Latest / Raising Daughters / “I’m Ready to Go Home”. How Girls Can Let Go Of Toxic Friends, Dating Partners, and Beliefs

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“I’m Ready to Go Home”. How Girls Can Let Go Of Toxic Friends, Dating Partners, and Beliefs · Raising Daughters

0:04
Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
0:08
Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
0:11
Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
0:14
Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
0:17
Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
0:21
Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
0:24
Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
0:27
Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
0:30
Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
0:34
Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
0:37
Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
0:46
Speaker 2: Welcome back, friends and happy New year. Doctor Tim Jordan
0:50
Speaker 2: back here with you with a podcast that I think
0:53
Speaker 2: will be of interest to you and your daughters because
0:59
Speaker 2: it's a good time of the year as we embark
1:01
Speaker 2: upon the new year to look at anything that we
1:04
Speaker 2: might want to let go of it may not be
1:07
Speaker 2: serving us. And I was I was instigator. This podcast
1:11
Speaker 2: was instigated by a story that was told in my
1:15
Speaker 2: yoga class recently by our yoga instructor who my wife
1:18
Speaker 2: and I love, and she said she was at her
1:21
Speaker 2: Thanksgiving dinner with the family, including Grandma ninety three years old,
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Speaker 2: and the family had just sat down to eat and
1:30
Speaker 2: had just begun to eat, and like five to ten
1:33
Speaker 2: minutes in, Grandma suddenly said I'm ready to go home.
1:38
Speaker 2: And there was just kind of a stoppage from everybody.
1:42
Speaker 2: Everybody gasped, and I think there was probably I wasn't there,
1:46
Speaker 2: but I'm guessing there was a whole bunch of different
1:49
Speaker 2: reactions to Grandma saying I'm ready to go home, much
1:53
Speaker 2: of which was probably like, oh my gosh, she's just
1:55
Speaker 2: this old lady, she's disrespectful, blah blah blah. And I thought,
1:59
Speaker 2: right initially heard the story was good for her because
2:03
Speaker 2: what she was saying was I'm to the point in
2:06
Speaker 2: my life or I don't care what other people think.
2:08
Speaker 2: I'm gonna let you know how I feel. I'm gonna
2:10
Speaker 2: set some boundaries, I'm gonna ask for what I want and
2:14
Speaker 2: I'm done with this. And we can argue all day
2:18
Speaker 2: about was there a better way to do that, whatever,
2:21
Speaker 2: But what I want is to take away the message
2:24
Speaker 2: of this is what I want for your daughters. I
2:28
Speaker 2: want them to have the kind of hutspa, the kind
2:32
Speaker 2: of courage that allows them to set boundaries and to
2:35
Speaker 2: let people know I'm done with this because way too
2:40
Speaker 2: many girls that I work with in my counseling practice,
2:42
Speaker 2: my retreats, my summer camps, school programs, way too many
2:46
Speaker 2: girls hang on to toxic friends, toxic dating partners, toxic
2:54
Speaker 2: beliefs about themselves. So I'm going to talk about those
2:57
Speaker 2: areas of their life that I want our daughters to
2:59
Speaker 2: have the to be able to let go of, for instance,
3:04
Speaker 2: at a weekend we can retreat. Recently, these are great
3:07
Speaker 2: school girls. Third fourth and fifth graders, we did our
3:11
Speaker 2: across the Line exercise where they all start out on
3:13
Speaker 2: one side of the line. We throw out these categories
3:17
Speaker 2: like cross the line if you have a sibling, and
3:19
Speaker 2: if you do, you crossover, and if you don't, you
3:21
Speaker 2: stay and just wait, and then everybody gets a sants
3:24
Speaker 2: to see who has that in common with me. So
3:27
Speaker 2: we started with things like that and softballs if you will,
3:31
Speaker 2: and then we start going into some more things like
3:34
Speaker 2: cross the line if school is hard for you, cross
3:37
Speaker 2: the line, if it's stressful in your home, cross the line.
3:42
Speaker 2: If you've ever you ever think that you're stupid and
3:46
Speaker 2: not very smart. Cross the line if you've ever been
3:49
Speaker 2: left out by a friend, tease by a friend, betrayed
3:52
Speaker 2: by a friend. And those friendship ones are always fascinating
3:58
Speaker 2: because when we ask those questions, but who's been excluded,
4:01
Speaker 2: who's been left out, who's been criticized, who's been made
4:04
Speaker 2: fun of, who's been bullied, etc. Ninety to of the
4:09
Speaker 2: girls crossover. And I don't think they're crossing the ord
4:13
Speaker 2: because everybody else is. Because we talk about that. They
4:16
Speaker 2: cross over because most of them have experienced that kind
4:18
Speaker 2: of thing, even by the time they're in fourth fifth grade.
4:22
Speaker 2: So what happens is somebody doesn't treating them well at
4:26
Speaker 2: school or out of school. They get teased, made fun of,
4:30
Speaker 2: left out, lots of different ways that they're mistreated, if
4:34
Speaker 2: you will, but not treated in the way that they deserve.
4:37
Speaker 2: And they're so afraid of setting a boundary with that
4:41
Speaker 2: person because they're worried about losing them as a friend.
4:45
Speaker 2: If I set a boundary, if I tell them I
4:47
Speaker 2: don't like the way they're treating me, they may go away.
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Speaker 2: And not only might they go away, they may take
4:53
Speaker 2: the whole group, and then I've got nobody, and if
4:55
Speaker 2: I have nobody, I'm gonna be alone. And lonely, and
5:00
Speaker 2: girls will fight that like the plague. They don't want
5:03
Speaker 2: to be alone. I mean, nobody wants to be alone,
5:05
Speaker 2: but especially where your girl in grade school, middle school,
5:08
Speaker 2: high school. So they oftentimes don't have the courage to
5:13
Speaker 2: walk away from a toxic friend. They just put up
5:15
Speaker 2: with it. So those friends may ridicule how they're dressed,
5:19
Speaker 2: they may leave them out, talk about them behind their back,
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Speaker 2: spread rumors about them, gossip about them, turn people away
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Speaker 2: from them, betray their trust, constantly pushing them to take
5:31
Speaker 2: sides when there's an argument between two of their friends.
5:35
Speaker 2: And that's a tough one because again, they don't want
5:38
Speaker 2: to lose that friend. It's the tended to befriend thing
5:42
Speaker 2: that's been widen too our girls. It's widened to females.
5:45
Speaker 2: It's been wired to connect, it's been wired to be
5:48
Speaker 2: part of a group, because being left out of the
5:51
Speaker 2: group back in prehistoric times, you weren't going to survive.
5:54
Speaker 2: You would die. So girls whould do a lot of
5:56
Speaker 2: things to stay connected. So so I want them to
6:06
Speaker 2: make choices for themselves based upon what's right for me,
6:09
Speaker 2: what feels right to me. I deserve to be treated
6:12
Speaker 2: well because I love myself. I want to make sure
6:17
Speaker 2: that people treat me the way I deserve, and that's
6:19
Speaker 2: hard because sometimes they're not, and again they're so afraid
6:22
Speaker 2: of losing friends. There's a really nice metaphor that I
6:26
Speaker 2: read somewhere a while back about walnut trees as opposed
6:30
Speaker 2: to marigold flowers. Nothing grows underneath walnut trees, but everything
6:36
Speaker 2: tends to be attracted to marigolds, insects, birds, et cetera,
6:40
Speaker 2: because they give so much to everybody. And I think
6:44
Speaker 2: it's a great metaphor because so often girls are trying
6:48
Speaker 2: so hard to be included in this one group, the
6:51
Speaker 2: popular group, the pretty girls quote unquote, who really aren't
6:55
Speaker 2: open to them, but they keep pushing and pushing and
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Speaker 2: getting disappointed when all along there are lots of nice
7:02
Speaker 2: mirror goals all around them who would be great friends,
7:05
Speaker 2: but they're so locked into I want to be part
7:07
Speaker 2: of this group, this popular group that gets all the attention.
7:12
Speaker 2: You've heard me talk before about making a list, having
7:18
Speaker 2: your daughters make a list of the qualities that are
7:22
Speaker 2: important to them, even like at this last weekend, I've
7:25
Speaker 2: done it hundreds of times with the girls. Sit down
7:28
Speaker 2: with someone who they don't know very well, and who
7:31
Speaker 2: also they've judge is being different from them, or like
7:34
Speaker 2: in a weekend retreat, are different from my usual friends
7:39
Speaker 2: people are usually hang out with, And so they may
7:42
Speaker 2: find somebody who they're really sporting and into a lot
7:45
Speaker 2: of sports and I'm not. So we have them say
7:47
Speaker 2: with that kid, and then we say, so, you've sort
7:50
Speaker 2: of prejudged people a little bit. That's common, but I
7:54
Speaker 2: want you to spend five minutes finding all the things
7:56
Speaker 2: that you have in common with that person, ready said.
8:00
Speaker 2: And after five minutes of them talking back and forth,
8:04
Speaker 2: we go around the room and each pair presents all
8:07
Speaker 2: the things they found they have in common, and every
8:09
Speaker 2: pair has found five to ten things that they didn't
8:14
Speaker 2: know because they didn't take the time to get to
8:16
Speaker 2: know that person yet, because they were judging them about
8:20
Speaker 2: one piece of that person. So I think oftentimes girls
8:26
Speaker 2: do that they prejudge people on a first impression, when
8:30
Speaker 2: in reality that person has a lot more to them
8:32
Speaker 2: that they could connect with. You've heard me talk before
8:35
Speaker 2: about having girls make a list of the qualities of
8:37
Speaker 2: a really good friend. We called a BFF qualities list
8:41
Speaker 2: Best Friend Forever, And they make a list of things like,
8:45
Speaker 2: they include me, they don't make fun of me. We
8:49
Speaker 2: have similar interests, we both like sports, we both like art.
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Speaker 2: I want somebody who is trustworthy. I want someone who's respectful.
9:00
Speaker 2: I want someone who treats me the same when we're
9:03
Speaker 2: just the two of us together versus when they were
9:05
Speaker 2: in the group. On and on. So they make their
9:07
Speaker 2: own list of what's important to them and a best friend,
9:10
Speaker 2: and then we have them look for people in their
9:14
Speaker 2: lives who match the list. Girls at school, girls in
9:18
Speaker 2: their soccer team, girls in their neighborhood. And if they
9:23
Speaker 2: do that, what they will do is they will find
9:25
Speaker 2: people who who are mature, and who are inclusive, and
9:28
Speaker 2: who are kind and respectful, the things that most girls
9:31
Speaker 2: will put on that list to look past the other
9:34
Speaker 2: stuff that's less important than what is really important to you.
9:39
Speaker 2: And so I think having an idea of what you
9:42
Speaker 2: want and what's important to you is important upfront. And
9:46
Speaker 2: there are some people who you're not going to match
9:48
Speaker 2: that list. That's the other thing that happens when girls
9:51
Speaker 2: make that list, as they figure out, Wow, some of
9:53
Speaker 2: the people I hang out with do not match the
9:54
Speaker 2: list at all. Thus they may be people I might
9:58
Speaker 2: want to let go of just like like the ninety
10:03
Speaker 2: three year old grandma, I was like, I'm ready to
10:05
Speaker 2: go home, I'm done with this. Sometimes maybe time that like,
10:08
Speaker 2: you're done with these friends because you deserve to be
10:10
Speaker 2: treated better. The same thing holds for their dating partners.
10:16
Speaker 2: When I work with girls who are in high school,
10:21
Speaker 2: so many of them have boyfriends who are just not
10:24
Speaker 2: great partners. And part of it is just their age immature,
10:29
Speaker 2: but they but they put up with a lot of abuse.
10:32
Speaker 2: Abuse meaning the boys who aren't respectful, boys who pushed
10:38
Speaker 2: them more than they want to be pushed, just don't
10:42
Speaker 2: respect their boundaries in lots of different ways. There was
10:46
Speaker 2: there's a girl at one of our weekend retreats this
10:49
Speaker 2: year who had been dating this boy off and on
10:53
Speaker 2: for a year and a half and it was obvious
10:56
Speaker 2: to the whole room that this guy was a total
10:59
Speaker 2: that was going to say a bit, we're just a
11:00
Speaker 2: total whatever, And of course she deserved better than that.
11:04
Speaker 2: But she had a hard time with leaving him, with saying,
11:08
Speaker 2: you know, I'm ready to go home, I'm done with
11:12
Speaker 2: this because because of her history. One of them was
11:16
Speaker 2: that her parents had gotten divorced when she was younger,
11:19
Speaker 2: and her dad doesn't see her very often. He has
11:22
Speaker 2: a girlfriend, and his girlfriend has some kids, and so
11:25
Speaker 2: he spends more time there. So this girl has started
11:27
Speaker 2: to feel unlovable, not good enough, What's wrong with me?
11:33
Speaker 2: Why does my dad you know, spend time with me?
11:35
Speaker 2: And her belief has become it's because of me. There's
11:38
Speaker 2: something wrong with me. I did something wrong. I'm not
11:40
Speaker 2: good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not whatever. Because
11:44
Speaker 2: of that, when a boy says, oh, you're so beautiful
11:48
Speaker 2: and starts to sweet talk her, she is so vulnerable
11:52
Speaker 2: to then giving herself up. She has just need to
11:56
Speaker 2: feel attractive because of that obelief of not being loved,
12:00
Speaker 2: not being wanted by her dad, not spending time with
12:03
Speaker 2: her after the divorce. I see that with a lot
12:07
Speaker 2: with girls with different stories reasons why they give up
12:12
Speaker 2: too much to boys, put up with way too much
12:15
Speaker 2: for boys, because they want so badly to have a boyfriend.
12:18
Speaker 2: They want to be wanted. And one of the things
12:22
Speaker 2: I help them to step back from and start to
12:24
Speaker 2: look at is what might be more important than being
12:28
Speaker 2: wanted is what do you want? How do you want
12:33
Speaker 2: to be treated? And if they can make a list
12:36
Speaker 2: of that or have ideas about that, and their dating
12:40
Speaker 2: partner doesn't come forward and it can't provide that because
12:43
Speaker 2: because of all their reasons, then it may be time
12:46
Speaker 2: to leave the Thanksgiving table. It's time to go home,
12:50
Speaker 2: it's time to be done with that. That's hard because
12:54
Speaker 2: that goes against their that goes against the part about
12:59
Speaker 2: I don't deserve better. So they need to work on themselves.
13:03
Speaker 2: They need to work on their deserveability. They need to
13:07
Speaker 2: understand that the reason why they're feeling that they're not
13:11
Speaker 2: good enough and all that, that that was some faulty
13:14
Speaker 2: beliefs that they made up because of other people's behavior.
13:17
Speaker 2: It happens a lot with friendship stuff as well. That's
13:20
Speaker 2: the other thing that girls need to let go of
13:23
Speaker 2: and move on from any limiting beliefs that have taken
13:29
Speaker 2: on because of the adversities that they've been through, because
13:32
Speaker 2: of the ways that they've been treated from past experiences.
13:35
Speaker 2: So if they get ditched by their friend group in
13:38
Speaker 2: fifth grade, like you, into their heads, they start to
13:41
Speaker 2: say why they're leaving me, why don't they include me?
13:44
Speaker 2: And then they end up with their own private logic
13:45
Speaker 2: saying maybe it's because you're not good enough. Maybe you're
13:49
Speaker 2: not cool enough, maybe you're not pretty enough, maybe you're awkward,
13:52
Speaker 2: maybe you're too shy, too loud, whatever. They come up
13:55
Speaker 2: with all kinds of reasons why they have to do
13:57
Speaker 2: with them, when the reality is there's nothing to do
13:59
Speaker 2: with them. It has to do with grade school, middle school,
14:02
Speaker 2: just girl drama. Girls trying to exert their social power,
14:05
Speaker 2: and they do it a lot of times in inappropriate ways.
14:09
Speaker 2: So they've picked up beliefs about themselves that they need
14:12
Speaker 2: to walk away from the table, from the feelings of
14:16
Speaker 2: being unwanted, unlovable, not good enough. Girls who I see
14:21
Speaker 2: who's who have a hard time in school because of
14:23
Speaker 2: some learning issues or add or whatever, start to think
14:25
Speaker 2: that they're stupid because they look at the people saying
14:28
Speaker 2: next to them who are getting their work done in
14:30
Speaker 2: you know, in half the time and do way better,
14:33
Speaker 2: and they start to think, I guess I'm not very smart.
14:35
Speaker 2: I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm less than these other people,
14:38
Speaker 2: and even worse, I'm gonna have a crummy future because
14:41
Speaker 2: of that. Ough need some work in letting grow of
14:45
Speaker 2: those beliefs and moving on from those beliefs to be
14:48
Speaker 2: done with that because it's not true. It's just not true,
14:52
Speaker 2: and I talk to them about why it's not true.
14:56
Speaker 2: So those limiting beliefs are a really important thing for
14:58
Speaker 2: them to start to walk away from, to reframe and
15:04
Speaker 2: to figure out and to become aware of the truth
15:07
Speaker 2: about why those things have happened. They have nothing to
15:10
Speaker 2: do with them, are nothing to do with them being
15:13
Speaker 2: less than to being stupid, or being unwanted or unlovable,
15:18
Speaker 2: or not good enough or not pretty enough or whatever.
15:20
Speaker 2: Those things are not true. If they don't reframe those,
15:24
Speaker 2: if they don't leave those behind, they will take them
15:27
Speaker 2: to middle school, they'll take them to high school, they'll
15:30
Speaker 2: take them to college. They'll take them with them for
15:32
Speaker 2: the rest of their lives, and it will affect how
15:35
Speaker 2: they show up socially. So that's a really important thing
15:42
Speaker 2: for them to be done with. And if I want
15:47
Speaker 2: them to say I'm ready to go home, meaning I
15:49
Speaker 2: want to go home to who I am and my
15:51
Speaker 2: old beliefs about me when I was a little kid.
15:53
Speaker 2: I wasn't thinking that step when I was a four
15:54
Speaker 2: year old running around like this care free kid. So
15:58
Speaker 2: I want to go back to that. We do an
16:03
Speaker 2: exercise we did this past weekend with some great school girls.
16:07
Speaker 2: I've done it in schools, I've done it and retreats, camps,
16:09
Speaker 2: et cetera, where everybody sits in a circle on the
16:12
Speaker 2: ground and then we have them close their eyes and
16:14
Speaker 2: visualize a way that they feel different in a way
16:18
Speaker 2: that they don't like. Sometimes we feel different, but we
16:21
Speaker 2: like being different in that way. But there's ways we
16:23
Speaker 2: feel different where we feel like we judge ourselves, like
16:26
Speaker 2: I wish I wasn't that way. And then they open
16:29
Speaker 2: their eyes and we go round the circle, and one
16:30
Speaker 2: at a time they share. And this past weekend we
16:33
Speaker 2: heard things like I feel different because I wear glasses
16:35
Speaker 2: and none of my friends do. I feel different because
16:38
Speaker 2: I have to take a medicine because of my add
16:41
Speaker 2: I feel different because school is hard for me. I
16:44
Speaker 2: feel different because I don't have a dad in my life.
16:47
Speaker 2: I feel different because my parents are divorced. On and
16:50
Speaker 2: on and on and once you go around the circle
16:54
Speaker 2: and al everybody almost always shares. Sometimes somebody will say
16:57
Speaker 2: I don't want to share. We'll say that's okay, you
16:59
Speaker 2: don't have to, but we'll come back to you. Because
17:02
Speaker 2: usually by the time we get around the circle, they
17:03
Speaker 2: see it's okay, and then they'll share, and then almost
17:07
Speaker 2: always they want to go around the circle again and
17:12
Speaker 2: share another way that they feel different and it's nice.
17:16
Speaker 2: What they'll say is I always felt like I was
17:19
Speaker 2: the only one who felt this way. I always feel
17:21
Speaker 2: like I was the only one who had this negative
17:23
Speaker 2: stuff in my head about feeling different. So I feel like, Wow,
17:28
Speaker 2: maybe it's not so weird, maybe it's okay. I don't
17:31
Speaker 2: want to feel that way. I don't want to feel
17:32
Speaker 2: negative about it, but I get that I'm not the
17:34
Speaker 2: only one, and that sense of I'm not the only
17:36
Speaker 2: one is so so important for them. So I want
17:41
Speaker 2: them to let go of that belief that the they're
17:44
Speaker 2: the only ones who feel that way, the only one
17:46
Speaker 2: who has experienced negativity are our adversities, because that can
17:51
Speaker 2: hold them back as well. And then kind of going
17:54
Speaker 2: along with what I've been talking about, is I see
17:57
Speaker 2: so many kids today who carries different labels. Gosh, we're
18:01
Speaker 2: so quick to label kids in this culture. Your kids said,
18:05
Speaker 2: and all of a sudden they have a diagnosis of depression.
18:08
Speaker 2: They're anxious because of something going on their lives, and
18:10
Speaker 2: all of a sudden they have an anxiety disorder ADHD,
18:15
Speaker 2: depression o c D. Labels sometimes can allow kids to
18:22
Speaker 2: get services, but I think sometimes they're labels that don't
18:25
Speaker 2: really fit, and the kids start to over identify with
18:28
Speaker 2: the label. It's like, I am these labels, I am
18:32
Speaker 2: a d D, I am not very smart. That's what
18:36
Speaker 2: becomes a problem. I want them to let go of
18:39
Speaker 2: that part of it. If if they have struggles in school,
18:44
Speaker 2: of course I want them to get help. If it
18:45
Speaker 2: means having a label of a learning disability, okay, But
18:49
Speaker 2: I don't want them to identify with it like that's
18:51
Speaker 2: who I am. That's who that's that's that's who I
18:54
Speaker 2: am as a person, that's my future. That part I
18:56
Speaker 2: want them to let go of. I want them to
18:58
Speaker 2: leave that at the the things giving table and be
19:01
Speaker 2: done with that. I heard a really fun story, excuse me,
19:08
Speaker 2: about a girl who was always complaining that her life
19:11
Speaker 2: was not very great. Her life was miserable, she was
19:13
Speaker 2: tired of struggling. She had apparently experienced a lot of adversities.
19:19
Speaker 2: Her dad happened to be a chef, so one day,
19:22
Speaker 2: when she was complaining, he took her into the kitchen
19:26
Speaker 2: and he put three pots of water on this different stove,
19:30
Speaker 2: on the what you would call it, and he turned
19:33
Speaker 2: on the ward to hide, so that he had three
19:35
Speaker 2: pots of boiling water. And in one pot he put
19:38
Speaker 2: some potatoes, baked potatoes, and one he put some eggs.
19:44
Speaker 2: In the third pot he put some ground coffee beans,
19:48
Speaker 2: and then he and his daughter watched them boil, even
19:51
Speaker 2: though she was kind of impatient. After about twenty minutes,
19:55
Speaker 2: he took each of those things out of the boiling
19:57
Speaker 2: water and he said, what do you see And the
19:59
Speaker 2: girls said, well, I see, you know, potatoes, eggs, and coffee.
20:03
Speaker 2: And the dad said, I want you to look a
20:04
Speaker 2: little bit closer. The potatoes had gone in hard and firm,
20:12
Speaker 2: and they came out really soft and mushy. The eggs
20:17
Speaker 2: had gone in with a with a you know, a
20:20
Speaker 2: nice soft inner, but when they came out they were
20:22
Speaker 2: hard boiled. They were hardened. The coffee, on the other hand,
20:27
Speaker 2: was different. The dad said, take a sip of the coffee,
20:30
Speaker 2: and she did, and she said, Dad, I don't understand
20:32
Speaker 2: what was this mean? And the dad said, all three
20:35
Speaker 2: of those objects faced the same adversity, the boiling water,
20:39
Speaker 2: but each of them reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, unrelenting,
20:45
Speaker 2: but in the boiling water it became soft and weak.
20:49
Speaker 2: The egg was fragile, with a thin outer shell protecting it.
20:52
Speaker 2: It's liquid on the inside. But but then inside the
20:56
Speaker 2: egg became hardened. But the ground coffee beans that were
21:02
Speaker 2: exposed to at blowing water, they changed the water and
21:06
Speaker 2: created something new. And the dad said to his daughter,
21:10
Speaker 2: when adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
21:16
Speaker 2: Do you respond like a potato, an egg, or a
21:19
Speaker 2: coffee bean, Because how you respond is much more important
21:24
Speaker 2: than the adversity that you're facing. Which one are you? So?
21:30
Speaker 2: I don't want girls to become hardened. I don't want
21:32
Speaker 2: them to be scared, anxious and all that because of
21:35
Speaker 2: some limiting beliefs. I want them to learn to as
21:40
Speaker 2: best they can change the environment around them, and to
21:45
Speaker 2: not let it cause them to have some faulty beliefs
21:47
Speaker 2: about themselves. Those belief systems are really really important. Our
21:54
Speaker 2: thoughts are really really important. I see a lot of
21:57
Speaker 2: girls who who are letting themselves be run by shoulds
22:01
Speaker 2: and half tos, and they get really bummed out by that.
22:08
Speaker 2: Sometimes they get they get into power struggles because they
22:11
Speaker 2: feel like everybody's making them do things. I have to
22:13
Speaker 2: do my homework, I should do this, I should be
22:16
Speaker 2: on this team because my sister was. So I have
22:19
Speaker 2: them get quiet and think about and access their intuition
22:24
Speaker 2: and their inner world and say what do I want?
22:29
Speaker 2: What's right for me? Because if they can change shoulds
22:34
Speaker 2: and half tows to one two's, then their whole attitude
22:38
Speaker 2: will shift. They'll get much more out of whatever they're doing,
22:41
Speaker 2: they'll put more into it. That means they have to
22:44
Speaker 2: know themselves, be able to access their intuition, their inner
22:47
Speaker 2: knowing of what feels right, and become more inner directed.
22:53
Speaker 2: And then when they do that and they don't feel
22:55
Speaker 2: like their life is about half twos and shoulds, and
22:58
Speaker 2: then they're much happier. They're much more care free because
23:01
Speaker 2: they've let go of that. They're done with that attitude.
23:06
Speaker 2: If you will, everybody's making me do these things as
23:08
Speaker 2: opposed to I'm choosing to do well in school, I'm
23:12
Speaker 2: choosing to study, I'm choosing to do whatever because I
23:15
Speaker 2: want to because of my reasons. Oh so important. Let
23:24
Speaker 2: me end here with just a couple of thoughts and
23:26
Speaker 2: then also a story. My thoughts are when kids let
23:31
Speaker 2: go of those things that have become have to's and shoulds.
23:36
Speaker 2: When they let go of things that they're doing only
23:38
Speaker 2: because they're so afraid of losing friends, are for the
23:43
Speaker 2: things we have talked about in this podcast so far.
23:46
Speaker 2: When they let go of that and start operating out
23:48
Speaker 2: of what do I want and doing things for their
23:51
Speaker 2: reasons and setting boundaries and letting go of toxic friends
23:55
Speaker 2: and toxic dating partners. When they do that, they become
23:59
Speaker 2: much more happy, and they freed up a lot of
24:04
Speaker 2: time and a lot of energy and a lot of
24:07
Speaker 2: emotion for life, because otherwise their brain is always thinking
24:13
Speaker 2: about those friends, always worried about what's going to happen
24:16
Speaker 2: tomorrow at school, What are people thinking about me? Why
24:20
Speaker 2: doesn't my boyfriend call me? All those things. They spend
24:23
Speaker 2: so much energy and so much time with those negative
24:25
Speaker 2: things that there's not so much time left for what
24:28
Speaker 2: do I want? And that's a muscle that needs to
24:32
Speaker 2: be worked in order to strengthen it. Setting boundaries, reframing
24:37
Speaker 2: negative beliefs, being in charge of what you think about yourself,
24:41
Speaker 2: being in charge of your story about what adversities are
24:43
Speaker 2: going to mean for you, and being able to set
24:48
Speaker 2: boundaries and then see what happens, because most of the
24:51
Speaker 2: time they don't lose all their friends. They might lose
24:55
Speaker 2: a friend who doesn't like being held accountable, but they
24:59
Speaker 2: most of the time they don't don't lose everybody. And
25:03
Speaker 2: and the girls I work with in essence don't care anymore.
25:08
Speaker 2: It's like they feel so much happier when they're not
25:10
Speaker 2: tied down to this toxic person. It frees them up,
25:15
Speaker 2: so they're ready to go home. They're done with this,
25:19
Speaker 2: and that feels so liberating. It provides more energy for
25:23
Speaker 2: the things that they want to do and the people
25:24
Speaker 2: they want to be with. So I want them to
25:28
Speaker 2: notice that what really happens when they do when I'm
25:32
Speaker 2: asking them to do. Let me finish with a story.
25:38
Speaker 2: One day, this there's a at this pond, all the
25:42
Speaker 2: frogs decided to have a contest. There's a there's a large,
25:46
Speaker 2: like thirty foot high pole that extended from the middle
25:49
Speaker 2: of the pond. It was like a flagpole, and so
25:52
Speaker 2: they they said, let's see who can climb to the
25:55
Speaker 2: top the fastest. And so you know, a couple dozen
25:59
Speaker 2: frogs jumped into the pond started climbing up this pole.
26:02
Speaker 2: But it was hard. It was kind of slippery, and
26:05
Speaker 2: you know, they weren't really meant to climb a pole,
26:07
Speaker 2: and so a lot of them kept sliding back down
26:09
Speaker 2: into the water. And then all the frogs are watching
26:12
Speaker 2: started criticizing and saying things like, you're never gonna get
26:15
Speaker 2: the top. You're a frog. Frogs aren't meant to climb
26:18
Speaker 2: like that, and that kind of negativity kept going on on,
26:21
Speaker 2: and the frogs, one at a time slid down and quit,
26:25
Speaker 2: except for one little frog. She kept going, and the
26:29
Speaker 2: people still were criticizing and discouraging her by saying, you can't,
26:34
Speaker 2: You're not gonna make it. I know you're getting tired.
26:36
Speaker 2: It's too hard. Nobody's ever gotten to the top before.
26:39
Speaker 2: Why should you, You're just a little frog. But this
26:41
Speaker 2: frog kept going and going until finally she reached the top,
26:46
Speaker 2: and then the frogs all cheered and screamed and croaked.
26:49
Speaker 2: And when she came down, she, you know, she swam
26:52
Speaker 2: over and everybody huddled around her and they're like, how'd
26:55
Speaker 2: you do that? Nobody else could do it, how'd you
26:57
Speaker 2: do that? And they discovered that this little frog was deaf,
27:04
Speaker 2: So she didn't allow that negativity to enter her thoughts.
27:11
Speaker 2: That's what I want for your daughters who may be
27:13
Speaker 2: bogged down and discouraged and lacking confidence because of what
27:17
Speaker 2: they've taken on from friends, from teachers, from the educational system,
27:23
Speaker 2: sometimes from their moms and dads, from life experiences, from adversities.
27:27
Speaker 2: I want them to let go of those. I want
27:29
Speaker 2: them to be ready to go home to their real self,
27:34
Speaker 2: their true self, to reality. I want them to be
27:38
Speaker 2: done with those people, those things, those experiences, so it
27:43
Speaker 2: doesn't bog them down. I want them to have the
27:46
Speaker 2: courage to do that because I know it will make
27:49
Speaker 2: them more confident and happy and fulfilled. This might be
27:56
Speaker 2: a good podcast to listen to with your daughter and
27:58
Speaker 2: then have a discussion about it. Thanks so much for
28:01
Speaker 2: coming by here. I hope these you're helpful. If you
28:05
Speaker 2: have questions, visit my website at www dot d R
28:10
Speaker 2: Tim Jordan dot com. Send me questions at my email
28:15
Speaker 2: d R Tim at Dr Tim Jordan dot com. If
28:17
Speaker 2: you have questions that you want me to talk about
28:19
Speaker 2: on the on these podcasts, comments, whatever, feel free to
28:23
Speaker 2: do that. Also on my website at Dr Tim Jordan
28:26
Speaker 2: dot com. There's all kinds of resources you can look
28:29
Speaker 2: at our camps, our weekend retreats, our school programs. I've
28:33
Speaker 2: written seven books on and on, so I I appreciate
28:38
Speaker 2: you checking those out. And I also appreciate you passing
28:40
Speaker 2: these podcasts on to your friends. I really do so.
28:44
Speaker 2: I hope you're having a good start to your new year.
28:47
Speaker 2: I hope this was helpful. I will see you all
28:49
Speaker 2: back here in a week. Thank you, as always, so
28:51
Speaker 2: much for stopping by.
29:00
Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
29:03
Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
29:06
Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures, challenges, and
29:09
Speaker 1: opportunities of modern life. If you want to become a
29:12
Speaker 1: more effective parent, keep listening to the show at doctor
29:15
Speaker 1: Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you
29:19
Speaker 1: build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
29:21
Speaker 1: in the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
29:25
Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
29:29
Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.