Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Dealing With Toxic Family This Holiday?  Try Grey Rocking

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Dealing With Toxic Family This Holiday?  Try Grey Rocking · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks, Happy Thanksgiving. It is Thursday, November twenty seventh.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: And how are you holding up at the house with
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: some of those relatives. How many glasses of wine are
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: flowing right now? Is Uncle Ted on his third beer?
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Is and Lucy on her second margarita and our explosive
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: conversation starting to happen. Well, we have a full proof
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: method for surviving that foolishness. And with that, welcome to
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: this episode of Amy and TJ Robes. You said this
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: is something I do, but I didn't know there was
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: a name for it.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Yes, as soon as I started reading about a sort
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: of communication tool that can help protect you in moments
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: of potentially toxic and explosive conversations, you can do something
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: that a lot of experts have named gray rocking. And
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: when I read the description of what gray rocking is,
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: I thought, DJ does this every day.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: Okay, now what you just described, did you piece together
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: just based on the name what they were talking about?
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: No, I heard.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: When I read the description of what gray rocking is,
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: I actually started laughing. So basically, I like the idea
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: behind it. So it's a tool they say that involves
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: being less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Okay, less engaged during an emotionally toxic interaction.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Right. It's become a they call it a like a
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: pop psychology phenomenon. It's not something that necessarily you learn
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: when you go to school to become a psychiatrist or
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: a psychologist, but it's become something. A mental health blogger
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: coined the phrase that's who they're giving credit to back
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: in twenty twelve, and it just exploded on social media
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: as things tend to do when someone says something that's funny,
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: that has kind of a cool name and reson and
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: this one resonated with a lot of people.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: So here is Here is what it basically is.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: You respond to comments, a goating comment, perhaps something that's
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: trying to get you to have a reaction, with a
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: blank expression and a calm, neutral tone. You basically imagine
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: that you're a dull gray rock.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: It sounds almost like you're just ignoring the person you're listening.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: This is more of your You're not ignoring them, but
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: you're ignoring their emotion. You're not reacting to that explosive thing,
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: which then, in my experience, makes people go crazy.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: It one hundred percent does So when you and I
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: were just friends, I definitely saw you use this tool
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: with other people, but I had never been the recipient
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: of it. And then when we have had some tense
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: moments over the years, when you are the recipient of it, man,
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: you feel it. It's and it does. It makes you
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: crazy because you want someone to match where you are.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: You want someone to spar with you, to be as
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: emotionally invested as you, and when they aren't, it is
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: remarkable what that experience is like.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I've never known this to be a thing or a tool.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know where it came from. With me, It's
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: just how I'm built. I never react to somebody's emotion,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you know, I don't as crazy as things get. I
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: don't yell, I don't scream.
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: I don't. That's just not how I handle anything.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: And somehow that's scarier.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: I just I know it's you know what, it's always useless.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Always I think it's pointless. It's a waste of energy.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: And if somebody's doing that, I never want to match
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: that energy. I can't out yell you, I can't out
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: emotion you.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: So do your thing, but that takes so see to me,
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: and they talk about this, we'll get into it. It
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: for most of us that takes a tremendous amount of
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: restraint of discipline. And while you could have it probably
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: with some people, other people that it's much more difficult
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: to be able to feel the emotion you're feeling on
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: the inside and not show it or express it on
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: the outside.
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: Maybe I don't feel the anxiety.
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: That's that I was just gonna ask you, get what
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: I'm saying.
• 4:27
  Speaker 3: Get what I'm saying, all right.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: So they actually give if you know that you're walking
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: into a family dynamic that could possibly be explosive or
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: filled with tension, or you've been dealing with it today
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: and you have the weekend still to get through, they
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: actually give people some really good tips on how to
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: use the gray Rocking method, and a lot of it
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: starts with preparation. So they say, before you even go
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: to the dinner, before you go to the event, before
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: you go to the family gathering, repeat a mantra that
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: might allow you to tap into a gray rock mindset,
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: whatever that is, like I am calm, I am I
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: am gray, I am dull, I am boring, Like you
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: literally tell yourself, I am not going to be interesting wow,
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: Because it's also about making yourself uninteresting to talk to
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: if you want the conversation to end and you don't
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: want to be rude, or you don't want Aunt Linda
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: to come up and ask you ridiculous, probing questions. If
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: you're really boring, she'll move on to somebody who's more interesting.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: And that's the concept that.
• 5:37
  Speaker 4: Almost sounds like you're being rude.
• 5:38
  Speaker 3: Well you just have, so, yes, there are. That's why
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: they give you tips.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: Okay, so you part of this is also changing your voice,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: like have a flat effect. They say, a neutral tone
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: in your voice, so you don't so you're not like,
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: oh my god, hi, because that's inviting someone to come
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: talk to you, or it probably wouldn't invite you to
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: come talk to me. But you're just basically like this,
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: which is kind of boring. Okay, limit your eye contact,
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: it's not a problem, and only give brief, disinterested replies. Basically,
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: they say it's not fun to talk with somebody who
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: has a blank expression and doesn't seem to be absorbing
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: what you're saying.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, now, is this a tool you're supposed to use
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: when it's someone who is coming at you, like if
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: you're in an argument with a mate.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: Is this a good mat is different? We'll get into that.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: This is about This is about family members who you
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: don't have to see on a regular basis. So these
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: are people who you might have to see once a
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: year or twice a year.
• 6:45
  Speaker 4: But what if they're.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Talking to you about something they're genuinely excited about and
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: you're not interested in. Shouldn't you just lend your ear
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: for something they're so excited.
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: About, not if you want to get out of the conversation.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: So they said, this is I like this. Think of
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: yourself like the sky. No matter how bad the weather,
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: no matter how violent the thunderstorm, the sky is not
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: damaged in any way.
• 7:11
  Speaker 4: Oh my Christ.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: But some of this does take some mental preparation. You're
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: not buying it.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I am well the mental preparation. I think you lost
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: me a little bit. I get what you're saying. I
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: think it's very difficult. Like people are listening, like, give
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: me a real tool, and you really want me to
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: walk into Thanksgiving with the two kids in the back,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: and I'm carrying this damn cast role and I'm supposed
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: to go.
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: I will be boring. I will be boring.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I will yeah to repeat a mantra, I I don't
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: think that's a tool.
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: That most people are going to you. So what else
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: do you got?
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: Okay, so they gave they gave an example. So Uncle
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: Bob gets you in the corner and starts talking politics.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: Okay, in previous years, you probably would have taken abait.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: You would have gotten.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Into some kind of an argument that escalated, maybe even
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: into a shouting match. But this time, when you're gray
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: rocking and he says to you something just totally incendiary
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: about politics, this is what they suggest you do, interesting opinion?
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: How's work?
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: Like?
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: You just don't take the bait.
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: You switch the subject, but you keep your answers really short,
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: you're not rude. You acknowledge what they just said, and
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: then you completely pivot. And if they're not going to
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: get out of you what they want out of you,
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: they'll move on to find somebody. I mean, everyone's got
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: an uncle like this. He's like hey, and just loves
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: to poke the bear. And you know you got to
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: walk away. But how do you do it? And how
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: do you not take the bait?
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: You know what we're talking about families and Thanksgiving now.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: But man, if you use that same tool at work,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: you could cut down on some of the most toxic
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: things that happen in a workplace.
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: Gossip.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Right, somebody can't wait to start talking about something a something.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, I didn't hear about that, But what
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: time is the meeting of mark?
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: Don't engage in foolishness, and you know the foolishness as
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: soon as you hear it, pleasantly acknowledge.
• 9:07
  Speaker 4: It and move on.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: That is exactly what they're suggesting. And but I do
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: appreciate this what we were talking about earlier.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: Everyone.
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: I read several articles about this, and they all acknowledged
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: even if you're able to not respond emotionally, you don't
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: give that emotional rise it. It doesn't mean you're not
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: feeling something inside. So they're like, you're not going to
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: change how you feel on the inside, but you absolutely
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: can practice changing how you react on the outside, and
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: that makes it That's what makes it effective. So they
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: say that, you know, this can be incredibly difficult, especially
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: if someone's hitting your insecurities going right after what your
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: triggers are, and it sounds so easy what you're going
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: to and then when someone says exactly the wrong thing.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: It's very hard in that moment to remember to acknowledge
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: how you're feeling on the inside, but to not show
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: it on the outside.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: You know, how would you poke me? You know my
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: triggers are well, it's my insecurities. Would you know how
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: to poke me?
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't do it publicly? Wow, I might know and
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: I still wouldn't do it. Like, I also wonder what
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: people's motives are when they choose to go in that direction.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: It must be a feeling of insecurity on their end,
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: like they want to feel superior and they know how
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: to take you down a notch. It's interesting though, I
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: touched on this when you mentioned the two of us.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: They absolutely say, do not use this technique and a
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: romantic relationship. It will absolutely backfire completely. These are the
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: only techniques that you can use for folks who you
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: have a distant relationship with someone, because that's not how
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: you show up for a loving relationship. You don't just disengage.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: It's not that you not acting emotionally or reacting emotionally
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: isn't a bad thing, but they say it's not a
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: way to get a romantic partner to behave Differently, like
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: if you think somehow I need to know you care.
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: I need to know you care. So I think this
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: is here's the quote from the psychiatrist. It's not something
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: you do in a relationship that you want to maintain.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: You only do it in short bursts and relationships where
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: you have no choice but to maintain contact with this
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: person in an environment.
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you're forced.
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: To coexist with someone at work or at the family meal,
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: but it's not someone who you're investing in.
• 11:30
  Speaker 3: A long term relationship with.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: Okay, you asked me if i'd like to see how
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: you handle a couple questions. I came up with just
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: a few to see if I can trigger you. So
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: we'll have your your response when we come back. All
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: the holidays are upon us. It is Thanksgiving Day everybody,
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: and man, aren't you just enjoying your family that you
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: haven't seen for months? And now you're all together in
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: one room with lots of food, maybe some kids running around,
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: probably some alcohol flowing.
• 12:12
  Speaker 3: What could possibly go wrong?
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: It has been fun to read some coping mechanisms, some
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: articles that always pop up this time of year, psychiatrist
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: psychologists trying to help all of us handle the stress
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: of the holidays.
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: And perhaps the.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: Toxic relationships that we only have to confront or deal
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: with a couple of times a year, this being one
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: of them. And one of the communication tools they suggest
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: you can use is something that has been colloquial come
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: to be known as gray rocking.
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: Were you familiar with that term at all?
• 12:45
  Speaker 4: I heard it?
• 12:46
  Speaker 3: Neither had I.
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: It was I'll just call it TJ in.
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: Yes, TJ is.
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: You're never rude, and they're not suggesting that this is rude.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: It's just letting someone know that you're not going to
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: go there, and that's okay thing. I think this actually
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: has a lot to do with boundaries and learning how
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: to make them, but more importantly keep them.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: You're very good at that.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, because I don't know. I don't know
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: where that comes from and why and just time and
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: experience and we just don't I don't know. We've been
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: using this line a lot the past several days, that
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: honesty is one of the kindest things you can grant
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: to somebody, and just I don't know, I don't mind
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: being straight with somebody. I'm never rude about it. But
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: you always say this to you, baby, it's not stop
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: trying to figure out what I mean. I clearly state it.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: So that's just it's just that most people don't.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Most people talk around things, they suggest things, they hint
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: at things, they talk in circles.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: They are anything but direct.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: So yes, you are consistent, consistently direct, which is not
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: something that most of us, I think, are used to.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: But all right, so look, you're at Thanksgiving and someone
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: comes up to you because.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: I know some of the things you don't don't want
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: to answer.
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: Uh huh, So hey, DJ, long time, No see you doing.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: I like what thank you? I like what you did
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: with that ring for Amy? How did you propose?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: You know, that's something we just keep into ourselves right now.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: It was very proud, but we haven't even told our parents.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: But you probably won't be the first to know.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: That's probably gonna be my cue to leave, because if
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: I did have a followup, it was like, wow, it's
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: that's I saw the headlines.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: It's massive. How much did that sucker cost?
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: Oh, my goodness, more than I care to reveal.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: All Right, Hey, I know, I know, I'm really happy
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: for you and Amy. I'm I'm happy y'all are engaged.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: But man, sure you want to get married a third time.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm actually looking ahead to my fourth marriage. This
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: is just gonna hold me until then.
• 14:56
  Speaker 4: Were they going to say? I mean, what are they
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: gonna go? Thank you? Was icond to figure that out?
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: All right?
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: I got one more for you, Hey, TJ?
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: Who are these people in my family gathering that all
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: speak to me with? Hey? Wow? It's just a bunch
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: of women in gig eyes?
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: I guess, Hey, all right, how's that podcasting income compared
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: to when you were that big time network anchor?
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: Oh it doesn't even compare. It's not even close. And
• 15:27
  Speaker 4: you leave it there right.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, So I need you'd be fine because
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: you practiced this daily, if not hourly.
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: You know what, You've met my mom. She's a smartass,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: and I think that's where it comes from. She has
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: this crazy quick wit and she's dead paining.
• 15:43
  Speaker 4: You never know. You don't even know you've been insulted
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: till maybe the next day. What did you say?
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: The moment I met your mom?
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I knew immediately where you got your your quick wit
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: and your personality from. I mean, you've got some elements
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: of your dad and you, for sure, But man, your
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: mom and you told me she doesn't talk much, but
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: when she does listen.
• 16:05
  Speaker 4: I guess we all become our parents in some way
• 16:08
  Speaker 4: of each other.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Because part of the tactic of this communication tool is
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: to not say much, to say much less.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: And that's probably a good thing.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Because, as my mama always told me, everyone's favorite subject
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: is themselves.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: Maybe I don't do well. People always think I'm outgoing,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I'm this extropt I don't like having to engage. I
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: don't and people I enjoy. But when you put me
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: in a big group where there's some expectation that you
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: need to be engaged rather than just if you want
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: to or not, I struggling. And usually in the groups
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: we're in, there's some expectation that we're supposed.
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: The whole court.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, but I have learned that it is valuable
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: to just turn the questions back around and get cre
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: cious about that person, even if they're annoying you. Maybe
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: especially if they're annoying you, because if they're talking about themselves,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: you're not having to talk about yourself period. Well, we
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: hope you all are enjoying your Thanksgiving on this Thursday,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: and hopefully you can use this tactic in WOW there's
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: going to be several Christmas parties, holiday parties, more gathering,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: so we got weeks left of all of this festivity, so.
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: Just use it at the office next week.
• 17:27
  Speaker 3: That's true. You could always use that as well.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: All right, thank you everybody for listening to us. I'm
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Amy Roboc alongside TJ. Holmes.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: We will talk to you soon.