Latest / Rock My Finances / The Seven Money Wounds Series: The Shame Wound – Why You Feel Like You're Bad With Money

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The Seven Money Wounds Series: The Shame Wound – Why You Feel Like You're Bad With Money · Rock My Finances

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  Speaker 1: Investment advisory and financial planning services are offered through Simplicity
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  Speaker 1: Wealth LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor. SEC registration does
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  Speaker 1: provided as a general information that is not intended to
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  Speaker 1: be specific financial guidance. Before you make any decisions regarding
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  Speaker 1: your personal financial situation, you should consult a financial or
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  Speaker 1: tax professional to discuss your individual circumstances and objectives.
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  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Rock My Finances show on K4HD Radio
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  Speaker 2: and Talk4TV, where we put the fun in finance. Join
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  Speaker 2: powerhouse Jennifer Jost, CDFA, CMC, and private wealth advisor, as
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  Speaker 2: she collaborates with you to create clarity, control, and confidence
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  Speaker 2: with your money, your way. It's not about the zeros,
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  Speaker 2: so what is it all about? Let's find out. Now,
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  Speaker 2: here's your host and weekly friend, Jennifer Jost.
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  Speaker 1: Welcome back y'all to rock my finances. I just love
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  Speaker 1: this podcast. I'm having such a good time. Thank you
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  Speaker 1: so much for showing up, downloading, sharing all that great
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  Speaker 1: stuff that you do. And I really hope this is
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  Speaker 1: helping you. Okay. This is a great series. The seven
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  Speaker 1: money wounds. Okay. This is so good. And we're going
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  Speaker 1: to be talking about wound number two, the fruit first
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  Speaker 1: wound that we already talked about. Gosh, what was it?
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  Speaker 1: Let me, let me think. Let me think. Let me think.
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  Speaker 1: Scarcity was our first wound. Okay. This is our second one.
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  Speaker 1: So make sure to go back and watch all seven episodes.
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  Speaker 1: So this one is the shame wound. Why you feel
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  Speaker 1: like you're bad with money. If you've ever caught yourself saying,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just terrible with money, or I know nothing, or
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  Speaker 1: I just don't even like it. So I stay away
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  Speaker 1: from it. Maybe you've accumulated some debt even, or maybe
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  Speaker 1: you actually made an investment that didn't work out. Maybe
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  Speaker 1: you filed for bankruptcy even. spent more than you should
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  Speaker 1: have at a certain time in your life, or avoided
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  Speaker 1: your finances altogether. I call that the ostrich. They pull
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  Speaker 1: the blanket over their head. They're not even going to
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  Speaker 1: look at it. They'd open up their statements. They have
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  Speaker 1: maybe old 401ks all over the place, and they have
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  Speaker 1: no idea where they're at. They have no idea how
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  Speaker 1: much they're spending, how much they're bringing in, how much
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  Speaker 1: they're saving. They're just kind of willy-nilly in it all
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  Speaker 1: because they don't want to look at anything. Maybe you've
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  Speaker 1: looked at your accounts and you immediately feel embarrassed or guilty,
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  Speaker 1: or you just feel ashamed that you don't have enough.
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  Speaker 1: If you've ever felt that way, I want you to
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  Speaker 1: know you are absolutely not alone. Today, we're talking about
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  Speaker 1: the second money moon, shame. Shame is one of the
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  Speaker 1: heaviest emotions we can carry because it doesn't just tell
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  Speaker 1: us we've made a mistake. It actually tells us we
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  Speaker 1: are the mistake. This is a huge difference between guilt
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  Speaker 1: and shame. Guilt says I made a poor financial decision.
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  Speaker 1: Shame says I am bad with money. Guilt focuses on behavior,
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  Speaker 1: which we know we can all change. But shame attacks
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  Speaker 1: our identity, attacks who we are. It attacks us as
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  Speaker 1: a person. That difference really does matter because when we
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  Speaker 1: believe something is wrong with who we are, we often
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  Speaker 1: stop believing that we can do anything about it or
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  Speaker 1: that we can actually change it or fix it. So
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  Speaker 1: we actually give up before we've even started. So where
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  Speaker 1: does financial shame come from? For many people, it's taught
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  Speaker 1: in childhood. Many of our parents constantly criticized our spending.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe they fought about money and then they blamed each other.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe you were compared to a sibling and considered more responsible.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe you even heard comments like, you'll never be good
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  Speaker 1: with money or money just slips through your fingers. Children
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  Speaker 1: believe that repeatedly told, especially by people they love, they
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  Speaker 1: believe it. So It could even be comparing you to
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  Speaker 1: your sibling about sports or grades. And we attach that
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  Speaker 1: to money. So we feel that if our sibling is
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  Speaker 1: better at us at one thing, that they're better at
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  Speaker 1: us and everything. And then we just start feeling shame.
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  Speaker 1: So for others, shame develops later in life. It may
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  Speaker 1: come after a divorce or foreclosure or maybe losing a
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  Speaker 1: business or filing for bankruptcy, maybe even creating overwhelming debt.
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  Speaker 1: and then taking years to get out of debt, or
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  Speaker 1: maybe still in debt today. Maybe making a bad investment
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  Speaker 1: that didn't really work out. It could be buying a
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  Speaker 1: house that we had to foreclose in the good old 2008, 9,
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  Speaker 1: and 10 issues. One painful experience becomes the lens at
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  Speaker 1: which you see yourself. Instead of saying, ah, I made
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  Speaker 1: a huge mistake. I shouldn't have bought that house at
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  Speaker 1: the high of the market and then lost it in 2010.
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  Speaker 1: Instead of putting facts to it and stating that I
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  Speaker 1: just made a mistake. It's, I'm a total failure. I
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  Speaker 1: made the stupidest choice. I bought a house at the highest.
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  Speaker 1: I lost it. I am just really no good at
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  Speaker 1: picking real estate, no good at money. Like turn it
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  Speaker 1: inwards of I am a failure. The problem with shame
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  Speaker 1: is that it keeps us stuck. So we can't get
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  Speaker 1: out of it. We have to heal it, look at
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  Speaker 1: it and get rid of it in order to move on.
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  Speaker 1: And then shame gets insidious, right? Like it starts growing
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  Speaker 1: and it attaches to other areas of our lives. So
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  Speaker 1: think about it. If you truly believe you are bad
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  Speaker 1: with money, would you be excited to look at your
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  Speaker 1: bank account? Would you be excited to talk to an advisor? No,
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  Speaker 1: probably not, right? Would you want to even meet anybody
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  Speaker 1: new in your life and talk about money? Probably not.
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  Speaker 1: Would you enjoy creating a spending plan like I have
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  Speaker 1: my clients do or a money story or reviewing your
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  Speaker 1: investments Probably not. So shame causes us to avoid the
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  Speaker 1: very things that could help us heal. So shame causes
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  Speaker 1: us to keep silent, isolated, and quiet. And for me
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  Speaker 1: as a money coach or a financial advisor, I need conversation.
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  Speaker 1: I need to get to know you and your situation. Well,
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  Speaker 1: shame normally is going to hold you back from me.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a lot of times that I'll be, um,
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  Speaker 1: meeting people at an event or my speaking event or something.
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  Speaker 1: And then I'll have a couple of people just, they
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  Speaker 1: ask maybe a couple of questions and they steer away.
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  Speaker 1: I know that shame's holding them back from really showing
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  Speaker 1: who they are to me because they're feeling so ashamed,
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  Speaker 1: which is so sad because I know I can help them, right?
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  Speaker 1: So shame causes us to avoid everything. We don't open
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  Speaker 1: our bills. We maybe ignore credit card statements. We avoid
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  Speaker 1: checking our retirement accounts. We avoid maybe even investing into
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  Speaker 1: retirement accounts. We put off asking for help because we're
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  Speaker 1: so afraid of judgment, embarrassment. It's just going to create
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  Speaker 1: more shame. And this shame could be creating depression and anxiety.
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  Speaker 1: And the longer we avoid it, the more overwhelming it becomes.
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  Speaker 1: I've worked with many people over the years, and I
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  Speaker 1: can tell you this. The people who build financial confidence
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  Speaker 1: aren't the ones who never make mistakes. I can tell
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  Speaker 1: you that from experience. Most of us always make mistakes
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  Speaker 1: like it's a thing, right? They're the ones who stop
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  Speaker 1: allowing their mistakes to define them. That's how you build confidence.
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  Speaker 1: And that's how you build awareness and heal the past.
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  Speaker 1: Every successful investor has experienced losses. I promise you. Every
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  Speaker 1: successful person with their financial world has made mistakes. I
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  Speaker 1: promise you. I've never met anyone that has not made mistakes.
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  Speaker 1: So we can just take that off the table. Every
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  Speaker 1: successful business owner has made bad decisions. I can attest
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  Speaker 1: to that too. I've owned several businesses and yes, not
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  Speaker 1: all my decisions are right on point. Sometimes they go
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  Speaker 1: around the tree to get to the bush to finally
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  Speaker 1: figure out what I need to do. Like there's always
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  Speaker 1: a roadmap to it and that's okay. Bad decisions are
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  Speaker 1: not shameful. Making mistakes is just one step closer to
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  Speaker 1: the right way. Every financial successful person has made purchases
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  Speaker 1: that they wish they hadn't, that they wish they wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: have bought that or trusted that person or did that
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  Speaker 1: or jumped in too much, too fast, too quick. Like
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  Speaker 1: there's always, always things that we should have, would have, couldn't.
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  Speaker 1: The difference and the key that I've learned from all
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  Speaker 1: these experiences, instead of building an identity around the mistakes
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  Speaker 1: and the bad choices, the one most powerful tool you
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  Speaker 1: can ever do is understand that it's not our identity.
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  Speaker 1: It was just a short-lived experience, period. It's an experience
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  Speaker 1: instead of an identity. I hope that makes sense. One
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  Speaker 1: of the most powerful financial tools that you'll ever have
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  Speaker 1: is not necessarily an investment account or even a retirement plan,
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  Speaker 1: which is, you know, do everything, right? I like everything.
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  Speaker 1: It is the most powerful tool is self-compassion. Self-compassion comes
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  Speaker 1: from self-awareness. Number one on my list of everything, of
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  Speaker 1: anything that everyone should do. Self-awareness. And then we have
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  Speaker 1: compassion for ourselves. This doesn't mean making excuses. It doesn't
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  Speaker 1: mean lying to ourself. It just means speaking to yourself
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  Speaker 1: the same kindness that you would one of your really
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  Speaker 1: good friends or maybe your children. Your best friend came
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  Speaker 1: to you and said, oh, I made a terrible financial mistake.
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  Speaker 1: You probably wouldn't respond by saying, oh, you're hopeless. You're
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  Speaker 1: really bad with money. You're never going to figure this out.
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  Speaker 1: You're not going to say that. You'd encourage them. You'd
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  Speaker 1: remind them that they're capable of learning. You remind them
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  Speaker 1: that you can help them make a plan and that
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  Speaker 1: you can offer yourself as some grace during this time.
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  Speaker 1: It is okay to love ourselves during these times. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: here's your first exercise. You ready? Take out your money journal.
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  Speaker 1: I know you have it handy and write down the
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  Speaker 1: financial mistake that you've been carrying around the longest. Don't
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  Speaker 1: write it down to punish yourself or to relive it.
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  Speaker 1: We're just writing it down so that we can look
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  Speaker 1: at it honestly, okay? So we're going to write down
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  Speaker 1: three questions. What happened? What did I learn from that?
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  Speaker 1: And how is this experience making me stronger and wiser?
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  Speaker 1: We're not looking for perfection. We're just looking for growth.
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  Speaker 1: We're just looking for learning how we can do it
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  Speaker 1: better next time. Your second exercise today is to pay
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  Speaker 1: attention to your self-talk this week. Every time we hear ourselves,
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  Speaker 1: I'm bad with money. I never get ahead. I don't
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  Speaker 1: know what I'm doing. I'm just not good at finances.
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  Speaker 1: Stop yourself. Ask yourself, is this a fact or is
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  Speaker 1: this shame talking? Then replace the statement with something true.
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  Speaker 1: I'm learning to make better financial decisions. I've made mistakes
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  Speaker 1: and I'm growing from my mistakes. Does that make sense?
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  Speaker 1: My past doesn't determine my future. Oh my goodness, right?
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  Speaker 1: It just doesn't. The goal isn't to pretend like everything
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  Speaker 1: is perfect. The goal is to actually stop speaking to
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  Speaker 1: yourself a way that keeps you stuck. You could do
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  Speaker 1: this about money, relationships, health, everything. I'm on the right
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  Speaker 1: track to my goal weight. I am releasing all the
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  Speaker 1: extra pounds that I want to shed instead of I'm
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  Speaker 1: perfect in my health and body right now. We're always
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  Speaker 1: usually on the road to recovery, right? So just know
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  Speaker 1: I'm on my road. I'm on my road and I'm
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  Speaker 1: doing the next best step to get me there. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: another exercise is to separate your identity from the actual experience.
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  Speaker 1: So take out a blank piece of paper in your
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  Speaker 1: money journal, draw a line down the middle, And on
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  Speaker 1: one side, we're going to say what I have done.
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  Speaker 1: And on the other side, we're going to say who
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  Speaker 1: I am. So the left side, what I've done, the
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  Speaker 1: right side, who I am. So under what I've done,
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  Speaker 1: make the financial or write down the financial mistakes that
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  Speaker 1: you've made. Maybe it's debt, overspending, failed business, losing a home.
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  Speaker 1: I lost a couple during 2010 at some rentals. Avoiding
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  Speaker 1: your finances, avoiding your financial advisor, not having a plan,
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  Speaker 1: not having a financial advisor. not looking at your past
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  Speaker 1: experiences before. Those are everything that you've done, right? Then
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  Speaker 1: on the right-hand side, we're going to write who I am.
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  Speaker 1: And it might not have anything to do with money.
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  Speaker 1: I am kind. I am resilient. I am loving. I
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  Speaker 1: am generous. I am determined. I am intelligent. I am hardworking.
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  Speaker 1: I'm compassionate. I'm honest. Notice something. Your financial mistakes belong
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  Speaker 1: in one column. Your identity belongs in the other column.
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  Speaker 1: Do not confuse the two. And take a look at
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  Speaker 1: that every day when you start to feel anxious or
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  Speaker 1: depressed or any negative feeling around money at all. Pull
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  Speaker 1: out that list because you are a badass. Don't confuse
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  Speaker 1: the two. So I also want you to remember that
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  Speaker 1: this is going to stay with you for a really
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  Speaker 1: long time. This is how we heal our past. Your
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  Speaker 1: past explains your financial behaviors. It does not define your
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  Speaker 1: financial potential. You are not your debt. So if you
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  Speaker 1: have credit card debt right now, mortgage debt, you might
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  Speaker 1: even have a personal loan debt. If you have any
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  Speaker 1: of that debt right now, you are not your debt.
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  Speaker 1: Your abilities to get out of the debt could be
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  Speaker 1: very fun. You could be attracting someone new in your
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  Speaker 1: life that's going to just give you the best business
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  Speaker 1: opportunity you've ever seen. As long as we can stay connected,
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  Speaker 1: In the right frame of mind, we attract the things
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  Speaker 1: that can help us get out of the bad feeling.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want to stay stuck in that hole with
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  Speaker 1: the bad feelings. We want to come out to, hey,
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  Speaker 1: I'm great. I'm smart. I'm intelligent. I'm kind. I'm open
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  Speaker 1: to opportunities. I'm open to new people to show me
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  Speaker 1: a better way. I don't know it all. And I
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  Speaker 1: love my road that I'm going to learn. Like, that's great.
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  Speaker 1: You are also not your credit score, boy. My credit
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  Speaker 1: score has gone up and down throughout my life, being
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  Speaker 1: a business owner and commission only and single mom and
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  Speaker 1: widowed and divorced and yada, yada, yada, yada, right? So
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  Speaker 1: I could never be attached to my credit score. I
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  Speaker 1: would feel like crap most of the time. So you
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  Speaker 1: are not your credit score. We all know how to
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  Speaker 1: make our credit better. And really our credit score is
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  Speaker 1: to buy something and to get a better loan for it. Car, house,
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  Speaker 1: credit cards. If you're not going to do any of that,
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  Speaker 1: And who cares what the credit score is? It's not
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  Speaker 1: who you are. Sometimes you need it for a rental property,
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  Speaker 1: to rent a house, rent an apartment, rent your place,
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  Speaker 1: get a loan for your car, whatever. That's great. And
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  Speaker 1: they're very useful. And it is one tool, just one
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  Speaker 1: tool around money that gives the creditors an idea of
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  Speaker 1: who you might be. It doesn't mean anything of who
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  Speaker 1: you actually are. I hope that makes sense. You are
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  Speaker 1: not your bankruptcy. If you have filed bankruptcy before, I
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  Speaker 1: have actually introduced that to clients. It was the smartest
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  Speaker 1: thing that they could have done in the position that
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  Speaker 1: they were at. And with my coaching and their financial plan,
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  Speaker 1: they're never going to be in that position again, ever.
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  Speaker 1: So you are not your bankruptcy. You are not your
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  Speaker 1: failed investment. If you purchased a stock and it went awry,
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  Speaker 1: or you trusted an advisor and you didn't stay up
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  Speaker 1: on it, didn't know what was happening, didn't get out,
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  Speaker 1: whatever it might be. Your failed investment. I met a
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  Speaker 1: gal that actually gave some guy, we all say some guy, right?
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  Speaker 1: Some guy like $ 250, 000 because she thought it was going
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  Speaker 1: to be such a great real estate deal. Nope. She
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  Speaker 1: lost all of it. How devastating is that? Right? And
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  Speaker 1: then we pick ourselves back up and then we say, okay,
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  Speaker 1: I'll never do that again. Any money that I'll give,
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  Speaker 1: I'll always make sure it's a custodian, a large company.
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  Speaker 1: It's not a human name like Madoff, right? We don't
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  Speaker 1: want to be doing that. So She is not her
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  Speaker 1: failed investment at all. She's actually more wiser for it.
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  Speaker 1: So all the experiences that we're going through is making
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  Speaker 1: us who we are today, which is amazing. We're only
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  Speaker 1: getting better and better, kind of like wine, right? More time,
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  Speaker 1: finer we become. You are not your financial decisions you
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  Speaker 1: made when you didn't know what you know today, right?
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  Speaker 1: So we don't know what we don't know. We've heard
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  Speaker 1: that from Oprah. That is all the time. We don't
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  Speaker 1: know what we don't know. And now that we know
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  Speaker 1: we would do things differently. And that's wonderful. And that
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  Speaker 1: is going to be for the rest of our life.
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  Speaker 1: Healing the shame wound begins a moment. You stop asking
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  Speaker 1: what's wrong with me and start asking, what can I
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  Speaker 1: learn from this experience? Give yourself some kindness. Give yourself
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  Speaker 1: some grace. Give yourself some love because shame keeps us
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  Speaker 1: looking backwards. A lot of times therapy will keep us stuck.
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  Speaker 1: I love therapy. I love my therapist. I love clients
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  Speaker 1: that are therapists. Love it, love it, love it. Saved
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  Speaker 1: my life. And at the same time, I also like
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  Speaker 1: to intertwine coaching because coaching looks forward. Therapy looks backward.
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  Speaker 1: And so I really like looking forward to say, okay,
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  Speaker 1: I did that in the past. I know where that
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  Speaker 1: came from. And now how do I integrate that into
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  Speaker 1: who I want to be moving forward? And shame is
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  Speaker 1: stuck in the back. It's stuck in our past. It's stuck.
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  Speaker 1: We don't want to keep revisiting shame. Once we've done it,
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  Speaker 1: we understand where it came from. We're going to move on.
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  Speaker 1: I hope that makes sense. Growth invites us to look forward.
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  Speaker 1: And every healthy financial decision you make today is another
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  Speaker 1: step toward becoming the person you've always been capable of becoming.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so glad that you were here for today. Come back.
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  Speaker 1: We've got more. The next one is the worthiness wound.
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  Speaker 1: That's going to be a good one too, because that's me.
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  Speaker 1: So I want you to be able to Enjoy these episodes.
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  Speaker 1: Get your homework done. Pat yourself on the back. Tell
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  Speaker 1: yourself you're a badass. And I want you always to
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  Speaker 1: be able to rock away and say, I rock my finances.
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  Speaker 2: We appreciate you joining us today. And don't forget to
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: subscribe to the Rock My Finances YouTube channel for more
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: engagement and bonus content. Tell me, what is your money story?
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Let's find out with Jennifer right here on K4HD Radio
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: and Talk4TV. It's not about the zero. It's about the
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: F word, feelings. Feelings Jennifer can't wait to explore with
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: you next week. Until then, let's all say, I rock
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: my finances.