Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #248 Mind Your Manners

Transcript

#248 Mind Your Manners · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, I believe that the world would be such a nicer,
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Speaker 2: more peaceful place if we actually were more respectful of
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Speaker 2: one another.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mom
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Speaker 1: and Dad Good.
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Speaker 3: It's doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books about
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Speaker 3: raising happy families and the founder of happy Families dot
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Speaker 3: com dot A. I'm here with Kylie, my co host,
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Speaker 3: my wife Mum to our six daughters. Let's talk about
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Speaker 3: manners because we've had a question from someone saying, how
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Speaker 3: am I supposed to teach my kid's manners? My two
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Speaker 3: year old, my three year old, they've got such bad manners.
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Speaker 3: They scream and they shout, they throw their food. How
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Speaker 3: do we teach kids manners?
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Speaker 2: There is something so delightful about watching a two year
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Speaker 2: old say thank you well peace mom. And it can
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Speaker 2: be very challenging for families to deal with this, and
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Speaker 2: yet in so many ways it can be really, really easy.
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Speaker 3: So let's talk about why men are important. Because I
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Speaker 3: come across parents from time to time who say I
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Speaker 3: don't make my kids say please and thank you. I'm
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Speaker 3: not really that interested in teaching my kid's manners. I
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Speaker 3: think that they should just be who they want to be.
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Speaker 3: Purpose of manners, what springs to mind for you?
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Speaker 2: I think one of the most important things about manners
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Speaker 2: is it shows a respect for the other people that
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Speaker 2: are in our lives and our spaces. It's very easy
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Speaker 2: for us to become very self centered and see the
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Speaker 2: world through very narrow glasses.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I reckon manners. Not only demaners demonstrate gratitude, but
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Speaker 3: they also show a respect for the humanity in another person.
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Speaker 3: It's like, I'm considering you, I'm aware of you, I'm
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Speaker 3: being respectful of you. And when we teach our children manners,
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Speaker 3: what we actually do is we teach them to put
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Speaker 3: other people at ease. When you watch some of those
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Speaker 3: crazy talk shows on the Telly, there's no manners. There's
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Speaker 3: no respect for the other person. It's just I've got
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Speaker 3: to tell you what I think, blah, and how it
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Speaker 3: comes comes out horribly. The other thought that I had
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Speaker 3: about why manners are important is we're now talking about
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Speaker 3: on a national level, the importance of conversations around consent.
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Speaker 2: I think this is a really, really big one, and
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Speaker 2: I think one of the things that stands out to
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Speaker 2: me most about this is while we want to teach
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Speaker 2: our children to respect other people, and specifically as children
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Speaker 2: respect the adults in their world, one of the most
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Speaker 2: important things through this post process is that we don't
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Speaker 2: actually squash their voice. We don't stop them from having
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Speaker 2: a voice. You know, when you talk about consent, most
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Speaker 2: of these children who are in really just difficult situations
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Speaker 2: find that they don't they don't know how to use
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Speaker 2: their voice because they've been taught to, you know, respect
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Speaker 2: their elders, to do as they're told.
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Speaker 3: Well, so you're saying that they've been taught to have manners, I.
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Speaker 2: Don't think this is a manner's conversation, because you can
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Speaker 2: be respectful but still have an opinion. You can be
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Speaker 2: respectful and still say no. I don't want to do that.
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Speaker 3: I would even argue though, when we talk to our
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Speaker 3: kids about this topic, I explicitly tell them you don't
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Speaker 3: have to be polite when you're saying no to somebody
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Speaker 3: when it comes to issues of consent, when it comes
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Speaker 3: to issues of your body, when somebody's putting pressure on you.
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Speaker 3: I'm not interested in you having good maners and saying
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Speaker 3: to let's say that boy at that party, would you
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Speaker 3: please leave me alone? I don't feel good about this,
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Speaker 3: or I'm uncomfortable.
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Speaker 4: No, no, but this starts.
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Speaker 2: This starts way earlier than that, because if they can't
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Speaker 2: have those respectful conversations, no I don't want to play
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Speaker 2: with you right now, or no, I don't want to
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Speaker 2: share my toy with you.
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Speaker 4: Or whatever it is. As they get.
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Speaker 2: Older and they build into more difficult situations, they don't
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Speaker 2: actually know how to express that. I think we've got
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Speaker 2: to allow our children an opportunity to actually express what
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Speaker 2: they're feeling.
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Speaker 3: Why do you think that manners are important?
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Speaker 2: Like?
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Speaker 3: Why manners?
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Speaker 2: I believe that the world would be such a nicer,
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Speaker 2: more peaceful place if we actually were more respectful of
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Speaker 2: one another. The reality that we live in this space
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Speaker 2: of massive diversity, and the recognition that every one of
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Speaker 2: us has a right to be here and to do
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Speaker 2: life our way. If we could just be more respectful,
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Speaker 2: I think that the world would just be such a
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Speaker 2: better place.
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Speaker 3: Right, So, manas are about respect. I look at manners
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Speaker 3: as I'm considering you. I'm mindful that so I'm thinking
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Speaker 3: on a train, Right, You're get on a train and
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Speaker 3: some people have telephone conversations on trains or in public
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Speaker 3: places on speakerphone so that the whole world can hear
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Speaker 3: this conversation's going on. And it's just so I don't
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Speaker 3: know how to say, it's just so rude. I don't
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Speaker 3: care about what's going on in your world. Please don't
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Speaker 3: broadcast it to everyone in the train carriage, or in
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Speaker 3: the shopping center, or in whatever it is. There's a
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Speaker 3: lack of consideration of others. It's disrespectful, it's not good manners.
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Speaker 3: So I think aligned with your respect idea is this consideration.
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Speaker 3: It shows that we're not the only people on the planet.
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Speaker 3: We know it, and we're being considerate of others. That's
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Speaker 3: what maners are all about.
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Speaker 2: So let's come back after the break and we're going
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Speaker 2: to talk about what manners actually matter and how do
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Speaker 2: we teach them.
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Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast For.
5:08
Speaker 2: A happier family, Try a Happy Families membership, because a
5:12
Speaker 2: happy family doesn't just happen.
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Speaker 4: Details at happy families dot com dot au.
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Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast with the time
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Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers now, And today we
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Speaker 2: are talking man is. We've obviously talked about why man
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Speaker 2: is matter, this idea that we are a considerate of
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Speaker 2: other people around us, But what manners actually matter.
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Speaker 3: Well, I've put the lists together. I know that you've
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Speaker 3: been working on your own little list as well. I'm
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Speaker 3: going to start with table manners. I reckon. Once our
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Speaker 3: children are young, we want to teach them to learn
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Speaker 3: to use utensils, not fingers. I know that fingers were
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Speaker 3: invented before forks, but at some point the kids have
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Speaker 3: got to learn how to use their utensils, I reckon
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Speaker 3: somewhere around the age of three or four, we definitely
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Speaker 3: want them using at least a fork and hopefully a knife.
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Speaker 3: Fork in the left hand, knife in the right hand.
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Speaker 3: Let's actually correctly, and by the time they're about five,
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Speaker 3: most of the time most kids should be able to
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Speaker 3: manage it when we insist. Once they get a bit
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Speaker 3: older again, we can insist a little more. Next thing,
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Speaker 3: we've got to teach them that they do not wipe
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Speaker 3: their face on their clothes. That's what napkins and serviettes
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Speaker 3: are for. And can we just teach them to pass
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Speaker 3: things rather than reaching across Dad's plate and then dragging
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Speaker 3: their clothes through dad's food, you know, like their sleeve
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Speaker 3: and dropping the sauce on Dad's plate. Not that that's
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Speaker 3: ever happened to me. I don't want to sound like
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Speaker 3: I'm having a winch here.
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Speaker 2: Well, while we're at the dinner table, and we might
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Speaker 2: want to talk about bodily functions as well.
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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, hey, now, don't look at me there, I
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Speaker 3: am polite. I can't believe some of the sounds. I
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Speaker 3: didn't know girls could make, some of the sounds that
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Speaker 3: our daughters are demonstrated that they can make. That's una.
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Speaker 3: It's not very good manners that you're bringing that up
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Speaker 3: in this podcast. I don't think our daughters are going
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Speaker 3: to consent to that conversation. So what matters did you
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Speaker 3: have other than bodily functions being kept to oneself, which
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Speaker 3: was not on my lid.
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Speaker 2: Look, I think that gratitude, an opportunity to express thank
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Speaker 2: you is probably at the top of my list. This
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Speaker 2: changes the world gratitude?
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Speaker 3: Yep, what else?
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Speaker 2: Please?
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Speaker 3: Actually, I'm going to interrupt you interrupting there's one we
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Speaker 3: need to teach kids not to interrupt. Manners are very important.
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Speaker 3: Just before you go on with please, when it comes
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Speaker 3: to thank you, Teaching them to say thank you is
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Speaker 3: one thing, but also teaching them to write thank you
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Speaker 3: and give thank you notes, those kinds of things that
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Speaker 3: takes man as to a whole new level. And it's
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Speaker 3: never too young to start. Okay, back to you, please.
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Speaker 4: Please please please?
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Speaker 2: Can I please go on? Yes?
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Speaker 3: Please do.
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Speaker 1: So?
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Speaker 2: Asking permission for things? Oh yeah, this is a really
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Speaker 2: tricky one, especially in a big household.
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Speaker 4: There are lots of people.
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Speaker 2: Using the same things, and often we'll go into the
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Speaker 2: fridge to cook something for dinner and somebody's had a
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Speaker 2: snack on what was supposed to be tonight's dinner.
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Speaker 3: We have had so many eruptions in our family about people.
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Speaker 3: That was my chocolate, that was my yoga, that was
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Speaker 3: my ice cream, that was the kids buy their stuff,
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Speaker 3: they keep in the fridge and someone else takes it, so, oh.
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Speaker 4: Who wait, all the mashed potato from last night's dinner.
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Speaker 4: I was going to use that tonight.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interrupting is another one that's on my list.
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Speaker 3: I know we've just jokingly talked about it, but we've
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Speaker 3: got to teach our kids not to interrupt. It's just
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Speaker 3: agonizing when they do that and saying excuse me, Well.
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Speaker 2: I've got a good one, yep, knocking before you enter
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Speaker 2: a room.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, and this can be more and more important as.
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Speaker 3: The children get older or the later at night that
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Speaker 3: it is.
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Speaker 2: But yes, I think that that's a really important one.
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Speaker 2: And I think with that one in particular, it's very
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Speaker 2: easy for us as adults to just storm into our
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Speaker 2: children's rooms when we need them, yep, without actually being
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Speaker 2: respectful of their space as well. And so this is
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Speaker 2: a wonderful opportunity for us to actually model that behavior.
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Speaker 2: When we're going to go to their room with their doorshut,
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Speaker 2: we need to give them the respect and have.
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Speaker 4: A little knock.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, great one. What about reading over someone's shoulder?
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Speaker 4: Oh, I hate that Yep.
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Speaker 3: When I was younger, we went on a school excursion
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Speaker 3: to a place where there was going to be a
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Speaker 3: fairly wide array of people that we may not have
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Speaker 3: met or come across before in terms of ethnicity, race,
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Speaker 3: et cetera, et cetera. The teacher told us before we
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Speaker 3: got out of the bus, guys, you're going to see
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Speaker 3: people who are dressed in ways that you're not used
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Speaker 3: to seeing. You're going to see people who are not
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Speaker 3: representative of what you're used to seeing. It's really important
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Speaker 3: that you don't make comments about people's appearance, and teaching
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Speaker 3: children to do that even when they're with their friends.
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Speaker 3: You don't make comments about what people are wearing, how
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Speaker 3: their hair is, what their teeth look like, the size
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Speaker 3: of their bodies, the color of their skin. We want
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Speaker 3: to teach our children to have manners when it comes
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Speaker 3: to those kinds of things, anything else pop into your head.
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Speaker 2: You talking about that just reminded me of a story
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Speaker 2: when I was younger. I was doubling my little sister.
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Speaker 2: She was on the back of my bike. There was
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Speaker 2: a family of Africans walking down the road. Now, I
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Speaker 2: have never seen such a dark skin in my life,
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Speaker 2: and as we rode past them at full tilt, my
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Speaker 2: sister says.
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Speaker 4: Why are those people so black?
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Speaker 3: Yeah?
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Speaker 4: I was so mortified, But she.
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Speaker 3: Was just little and she didn't know. But it just
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Speaker 3: highlights why it's important we have those conversations. Highlighting to
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Speaker 3: somebody that they are different only exacerbates the difference. It
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Speaker 3: makes them feel more uncomfortable. Really really important. And by
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Speaker 3: the way, your sister, your family is Polynesian, You come
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Speaker 3: from a your mum has a Polynesian background. So it's
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Speaker 3: not like your family has the fairest of fair, fair skin,
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Speaker 3: you being a remarkable exception. And so isn't it ironic that,
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Speaker 3: even coming from a family of slightly darker skinned people,
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Speaker 3: your sister still noticed and made that comment unintentionally being
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Speaker 3: little because she hadn't been taught. I reckon. There's a
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Speaker 3: couple of others as well, just really good manners, like
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Speaker 3: when you go through a door, open it, hold it
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Speaker 3: open for other people. I reckon kids could learn that
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Speaker 3: offer to help, especially when you're at someone else's house.
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Speaker 3: Cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze for good,
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Speaker 3: or don't talk while you're eating, please keep it in
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Speaker 3: your mouth.
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Speaker 2: Slurping out of a straw.
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Speaker 3: I don't have a problem with it.
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Speaker 2: Oh I can't handle it.
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Speaker 3: You're going to tell me I'm not a lot to
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Speaker 3: lick the ball when I finish my ice cream too,
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Speaker 3: aren't you? You're so unfair.
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Speaker 2: I think that we need to have a lesson and manners.
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Speaker 3: Well, let's talk about how to teach them, because we
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Speaker 3: could go on with the list. I guess what this highlights, though,
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Speaker 3: is that all of these things every family is going
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Speaker 3: to see it differently. But all of these things are
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Speaker 3: the manners that we want our kids to internalize. We
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Speaker 3: want them to be respectful of others and to be
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Speaker 3: considerate of how other people want to function in the world,
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Speaker 3: so that they're not intruding on them. So how do
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Speaker 3: we teach these manners.
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Speaker 2: Well, first and foremost example, if we want our children
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Speaker 2: to be you know, expressions of gratitude, to respect individuals,
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Speaker 2: and you know, acknowledge that there are differences in the
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Speaker 2: world and that's okay, then it has to actually start here.
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Speaker 3: To keep their bodily functions to them. Sells at the
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Speaker 3: dinner table be an example, be an example. That's probably
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Speaker 3: the number one thing. In fact, if there's a take
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Speaker 3: home message, it's be an example of manners. If you
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Speaker 3: want the kids to have good manus, you've got to
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Speaker 3: have good manners. Don't interrupt if you don't want them
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Speaker 3: to interrupt, Speak softly if you want them to speak softly.
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Speaker 3: I've got another one. What about role plays and practicing
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Speaker 3: good manners, especially before you go somewhere.
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Speaker 2: I think it's a really important part of the process,
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Speaker 2: especially for our younger children. We need to set them
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Speaker 2: up for success and that they are going into new environments.
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Speaker 2: You know, like your teacher said, you're going to see
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Speaker 2: things that you haven't seen before. And it's okay, but
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Speaker 2: this is what we expect moving forward.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, So we call that process induction, where we teach
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Speaker 3: people what to do before they have to do it,
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Speaker 3: so that when it's time to do it, they do it. Well,
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Speaker 3: we can do that with our children, so.
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Speaker 2: You know, this opportunity to perspective take with our children
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Speaker 2: as well. You know, we're going to Nannie's house this afternoon,
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Speaker 2: and Nannie's got a lot going on on her plate,
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Speaker 2: or she's providing dinner for us. It'd be great if
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Speaker 2: we could actually be helpful to her at the other end.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, and she's got no teeth. Don't say anything about it. Yes,
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Speaker 3: I know she's got stinky.
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Speaker 4: Breath, but she's got hairy chin.
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Speaker 3: But we're not going to say anything at all about that,
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Speaker 3: are we. That that's it and the last thing I
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Speaker 3: thought of, So hang on. We've got be an example,
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Speaker 3: we've got role play and practice, we've got induction actually
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Speaker 3: explicitly teach, we've got perspective taking. And the last thing
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Speaker 3: is develop scripts actually teach the kids what to say
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Speaker 3: teach them how to say thank you, I appreciate that,
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Speaker 3: or may I help or excuse me? And give them
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Speaker 3: the scripts, give them the words. They're only little, they
13:39
Speaker 3: don't know what to say. That hopefully will help them
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Speaker 3: to learn the kinds of manners that we want them
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Speaker 3: to have, so that they can be considerate, respectful people
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Speaker 3: who put others at ease and make the world a
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Speaker 3: nicer place.
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Speaker 2: Well, thank you, doctor Coulson for our conversation today. It's
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Speaker 2: been a pleasure spending time with you.
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Speaker 3: A delight. Missus Coulson, thank you so much for contribute
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Speaker 3: so willingly and so helpfully to the conversation. Hey, we
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Speaker 3: really hope that you've enjoyed the discussion today about teaching
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Speaker 3: kids manners. We want to know what manners do you
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Speaker 3: wish you could teach your kids. Let us know. Podcasts
14:10
Speaker 3: at Happy families dot com dot au or you can
14:12
Speaker 3: find us on Facebook. Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families. The
14:15
Speaker 3: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland from Bridge Media,
14:19
Speaker 3: and we also appreciate the work of Craig Bruce, our
14:22
Speaker 3: executive producer. I want to make your family happier. You
14:25
Speaker 3: can get all the info you need about our Happy
14:26
Speaker 3: Families memberships at happy families dot com dot au