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5 Ways Narcissists Use Selective Memory to Deny the Harmed They Caused- God's input on this! · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: The casserole was still on the counter when Melissa's husband told her he had never yelled at her in front of their friends.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: She stared at him.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You called me an idiot because I forgot to buy ice.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: He shook his head.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't call you an idiot.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: She said, You did.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone heard you.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Melissa, I would never say that.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: She glanced at the empty casserole dish.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Their guests had left less than an hour ago.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: The mashed potatoes were still warm.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Her friend Karen had hugged her goodbye with the kind of expression usually reserved for someone whose car has just been towed.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remember exactly what you said, Melissa replied.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I remember you embarrassing me by making a scene.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: A scene?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I went into the kitchen and cried.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, he said.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You made everyone uncomfortable.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Melissa stood there holding a serving spoon, wondering how a conversation about his behavior had somehow ended with her on trial for the emotional distress caused by her tears.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: By the time she went to bed, she was asking herself, did he really say idiot?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Was it stupid?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Did I overreact?
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Should I apologize for crying?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, her husband was snoring peacefully beside her, apparently untroubled by the fact that his memory had just performed a disappearing act more impressive than a magician making an elephant vanish.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you have ever brought up something painful, only to be told it never happened, happened differently, or was actually your fault, you know how unsettling this can be.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Shannon Alder, author of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, and Life Coach, and I'm joined by my co-host, Pastor Jake O'Connell, a pastor and spiritual guide who brings a Christian perspective to healing from toxic relationships.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Today we're exploring five ways a person with narcissistic or controlling behavior may use selective memory to avoid accountability.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: We'll look at what research tells us about memory, why these conversations can make you doubt yourself, and how faith can help you hold on to truth.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And before we dive in, make sure to subscribe to the Toxic Relationship Podcast on YouTube so you never miss an episode.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: Wow, that story really captures the confusion so many people feel.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: I've sat with countless individuals in my pastoral counseling who describe almost word for word what Melissa experienced.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: They bring up a hurt, and suddenly they're the one on trial.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's heartbreaking.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: And Shannon, I'm so glad we're tackling this topic because it's one of the most insidious forms of manipulation and one of the hardest to prove.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: So let's dive in.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: What exactly is selective memory?
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Selective memory is an everyday phrase for remembering or emphasizing some parts of an experience while overlooking others.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: We all do this sometimes.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: You might remember the beautiful sunset on a family vacation, while your husband remembers the two hours he spent searching for the rental car keys.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Your children remember the hotel pool, while you remember paying$16 for a breakfast muffin that tasted like a kitchen sponge.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: People can sincerely remember the same event differently.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Human memory is not a perfect video recording, and being mistaken about a detail does not make someone a narcissist.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: The American Psychology Law Society notes that perception, memory, and social influences can shape what people remember.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: The concern arises when there is a repeated pattern.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: A person consistently dismisses your experience, avoids responsibility, and turns every conversation into evidence that you are the problem.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: That's such an important distinction.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_02: We can't always know whether someone truly forgot, remembers differently, or is deliberately denying what happened.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: But we can pay attention to what they do when you tell them you were hurt.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_02: Do they listen?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: Do they show concern?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_02: Are they willing to consider that their behavior affected you?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Or does the conversation turn into a courtroom where they are the judge, the jury, and their own very enthusiastic defense attorney?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: I think that's the key.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: The response to your pain reveals a lot.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: And that brings us to the first way.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: They remember your reaction, but forget what led to it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: You finally raise your voice after being interrupted, criticized, and talked over for 20 minutes.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: Immediately, the other person points at you as though they have just uncovered the crime of the century.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: There, see how angry you are?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Suddenly the discussion is no longer about what they said, it is about the moment you reacted.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you cried after being insulted, and they remember only that you were too emotional.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you walked away after being followed from room to room, and they remember only that you abandoned them.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you finally said, please stop, louder than you intended, and now you are apparently the household's most dangerous villain.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: Right, and to be clear, we are each responsible for our behavior, including how we respond when we are upset.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: If you yell, you can acknowledge that, but your reaction does not erase what happened before it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: A healthy conversation leaves room for both truths.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: I shouldn't have shouted, and I also need us to talk about the insults that came before it.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: A person avoiding accountability may prefer a much shorter version, you shouted.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_03: Case closed.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: Please send the apology to my office by Friday.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: Researchers use the term Darvo to describe a pattern in which someone denies harmful behavior, attacks the person raising the concern, and reverses the roles of victim and offender.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_03: A study by Sarah Harsey and Jennifer Freyd found that this kind of response can influence how observers judge the people involved.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_03: Darvo is a description of a pattern, not proof that a particular person is guilty or has a particular diagnosis.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So what can you say in that moment?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: You might try, I'm willing to take responsibility for raising my voice.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I also want to talk about what happened before that.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: If the conversation becomes a loop in which only your reaction is allowed to matter, you can stop participating.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: Say, we're not getting anywhere right now.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna take a break.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what God's word offers: judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: John chapter 7, verse 24.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus encourages careful, fair judgment, rather than stopping at appearances.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: You can ask God for wisdom to see the whole situation, including the part someone else would prefer to leave out.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's powerful.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_03: Now, the second way, they insist, that never happened.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: You bring up a painful incident, and the response is immediate.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: I never said that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's not what happened.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: You're imagining things.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: You're remembering it wrong.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes, of course, a person genuinely does not remember.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: We have all forgotten conversations, appointments, and the reason we walked into a room.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: But there is a difference between saying, I don't remember that, but I'm sorry you were hurt, and saying, I don't remember that, so you must be making it up.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_03: One response makes room for your experience.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: The other dismisses it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine you tell someone, last Christmas, you criticized me in front of everyone, and I cried on the way home.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: A caring person who remembers differently might say, I don't remember it that way, but I can see that it hurt you.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Can you tell me what you remember?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Someone avoiding responsibility may say, I never criticized you.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: You're just determined to make me the bad guy.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now your pain has been pushed aside, and you may feel pressured to defend your memory instead.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Research suggests that memory can sometimes be affected by how people want to see themselves.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: In one series of experiments, participants who had acted less generously than their own fairness standards later tended to remember their decisions as more generous than they were.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: That doesn't mean the study proves a partner who denies an argument has a distorted memory, or that they are consciously lying.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: It does show why confidence alone is not proof that someone's version of an event is accurate.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: So what can you say?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: You may remember it differently.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: I remember being hurt, and I need that to be taken seriously.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: You do not need the other person's permission to acknowledge your feelings.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_03: If a pattern leaves you confused, it may help to write down what happens soon afterward, including the date and details you remember.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: Do this for your own clarity, not as a requirement to prove you deserve respect.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Keep notes somewhere private and safe, especially if the other person monitors your devices.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_03: And here's a verse that brings comfort.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble, Psalm chapter 46, verse 1.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: When someone's certainty makes you doubt yourself, you can bring your confusion to God.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: You do not have to figure everything out in a single conversation.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now the third way, they remember the good things they did and use them to erase the hurt.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: You tell your partner that their repeated criticism has been painful, they respond.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: After everything I've done for you?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Then comes the list.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: I paid for our vacation, I fixed your car, I took you to dinner last month, I bought you flowers.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Before you know it, you are reviewing an itemized receipt of every kind thing they have done since the invention of the debit card.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: You may feel guilty because some of those things were generous.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps they have been supportive at times.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps they did bring you flowers when you were sick, but kindness on one occasion does not erase harm on another.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's so true.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: A person can take you to a beautiful dinner and still need to apologize for humiliating you in the car on the way home.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: A parent can provide for you and still need to acknowledge the pain caused by years of insults.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: A spouse can be hardworking and still be responsible for the way they speak to you.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: The good moments may be real.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: So are the painful ones.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: When someone has both loving and hurtful behavior, you may feel pressure to choose only one version of the relationship.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe it wasn't that bad.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: He helped me when I was sick.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe I'm ungrateful.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: She did so much for our family.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: But gratitude and honesty can exist together.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: You can appreciate what someone has done without accepting behavior that harms you.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: You might say, I appreciate the things you've done for me, I still need to talk about what happened, or the good things in our relationship matter to me.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: They don't make the hurtful behavior unimportant.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: You are not asking the person to erase every good thing they have ever done.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: You are asking them to address one thing they would rather skip.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: And Scripture connects love with truth.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Love rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: 1 Corinthians 13, verses 4-6.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: A loving conversation can acknowledge care and kindness while still making room for honesty about harm.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: That's a great balance.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: Now the fourth way.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: Oh come on, I was kidding.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_03: You can't take a joke.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone else thought it was funny.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's not my fault you're so sensitive.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: Perhaps they criticized your appearance in front of friends, shared something private at a family dinner, or made you the punchline of a story you had asked them not to tell.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: Then, when you say you were hurt, they remember the occasion as a harmless comedy show, and you as the difficult audience member who failed to appreciate their genius.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, people sometimes make jokes that land badly without intending to hurt anyone.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: A caring person can say, I thought I was being funny, but I'm sorry.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I won't joke about that again.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: The warning sign is when the joke continues after you have clearly explained that it hurts and your feelings become the next joke.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: There is a difference between laughing with someone and repeatedly making them pay the emotional price for your entertainment.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: So what can you say?
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: You may have meant it as a joke, but it hurt me.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: Please don't say that about me again.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: You do not need to prove that every person in the room found it offensive.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: You are allowed to say you do not want to be spoken about that way.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: If it happens again, your boundary might be, I've told you that joke hurts me.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: If it continues, I'm going to leave the conversation.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And Ephesians chapter 4, verse 29 says, Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: Words matter.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: Humor can bring people closer, especially when everyone gets to laugh.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: It does not need to come at the expense of someone's dignity.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_03: And yes, there is plenty of material available that does not involve humiliating your spouse.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: Have they seen what happens when someone tries to fold a fitted sheet?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_03: But seriously, the fifth way is perhaps the most confusing.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_03: They change the story until they become the injured person.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_03: You begin by saying, I was hurt when you called me names.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: They respond, I can't believe you think I'm that kind of person.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: You try again.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'm talking about what you said during the argument.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Now they look wounded.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm a terrible person?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: After everything I've done for you, this is how you see me.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_03: Five minutes later, you are comforting them.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't say you were terrible.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: I know you've been under stress.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry I brought it up the wrong way.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: Wait.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_03: What just happened?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: You arrived at the conversation carrying your hurt.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Somehow, you have left carrying their hurt, their stress, their disappointment, and possibly their dry cleaning.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: That's such a vivid description.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: This may happen through denial, blame shifting, or the reversal described by Darvo.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: The other person may focus so intensely on feeling accused that the original issue disappears.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: A person is allowed to feel upset when confronted, but feeling upset does not remove their responsibility to listen or make amends.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Research on Darvo has found an association between this kind of response and self-blame among people who confronted someone about harmful behavior.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: The research does not mean every defensive response is Darvo, or that every disagreement has an obvious villain.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: It does help explain why a repeated pattern of denial and reversal can leave someone feeling confused about who is responsible for what.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: So what can you say?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying you're a terrible person, I'm talking about a specific behavior that hurt me.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: If they continue to turn the conversation around, I understand that this is uncomfortable.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: I still need us to address what happened.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: And if nothing changes, I'm going to pause this conversation.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: We can try again when we're both willing to discuss the issue.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: You do not have to keep explaining until you have used every word in the English language, and several you made up under stress.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's right, and here's a verse for that moment.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: Psalm chapter 34, verse 18.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_03: God does not require you to hide your pain in order to comfort everyone else.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: You can bring him the hurt you have been trying so hard to explain.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: Now, a question many people ask: is it gaslighting or just a different memory?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: The word gaslighting is sometimes used for every disagreement.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_03: But not every memory difference is manipulation.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_03: People forget.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_03: People mishear.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_03: People can sincerely remember an event from different perspectives.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_03: Gaslighting involves a pattern of manipulation that causes someone to question their perception, memory, or sanity.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_03: A single disagreement does not automatically establish that pattern.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_03: What matters is the larger picture.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: So ask yourself: does this person regularly insist that upsetting events never happened?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Do they dismiss my feelings whenever I raise a concern?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: Do I leave conversations feeling confused and responsible for everything?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: Am I afraid to bring up problems because I know the discussion will be turned against me?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can they ever acknowledge harm without adding, but you?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Have their apologies led to changes over time?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do I feel free to talk with someone I trust about what is happening?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: These questions are not a diagnostic checklist.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: They are a way to pause and notice whether your relationship leaves room for honesty, safety, and mutual responsibility.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to prove that someone is a narcissist to decide that a pattern is hurting you.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: That's so freeing.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_03: When someone repeatedly questions your memory, you may start looking to them for the answer to every question.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: Was I too sensitive?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: Did that really happen?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_03: Am I allowed to feel hurt?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_03: But the person dismissing your experience may not be the best person to help you understand it.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: Prayer can give you space to step out of the argument and ask God for wisdom.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_03: James 1 verse 5.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: Seeking wisdom can include practical steps.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_03: You can pray and speak with a trusted friend, you can read scripture and meet with a licensed counselor, you can ask God for guidance, and take time to notice patterns before deciding what to do.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: In the Gospels, Jesus did not treat suffering people as inconvenient interruptions.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_03: He listened, showed compassion, and restored dignity.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: When the woman who had been suffering for twelve years reached out to touch his garment, Jesus stopped and spoke to her with tenderness, calling her, Daughter, your pain is not an inconvenience to God.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: You do not need to make it smaller to be worthy of his care.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: So let's walk through five gentle steps toward clarity.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: First, write down what you remember.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_01: If it is safe to do so, record the date, what was said or done, and how you felt.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: You can also note what happened when you later tried to discuss it.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: The purpose is not to build a case for every disagreement, it is to help you see patterns when conversations leave you confused.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: Second, stop arguing every detail.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: It is easy to get trapped debating whether the person used the word stupid or ridiculous when the larger issue is that you were insulted and dismissed.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: You might say, we may remember the exact words differently.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: I know the way I was spoken to hurt me, and I don't want it to happen again.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_03: Third, pay attention to behavior after the apology.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: A meaningful apology includes concern for the harm caused and a willingness to act differently.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_03: Nobody changes perfectly overnight, but repeated promises without effort or accountability can keep you waiting for a change that never arrives.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry you're upset is different from I shouldn't have said that.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_03: I understand why it hurt you, and I'm going to work on changing how I speak when I'm angry.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_03: Fourth, let trusted people help you see the pattern.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: Talk with someone who listens carefully and respects your choices, a trusted friend, a pastor, a licensed counselor, or an advocate.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_03: If you believe your phone or messages are being monitored, use a safer device or find a private way to seek support.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_03: Fifth, give yourself permission to set limits.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_03: A boundary may sound like, I'm not going to continue this conversation while I'm being insulted.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: Or, I've explained how I experienced that.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to step away now.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: If the person becomes threatening or you fear that setting a boundary could put you in danger, focus on getting support and planning for safety before confronting them.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: That's crucial.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Safety first.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: Now Melissa eventually stopped trying to win every argument about what had happened at the dinner party.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: That did not mean she suddenly had all the answers, it meant she began asking different questions.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of only asking, how do I make him admit it?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: She began asking, why am I expected to accept being spoken to this way?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Who can I talk to honestly?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_01: What do I need to feel safe and respected?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: Those questions gave her somewhere to begin.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: You may never receive the admission or apology you deserve.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_01: That is painful, especially when the person matters deeply to you.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: But their refusal to acknowledge your experience does not have to be the final word on your healing.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: You can seek truth without becoming trapped in an endless debate.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_01: You can acknowledge the good moments without ignoring the harmful ones.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: You can ask God for wisdom, reach for support, and take one step at a time.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_03: And the next time someone tries to convince you that an insult was actually a compliment, an argument was actually your fault, and a casserole was somehow the cause of the entire situation, remember, the casserole may have been a little dry.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_03: It was not responsible for anyone's behavior.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: Let's close with a prayer.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: Heavenly Father, when I feel confused and begin to doubt myself, help me slow down and seek your wisdom.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_03: Give me courage to acknowledge what hurts in discernment to recognize patterns that are unhealthy.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Help me speak truth with love, set boundaries when I need them, and reach out to people who will listen with compassion.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: Remind me that I do not have to carry responsibility for another person's choices.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: Please bring peace to my heart and guide me toward healing, one step at a time.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: In Jesus' name, Amen.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Pastor Jake, for your wisdom and compassion, and thank you to everyone listening.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: If this conversation resonated with you, please subscribe to the Toxic Relationship Podcast on YouTube.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: Just search for Shannon Alder on YouTube.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: Also, visit ShannonAlder.com and subscribe to Shannon's newsletter to receive 20% off her new book on narcissism coming in July 2027.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, you are not crazy.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_01: Your memories matter, your feelings matter, and with God's help, you can find your footing again.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, take care and be well.