Latest / Carmedy / Episode 16.5 - The Best Way To Get Sawed In Half

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Episode 16.5 - The Best Way To Get Sawed In Half · Carmedy

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, everybody?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Carmody Podcast, where comedy meets yours slash my commute.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Dave Thompson.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: This is episode 16.5, and let me tell you something.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna be honest, okay?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm and on this podcast, I'm honest and uh and uh and and I'm up front about what's going on, and I'll just tell you, I recorded this podcast twice, and I didn't like it anytime.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I just I honked at somebody that I knew.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I told I was telling him bye.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you ever do that on the road?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: You see somebody and you honk and they don't realize it's you, and they're just like, Fick that guy.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: That was me right now.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully he realized it was me.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think he knew it was me.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: He flashed his lights at me.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, hopefully, but yeah, um, what was I saying?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, like I just I recorded it and I just didn't like it, and I just didn't like where my head was at.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You guys ever get like that where it's just like fick.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm about to say some stupid stuff right now that I'm not gonna want to hear or have other people hear or listen to or whatever.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I just kind of needed a break, dude.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: I've been working so freaking hard, just putting in stage time and and writing and and and producing and and trying to get a job, and I gotta another job interview tomorrow, and just been doing a lot.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And dude, I've been just I miss my family, dude.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've been missing my family, and I'm like, I gotta take some time to just love on this beautiful family that I have.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta take some time.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so I did.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And excuse me, I'm getting joked up about it if I'll be honest with you.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I took two whole days off.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't taken two consecu consecu not consistent to consecutive.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I know words sometimes, consecutive days off in I don't even know how long.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's been a long time since I've taken two days off in a row.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it was great.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I got to hang out with the family, do stuff with the fam, and have a great time, and just freaking love spending time with these amazing kids and and this beautiful my wife is smoking hot.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean she is I like to dance with her cheek to cheek if you know what I mean.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go, mom.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening, I'm sorry.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, mom.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Woo! Let's go! Let's get it.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Love that.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm getting horny, getting distracted.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, nah, nah.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get let's keep going.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, so I'm I'm I'm here.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm recording it.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm getting back on track.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I needed to just get a get a little uh recalibration.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's another good word.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm here.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm back.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: The yawns are back, y'all.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: The yawns are back.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: We out here.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Still got one airpod because one of them got ran over.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: If y'all know the story, you know the story.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out all the Carmedians, the faithful listeners, you guys.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen them.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: I know my my listenership went down to like a little under 50 per episode the last few episodes.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've been getting a little inconsistent and uh just a little off my rocker.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I get it, I get it.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I lost a little bit of viewership, a little listenership.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: The faithful ones remain.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I gotta say you guys for reaching out, for listening.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: It means so much to me that you guys spend time and you listen and you care about what I think or talk about, whatever.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: It really just brings it in to me and just kind of shows me that I really do got a community of people around me that that are interested in what I got going on and that believe in me.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for that.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: But let's talk, man.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk, ladies.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly parting.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: She died.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, she died, she passed away.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: She she's she's Dolly parted now.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly parted.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Frick, man.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, she was she was always so kind to people, you know what I'm saying?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was always so kind to people.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I said I said a joke tonight, you know, she inspired a lot of people.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: She inspired a lot of young women to to start music, and she inspired me to get big boobs.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's what she inspired me to do.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And for those of you that know me, you know that I do have large moobs.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I do have large moobs, and it's just a it's just what it is.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is, ladies and gentlemen.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: That's just what it is.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have large saggy moobs, and that's okay.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, she passed.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's real, it's real sad.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I gotta say, there was a group of people that were happy, as morbid as that sounds, there was a group of people happy that she passed, and that group of people was any any woman named Jolene.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Any living woman named Jolene was happy that she passed, and let me tell you why, because Jolene was a very popular name in the 50s, the 60s, and the early 70s, and she killed that name.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: She killed the name Jolene after the song Jolene came out.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you've never heard it, you should listen to it.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't take my man.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then she says something like, Oh, just because you can, or whatever she says.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I don't I can't.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I can't sing Dolly Pardon.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Boy! Well I keep yawning, it's insane.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can't see Darley Pardon, but everybody's like, Man, Jolene's or hoes.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's what the song says, Jolene's or hoes.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And look, I don't know what Jolene, so I can't say for personal experience whether they're hoes or not.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: But what I can say for certainty is that people stopped naming their kids Jolene historically because they don't want their kid to be known as a hoe.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: As a home wrecker.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I mean by hoe.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: A home wrecker.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Hoes?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, can we talk about the definition of what a hoe is?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think a hoe is like somebody like sleeping around.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what I think a hoe is.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think a hoe is a home wrecker.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like a hoe.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, you a hoe like you know this guy's married.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or if it's a guy, you know this woman's married, and you hoeing around.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: You you you you hoeing around breaking up marriages.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You hoe.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: You hoe.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know people be like, yo, I'm hoeing around like I'm sleeping around, but that's just that's sl that's that okay.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between a hoe and a slut.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's a reason if you if you dress provocatively, they say you dress slutty.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: They don't say you dress hoey.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: They say you dress slutty like oh man, I'm dressed like a little slut.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, is that what the kids say?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the Okay, I'm not saying kids are sluts.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, relax, pause.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying kids are sluts.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm say okay, hold on.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure there's some kids that are sluts, but I don't want to know them.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not Okay, this is getting Okay, I I this is not planned.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I need to stop.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I've been erasing episodes.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I've been erasing episodes.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: This is why.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, back it up, reverse it, gonna pull a Willy Wonka.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, listen.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between slut and a hoe.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: In my opinion, a hoe is is a home wrecker person that's trying to break up marriages, and and a slut would be somebody who's who's sleeping around, who's getting around.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: A woman about town.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: In my opinion, I don't know.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Is the definition different?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Am I totally incorrect?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I am.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't surround myself with a bunch of hoes and sluts, to my knowledge, though.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like all of my friends are stand-up Christians.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like all my friends believe in the one true God Jesus Christ Almighty.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hallelujah.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what all my friends be doing.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they be telling me about some provocative activities they be a part of.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like a lot of people don't say that because they know that I'm not about it.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Which is fine.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And can I be honest with you guys?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Can I be 100 with you?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think I left.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think I left my Stanley Cup at the club.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Frick! I'm frickin' thirsty and I think I left my Stanley cup at the club.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Frickin' frick.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's terrible.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um speak look, let's talk about another celebrity that just passed, Tim Curry.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now look, I was sad when Dolly passed.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then the day after Tim passed.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be honest with you, I ain't that sad.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you why.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because he was pennywise from it.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I gotta tell you, if you guys knew me when I was a kid, I hated clowns.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I hated clowns because I saw at seven or six or seven years old, I saw the movie It and it scared, it scared the crap out of me as a child.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't sleep.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was having nightmares.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was having hallucinations because of my because of the the strength of my fear that like a clown was standing outside my door and I could see under the door and there was clown shoes.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: That I was hearing a clown walk up and down the hallway just mocking me.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I used to look into the pictures that were in my hallway, and I would see his face laughing at me.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: That is how that is the power of fear that I was allowing into my life.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm sorry, allowing is a really weird word, that I was being forced on.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: That fear was being forced on me by my father, my father, who made me watch evil and ugly stuff like that when I was a child, that screwed me up.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And now I don't like horror movies.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I know some people like horror movies, and they're like, bro, did you see that scene where she got sawed in half?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I watched it just before bed and I slept like a little baby.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, shut up, you're stupid.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: How do you watch somebody get sawed in half and then sleep like a baby, you creep?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You freaking creep.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a creep.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a weirdo.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: You freaking creepy weirdo.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Watching somebody get sawed in half?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Also, which half was it?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Was it vertical or horizontal?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like if it was vertical, I think I think it's worse to get sawed in half vertically.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because it it has to go through your genitals.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: If it's horizontally, it's like okay, if you're cutting that's like your stomach, right?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or like down by your like lower abdomen type thing.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like if you were to get sawed in half, which I hope nobody gets sawed in half here.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh no car medians, that is, and that includes me.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope nobody gets sawed in half.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: But if you were, I think horizontally would be better because I wouldn't want like okay.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the deal.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, if you get sawed horizontally in half, both parts are like your lower abdomen, like your kidneys, and or your stomach, your diet your digestive tract.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's no good place to start to get sawed in half.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I'll tell you a not good place to start.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you get sawed vertically up or down, that's either your head or your genitals.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: That that it starts.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just saying, if you were not saying you would, because I hope none of you do, by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty be upon us, then none of us get sawed in half.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying, if you were to get sawed in half, vertically would be very, very, very not good.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's just my opinion.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: But who cares?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's me.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh other news.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the San Francisco 49ers owner got arrested for prostitution in Ohio.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: On the other end of the country.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: So I posted a thing that said he's the new owner of the Ohio 69ers.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I thought it was funny.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: And and and nobody really commented except one person that said you could do better than that joke.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna remember that.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Also, too, somebody, somebody tonight, this guy who just started like two months ago, who's been doing a couple couple open mics here and there.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: He says he's seen me three times now, and uh that he didn't think I was very funny, and he was wondering what the what the hubbub was about me because I I wasn't very funny, and I was like, Oh, it was just like trying out new stuff, like it doesn't it doesn't always work.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Oh, yeah, for sure.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've just never seen you do good stuff, and I'm like, Oh, thanks, bro.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I I appreciate that.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, you gotta shout out all the love for the for the new people, you know what I'm saying?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: The new people, but it keeps me on my toes, man.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta get better.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many different ways I can improve, and luckily I'm surrounded by beautiful, amazing friends.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just like this Heat Wave comedy tour, heat wave comedy tour, everybody, the district.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: This Sunday, come check it out.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be amazing.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you guys come check it out.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, thank you so much for listening.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you guys, Carmedians.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Appreciate you guys so much for listening.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Episode 17 will be out soon as well.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, yeah, this has been a blast.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, thank you so much for listening, and then uh goodbye.