Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #70: 'Allowed'

Transcript

Happy Hour #70: 'Allowed' · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I don't welcome to Stephan,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I never told of your protection of I heart radio.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: And welcome to another happy hour. As always, drink responsibly
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: if you choose to do so. UM. Also a content
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: warning for this one. We're gonna be talking about maybe
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: triggering food issues or eating disorders. Um, just anything kind
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: of sensitive around food and wait, so if that's something
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: you don't want to hear right now, the then totally
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: totally understands. I don't think we're gonna get too serious
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: about anything, but just a heads up. What are you
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: sipping on? Samantha? So, I really like Montgarita's and one
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: of the hot sauce companies that I like created one
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: called Pineapple Helps, which is my favorite it. So I
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: got that mix, Addison tequila, Addis bubble water and more helpenials.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Because yes, and I am drinking a pineapple hal Apenia garita.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: That sounds so good. It's nice. What about you? I'm
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: still working through my galactic gin drink because I made
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: a batch. I know this can get confusing listeners, but
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: we do it like big chunks of recording at once. UM.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: So I made a batch and I never finished it
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: the last time we were recording a Happy Hour. So
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: it's just my butterfly pea flower edible glitter infused gin
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: uh with some lime juice and a lot of bubble
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: water and it's very refreshing and very pretty, very very pretty.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: And actually we did an episode on Saber on Butterfly
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: pea flour and recently on our Instagram we posted about
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: a picture of the jin It's really pretty if I
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: do sayself, So yeah, if you want to go check
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: that out. Uh. So, I don't think this one's gonna
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: be very long. But recently I was eating a meal
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: and it was very good. It was like really good,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and I caught myself thinking, like, you're allowed to have
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: one more bite, and I just stopped in that moment
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: and thought, like, that's it's not a healthy way to
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: really think about this, because it was definitely like a
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: very withholding thought of like you can have one more,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: but that's it, And I know you can you can
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: have conversations about you know, you don't want to eat
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: too much and make yourself feel terrible, but it wasn't
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: that at all. It was like I'm going to feel
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: guilty if I go over this line you were allowed
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: to have one more bite, And I just started thinking
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: about all of this language we have like that around food. Um,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: whether it's like you know, you're guilty pleasures or indulging
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: and all the stuff, and how it is for me,
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: it's a very guilt based thing, eating or not eating.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: It can be it can go both ways. But it
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: was just like clears a bell in my head thinking allowed,
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: like I'm not allowed to eat and to feel joy
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: and to feel satisfied. Um. And I do that a lot.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: I do that, like kind of controlling you can't go
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: past this mark of the dish, or you can only
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: eat half of this or whatever, and it's just not
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: healthy and I wish I think it kind of surprised
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: me because it's not like this is new information to me,
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: But it surprised me how like it was such a
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: natural thought. Does that make sense? Yeah, there's so many
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: intrusive thoughts, and when you originally think it, you're trying
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to backtrack. I mean it comes down for a lot
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: of people. For you, specifically to there's a self deprecating
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: level of like things that you're trying to control about
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: yourself and are things that you hate about yourself. So
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: you have these ideas on how to prevent this um
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: but for me, it's like very misogynistic and ask things
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: that I might say about other people like wow, that
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: was really sexist. I have to stop use things like
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: like still controlling in my mind that I'm like, I
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: have to be less judgmental. I also have the like
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: I don't look good in this. I would never wear that.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: I could never wear this. That's that was something I
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: was recently thinking about when it came to address a
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: gorgeous dress and I was like, yeah, I could not
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: want to get away with that, And that's the first
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: thing I thought. Of course, there's a difference between being
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: comfortable versus you know, what you think you can can't do,
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: but what has allowed for you like you're talking about.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: But yeah, definitely so common. But it's so hard to
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: undo even though we know we know this is not
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: how we have to be or this is not how
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: we have to accept things. But yet yet the years
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: of training yourself, it's really hard to undo that. Yeah,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: it is, And it just felt so natural in that
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: moment to think that. And I also I was at
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: a Dungeons and Dragon session lately and it went swimmingly
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: and it was great, but I had a moment where
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I was just really uncomfortable with my body, Like I
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, gosh, because I'm the dungeon mass when
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: they're all looking at me, and I no joke tied
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: my jacket around my waist for like only because I
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: felt insecure, And then later I was like, oh, they
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: probably thought I was in my period all by period,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and then I was embarrassed about that and I was like,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: this is so much shame for just having a human body,
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: like wow, yeah, yeah, and I I don't know. I mean,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: we've had these conversations before, and I hate it because
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: I do it and then my friends do it and
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: I can't. I feel like I can't tell them off.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: But they're also impacting me, and I know I'm impacting them,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like it's I'm not saying anything,
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: so it's almost like I'm co signing on, like oh yeah,
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: that's an okay way to think. But then the fact
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: that they're saying that is also impacting me because it
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: tells me that they think that way, and they then
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I'm included in this way of thinking. So it's so weird.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: It feels like You're right, it's a lot to undo.
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: It's just so embedded in our society and in the
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: way we think, and like every commercial you could ever see,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: it's just it feels like it's it's a method of
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: control for me, but it's also out of my control.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know if that makes any sense, But because
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: it's been so ingrained and I see it everywhere, I
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: feel like I can't control it. But it is also,
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: weirdly one of the few things I feel like I
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: have control over. I don't know, no, I mean, that's
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: exactly what that is. A lot of times it is
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: a lack of control that pushes us into those habits,
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and then when we're trying to undo it, we can't
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: let it go, so it's back and forth that It's
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: really hard to do, which is why we talked about
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: therapy so much, because you need a guideline sometimes and
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: a guidance to do that. Because we have learned so
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: much self harming behavior growing up, especially as young girls,
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: growing up young girls uh with trauma, there's only so
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: much you can do in order to give some kind
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: of control over yourself and your autonomy. It's and these
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: are the ways to do it, as well as knowing
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: that this control could lead to acceptance because this is
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: what the society wants you to be, so therefore you're
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: controlling yourself to become that as a narrative. But then
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: it's a bigger party. But yeah, that's the whole meta
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: level of life. But who's really controlling you? Then? Yeah,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: so much to think about. And it's just I don't
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: I said it before to pass that every thing, but
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: it's like I just want to eat this food that
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: it becomes this like push and pull of it's not
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: even about just so bad at listening to my body.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: Everything is about something else when it comes to my body,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: it's about what other people want or what society has
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: told me I want. And because of the pandemic and
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I'm not exercising as much, it's become like a source
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: of panic. Like I can feel a panic when I'm
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: eating and I would have that before but not like this.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: And so I'm really working on it, and I feel
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: like what I eat with people, then there's a social aspect.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: It's not as bad because then like they're eating with me,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: which is all it's not healthy, but they're eating with
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: me um, and the panic will come later or it
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: won't come at all if enough time passes. But if
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: it's just me, which it is a lot, because I
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: am still Samanth and I are still pretty playing it
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: say that the quarantine, it's it becomes like a race
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: against panic. And these messages that I've observed that feel
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: so natural when I think them, and then I think
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: about it for two other seconds, I'm like, that is
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: such harmful thinking. I mean again, it's kind of that
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: whole like level of this was one of the big
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: things I dealt with and being religious, because that whole
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: guilt of you need to be pure in your mind
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: what you think is just as pure as your actions,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: which is a whole different conversation we can have. That
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: really uh pushed me to a point in a in
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: a way of like, this is how I think of things.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: So I panic when I have a not nice thought.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Not nice you know any of these things that I
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: think it is harmful. That's a thought that you really
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: can't help um. And then the guilt because you've thought
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: it as a higher level of like what the hell
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: is this? So sort of punishing yourself for a thought,
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: But it really was something that was based on religion,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: and I truly believed to a certain extent. And I
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: think for women who are told to be subservient on
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: top of that, that's an added layer of like being
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: subservient means not being impure, being a pure woman means
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: you can't have these thoughts, and if you do, you're
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: obviously bad. Yeah, are long awaited religious trauma episode. It's coming,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: but yeah, it's gonna be traumatizing to do it. So yeah,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: I mean, gosh, And there is a history of especially
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: more modern religion, tying morality for women to wait. So
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: there's also that, right, I mean, for the longest time,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: and still I think some people who still preach that
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: a woman must be there for their husband, and that
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: means the way they appear and look, and that includes
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: body shaming and in fat shaming. There's a lot of that. Yeah, yeah,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: I mean that's kind of the thing. It goes. It
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: always goes back to like someone else for me, and
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: usually a man. And I don't even want the man.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: And if I hate it because I guess I want
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: to be desired, we're all getting left point. We don't
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: want the man, we don't want any of you. Stop
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: it oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I'm not gonna
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: lie get that way about like, all right, I've have
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: enough white friends. I'm getting it close to a cap
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: so and I joke about that because I'm like, I'm done.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I'm done with this. So I'm today thinking like, if
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: you haven't already made the mark, man, if you haven't
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: already made the mark, it's done. I'm done. You gotta
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: have boundaries somewhere. Yeah, yeah, it's it's I think there's
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: I will be really interested to see as we're oh gosh,
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I hate to even say it, but as things as
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: I'm I am going out more. I'll say that I'm
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: still staying in mostly, but I am going out more
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: than I was. And it's it's just been very fascinating
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: for me to kind of see these differences and sort
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: of this like duel of the Annie before the pandemic
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: versus the me now and then how these thoughts that
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I've just been living with for two years are coming
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: into play versus my very very big need to please
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: other people. And so I I don't know, it's been
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: kind of shocking. I guess it shouldn't have been, but
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: I'm sort of surprised at how like we talked about
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: that party. We both got kind of triggered at UM.
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: I recently went to like a dinner with somebody and
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: it I just I got so overwhelmed by all of it.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Um And but I just and I hate this because
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: it makes it sound like I think I'm the cinner
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: of the universe or something. But I just felt like
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: everybody was watching me, like my body was so Folks
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: and everybody, we're not saying this in a good way.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: You're not saying that as in a good way. You're
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: feeling that you're being the center of everything that's not ego,
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: centers of is panic, anxiety and self consciousness. Yes, yeah,
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: but it just feels like I'm like, there's a logical
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: part of me that thinks probably everyone either feels that
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: way or does not care about me one bit, right,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: but still doesn't take away from the fact that you
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: feel that way. Right, It's true, It's true. But I
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: I hate it um because it takes you out at
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: the moment, and it takes it, like sucks the joy
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: out of everything, including delicious, delicious food that you're feeling
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: so self conscious about eating. I'm a little offended. He
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: went without me. Oh, you know what. We're changing offices soon. Um,
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: and I think we need another oyster get away, Yes,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: to celebrate our move. Yes, it's been a minute. It
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: has been a minute. I do think we get oysters
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: far more than almost anyone. I think anyone I home.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: But yeah, it's still not a lot, but it is
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: more than every three months. It's time. Yeah, but there
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: was a there's an oyster place in our the building
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: we're moving out of that we have not been too,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: so we could celebrate. Yeah. Yeah, And I do love
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: those when I when I am able to like let go,
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: it's beautiful. I love sharing meals with people and talking
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: over food and having those happy memories. It is a joy.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: It is a joy. I love making those memories with you, Samantha. Yeah, well,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: clearly a lot of I feel like I've come a
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: long way in the mindfulness front, but clearly still a
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: long way to go. And this is a lot to unlearned.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I mean it really is, especially when we still get
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: those messages every day, Like I swear every food commercial
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I've ever seen has some kind of messaging like this.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: So continue to work on that. In the meantime, cheers,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: cheers and yes listeners. Um. If you have any any
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: thoughts about this, some of you have sent some really
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: amazing emails to us before about things like this, please
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: send them to us. You can do that at our
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: email at Stephie your Mom stuff at ihart meia dot com.
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom sub podcasts
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: or Instagram and stuff I've never told you things. As
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: always to our super producer Christina, Thank you. Christina joined
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: us spart oysters, Yes yes, and thanks to you for
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: listening stuff and never told you. Pspection of I Heart
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Radio for more podcast from my Heart Radio is the
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcast or wherever you listen to
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: your favorite shows. No more w