Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / Why Do Aging Parents Say Such Inappropriate Things? Gen X Wants to Know!
Transcript
- Allison Newlon: do we get to an age where we think we can do and say whatever the heck we want to? Welcome to the Aging Parent Trapped YouTube channel and podcast. My name is Allison Newland. I'm the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida in the Greater Tampa Bay Area. And I am here with my friends and colleagues, Julie Cook with Generational Transitions and Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services. And we talk about things that Gen Xers are going through in regards to dealing with their aging parents. And today we are talking about the things. That people say when they get to a certain age. they just don't care how it affects people in their at any point in time. They'll just say whatever they want and they don't care anymore. And is that right? Is it wrong? How do you feel about that? And I know, I know my friend Nikki has some things to say about this. So I'm gonna go ahead and let her. So we're we're having fun with this one today. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yes, we we all need a little laughter in our life these days. So Allison Newlon: Yes. Nikki Elite Prep Services: yeah, it's it's kinda like when you get to that senior citizen age where they get excited cause now they can go to McDonald's and get that senior discount. But it's kind of like it also goes with that, like now I have this rite of passage that I'm a senior now, so I have no filter and you can't hold that against me because I'm an old man. So it's either I can be a dirty old man and make comments to young girls or pretty girls and give Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Okay. Allison Newlon: Mm-hmm. Nikki Elite Prep Services: a hard time and it's okay I'm old or no I could park here it doesn't I don't care what the sign says I'm old I'm a senior citizen I could do whatever I want no but rules Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: you Nikki Elite Prep Services: don't apply to you when you turn over 65 I guess I don't know Allison Newlon: I know and really the senior citizen, the age is fifty-five, right? But bec according to AARP, I guess. But I don't I mean, I don't feel like it is. I feel like senior citizen is a lot older than that. but yeah, Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: I agree. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: all also, yeah, Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: yeah, I definitely agree for sure. I Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Definitely agree. Allison Newlon: don't I just I threw away that AARP application that I got in the mail. I was like, don't send that to me. Nikki Elite Prep Services: I have it. Allison Newlon: Sent I was like, no, I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want that. but Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah! No! No. Allison Newlon: also like, you know, I can eat what I want, I can drink what I want, I can wear what I want, I can let myself go even. Like, I don't have to I'm gonna die. My my father-in-law, and I shared this with you guys before, but we're at like a family, it was years ago. I mean Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Okay. Allison Newlon: we're at a family th gathering. It could have been a regular Saturday night, it could have been Thanksgiving, I don't remember, but he said, I don't care, I'm gonna die soon anyways, right? And all all the generations, you know, his kids, Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Okay. Allison Newlon: his grandkids, some of his grandkids have grandkids or kids now, you know, and we're all like, What why would you say that? Because we feel a certain way when you say that. and maybe you're preparing us for you know your demise or something. And maybe. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Mm-hmm. Okay. Allison Newlon: making us feel okay with it because you're okay with it. But but doing what they want, saying what they want. I can I my mom, and I'm trying to think of an example. I know. Well no, that's a different one. No. I'll let somebody else speak. I'll let somebody else chime in of something that they've heard. I'm sure Julie, you've heard people say things like, in your travels, especially when you're touring some of the facilities that you help people find when they need memory care or assistant living or even independent living. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yes, and oftentimes folks are filter free. And so when we're touring senior living communities, they have no issues expressing what they do and don't like, expressing what they think about others. so that's it's one of those things because I work with it on a daily basis that I kind of roll with it. It's like, you know what? It comes with the tear. It's almost like, OK, so here's here's the closest example. Remember when we had toddlers and they would do whatever they're going to do? I feel like when you're with a senior Just be prepared. They may do whatever they're going to do. you just got to kind of they oftentimes not always, but oftentimes they feel like they've earned it. They've been careful and Allison Newlon: Right. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: done everything for so long. And so now they're just going to say it. And I feel like you just have to kind of smile and say, OK, do you you know what? What else are you going to do? Allison Newlon: having no filter is a very nice way of putting it. And I know plenty of people my age that don't have a filter and that's just their personality. But I guess it's kind of shocking to some extent when you're not used to somebody not having that filter and then they just, you know, say whatever. Or even it can be it can come off as just like a negative tone. So it's not just about saying what you want. say when you want to say it, it can just be really negative and and make other people not want to be around you. You know? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. And unfortunately, sometimes folks who are older, whether they don't feel good or they're dismayed at the way they feel like the world is going, they tend to have that negative slant. The other thing to think about too is when you have somebody who may have cognitive decline. that can lead to being very unfiltered. so for family members, that can throw you for a curveball because you have, you know, mama who's always been very careful with what she says. And now all of a sudden, you don't have to wonder what she's thinking. She'll just tell you. And so that's that's an adjustment. Allison Newlon: That would that would be an adjustment. I also think that from when like a the generation before me or like my parents, their friends, things were not as I don't know the right way to say it, woke. You know, like I don't even Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: know if I'm allowed to say that. I'm probably gonna get canceled for saying that. But people it was a a different time, a b I would say a bad time, but sometimes, you know, saying certain words which I will not say, but I've heard them said or derogatory comments about you know people because Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: when they were coming up in their lives it was a different social situation and I don't I don't think like that like I don't thank goodness but I think some of the baby boomers that are now In the senior care situations, they did. And they had wars that they went to where there was a prejudice after those wars, or you know, they had the effects of you know going seeing their family members go overseas. Maybe it was their parents, maybe it was their cousins or their brothers, or you know, Vietnam, even Japan and every I mean like Just saying something about going to get Chinese food or Japanese food and somebody says something derogatory, that's not okay to do. but there's a and I don't know if I'm gonna keep that in there, but I'm always like, don't say that, I'm not saying my mom goes around and says things like that, but I have heard that Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: as my parents maybe I recognized it that it was wrong more as I got older and realized, well, why are you saying something like that? That's you know, doesn't matter. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: I think. Nikki Elite Prep Services: I think demographics have a lot to do with it too. Allison Newlon: Mm. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Like where? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: that's a huge part. Yeah. Like we're Allison Newlon: Where you gr where they grew up. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah, yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: from Chicago. mob days, deep in the hood country like like it was traditionally Italian and Irish. Like those were those were the Allison Newlon: And they fought with each other, Irish and and Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah, well, yeah, and those are those are the neighborhoods. And then you always had neighborhoods in Chicago. So like it it sh it was just a thing for their generation. So when our generation came around, things just started intermingling Allison Newlon: Yes. Nikki Elite Prep Services: and it just it didn't matter to us. so Allison Newlon: Yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: as we grew up we were like, We're racial blind, it doesn't matter. But to them things were segregated. And that's how they grew up. So things were just a little bit different and it stayed with them. And then of course we all know as they get older that mentally they digress that way. So Allison Newlon: so so that can okay, so all right, so that can make some sense. So that some of the prejudice that they grew up with kind of well were silenced a bit, thank goodness. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: But then as their mental capacity digresses, then maybe some of that starts to reappear, at Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: least in their words sometimes. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: interesting. Well, we don't like that. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: And I think that demographics point is huge. If you take folks who maybe grew up in the deep south, and so there were things that they would say that to them when they were, you know, substantially younger was perhaps not taken the way it is taken now. And so they still Allison Newlon: Yes. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: use those words. And that can come across extremely offensive, especially in my Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: case, and you're in a senior living community and you have a very diverse staff. And so that's something that's difficult to deal with because they may not even be trying to be offensive. It's just terms that they've used forever and don't realize that's no longer, or perhaps it was never, but it's not Allison Newlon: Right. you can't s Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: appropriate. Allison Newlon: well, but you can't say, have that girl come over here and you know T the girl didn't come and do my laundry today, or the girl didn't do the Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: no, the professional that works at the facility was very busy Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: and got a little behind. And when she's done doing the other stuff, she will come, but you can't call, you know, you can't say those kinds of things. So, you know, we we get I I just I feel like the the say whatever you want, do whatever you want, it comes off as just It's it's not really funny. I'm glad you get to roll with it. I don't get to see it very often, which is good. So but Nikki Elite Prep Services: I live with it. Allison Newlon: Lord, you live with it. I mean I Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: The key nose. Allison Newlon: I'll see people at the grocery store, you know, and I can see that they're being crankier than they should be. I feel like it's just a crankiness situation. Maybe they're mad about, you know, their physical decline, their situation, and they're just like, well, what the hell? It doesn't matter what I say. who cares? Because yeah, you're right. I earned it. So you live with it every single day. Does your let me ask you a question, Nikki? So, because you mentioned before. Before that your stepdad had said something like, well, if I go somewhere to live that's not here, the place has to have pretty girls. Pretty young girls. And Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm. Pretty young girls. Young girls. Yes. Allison Newlon: he doesn't mean it in a pedophile type way. Nikki Elite Prep Services: No. No. Mm mm. Allison Newlon: Nope. And and even when I was coming up in the eighties, the you know, like you know, going to high school and then college and then, you know, having a first job and and dealing with men in situations, it just you just let things roll off your shoulder. Like that was just kind of the culture and Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: that was and you knew how to navigate to get your you know, get to where from point A to point B without being harassed. and now, so I don't think Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: So Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: they'll say a cute old man look he's being cute like that but he still has those ways from back in the day but he didn't really mean any harm by it but golly if somebody were to say something like that in front of like one of my 18 or 20 year old daughters they would be freaked out and I'd be like that like that don't worry about that that's nothing to be worried about you're not and you're not gonna Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Yeah. Allison Newlon: change him from saying any of that Nikki Elite Prep Services: No, no, that ship sailed Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Mm-mm. Nikki Elite Prep Services: long time ago. No, that's and when we go out places, even to doctors' offices, he'll I don't wanna say like harass in a bad way, but he teases and he gives like the nurses and the front office staff the girls a hard time. The the grocery store clerk he'll give her their the girls a hard time. He like he loves it. He he loves to get a reaction and he loves to make them smile and he likes to tease them and sometimes it's like the most ridiculous, inappropriate comments like towards me, but to get them to laugh. And I'm like, I'm gonna put you in a home that's my response to him. Like all the time. I'm gonna put you in a home and I'm gonna make sure they're all male nurses. Like that's that Allison Newlon: so Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: I love it. Allison Newlon: So I guess the way that each person deals with with with it is gonna be different. Like you have the type of relationship with him that you can kind of put him in his place in a joking fashion. Like you know, he doesn't mean really any harm. It's just kind of his way. and he's gonna say these things. And and it's and it's really okay, but you you know, can do that. Now, some people might not have relationships like that, so they're just cringed out by. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Okay. Allison Newlon: Whatever their parents have to say. My my kids get cringe. Yeah, I I I guess I might probably say cringy things sometimes too in front of my kids. I don't mean it, but not like I'm not flirting with the the guy behind the counter in front of them. Usually. Usually I say that. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Not bad. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: But it can be it can be fun you know, it can be bad or it can be fun. It's how you ta it's how you roll with it. I think Julie gave us the best piece of advice. because Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm. Allison Newlon: she is the calm she's the calm one of the three of us. She's the one Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Huh! Allison Newlon: who has the no Nikki Elite Prep Services: Hopefully not me. Allison Newlon: me me neither. Julie's always the one the voice of reason, I should say. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah Allison Newlon: Which is why she's good at what she does. Because even Even when you are preparing Nikki like wills and trust for people, you must hear, you know, I'm some things during those. Nikki Elite Prep Services: i yeah. Those are fun. You really you Yeah. Allison Newlon: I'm gonna give this person this. I can do whatever I it's my money. I can do whatever I want. I don't know. I'm just Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah, you you get some you get some really fun comments. Like they're they're taking it very lightheartedly, especially when you're you're talking about death essentially. But Allison Newlon: Sure. Nikki Elite Prep Services: when you're putting these documents together, like some will get really sentimental, some get really emotional, but most of the time it's always the guys and they're the ones that are are coming out with the goofy comments, just I already told shotguns loaded, take me up back and just put me out my misery. Allison Newlon: yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: I'm not putting that in these documents. it's not gonna happen. You do realize you're asking to commit murder. Like Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah No. Allison Newlon: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah Nikki Elite Prep Services: Okay, then just put my body on a boat and light it on fire and push it out to the water. No, no, Allison Newlon: No no Nikki Elite Prep Services: we're not Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Right. Nikki Elite Prep Services: doing that either. That's a biking memorial or whatever it is and that's not happening. Allison Newlon: Yeah, I think it is I Nikki Elite Prep Services: so yeah, you you get some some interesting comments. but it it's a a roller coaster, but you really get to see like the inside of them. Now I love it when I have clients that lovingly bicker back and forth. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: you Allison Newlon: Hm. Nikki Elite Prep Services: 'Cause I have a couple where I'm like I come home and I tell my husband, babe, I saw us in the future. Like Allison Newlon: Ha ha ha Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Aww, I love Allison Newlon: a certain point after being with somebody for so long that you can do things. And some people can be annoyed by that. Especially the the kids of those people doing it can be annoyed Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: by it. But whatever works in that relationship, I guess, that both people can't accept. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah, yeah. Allison Newlon: But I the yeah, the Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: It's not a Allison Newlon: the Nikki Elite Prep Services: bad thing. I I grew up grandma and grandpa, two Sicilians, butted heads nonstop. my god, it was so horrible. that's that's what I thought love was. My husband on the other hand, like he's a jokester. Like something is wrong if he is not picking on me and giving me a hard time. So when I see clients that are still that way after twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of marriage, I'm like, it's so cute. And they're like, honey, this is how we we keep it together. Allison Newlon: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: you Allison Newlon: It's so cute. He j he he just flipped her off. That's so cute. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: they're so nice. Allison Newlon: That's so nice. It is so nice. Well, I guess Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: I think, what you mentioned is I think a lot of times they're trying to be funny. They're just trying to make Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: Yes. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: people laugh. And so it might be inappropriate, but they got you to laugh. So, know, mission accomplished, whatever. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Yeah. Allison Newlon: Yeah. Yeah. And so we should probably step back, not be irritated by it as much and just know that, that maybe they are just trying to have fun because, some of the things that they used to be able to do, they can't do anymore. So but they if they can still talk, they can still use their words to s have some reaction and effect on people. And some Nikki Elite Prep Services: And you don't know what kind of stress they have going on at home and maybe that's a release for them. Allison Newlon: And Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Such a good point. Allison Newlon: I that That is a good point. And I and I did have a client who very, very old man, and he lived by himself, and his wife was in a memory care facility and she had been there for about 12 years, and and she had finally passed away, and and I say it you know lovingly, like had finally passed away, but he would go visit her, you know, every day and stuff, but he on the out Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Okay. Allison Newlon: Outside he looked like an angry mad you know. person and was r rather gruff in the way and he was from the northeast and so he had an accent, you know, I don't I think it was I feel like it was it doesn't matter, but it was the Northeast somewhere. And he and but he was really a sweet, kind man. And it was it was the Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Mm. Allison Newlon: hard candy shell on the outside, right? Because once you got, you know, in in there and started really dealing with him. And he was a tough cookie, don't get me wrong. Like he put me to the test about selling his house and all that stuff. And I managed to accomplish it. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Please. Thank Allison Newlon: But I you know, I I approached him a little differently because it it was like I was back in the nineties dealing with the older boss person and you know, just the their tough exterior and not sugarcoating anything kind of thing like people do today. So, but he Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: had a heart of gold and and so we have to remember that we don't know what's going on behind, you know, anybody's lives, be it old person, young person, whatever, you never know what kind of day somebody's having. So Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: Let them make their little jokes, you know, as long as they're not really hurting you. Roll with it, like Julie says. We would love to hear what is going on in your world, some of the wildest things that you have heard your family member say, or just maybe you've heard some other person say and you want to share it with us. Make sure that you put it in the comments below. Of course, our contact information will be in the pinned comment. Thank you for watching. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: you