1: Forty three?
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  Speaker 2: This is what it felt like.
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  Speaker 4: It was literally the first time I've been let out
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  Speaker 4: of the house, or about years you've been.
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  Speaker 1: Let out of the house.
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  Speaker 2: What am I doing to and I stay at home
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  Speaker 2: on my own for three weeks.
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  Speaker 1: With all the an amazing job.
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  Speaker 2: That's actually not what happened at all. It was terrible, but
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  Speaker 2: we won't talk about that. We got through it. It
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  Speaker 2: was actually I did a good job. Anyway, we digress.
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  Speaker 2: So you're in Germany and a policeman stops you from
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  Speaker 2: going through the intersection. There's no traffic lights on the intersection,
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  Speaker 2: just to please missus happy families here, and he holds
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  Speaker 2: you hlts. These five letters actually, I guess help us
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  Speaker 2: to identify the central triggers that are going to set
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  Speaker 2: us off, regardless of whether we're with our kids or anybody.
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  Speaker 2: This is just part of being a human.
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  Speaker 1: Are you planning on testing me on this?
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  Speaker 2: Let's go. What does H stand for hungry? Okay? Which
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  Speaker 2: is me ninety percent of the time. Yes, it is
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  Speaker 2: no wonder I'm always such a crank.
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  Speaker 1: We have angry really bad in this house.
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  Speaker 2: Well, the A stands for angry, And now it's really
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  Speaker 2: important to highlight that a angry You don't just get angry. Normally,
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  Speaker 2: when you're angry, it's for one of a couple of reasons,
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  Speaker 2: Like anger is a secondary emotion. So normally, if you're
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: profoundly sad. This is quite deep for a moment. If
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  Speaker 2: you're very, very very sad, quite often the only way
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  Speaker 2: that you can deal with that sadness, or the only
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  Speaker 2: an unhealthy way that people deal with profound sadness is
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  Speaker 2: to be angry. If you're feeling frightened, you'll often get angry.
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  Speaker 4: And we see that with parents when you know, the
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  Speaker 4: children do something that's that's.
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  Speaker 2: Scarce, or they run near the road in the paris,
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  Speaker 2: what are you doing? It's just the anger that comes
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  Speaker 2: out because of the fear, or maybe you've got a
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  Speaker 2: teenager who's doing things that you are not okay with
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  Speaker 2: and you get really angry. But what you're really saying is,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just so worried about you. I'm seeing make these decisions.
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  Speaker 2: I'm scared. And we get angry as well when we're
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  Speaker 2: feeling like things are a bit out of control, like
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  Speaker 2: we're you know, we just we don't have the capacity
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  Speaker 2: to rein.
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  Speaker 4: It all in, we're being called names and we just
• 10:03
  Speaker 4: feel hurt.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, so hurt can lead to anger. So that's
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: h and a hunger and anger. Then we've got l
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: four loneliness. You got it, and you can be lonely,
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  Speaker 2: whether you're sitting beside somebody or whether you're completely isolated,
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  Speaker 2: like if you're not feeling connected seen herd valued, then
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  Speaker 2: you will probably feel lonely. And that's a big trigger
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  Speaker 2: for lashing out huge, it's a big trigger. The what
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  Speaker 2: are we up to? T is that tired and if
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  Speaker 2: you're a parent.
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  Speaker 1: That's you twenty four to seven.
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  Speaker 2: All the time. And then S is four way stress
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: yeah stress. Yeah, but we could add another s as well.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: We could say that the German employement has a starter,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: he halts you, and that's for sickness. So these are
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: all triggers that will will set us off. And the
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: reality is there's no simple way around those triggers except
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: to make sure that you've got a full belly, that
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  Speaker 2: you well rested, that you don't have any stress in
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: your life, and that you feel connected to people all
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: the time. Yeah yeah, So it's not very realistic. What
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: we've got to do instead to manage these triggers is
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  Speaker 2: harness the power of modern psychology and do a lot
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  Speaker 2: of the things that we talk about on this podcast,
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  Speaker 2: in my programs and in my membership, because that's how
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: we learn how to repattern our brain and not be
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: triggered by our kids to talk.
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: It kind of took me back to our conversation last
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: week about magic mornings, and I think one of the
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: major things that will help us with these triggers is routine.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So when you've got a good routine, you're
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: more likely to get enough sleep, so you're not going
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: to be tired. You're probably going to be eating well
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: because you've got a good routine, and you're going to
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: have a good solid sense of what's supposed to happen
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  Speaker 2: next and just move through the flow, so your stress
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  Speaker 2: levels are low.
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  Speaker 1: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: So this is how we do it. And obviously this
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  Speaker 2: morning the routine went out the window.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Well I didn't go out the window, just the kids
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: were just crazy.
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: How did you pull it back together or did you not?
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  Speaker 4: Well, I'm really happy to say that this morning doesn't
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: always happen this way, but this morning I was able
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: to pull it back together because.
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: You had been triggered, right, you were not at your best.
• 12:07
  Speaker 4: I was definitely not at my best, and so voluntarily
• 12:10
  Speaker 4: we all left the living space for a period of
• 12:14
  Speaker 4: time and we were able to kind of stop talking,
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: and that allowed our brains to start working a bit more,
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: and we kind of had some time to be introspective,
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: and when we all came back together for what we
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: would normally do as our brief family meeting, just to
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: check in with each other.
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  Speaker 2: So we have a devotional every morning as a family,
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  Speaker 2: and that does not work very well when people are
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: angry at each other.
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: So it doesn't and I actually was not very confident
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: that they would even come.
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  Speaker 2: High emotions, low intelligence, It's going to be a horrible time.
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  Speaker 2: But they all came back together.
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: They all came back together, and as we sat down
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  Speaker 4: and we kind of shared a brief message together and
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  Speaker 4: I just said, girls, you know what happened this morning.
• 12:52
  Speaker 4: And it was actually our thirteen year old who just
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  Speaker 4: blew it out of the park and she said, you
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  Speaker 4: know what, mum, I think it all.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Has to do with pride.
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: She said, we're so caught up in being right and
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: being justified in how we feel that we forget the
• 13:09
  Speaker 4: flow on effect that one brief action or interchange with
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: another person can actually have not only on that person,
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: but the whole family. And that's exactly what happened.
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: I love that answer.
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: Though.
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: Pride, it's pride it's me not being able to let
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: go and be humble enough to say sorry, or I
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: did the wrong thing. It's about pride.
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and each of us were able to acknowledge the
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: part that we played in this morning and apologize to
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: everyone as a group. And it felt really, really really
• 13:42
  Speaker 4: good to be able to recalibrate together.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: And just acknowledge that, you know what, this morning didn't
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: go so well.
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: But the highlight there was a really big highlight for
• 13:51
  Speaker 4: me and it was our little ten year old Lily.
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: She handed me a note a few minutes before we
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: walked out the door.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: Can I to you?
• 14:00
  Speaker 4: I think that it's really beautiful? She said, Mum, I'm
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: really sorry for what I did today. I guess I'm
• 14:07
  Speaker 4: just really tired. I haven't been able to get much sleep.
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: That's why I've been waking up so early. I'm extremely sorry.
• 14:12
  Speaker 4: You don't know even how sorry I really am for
• 14:16
  Speaker 4: what I did. It's not my place and I never
• 14:18
  Speaker 4: should have been so rude to you. I know better
• 14:21
  Speaker 4: and I will try to do my best every day.
• 14:23
  Speaker 4: This afternoon, if you are okay with that, I would
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: like to treat you to an all new exclusive massage.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: Yours truly Lily.
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: Now, that little comment there about the massage goes back
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: to Mother's Day. The girls gave me my very first
• 14:38
  Speaker 4: day SPAR experience, and since then they've been very excited
• 14:41
  Speaker 4: about shouting me again to this SPAR experience.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: So I'm very excited about this afternoon.
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: That's really nice. So the take home message, everybody's going
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: to be triggered. It's part of the human experience. We're
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: going to be hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and stressed, and
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: therefore people are going to come into our world to
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: go to be challenging to deal with. I think the
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: other take home message is probably that I should I
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: should ride my bike more and leave you to practice
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: those mornings. Really, what do you reckon?
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: That's what you got out of this one?
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Maybe not, I don't know if that was a good
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: idea or not. You know what, we just really appreciate
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: you listening to this podcast. We hope that you're getting
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: loads out of it. Like Jess who left us a
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: five star review on Apple Podcasts.
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: Your podcasts have provided a lot of good tips and
• 15:29
  Speaker 4: perspective on parenting, and I agree with a lot of
• 15:32
  Speaker 4: the other reviews. You are the light at the end
• 15:34
  Speaker 4: of the tunnel when I most needed help. Wow, thank you,
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: thank you, thank you, and thank you Jess. That's awesome.
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a great, great review. You know, these podcast
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: reviews are coming through every day and we would love
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: for you to join the join the crowd by leaving one.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: What happens when you leave a review is that other
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: people find the podcast and then they can make their
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: families happy. So it only takes a couple of minutes,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: and we would be so grateful if you would jump online,
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: go to wherever you get your podcasts, but most specifically
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Apple podcasts, and leave a review and a rating. Five
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: star ratings are always appreciated. We love those. Thank you
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: so much, Jess for leaving that. The Happy Families podcast
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: is produced by Justin Roulin and our executive producer is
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce. Thank you both of you for making this
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: sound well, I was going to say sound great, but
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: that might sound like I've got a big head. But
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: thank you for making this sound how we sound and
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: helping us to be better. For more information about how
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: we can help your family to flourish, especially if you'd
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: like to have ongoing monthly support via our amazing Happy
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Families memberships. Please visit Happyfamilies dot com dot au or
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: visit us on social media. We've got an Instagram page,
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: or you can find us on Facebook at doctor Justin
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Coulson's Happy Families