Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 43 - Men's Mental Health Month- Revisiting JR's Story Part 1

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Ep. 43 - Men's Mental Health Month- Revisiting JR's Story Part 1 · Shared Light

• Speaker 2: Greetings all. Welcome to another episode of Share Light with Dustie and JR. Dustie. Speaker 1: I am obviously JR. And I'm Dustin. Speaker 2: First the elephant in the room. You're gonna hear our dogs in the background going nuts. It's been kinda busy with puppies and dogs and trying to keep everybody separated, so we do apologize. that Speaker 1: And I said, we are Speaker 2: continuing our revisiting of some stories. November is also Speaker 1: Mental health month. So we are going to be revisiting my story, some of my demons. Speaker 2: Goes with that. Speaker 1: Saying that we've had a long journey, a long journey, so please enjoy. feel free to reach out and connect with us via our website www.shared lightpodcast.com. We do have a shop section, all of our social medias are on there if you want to connect with us. enjoy and we will catch you on the next one. JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Welcome to another episode of Shared Light with Dustie and JR. I'm obviously JR. and I'm Dustie. So let's get into it for this episode. Dustie and I thought it would be beneficial as we know this is a new podcast and we know. our viewers may or may not know who we are or why we lean towards the topic of dark and light. We wanted to give you guys a chance to learn a little. So with that, I think it'd be beneficial. I can start maybe with my story. So a little bit about me. And maybe this will be a lot about me for this episode. Grew up as a single child. My parents were extremely hardworking. My dad was extremely hardworking. My mom worked, you know, at times two jobs, which as a child, don't, you don't recognize the struggle that they put forth into. allowing you to have the things that you have. always a very we get lost in our perception of the environment that we grew up in, which for me was at times very lonely. I felt very alone in the world for a long period of time. I did grow up with a... There was a total of six of us growing up as kids. so I got a lot of cousins that we grew up, all similar of age. It was not a bad childhood at all. As I said, my parents worked extremely hard. I will say that it was a different time in the era that I grew up and that did include, you know, some physical discipline at times. violence begets violence and my mom grew up in a household that was... very violent. So that's what she knew for discipline. And sometimes that manifested in maybe me getting a spanking, maybe me getting slapped. But never anything that I would consider extreme or over the top. and I don't hold any ill will in the way that I was raised. It was the time, it was what they knew, was how parents discipline their kids in those times. perspective on that right varying perspective right I think for everybody so so again it's not and that's not the point of this I don't think that that is anything that contributed to my eventual choices and some of the paths that I went down on later in my adolescence but it does give you some perspective on You know, I was raised, my dad was strict. My dad was no nonsense. You know, it was very... You're going to be respectful. You're going to be a man's man. You're going to not show weakness. My dad is very stoic. My dad is very disciplined. My dad is great. He is a huge hero of mine. I do see the struggle that he endured as a child to get to where he ended up in life. So it's not lost on me that the discipline they learned would be the discipline that they would issue out. Whether they feel it was necessary or not is irrelevant. you know, later on life, their methodologies and ideologies changed with other kids that ended up, you know, my, my brothers and sisters that came along a while after, I was 17 or 18 when, my parents adopted two other little boys and, love them dearly, but the way they approached their, childhood was way different than the way mine was. That said, going back to me being a kid, You know, growing up as an only child... is a perspective on life. it can put you and it did for me anyway, put me in a position where I always had a desire to feel included, I guess. I always had just a general underlying feeling of being an outsider of whatever group, whether it be my cousins, whether it be my other family, whether it be be it what it may be, it was always a general feeling of being on the outside, kind of looking into the relationships that they all had. And I don't know what those perspectives are either, but that was my perspective on my childhood was it was always a feeling of maybe not being good as good as them. You didn't have a circle like a sibling. group has or right or even just two siblings like you kind of have this inclusion of each other automatically like from the get-go it's me and you or us like there was four of us and in my family growing up so like we always had each other like even if two of them didn't want to play one of them did or you know what I mean so you always had somewhere to go with somebody or something to do with somebody else So it's a whole different perspective when I think it's just you and you're doing things alone and you're experiencing things alone and your cousins, I think all of them pretty much had siblings, right? So they all had that circle and you didn't. So I think that's where you feel. Not included and it does and it is again at times. It's very lonely. It does force you to I shouldn't say a general, every child feels this way that is an only child. It forced me to really. start to build a... a want to. always do something to ensure that I was accepted. It built a very underlying, overwhelming feeling of needing to do more to feel included in whether it was friends groups or my cousin's groups or the way I perceived my grandparents, the way I perceived my aunts and uncles, you some of those things. And it led to some situations where I grew very close to certain individuals in my family because they did allow me to feel that inclusion. you know, I guess they allowed me to feel that love, I guess is the way, the best way to put it. They included you. They made you feel like a sibling and not just a cousin or a... And so I had some really close relationships with a couple of my cousins. I had a really close relationship with my grandfather. treated all of us kids the exact same. It was not a favorite here or there. He was very loving to all of us the exact same and I never felt cast aside maybe the way I did with other individuals in my family. Not to speak ill will of anybody, that's just my perception and how I felt. It may not be what they intended, it may not be their perception at all, but that is at times how I felt in my childhood, right? So moving along as you grow up in that environment, as you grow up with that mindset, Obviously you start doing some things. to feel cool, feel included, to feel. to connect and stand out from others. Which led me to begin doing some things that... are not desirable for kids to do. I started drinking at the age of 12. first stealing liquor from my parents in their liquor cabinets. Actively would steal things from the store again some of that Initially was just to to be the cool guy that that hey you can come over to my house and we'll get drunk or or You know, I've got this for for our little friend group or whatever it may be And I feel like with addiction, which is where we're headed, right? Some of the darkness and a lot of the darkness that I talk about is very tied to that loneliness I felt and that addiction that I ended up getting really heavily into and being a. So with addiction, feel like it starts that way sometimes. It really starts as fun as, you know, the thing that you're doing to be included, that thing that you're doing to show that you're the big shot. Yeah, everybody's doing it. Yeah. And for context, the area that I grew up in, back then. I mean, I grew up with some individuals that, you know. may or may not be seen as unproductive people of society, is the politically correct way of saying it. But you know, I've got a lot of friends that grew up doing things that they probably shouldn't have been doing. a part of that as well I was an individual that was doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing so you know at the age of 12 I friends coming over my parents don't know we're still in booze we're doing whatever It's fun. we get into, you know, a pretty tight net little group and it turns into, you know, just based on the area that they were growing up in here in town and, who I was connected to here in town. You know, we, got really tied into a lot of the gang activity that was going on during that time in, in, in Caldwell where I'm from. Right. So, And it's not to say that this, you know, it's LA, it's not LA, it's not the project, it's not anything super crazy, but we did have a pretty... impactful gang scene when I was growing up that be it the small community that it was, it still did impact a lot of what ended up happening down the road in my life. So at 12 we're doing this, know, 13, 14, we're starting to get into the mix of what gangs were back then doing some of the stupid things that kids do. You know, and at age 15, one of my very good friends is stabbed to death at a party. game-related which I did not know how to deal with it the time. I mean, that's just the way to, the blunt way of saying it. I didn't know what emotions to have. didn't know. how to deal with those emotions. was a really good friend of mine that I grew up with from the time I was in grade school all the way to this point in time. And he happened to be killed by... people that were really connected to me, it was people that they were hanging out with. Rival groups, essentially. And during that same time, I had another friend who was shot with a 12 gauge standing outside of a store. Ultimately, he was okay, but his family decided to move and get him out of the situation that we were all starting to find ourselves in. So at, you know, 15. friend just dies, know, another friend gets shot. you're hanging out with a group of guys that may or may not have been responsible for or at least people they're hanging out with may or may not been responsible for. So there's a lot of. There's a lot of emotions already and a lot of things that you're going through at that age. But it also. this compounds that, right? So I got more aggressive, more angry, more just lost in what was going on at the time. And... started drinking. started experimenting with, you know, time nothing major but it was It was looking back now, I think, way for me to cope with a lot of the circumstances that were going on around me, which can sound like a cop out, it is the only thing that makes sense to me now looking back. So that same year, I am in high school. trying my best to navigate that whole dynamic. I'm in a welding class in high school. my welding teacher collapses on me, falls over, found out he had a massive heart attack while I'm there, right? So I essentially caught him as he died. Paramedics came, the vice principal came, did CPR. That's all very traumatic for a kid my age. And then... think it was a month later, possibly two months later. My grandfather is hit by a car crossing the street in town. hospitalized for a period of about four or five. he ends up passing me in the room, the family in the room. So a lot of very traumatic experiences in a very short time. And the one thing that I remember is by this point I am. I don't understand what dark is, I, at the time, but I am starting to. to look at. circumstances in a very negative light. and it It's hard to. to look back now and think. why did I make this choice? Why did I make that choice? But at the time it it felt very much like it was the only thing for me. So the night my grandfather dies. cousin of mine comes over. And he's two years older-ish than I am. tells me, you need to get out of the house. You a lot of shit going on. Come over to my house. Go over to his house. He's having a party. Of course, we start drinking. We start smoking weed. And it was at this party that him and another group of guys. start talking to me about heavier drugs You only get your mind off of it. You need to unwind, relax. You've had a lot going on, blah, blah. So it was at this party, I believe, that it was the first time I did mushrooms and And I didn't necessarily like the feeling per se, but I do remember vividly that it was the first time in many months that I just didn't feel. which At that point in time, it was like relief. Yeah. So. It's like a weight lifted for a little while. And very much, mean very much that's how it felt. just felt like. when you have a weight on you and you can finally just exhale. and It was... great. I mean it was it felt for the first time and like I said a few months it felt Like I didn't have to think about all the shit that was going on around me. And I'm sorry for cursing, but it was very much just, finally it was just a little bit of peace. which is dangerous when you're that age. because it creates a frame of reference and a point of reference to let you know that this one thing can make you feel better. At least in this instance, right? It made me feel a little. So. As kids will be kids, obviously from this point on I get introduced to more illicit things. I'm casually dabbling in multiple substances and doing other things and really just trying to. cope with the feeling of loss. as I stated as a youth there was only really a few people that I got really really like what I felt close to that made me feel. part of our family unit. And my grandpa was one of those. So when he passed... It was... like a part of my family, if not all of my family had also gone with it. Because at that point I now felt again like alone yeah. So, and I obviously wasn't, you my parents were still around. I still had friends, cousins, everything. the perception for me was I was alone in the world. your security is gone. Yeah. So and it's at this point. Well, I was already starting to see things in a very negative light. It was at this point that I can honestly say the dark started to really come into my life. And when I talk about dark. Again, it's the addiction, it's the feeling of loneliness, it's the feeling of solitude, it's the feeling of... just. overwhelming feelings of anger and frustration and and basically a hate for for the world. which I mean can all be tied back to just grief. Yeah. That you don't know how to process, think. Grief and trauma. mean, at a young age, you don't really know how to process trauma. Like there's loss. And then I think it adds a new level when there's, you lose someone traumatically. And yeah, I mean, I guess. Death is unnatural anyway. It's natural, but it's very unnatural thing to see. The fact that I did have a friend that had passed affected me, but I don't think it affected me near as much as the day that I was in the room and saw my grandpa take his last breath. Because I can still remember, I had nightmares about that for months and months and months. because it's not something that. as a 15, 16 year old kid, that's not something that you're thinking about at all. Yeah. Well, and it's not a natural thing for the everyday person to see either, you know, unless you're in the medical field or, you know, things like that, but it's not something that just every day you go about your day and it's like a normal occurrence, you know. So I'm starting to really just feel that. of just... almost a disdain for the world. Life's not fair. God hates me. You know, the gambit of desperation with, and full disclosure, you I was an atheist for a really long time and this is one of those situations where I think that. that added credibility to my belief that there was no God, because how could God do some of these things, right? and you know, two, three-ish, four-ish years later, I'm still not, like, I'm just getting deeper and deeper into this mindset of self-destruction, trying to be that guy, that fun-loving guy that everybody loves and the whole time feeling like... Get on. And it just leads you further and further into a spiral of... of again, self-destruction and things that you're doing on a daily basis that eventually lead you to two of the places that I was gonna end up. I mean, it's an eventuality that you're going to end up in one of these two places. So. It was probably. the age of about, I would say I was probably 19. first time I tried crystal meth. part of this whole spiral of trying things. that more than any other substance that I have. experiment with, you know, been exposed to. I will say solidifies your dark. That to me is... the devil's hand in hand. And I will say that till the day that I pass, it is in very deep addiction with crystal meth that I hallucinated speaking. to Satan at times. It made me a person. I mean it totally changed who I was as a person. Totally. 100%. I became... I became the dark. I became one of those people that... I mean, you read about, I was a monster. There was, to no end, I can tell you that there was things that I was capable of in addiction, in that mindset, that are not me at all. And it's one of those things where... I don't think that people who have never experienced addiction understand that it does. consume your soul to a And it's a scary place to be. I mean, I had, I was lucky enough to have two parents that. that I put the ringer through with this hole. But they... They did not back down. throughout. experience they were very they were very interesting and you know my mom instances where she it felt like she gave up but also was not shy. And it was hard. mean, it was, was, it's, it's one of the most. It's one of the loneliest and scariest times I think that I've ever been through. I can honestly say that I have seen hell. And if that's what it is, I truly do not wish that on anybody because you're in despair. You're scared. You're alone. You don't. You don't know how much longer you're gonna be here. don't know. You don't know what your can do to you in that that circle. of being addicted to something that strong to have something that take over your to have such a strong hold over everything that you value, that you think you believe, that you think you're capable or not capable of doing. I mean, this wipes all of that off of the. It is. something that completely changed my character. It was an event in a part of my life that has completely transformed everything about me in every single way. Good or bad. but. it very much let me understand. the nature of the world. Which is scary. You know, here, where we live specifically in the States, you know, specifically in our community, it's, it's not scary by any means. It's not unsafe by any means. Yes, there's, there's little things in here and you know, reading recently through some of the ethics classes and things that I've been doing, reading on some topics that, that happen outside of our, our, our scope and our bubble. I think is surprising for some people, but for me it's just not that surprising. And some of the documentaries that we've seen recently. It's lost on me how dark. And everybody has their own, you know, their own story to tell when it comes to addiction and when it comes to dark. experiences dark. people are lucky if they don't ever have to go through anything like that. I do think that inevitably dark finds everyone at certain aspects of their life. maybe not to the extremes that some of us go through, but it does, I think, take a hold on people. I think there's different levels of dark. Almost like a white to black spectrum, you know what I mean? I think there's just different levels of that darkness that people can and do experience. Some are just a lot deeper than... So, you know, fast forward. to 2002. still very much. doing what I'm doing in terms of addiction. Starting to, well not starting to, I think through the whole time I was in addiction, I was already kind of doing stupid things and taking more chances than I probably should have been. end up getting into a car crash, long story short. getting arrested for possession. and it was scary. had never been, I had been lucky enough up to that point to not get in any real serious trouble. But I remember the feeling of going to jail for the first time and thinking all of the horror stories that you read about and see on TV. having a quick realization of. this is what my life has become. And then getting into county and realizing that it's not what you think it is and thinking to yourself. no, this isn't scary at all. Which is also not a good thing at that junction, right? Because at that point, now I really have no fear. Because up until this point, your fear, your gauge is... you don't want to to jail. That's kind of your edge. You've never been. scared. don't know what it's like. I get arrested. My dad bless his heart. could not stand the thought of his son in jail, bonds me out of jail. I get out of jail. I'm out on bail. Almost completely forget because at the time there was some some weird laws and happening around here where where. Essentially they had to prove that I was under the influence when I wrecked to validate them searching my car at the time. So it was really weird and I forgot. I put it out of my mind, you you're lost in addiction. You're at this point, you're feeling like, oh, I just got out of jail. I'm Mr. Big Shot. I'm not. And I have to present myself in court for the DUI because they couldn't formally keep me in for the possession charge. I go into court for the DUI and you know, side note here, then this is just a side note, bit of advice for anybody out there, regardless of criminal activity, no criminal activity, do not ever go to court without a lawyer. No, no, no, no, no, no, gives them the probable cause to search the car and do all of the other things and everything else kind of. I mean this confirms everything else essentially. the judge says, yep, know, for the DUI you gotta find, you gotta do a victims panel, all that stuff that kinda comes along with the DUI, your license is suspended, you already did a night in jail so I'm just gonna do. it was like a sealed program you know work for whatever go pick up trash on the side of whatever they do these days as I'm walking out of the courthouse though I get arrested by... marshals there. And I initially didn't know why I was being arrested. I didn't know, well, now you have a warrant out for your arrest, yada, yada, yada. Again, back to jail. And again, my dad could not stand the thought of me being in jail, so he instantly calls the bondsman, gets me out of jail. And at this point... It's a felony drug charge. My dad decides like, you're not gonna just go and plead guilty to this, because they're gonna send you to prison, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we hire a lawyer, and I have an excellent attorney that represented me every time I got in trouble. But again, this adds to that ego of... I can do what I want. I can get away with it. It creates a different mindset in that dark of a scary one. Yes, because now I can get away with this shit. Now I now it's it's succeed. Yes, right. So. You know, I go ham. I really started just. You know, at this point I'm Smoking meth. I'm not even just snorting it which may not sound different to people that don't use, but there is a difference in the way you transmit it into the body. creates a different. And you'll hear that a lot, even with people that do cocaine and smoke crack, is that it's different. It's more addictive, and it does hit you differently. And then once you start injecting and doing some of those things, it changes everything, which is one thing that I will say that even through all my darkness, I never did go that route. And a lot of that is just because I'm afraid of needles. Otherwise it may have gone that route. so I am going ham. I am out on bail. I do have to do the whole court thing. I know that my attorney is great because he had represented previous family members and gotten them off extremely light. And he did, same for me. I mean, he didn't get me off. I did end up pleading to that felony, but the jail time was like 60 days and we're. And at the time I was working overnights, so it was not a big deal for me to just come and sleep at the jail. And I did, I did the 60 Days in Work release. The whole time in work release I'm still doing drugs and doing this and doing that, because they're not really gonna check me, right? and I get out of jail. and get on probation. For anybody that's been on probation, you understand, or parole, or whatever it may be, you understand that when you first are introduced to it, they monitor you pretty close, but that's very dependent on what your charge is and kind of your background. Well, at the time I was a pretty good student, know, previous. I hadn't been in any real trouble. I was just a dumb kid. The possession charge was serious, but it wasn't violent. wasn't, you know, it wasn't anything that they thought was dangerous enough to really monitor. So, you know, I'm seeing my probation officer like once every other And again, the mindset in the dark is, now I'm Mr. Sneaky, right? Now I can beat this. I just caught a felony charge. I only did 60 days. I'm good. It's not a big deal. I'm untouchable. And. I functioned that way in 2002 till... in 2002 it must have been around. getting arrested. So. June or July. I'm still sneaking around, I'm doing everything I was doing previously, not really even trying to slow down. I'm just doing it smarter, right? I know when I have to my PO, I know when I have to take a drug test. But you're still engaging with a lot of the. the shady individuals that you are, that you deal with in this lifestyle. So long story short, someone gets mad at me, someone does whatever, I don't even know the whole story, but a distant cousin of mine and an associate of hers. may not have liked me, whatever it may be. They call my PO and tell my PO that I'm threatening to my So they come in and raid my moms house Keep in mind that same person I had just... earlier in the day. We had done drugs. She knew that I had. So I get woken up, you know I'm working graveyard, so I get woken up, answer the door to a pistol right on my head. initial thought was like this is it. I burned somebody and they've come to get me. And then I see the badge and realize real quickly that this might almost be worse in this situation because I'm in my parents house. They are again, they have recently adopted and have two kids in the house. and I in my infinite wisdom, thinking I'm Mr Sneaky. hidden. So they come in. And I'm pissed. I mean, I'm angry. How dare they? So I'm yelling back at them, I'm being uncooperative, they're running a drug dog through the house and... my one of my mom's friends at the time. sheriff. So they ultimately find the drugs in the house. It's a brand new charge. They have to call the sheriff to come and formally arrest me because this is just probation and parole that is in the house. But with a new charge, they have to actually get the sheriff involved. And the guy who shows up is one of my moms friends. And as soon as I saw him, I mean, I calmed down because I knew who he was. And I have no reason to be angry at him. So he starts asking me what happened. I don't really say a whole lot. just tell him, look, you need to get these people out of here before my parents get home. And he books me, takes me to jail, be it the whole song and dance. at this point in time. I don't know why I got, I mean, I know why I'm being arrested right now, but I don't know what happened to initiate them coming. come to find out that when I do go to court, they set my bond. because they had received word that I was threatening to an injure. So they're not, I mean at this point I'm a threat, right? I'm not just some random drug addict, I guess. my dad I mean he tried he could not stand the sight of his son being in jail but he tried but at this point in time my mom did disown me that she had just adopted. My dad stood by me the entire time. Could not get me out of I get that that scary feeling of well now I'm actually going to be in jail for an extended period So I was in jail from you know June July year, was two years, was four years, indeterminate, was the sentence. But... the judge here in Caldwell was going to retain jurisdiction, which means they send you up to a program. If you do good in the program, they let you out. But I still have to go to court for the violation on the other drug charge. So there was no guarantee there that, and that to me was a scary time because I distinctly remember on top of the drugs that they found in the house, well, my dad had guns in the house. And as a person with a felony, I am not allowed to have firearms in my vicinity. So. It's... My lawyer comes to me... at initial sentencing or initial, I think it was one of our pre-trial courts, one of the very first courts that we went through. And he said, well, the prosecutor's offering you, if you plead today. They will only, you will only need to serve seven years of a 25 year term. And I. Sunk I'm like what what like 25 years like this isn't even he's like well You know you're being charged with two counts of a possession of a firearm All these drugs. mean it was like I think it's all like ten charges, and they were dropping like two And I told him, I don't know, like you are out of your mind if you think that I am going to plead to that. And he's like, well, I'm okay. Like, that's fine. I work for you, so I'm required by law to give you what they offer. guns aren't mine like they're not like at that point like I'm just scared out of my mind I'm gonna spend the 25 years So it. It was scary. It was extremely scary. guess one of the benefits to growing up in the area that I did and with some of the people that I grew up with is that when I got into the jail, into actual general population, a lot of my friends were there. So it was like, at point, there friends of friends or acquaintances or people that know of me or that I know of. so at that point, you're not near as terrified. you're still very much alone. And I think at that point we'll stop part one of my story and we'll continue it on the next one.