Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Entering your UNBOTHERED and THRIVING era (E)

Transcript

Entering your UNBOTHERED and THRIVING era (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:21
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: So today is an Encore episode because I am going
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: on maternity leave. I have hand selected with my assistant Shanai.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: We've hand selected episodes that we think will be like
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: just honestly your favorite. They're episodes that have either gotten
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: really bad, really really bad, really great feedback, or have
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: been shared a lot amongst you guys, or have been
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: shared a lot on socials and reshared on stories, so
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: we thought, you know, we'd bring back kind of the
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: top favorites are the ones that resonated the most with
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: you guys. So I'm going on just three well, the
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: podcast is going on three weeks of maternity leave. I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: am going on four months of maternity leave. But fear
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: not fretno, I have created an entire back catalog. So
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: after these three weeks of Encore episodes, you will be
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: receiving your normal dose of a Monday episode and a
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: head Noise episode, and also some really cool mini series
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: scattered throughout up until the end of the year, and
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: then I will come back for regular programming mid January
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: after kind of the Christmas break. So without fucking around
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: any further, enjoy the episode. The encore episode of Today,
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Love You Guys So Much. Episode is all about being
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: unbothered and thriving. It's your unbothered slash Thriving era. I'm
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: going to go through five things that I want you
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: to focus on to become less bothered. I'm going to
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: give you exactly what I mean by bothered. I'm going
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: to talk about what it's like when you become unbothered
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: verse when you are very bothered, okay, and all the
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: things that can actually the positive things that can come
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: of it when you start to kind of release a
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: little bit of control, when you start to release the
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: need to attach yourself to things that probably aren't the
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: healthiest thing to attach yourself to. So there'll be five points.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: I'll be diving deep. It's going to be a great
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: fucking time. Let's go straight into the podcast topic of today,
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: because there's a lot that I kind of want to
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: impart onto you and to get you inspired for your
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: year of being unbothered and thriving. Now, it's really funny
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: because I was talking to my best friend live and
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: she said to me, and I'd already like planned out
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: this episode. I had all my notes and I've been
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: planning this episode for a little bit, just kind of
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: like revisiting the doc and just I kept adding notes
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: to it, and Live the other day said to me,
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: she goes, you know what, I've got one word that
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I'm going to really lean into this year, and it's
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: going to be kind of like my mantra for the year,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: and that is unbothered. And I'm like, you know what,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: We're on the fucking same way of length, babe, because
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: I'm currently doing an episode about unbothered. She's like, stop, stop,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear it. I can't wait to
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: hear it. So let's dive straight in. I don't have
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: a brain factor today. I'm so sorry. I know I
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: should for the first like normal episode back of the year,
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: but alas here we are. Okay. So the first thing
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: is what does unbothered look like? Because by the end
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: of this episode, I want these things to be part
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: of your life part a few year. Okay. So it
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: is not letting things get to you, things that don't
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: need to get to you, not letting them get to you.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: It looks like being able to brush something off that
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: did affect you, being able to process it more so
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: in the moment instead of letting it fester and moving
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: on without it weighing you down, even if it's still
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: something that's happening, even if it's something that you can't solve,
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: it's being able to be like, all right, this is
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: a thing. I've acknowledged it, I'm processing it, but I'm
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: not going to let it ruin my day. So it's
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: not about not giving a fuck. It's not about not caring.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: It's about not letting things bother you past the point
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: of necessities. Okay. It is having no need or no
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: desire to get someone to do something for you, and
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: then feeling like you've been let down if they haven't
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: done it for you because you are minding your own business.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: A big part of being unbothered is really learning to
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  Speaker 1: mind your own business. When you take care of your shit,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: you're less bothered about what people are doing with their shit.
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  Speaker 1: And this kind of ties into what Mel Robins. If
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: you listen to Mel Robins great great podcast, she's just
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: a legend in general, great books, but she talks about
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: this this let them theory. You know, you feel so
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: much better instead of like why am I here trying
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: to control someone to do something to make me feel like,
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  Speaker 1: you know, this is a valid relationship, whether it's a
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: friendship or romantically, I need to let this person be.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: And if I let this person be, then I'm going
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: to be able to make up much better judgment on
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: how I want to navigate this moving forward. Do I
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: want this person in my life? And if they are
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: in my life, I'm able to have much better expectations
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: of what I can expect for them and what I can't.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Being unbothered is acknowledging that and realizing that you ultimately
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: cannot control someone else's behavior. So the best thing you
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: can do is learn what their real behaviors are and
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: then decide what you're going to do about it, and
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: then become really unbothered because you're like, I'm dealing with
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: my shit. I'm going to focus on my fucking shit.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: You focus on your turd, all right. The next thing
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: is is it's going where the energy is and not
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: pushing against where energy is not. One of the biggest
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: disservices that we can do to ourselves is trying to
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: get someone to see us for who we are, trying
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: to get someone to like us, trying to prove our worth,
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  Speaker 1: prove our worth, prove our worth, when meanwhile, there's probably
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: a lot of pockets or areas in our life where
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: your worth is being realized, but you're not leaning into it,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: you're not aware of it, You're you're focusing on something else,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: so you're feeling pretty low about yourself or shit about yourself.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: It's a blow to your self esteem. So I feel
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: like this is one of the areas that this year
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I really want you to focus on. It's like, I
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: need to lean into areas where the good energy is.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: And if I find myself trying to prove to someone
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: that I'm good enough or prove to someone that I'm
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: worth it, this is where I need to really pull
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: back because that is a leech. It is a leach
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: of your energy. It's a leech of the you know,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: the goodness that you can bring into your relationship with yourself.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: It's a leach if you feel good neurochemicals, it's not
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  Speaker 1: fucking worth it. If you're sitting here trying to convince
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  Speaker 1: someone that you're good enough, you are wasting your time. Okay,
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: because if someone can't see it doesn't make them a
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: bad person, but they just value things differently to what
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: you do. Like sometimes I look back when I used
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: to date, and I would you know, fall ahead of
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: obviously Limerens. But I'd be like head of the heels
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: over someone and they'd just be like mah towards me.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: But I'd be like really fighting it, like really trying
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: to get them to see me in the best light
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: to the extent that I try and like pretend to
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  Speaker 1: like things that they like, or pretend to like have
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: the same humor as them, to be like, I need
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: them to see me in the best light possible for
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: them to really like me. But what ends up happening
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: is that I'm putting across a version of myself that's
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: not really that great. It's not really like me. And
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: also I'm expecting them to value things that I value.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I'm expecting them to think that what's good in a person,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: or what is what is valuable in a partner is
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  Speaker 1: what I see as good and valuable in a partner.
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  Speaker 1: The fact that they didn't quote unquote see my worth
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  Speaker 1: doesn't make them a bad person. It just doesn't make
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: us the appropriate match. Okay, someone's not going to see
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  Speaker 1: your worth because what you have to offer is not
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: what they value. That doesn't make them a bad person,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: and it definitely doesn't make you a bad person. But
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I've gone on a tangent. But that's super important when
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: it comes to being unbothered. It's like, I don't need
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: to make you feel a certain way. That's not my
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  Speaker 1: fucking job. Okay. The next thing is being able to
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  Speaker 1: dismiss things that are not directly related to you. How
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: often do we ponder and fester on something that it's like,
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: if you really thought about it, it's like, wait a minute,
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  Speaker 1: if I was to step back, this is not actually
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: directly related to me. Why am I working myself up
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: about this? And, like I've mentioned before, like attracts like
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: it is very easy to work yourself up about anything.
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  Speaker 1: We don't need to do that, okay. And then the
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: last one, being unbothered looks like being able to switch
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: to problem solving mode a lot faster and spending less
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: time in emotional melting down mode. Now. I'm going to
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: talk about the importance of feeling your emotions later on
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: in this episode, because that's crucial, But I think it's
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: really important to realize that so much of being unbothered,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: it's again, it's not about avoiding, not caring, not paying attention.
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  Speaker 1: It's thinking what do I have control over? What don't
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  Speaker 1: I have control over? Now, let's work with what I've got,
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  Speaker 1: and if I don't have that, It's about accepting and redirecting.
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  Speaker 1: That's what being unbothered is. It's got nothing to do
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  Speaker 1: with disrespect or dismissing or not giving a flying fuck. Okay. Now,
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  Speaker 1: the beauty of it is that all of what I
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: just said is available to you. It might take a
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: little bit longer if you're someone that's like, yeah, but
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I get flustered, really fucking easy, It's fine. We are
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: training our brains. At the end of the day, you
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: are looking at your brain as a muscle to be trained.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: If you're someone that says, oh but no, no, no, no,
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I fly off the handlebuzz too easily. But things set
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: me off so easily, roadreage drives me and saying that's fine,
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: We've now acknowledged our starting point. There's nothing wrong with that.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: You know. The best thing that you can do is
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: be aware. There's nothing more attractive than someone who's self aware.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: And then once you're self aware, then you take the
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: next step to say, what can I do about this? Okay?
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: So if you're someone that says, well, this is going
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: to be a big journey for me, it doesn't matter. Okay,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It's a journey, and you can start
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: that journey today and the brain can be trained no
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: matter where you are starting from. It's easier for some
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: people than others. But we're not here to compare our
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: journey to other people's journeys. You're on your own fucking
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: journey right now. Now, what is bothered? And then I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: gotta go into all the points. So this is where
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: things affect. This is where things affect your mood, Where
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: things cause you to be anxious. It's overthinking, it's catastrophizing.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: It's mind reading and thinking of the worst case scenario
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: when you do try and read someone's mind and think
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: what they're thinking, and the humiliation, the embarrassment, Oh my god,
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: it's fear of missing out. Fomo is bothered. There's fomo
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: is like a crazy, crazy example of bothered. Okay, it's regret,
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: fearing if you've made the wrong decision, fear of what
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: people will think. That's that's being bothered. Okay, I'm very
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: fucking bothered right now. It's annoyed, it's someone getting on
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: your nerves. It's things piercing you off unnecessarily, where you
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: just irritated and irritable. It's feeling rattled, agitated, all of
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: the above. That's what bothered. Okay. It's also thinking about
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: your mistakes of the past, thinking about how embarrassing something was,
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: or how embarrassing something could be. So it's going to
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: stop you from doing something. It's everything that's going to
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: ultimately make you slow down or pause or hold yourself back. Okay,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: And it's also going to make you feel shit. So
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: if you're wondering what the kind of bothered feel like,
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: that's what I'm referring to now, mind you, I just
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: want to make something very clear. I'm not referring to
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: bothered about caring about someone or something or putting effort in.
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: That's very different. This is not a plight to get
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: everyone to not give a fuck about anything. It is,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: you know, me caring about something is not about being
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: bothered or unbothered, Okay. I'm talking about things that are
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: negatively affecting us in our life that we can actually
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: afford to get rid of. Being Unbothered should also never
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: directly impact someone else as well being. So it shouldn't
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: be a quest to become as selfish as possible and
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: not factoring the people that are closest to us in
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: our lives, where it's important that we, you know, give,
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: because in order to have healthy relationships, we have to
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: give as much as we want to receive. All right,
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: So when you're talking about being unbother, it's not about oh, well,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: now I'm just going to lift for me. I'm going
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: to do everything for myself, and my partner can basically
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: get fucked, or my housemates can get fucked, or my
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: family they can be the ones card. Obviously, I think
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: if you like that goes without saying, but I thought
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: i'd just quickly address it just in case, because you know,
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: in case I didn't make myself clean. Sense sense Now,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: The one thing that you do have crazy control over,
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: whether you've got control over it yet or whether you're
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: going to have control over it, is your emotions and
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: how you express your emotions more importantly, because you might
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: not have direct control over the initial emotion that you feel,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: but what you do have control over is what you
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: do after that and how you express yourself after that.
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: That's what we're focusing on because there is nothing wrong.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: If anything, it's great that we feel the entire spectrum
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: of emotions that's available out there. That's what makes us human,
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: that's what makes you who you are. Okay, So what
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: your focus is is not I don't want to feel anxious.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I never want to feel stressed, because that's actually going
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: to exacerbate the problem. If you think, oh my god,
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I'm flawed because I'm feeling these things, it's not a
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: good thing. So instead you're going to think I can
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: feel everything I want to feel. I'm not here to
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: block these feelings. I'm here to acknowledge that feeling in
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: the moment and see is this useful is it not?
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: And regardless if it is or not, how am I
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: going to express myself? What am I going to do
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: with this moving forward? And yes, at the moment, like
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: in the beginning, it's going to feel like a lot
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: of work because you are very aware, But that becomes
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: second nature and subconscious very quickly, very quickly. The more
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: consistent you are, the faster it becomes a subconscious process.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: The more inconsistent you are, it's just going to take
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: a bit longer, but it still can become a subconscious
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: process if you do it regularly enough. Now, let's get
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: into it. The first The first thing that I want
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: you to focus on is number one, mastering the art
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: of detachment. That is the first thing we're going to
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: be talking about in the next five out of these
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: five points. Okay, so this is learning to stop attaching
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: yourself to shit unnecessarily. Okay, you don't want to be
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: making a storm in a paper cup. And we do
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: this all the time. I do it. I like to
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: think that I do it a lot less. But when
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: I am aware of attaching myself and detaching myself, I
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: can almost instantly snap myself out of a spiral of something.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: If I think, alexis you are attaching yourself to something
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: that you don't need to be attaching yourself. That interception
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: of your logic into your emotions does wonders. I've spoken
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: about this on the podcast. I've done tiktoks on this,
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: I've done whatever. But the idea of name it entertainment
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: will really help you in this detachment. And name it
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: totainment is simply you name what you're feeling in the moment.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Now it sounds very basic, because it is actually happening
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: in the brain. When you name it entertainment is you're
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: feeling an emotion that's very emotion like emotional, mid brain primitive.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: It's like I need to protect myself or retreat or whatever.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: I have it. I have a visceral emotion. Number one, okay,
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: number two. You name it. When you name it, you
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: switch the dominant region of the brain that is paying
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: attention to this stimulus. So, for example, if you're feeling
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: scared about something or insecure about something, you're sitting in
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: your emotions. It feels very intense, feels awful, anxious, and
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: then you name it. That is your prefrontal cortex. It's
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: it's the reasoning part of the brain. It's the executive
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: function kind of the brain, and you kick it into action.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: The moment you kick that part of the brain into action,
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: you're reasoning, it starts to calm down the other part
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: of the brain. So while that stimulus is still there,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: while that thing that made you feel stressed or fearful
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: may still be there, the way you perceive it instantly
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: begins to say h down to an extent. For some
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: people it's massive. For other people it takes the edge off,
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: but it's worth doing, because that is one of the
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: first ways that you can really master the art of detachment.
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: You want to name it, bring your conscious awareness into
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: it so you're able to talk yourself down if that legend,
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: be like, all right, and then you want to ask yourself,
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: do I need to be attached to this thing? Do
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I need? Is this a need? Because this is a need.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: We're in a need by need basis right now when
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: we're talking about becoming unbothered, all right, now, I also
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: want you to learn to reason your way out of something.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: Reasoning is your ticket out of feeling attached or bothered
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: about something, Okay, because it is pulling yourself out of
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: this reactive emotional state and bringing yourself into a proactive
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: problem solving logical state. Now, emotions are very important. That's
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: why we want to work with both. I'm not saying
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: switch up emotions. I'm saying, let's work with what we've
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: got and let's get them both working too together as
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: a team within your brain. Okay. Now, detachment does not
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: mean indifference. It means freeing yourself from the need to
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: control people, freeing yourself from the need to control outcomes
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: and situations. It is realizing that when you are clinging
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: to expectations, you will often be let down or it
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: will lead to stress. It will lead to you waiting,
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: and you know, putting yourself on hold or on pause
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: for something else to occur. When you are attaching yourself
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: to an outcome, you're probably not really enjoying the journey
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: that much. It takes you out of the present moment
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: and it puts you somewhere in the future, which may
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: be causing you stress or anxiety, or it may be
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: causing tension within a relationship. Okay, So you can practice
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: this by number one name it's tame it of course,
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: and then the other one is using affirmations like I
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: can release the need to control what I cannot control. Okay,
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: if it's not in my control, it's not in my control.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Certain things like that, And it sounds basic, but again
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: that's you your logic mind talking to your emotional centers
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: right now, regulating your emotions. By doing this actually helps
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: you regulate your emotions even more so. What I mean
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: by that is like attracts, like the first time you
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: do it, you think you know. For example, I did
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: a TikTok talking about name entertainment and someone comments being like, well,
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I try. I listened to this TikTok and I tried.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: It didn't work for me. And I'm like, all right, well, firstly,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: not everything that I say is going to work for
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: absolutely everyone. Let that be clear. I'm not some guru.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: I'm giving I'm trying to give suggestions for how people
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: can live their life, and it's not going to work
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: for everyone. Number one number two doing something once, It's
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: like me calling up my pataf to first of the
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: sessions out I don't have abs do the work for
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: me and hanging up. You've got to do something several
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: times over so you regular the first time, you might
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: notice the difference. You might not. You regulate again, You
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: regulate again. You start teaching your brain how to regulate,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: to the extent that you teach it well enough that
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: it does it automatically. Okay, So the more you regulate,
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: the more you regulate. Okay, you go from a conscious
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: conscious effort to subconscious processes. Right. The next thing I
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: are you to do, still were still stickings to Step
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: one is I want you to identify normal triggers and
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: pre empt them so you can kind of nip it
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: in the bud. If I know that something is going
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: to be like a trigger or something's going to set
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: me off. Then going into it knowing it actually makes
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: it easier for you to be prepared and do something
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: about it. For example, if you're someone that has crazy
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: road rage, if you were to say, before you get
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: in the car, today is not the day. I'm not
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: the fucking one. I am going to prioritize my peace
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: of mind. Things are going to happen on the road
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: that I can't control. There are going to be morons
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: on the road. That is a given. I know this,
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: So I need to settle myself before I get in
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: the car, right and then just that is enough to
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: prime yourself because you now set yourself being like I
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: know that this is a possibility. If something is likely
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: to set you off, then you need to learn how
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: to preempt it so that way you can do something
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: about it before it sets you off. If someone normally
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: pisces me off, you know, with how they talk before
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I interact with them, I can say, okay, just settle,
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: just take a big breath in It annoys you for
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: these reasons, Exhale, I know I can't control it, and
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to go in just the conscious awareness
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: of it, I can guarantee you will help you, you know,
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: like prevent you from flying off the handlebars, because once
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: you do fly off the handlebars, that's when it is
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: a lot harder to bring yourself back down. It's very possible,
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: but it's just requires more effort and it feels like
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: it's more of an emotional kind of journey to do.
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: So now, before I go into the next point, I
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: do want to emphasize that feeling your emotions is extremely important. However,
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: if you are angry, that is not you feeling your emotions.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: Anger is a secondary emotion. So when you are feeling angry,
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: that is you avoiding another underlying emotion. So if you
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: feel anger coming on, I want you to pause and think,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: all right, what's the actual emotion that is underlying? And
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I'm allowed to feel that, But anger is me avoiding
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: am I feeling abandoned? And my feeling hurt? Humiliated? Am
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: I scared? Am I anxious? You know that there's so
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: many things that could you know? Am I frustrated? You know?
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: I want you to acknowledge what the underlying feeling is
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: that's causing you to have this angry outburst because feelings
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: should be felt, but anger is not you feeling your feelings. Right.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: That is why, in my opinion, a lot of men
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: who don't address their emotions have angry outbursts, but then
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: they call women emotional. Okay, anyway, Number two. Number two
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: is master the pause. So the importance of a pause,
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: the significance of a pause, This is going to transform
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: your life. And all you have to do is, before reacting,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: before saying anything, you pause, you take one breath. That
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: moment of the will change how you respond to that situation,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: to that stimulus. At the start, it's going to be
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: like I'm holding myself. I'm holding myself. And then the
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: more you do it, you start to think, I'm taking
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: this regulating breath. I spoke about it, and I don't
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: know how long ago, it was not that long ago,
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: about the importance of a sigh and how that regulates
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: your nervous system. That pause, ideally mixed with a nice
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: deep breath, or in conjunction with a nice deep breath,
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: will actually help you regulate how you're feeling and respond
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: appropriately instead of snapping, saying something you're gonna regret, or
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: start to mind read and start to spiral, and then
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: you just you know, you're not actually present in the moment.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: You start to catastrophize what someone's thinking about you and
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: this and that. You just pause, take a deep breath,
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: You regulate your nervous system just like dogs do when
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: they're about to go to bed, and take a really
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: big sigeh, and then you're able to be like, all right,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: I can approach this with where I've switched modes. You
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: are actually switching modes with that pause and a breath.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: You are switching modes. You go from reactive to proactive.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: It is so quick, it is so easy, and it
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: is your the probably the fastest and of the points
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: that I'm saying, it is the quickest and probably the
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: most effective way to become unbothered. The pause and the breath.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: It is a game changer. So use it as often
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: as you want. And it's free. Okay, it's fucking free.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: We can all do it. Number three is rewire through
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: self talk. Okay, so how you speak to yourself will
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: determine how you feel, and then how you feel is
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: going to determine how you act and how you behave
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: in your natural environment. Okay, So we want to be
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: replacing these things, these statements to ourselves, with something that's
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: a little bit more empowering or where you feel like
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: you have a little bit more control over yourself, because remember,
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: being unbothered is about minding your own fucking business, not
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: worrying about what other people are doing. Because the moment
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: you start worrying about what other people are doing, you're
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: worrying about something that's not within your control, and then
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: you're going to get really stressed out. Okay, so I
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: want you to, you know, have statements that you're going
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: to replace. So if you're saying I can't believe this
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: is happening to me, I can't believe this is happening
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: to me, you instead could be like I wonder what
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I'm going to learn from this, or you could you
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: could instead be like I've gone through something similar and
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: I came out the other end or last time this happened,
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: this is how I dealt with it. Okay, Because if
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: you're saying I can't believe this is happening to me,
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: you're basically saying I'm actually in control of everything, and
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: this is actually a shock that something that's not in
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: my control is happening to me. I can believe this
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: is happening to me because life is predictable. Given that,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: I also can believe that I'm pretty resourceful and I'm
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: pretty resilient. So I'm going to see how I'm gonna
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I'm interested to see how I can turn this situation around. Okay,
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: so there's many things that you can say that's not
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: like like woohoo, oh my god, nothing, I'm unscared, nothing's
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: hurting you know. You can approach this very differently, but
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: it's still dealing with the fact that something is happening
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: to you. When something you know happens to you that
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: or when you fail at something you can say you know,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: or a breakup or whatever. You could say I've handled this,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: or I've handled worse, or I've come out of something
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: like this before. I can come out of this again,
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: if anything, will be easier for me to come out
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: of it this time because I've done it a couple
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: of times before. All right, I also want you to
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: look at journaling prompts as well, if that helps you.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: I think journaling prompts are really good because it sets
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: you up for the day. It kind of gives you
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: like an overall theme to think about for the day.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: I always talk about priming yourself for the day, whether
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: that be physically or emotionally or mentally, so writing something down,
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: ideally physically writing something down. There's something that's just special
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: about pen to paper physically doing it. Where it's a
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: statement where you could be like, how can it be
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: kinder to myself today? Or how can I show myself
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: patience today? Or where can I prioritize my peace of
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: mind today? Okay, things like that. Now, another thing that
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: you can say, and I say this to myself quite often.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: This is a statement that I said to myself very
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: very often, and it really helps me, and that is
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: if I can't control it, at least I'm not going
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: to let it control me. And that has helped me
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: through so many situations because I think this is happening
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: to me, but unfortunately or fortunately, it's only up to
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: me to decide how I proceed. I can't stop that
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: things from happening. There's so many things that are not
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: in my control, so I can't. I can't stop a
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: moving train, but I can I can have some level
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: of input into how much that thing is going to
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: control me, because I have to decide where I'm going
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: to go and what I'm going to do in response
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: to this thing, or if I'm not going to give
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: it any airtime at all, I can either respond to
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: it or remove myself from the situation altogether. So I say,
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: if I can't control it, at least I won't let
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: it control me. Use it, abuse it, use it as
• 27:29
  Speaker 1: much as you like. I love it. Number four is
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: create an emotional like toolkit basically. So basically, this is
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: a toolkit that is going to help you. And I've
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: spoken about this before, it's going to help you basically
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: turn things around in that moment. It's kind of a
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: way once you've done what you need to do, Like
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I've addressed this thing, I'm not going to be bothered
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: by it. I'm not going to try and control something
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: I can't control. Now I need to pivot. I need
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: to pivot to get myself into a good mood. So
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: this could be you know, like I said, statements for yourself, affirmations, whatever,
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: they're good pivots, but stronger pivots are going to be
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: things like you know, music is a really good one.
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: Something that's going to you know, bring on a strong
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: positive emotion. So you've got to have one playlist that's
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: kind of like your amp up playlist. It's like a
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: right of pivoted whatever, and I'm going to listen to
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: this music that always empowers me, or I'm going to
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: read over you know, Like I've got a folder in
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: my phone and it's screenshots of either beautiful messages that
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: you guys have sent me, or that like my friends
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: and family have sent me, but like things that when
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: I read, I'm like, oh, I feel so like grateful
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: and loved and loving and all of that. It's a
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: really nice feeling. So that could be one of those things.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: It could be a little like folder of photos that
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: when you look at them, whether it's vision board photos
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: or whether it's photos of your life, where it's just
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: images of things that make you feel good about yourself. Right,
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: So is this emotional toolkit. It's once we've identified the emotion,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: once we've done what we need to do to get
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: in control to be a bit more logical about it,
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: then we want to have this pivot to pivot us
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: into a better feeling state. That's huge, and it accelerates
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: the process so much faster. Okay, Now the last one
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: is I want you to and this is huge in
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: being unbothered, and it sounds pretty basic, but it's so
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: fucking important. And from now on, every single day in
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: the morning, at the start of the day, at some point,
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: I want you to say, I'm going to prioritize micro
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: joy moments. So this is where I'm really going to
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: lean in. There are so many times in the day
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: where good, funny, happy things are happening, but we might
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: just skim over them completely because our mind is somewhere
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: else and we're being bothered about something that we actually
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: cannot control. All right, So I want you to really
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: lean into the these tiny, tiny moments instead of always
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: having your mind being like, but the ultimate goal is there,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: that's the end goal. That's the end goal. Do you
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: know how much you step over completely when you're focusing
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: too heavily in your future about the end goal? And
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: this thing has to happen so much, okay, and weirdly enough,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: when I zoom in or not even zoom in, but
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: when I when I am way more present and I'm
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: focusing on you know, these like pockets of funny or
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: joyful or adorable moments when I get home and instead
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: of just patting my dog on the head. But if
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: I just sit down on the floor and I like
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: really spend time and i don't have my phone on
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: me and I'm just really present in that moment, these
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: are micro joy moments. I instantly get this surge of
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: feel good emotions. You know, if I'm on the phone
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: to someone, I try and you know, if possible, obviously
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: within reason, I'll sometimes try and be like, well, I'm
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: not gonna be looking up other things on my phone
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: or doing something else. I'm just gonna sit and have
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: the phone there and have a nice conversation, lean into
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: this beautiful moment. I'm going to like when funny things happen,
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: into that funny thing and really kind of you know,
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: be in that moment when it's happening. So yeah, it's
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: basically in a nutshell about being more present, but it
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: is when something makes you smile, when something makes you laugh,
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: when something when these things happen, try and write it down,
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: and try and write it down if possible in the moment,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: but if not, you can do it kind of at
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: the end of the day. And it's a list of
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: like joyful moments. And what that does is that the
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: next time you experience that moment, because you wrote it down,
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: it reminds you of what it made you feel the
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: last time, so you're more likely to lean into it
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: this time to generate the same kind of feeling. All Right,
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: you become a person who's really big on these micro
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: joy moments. And when you are in these moments, you're
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: releasing all these feel good neurochemicals. You're releasing dope, man,
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: you're releasing serotonin, you're releasing oxytocin. You're feeling connected, you
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: feel elated. And then of course, when you feel that way,
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: this chemical you know, reaction in your brain is actually
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: influencing how you perceive and feel about other things in
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: your day. It puts shit into perspective and you're able
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: to zoom out. Like the times that I've gone through
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: really hard things in my life. If I've fested alone
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: at home and I've been processing this really difficult thing,
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: it feels like it is all consuming, it is taking
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: over my life. Right, But then when I like go
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: and hang out with my family in the midst of
• 32:19
  Speaker 1: you know, this intense thing that I'm going through. If
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: I go and hang out with my family and then
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: we start like playing games or doing puzzles, or laughing
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: or talking about things and joking. I can then think
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: back about that stressor and think, oh my god, it's
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: almost like it's shrunk. It still exists, but in such
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: a short amount of time, I've shrunk it down. And
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: the reason it's shrunk is because when put into perspective,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: when you know, thrown in with all the other joyful
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: things within your life that you can create and that
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: can happen to you, it still exists, but it's not
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: taking over my life. It is this pocket here, but
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: there's all these other pockets here, and I'm able to
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: take from all these other areas in my life. A
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: big mistake that we make, myself included, is that when
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: something bad happens, and like, unless it goes unchecked, obviously
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: I check in and I do these things and it
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: works every time. But when it goes unchecked is you
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: can then sit and this can grow and grow and
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: grow into something that feels that you can't overcome it.
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: So leaning into these microdome joy moments actually helps you,
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: like put things back into a bit of a perspective.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: It allows you to see that there's you know, a
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: lot of contrast in our life. But we can be
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: leaning more heavily into the things that make us feel
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: good and that are good, and not so heavily into
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: the things that are like overbearing and making us feel
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: really like way down and bothered and stressed. Okay, so
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: let's go over the five things again so you can
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: fucking lean into your or enter your unbothered and thriving
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: era in this life. So number one it is mastering
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: the art of detachment. Number two, master the poor and
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: of course the big sigh. Number three, rewire through self talk.
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: Number four, create your emotional toolkit, and number five prioritize
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: micro joy moments. Guys, that is the podcast episode for today. Hopefully,
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: even if you take one of those things on board,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: I think you're gonna feel good, You're gonna feel fabulous.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: You're going to start noticing a change. You can go
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: from someone who is highly strung and flustered to unbothered queen. Okay,
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: that is all for today. Thank you so much for listening.
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: I can't I need to see you guys at my
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: love sho. I'm so excited anyway, I'm just feeling on
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: top of the world. That is all for today. As always,
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't go