Latest / Celeste The Therapist / Ep 524 Understanding Love & its Origins - EP 1of 3

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Ep 524 Understanding Love & its Origins - EP 1of 3 · Celeste The Therapist

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Hey, hey, thank you all so much for joining another episode of
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Celeste's Therapist Podcast. My name is Celeste. I'm a therapist from Boston. If
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you've never been here before, thank you for being here. I appreciate
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you. What I do on here is we talk about different things and
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we talk about how to deal with it. Last five
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episodes, we talked about healing your
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inner child. It was a five-part series. We're
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about to start a new series that I'm so excited about, and
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it's going to be all about love. So if you are somebody that
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struggles with loving yourself, if you're struggling in
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relationships, if you feel that love is this feeling
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that kind of starts off a certain way and then it dips off, this
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series is going to be for you. We will have homework assignments,
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and it's going to be three episodes. So every other week, there'll be
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a topic about love. And
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I promise you, it's going to be very enlightening. I've
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been in the mental health field for 20 years. I've been in private practice for
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10 years. So I get the pleasure of talking to people and
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I recognize how much we misconceive what love
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is. I also am a person who
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struggled with what love was, didn't understand the origins, didn't
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understand how the ways that I grew
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up and the experiences that I've had has shaped
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my mindset around love. We're going to get
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into the content. If you are listening to
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me on YouTube, I do also, sorry,
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not YouTube. If you're listening to me on the audio podcast, I'm on YouTube, look
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for Celeste Therapist. But I also thought about, I
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can create this as a PDF as well. So
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if you are listening to this and if you wanted to kind
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of follow along with the PDF, I will have a link for that
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in the show notes so that you can download that
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link. So we are doing a three-part series on All
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About Love. Today's episode is the understanding love
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and its origins, right? We're going to be learning about what love
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is and the origins, like, how does, where
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does it come from? How does it start? And we
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are gonna start with understanding who Bell Hooks is because this
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is where I got the topic from. She has an amazing book called All
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About Love. We're gonna learn about the concept of love,
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and then we're gonna learn about the exposure to love, your first
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exposure to love. How is that shaping your mindset
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around love? And then I'm gonna give you a homework assignment. This
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is the beautiful, amazing Bell Hooks right here. She
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was a feminist and a social activist born in September 25th,
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1952. She's recently passed away. Her contributions
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to love and relationships, she pioneered discussions on love
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as transformative, a force in personal and social
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context. significance and social justice, right? So
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she explored intersections of race, gender, and class in
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her work, and she emphasized the importance of love in creating equitable
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and just societies. This book
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right here that you can see, All About Love, was published in 2000. It
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challenges conventional definition of love, presenting it as a choice
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in action, right? And my framework around today's episode is
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around this book, and so this
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is kind of, you know, as a therapist
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and somebody that has experienced a
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lot of struggle individually, the framework that
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she's used through her research and conversations with
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people, et cetera, et cetera, it makes so much sense, right?
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Just kind of keep an open mind. This is not an
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exact science, but I think when you work with so many people,
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when you look at your story, you'll be able to kind of understand and
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see it, and it will start to make sense. So
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let me go ahead and share my screen so we can finish talking about Ms.
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Hooks. And then impact on its readers. So
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she encourages self-reflection and personal growth through understanding love.
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And then she inspires us to cultivate love in lives in
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our lives and relationships. So the
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concept of love, right? We're gonna start here because how do we go
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into understanding love
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and how we are affected by things if we don't have a working definition? I
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always like to start with the working definition. So love
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as a choice in action, right? One, it's a conscious
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decision. So love is an act of will. where an
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individual choice and a long-term commitment rather than a passive
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emotional response. I feel like a lot of times when we
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think about love, it feels like something that's happening to us, right?
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We look at it as a feeling or an experience. I
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don't think that people... Before reading
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this book and thinking about love that deeply, I never
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thought about it as a choice and an action, right? I
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looked at it as a feeling, these little butterflies that happen, right? This
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feeling that I have And so think
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about that, like loving, love as an action, as
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a choice. So love is as
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love does. So this means love is demonstrated through actions, not just
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expressed through words or feelings, right? And
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then it says action-oriented practice. So it involves
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daily deliberate actions like care, affection, recognition,
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respect, commitment, trust, and open communication.
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And then the last point is that it's accountability. So viewing
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love as an action inherently builds accountability and
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responsibility into the relationship as actions have
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consequences. Now, I
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put this all together, right? So bell hooks defines love
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as a verb, not a noun, and a conscious choice.
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I highlighted it. So conscious choice is something that we
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choose. And when I think about my life now, the
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people that are in my life, Prior to me thinking
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about love and working through
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some struggles I've had, I started
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to have less people in my life. There was
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more quality, less quantity. When
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I think about the people that are in my life, it's people that
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I choose to have in my life because they fulfill me
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in some capacity. There's a reciprocal relationship that I have with
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people and it is a conscious choice. Everything about
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the framework is literally how I look at my
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life and my choice around love and my choice around
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the people that I am choosing to have in my life. It's
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a conscious choice to nurture one's own, sorry, It's
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a conscious choice to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth
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through actions like care, commitment, respect, and
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trust. For her, love is not simply a
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feeling, I don't look at love as a feeling, but an
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intentional practice that requires will and action and
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is composed of a mixture of elements including care, affection,
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recognition, respect, commitment, and trust
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combined with honest and open communication. Right?
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Definitely take notes on this because it's a lot to
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absorb. Definitely, if you're
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not on YouTube, get the PDF if you want to have
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it in front of you. Looking at love as
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a verb, not a noun, a conscious choice. Now,
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how does this shift the way we look at relationships? We're going to talk
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about how it shifts the way we look at relationships, then we're going to go
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into our first exposures of love and what that looks like. When
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it comes to relationships, that means there's this active engagement. We're
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actively participating in a relationship rather than passively
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letting it happen. People say,
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I don't know how I got into this situation or this relationship, but I have
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these feelings, but we're not consciously in them. We are
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just like, we are operating off of how we're feeling
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about the relationship. Responsibility and accountability, right?
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So when we think about love, It forces a sense of ownership
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over your role in the relationship, leading to greater accountability
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for actions and decisions. And this
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is something, as the type of therapist that I am, regardless
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of what's happening, regardless of what somebody has done, I
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always try to help people see what was your role in
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your parents' life when you went over there for Thanksgiving and
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you knew that they were going to talk about you. What was your role in your relationship when
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this person that you're dealing with is saying, I don't want a relationship, but
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you continue to engage in different ways that made you
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feel like you were used, right? So when we think about accountability,
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it's not that the way people, like, are
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treating us is okay, but I like for people to see
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you have power in what you choose when it comes to
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a relationship, whether we're talking about work, whether we're talking about an intimate
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relationship, whether we're talking about a family. There
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is a choice, but a lot of times we have,
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it goes back to that inner child stuff. If you haven't listened to
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the healing your inner child segment, definitely a great segment,
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But if you have struggled with the
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way that life was and you never really had autonomy over
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your life, your inner child could be coming up and you could be in
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different type of relationships and not feel like you have control.
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So that's something that's important to think about. When we're thinking
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about shifting the way we look at relationships, enhanced communication, so
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it promotes open discussions about needs, desires, boundaries leading
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to healthier interactions and deeper connections. I've
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been married for 17 years, and when it
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comes to my relationship, we've had to have hard conversations,
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but through those hard conversations and hard situations, I
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feel like has created us to be more healthy, more vulnerable,
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more open to one another. A lot of times we
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haven't watched our caregivers have healthy conversations. We
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don't see it on TV. So we don't realize that
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some of the ways that we
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need or want this healthy relationship, we need to
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be an active participant. and have open
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dialogue and be a little bit vulnerable in
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order to have like this healthy dynamic
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in our partnerships. Realistic expectations, right?
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Again, when we're thinking about this idea of the definition of love,
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we're using that working definition. A lot of us don't
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have realistic expectations, right? So realistic expectations,
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challenges, romanticized notions of love. It
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helps you set more realistic expectations about the
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effort required in relationships. Again,
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and we'll talk about this in a second, but we're so used to seeing
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things in highlighted reels and the
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person lived happily ever after that we start
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to look at love in that way. The
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things that are in between that point of living
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happily ever after, or the
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stuff that we're seeing. How do we get to that point? There's
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parts of relationships that nobody talks about.
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Relationships aren't easy. I always say, if you are in a relationship, you're
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choosing to love somebody. It's a choice to
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be in that dynamic. And that dynamic doesn't mean
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that the feeling that you have when you first meet that person is always going
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to stay. You have to work for that. And a lot of times we
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don't even think about the reality of what a relationship looks
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like. There are people that choose not to be in
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a relationship because it's a lot of work, right? Another
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thing about shifting the way we're looking at relationships is
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that focusing on growth. So it encourages personal and relational
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development, promoting you to reflect on your beliefs and behaviors regarding
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love, empathy, and compassion. So it cultivates a deeper
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understanding of your partner's perspective, fostering empathy
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and compassion in your interactions. You are two different
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people coming from two different backgrounds. Nothing's
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going to be 100% okay. There's going to be things that come
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up. If you're not able to look at your partner and
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their dynamics and where they've come from and how that affects and
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plays a role in the relationship, it's going to create
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for a hard relationship. I was born and raised in
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America by a single parent. My
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partner was raised here, but he's
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Haitian, a whole different culture, two-parent household. The
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dynamics look differently. We
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decided to have kids. The way that we parent our
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children, there's conversations that need to happen. There's
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all of these little things that come up when it comes to our
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relationship. We're
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older now. We started dating at 19. We
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were young. We literally grew up together and been with each other
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for more than half our lives. We've had to
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make adjustments. We've had to have conversations as
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things were changing. It wasn't just like we just went through the motions. People
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do go through the motions and can still stay married for 20, 30, 40 years,
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but feel miserable. A lot of people, sometimes when people say
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like, oh, I've been married for this long, People
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struggle with feeling happy or feeling good
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about the relationship. They're just in it because it's all they know. Imagine
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being able to have a dynamic and a partnership where you're
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growing together and the growth that you're having together
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in a healthy way is only happening because you're tending
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to your garden. You think about a garden, you think about Plants,
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the only way for it to grow is to tend to it. You cannot just let
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it stay there and expect for it to look good and be
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healthy, right? If you just let it sit there, weeds are gonna come in,
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right? Branches are gonna fall off, right? If you don't give it sun, if
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you don't give it water, and when you think about a relationship, I
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want you to try to think about it in that way as well. So
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when it comes, oops, let me go back one second. So resilience and
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challenges, so it helps couples navigate difficulties by emphasizing their
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commitment to love and work through the issues, what I just talked about. And
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then the last thing I want to say about this is the foundation of respect and
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trust. So it promotes the development of mutual respect, trust,
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and support, creating a solid foundation for lasting
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relationships. So that is the working definition of
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love. Those are the ways in which You
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can shift your ideas around love. This is
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a really great episode for
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people that are in relationships or wanting to get
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back into the dating game or having a hard time understanding relationships.
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Because everybody, who doesn't want companionships? People want
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companionships. but they don't know what it
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takes to have a healthy dynamic and a companionship. A
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lot of it is stemming from love. The foundation
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for me, I think about is our inner child, that struggles
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and the pain and the good stuff, all the things that
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our foundation and how we grew up, our inner
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child, but then the love piece, I think, is something that's another
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powerful a powerful, powerful subject
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to really understand for yourself. A
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couple of quotes to drive
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this home from the book, love is an action, never simply
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a feeling. To love well is express love
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in ways the other can feel. Love
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is a combination of care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect,
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and trust. Then the last one is when we can learn to
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love ourselves, we can learn to love others. I
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know a lot of times people don't
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realize it, but they are looking for love without
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even loving themselves. I was that person looking for that
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love, looking for my partner to take the pain away,
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not realizing I wasn't even comfortable with
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myself. I wasn't even comfortable. I wasn't even giving myself
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love that I deserve. I'm not giving myself the
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love that I deserve, and I am trying to be in a relationship. That's
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a combination for a really hard relationship when that's
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the case. Really being mindful of, as
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we're talking about love, thinking about yourself and are
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you committed to yourself? Are you respecting yourself? Are you
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being vulnerable with yourself? Do you trust yourself? Are
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you committed to yourself? When I'm talking
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about love, I want you to think about this when it comes to yourself as well. Now,
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the next section we're talking about is your exposure to
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love, right? What are the first exposures to love? And
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the first section is family dynamics, right?
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So, influence of family dynamics. So, family is often the
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first source of love and emotional support. So,
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your early experience with your caregivers are going to shape your
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lives about love and attachment. Logically,
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I think we know this, but do we know this? Is
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it a conscious thing? Who you grew
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up in the house with? A lot of times when I'm doing an intake and
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I'm meeting people for the first time, I'm asking about who was
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in the house, who did they grow up with? What was that parent like?
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When I have people that are struggling with their parents and
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the way that they are, I learned about the dynamic and
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what took place. The way that you were shown
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love, for some people, it may have been healthy. For
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a lot of people, it wasn't healthy. And for some people,
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there may have been physical, emotional, sexual abuse that
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took place. And for some, emotional
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neglect, right? So there's some, you know, when
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it comes to like physical, emotional, um, sexual abuse
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where you're like screaming and yelling and doing things to
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your children, like that's clear. But I think when it
19:01
comes to the neglect, like there are some parents that don't even know how
19:04
to be vulnerable with themselves. So they never had a chance to
19:08
do it with you. They never. kind of checked in with you. They never really
19:12
asked you how you were feeling because they didn't even know how they were
19:16
feeling themselves. They didn't even think about feeling as a thing. They
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just wanted to make sure that you had everything you need to survive, right?
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So the way that you were taught
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love part of the first exposure took
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place in your home. So the types of
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love you experienced. So there are some people that had unconditional love
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from your parent versus conditional love based on behavior,
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right? That's something to like really, Think
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about like, how did my parents show love to me? Was
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it when they were upset, they didn't
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talk to me, right? If they had a bad day, did they start
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yelling at me? Did they come home angry? Was I anxious not
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knowing like, oh my gosh, am I going to get in trouble now? Are they going to
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yell at me for this, right? Was the love that you were showing,
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was it consistent, right? Did they yell and
20:11
then buy you something later? Were you used to
20:15
cycles of abuse in that way? Thinking
20:19
about the way that you may have been raised
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and how your parent or caregiver, the person that
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you was raised by, showed you love. could
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be a good indication on how you are
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receiving love. We'll talk about this later, but
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I just want to say a lot of times when
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people are in toxic or abusive relationships,
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and it doesn't mean always it has something
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to do with your childhood. It could be through early experiences, which we'll
20:53
touch on. But a lot of times, it's not that you
20:57
like to be treated unwell. It's
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not like you love it, but your system is used to
21:05
it. When I'm working with people and
21:08
the relationships that they're in is very dysfunctional, I
21:12
will say, Start loving yourself, right?
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They have a hard time breaking away from that dysfunctional relationship.
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Logically, they know that it's not the best relationship for
21:24
them, but they can't find themselves, like they feel
21:28
like they struggle with letting go of it.
21:31
Why is it that I logically know that this is not okay, but
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I am still in it? When it comes to your exposure of
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love, it's unfortunately could be a familiar way
21:44
that you were engaged with love, where
21:47
you've watched cycles of your parents and the way they interacted
21:51
with each other or the way they interacted with you, where there was never any
21:55
consistency in that, right? So just kind of
21:58
be mindful of that. Communication style.
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So family communication patterns influence how love is expressed and
22:05
received. Open versus closed communication affects
22:09
emotional intimacy and connection, right? The way that
22:13
your caregiver may have communicated with you and
22:16
the things that you guys were able to talk about or not talk about. And
22:20
then the last part of family dynamics, this part right here is
22:23
cultural and societal influences. So cultural norms can dictate
22:27
expressions of love and then societal expectations
22:31
can shape family roles and dynamics, right? The
22:34
first exposure to love, thinking about influence of
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your family relationships, the type of love you experienced in
22:41
the house, the communication styles that happened
22:44
in the house, was the doors closed? Was it open? Were
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you guys checking in with each other? Did
22:51
you guys just go home and stay in your room and nobody talked? And
22:55
now as an adult and you're in a relationship and your partner wants to
22:58
talk to you, but you struggle with talking, right? Really understanding
23:03
how things happen in your life because it's shaped how
23:06
you are. Doesn't mean you always have to stay that way, but it
23:09
has shaped how you are. The
23:14
different structures in the family
23:19
can shape the way love looks
23:22
like for you as well, right? So there's a nuclear traditional family,
23:26
two-parent household, often emphasizes stability
23:29
and support, not saying that that's the case, but it can foster a
23:33
sense of security, but may also create pressure to conform to
23:36
specific norms. Again, depending on
23:39
the type of household you grew up
23:43
in, that can have an influence on you. So it's not like one
23:46
or the other, it's this and that and that and that. So
23:50
all of these things mixed together. As I'm sharing this stuff, it's not like
23:54
one over the other. It could be this and that and that and
23:57
that. The nuclear family, where you're raised by
24:00
a single parent, may lead to stronger bonds due to shared
24:04
experiences and challenges. Children may learn resilience and
24:07
adaptability in loving relationships. Blended families,
24:11
where you're raised in a blended family, it starts to introduce
24:15
complexities and love dynamics, requiring negotiation of
24:19
relationships. It can teach the flexibilities and the importance of acceptance
24:22
of love. And then there's this extended family where you
24:26
raise an extended family. And the last kind
24:29
of family dynamic, same-sex families, right? Challenges traditional
24:33
norms of family and love, promoting inclusivity. Children
24:37
learn about love in diverse contexts, fostering acceptance and
24:40
understanding. So, as we're looking at this, these different
24:44
family dynamics, you know, a single parent, blended family,
24:48
nuclear, same sex. Now, if you're two different people who grew up
24:51
in two different families, let's say one, you grew up in a single family,
24:55
one, you grew up in an extended family, there could be some conflict
24:58
there where it's like, no, we have to
25:02
go to this house and that house and this because you grew up
25:06
having that as your baseline. Then if you grew up in
25:09
a single-parent household, not a lot of extended family, and
25:15
you're in a relationship with that person, you may struggle with, why
25:19
do I feel this way about going and not understanding your
25:22
bandwidth where it's like, maybe I can go to this event, but I can't
25:25
go to this event, but feeling pressure that you have to because that's
25:29
what your partner is doing. Really understand, that's
25:33
why it's so important to understanding yourselves if you're in
25:36
a relationship, and then each other. So you can
25:39
begin to understand the things that you need, the
25:43
things that you struggle with, the things that you're triggered by. How
25:46
do you understand that if you're not thinking about like your origins of
25:49
love and the ways in which you were exposed to
25:52
love? Now there's also cultural influences
25:56
on love, right? Social media, platforms
26:01
like Instagram and TikTok can create pressure to
26:05
conform certain relationships. Looking at a
26:08
bunch of highlighted reels, this is like, so
26:11
I'm 43, right? And I
26:15
didn't grow up with social media. I'm
26:19
a therapist, I talk to people, I see how much we
26:23
allow social media to play a role in
26:27
how we are looking at love. I want
26:30
you to try this. I want you to take your phone out right now. I've
26:35
been doing this in my sessions and people are blown away. I've never had nobody
26:38
that, I've never had one person to say like, oh yeah,
26:41
that makes sense. It was like their eyes got wide open. I
26:45
want you to take your phone right now, Go to
26:48
your settings and then go to
26:51
your screen time. That's for Apple. Android has a different thing,
26:55
but if you Google, how do I look at my screen time? You'll
26:58
be able to see. Look at your screen time and pay attention to how much you're
27:02
spending on these apps. They'll break it down. TikTok,
27:06
Instagram, YouTube, all of these apps. How much time are you spending? not
27:10
realizing. We're happy to be talking about love right now, but in general,
27:14
you don't realize how much the social media can be influencing the
27:18
way you're thinking about things. And when it comes to love and
27:21
you're seeing Christmas is around the corner, you're seeing everybody
27:25
coordinated in their little outfits, not knowing they was just cussing each other
27:28
out right before the picture was taken and cussing each other out after the
27:32
picture was taken. But Oh, I see this pretty picture and
27:35
all of a sudden I'm struggling in my relationship because you don't want to
27:38
take a picture with matching pajamas. You
27:42
see how that works? Not even realize it. The same way if you see a
27:46
pizza commercial, you might start craving pizza. not realizing you're
27:49
craving pizza because you've just seen a pizza commercial. There's so much that
27:53
we are looking at and seeing, and we're not realizing how it's
27:56
influencing us. You and your partner
28:00
could be fine, but all of a sudden you're struggling with your partner, not
28:03
realizing it's because you're matching what love looks
28:07
like based off of what you've seen on TV, what somebody's vlog
28:11
is about what their partner got them. If
28:14
you be on social media like that, you see people that you've
28:18
romanticized about or thought was like, oh my God, they're so
28:21
amazing. And you've seen how the breakdown took place. So
28:26
be mindful on how much you're allowing social media to
28:31
dictate your ideas of love. Influence of
28:34
religion. So religious beliefs often dictate views on
28:37
love, marriage, and your family roles. Really
28:41
thinking about, and this is not, so
28:45
thinking about the ways that you were taught the religion,
28:49
right? How does that influence you and the way that you look
28:52
at love? And if that's the direction you're going, that is
28:55
totally fine, right? But be mindful on
28:59
making sure you are in a choosing partnership that
29:02
is in alignment with that. Generational differences, so
29:06
cultural shifts over time influence how different generations perceive love. Younger
29:10
generations may challenge the traditional norms, embracing more
29:14
diverse definition of love. And then there's the intersectionality factors
29:18
of race, gender, and socioeconomic status that shape your
29:22
experience of love. Cultural background can influence how
29:26
love is expressed and understood around different communities. So
29:29
there are all these things that go into how
29:34
we are looking at love that we may not realize. And
29:37
then cultural norms and values. So different cultures have
29:40
unique beliefs about love, marriage, and relationships. Norms dictate
29:45
acceptable expression of love, such as public display of affection
29:48
or familiar obligations. Media representation, we
29:54
watch a lot. Well, I don't want to say we, I don't know if you watch movies, but
29:58
I grew up watching a lot of movies and shows and I
30:02
thought you just get married and that's it. You live happily ever after.
30:06
And it's just not how it works. But
30:10
we watch a two-hour movie, we see them, they're running
30:14
for the plane, they get on the plane and the music comes on and
30:17
we'll be like, oh my God, that's so... And we want that feeling, but
30:21
then it cuts off. We don't know what happens after they got on the plane. We
30:26
don't know. And so we really have to be mindful on...
30:30
how the movies, how the shows, reality stuff,
30:35
how that has influenced us. So
30:38
there's a way to watch a show and that is what it is, is a show. It's
30:42
a way to look at social media. That's what it is. It's a moment in
30:45
their life. It is not their entire life. If
30:49
you're not mindful, if you're not consciously involved in
30:52
your thoughts, you will allow that to take place. So
30:55
really being mindful on the way that you are consuming content
30:59
on the media, like the movies and
31:03
the TVs, and understanding how it's shaping your mindset
31:06
around love. and then romantic ideals. Media
31:10
often promotes the happily ever after, which I just discussed. Narrative
31:14
influence in how we view relationships. The portrayal of love
31:17
as effortlessly. It's kind of like, it's effortlessly.
31:21
There's no intention behind it.
31:25
You know, earlier I said we got to be actively involved. It
31:29
is what it is. You just go, you get up and it's just like, oh my gosh. It's
31:32
like, no, that's not how it works. Because that's
31:36
why relationships struggle. Because if that's the way you kind
31:39
of think about love, and the moment things start going astray,
31:43
you'll be like, wait, what's going on? This is not love. So
31:47
really being mindful of how that shaped
31:50
you. And then the last part of this segment is
31:54
early relationships, right? When
31:57
it comes to your first exposure to love, early relationships
32:01
plays a huge role in it. So foundational friendships, so
32:04
early friendships teach essential social skills such as trust, empathy,
32:08
and communication. Experiences of support and conflict and
32:12
friendship shape understanding of love and connection. So,
32:16
you know, We talked about cultural, societal,
32:20
we talked about family dynamics, and when
32:23
it comes to different type of relationships you've had, right? Because
32:27
you could be like, well, I grew up in a loving household.
32:31
My family was great. How is it that I'm struggling?
32:34
It may have been some of your early dynamics with the friendships that
32:38
you were exposed to. We're in
32:41
our home, but then we go to school and we're in a different environment, right?
32:45
And a lot of that is shaping how we're seeing
32:48
things and how we're viewing things. So not only do early foundational
32:52
friendships, but your first romantic experience, right?
32:56
Initial romantic experiences, initial romantic relationships
33:00
can introduce concepts of attraction, intimacy, and vulnerability. These
33:04
experiences often set the tone for future romantic interactions and
33:08
expectations. So really being mindful of
33:12
some of those elements that may have affected
33:15
you, right? The type of relationship that you kind
33:18
of started in and what did that look like? A
33:22
lot of times, we are not taught how to process life. We're
33:26
not taught how to process things, you know? I'm 43 years
33:30
old and I process everything. It's a way
33:33
that I live. First thing in the morning, I just lay
33:37
there and I just think and I pay
33:40
attention to the feelings and the thoughts that are coming through my mind.
33:45
Some of them, I feel a lot of anxiety about some things
33:48
and I just sit there and I'll take my hand and put it over my chest
33:51
and my stomach and I'll take a deep breath and I'll speak life into
33:55
my life. I think about if I didn't have
33:58
that ability to do that, first thing in the morning as these
34:01
thoughts are flowing through, I'm allowing my thoughts
34:05
to control my day and creating an anxious spirit in me. So
34:10
when I think about these early friendships and relationships and
34:13
the things that may have come up that we didn't process, our
34:17
mind is taking inventory of what's happening. And
34:21
when we have a familiar feeling, what's happening is our
34:24
mind is attaching it. And that's where we begin to struggle in
34:27
some of our relationships, not realizing it's not about what's in
34:31
front of us, but because we have a similar feeling, it's
34:34
feeling heavier than maybe it is the situation
34:38
that might be happening. Let's just
34:41
use an example. If your partner, let's say
34:45
you guys were hanging out together all day and then they were like, yeah, I'm going
34:48
to go hang out with my friends and you struggle with them leaving. You're
34:53
like, oh, well, you don't love me. And it's like, wait, we
34:57
were together all day, like I'm an individual, I'm gonna hang out with
35:00
my friends. That part about you don't love me,
35:04
is it really about that person wanting to hang out with their friends or
35:07
because they are actively leaving, it feels like what happens when
35:11
one of your parents left you, right? They're leaving,
35:14
so your stomach turns because your system and your thoughts is like,
35:17
oh my God, they're going to leave. People leave you. Your last partner
35:21
left you. Your last partner, when they would leave, they would go out
35:24
and do other things, not recognizing that that
35:28
feeling is bringing on these thoughts. If you're not aware of
35:31
it, you're going to find yourself struggling in your relationships.
35:36
Really being aware of these things, Early
35:40
relationships, so learning about boundaries. So early relationships helps
35:43
you understand personal boundaries and respect for each
35:47
other, navigating boundaries and friendships and romances and
35:51
form future dynamic relationships. And then when
35:54
it comes to early relationships, The last part is influence
35:58
of peer pressure, right? So friends can influence perceptions
36:02
of love and relationships, including societal norms and expectations. I
36:06
always tell people, be mindful on who you are talking to about
36:10
your relationship. If you're talking to somebody that's bitter and
36:13
single and you're asking for relationship advice, and they're giving
36:16
you information that is coming up and it
36:20
feels like they're hating or they're being bitter about it. You're asking
36:23
somebody for information from the mindset that they
36:27
have. If they've been hurt, if they've been in hard situations, they're
36:31
going to give you hard information. That's like me struggling with
36:34
my heart and I'm going to the podiatrist and the podiatrist only wants to
36:37
look at my feet. I'm like, but doctor, my
36:40
heart is hurting. It's like, but I'm a podiatrist. I
36:44
didn't study the heart, I studied the feet. So being
36:48
mindful of who you are getting information from, because
36:52
when it comes to peer pressure, you don't
36:55
realize how much the people that you're talking to can influence
36:59
your relationships. Impact of breakups or early breakups
37:03
could shape beliefs about love, trust, and emotional resilience. If
37:07
you had a hard breakup, disappointment and
37:10
you didn't process it, your mind is taking inventory and
37:14
your mind is doing what it's designed to do. It wants to prepare you so nobody
37:17
breaks your heart again. So of course you're gonna go into another relationship
37:21
on edge if you do not process, if you
37:24
do not tell your mind you're okay. Your mind is only gonna look
37:28
for evidence that will confirm that somebody might
37:31
leave you so then you might find yourself self-sabotage and
37:34
not realizing that's what you're doing. Role
37:38
models and examples, so observing friends' relationships can be part
37:42
of the way you may have experienced
37:47
what love may look like. And then the cultural context, so
37:50
cultural background influences how your friendships and romantic relationships are
37:55
perceived and formed. And so all of
37:58
these things put together, right, that
38:01
we just talked about, the early relationships, the
38:05
cultural norms, your family dynamics. We
38:09
talked about all of those things and how if
38:12
you put them together, there's pieces that could
38:15
be influenced in how you are looking at love, how you
38:19
are looking at relationships, right? I know you haven't
38:22
been really looking at it on a conscious level, but I'm hoping with this episode,
38:26
you can start looking at your dynamics on a conscious level,
38:30
looking at, okay, I realized because this
38:34
happened, that might be why I feel this way about this.
38:37
And I can have a conversation about it. I can journal about it, right? All
38:41
right, so let's just take a deep breath. We're going to go into our homework assignment. Um,
38:47
if you want to go deep diving into like
38:51
understanding yourself and love, this is a great homework assignment
38:54
that I'm going to assign to you. So I want you to reflect on your
38:58
first experience of love. And again, um, you can
39:01
download the PDF. so that you can actually look at the
39:05
content or actually replay this or look at your notes if you've been
39:08
taking notes. Reflecting your first experiences of love, we
39:11
talked about the different ways that love, and you can
39:14
go through each of the categories if you really want to go
39:18
deep. Write down three memories that shape your
39:21
understanding of love. What was your first memory of love?
39:24
How did your family express love
39:28
or the people that you grew up with? And
39:32
then how do these memories influence your current
39:35
relationships, right? Not
39:39
just romantic, look at all the relationships. How do you think this influences our
39:43
relationships? When people are struggling in one area of a
39:46
relationship, I noticed there's a pattern in other areas. So
39:52
that is the homework assignment. If you want
39:55
to, let me just stop sharing this. If
39:59
you want to get the
40:03
book too, this is a great book, All About Love. It's
40:06
on Amazon. But this is a great book to like read
40:11
and follow along with as we're going through the series. And
40:17
things may come up that may feel hard, right? It's
40:21
okay. The things that come up that feel hard, remind
40:25
yourself, I'd rather know than not know. Because the things
40:29
that are coming up, it's not like they're new things, they're just buried deep down
40:32
inside. If you want to start having power over
40:35
your life, you got to accept, you got to be aware of
40:39
what is happening, but understand that it may be hard,
40:42
you may have to put it down. It's okay. If you start going
40:46
through some early memories and realizing, oh, this is why this
40:49
is happening and you're feeling emotional, It's okay. Sometimes
40:53
when people start crying or feeling emotional, they're not used to it. They're like,
40:56
oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I was like, are you sorry for being human, right?
41:00
Are you sorry for having a human experience? So
41:04
I want you to not judge yourself. I want you to be aware, but
41:07
not judging yourself around what's coming up for
41:11
you. If you wanna find me,
41:14
let me go to that slide. You can find me on all social media
41:18
platforms. Let me go to that other slide. STWYT.com,
41:23
so I have a wellness center in Stoughton, Mass. So if you're ever looking for somatic classes
41:27
and you're in the area, go to STWYT.com. Celeste
41:32
the Therapist, I have a personal page and a podcast page. One is
41:35
just straight Celeste the Therapist. One is Celeste.the.therapist. And
41:40
then TikTok Celeste the Therapist. And I just started a business page,
41:43
STWYT. And then obviously you can find me on YouTube. The
41:48
websites are celestetherapist.com and STWYT. The
41:52
next two episodes, what are we talking about in this series? We're
41:56
going to talk about the struggle of love and relationships, a
42:00
really good one, and then we're going to talk about cultivating self-love
42:04
and healthy relationships. That is our series and
42:08
I'm really excited about it. Actually, I have two books and
42:12
I don't have the other one in front of me, but this book right here behind me
42:15
is a guided journal. 365 days of intentional living.
42:19
If you are looking to work on getting your
42:22
thoughts out and checking in
42:25
with how you're feeling, that's a great journal. I also have a
42:29
book called Relationship Goals. I created it. I named
42:32
it Relationship Goals because I would see people in their relationship pictures
42:36
and be like, Relationship Goals hashtag, and I'm like, it's a picture. So
42:40
I broke down eight different sections on what is relationship goals,
42:44
what that looks like. And it involves communication
42:49
and talking. And I use my life and my relationship as
42:52
an example throughout the book. So thank you all
42:56
so much for watching or listening to me, whichever you're doing.
42:59
I hope this was helpful. I hope this makes sense. And until next time, beautiful people,