Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 182: 3 Life-Changing Lessons About Guilt, Boundaries, and Authenticity with Tricia Corso

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182: 3 Life-Changing Lessons About Guilt, Boundaries, and Authenticity with Tricia Corso · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  MaryAnn Walker: well, hello and welcome back to Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker.
• 0:23
  MaryAnn Walker: I am your host, and I help women to break free of their people pleasing tendencies and just start living life on their own terms again, which is exactly why I have invited Tricia Corso here.
• 0:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Thank you so much for coming on, Tricia.
• 0:35
  Tricia Corso: Thanks so much for having me.
• 0:36
  Tricia Corso: I'm so excited to talk to you today.
• 0:39
  MaryAnn Walker: you today.
• 0:39
  MaryAnn Walker: Oh, I'm excited too.
• 0:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, so Tricia and I have been mutuals on social media for quite some time now, and I just love her work.
• 0:46
  MaryAnn Walker: She totally resonated.
• 0:47
  MaryAnn Walker: I think we have very similar audiences, so if you like my stuff, you'll like her stuff and vice versa.
• 0:53
  MaryAnn Walker: But she has had a really unique life experience that I thought all of us would benefit from just hearing about.
• 0:59
  MaryAnn Walker: So, Tricia, would you mind telling us a little bit about you?
• 1:02
  Tricia Corso: of course.
• 1:03
  Tricia Corso: Um, yeah, so.
• 1:05
  Tricia Corso: My name's Trisha Corso.
• 1:06
  Tricia Corso: I am a licensed clinical social worker and a lifestyle coach.
• 1:11
  Tricia Corso: I currently live in Denver, Colorado, but I'm originally from New York, which is all part of my story that you'll hear about.
• 1:18
  Tricia Corso: And yeah, I've, been a therapist for about 10 years and.
• 1:23
  Tricia Corso: Been coaching for a couple of years now.
• 1:25
  Tricia Corso: That's been a new thing for me.
• 1:27
  Tricia Corso: But yeah, similarly to what you said, I work with ambitious women to define success on their own terms and build a life that reflects it.
• 1:35
  Tricia Corso: So it's a lot of just working with women in finding their truth, their voice, what their real desires are, and giving them permission to finally get after it.
• 1:46
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 1:47
  MaryAnn Walker: And I'm assuming from what I know about you, that it's your story that kind of led you to work with that group of women.
• 1:54
  MaryAnn Walker: Would you say that that's true, or how did you find yourself working with this group?
• 1:58
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 1:59
  Tricia Corso: Um, it is part of that, which took me some time to figure that out of, you know, why I felt so passionate or driven to help this specific, niche or, woman experiencing these certain things.
• 2:11
  Tricia Corso: But basically.
• 2:13
  Tricia Corso: Yeah, I felt like, I did all the things I was supposed to do.
• 2:16
  Tricia Corso: Checked all the boxes.
• 2:18
  Tricia Corso: Went to college, got my master's, graduated with my master's, applied to jobs.
• 2:23
  Tricia Corso: I was living in New York at the time.
• 2:25
  Tricia Corso: Um.
• 2:26
  Tricia Corso: Um, and something just like didn't feel right.
• 2:29
  Tricia Corso: I was like, I did all the things I was supposed to do, but why am I feeling off or I'm not feeling as fulfilled or as happy as I thought I would at this point.
• 2:37
  Tricia Corso: 'cause I'm like, now it's kind of open-ended on what I'm supposed to do with my life.
• 2:41
  Tricia Corso: And that just made me think a lot more of where I was living.
• 2:47
  Tricia Corso: I love New York, but it was not like the lifestyle necessarily that I am drawn to.
• 2:54
  Tricia Corso: And I had a friend from college move to Colorado and I had visited her a couple of times and I was like, wow, this place is beautiful.
• 3:04
  Tricia Corso: So much nature.
• 3:05
  Tricia Corso: It was slower paced, it wasn't as expensive.
• 3:09
  Tricia Corso: So a lot of things where I was like, okay, this might be something that I'm feeling called to go after.
• 3:16
  Tricia Corso: And so I applied to jobs in Colorado as well and ended up getting a job offer there and accepted that because I was able to like live independently, have that connection to nature, that's super important to me.
• 3:31
  Tricia Corso: Not be as fast paced or stressed.
• 3:33
  Tricia Corso: Like I li I lived in the city and I felt like I was like constantly anxious of like, am I gonna make this subway?
• 3:42
  Tricia Corso: Why is this person walking so slow?
• 3:44
  Tricia Corso: I gotta get to the, this place by this time.
• 3:46
  Tricia Corso: And it was, I just felt tense while I was there.
• 3:49
  Tricia Corso: So I needed to slow down and I recognize that.
• 3:52
  Tricia Corso: So yeah, I want to help women do more of that.
• 3:57
  Tricia Corso: 'cause it's hard work.
• 3:59
  Tricia Corso: You have to fight through a lot of different beliefs or, you know, patterns or things that might be holding you back.
• 4:07
  MaryAnn Walker: I think so many people are gonna relate to that feeling of, well, I did everything I was supposed to,
• 4:11
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 4:12
  MaryAnn Walker: the boxes, I'm still not happy.
• 4:15
  MaryAnn Walker: And I, think it's interesting, and I just wanna really put a spotlight on it, that you had some signs internally that, okay, well something's not quite right.
• 4:23
  MaryAnn Walker: Like when you look on paper, I've checked all the boxes.
• 4:27
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm supposed to be happy
• 4:29
  Tricia Corso: Yep.
• 4:30
  MaryAnn Walker: but that you started to recognize for yourself, I'm feeling anxious and maybe what I need is different than what boxes I have checked on paper.
• 4:40
  MaryAnn Walker: And I'm curious for you, when it comes to the supposed tos and the shoulds who wrote your list, because it's different for everybody, right?
• 4:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Whose rule book were you following?
• 4:48
  Tricia Corso: such a good question because a lot of the work that I do with, um, my clients is like, whose voice are you listening to right now?
• 4:57
  Tricia Corso: Who is actually speaking?
• 4:58
  Tricia Corso: Is it you or is it someone else who taught you that or somewhere?
• 5:02
  Tricia Corso: And you learn this from like, is it actually you, do you actually believe what you're telling yourself right now?
• 5:07
  Tricia Corso: So, yeah, it wasn't my voice that was telling me these things.
• 5:12
  Tricia Corso: I think, you know, I'm a very motivated, passionate, goal-oriented person.
• 5:16
  Tricia Corso: I don't think that has changed.
• 5:18
  Tricia Corso: So I knew I wanted to do all the things up until that point.
• 5:22
  Tricia Corso: I wanted to go to college, I wanted to get my master's, I wanted to do these things, and I was like really excited about it.
• 5:29
  Tricia Corso: It was just at the end it was like.
• 5:33
  Tricia Corso: Okay, now I'm supposed to like find a job and the jobs that I was getting offered or, that I was being exposed to.
• 5:39
  Tricia Corso: I was like, this does not excite me.
• 5:42
  Tricia Corso: This is not something that makes me feel good.
• 5:44
  Tricia Corso: But I was like, but I'm supposed to stay in New York.
• 5:47
  Tricia Corso: That's where my family is.
• 5:48
  Tricia Corso: That's where my friends are.
• 5:49
  Tricia Corso: That's where my life is.
• 5:50
  Tricia Corso: So, okay, maybe I'm just supposed to do this and maybe if I take this job, it'll feel better or things will get better, and all of that.
• 5:58
  Tricia Corso: And I mean, I really had to pay attention to myself'cause I am typically a person that like I can like get through things, push through, which is also similar to my clients of push through, get stuff done, do what you gotta do and you're gonna figure it out and you're gonna be fine.
• 6:15
  Tricia Corso: And I was low energy, not motivated.
• 6:19
  Tricia Corso: I was really not feeling good, which was like very unlike me.
• 6:22
  Tricia Corso: So I really knew something was off.
• 6:25
  Tricia Corso: And that's sort of again, what made me get curious of like, okay, but like maybe this isn't what I want to do.
• 6:31
  Tricia Corso: So again, I like allowed myself to just expand it a little bit further of like, I'm just gonna apply to jobs in Colorado and see what happens.
• 6:37
  Tricia Corso: Like what, what harm is, do it, like what's gonna happen if I do that.
• 6:42
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, thank you so much for sharing.
• 6:43
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 6:43
  MaryAnn Walker: 'cause it's interesting to kind of identify, okay, who am I putting in charge of my decision making right now?
• 6:48
  MaryAnn Walker: Because sometimes it's.
• 6:49
  MaryAnn Walker: You know, faith, community, parents, friends just the local culture, like we just give so much weight to what other people, you know.
• 6:56
  MaryAnn Walker: I said, well, all my friends are here, so of course I should stay here.
• 7:00
  MaryAnn Walker: So I'm really curious because I work with, you know, a lot of the people pleasers.
• 7:04
  MaryAnn Walker: How was it for you when you told them that, Hey, I'm actually feeling led to go somewhere else,
• 7:10
  Tricia Corso: Yeah.
• 7:11
  Tricia Corso: So, I grew up in an Irish Italian household.
• 7:15
  Tricia Corso: Family is like number one.
• 7:17
  Tricia Corso: We are very close.
• 7:18
  Tricia Corso: No one left, like the tri-state area.
• 7:22
  Tricia Corso: Everyone extended is all kind of there.
• 7:25
  Tricia Corso: So.
• 7:27
  Tricia Corso: I would say it was harder to tell family versus friends, family, you know, I think that is what a big block was for me.
• 7:36
  Tricia Corso: I was like, I don't wanna upset them.
• 7:38
  Tricia Corso: I don't wanna disappoint my people pleasing stuff.
• 7:40
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 7:40
  Tricia Corso: Of like, I don't wanna disappoint them.
• 7:43
  Tricia Corso: I don't want.
• 7:45
  Tricia Corso: I don't want their feelings to be hurt.
• 7:47
  Tricia Corso: I felt a lot of guilt of how am I gonna leave them?
• 7:53
  Tricia Corso: What if something hap, you know, all the things that go on in your brain.
• 7:57
  Tricia Corso: So at first, I would say it took time for them to be on board with this.
• 8:04
  Tricia Corso: Ultimately, you know.
• 8:07
  Tricia Corso: At the end of the day, my family wants me to be happy and they want me to do what makes me feel happy and they're gonna support that.
• 8:13
  Tricia Corso: So I'm really lucky in that regard.
• 8:15
  Tricia Corso: But it's not to say that there were multiple conversations and lots of time, like even after moving, right, that it was still happening where they had to address and get used to the change as well as me.
• 8:29
  Tricia Corso: But that they, it was like allowing the discomfort of like, yeah, this isn't gonna feel good for them.
• 8:37
  Tricia Corso: It's probably gonna be mixed emotions for me because it's scary to move and pick up and go to a completely new place.
• 8:43
  Tricia Corso: But they were.
• 8:46
  Tricia Corso: You know, weren't the most excited about it, but ultimately I think it was, I will support you if this is what you want to do.
• 8:56
  Tricia Corso: And also, just so you know, I'm really upset that you're leaving, so, yeah.
• 9:01
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, well, I think so many people are gonna be resonating with that, even if they aren't going to be moving across the country.
• 9:07
  MaryAnn Walker: I think a lot of people are at a time in their lives where they're thinking, I've checked all the boxes and something just isn't right and something's gotta give and I don't wanna upset anybody.
• 9:17
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't wanna rock the boat, but I need to start actually living.
• 9:22
  MaryAnn Walker: I can't just keep going through the motions and, and like you said, feeling anxious, feeling low energy.
• 9:28
  MaryAnn Walker: I think that those are some very common signs that something's gotta change.
• 9:31
  MaryAnn Walker: Like your baseline shouldn't be clear down here, right?
• 9:33
  MaryAnn Walker: Like we gotta kind of bring it up a bit and, find that joy.
• 9:38
  MaryAnn Walker: And I love that you were able to create that for yourself.
• 9:41
  MaryAnn Walker: And I know that you had thought ahead on this and we've kind of talked about this conversation and that you have three lessons that you've really learned through your experience, and I am just so excited for that.
• 9:51
  MaryAnn Walker: So let's just jump on in.
• 9:52
  MaryAnn Walker: What's the first lesson that you'd like to share with listeners?
• 9:55
  Tricia Corso: I kind of mentioned it a little bit of just like the guilt part of it.
• 9:58
  Tricia Corso: I think guilt comes up so much for people.
• 10:02
  Tricia Corso: Who are people pleasers for?
• 10:04
  Tricia Corso: People who are like, have the perfectionist tendencies, the people who are constantly thinking about other people before themselves of working through the guilt or pushing through it in the sense of I'm not gonna not do this thing so that I don't feel guilty.
• 10:21
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 10:21
  Tricia Corso: I'm still gonna do the thing even though I feel guilty doing it.
• 10:25
  Tricia Corso: And that's again, that part of being able to not allow it to totally overwhelm or cloud your voice or your judgment or your decisions of.
• 10:39
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 10:40
  Tricia Corso: I'm like accept, like I'm gonna feel guilty.
• 10:42
  Tricia Corso: I'm not here to be like, Nope.
• 10:44
  Tricia Corso: Like if you just do the thing, you're not gonna feel guilty if you just make the decision or do the thing that you wanna do for yourself.
• 10:49
  Tricia Corso: Guilt won't come up.
• 10:50
  Tricia Corso: No, it's going to, it's just being able to recognize like, I'm not gonna let it overpower, overtake my choices, my voice, my decisions, my truth, and kind of talk yourself through it in that sense of.
• 11:05
  Tricia Corso: Okay.
• 11:06
  Tricia Corso: Yeah, I feel guilty.
• 11:07
  Tricia Corso: And also I am actually living a more aligned life and that feels really good for me.
• 11:13
  Tricia Corso: And how can I let go of some of that guilt?
• 11:16
  Tricia Corso: I think, I mean for me it was moving across the country, right?
• 11:21
  Tricia Corso: So it was, how am I gonna spend or plan time with my family?
• 11:26
  Tricia Corso: How often am I gonna communicate with?Like sort of like if I'm not gonna see them as much, like maybe I need to be more intentional with my time with them so I'm like less guilty.
• 11:36
  Tricia Corso: 'cause I'm like, oh, I have these plans coming up with them so I don't need to feel as guilty but just, and I'm, I'm trying to think of other examples of, I don't know.
• 11:46
  Tricia Corso: Maybe you are someone who you want to go back to school for something else, or you wanna change your career, but you're feeling guilty.
• 11:54
  Tricia Corso: 'cause you're like, well, if I do that, then my partner's gonna have to maybe take on more of this load, or things are gonna have to change at home because my work schedule is gonna be different or this or that.
• 12:04
  Tricia Corso: So like, rather than even try, think about the disruption or how guilty I'm gonna feel towards.
• 12:10
  Tricia Corso: Disrupting another person's life.
• 12:12
  Tricia Corso: I'm not even gonna think about doing it, but it's being able to say, I'm gonna feel guilty, except that you're gonna feel guilty, but then do something about it versus allow it to take over.
• 12:24
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that.
• 12:25
  MaryAnn Walker: So the note that I'm making for myself is be a disruptor in the name of authenticity.
• 12:30
  Tricia Corso: Oh my gosh, yes.
• 12:31
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 12:32
  MaryAnn Walker: because as you were talking, I think too many of us assume that if we feel guilty, it means we're doing something wrong.
• 12:40
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 12:40
  Tricia Corso: Uhhuh.
• 12:42
  MaryAnn Walker: And you just saying no, you're gonna feel guilty and it's okay.
• 12:46
  MaryAnn Walker: Because you've probably been conditioned to not rock the boat to make sure that nobody else experiences a negative emotion.
• 12:51
  MaryAnn Walker: But meanwhile, you're not feeling a lot of positive emotions right now.
• 12:55
  MaryAnn Walker: And, so that is such a mind flip to think that I'm going to feel guilty and it doesn't mean I'm doing anything wrong.
• 13:03
  MaryAnn Walker: In fact, it can mean that I'm living a more aligned life.
• 13:06
  Tricia Corso: Yep.
• 13:07
  MaryAnn Walker: Because too many people I think, think if I feel guilty, it means I'm out of alignment, because me to be in alignment means I don't make anybody upset, right?
• 13:15
  Tricia Corso: Yeah, and I think you saying, I mean, disruption and authenticity are, they're all, they're all intertwined with all of these things, but that, it's a matter of doing the work of I can trust myself, I can rely on myself.
• 13:31
  Tricia Corso: I, I feel confident in who I am in that this choice is really important to me and I feel that I like, recognize that within myself.
• 13:38
  Tricia Corso: And coming back to that too, right.
• 13:40
  Tricia Corso: Of.
• 13:42
  Tricia Corso: You know, we can still mess up and do things and maybe there is guilt there, but we can also resolve that right of, we can apologize, we can address it, we can figure it out.
• 13:52
  Tricia Corso: But it's more about the guilt related to like, if you're just being you and listening to yourself and being honest with yourself and making choices aligned to that.
• 14:03
  Tricia Corso: Like why, why are we holding onto that guilt?
• 14:05
  Tricia Corso: Because what's wrong with doing that?
• 14:08
  Tricia Corso: You know?
• 14:08
  Tricia Corso: Why is that a bad thing?
• 14:10
  Tricia Corso: Which goes back to all the beliefs, specifically women believe.
• 14:14
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 14:14
  Tricia Corso: Of, I think, which is another thing, another lesson down the road that I see.
• 14:19
  Tricia Corso: They're all, they're all connected.
• 14:22
  MaryAnn Walker: they are all interconnected.
• 14:23
  MaryAnn Walker: But I love what you're saying here about how really there's no reason to feel guilty for living in a way that brings you joy, is what it comes down to like, like knowing that Okay, the guilt is just my conditioning.
• 14:34
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 14:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Really, there's no reason to feel guilty acknowledging that this isn't working for me and this will feel so much better for me, for my nervous system.
• 14:44
  MaryAnn Walker: It's, it's what's gonna bring me joy right now, and that that's okay.
• 14:47
  MaryAnn Walker: It's okay to accept the things that actually bring you joy rather than shrinking yourself so that other people don't experience the negative emotion, right?
• 14:55
  MaryAnn Walker: Like missing you.
• 14:56
  MaryAnn Walker: Which really, that's always a funny one because I think, well, don't you want people to miss you?
• 15:00
  MaryAnn Walker: Isn't that a good thing?
• 15:02
  Tricia Corso: And if someone misses you, they also want you to be happy.
• 15:05
  Tricia Corso: They want you to do what feels good for you.
• 15:07
  Tricia Corso: If someone really feels or cares about you in that way, they're not gonna be like, no, stay small so that you don't feel guilty about upsetting me.
• 15:16
  Tricia Corso: They're not gonna like, they genuinely do not want that.
• 15:19
  Tricia Corso: Of course they're gonna miss you, and that's a really lovely thing.
• 15:22
  Tricia Corso: But ultimately they do want you to be happy.
• 15:25
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 15:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 15:27
  MaryAnn Walker: That is such a beautiful segue into number two.
• 15:29
  MaryAnn Walker: You gave me a sneak peek so I already know what's coming, so yeah.
• 15:31
  MaryAnn Walker: So tell us your number two.
• 15:33
  Tricia Corso: Um, so yes, I recognized how my people pleasing was keeping me small.
• 15:40
  Tricia Corso: And that was something that.
• 15:42
  Tricia Corso: I had to like actively and intentionally start to shift for myself, where recognizing how pleasing others was abandoning myself, right, was abandoning what I wanted for me, what, what was important to me, what my values were, which might be different from other people around me, and that being okay.
• 16:04
  Tricia Corso: But that.
• 16:06
  Tricia Corso: When I'm people pleasing, right?
• 16:08
  Tricia Corso: Or when I'm trying to take care of everyone else, or I'm trying to make decisions based off of other people or other people's feelings, I'm being inauthentic, people pleasing is a form of in inauthenticity, right?
• 16:21
  Tricia Corso: Because we are not showing up as our true selves when we are responding or acting in accordance to other people and.
• 16:31
  Tricia Corso: I kind of, in my example, right of staying small would've been staying in New York, taking this job.
• 16:39
  Tricia Corso: I wasn't excited about probably being financially stressed, not really feeling very independent or actually enjoy my life, living in a concrete jungle of not being in nature and all of that.
• 16:52
  Tricia Corso: Where that wasn't, what was gonna make me happy.
• 16:55
  Tricia Corso: And if I am not paying attention to those cues or things and staying small, I'm not gonna feel fulfilled and it is gonna impact my relationships.
• 17:07
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 17:08
  Tricia Corso: So I think something that comes up a lot is people people please to try to like.
• 17:13
  Tricia Corso: To keep the peace and to, to make sure people are okay and to try to keep relationships good or like, kind of like even keel or whatever it is.
• 17:25
  Tricia Corso: But it's actually not authentic relationships.
• 17:27
  Tricia Corso: So when you stop doing that, you actually have like deeper, more meaningful connections with yourself, but also the people again that want to be around you and love you, right?
• 17:40
  Tricia Corso: And there is difficulty because you might lose some people in that battle.
• 17:44
  Tricia Corso: Where when you start, like not people pleasing as much or maybe setting more boundaries or, or doing things for you, there might be some people that aren't okay with that.
• 17:55
  Tricia Corso: And that can be hard and scary for people, but in my opinion, it's worth it to live a more authentic life.
• 18:03
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 18:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, that was very beautifully said.
• 18:06
  MaryAnn Walker: I was taking notes the whole time you were talking because that was that that had so many little gems in it.
• 18:11
  MaryAnn Walker: But I appreciated you saying that people pleasing was keeping you small because it was forcing you to self abandon.
• 18:20
  MaryAnn Walker: Because when you're prioritizing other people's values, you're not prioritizing your own.
• 18:24
  MaryAnn Walker: Which means now you're not living authentically.
• 18:27
  MaryAnn Walker: And I thought it was interesting too.
• 18:28
  MaryAnn Walker: I so many people I work with, and I'm sure it's the same for you, but they're craving to have depth in relationship.
• 18:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Like they want these kind of juicy conversations.
• 18:37
  MaryAnn Walker: They love it
• 18:38
  Tricia Corso: Yeah.
• 18:38
  MaryAnn Walker: and they have a hard time getting it.
• 18:40
  MaryAnn Walker: And I think that you totally nailed it with, yeah, we think that we're going to be getting that depth through people pleasing and prioritizing other people's wants and wishes.
• 18:48
  MaryAnn Walker: But the real depth comes through living authentically and letting yourself be seen.
• 18:53
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 18:54
  Tricia Corso: Yeah.
• 18:55
  Tricia Corso: Vulnerability.
• 18:57
  Tricia Corso: That's another one that is often really hard, to really embrace.
• 19:04
  Tricia Corso: And part of being vulnerable is like being honest and open and authentic to the people around you, expressing yourself, communicating how you're feeling, telling them if they bothered you in some way or did something that upset you.
• 19:18
  Tricia Corso: And.
• 19:20
  Tricia Corso: The people that are meant to be there are gonna show up for you and are gonna love you, and you're gonna feel so much, it's gonna be hard, like these aren't easy things, like these are hard things to do and they might be hard conversations or hard like actions to take, but ultimately when you do it, it's gonna feel so much better.
• 19:37
  Tricia Corso: It really is.
• 19:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:40
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 19:40
  MaryAnn Walker: And I like how you touched on, yeah, some people might leave
• 19:43
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 19:44
  MaryAnn Walker: and I think that that's what keeps us in that people pleasing mode is right, but they can't leave.
• 19:48
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't want them to abandon me, so then we abandon self.
• 19:51
  MaryAnn Walker: But like reminding yourself that, okay, they might leave me, maybe they will, maybe they won't, but I'm gonna stop leaving myself behind.
• 19:58
  MaryAnn Walker: I'm gonna stop self abandoning and live for me.
• 20:03
  Tricia Corso: Yeah.
• 20:03
  Tricia Corso: And why are we gonna put energy into someone and not ourselves?
• 20:07
  Tricia Corso: Right?
• 20:08
  Tricia Corso: If it is someone that is gonna leave or not show up for you in the way that you need to show up, that you want someone to show up for you or that it's not like reciprocated.
• 20:16
  Tricia Corso: 'cause often the people pleasers are the ones that are showing up for friends and are being really present and are really trying to help or nurture take care, of who, you know, their friends, family, whoever it is.
• 20:29
  Tricia Corso: And.
• 20:30
  Tricia Corso: It's important that that's reciprocated.
• 20:32
  Tricia Corso: And if you start dialing it back because you're putting more energy into yourself or you're being more cognizant of how you wanna spend your time or your ener what it is that you wanna do, and then that person's like, what the heck?
• 20:45
  Tricia Corso: Then it is worth probably reevaluating that relationship, but that you're then going to have more authentic, deep, meaningful relationships with yourself and the people that you do both choose right to be around.
• 21:02
  MaryAnn Walker: So true.
• 21:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Yep.
• 21:02
  MaryAnn Walker: That was very well said.
• 21:04
  MaryAnn Walker: Yep.
• 21:05
  MaryAnn Walker: I love it.
• 21:06
  MaryAnn Walker: I have no notes on all that.
• 21:07
  MaryAnn Walker: That was beautiful.
• 21:09
  MaryAnn Walker: So what's the third lesson that you learned through this experience?
• 21:13
  Tricia Corso: So I think something underneath all these things that we've been talking about has just been these unspoken agreements, beliefs that specifically women, I think, or taught are they learn them, hear them all over the place of, from society, from culture, from family of, you know, what we're supposed to do or what we should do or how a woman is supposed to show up or act or be.
• 21:42
  Tricia Corso: And.
• 21:44
  Tricia Corso: For me, like, and similar to what we've talked to before, of whose voice are you listening to?
• 21:49
  Tricia Corso: Right?
• 21:49
  Tricia Corso: Is it the shoulds and supposed tos, or you know, is it social media?
• 21:53
  Tricia Corso: Is it, well, if you're not married and have kids by this age, something's wrong with you.
• 21:59
  Tricia Corso: Right?
• 21:59
  Tricia Corso: Like, where are we getting all of this from?
• 22:01
  Tricia Corso: Like, and is it my voice or is it other people's?
• 22:04
  Tricia Corso: And actually deciphering and making that distinction between the two, right?
• 22:08
  Tricia Corso: So that work is hard because you're unlearning things that no longer serve you or actually are important or significant or things that you value, and then relearning the things that.
• 22:22
  Tricia Corso: You do think are important and do think that you value.
• 22:25
  Tricia Corso: So for me, I'm basically the only one in my family that ever left the tri-state area, so that was a big disruption and that was a big deal.
• 22:36
  Tricia Corso: Everyone else.
• 22:38
  Tricia Corso: And, you know, that's what they want to do.
• 22:39
  Tricia Corso: But it's, everyone else was like, I grew up here, my family's here, I stay here.
• 22:44
  Tricia Corso: That's, that's it, that's what I do.
• 22:45
  Tricia Corso: But that didn't feel right for me.
• 22:47
  Tricia Corso: That didn't feel like something I wanted to do.
• 22:49
  Tricia Corso: So how all of that plays into all of these things?
• 22:53
  Tricia Corso: I think, you know, when we talk about people pleasing and we talk about guilt and we talk about, you know, these roles that we play.
• 23:01
  Tricia Corso: I think women have a lot of hats that we feel like we have to wear.
• 23:05
  Tricia Corso: I always think of the Barbie movie, the big speech of we're supposed to do, like women are supposed to be this and that, and this and that.
• 23:13
  Tricia Corso: And you're supposed, we're supposed to be, you know, we're supposed to be loud, not too loud, like all of these things that.
• 23:20
  Tricia Corso: It feels impossible at times of how we're, how are we supposed to maintain and keep up with all of those things at the same time?
• 23:26
  Tricia Corso: I don't, I, I, it's, it is very impossible, but we try, like, we try because we think that, that we're, that's what we're supposed to do, but it's really like, well, what do I actually want?
• 23:35
  Tricia Corso: Like, what do I actually want if I try to quiet all of that, quiet, all the external noise, quiet all the external.
• 23:42
  Tricia Corso: Voices of what I've been hearing for my whole life, and like actually take a moment to be like, well, what's important to me?
• 23:47
  Tricia Corso: What are my values?
• 23:49
  Tricia Corso: And then acting from that place, that is key and is still key for me to this day.
• 23:56
  Tricia Corso: I think all of these things I have to constantly be reminding myself of these lessons that I've learned.
• 24:00
  Tricia Corso: It's a, it's a constant work in progress, but this one in particular, is, you know, I'm 35 not married.
• 24:08
  Tricia Corso: I don't have kids.
• 24:09
  Tricia Corso: I'm living on my own and I'm living away from my family.
• 24:13
  Tricia Corso: And I have to think, you know, I have to constantly remind myself, like I said, of just, okay, but this is like, this is you living a fulfilled, aligned life because this is where you're at and this is where you wanna be.
• 24:26
  Tricia Corso: And sometimes those things creep in, but I, I push'em away.
• 24:31
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 24:31
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, I love that.
• 24:33
  MaryAnn Walker: 'cause one of the questions I was gonna ask you was how to identify your own voice when you've been listening to other people's, but then you explained that beautifully that no, it really just means looking at your own values.
• 24:42
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 24:43
  MaryAnn Walker: I think once your eyes get opened up to, okay, what is it I'm valuing right now?
• 24:47
  MaryAnn Walker: And do my actions match what I actually value.
• 24:50
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, okay, right now, am I really valuing what it is that I need?
• 24:53
  MaryAnn Walker: Or am I just valuing somebody else's comfort level right
• 24:56
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 24:57
  MaryAnn Walker: But being honest about, okay, what am I actually valuing right now?
• 25:01
  MaryAnn Walker: And do I actually value it?
• 25:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Or is that something I inherited or something that I just have assumed is an expectation, but getting clear on on those values is so powerful and helps you to identify your voice when you've been conditioned to only listen to everybody else's voice.
• 25:18
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 25:18
  Tricia Corso: That's like a, a big chunk of work that I do with my clients is what are, like, we gotta figure out, we gotta start from somewhere.
• 25:25
  Tricia Corso: We gotta figure out what your values are.
• 25:27
  Tricia Corso: And like you said, making choices, actions in alignment with those things, seeing how that feels for you and being able to come back to yourself.
• 25:34
  Tricia Corso: Right, because I think something that comes up that I've seen a lot with women and also myself at some point throughout the process, right?
• 25:41
  Tricia Corso: Is that sense of self.
• 25:43
  Tricia Corso: It can be really cloudy you're like, who am I without describing like all of the roles that you play.
• 25:51
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 25:51
  Tricia Corso: And I think for women, it's like I'm a therapist, I'm a daughter, I'm a sister, I'm a friend.
• 25:57
  Tricia Corso: You know, I, or for people being like, I'm a mom, I'm a teach, whatever it is.
• 26:02
  Tricia Corso: But like that being their identity.
• 26:04
  Tricia Corso: But it's like, no, we can go even deeper of.
• 26:07
  Tricia Corso: What do you actually value as an individual?
• 26:09
  Tricia Corso: Take all of your roles away from you.
• 26:12
  Tricia Corso: What is it that's actually important to you?
• 26:15
  Tricia Corso: And giving yourself space to think and ask those questions.
• 26:19
  Tricia Corso: Because for so long it's just been like, well, if this is my role, this is how I'm supposed to act.
• 26:26
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, exactly.
• 26:26
  MaryAnn Walker: And I think that this kind of ties in beautifully with what you talked about as we opened this episode, which, which is that you're gonna be uncomfortable either way, right?
• 26:34
  MaryAnn Walker: We think, but if I go do something for myself, I'm gonna feel guilty.
• 26:38
  MaryAnn Walker: It's like, okay, but right now you're feeling unfulfilled, you're feeling inauthentic, you're feeling resentful because you're not doing what it is that you wanna do.
• 26:46
  MaryAnn Walker: So do you wanna feel those feelings?
• 26:48
  MaryAnn Walker: Or do you wanna feel a little bit uncomfortable as you try something new and try something that's more in alignment with who you are and what you value?
• 26:57
  MaryAnn Walker: That?
• 26:57
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 26:57
  MaryAnn Walker: You've, you've been uncomfortable.
• 26:58
  MaryAnn Walker: You already know what it is like to be uncomfortable.
• 27:01
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 27:02
  MaryAnn Walker: There's another kind of discomfort that can actually be quite healing for you.
• 27:07
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 27:08
  Tricia Corso: It, I, I think, for sure a big take takeaway is like, this is uncomfortable work, right?
• 27:13
  Tricia Corso: I say to clients all the time, like, this is the hard work.
• 27:16
  Tricia Corso: The easy option is for you to keep on going as you're going, and just like maintaining status quo, not disrupted, like that's the easy way to go about it because.
• 27:27
  Tricia Corso: You're, you are staying small and like, yeah, maybe you're not as happy as fulfilled or whatever it is, but you're not disrupting things and like you're not having the discomfort.
• 27:36
  Tricia Corso: Right.
• 27:36
  Tricia Corso: And that's easier, um, quotes.
• 27:41
  Tricia Corso: But in the long run, this is the work that's it's hard work.
• 27:46
  Tricia Corso: And in the long run, this is.
• 27:48
  Tricia Corso: Typically where people wanna be of, okay, I need to do this work so that long term I do feel more fulfilled, or I do feel more aligned, or I do feel happy, and things shift and change, right?
• 27:59
  Tricia Corso: I, I tell everyone, just'cause these are your values now doesn't mean that these are your values forever.
• 28:04
  Tricia Corso: And these are the things that you constantly have to, it's fi two years from now, your values could be different, but it's just a matter of like, you're actually asking yourself these questions and giving yourself space to ask yourself these questions because.
• 28:18
  Tricia Corso: You are going to have to cause disruption.
• 28:21
  Tricia Corso: There's no way around that.
• 28:23
  Tricia Corso: And when we're talking about people pleasers and women and nurturers and caretakers and perfectionists, that is such a hard thing to overcome of like, what do you, what do you, what do you mean I gotta disrupting?
• 28:37
  Tricia Corso: Can I just like do everything and everyone still is happy or feels really, it's like, unfortunately, it's just not the reality.
• 28:46
  MaryAnn Walker: So true.
• 28:47
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah, and I don't know if it's similar for you, but I know in my practice sometimes I'll work with women and they're like, well, I'm just not feeling super fulfilled and I don't even know why.
• 28:54
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 28:55
  MaryAnn Walker: Like they've never actually questioned what do I value?
• 28:58
  MaryAnn Walker: What do I want?
• 28:59
  MaryAnn Walker: And, and they don't recognize yet that that's why they're not feeling fulfilled, that there's something more that they can just make these tiny tweaks, like speaking up when they want something or advocating for themselves and that that can reignite that fire.
• 29:14
  MaryAnn Walker: But it just takes a little bit of, of nudging,
• 29:17
  Tricia Corso: Yes.
• 29:18
  Tricia Corso: Yeah, I, small steps is always key to, you know, you can't, to, to try to make these, and I, I think sometimes that can really, um.
• 29:30
  Tricia Corso: May discourage people in doing it.
• 29:31
  Tricia Corso: 'cause they're like, well this just feels like really big and overwhelming and like, I don't, like, I don't think I could just automatically make this shift.
• 29:39
  Tricia Corso: And it's like, what if we just take it slow and see like, let's try this.
• 29:43
  Tricia Corso: Let's try that.
• 29:44
  Tricia Corso: Let's put these things into practice.
• 29:45
  Tricia Corso: See how that feels.
• 29:47
  Tricia Corso: And we're only gonna reinforce things that feel good for you.
• 29:50
  Tricia Corso: If things don't feel good for you, you don't do it right.
• 29:53
  Tricia Corso: And, and allowing yourself to figure out what those things are and actually have awareness of that.
• 29:58
  Tricia Corso: I think also it's a, it's a matter of.
• 30:02
  Tricia Corso: Sometimes there's, when you're saying, I don't really know why I don't feel fulfilled sometimes it's just like that self-awareness of actually paying attention day to day, being like, how do I feel in this moment?
• 30:15
  Tricia Corso: How do I feel in this situation?
• 30:17
  Tricia Corso: What's coming up for me there to be like, oh.
• 30:20
  Tricia Corso: This is the area that I'm not feeling good in because I'm actually paying attention and like giving myself the time to think about that of this is why I'm not feeling good.
• 30:30
  Tricia Corso: Um, and then being able to work with it from there.
• 30:33
  Tricia Corso: I think often it's just we're not giving ourselves the time to actually think about what's wrong.
• 30:39
  MaryAnn Walker: So true, which I think that that's where, you know, coaching and therapy can be so valuable is maybe that's your first step is just booking a call.
• 30:47
  MaryAnn Walker: With me or Tricia and saying, Hey, I just, I don't know where to look.
• 30:51
  MaryAnn Walker: I don't know what's going on.
• 30:53
  MaryAnn Walker: And just to dedicate space, you setting the intention to create space for you, for you to self-reflect, you know, free from anybody that's going to tell you more shoulds, oh, well I have all of the answers for you, right?
• 31:05
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, no, no, no.
• 31:06
  MaryAnn Walker: Like, you need somebody that's just gonna ask you what's your answer?
• 31:10
  MaryAnn Walker: What do you want?
• 31:11
  MaryAnn Walker: And, and just making one call can make such a huge difference for people.
• 31:17
  Tricia Corso: Yeah, I think that, I mean, it's the first step to it all right?
• 31:20
  Tricia Corso: Of being like, I deserve to stop being small.
• 31:24
  Tricia Corso: I deserve to take up space.
• 31:25
  Tricia Corso: I deserve this, this 30 minute whatever hour phone call to be able to just talk through something.
• 31:32
  Tricia Corso: And it's just that one step, right?
• 31:34
  Tricia Corso: Of.
• 31:35
  Tricia Corso: And then being like, how was that?
• 31:36
  Tricia Corso: Did that feel good?
• 31:37
  Tricia Corso: Did not feel good.
• 31:38
  Tricia Corso: Am I ready for this?
• 31:39
  Tricia Corso: Am I not?
• 31:39
  Tricia Corso: But it is a matter of it.
• 31:43
  Tricia Corso: There needs to be action right to these things.
• 31:48
  Tricia Corso: Otherwise you are gonna keep replaying or constantly, like you're just gonna stay in that, stuck in that gray in that I'm, you know, I'm gonna keep thinking about the same thing over and over again.
• 32:00
  Tricia Corso: I'm gonna not do anything about it.
• 32:01
  Tricia Corso: Um.
• 32:03
  Tricia Corso: You can stay stuck there.
• 32:04
  Tricia Corso: Things still might shift, but you know, I, I think it can be really hard.
• 32:09
  Tricia Corso: I know in my experience, I needed support.
• 32:12
  Tricia Corso: I needed other people, like I've been, you know, whether it's therapy, coaching, whatever it is, I've needed that to help me to stay accountable, to have guidance, to have support, because I can just, I can get stuck in my head very easily.
• 32:27
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 32:29
  MaryAnn Walker: Like all of us.
• 32:30
  MaryAnn Walker: Huh?
• 32:31
  Tricia Corso: Yep.
• 32:32
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 32:32
  MaryAnn Walker: So I'm just gonna recap the three lessons that Tricia has shared.
• 32:36
  MaryAnn Walker: And I tacked a fourth one on the end because you talked quite a bit about it and I just felt like it needed to be there.
• 32:41
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, so the three lessons are learning how to just navigate and let go of guilt, and as you work to come closer to yourself, acknowledging that guilt will be there and I can live authentically.
• 32:53
  MaryAnn Walker: And then you also talked about realizing how people pleasing really does keep us small.
• 32:57
  MaryAnn Walker: To just be aware that that is a form of self abandonment.
• 33:00
  MaryAnn Walker: So of course you're not feeling fulfilled.
• 33:02
  MaryAnn Walker: Um, and then intentionally breaking free of the unspoken agreements, recognizing that, okay, well this isn't actually in alignment with my value system and I want something different.
• 33:13
  MaryAnn Walker: And then the one I'm kind of pairing with that is just I take one small step towards self-advocacy, like be brave enough to, to just give voice to what it is that you want.
• 33:24
  MaryAnn Walker: So as we wrap up here, Trisha, I'm wondering like what would you like our listeners main takeaway to be from this call?
• 33:32
  Tricia Corso: Hmm.
• 33:39
  Tricia Corso: I.
• 33:40
  Tricia Corso: I think what's kind of underneath all of this, when we kind of really just draw it back is, is really just, I am me.
• 33:51
  Tricia Corso: I'm giving it MaryAnn's, giving it, and for you to give yourself permission to take up space and what, and that sort of be the guiding line here of I don't need to stay small.
• 34:05
  Tricia Corso: What is it that I need to do to take, you deserve to take up space.
• 34:08
  Tricia Corso: You deserve to live a life that's on your terms.
• 34:11
  Tricia Corso: You deserve to live a life that feels good for you and feels fulfilling for you, and you staying small isn't gonna get you there.
• 34:18
  Tricia Corso: So I think it's, it's allowing yourself, because of all the things that we just talked about, of all of the beliefs or thoughts or feelings that will keep you small, right?
• 34:28
  Tricia Corso: Or keep you in this place of, I don't deserve.
• 34:31
  Tricia Corso: Or it's, I can't disrupt, I can't, I have to, I have to keep the peace, whatever it is.
• 34:37
  Tricia Corso: But just that knowing you deserve to take up space, period.
• 34:42
  Tricia Corso: There's, there's, doesn't need to be anything else attached to it, but just that you having time and space for yourself to figure out what feels good for you and actually doing something about it.
• 34:54
  Tricia Corso: I mean, that's, we all deserve that.
• 34:58
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 34:59
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that.
• 34:59
  MaryAnn Walker: Giving yourself permission to take up space and just stop playing small.
• 35:03
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 35:03
  MaryAnn Walker: think some of us, it's, it's easy to slide into that as the default setting, right?
• 35:07
  MaryAnn Walker: To make yourself smaller so you don't cause those ripples.
• 35:10
  MaryAnn Walker: But giving yourself that permission to take up space, to have wants and needs and be human
• 35:16
  Tricia Corso: Mm-hmm.
• 35:18
  MaryAnn Walker: to can make such a huge difference.
• 35:20
  MaryAnn Walker: Hmm.
• 35:21
  MaryAnn Walker: That was very good.
• 35:22
  Tricia Corso: Yeah.
• 35:23
  Tricia Corso: I, I, it's one of the things too, I'm sure this comes up for you too, right, of just what would, what would you tell a really good friend of yours?
• 35:31
  Tricia Corso: Would you be like, no, you should stay small.
• 35:33
  Tricia Corso: You shouldn't, you should not follow what you want or your goals, or what your dreams are.
• 35:37
  Tricia Corso: You should just like stay small and don't, don't do that.
• 35:40
  Tricia Corso: No, you would never say that to your friend.
• 35:42
  Tricia Corso: So why are we saying that to ourselves?
• 35:44
  MaryAnn Walker: So true, right?
• 35:45
  MaryAnn Walker: How many of us we like give our friends the best advice, but we never give it to ourselves.
• 35:49
  MaryAnn Walker: We're some, for some reason the exception, no, but for me, I need to stay small, but everybody else can live large and I'll cheer'em on.
• 35:57
  Tricia Corso: right.
• 35:58
  Tricia Corso: I'll be their biggest cheerleader, but I'll just be over here.
• 36:01
  Tricia Corso: I, I'll be in the corner.
• 36:03
  Tricia Corso: It's like, no, you deserve that too.
• 36:05
  Tricia Corso: And the people that love you want that for you also.
• 36:08
  MaryAnn Walker: I love that.
• 36:09
  MaryAnn Walker: Be your own friend.
• 36:10
  MaryAnn Walker: Be your own cheerleader.
• 36:12
  MaryAnn Walker: Yeah.
• 36:12
  MaryAnn Walker: That's beautiful.
• 36:13
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, this has been such an amazing conversation, Tricia, and I know that people are gonna wanna continue the conversation.
• 36:19
  MaryAnn Walker: So how can people find you?
• 36:21
  Tricia Corso: Um, yeah.
• 36:22
  Tricia Corso: So on Instagram, um, my handle is at among wildflowers therapy.
• 36:28
  Tricia Corso: Um, and then also I have a website among wildflowers.
• 36:32
  Tricia Corso: Among wildflowers therapy.com.
• 36:34
  Tricia Corso: Um, so people can find me either of those spots.
• 36:38
  Tricia Corso: Um, if you want to book a call, you can just go to my website and there's a spot for you to just book a call there.
• 36:46
  Tricia Corso: And also, I'm, if, uh, if anyone wants to book a call, I'm going to offer too.
• 36:53
  Tricia Corso: If you just mention that you, uh.
• 36:57
  Tricia Corso: Listen to the podcast or heard me on the podcast, uh, we can book a free clarity call so we could focus on like one thing that you're really feeling stuck or confused about and just kind of work through it together just to give you a little taste of what that would be like for you.
• 37:10
  Tricia Corso: Um, so yeah, there's a few ways to get in touch with me.
• 37:15
  MaryAnn Walker: That is awesome.
• 37:15
  MaryAnn Walker: Thank you so much for offering that to the audience.
• 37:18
  MaryAnn Walker: I think that that's, that's a very generous offer, so thank you so much and I'll be sure to put all of Trisha's contact information in the show notes.
• 37:24
  MaryAnn Walker: You can go and follow her on Instagram, go book a free clarity call.
• 37:28
  MaryAnn Walker: And yeah, thank you so much for being here, Tricia.
• 37:30
  Tricia Corso: Thank you so much for having me.
• 37:32
  Tricia Corso: This was such a great conversation.
• 37:34
  MaryAnn Walker: Right.
• 37:35
  MaryAnn Walker: Well, have a great week everybody.
• 37:36
  MaryAnn Walker: I'll see you next time.
• 37:37
  MaryAnn Walker: Bye now.
• 37:37
  Tricia Corso: Bye.