Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep29: Immigrant Parents, Explained: Spill the Tea 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep29: Immigrant Parents, Explained: Spill the Tea 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: My dad is also an actor, but he started acting after I did.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: Because he was like, It's so easy you can't do it.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: I can.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, that fine.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: If you think my life's so easy, why don't you go to some open call auditions and you understand how hard it is, how much rejection I face every day at my job.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, Okay.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: And he went to all these auditions and he started booking everything.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's a true story.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: He got on this show in China, in mainland China, called Little Daddy Xiao Baba.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: Half a billion people watched that show.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's like the Big Bang Theory of China, and Richard blew up.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: And he was like, This isn't easy.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: My plane completely backfired.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: And my aunt in Shanghai, she watched the show and she would call the house in LA and she's like, Congratulations, Richard.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: You're such a good actor.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: Did your son teach you how to act?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, No, no, I'm a natural.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's very good.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: You and your son, same business, you know?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: You two are very funny.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, no, no, Jimmy's not a funny.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, dad, that's bullshit, okay?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_03: You got one good role, good for you.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: I'm happy for you.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_03: But you're not a real actor yet.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_03: Real actors, we gotta cry, we gotta laugh.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Do you even know how to cry in front of a camera?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_03: He was like, Yes, I just think about how much you suck at ping pong.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_03: Needless to say, I grew up with low self-esteem.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: Because I was raised by Asian parents.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_03: My dad's not even the worst, my mom's much worse.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: Have you guys ever hung out with old Asian ladies?
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: Old Asian ladies will tell you exactly what the fuck is wrong with your face.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_03: As if they're trying to do you a favor.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: I go to my mom's house, the first thing she says, she's like, Jimmy.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yo.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yo.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Why is your face so fat?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: Your clothes look homeless.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_03: And your hair.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_03: Oh yo.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's a gay.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes it's like embarrassing for me to go hang out with my mom, you know?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: Cause because Asian people, we just got a different custom.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_03: Like my mom, when she goes shopping, she doesn't buy shit she needs.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_03: She just buys shit because it's a good deal.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: I I brought I one time I brought a full full price shirt home.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: $20.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: And she was like, what is it?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Full price?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's a bad deal.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, mom, it's only$20.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, yes,$20 if you're stupid.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_03: She goes to Ross and she freaks out because everything's a great deal.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, Jimmy, you should buy this.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_03: You should buy this.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_03: It's a good deal.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: This is a good deal.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, mom, that's a double XL shirt, okay?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_03: And it says obey on it.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna fucking wear that.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, it's okay, 50% off.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: Someday it'll fit, okay?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: If you want a good deal, you follow the old Asian people.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_03: You go to Costco, you see a sea of old Asian people because you know everyone's getting a great deal.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody's getting ripped off.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: You go to Whole Foods, never seen one old Asian motherfucker in my life.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: We don't believe in that shit.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: I moved in late 78 from Iran to Northern California.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: It was a place called Marin County.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: Bunch of white dudes on skateboards.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: I had never seen a skateboard before.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: We'd have skateboards in Iran.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: In 78, there was one guy who had a skateboard in Iran.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: His name was Mansoor.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: He had long curly hair, just as much curly hair coming off his chest.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: He was skate around Tehran trying to pick up women.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: Ha, yeah, Mansour.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I have a skateboard from the future.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: You want to go on a date?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, you have to walk because there's no room for you.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I go to Northern California.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_01: All the white kids are doing tricks on their skateboards, they're doing jumps, they're talking skateboard talk.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, bro, woo, gnarly, woo, shaka, radical, woo.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know how to ride a skateboard, I would just carry mine behind them, trying to blend in.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, bro, America.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Woo! Radical, woo! Things will be going great to the one or two times when my immigrant Iranian parents showed up at the school.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: And when your immigrant parents show up at the school, they come in loud.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing subtle about them.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: I swear to God, all the other parents, some of the parents were very well off.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: The guy was a CEO of a bank, but he was subtle about his wealth.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: We're not subtle.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are in Dubai, you know what I'm talking about.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's no subtlety.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't have three Bentleys, you're nothing.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Bro, these guys, this guy was a CEO of a bank.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: He would show up with a blue buttoned-up shirt, khaki pants, driving a sob.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: You just show up.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, yes, I'm here for Brock's parent teacher meeting.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever you're ready, I'll be in the corner.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just let me know.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: You have any water?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's fine.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'll choke.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just choke.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Here comes my family.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Dressed up like they're going to the Copa Cabana.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Her name was Lola.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: She was a show girl.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: My dad's got a three-piece black suit with a red tie.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: My mom's got a mink coat, feathered hair, and a cigarette.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Every cousin we've brought to America is in the car.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in the corner trying to avoid eye contact.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Why'd they bring all the cousins?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Why is she wearing a mink coat?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: This is a parent meeting, not the opera.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Then my dad would start talking.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: You could hear him from the other side of the auditorium.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know why, they just want to be loud.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Just thank you very much for having us here today at your event.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: What a great opportunity! Land of opportunity.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: We love everything that you've done with your country.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: He starts congratulating the teacher on her work with the country.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Your bird is an eagle, very good choice for the bird.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: He starts showing off his knowledge from the American citizenship exam.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Your flag has 50 a star, 50 a state.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Very good idea on that one.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I like the 13 stripe for the 13 colony.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good idea, too.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: My favorite branch of government, legislative, executive, and judiciary.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because I like the checks and the balances.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Your food, Big Mac, delicious.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Your turkey is a little bit dry.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Then he outs us.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Who are we?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we are the immigrants and we're with him.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Dad, shut up! They thought I was one of them.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Then he makes it worse.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Where are we from?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: We are from Iran.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Dad?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody likes Iran! There's a hostage crisis going on.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: For some of you in your 20s, there was a hostage crisis going on.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: They don't know shit nowadays.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: Too much Instagram, not enough history.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: Very overprotective parents.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I have to fly around a lot doing stand-up, and whenever my mom finds out about a gig, she'll call me up the night before.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: She'll be like, I want your flight number.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: I want the name of the hotel you're staying at.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_02: I want the phone number of the comedy booker.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, what are you gonna do with this info?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: You live all the way in Seattle.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: Like if I die, I die.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: My mom thinks she's Liam Neeson from Taken.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: Like if something were to happen to me, she would just call the comedy booker up, like, I have a very special set of skills.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, what are you gonna do?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_02: You're just a mom.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_02: Look behind you.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_02: No one fucks with my son.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, mom, thank God I gave you his contact info.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: Untie me.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, boys, but I tell my mom everything.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_05: My dad has swag, man.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_05: He's 74 years old and he walks around the house like this, you know what I mean?
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_05: And he's always laughing.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_05: He's like, and he's always pointing at shit that's not there.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_05: He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_05: Like my dad's a special man, you know?
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_05: Like he taught me lessons in five seconds or less.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_05: You know, he didn't sit me down and have long conversations.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_05: Nine years old watching cartoons.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_05: My dad walks in and goes, son, don't talk about it, be about it, and just left the fucking room.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_05: There's another reason my dad has swag.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_05: This black man has a PhD in nuclear physics.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_05: Now I hear the Asian people, oh, okay.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_05: Black man plus PhD equal white man.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_05: My mom.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_05: It's my mom.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_05: Calm down.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_05: My mom, she was born and raised in Korea, Southside.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_05: Now we know who doesn't watch the news in this room.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_05: But here's the thing about Asian women: they don't have filters.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_05: If they think it, they say it, it flies out the mouth.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_05: If you don't believe me, go to the airport.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_05: They all got masks over their mouths, just walking around, talking shit about people like, oh, you so stupid, you so dumb, oh your purse is fake.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_05: My mom has no filter.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_05: That's what I'm saying.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_05: No filter, man.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_05: I was 12 years old.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_05: My mom buys me my first pet.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's a little black cocker spaniel.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_05: I was so excited.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_05: I was like, mom, what should we name it?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_05: She looks at the dog and goes, Well, it's black.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_04: Let's name it Blackie.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_05: You can't name a black dog Blackie, Mom.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_05: That's racist.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_05: She goes, Oh, so funny, so funny.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_05: I racist, okay.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_05: You know you have black dad, right?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_05: So I live in Houston, Texas, in an all-white neighborhood, predominantly racist with a dog named Blackie.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_05: I didn't care.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_05: I was having the time of my life with the dog in the front yard.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_05: It's dinner time.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_05: My mom comes out and goes, Hey, Blackie, come home.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_05: Even the racist white people were like, God damn, that bitch is racist.