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Ep. 188 | Is a Period of Separation Ok for a Struggling Marriage · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  And it really helped me. I really repented. I was like, man, I am not taking this nearly seriously enough. Hey, guys, welcome to the 5-Minute Fatherhood Podcast. I'm your co-host, Jeff Bethke, along with my friend and mentor, Jeremy Pryor. Join us Monday through Friday as we chat about quick tips, skills, and ways to help equip you on your journey as a father to build your multi-generational family team on mission. Stay tuned.
• 0:31
  What's up, guys? Jeff and Jeremy here. Another episode of Five Minute Fatherhood. We have a, what I would call a tougher question on this week's podcast. And that is, is a period of separation okay for a struggling marriage? Or we got asked this actually. So this is a real life question, by the way, too. We're not pulling this from thin air. This is from our Facebook group. A guy in the group said, can we support a period of separation from a marriage that is really struggling? Now, I'm interested to hear Jeremy's thoughts.
• 0:54
  I think I'll start with a couple of qualifiers. I think first we have to realize that, man, this is such a deeply complex issue that you have to descend into the particulars. I think this is a real tough conversation and almost unhelpful or unnecessary at the 30,000 foot level. Now, of course, the scripture does have a 30,000 foot level value system that'll impose down on us. Any Christian ethical question that's really tough, then you have to descend that into the particulars.
• 1:21
  which is a phrase I think I've heard from the Jesuits, which I love that phrase, descending into the particulars. And you have to, you have to, because if you only stay up there, then sometimes it can be kind of more like a club that isn't helpful in one way or the other. And then one other nuance I would say too is...
• 1:36
  Yeah, I just know stories all across the board that, you know, first of all, I would say, like the one I would say too is separation for any type of abuse, you know, verbal, emotional, and certainly domestic and physical is like necessary, right? Like there is no calling, in my opinion, there is no theological implication for you to stay in that, right?
• 1:58
  for your soul to just kind of be corroded and abused. That's not, there's judgment on that man. And I think that doesn't mean that can play out a bunch of different ways. But I do think getting out of that situation is first. And then two, I would say, I also though have heard of a million different situations across the board where I've heard of a separation of,
• 2:17
  that not because of abuse or anything, but there just was really, really helpful because, and another way to put it is like, yeah, their soul was almost being corroded by like the toxicness of the relationship and the, the, the, the communication problems and the, just, it was so bad that it was like corroding the imageness of each person. But then, uh,
• 2:36
  You know, but I also, and that then sadly, you know, might've led to divorce, even though that's not God's ideal and design. But I also know another story of, you know, a couple, I think that was separated for like 15 years. That's insane. But she had a commitment of like, I'm not going to divorce, right? It's okay to separate, but I'm going to pray for the redemption of my husband. I'm going to pray for him to come back home and I'm going to pray for healing. And that took a decade and a half. And she leaned into that because she understood, I think, the vision of scripture for covenant.
• 3:03
  And so there's so many particulars is what I'm saying. And I think you really have to rest on that. But Jeremy, there is an overarching point, I think, that's really helpful we have to keep in mind, which is general sin, general hardship, that's kind of different than the things I just said. And how do we keep that in mind?
• 3:18
  Yeah, so you guys, it's obviously really, really difficult to, like Jeff's saying, overgeneralize, but I think that we know that God hates divorce. We know that God wants us to build these teams. We know how destructive divorce is. And so oftentimes, if a couple is trying to
• 3:39
  And as a way of doing that, they lean into a period of separation. In order to heal the marriage, then I think there's a lot of positiveness to that, right? So it is good to do that before you've completely given up all hope and are heading straight towards divorce. So I think that that's when I'm personally in favor of a period of separation is when it's done to heal and done to try to... Yeah.
• 4:05
  It's for a purpose.
• 4:24
  And what I told him is, hey, you have a really specific job when your friends have a struggling marriage. And we know what that job is biblically, and that is our job is to fight for the covenants, not to fight for either individual. We're fighting for the covenant. We're trying to help make sure the family can heal and not just stay together to stay together, but really pursue healing so that that covenant can be maintained lifelong. So when you think about—and I say this a lot when I'm doing a wedding—is that when you look at—
• 4:54
  in a wedding party, all those bridesmaids and all those groomsmen, and you're like, why are they up there? They're not there to help you have awesome pictures, right? They're standing for your covenant. Their job is that they're saying, we're listening to you guys make these vows. We're close enough to hear them because we're all the way up here on the stage.
• 5:15
  I'm hearing every word that comes out of your mouth. I heard it come out of her mouth. I heard it come out of his mouth. Okay, they made a promise. We're going to, us, you know, five groomsmen and five bridesmaids, we're going to spend the rest of our life fighting to help you maintain that covenant. That's why you have bridesmaids, and that's why you have groomsmen up there. And then the entire audience also is witnessing...
• 5:34
  the covenant being made. And so we're all saying as a community and as friends and as family, we're all going to fight for the rest of our lives or the rest of your life for this covenant and help you maintain this covenant. And so that's your job all the time is to fight for the covenant. Like Jeff said, there are clear times where
• 5:50
  someone's using that to abuse their spouse, and that's horrible. And then in that situation, it's an exception where you have to step in and really help that spouse in that situation. But I think in general, our job is to try to find whatever tools, including separation for seasons, where there's clear rules and boundaries during the period. And like Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, if there's a season where there's a separation, you need to also set a date for when you're going to come back together.
• 6:17
  So those are all really important guidelines for making sure that this doesn't lead down the path to divorce. And as long as we're all fighting for the covenant together, and we all understand that that is our mandate, is to fight for the covenant, because they made that promise before God, and God's going to hold them accountable. And we want to see their family thrive. We want to see them find that way to get back together. And so a lot of times our friends need us to fight for their covenant. I was actually in a situation once...
• 6:42
  where the marriage looked totally hopeless and there was a period of separation. And honestly, I was in a fairly immature season of my life and I had given up hope and I was just kind of consoling my friend with the rest of his friends. But then there was a mature couple that were older than I was, much more mature than I was spiritually, and they actually waded in and fought for the covenant. And after several months, the couple got back together, reconciled, and it was beautiful what happened.
• 7:10
  But it was super embarrassing for me and those of us who were kind of consoling him and not fighting for his covenant. And it really helped me. I really repented. I was like, man, I am not taking this nearly seriously enough. Thank God for that older couple who really saw the biblical truth that needed to happen, and they saved that family. And so I think you don't know what's going to happen. Don't give up hope for couples that are struggling. Fight for their covenant. That's your job.
• 7:38
  Hey guys, one of our favorite places to hang out on is the family team's Instagram. That is where you will find tips, quotes, tricks, and a bunch of other conversational things to help you build your family team on mission. If you're on Instagram and you want to get encouragement as you do this and build your family team, just head over to Instagram and follow us at family teams.