Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 187. What To Do When The Physical Attraction Is Lacking.. And How To Maintain It In Your Marriage

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187. What To Do When The Physical Attraction Is Lacking.. And How To Maintain It In Your Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

0:00
Amy: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
0:07
Amy: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
0:16
Amy: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
0:24
Amy: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
0:42
Nick: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy and today's episode is on physical attraction and how to stay physically attracted with your spouse.
0:53
Nick: We get a lot of people, believe it or not, emailing us that or messaging us saying, man, I'm just not physically attracted to my spouse.
1:00
Nick: How do I get attracted to my spouse, or what can I?
1:03
Nick: You know what's wrong with me or what's wrong with them?
1:08
Amy: And a lot more questions we'll bring up in a minute.
1:11
Nick: Yeah so, but before we dive in, we want to start out by doing a fun, would you rather, from the Ultimate Intimacy app.
1:18
Nick: If you haven't downloaded the app yet.
1:19
Nick: What are you?
1:21
Nick: I mean, what are you thinking like?
1:22
Nick: Man can't have a, can't have a fun and exciting life without the Ultimate Intimacy app.
1:28
Nick: Well, I guess you partially could.
1:30
Nick: All right today's.
1:31
Nick: Would you rather question from the conversation?
1:36
Nick: Starter section is would you rather have your parents walk in on us or walk in on you while you're making love, or have your kids walk in while you're making love?
1:48
Amy: Oh my gosh, but like I can imagine at anybody answering it as their kids, no way would I want my kids to walk in.
1:57
Nick: I don't know Parents.
1:59
Amy: That's never happened in our 21 years of marriage.
2:00
Amy: We are good there.
2:01
Amy: We lock the door, no one's seen anything, no one's gotten messed up Well same, but would you rather have?
2:09
Amy: I would rather well, I would rather have my parents walk in, absolutely Like they're already.
2:16
Amy: I don't know, they're just they know what's going on.
2:20
Nick: They're just your parents right.
2:22
Amy: That's why I'm going to screw them up like it's going to mess kids up right.
2:25
Nick: We've already had that happen with a parent, a couple of times already.
2:30
Amy: It was dark, though I mean it depends like what we're talking about too, that could be really bad.
2:35
Amy: If it's like in the middle of the day and they see weight like that, I don't even want to think about that.
2:39
Amy: That's awful.
2:40
Nick: That's an awful question that brings up great points.
2:43
Nick: It depends when is it?
2:45
Nick: What do they see?
2:46
Nick: What's yeah?
2:48
Amy: It could be catastrophic.
2:49
Amy: I don't want to see any, I don't even want to think about that.
2:52
Nick: Anyways those are some of the questions you get in the would you rather section of the app, the ultimate intimacy app.
2:58
Nick: So there are some fun ones.
3:00
Amy: There are some really fun ones, but it will definitely start a conversation right, which is the whole point of it is to start a conversation.
3:06
Amy: So, jumping into today's episode on attraction, you're going to say something.
3:17
Nick: I just haven't done an episode like this before.
3:18
Amy: We have never done an episode like this and it's a tough topic.
3:24
Amy: I hope we don't offend anyone.
3:26
Nick: Well, I'm surprised how many people are willing to say that, oh, I'm not really physically attracted to my spouse anymore.
3:34
Amy: It's very common.
3:35
Nick: It's pretty common and I think that's pretty sad, but on the other hand, if I think a lot of spouses just sometimes completely let themselves go after they get married, they don't exercise, they don't even try, they don't even try to look attractive to their spouse.
3:53
Nick: I mean a lot of things right and we understand.
3:56
Nick: Sometimes there's even some things that maybe aren't their fault and nothing can be done about it.
4:01
Amy: But I even got a message from a wife the other day that said I don't want to be intimate because I just had a baby and I don't feel attractive anymore.
4:09
Nick: I don't feel attractive.
4:10
Amy: My husband thinks I look amazing and he loves my stretch marks, but I don't feel attractive anymore.
4:16
Nick: We're going to address that to you in today's episode.
4:17
Nick: I'm glad you brought that up because it's not just looking at your spouse and thinking I'm not attracted to him.
4:22
Nick: It's also looking at yourself feeling like you're not attracted to your spouse as well.
4:29
Amy: There's a lot to cover in this topic, right?
4:31
Amy: So how important is physical attraction before marriage?
4:39
Amy: During marriage, how do we stay physically attractive?
4:43
Amy: How does like self love, like we just said, is so important in marriage and intimacy?
4:47
Amy: Just so many aspects that we need to talk about.
4:51
Amy: Well this is my opinion.
4:53
Nick: But I think physical attraction also is enhanced or decreased by the emotional intimacy.
5:04
Nick: I remember dating and thinking, oh, she's pretty cute.
5:10
Nick: And then you get to know them a lot better and they have an amazing personality and all of a sudden they're like, oh, this person's like totally attractive.
5:17
Nick: Or vice versa.
5:19
Nick: You meet someone that physically is attractive and you're like, oh, they're very pretty.
5:22
Nick: And then you get to know their personality and you're like, ah, they become less attractive.
5:27
Nick: So I think too, like when a lot of couples maybe are feeling like, oh, I'm just not attracted to my spouse, I think a lot of that has to do with maybe they don't have the emotional connection or that relationship that maybe they need as well.
5:42
Nick: I think it kind of bleeds into that area as well.
5:46
Amy: Absolutely, absolutely.
5:47
Amy: We'll dive into that.
5:48
Amy: So like life happens, kids happen, pregnancy happens, weight gain happens.
5:56
Amy: And baldness happens and sometimes our spouse looks completely different than when we first met.
6:10
Nick: You don't?
6:10
Nick: Are you implying that to me?
6:11
Nick: No, because I was gonna say no, I was, you saw.
6:13
Amy: No, no, you didn't.
6:15
Nick: I had a thicket of hair where Amy couldn't even get her fingers through my hair, and now I don't have it, it's, it's very sparse it's a very sparse, thinned out.
6:25
Nick: It's like a half dead lawn on top of my head.
6:29
Amy: But see that right there.
6:31
Amy: You always point that out, but I've never said anything about it.
6:36
Amy: I've never said, I care about that.
6:38
Amy: So that shows right there that men too sometimes in securities.
6:44
Nick: Oh, no question Can affect.
6:46
Nick: I mean.
6:48
Amy: Intimacy right.
6:49
Nick: I mean, are you gonna want a bald man or a full-headed hair, like?
6:53
Amy: I want you.
6:54
Nick: Oh, I know, but would you want me with a full head of hair or no head of hair?
6:58
Nick: I'm putting on this fire.
7:02
Amy: Do I want you at 20 years old or, let's see, 26 years old or 47 years old?
7:07
Amy: Is that what you're asking?
7:08
Nick: Yeah, kind of yeah.
7:11
Amy: Well, I love you more now.
7:12
Amy: Okay, that's like me.
7:16
Amy: Okay.
7:17
Amy: Okay, nick's really starting something here.
7:19
Amy: No, this is good.
7:20
Amy: Would you like me with my skinny tone six pack when we got married?
7:24
Amy: Or would you like me now with all my stretch marks after having four kids?
7:28
Nick: Oh, no question, with your stretch mark, exactly, exactly Because we've grown.
7:32
Amy: We're gonna talk about this.
7:33
Amy: Because we've grown together, we've built a life together.
7:36
Amy: That's what's attractive, right.
7:38
Nick: I see where you're going, babe.
7:39
Amy: You see where I'm going, okay, so normally I don't just read something that I found we usually just try to have an open conversation but I found a couple really good quotes, slash articles that I really want to share today.
7:55
Amy: I really want to share them.
7:56
Amy: I think they're really really good.
7:58
Amy: Her name is Rivka Slatkin.
8:02
Amy: She stated, while it makes a lot of sense, that indeed, if your spouse looks very different from how they did when you first met, that you might feel this is unfair, but if you'd get curious enough to dig a little deeper, there may be an underlying childhood story for you.
8:17
Amy: What she's gonna be talking about is how sometimes our past, or like the way we grew up, some of the things that we were taught, can kind of change our aspect on just appearance and physical.
8:35
Amy: Does that make sense?
8:36
Amy: So, like what did you learn about growing up?
8:38
Amy: About people that were heavy?
8:39
Amy: Or did you hear messages about physical parents from your parents?
8:43
Amy: Or were physical appearances commented a lot by your primary caretakers?
8:47
Amy: Were those considered pretty more respected and valued, like all those different things that were taught about?
8:55
Amy: Physical appearance kind of shapes and affects our marriage, right?
9:00
Amy: Yeah, totally agree Like do you totally believe that?
9:02
Amy: So, like if you asked your spouse what they thought about how you've changed over the years, you might hear some pretty surprising things.
9:10
Amy: Deborah Flite I hope I said it right she wrote this amazing article and she asked have you ever felt a lack of physical attraction in your marriage?
9:21
Amy: She asked the question in a survey of over a thousand married people.
9:26
Amy: She was astounded to find half admitted struggling with a lack of physical attraction towards their spouse.
9:33
Nick: Well, that makes sense, because we get a lot of people reached out to us.
9:36
Amy: We do.
9:36
Amy: We probably should have taken our very own poll, but I'm like, oh, that's pretty good stats, okay.
9:40
Amy: So like half of people we're not just saying men and women, just half of the married couples.
9:45
Amy: She says the ebbs and flows of physical attraction are a normal part of the marriage experience and to me they are not concerning, because a good marriage is made up of so much more than the physical agreed.
9:58
Amy: In those moments when physical attraction may find itself on the back burner, what holds a strong marriage together is every other attraction two people have built along the way.
10:10
Amy: The magnetic force of commitment, time and experience all wrapped up into one can bring a couple together in a way that no one but God could think of.
10:19
Amy: Maybe some of you are in a stage of life where you have lost sight of the many things that hold you and your spouse together.
10:24
Amy: Maybe you're struggling to find an attraction and and it's starting to have an impact on your sexual relationship.
10:30
Amy: She says I canceled with a young man who was having a hard time finding that physical spark towards his wife.
10:36
Amy: He found himself dwelling on the physical attributes she was lacking, comparing her to other women.
10:43
Amy: He would see I shared with him three big picture themes I address with couples who are dealing with a lack of physical attraction in their marriage.
10:51
Amy: When it comes to our sexual lives, the things that we give our time, thoughts and energy to what will grow, while the things we neglect to invest will naturally wither.
10:59
Amy: Our sexual palates are shaped and molded based on what we've been exposed to in our past, like I just mentioned, as well as what we expose ourself to along the way.
11:09
Amy: The more we fill our minds with any kind of junk, like porn, explicit movies, novels, the more we'll be enslaved to those unrealistic sexual expectations and it turns sabotage our most intimate relationships.
11:23
Nick: I love that.
11:24
Nick: I think that's really good.
11:25
Nick: Yeah, and I was gonna make a point and she kind of hit on that is if you're experiencing something to where maybe you're not attracted to your spouse and I'm not saying all the time, but like a lot of the time think about what you are putting into your mind, what you are looking at.
11:46
Nick: Are you looking at porn?
11:47
Nick: Like for those who look at porn and have that addiction and I can say this because we know a lot of people that struggle with that and these are the things that we've heard but when you have that false, I guess, sense of what beauty is or what's perfect, you're always going to be comparing everything to that and nothing is ever going to be good enough.
12:13
Nick: Your wife, you know it's just, you kind of have that unrealistic expectation of what they should look like and you're never going to meet that, and so I think that just doesn't come from like porn and movies.
12:26
Amy: I mean we're talking like social media.
12:28
Amy: I mean everything is Photoshop nowadays, like it's a fake world out there.
12:33
Amy: Right, it's a fake, fake world.
12:35
Nick: Yeah.
12:36
Nick: So if you are feeling like that, maybe ask yourself what am I putting in my mind?
12:40
Nick: What am I looking at?
12:41
Nick: What is causing me to feel this way?
12:45
Amy: And this is just one.
12:46
Amy: That's just one little piece of that problem, she says.
12:50
Amy: Let me be clear, though this is not about disciplining our minds by saying no to overt trash, but also learning to discipline our minds even when faced with day-to-day opportunities for lust and temptation.
13:01
Amy: As the young man in the story above began to eliminate the bad and concentrate on the good, his attraction toward his wife began to grow anew and his desire for her began to take shape all over again.
13:11
Amy: She says, the one thing I especially love about Song of Solomon is the way a couple the couple spends time concentrating on the good in each other.
13:20
Amy: Both the lover and the beloved spend first after verse, going back and forth, simply describing in detail the things that they love about each other.
13:28
Amy: Imagine if we apply that same drive and focus, that same concentration, to the way we view our spouse.
13:32
Amy: What would happen if we constantly zoom in on their strengths, talents and character and speak them out loud to them?
13:40
Amy: What if we simply appreciate them for who they are rather than dwell on who we want them to be?
13:45
Amy: This doesn't just apply to the physical attraction of part of our sex lives.
13:50
Amy: It applies to every aspect of our marriage.
13:52
Amy: Concentrate on the good, eliminate the bad and you'll find physical attraction in marriage achieving heights you never imagined.
14:00
Amy: I just loved that.
14:02
Amy: I love that.
14:03
Amy: So we'll get into some different situations, but I think the first thing that we can do we're just going to give some ideas that we thought of is to be kind to yourself.
14:20
Amy: We'll start with that one.
14:24
Nick: Be kind to yourself.
14:26
Amy: Be kind to yourself.
14:26
Amy: How do you think that affects physical attraction in your marriage?
14:30
Nick: That's a great question.
14:32
Amy: When I think of that, I firmly believe that we teach people how to treat us.
14:37
Amy: I think I've already said that before, but I think self-respect and self-love is absolutely number one.
14:46
Amy: I don't think you can genuinely love someone else if you don't love yourself.
14:49
Amy: I know that's really really hard, especially for a lot of women.
14:51
Amy: I just want to the lady that reached out to me she's like I just don't feel attractive anymore, which makes me have lower self-esteem.
14:58
Amy: I don't really want to be intimate, even though I know my husband finds me very attractive and he tells me that, reaching down deep inside and figuring out okay, why don't I love myself?
15:10
Amy: I wish I could just give all the moms out there a big, huge, massive hug and be like you're so beautiful.
15:16
Amy: Your husband thinks you're beautiful.
15:17
Amy: You've had his babies.
15:18
Amy: I look at my stretch marks now and I'm like these are my baby love marks.
15:23
Amy: These should be beautiful, unless we're worldly and we're looking at them as some kind of scar.
15:30
Amy: We created a human being together.
15:34
Amy: How beautiful is that right?
15:38
Nick: Yeah, I honestly I can only speak for myself but I think you're 100 times more beautiful now than when we got married.
15:44
Nick: And it doesn't mean that you weren't amazing when we got married because you were, but I think it's because of all the things that we've been through, the emotional connection that we have.
15:52
Nick: Like you said, focusing on the positive things.
15:55
Nick: Yeah, whenever you mention or say oh, I got stretch marks, I'm like who freaking cares?
16:00
Nick: That's attractive, like I think I think oftentimes we feel like flaws cannot be attractive.
16:07
Nick: I totally disagree.
16:09
Nick: I think I think what we perceive as flaws, or what maybe our spouse thinks our flaws, can be a very, very beautiful, amazing thing.
16:17
Nick: Like we're not perfect as humans.
16:19
Nick: We're going to have imperfections.
16:22
Nick: We all look differently, thank goodness, and you know.
16:26
Nick: But that's that's our uniqueness, that's makes us who we are.
16:30
Amy: And I think most husbands feel like this and I, like I said, it goes both ways too.
16:34
Amy: There's a lot of husbands that have gained weight or, like you, always complain, going bald or whatever those things are that husbands start getting self conscious about.
16:43
Nick: For sure.
16:44
Amy: It goes both ways.
16:45
Amy: But I think the most important thing we can remember is that I'm not perfect.
16:48
Amy: I can't expect you to be perfect.
16:49
Amy: You're not perfect.
16:50
Amy: You can't expect me to be perfect.
16:51
Amy: Like we fell in love with each other because we were attracted to each other in day one, right, and hopefully that love grew past.
17:01
Amy: Just the physical I mean physical attraction is very important.
17:04
Amy: Like we talk about all the time like absolutely two people, Thank goodness we all have different things that we find attractive, Like there's there's like everyone's different in that area, right.
17:15
Nick: But I think what I'm trying to say too is I think in my eyes you're more beautiful now than ever before and I think again, a lot of it is because we have such a good emotional connection right and we focus on the positive and we other aspects of the marriage are really good.
17:32
Nick: So, coming back to what you said, when those other aspects of the marriage are good, you're most likely going to be looking for the good and find those you know have that attraction to your spouse.
17:44
Amy: For sure, which will lead us to another thing I want to talk about.
17:48
Amy: What you're saying is beauty starts and ends in the heart.
17:51
Amy: Really, it's really about a deeper emotional connection.
17:54
Amy: I think it is after the attraction.
17:57
Nick: Now I think there has to be a physical attraction, but if all of you out there are married, there was obviously a physical attraction.
18:04
Amy: For the get-go right.
18:05
Nick: So and that physical attraction probably grew stronger when you were dating and having that emotional connection and really getting to know each other.
18:14
Nick: And so, again, if you feel like that physical attraction isn't there, rather than just looking at the physical and blaming it on them, maybe look and say what am I doing differently now than we were doing when we were dating, you know, or what have you?
18:30
Nick: And the other part of that is like we all age right, like at 70 years old, I'm just not going to look like I looked at at 25.
18:37
Nick: I'm not, and neither are you, and that's okay.
18:40
Nick: Like how can I expect you to be, you know, how can I expect things of you when I'm also old, if that makes sense, right.
18:51
Nick: You grow old together and that should be an attractive thing as well, too right Like I'm not going to be, not going to be dropped dead handsome at 70 years old, I'm just not.
19:00
Amy: What if you are?
19:02
Nick: Then that would be awesome.
19:06
Amy: Yeah, I think that I want to just get to the next one, which is smile more and laugh more is what makes people beautiful, and I just totally agree with that.
19:16
Amy: I think that a lot of marriages that are struggling, like you said, with physical attraction it might be something deeper.
19:23
Amy: Maybe it's negativity.
19:26
Amy: We'll get into positivity being attractive but just smiling more, laughing more and having more fun together.
19:32
Nick: That is attractive is very attractive.
19:34
Nick: Agreed.
19:35
Amy: Like when you have a spouse, that's joking around laughing happy, happy appreciative extremely attractive.
19:45
Amy: It's extremely attractive, for sure.
19:48
Nick: Agreed.
19:49
Amy: For sure.
19:51
Nick: Yeah, and, like you said, you hit on a little earlier, but I think confidence is such a big thing.
19:56
Nick: When I see someone who's maybe, in my eyes, not the most attractive person, but they're really confident, I'm like, oh, that person like owns it.
20:08
Amy: They own it.
20:08
Amy: Yeah, when you're really confident.
20:10
Nick: That's a very attractive thing as well.
20:14
Amy: For your spouse, absolutely, absolutely, yeah, when they're confident and they're just like dude.
20:18
Nick: I don't need anyone else's approval, I know who I am.
20:21
Amy: I'm awesome.
20:21
Nick: I'm freaking awesome.
20:22
Nick: Yeah, that's very attractive.
20:24
Amy: Agreed, agreed.
20:25
Amy: How do you think that people that don't feel that confidence can get there?
20:34
Nick: It's a hard one, just yeah, learning to love yourself, and there's obviously a lot of ways that you can learn to love yourself, so which we that might be a whole nother.
20:43
Amy: Yeah, how attractive do you think it is to be playful and flirty in your marriage?
20:51
Amy: We're looking, I know we're looking past physical.
20:53
Nick: Right now I'm not going to talk about why physical is still important, but that's big right, I think it's vital because it shows that right there alone, when you're flirting, shows that you're like yeah, I still am totally attracted to you, right Like, I want you, I crave you.
21:10
Nick: So I think that's totally vital and important.
21:16
Amy: Thank you Basic.
21:17
Amy: That's why.
21:18
Nick: I'm always flirting with you.
21:20
Amy: Basic hygiene.
21:23
Nick: I.
21:23
Nick: I think that's really important.
21:27
Amy: Yes, okay, I'm gonna Okay.
21:31
Nick: I know where you're going.
21:33
Amy: I hope I can wrap my words around this one, because I'm not quite sure what I want to say.
21:37
Nick: I know where you're going, I'll back you up.
21:39
Amy: You will.
21:39
Amy: I don't know if you have a clue what I'm gonna say.
21:42
Amy: I kind of feel for the people or the spouses, husband or wife.
21:49
Amy: I feel for them when they're like I don't feel attracted to my spouse because they've let themselves go.
21:55
Amy: I don't think that that's fair to let yourself go or to be someone different than you sold yourself when you got married.
22:06
Amy: I just want to talk about that for a second.
22:09
Amy: Like I got ready for Nick when we were dating, I put on a little makeup.
22:14
Amy: I'm not a huge makeup wearer, but I put on a little makeup.
22:16
Amy: I did my hair, I got dressed up for our date nights.
22:19
Amy: I had a positive attitude, those things you found attractive.
22:25
Amy: I don't feel like it's fair for our marriage or for you If I was to just all of a sudden get married and just be like, yeah, well, I'm already married now, so I can act how I want.
22:39
Amy: I don't want to get ready for you, I'm just gonna live in my pajamas and I'm never gonna do my hair Like I just don't care anymore.
22:45
Amy: I don't care anymore.
22:46
Amy: That, to me, is not fair.
22:49
Amy: I and this can go emotionally deeper like you said earlier, like when you sell yourself to your spouse and you commit to marriage, they fell in love with who you presented.
23:01
Amy: You can't just not do those things anymore.
23:05
Nick: Well, yeah, for sure I agree, totally agree, yeah.
23:12
Amy: That's all you have to say.
23:13
Nick: My mind's stinking, it's kind of racing ahead.
23:15
Nick: But it's funny how we have We've had men reach out to us and we're like or say that, oh, I'm People that we know not through email or anything like that People that we know but like we'll hear comments like oh, my wife's just kind of let herself go and I'm like dude, have you looked in the mirror?
23:32
Nick: Like you're, you are not like.
23:35
Amy: Yeah, keep an ear.
23:36
Nick: Some of it Exactly, and they're complaining that, oh, their wife should be more attractive and go work out and look good for them, and yet here they're letting their selves go.
23:45
Nick: Yeah, that's not okay and I'm like, wait a second, this kind of works both ways, not kind of it works both ways.
23:52
Nick: You can't be saying that you know your wife should be looking pretty and exercising and all this, and then you're letting yourself go Like you're exactly right, like when you get married.
24:02
Nick: I think it's important to keep yourself in good shape, for sure.
24:10
Nick: Keep yourself, you know.
24:13
Nick: Whoever you married at that time, like you said, don't change, I guess, so to speak, right.
24:24
Amy: Well, everyone's going to change a little bit, right?
24:26
Amy: But?
24:26
Nick: I mean, don't just completely let yourself go.
24:29
Nick: That's not fair to your spouse Like you said like all of a sudden, you're in pajamas all the time and you just don't care, and you never put on makeup and you never get dressed up and you're not exercising and taking care of yourself.
24:42
Amy: And, believe me, we're not saying like you have to do those things all the time, but like on date night, when there's some effort and thought put into a date, like get ready, like be attractive for your spouse, I expect Nick to do that and he expects me to do that, like that's a healthy expectation in a marriage right, absolutely.
25:01
Nick: Some nights, some man can't keep my hands off.
25:06
Amy: I just I don't know.
25:06
Amy: I just wanted to touch on that because I know I don't want to make excuses and just say, like you need to look to the heart.
25:14
Amy: Like you're married now it's all about emotional connection and deepness, like there's still a really important aspect of being physically attractive for your spouse, like you.
25:25
Amy: It's not fair to just let yourself go and stop caring.
25:28
Amy: That's just not attractive.
25:30
Amy: Not caring anymore in the marriage is not attractive in itself, right.
25:34
Nick: Totally agree with that.
25:35
Amy: The healthy balance in all things.
25:36
Amy: Like God gave us this body, like we're supposed to take care of it.
25:40
Amy: We're supposed to eat right, we're supposed to get some exercise.
25:43
Amy: That doesn't mean you have to be addicted to the gym, it doesn't mean you have to diet crazy or do all these things.
25:48
Amy: But we were given a body to take care of that body Like that's an expectation that we should have on ourselves, right.
25:56
Nick: Yeah, and I would think most of us would want to, you know, like keep that one, our spouse, to be attracted to us, right?
26:04
Amy: I want you to be attractive to me.
26:06
Nick: I jog every morning.
26:06
Nick: It's not because I like jogging.
26:08
Nick: No, honestly, I jog every morning because I want to stay in good shape.
26:12
Nick: Number one and number two I want my wife to be like dang.
26:15
Nick: He's for a 70, 47 year old.
26:18
Nick: He is hot.
26:19
Nick: Even though he's losing some hair, he's still hot.
26:23
Amy: There is this thing called healthy pride in yourself, right?
26:26
Amy: Healthy pride, that means taking care of yourself and wanting to look good for your spouse in a healthy way, and that's what we're talking about.
26:34
Amy: We're talking about healthy balances in these things and forget.
26:39
Nick: Forget about what the world looks at as far as what beauty is.
26:43
Nick: That's something that you guys that as a couple, you should.
26:46
Nick: You should talk about it just like you do anything else, and figure it out, because you need to find out what works for you as a couple and forget about what the world thinks right.
26:58
Amy: Right.
26:59
Nick: I think that's important, because what might be important to you and I in our marriage to stay in attractive might be a lot different than maybe another couple, right?
27:09
Amy: right for sure, and like we have Vulnerable conversations out this all the time.
27:14
Amy: Nick's always like you look just as amazing when you don't put any makeup on.
27:18
Amy: I'm like, thanks, that makes me feel really good.
27:20
Amy: But I'll go throw a mascara on because I'm like I feel prettier, and when I feel prettier in my marriage, I I just feel good.
27:30
Amy: Like it shows like sometimes we need a couple things, like like you said, like when you had more hair, you felt more handsome, even though I've never said anything like that to you.
27:38
Amy: We all have like our little things that make us feel better and those that's okay.
27:43
Nick: Well, okay, and we all are going to have our our own, like things that we struggle with, like our own self-esteem things or Image things.
27:54
Nick: Like for me, like it's hair right, like right, that's, that's the thing that I'm like.
27:59
Nick: Oh man, I just I want, I don't want my hair To go right, like it's a little jealousy thing, like yeah, yeah, and for other people it might be, you know staying in shape, a skinny body or something.
28:11
Nick: Yeah, yeah I mean, everyone's gonna have different things that they they feel about, or different maybe imperfections, and that's okay.
28:19
Nick: You know, it's okay, everyone's gonna be different.
28:21
Amy: Yes, okay.
28:23
Amy: So what we just talked about was good hygiene still getting ready for your spouse, still having that healthy pride of taking care of yourself, of wanting to be attractive for your spouse.
28:34
Amy: That's very important for both of you and it's only fair in your marriage To give your spouse what you sold to them when you got married.
28:43
Nick: Yeah, and I think, again, going back to like self-confidence, I think that's a huge thing.
28:48
Nick: Laughing and smiling and being positive, I think that's a very attractive thing.
28:53
Amy: The next thing I want to touch on.
28:55
Nick: Oh, I see you when I see like happy and smiling and joking around, like that is so attractive.
29:01
Amy: Well, no one wants to be married to someone that's onry, always depressed and won't get help with it.
29:06
Amy: Just a nitpicker, nagger, super downer.
29:12
Amy: Nobody really wants that right because positivity doesn't matter how beautiful you are.
29:18
Amy: If, yeah, oh, if you married someone that was a tent, like you would consider like a 10, like in physical traction, and All sudden they're like whiny naggy didn't want to get just super depressed and onry knit picked at everything that you did all day long and was super.
29:37
Nick: Didn't want to, didn't want to connect emotionally or physically be like I'm out just that quick, right, yeah, just that quick.
29:43
Amy: Like you're like literally no longer attractive to me, so that just shows like how mm-hmm for positivity is huge on the scale.
29:53
Amy: The next thing I want to throw out was complimenting each other.
29:58
Amy: Complimenting each other.
30:00
Amy: You're better with words, you're much better at it.
30:03
Amy: But I always tell Nick, I'm like all you got it like lingerie to me on a man is a nice Handsome suit.
30:10
Amy: I didn't tell you look good yesterday.
30:11
Amy: That was rude of me, but I did ask for a picture of us.
30:14
Nick: Oh, I wasn't a suit yesterday.
30:16
Nick: Yeah, you were, yeah, yeah, so it stayed on for way too long to.
30:22
Nick: It should have been ripped off a lot earlier.
30:24
Amy: Oh yeah, you wish.
30:25
Amy: I Can't rip it off when we walk in from church.
30:30
Nick: That's true.
30:30
Amy: That's not gonna work.
30:31
Nick: My expectations are a little high.
30:35
Amy: So tell your spouse when they look good.
30:38
Amy: That makes them feel good, that makes them want to look good again.
30:41
Amy: When you like, get ready and get ready for a date night, and you put a lot of effort into baby.
30:47
Nick: You look smoking hot doesn't that make?
30:50
Amy: that makes me be like, oh, he really appreciated the time I put into getting ready for him.
30:54
Nick: I'm gonna do that again tomorrow or the next week or whatever, right, yeah, that means a lot like the other day when you told me my hair looked really thick and good, like that was awesome.
31:05
Amy: I didn't tell you your hair did, but I told you your beard did I.
31:10
Nick: Growed on the down there.
31:11
Nick: I'm making stuff up.
31:16
Amy: Oh my gosh, you're funny.
31:17
Amy: Yeah, we kind of skipped all over, so Did I miss anything?
31:22
Amy: Be positive self-love.
31:27
Nick: Yeah, I think we big.
31:28
Nick: I think we covered most everything.
31:32
Amy: Don't forget, the most important way to be more attractive to your spouse is to have a beautiful heart.
31:36
Amy: Always speak beautiful things over yourself and if you're a hard time, ask God to help you.
31:42
Amy: See yourself the way that he sees you.
31:44
Nick: I want to hit on the thing you said to like appreciation and compliments.
31:48
Nick: When you're Verbally, telling your spouse I love you, I appreciate you, you look beautiful today.
31:55
Nick: You, you're funny, you make me laugh, you make me feel this way.
32:00
Nick: When you're constantly Saying positive things, that is going to completely change your mindset as well too.
32:07
Nick: You know, just like like we hit on a little bit right.
32:09
Nick: Right so.
32:11
Nick: I think you know, wrapping this thing up like I think it's so important, I think we think, oh, visually I'm not as attracted to my spouse because of this, this or this, but in reality, most of the attraction, I think, happens after you've been married and you've already had that physical attraction.
32:31
Nick: If you, if you, if you're losing that physical attraction, it's probably something and more deeper, or dealing with the emotional side of things.
32:41
Nick: Sure would be my guess and not say, not saying that's 100% of the time.
32:47
Nick: I mean again, if the spouse has completely let them, so let's go.
32:49
Nick: That's one thing.
32:53
Amy: But but that deeper emotional issue going on is usually what causes a spouse to stop caring, because they go hand in hand.
32:58
Amy: Why yeah?
33:03
Nick: but I go back to our own marriage, like and I'm saying this honestly like to me you are 10 Times more beautiful now and I've aged, and I've aged 20 years.
33:12
Amy: Than the day I married you.
33:12
Nick: But I I know that a lot of it is because of how vulnerable we've been, our relationship, how it's changed, like we know each other on such a deeper and different level, with Hard times and things that we've gone through, and we're constantly Doing things in our marriage, not not just necessarily physically but also emotionally, to try to, you know, just make our marriage as good as we can.
33:38
Nick: But I think that's contributed to those feelings as well of being even more physically attracted to you.
33:44
Nick: I mean, if you can't tell how physically attracted I am to you, then something's wrong.
33:52
Amy: But I think I Would like to add that if you're struggling in the physical attraction department, maybe self-reflect a little bit.
34:06
Amy: Figure out, okay, what like?
34:08
Amy: What is it?
34:09
Amy: Why is it that I'm not as attractive?
34:10
Amy: Is it something that I'm doing or putting into my mind, or or how can we have this conversation?
34:17
Amy: Because this is something that needs to be discussed.
34:21
Amy: Like you've got to have enough self-esteem that you can talk about physical attraction in the marriage, right.
34:25
Amy: Like you've got to be able to be vulnerable and talk about it and not just say you've let yourself go, I'm disgusted by you.
34:31
Amy: Like, please don't ever do that.
34:33
Amy: Like Approach this topic in a kind and respectful way.
34:36
Amy: Like putting it on yourself.
34:38
Amy: Like, hey, is there anything that I could do for you to be more emotionally and physically Attracted to me, for you to be more attracted to me in our marriage?
34:46
Amy: Like let's come out conversation about this, let's be vulnerable with this, because I want you to be attractive to me, attracted to me, and I want to be attracted to you because it's really important and it keeps the chemistry alive.
35:03
Amy: And some of the times, like maybe, just this, just one example.
35:06
Amy: But maybe, if it's weight gain, say, hey, I was wondering if maybe we could go start a workout program or start walking together at night and and make it more of an emotionally connecting thing, like something that you want to do together.
35:19
Amy: Right, because I've seen a lot of couples that have like gained a ton of weight, like even both of them, and all of a sudden they're like we started working out together and going running at night or walking at night or or even just going on our own diet plan together or like more healthy or eating as a couple, and I've heard them say we've lost all these parents and it's just helping our self-confidence and it's helping our physical attraction to each other.
35:44
Amy: But not just that, not just that, that kind of level we've connected deeper, we're talking more about it, we're spending more time together while we're doing these physical activities, like we've known a lot of couples that have done that and grown closer emotionally, which then the physical attraction is so much easier yeah, I agree 100%.
36:06
Amy: I mean, yeah, you said that perfectly and we do know a lot of people like that so I think the way you approach this conversation and so many of you are struggling with it, like it can be a deeper issue and if your wife or husband is in a place where they have kind of stopped caring, help them figure out why, like what is missing in your relationship, to get that connection back and that spark back so that you want to keep start trying again for each other because you can, like we've seen couples just totally both let go, both stop caring.
36:40
Amy: It totally affects the physical and turn it around like it can be turned around.
36:46
Nick: I was just gonna say that, yeah, we do.
36:49
Nick: Totally turned around to the point to where you see them and they're like all over each other and you're like that is freaking awesome, right, right, like here you have two imperfect people.
36:58
Nick: We're all imperfect, but it's pretty awesome just to see.
37:03
Nick: I love that.
37:03
Nick: I love looking at other couples and just seeing how other couples connect or in madly in love especially, especially when maybe the rest of the world would say, oh they, you know, maybe comparing or things like that, which, which is ridiculous, I mean, I don't know, this is another total podcast topic as well too, but there's, to me there's so much more important than like just physical looks for sure, like really, I mean.
37:36
Nick: But again coming back to it, if you're married to your spouse, there had to be that attraction before absolutely how do you get that back?
37:44
Nick: your spouse really should be the most beautiful, attractive person in the world to you, and again, I know I'm repeating that, but if that's not the case, maybe.
37:51
Nick: If that's not the case, maybe look a little bit deeper into the emotional side of things and maybe you know, see what you know, where you're not connecting there as well we've done previous podcasts about self-love.
38:04
Amy: We've done previous podcasts about how to get the romance and sparks back.
38:07
Amy: We've done previous podcasts about emotional intimacy and how to connect deeper.
38:12
Amy: I think if there's this more surface level issue going on, go back to those deeper episodes and really figure out what's going on.
38:22
Amy: Right, but, like I said, it's important to not to just to love yourself and to keep yourself healthy.
38:30
Amy: You're you're.
38:31
Amy: I was talking with a friend the other day.
38:33
Amy: We were talking about how, like when we don't feel good, maybe we're stressed out mentally or or even a spiritual overload sometimes, like it's amazing how our physical bodies are mental and our spiritual all affect the physical like it really does, like it we could, you can feel it sometimes and how important it is to just be eating healthy, exercising, working on the emotional connection.
38:57
Amy: Just everything goes hand in hand.
38:59
Amy: So, anyways, so true, so true, so true talk to each other always comes down to communication well, we hope you enjoyed the podcast episode and we absolutely love doing these podcasts.
39:12
Nick: Please feel free to leave us a review.
39:14
Nick: Let us know how we're doing and I guess until next time we'll be fine.
39:19
Nick: Ultimate intimacy in a relationship.