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S3E28 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Externalizing Behaviors (When Big Feelings Come Out as Big Behavior) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing
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  in
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  the
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  Parent Companion series.
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  And the last couple of episodes,
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  we've been looking at the most common
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  issues,
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  presenting concerns
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  related to children's behaviors
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  and struggles.
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  And not only what is kind of at the heart of those,
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  but then also how that is addressed in the playroom.
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  So today,
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  we're going to talk about externalizing behaviors.
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  And next week we will talk about internalizing.
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  So,
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  I promise you'll get both sides of it.
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  But just for comparison and to make sure there's clarity on what exactly this means,
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  externalizing behavior.
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  Is
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  the way that the child outwardly demonstrates what's going on inside for them.
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  And you have two kinds of children.
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  You have internalizer and externalizeers.
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  The externalizeers are the ones that
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  They kick,
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  they scream,
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  they run,
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  they throw,
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  they bite,
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  they hit,
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  they swat,
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  they fling themselves on the floor,
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  they flail around.
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  They
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  are demonstrative.
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  With what's going on for them.
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  Internalizer obviously are the opposite.
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  They just suck it all in.
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  And from the outside,
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  you don't necessarily know what's swirling around inside there,
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  but at some point,
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  the dam breaks and everything
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  gushes out.
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  So we'll talk about internalizing kids next week.
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  It's funny to me,
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  not funny in a laughable way,
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  funny,
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  interesting.
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  That often
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  externalizing children
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  are the priority for
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  therapy.
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  So a parent might have one of each,
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  and almost always parents will say,
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  well,
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  I mean,
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  the one that has the tantrums has to be the one that gets in play therapy.
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  And I want to just
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  have something to be mindful of.
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  That the internalizing kids are just as
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  struggling and upheaved
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  and disregulated as the externalizing kids.
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  It's just not evident outwardly.
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  So we don't want to look at
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  the quiet kids that don't blow up
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  and say,
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  oh,
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  they're fine,
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  they're not struggling.
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  They often are sometimes struggling more so.
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  So,
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  let's just keep that in mind.
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  We'll talk more about that next week.
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  But what's going on for an externalizing kid?
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  Well,
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  They
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  are showing you
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  how badly they feel.
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  In other words,
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  I'm so upheaved,
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  I'm so overwhelmed,
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  I'm so deeply feeling these big emotions.
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  I
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  have no idea what's going on inside of me other than I just don't like the sensations.
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  We talk about somatic symptoms of a lot,
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  fancy way for saying
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  the body reacts to emotions.
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  So we feel,
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  we know what that's like.
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  We get butterflies in our stomach.
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  That's an indication of an emotion.
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  Our heart starts to race or pound.
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  That's an indication of emotions.
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  We get a lump in our throat or a pit in our stomach,
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  indication of emotions.
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  So we go through somatic symptoms too.
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  So do children.
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  We usually have an explanation for what's going on though,
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  and kids don't.
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  So they feel these things
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  and it feels uncomfortable,
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  miserable,
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  scary.
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  And so they
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  want to get rid of it,
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  understandably.
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  And so they want to show you how they're feeling.
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  So what's going on?
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  Big,
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  big feelers.
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  You're externalizing kids are big feeling kids.
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  In other words,
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  where another child might get
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  somewhat nervous,
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  the big feeling kid gets really nervous.
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  The child that may get slightly happy,
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  the big feeling kid gets really happy.
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  So high highs,
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  low lows.
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  Big feeling sensitive kids.
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  Well,
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  they have these big feelings and these big sensations and these big symptoms,
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  and they don't know what to do with them.
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  And they're miserable because of it,
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  because what other kids would just go,
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  OK,
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  whatever.
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  Externalizing kids,
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  they're big feelers,
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  they're sensitive.
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  They can't let stuff go.
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  It feels bigger to them.
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  So the big feelings require big demonstrations.
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  And they're not doing it to
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  get a reaction.
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  Although sometimes that is a byproduct,
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  but that's not at the root.
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  They're not doing it to
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  have
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  someone meet their needs,
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  although that's often sometimes a byproduct.
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  It is a subconscious need
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  to show someone
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  this is what's going on for me.
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  And
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  They're disregulated and they don't know alternatives.
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  If a child knew how to regulate,
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  and if a child knew what to do instead of
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  throw themselves on the floor and have a tantrum,
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  they would.
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  So they don't have alternatives
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  and they don't have self-control and self-regulation developed yet.
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  It's not contrived.
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  It's not for a specific end.
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  They're stuck.
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  And as we've talked about,
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  kids never want to stay stuck.
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  So if your child is externalizing
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  and they want you to see and hear and feel.
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  Their feelings.
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  First of all,
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  that's unpleasant for you.
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  That's my world most of the time.
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  Every play session almost always has some form of,
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  I want you to see,
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  feel,
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  and know exactly and hear exactly my big feelings.
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  So I,
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  I know what that's like.
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  I assure you.
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  What is actually going on for the child
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  is
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  unless I
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  get all of this out.
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  It's never going to get better.
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  So what happens in the playroom then?
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  So now that we understand what's going
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  on with externalizing children and their behavior,
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  what's at the core of it,
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  so how does that
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  sort itself out in the playroom?
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  Well,
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  kids are able to come in
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  and they
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  get to make choices.
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  They get to make decisions.
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  They get to decide what happens.
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  They're in charge.
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  So
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  there's a honeymoon phase at the start,
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  you know,
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  everyone's kind of happy and we're getting to know each other and
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  things are going really well until all of a sudden they aren't.
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  And the externalizing behavior starts to manifest itself
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  because kids know the work they need to do.
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  Trust me,
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  it is not lost on your externalizing child
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  that they lose their crap.
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  They know
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  And they don't like it
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  There it's not
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  lost on them
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  that they are so disregulated that they fall to pieces.
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  It's not lost on them that other kids don't throw themselves
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  on the floor and kick and scream like they do.
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  They know
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  And they work to become better versions of themselves.
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  So in the playroom,
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  that stuff will come up.
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  Parents often ask me,
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  well,
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  look,
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  you're not ever going to tell them no.
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  You're not ever going to
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  tell them they can't do something.
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  So,
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  I mean,
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  how in the world are they ever going to get that upset
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  with you when they just get to be the boss in there?
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  Trust me,
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  there is no such thing as an externalizing
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  child doesn't at some point start externalizing.
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  There will be something,
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  even if it's not because they wanted something that they couldn't have.
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  Maybe they failed at something they were trying to accomplish.
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  Maybe they want to end the session early and there's
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  a limit set that we still have 20 minutes left.
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  Maybe they really want 3 cookies instead of 1 cookie at the end of the session,
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  and they're told every time they come,
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  they can choose 1 snack.
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  There's going to be something.
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  And so over time,
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  these moments come up.
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  And the way that we interact with them in the session.
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  is
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  several
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  components.
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  The first is we reflect their feelings.
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  Just acknowledging how they feel
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  is powerful.
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  It reduces the intensity of the emotion.
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  Helps them feel seen,
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  heard,
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  understood,
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  validated.
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  And
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  ultimately equips them with an emotional vocabulary.
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  And as we've talked about before,
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  once children have an emotional vocabulary,
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  They start to better control their emotions
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  because they can recognize how they're feeling,
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  they can accurately identify what it is,
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  and then they can effectively communicate that to have their needs met.
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  Let me be really clear,
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  I think I said it earlier in the episode,
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  but I just want to stress it just for impact.
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  When your kid is externalizing.
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  It is their way of showing you,
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  I am really struggling.
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  And they're hopeful
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  that you will know how to help them.
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  So once a kid develops an emotional vocabulary
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  and they say,
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  I'm mad at you right now,
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  instead of trying to slug you.
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  You will respond totally differently because you know how they're feeling,
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  you know what's going on,
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  and you can address the issue and you know how to meet their needs.
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  Slugging you is going to get a totally different reaction.
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  So over time,
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  the way that we interact with them,
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  we reflect their feelings.
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  Secondly,
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  we set limits when necessary.
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  Sometimes externalizing behavior does not require limits.
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  But there are times when it will,
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  so we're going to set limits when necessary,
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  and the child learns to operate within boundaries.
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  And then we give kids lots of choices.
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  Why?
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  Because one of the things that is at the heart
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  of externalizing behavior
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  is they feel out of control and powerless.
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  So we give them power and control through choices.
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  So that they learn,
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  I actually don't have to fight so much.
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  I do get
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  to make decisions.
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  I do get to be in charge of things.
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  So those are our 3 therapeutic ways of interacting so that
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  as a child continues to work on becoming a better version of him or herself,
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  they start to externalize less.
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  And the high highs and the low lows even out.
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  We go from
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  afib,
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  if you,
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  if you know what
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  afib on a heart monitor looks like,
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  we go from that to like a cosine wave.
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  If you don't know what either of those are,
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  look them up and it'll make sense.
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  My illustration,
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  I promise.
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  I'm drawing it with my finger,
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  but I realize you have no idea what that means.
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  So
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  look up afib and cosine waves and then it'll be much more clear.
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  But essentially what we're doing for the child
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  is
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  we're allowing them the space
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  and the freedom,
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  the environment and the relationship.
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  To externalize whatever they need to,
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  knowing good and well that they don't want to be that way.
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  And they will eventually start
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  to stay in control.
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  They will start to self-regulate.
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  They will start to handle their emotions differently.
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  They will start to verbalize things more.
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  They will start to
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  be more level.
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  And that is the child-centered play therapy process.
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  So,
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  next week,
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  we will talk about internalizing kids
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  because same outcome,
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  just
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  different path and different presentation.
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  So,
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  I'm hopeful that this is kind of making sense of it for you.
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  And look,
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  maybe you don't have your kid in play therapy right now,
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  but you have an externalizer.
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  Hopefully,
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  you understand them a little bit better and you can relate to them differently.
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  And
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  through therapeutic engagement,
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  even from a parent.
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  children will naturally work on becoming better versions of themselves,
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  and they'll behave in more self-enhancing ways.
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  And that's the partnership
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  that you have with your children.
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  You're becoming a better version of yourself.
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  Your children are working toward becoming better versions of themselves,
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  and
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  you
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  are along that journey together,
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  and it converges at some point.
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  You start interacting and speaking and engaging differently,
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  so do they.
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  And everyone's better for it.
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  So I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.