Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor When You Are the Only Person Like You
Transcript
- Lucas: So here is a number I keep coming back to. A 2025 study from the Center for Talent Innovation found that 78 percent of professionals who are the only person with their background in a room — whether that's the only woman, the only person of color, the only person from a non-traditional career path — report struggling to find a mentor who really gets what they're navigating. Luna: That is a staggering number. And I think it's one of those things that gets acknowledged in diversity reports but rarely gets solved in practice. Lucas: Right, because the typical advice is go find a mentor, ask someone you admire, build a relationship. But if you're the only person like you in the building, the pool of people who share your identity or your specific professional journey is basically empty. Luna: So what do you do? Do you look outside your organization? Do you find mentors who don't share your identity but still understand your struggle on a human level? Lucas: Both. But let me give you a specific case. A Black woman engineer at a large tech company — let's call her Maya — told me that for her first three years, she couldn't find a single senior Black woman engineer in her entire division. So she built a mentorship network by looking outside: she joined a professional association for Black women in tech, found a sponsor at a different company who eventually advocated for her promotion to senior manager. Luna: That's smart — and it highlights the difference between a mentor and a sponsor. A mentor gives you advice, a sponsor uses their political capital to open doors for you. Lucas: Exactly. Maya's sponsor didn't work at her company, but she had influence in the industry and could make calls. That's a big lesson for anyone who's the 'only' — you might need to cultivate sponsors outside your direct reporting line. Luna: I have a personal story here. When I was the youngest person on my first marketing team — I was twenty-two, everyone else was in their late thirties — I felt like I couldn't get traction. I cold-emailed a retired executive whose blog I'd been reading for years. He was in his sixties, white, male, not obviously like me at all. But he responded and became one of my most important mentors. Lucas: What did he give you that your colleagues couldn't? Luna: Perspective. He'd seen being the outsider in a different context — he was a first-generation college student. He couldn't advise on being young in a marketing meeting, but he could talk about the psychology of being underestimated and how to turn that into an advantage. Lucas: That's a powerful reframe. So the mentor doesn't have to mirror your identity. They just have to be able to translate their own experience of being different into your context. Luna: Right. And sometimes that's even more valuable because they're not stuck in the same assumptions. Lucas: One framework I like for this is what some researchers call the 'Mentorship Constellation.' The idea is you don't need one perfect mentor who covers everything. You need a set of people — maybe five or six — each filling a different role. One for technical skill-building, one for navigating office politics, one for emotional support, one who's a sponsor pushing you upward. Luna: That takes the pressure off. You're not looking for a soulmate mentor. Lucas: Exactly. And for someone who's the 'only,' it's liberating because you can find different pieces from different people. Maybe a peer from a similar background at another company gives you solidarity. A senior leader who doesn't share your identity but respects your work can sponsor you. A retired person from a totally different field can give you perspective. Luna: How do you actually start building that constellation? I mean, cold-emailing worked for me, but it's intimidating. Lucas: It is. But the data shows that people are far more likely to say yes than we expect. A study from the University of Chicago found that people underestimate others' willingness to help by about 50 percent. So the first move is just asking. Luna: And make it easy for them. When I emailed that retired exec, I kept it short, mentioned something specific I'd learned from his blog, and proposed a single fifteen-minute phone call. Lucas: Low ask, clear value. That's a great template. And you can apply that to building a constellation: identify one gap in your current support system — say, someone who can help you understand how decisions really get made in your industry — and reach out to someone who seems to have that insight. Luna: I also think it's worth saying that if you're the 'only,' you might need to be more proactive about maintaining those relationships, because you can't rely on bumping into them in the hallway. Lucas: Absolutely. Schedule a recurring check-in, even if it's once a quarter. Send an article you found interesting. Make it a two-way street — ask how you can help them. That reciprocity builds genuine connection, not just transactional advice. Luna: And you know, something that's helped me over the years is remembering that mentorship doesn't always have to be formal. A lot of my best guidance came from five-minute conversations after a meeting or a quick Slack message. Lucas: That's the 'micro-mentorship' idea. Quick, low-stakes exchanges that add up over time. For someone who feels isolated as the 'only,' those small touchpoints can be incredibly validating — just hearing someone say, 'Yeah, I've seen that dynamic before, here's how I handled it.' Luna: Exactly. And it's worth noting that sometimes the best mentors are people who are just a few steps ahead of you, not decades ahead. A senior associate can mentor a junior associate in ways a partner can't. Lucas: Great point. The constellation includes near-peers too. They're more accessible and often more attuned to the current landscape. Luna: This episode is part of a library of career advice that we're building here at Fexingo — all ad-free, by the way, because we think that keeps the advice honest. If these conversations have helped you think through a career move or decision, and you'd like to support keeping them free of sponsor interruptions, the link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: That really does make a difference. Every contribution goes directly into making the show better — better research, better guests, better episodes like this one. And it means we never have to tailor our advice to please an advertiser. Luna: Alright, back to the constellation. So let's say someone listening is the only person with their background in their workplace. What's the first step they should take this week? Lucas: Map your existing relationships. Write down everyone you currently turn to for career advice — even informally. You might find you already have the start of a constellation. Then identify one gap: is there a technical skill you need to build? A political dynamic you don't understand? A promotion you want but don't know how to get? Luna: And then find one person who can fill that gap. Not the perfect person, just someone who could help a little. Lucas: Right. And if you're the only one, you might have to look outside your company — a former professor, a connection from a conference, someone you follow on LinkedIn. The key is to start small. One conversation. Then another. Luna: And don't underestimate the power of being specific about what you're looking for. When I asked that retired exec for advice on being the youngest in the room, I named the exact challenge. That specificity made it easy for him to say yes. Lucas: Specificity also helps the mentor feel useful. Nobody wants to give vague career advice. But if you say, 'I have a meeting next week where I need to present data to senior leaders who are twice my age, and I'm worried about being taken seriously' — that's a problem a mentor can actually help with. Luna: And even if they can't help with that specific thing, they might point you to someone who can. That's how the constellation grows. Lucas: One last thought. If you are the 'only,' you have a unique perspective that is actually valuable to potential mentors. You can offer them insight into a part of the organization or the customer base they might not otherwise see. That makes you a valuable mentee, not just a seeker. Luna: That's an empowering reframe. You're not just asking for help — you're offering a window into a world they might not understand. Lucas: Exactly. So go build that constellation. Start with one small ask this week. Luna: And if you do, I'd love to hear how it goes. We're always learning from you all as much as you learn from us.