Latest / MIDDLE GROUND - Real Conversations on Faith, Identity & Becoming — Through Brynne's LDS Lens of Curiosity, Love and Doubt / How to Actually Enjoy the Holidays When Your Family Doesn't Do Things the Way You Want
Transcript
- Brynne Erickson (00:28) All right, Christmas is knocking. We're two days away. And how are you going to have an awesome holiday season even though you can't control the people around you? You can't control what presents were bought or weren't bought for you. You can't control what the people think of your presents. You can't control which of your kids. If all of them or none of them are going to come to your house or to your gatherings or your parties, you actually don't have any control of that. We like to think we do by manipulating and giving ultimatums and expressing our feelings. And that will get them to do what I want them to do. Right? And maybe that'll get them to come, But the reality is we don't, can't control what people think. We can't control what they feel. We can say what we would like of people, but whether they come or they don't come to the family traditional pajama palooza, like you can still have a great time. You just have to decide what that's going to look like for you. And I have thought a lot about presents and we're still trying to figure out what we want Christmas to look like. And we really want it to be centered around Jesus Christ and around giving and not so much about the presents. And I'm still trying to, figure out what that can look like. with my kids and I actually buy my own presents because I don't think it's fair to play the guessing game with my husband of like read my mind and make sure you get me what I want otherwise I'm gonna be super disappointed and sad and resentful. I don't feel that that's fair. So I can say exactly what I would like and what I would hope for. I can send the exact listing, Maybe they'll get it and maybe they won't. But the only person that can really make sure I get what I want for Christmas is me. So I get a couple of things that I know I really want and then I share some ideas and however I get those, I just am grateful for the thought. And I just know that the best person to meet my expectations is me. Because that is the truth, right? of the situation. And when it comes to giving presents, like what's your motive? Are you trying to get something in return from giving that gift? you're probably gonna be disappointed a lot of the time because that person doesn't like what you got or they're gonna turn around and give it to Goodwill or re-gift it or they're gonna throw a fit about it. But what is the real purpose behind giving? Is it just? for fun? Is it the joy of giving? it taking the time to think of that person? Even if you didn't get what they wanted, you took the time to think of what maybe would align with them and what could be something. And actually my family does a gift exchange with the adults. There are six of us total. We draw, we don't even draw names. I'm just in charge of assigning who has who and mixing it up. And this year I just, I bought everything I wanted on Black Friday and I didn't want just one more thing or for my dad to just figure something out. And I have a KitchenAid mixer that I use faithfully. I've had it for 14 years and the speed switch which is the on and off switch doesn't turn off all the way it stops at speed two and doesn't turn off beyond that and i was really done using the power cord as my on off and i just i bet my dad could get this fixed for me and figure that out and that's what i asked for him for christmas this year and he did he found a local repair place took it in for me He picked it up, he paid for it. He even put some Loctite on a part of it that kept sliding out that they didn't fix there. And that was my gift and that was huge. Like to take that off my plate and for something that I use so much and that means so much to me, like that was an amazing gift. Even though it wasn't a typical bot wrapped. presented unwrapped, know, but it was so meaningful and I'm actually gonna think more like that, like experience-based, doing something together, ⁓ active service. I think that was really fun. That was a fun way to be a receiver ⁓ and I'm gonna be thinking more ways that I can give things like that. We've started giving more ⁓ experience-based. ⁓ time-based gifts to my parents. My in-laws do that with all of their grandkids. It's so fun. They plan an activity to do with them in the new year, and they'll combine kiddos that are kind of close in age and are buddies, and they'll take them to do things. just making those memories, which is so cool. There's so many options. There's so many different ways of doing Christmas and holidays and traditions in general. When it comes to traditions, I think it's really important to remind ourselves why we started the tradition in the first place. Like what is the true purpose behind what we do and why we do it? And typically, guess what? It's your people. It's your loved ones. It's your kids. It's your parents. It's your family. It's the people, the ones that you love. And we kind of get lost, I think, sometimes in our traditions. And we think of... the giving, the excitement, the fun, sometimes we lose our people when we hold on to our traditions so tightly. And I think it's okay to evolve in our traditions, especially as our families are evolving. Not only is there growing in size with ⁓ marriages and partners and more children being brought into the mix, but as people themselves evolve ⁓ in their own beliefs and who they're becoming, maybe they aren't celebrating holidays like you once were. And we can either resist it or we can figure out how to embrace it and to learn from. each other and about each other and that's when compromise is really, powerful. In fact, my husband's family, he's one of five and as of this Christmas, everyone is married. They've all found their person. So this is the first Christmas where we have 12 adults. There we go, 12 adults and the kids keep coming. We're still in the beginnings of grand kiddos and I'm just so grateful that my in-laws have been willing to evolve and change the traditions and that those can look different. ⁓ It's just about the people and what that can look like. And we had to ⁓ approach this again this year. We have an adult night that's been really fun. And in the past, we've done a gift exchange where everyone draws a name and gets a gift for someone. And me personally, I wasn't I just have not been too attached to that. I've even tried to mix things up in my own family a little bit, but we still do our gift exchange. And with my in-laws, I just said, you know, we have started doing this adult night where we do a dinner and a game and the gift exchange. We've kind of rotated who's in charge of the game and spearheading the dinner and what that looks like and how we get it and whatnot. And I just kind of brought it up, know, I'm really indifferent about the gift exchange. I wouldn't mind trying something different, like a service project, or even putting more money into the activity that we do. What if whoever is in charge of the evening for that year just decides everything that we do? And if they wanna do the gift exchange as the activity, then we do that. Otherwise, we don't have to do a gift exchange. and we're trying it this year. And I'm grateful that my family was on board for at least trying. And I love it because even for the people that the gift exchange is meaningful and they like that, when it's their year, they can totally do that. And they can do that every time it's their turn if they want. But it kind of allows everybody to have a say and to... do what they would want to do. And we also are trying to be really good about allowing people to opt out if they don't and they just want to come and eat dinner and then watch the game. That's cool too. Like again, it's about the people. It's about being with the people that matter most to you. And I think when we focus on that and everything else is just... not as important, ⁓ it's just a means of being together. And again, there are so many ways of how that can look. Just remember that it's about your people and helping each other create connection and spend time together and catch up. But no matter how people feel about what they think about you, you get to decide what you think and feel about them. Even if you are aware that they don't like how you do something or they don't like what you said or how you handled something. You can always say you're sorry and just show up in love. You know, you can only be you. The youiest you that you can be and they can either figure out how to love you as you are or not, but that's on them. But how we treat and see and think about other people is 100 % on us. ultimately what you think will help you create what you want to feel. So just some thoughts during this holiday season and as you are moving forward in your traditions and next year in traditions to come and as your families are evolving and changing, I encourage you to figure out ways to embrace it. and to collaborate and evolve as we are meant to do here in this life and it is a beautiful thing. So wishing you luck, you've totally got this and I hope you have a beautiful rest of 2025 and a lovely holiday season. Cheering you on.