Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #730 When You're Not On The Same Page

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#730 When You're Not On The Same Page · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, the ability that you have number one to communicate
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Speaker 2: and number two to collaborate. This doesn't just go one way.
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Speaker 2: This is a two way conversation and it takes the
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Speaker 2: two of us to.
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Speaker 3: Work it out. And that's why it's a marriage or
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Speaker 3: a partnership.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 3: Okay, Kylie, are you ready for a doozy of a
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Speaker 3: parent in question today?
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Speaker 2: A doozy?
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Speaker 3: This one is a doozy. It comes from a listener
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Speaker 3: who has emailed us via podcasts. Doozy even a word
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Speaker 3: podcasts with an s at happyfamilies dot com dot A.
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Speaker 3: You you know it's a doozy. You know it's a
0:43
Speaker 3: word doozy. I'm going to Google it right now and
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Speaker 3: tell you what the definition of doozy is. If you
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Speaker 3: look up a doozy on Google, it says something outstanding
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Speaker 3: or unique of its kind. It's going to be a
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Speaker 3: doozy of a black eye. It's going to be a
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Speaker 3: thing example, doozy of a black eye. I think Google
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Speaker 3: could have come up with a better one than that
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Speaker 3: this is a doozy of a question. It comes from
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Speaker 3: a listener who says, my husband and I are just
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Speaker 3: totally different parents, and we are constantly disagreeing about everything
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Speaker 3: and anything, mostly in relation to rules and discipline. I'm
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Speaker 3: really stuck. I don't know how to make things consistent
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Speaker 3: in our house when they are anything. But as an example,
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Speaker 3: my husband, who works away from home a few days
1:24
Speaker 3: a week, came home and told my eldest, who was
1:26
Speaker 3: only nine, that he could go in the pool on
1:28
Speaker 3: his own. I thought, at least the pool rules we
1:32
Speaker 3: agreed on, but apparently not. We have younger kids, so
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Speaker 3: my rule has always been no kids in the pool
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Speaker 3: area without an adult, and that's not negotiable, regardless of
1:39
Speaker 3: whether they can swim or not. He openly said, well,
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Speaker 3: I think that's buught to me in front of my
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Speaker 3: four year old, which I was appalled at, and of
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Speaker 3: course the younger kids instantly started asking if they could
1:49
Speaker 3: go in the pool area as well. I'm not sure
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Speaker 3: what I'm asking here, but is there a way forward
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Speaker 3: when two parents just don't see eye to eye? Discipline
1:57
Speaker 3: is a big one. I don't believe in smacking. He does.
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Speaker 3: We have two neurodivergent kids, and I feel as though
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Speaker 3: his expectations are too high. I'm looking for some kind
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Speaker 3: of guidance. This parent's in a hard place, Kylie. And
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Speaker 3: it got me thinking, have you and I ever disagreed?
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Speaker 4: I'm sorry I couldn't keep a straight faced when I
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Speaker 4: asked the question. Not that I want to minimize what
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Speaker 4: this mum is going through at all, but is it
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Speaker 4: reasonable to say that if you're not disagreeing in your relationship,
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Speaker 4: you're probably not in a relationship, or not in a
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Speaker 4: healthy one at least.
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Speaker 2: We're not suggesting that contention is imperative for a relationship
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Speaker 2: at all. No, But what we are suggesting is that
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Speaker 2: we're two totally different people. We're going to have different
2:40
Speaker 2: opinions right a lot of the time. Yes, And the
2:44
Speaker 2: idea that a relationship will run smoothly all the time
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Speaker 2: is a fallacy.
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Speaker 3: Okay, So we've disagreed on and I'm making a mentalist
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Speaker 3: right now. We have disagreed on discipline. Yeah, that was
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Speaker 3: one of our big ones early on. And well, I
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Speaker 3: don't know, and I'm going to call this pretty bluntly
3:01
Speaker 3: right now. At the outset. The biggest concern that I
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Speaker 3: have about this particular email is the way that this
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Speaker 3: mum has described the interaction between her and her husband
3:10
Speaker 3: and the children. I'm feeling a level of disrespect, the
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Speaker 3: level of contempt that's directed from the husband towards her.
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Speaker 3: It feels like a level of selfish disregard, which does
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Speaker 3: concern me. But if we set that aside for just
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Speaker 3: a moment, it's normal for couples to disagree about pretty
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Speaker 3: much everything, and other than that disregard, my sense is
3:34
Speaker 3: that I've been that dad. Maybe I've even been that
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Speaker 3: disregarding of your opinion. I don't know. I don't have
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Speaker 3: that level of self awareness nor the ability to reflect
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Speaker 3: back on what it was like ten, fifteen, twenty years
3:44
Speaker 3: ago when our children were young, like this family. But
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Speaker 3: the reality is we kind of get tunnel vision. We
3:52
Speaker 3: become fixated in the belief that the way we're seeing
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Speaker 3: the world is the way the world actually is.
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Speaker 2: Well, and it's the only way to see the world.
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Speaker 3: And anyone who's it differently must be blind or silly
4:03
Speaker 3: or mistaken in some way. Unfortunately, we are seeing in
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Speaker 3: this email a level of disrespect associated with that which
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Speaker 3: I really struggle with now. But maybe that was me
4:14
Speaker 3: back then as well. Hopefully you can't remember me being
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Speaker 3: like that.
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Speaker 2: No, I don't ever remember you talking to me like that.
4:20
Speaker 2: I think one of the central challenges it actually puts
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Speaker 2: your children in a really challenging position because now they
4:28
Speaker 2: recognize that there isn't alignment, and they're going to go
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Speaker 2: back and forth between you and actually create more challenges
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Speaker 2: because they.
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Speaker 3: Just want what they want true.
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Speaker 2: And they're going to do whatever they can to get it.
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Speaker 2: One of the things I've loved about the relationship that
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Speaker 2: you and I share is that there have been plenty
4:46
Speaker 2: of times that we've disagreed, but whenever our children have
4:49
Speaker 2: tried to conquer and divide, their number one complaint is
4:53
Speaker 2: they'll go and ask you, and what do you say?
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Speaker 3: What did Mum say? And it's not because I'm being lazy,
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Speaker 3: it's because I won't have that disagreement in front of
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Speaker 3: the kids. We'll have the disagreement behind closed doors. So
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Speaker 3: we disagree, they.
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Speaker 2: Come and ask me, and I tell them to go
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Speaker 2: and ask dad.
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Speaker 3: Well, because you don't want to make a decision, you're
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Speaker 3: not actually worried about alignment. You just don't want to
5:11
Speaker 3: have to make a call on things. But what we're
5:15
Speaker 3: really trying to do here as a couple is when
5:19
Speaker 3: we disagree on things like we disagree. We used to
5:22
Speaker 3: disagree very much on discipline in the early days, very
5:25
Speaker 3: very strong disagreement around that. Then when we got over that,
5:29
Speaker 3: we disagreed about things like how much homework the kids
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Speaker 3: should be doing. I've got a strict no homework policy
5:34
Speaker 3: for our kids in primary school unless it's reading. You've
5:38
Speaker 3: always said, don't rock the boat, just let them do
5:39
Speaker 3: their homework. They want to do it anyway. And over
5:42
Speaker 3: time we've worked that out bit by bit, mainly because
5:45
Speaker 3: I've been away traveling and teaching people how to have
5:47
Speaker 3: happy families, and so you've just got the kids to
5:49
Speaker 3: do their homework anyway. We've had a different view on naplan.
5:53
Speaker 3: We've had a different view on how many extracurricular activities
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Speaker 3: the kids should be doing. My view is, let's give
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Speaker 3: them every enrich an opportunity that we can, even if
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Speaker 3: we can't afford it, even if it means we're going
6:03
Speaker 3: to be broke for the entire time that we're raising
6:04
Speaker 3: our chidren, because I want them to learn those instruments
6:06
Speaker 3: and play those sports and have those enriching experiences, and
6:09
Speaker 3: you've had a more can we simplify our lives approach,
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Speaker 3: So we've had a lack of alignment on a variety
6:15
Speaker 3: of issues. When I read this email, my number one point,
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Speaker 3: outside of the lack of respect that's been shown to Mum,
6:24
Speaker 3: at least in the way that she's reported the incident,
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Speaker 3: my number one concern is can we have these conversations
6:32
Speaker 3: without the children being present? Can we really understand one
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Speaker 3: another and work things out?
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Speaker 2: So when I think about this situation, to me, this
6:40
Speaker 2: is actually less about parenting, and this is actually more
6:43
Speaker 2: about alignment as a couple, the challenges that you and
6:48
Speaker 2: I have experienced over the years when it comes to
6:51
Speaker 2: being out of alignment in whatever area it could be. Anything.
6:54
Speaker 2: Doesn't have to be about the children, it could be anything.
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Speaker 2: It actually stems back to a foundational misalignment. It's not
7:03
Speaker 2: about one specific thing. So if we want to actually
7:07
Speaker 2: get on the same page as parents, then we actually
7:10
Speaker 2: have to take a step back to the root relationship,
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Speaker 2: which is you and I.
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Speaker 3: Okay, so let's talk about that, and then we'll discuss
7:17
Speaker 3: the respect issue, because I think it has to be addressed,
7:20
Speaker 3: but we'll save that for the last when it comes
7:22
Speaker 3: to obtaining alignment, it's critical at the outset that we
7:28
Speaker 3: actually know what we want. This is so important when
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Speaker 3: it comes to your children and the pool, or when
7:35
Speaker 3: it comes to your children and discipline, or when it
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Speaker 3: comes to your children homework or extracurricular activities. Knowing what
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Speaker 3: you want is the first step to creating alignment because
7:46
Speaker 3: until you can identify and articulate what it is that
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Speaker 3: you want, the other person, if they do know what
7:50
Speaker 3: they want, they'll always I'm going to use the word
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Speaker 3: win in inverted commas because it's not really a competition,
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Speaker 3: but their view because they know what they want, will
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Speaker 3: become the prevailing view because they're able to articulate it.
8:02
Speaker 3: And the person who can clearly articulate and enunciate what
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Speaker 3: they want will prevail. They will be the one who
8:09
Speaker 3: steer the ship because they know what they want, they
8:12
Speaker 3: know what direction they're heading in. So being really clear
8:15
Speaker 3: about what you want is critically important.
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Speaker 2: So you're talking about what you want as a family, what.
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Speaker 3: You want as a family, but also what you want
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Speaker 3: in terms of discipline, or what you want in terms
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Speaker 3: of the children having access to the swimming pool, or
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Speaker 3: what you want in terms of television and screens, and
8:30
Speaker 3: the list goes on what do we want. Do we
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Speaker 3: want to have children who do whatever they want with
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Speaker 3: their screens whenever they want, or do we want to
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Speaker 3: have select times that are really truly reserved for time
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Speaker 3: together as a family with screens off, like bedtime, or
8:44
Speaker 3: like dinner time, or like time in the car. So
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Speaker 3: it's about knowing what you want and why you want it.
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Speaker 3: If you can get what and why, that means that
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Speaker 3: you're going to be far more effective in communicating that
8:55
Speaker 3: with your partner. If any conflict comes up, you might
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Speaker 3: resist and react, what are you doing? Why are you
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Speaker 3: doing that? I'm not okay with that? But when they
9:02
Speaker 3: say why you you sort of stammer and stumble and say,
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Speaker 3: I don't know. I just don't. I don't want them
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Speaker 3: to be able to do that. So knowing what is important.
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Speaker 3: But my second key thing is that you've got to
9:12
Speaker 3: be able to then know why, because when you and
9:14
Speaker 3: I are having a conflict about what's going on with
9:17
Speaker 3: the children, where trying to articulate to one another why
9:20
Speaker 3: the children should be doing all those extra care curricular
9:23
Speaker 3: activities or a whole lot less extracurricular activities. The person
9:27
Speaker 3: who is able to make their argument well doesn't mean
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Speaker 3: they win, but they're going to be more persuasive in
9:32
Speaker 3: the eyes of the other one. If I can tell
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Speaker 3: you that I want the children to be doing these
9:35
Speaker 3: extracurricular activities because it's enriching for them and it's good
9:38
Speaker 3: for their social situation. They may make more friends, it
9:41
Speaker 3: upskills them, and as they're adults, they'll have more of
9:44
Speaker 3: a sense of confidence and confidence because of all the
9:46
Speaker 3: things that they've done. Also, the research shows that it's
9:49
Speaker 3: good for their brains.
9:50
Speaker 2: And it's always about the research.
9:53
Speaker 3: But when we step into that conversation, that doesn't mean
9:57
Speaker 3: that I'm going to dominate or win, and that's not
9:59
Speaker 3: it at all, but it helps you to I guess
10:02
Speaker 3: see that there's a really strong rationale from where I'm
10:04
Speaker 3: coming from. It doesn't mean I'm right, but it means
10:06
Speaker 3: that I'm really clear on that Your response to me,
10:08
Speaker 3: why it might be those things are all well and good,
10:11
Speaker 3: but our family is busy and this is taking an
10:15
Speaker 3: enormous toll on you because you've got to go and
10:18
Speaker 3: earn all the money to pay for all these extracurricical
10:20
Speaker 3: activities that we can't afford because we're spending X number
10:23
Speaker 3: of one hundred dollars because we have this many children
10:25
Speaker 3: and it's this much every week. And by slowing our
10:29
Speaker 3: family down, we get to enjoy one another more. And
10:32
Speaker 3: I'm running around all over the place and it costs
10:34
Speaker 3: a fortune to fill the car. And so then you're
10:36
Speaker 3: articulating your position. Not that we're trying to have a
10:40
Speaker 3: fight here, but it's about understanding the why now.
10:43
Speaker 2: And I've loved over the years as we've had these
10:45
Speaker 2: kinds of conversations, my initial response is just to shut down.
10:48
Speaker 2: You've got this big rationale, you know what you're talking about,
10:51
Speaker 2: and I just I literally just shut down. I give up.
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Speaker 3: Which is one of the problems with articulating and saying, well,
10:58
Speaker 3: you tell me what you think, and I'll to you
11:00
Speaker 3: what I think. Psychologists will often say, let's just hear
11:03
Speaker 3: both sides of the story. But the person who is
11:06
Speaker 3: more articulate, the person who can make their argument stronger,
11:10
Speaker 3: kind of gives them an unfair advantage. Not everybody is
11:13
Speaker 3: going to be that strong on the way they explain
11:16
Speaker 3: their position.
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Speaker 2: But what I've loved is that when I have a
11:20
Speaker 2: tendency to do that. You've actually stopped me and said, no,
11:23
Speaker 2: I really want to understand why do you feel so
11:26
Speaker 2: strongly about this? Can you tell me? And so that's
11:29
Speaker 2: allowed me to then share what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.
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Speaker 2: And sometimes it's worked that you've kind of gone, oh,
11:35
Speaker 2: I get it now, and we've gone my way, But
11:37
Speaker 2: there have been plenty of times where we've gone I
11:40
Speaker 2: can see what you're saying now, I completely understand, but
11:42
Speaker 2: can you actually see from my point of view that
11:44
Speaker 2: the things that you're worried about are actually counted over
11:47
Speaker 2: here or whatever the scenario is. And I just I
11:51
Speaker 2: think that when you're in a relationship, the ability that
11:55
Speaker 2: you have number one to communicate and number two to collaborate.
11:59
Speaker 2: This doesn't just go one way. This is a two
12:01
Speaker 2: way conversation and it takes the two of us to
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Speaker 2: work it out, and.
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Speaker 3: That's why it's a marriage or a partnership. So my
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Speaker 3: strong preference in a situation like this for this listener
12:12
Speaker 3: who has emailed us is to suggest that we use
12:15
Speaker 3: the three e's. But you can't do it in the
12:17
Speaker 3: moment because nobody thinks clearly when they're emotionally.
12:20
Speaker 2: Elevated, well I guess that was the other thing I
12:21
Speaker 2: was going to bring up is just the fact that
12:23
Speaker 2: we're often trying to have these conversations when things are heated.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, not going to work. High emotions, low intelligence, So explore,
12:32
Speaker 3: explain it, empower. Let's say this was between you and
12:37
Speaker 3: I and you were the one that said, just let
12:39
Speaker 3: them swim and this is ridiculous, And I was the
12:40
Speaker 3: one saying no, no, we've got rules, like our nine year
12:42
Speaker 3: old can't swim because we're gonna have these problems. And
12:44
Speaker 3: you said, just don't be silly. They do whatever they want,
12:47
Speaker 3: and you override me in front of the kids, and
12:50
Speaker 3: it all blows up later that afternoon, later that evening,
12:53
Speaker 3: maybe the next day. I'm going to say, I want
12:56
Speaker 3: to have a chat with you about what happened yesterday
12:57
Speaker 3: with that pool incident. Are you open to talking with
13:01
Speaker 3: me about it? And hopefully you'll say yes. If you
13:04
Speaker 3: say no, then I know that there are much deeper
13:06
Speaker 3: issues in the relationship. Oka this becomes about disrespect, this
13:09
Speaker 3: becomes about power, this becomes about domination. It's a really
13:13
Speaker 3: unhealthy dynamic in the relationship that's going on. But so
13:18
Speaker 3: long as you're willing to say, yeah, yeah, we probably
13:21
Speaker 3: should chat about it. Then I'm going to say what
13:24
Speaker 3: was going on with that yesterday? Because we've talked about
13:26
Speaker 3: this and you kind of just stomped all over all
13:28
Speaker 3: the rules we've made up, and you stomped all over
13:30
Speaker 3: me and left me feeling really confused. Now you'll note
13:34
Speaker 3: that I'm expecting that you will take ownership, but I'm
13:37
Speaker 3: keeping it gentle and light, and I'm saying what was
13:40
Speaker 3: going on. I'm exploring, you know, the three e's of
13:42
Speaker 3: effective discip one. I'm exploring what happened and how come?
13:45
Speaker 3: And it might be that you say, you know what,
13:48
Speaker 3: I'm so tired, I'm so stressed. The kids have been
13:50
Speaker 3: driving me up the wall. You've walked in and you're
13:52
Speaker 3: going to be the Disneyland dad, But I just I
13:55
Speaker 3: needed some space and I also wanted to be with you,
13:58
Speaker 3: and that's why I just said that they could go.
14:00
Speaker 3: And all of a sudden, the whole situation makes sense.
14:02
Speaker 3: I know it's contextual rather than a blanket rule. A
14:05
Speaker 3: big problem that we've got, and I know that you
14:08
Speaker 3: were you had great intentions, but it was just poorly executed.
14:12
Speaker 3: And so just getting you to explain that to me
14:14
Speaker 3: is I explore with you. That's all I need. I
14:16
Speaker 3: can say, Oh, give me a heart. It's been so rough,
14:18
Speaker 3: hasn't it. Let's figure this out. What do we do
14:21
Speaker 3: next time so that we don't end up in this
14:23
Speaker 3: horrible situation. But there's the explore explained in power. Now
14:28
Speaker 3: if I try to have this conversation I get more
14:31
Speaker 3: of the disrespect that we saw in that email, then
14:33
Speaker 3: I think this is where we start to go. Where
14:36
Speaker 3: is this self focused response coming from? Where is this
14:40
Speaker 3: dynamic that is so dominance oriented built upon? And I
14:46
Speaker 3: actually think I want to say this really gently. I
14:49
Speaker 3: think that if we're in a situation where a partner
14:53
Speaker 3: in the relationship is not allowed to have a voice,
14:56
Speaker 3: that some serious questions about the relationship need to be
14:58
Speaker 3: asked and help needs to be gotten. How do we
15:04
Speaker 3: develop boundaries, how do we communicate through conflict? How do
15:07
Speaker 3: we figure this stuff out? Because if it's not going
15:10
Speaker 3: to be the pool, it's going to be screens, or
15:12
Speaker 3: it's going to be school, or it's going to be friends,
15:14
Speaker 3: or it's going to be the list is endless. So
15:18
Speaker 3: as a couple, we've got to be able to work
15:19
Speaker 3: it out. The short version of this explore, explain it, empower,
15:23
Speaker 3: try to understand where are they coming from, what happened there.
15:26
Speaker 3: That's not how we normally deal with things, and that's
15:29
Speaker 3: how you get on the same page. If there's an
15:32
Speaker 3: unwillingness that would strike me as being a form of dominance,
15:39
Speaker 3: it would be an inappropriate relationship dynamic. It's not a
15:42
Speaker 3: safe dynamic, and it leads to I think selfishness. That's
15:47
Speaker 3: not what a good relationship is built on. And that's
15:49
Speaker 3: the kind of relationship where people really need help. And
15:52
Speaker 3: so hopefully our podcast listener who sent this email through
15:56
Speaker 3: can get that help. I know that there's probably a
15:58
Speaker 3: lot more that we can add, but our time is
16:01
Speaker 3: up and in the podcast we can't provide a fully
16:04
Speaker 3: comprehensive answer. So a quick restate. Ideally have agreement, have
16:10
Speaker 3: alignment ahead of time. But if there is no alignment,
16:13
Speaker 3: then work it out behind closed doors. We don't want
16:16
Speaker 3: the kids to see us having a big blow up
16:18
Speaker 3: about what the rules are or are not.
16:20
Speaker 2: It actually creates a level of insecurity in our children.
16:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, it does.
16:24
Speaker 2: They need predictability and they need to know that their
16:27
Speaker 2: stability in the relationship and in the.
16:31
Speaker 3: Rules, not that your children should never see you have
16:34
Speaker 3: any disagreement. Number one, that's impossible, but number two, it's
16:38
Speaker 3: good for them to see that you do have disagreement,
16:40
Speaker 3: but that you can work it out. The ability to say,
16:42
Speaker 3: we're disagreeing about this, why don't we have a chat
16:45
Speaker 3: about it a little later and see if we can
16:47
Speaker 3: work it out when we're not both feeling a little
16:49
Speaker 3: bit emotional about it. If the kids can see you
16:51
Speaker 3: do that, you're now modeling really effective conflict resolution. And
16:56
Speaker 3: then you can go to the kids the next day
16:57
Speaker 3: and say, you know, how that thing happened yesterday between
17:00
Speaker 3: the two of us around this issue, what we chatted about
17:03
Speaker 3: it last night, and this is what we've agreed on.
17:06
Speaker 3: So we're teaching the children that we can have disagreements,
17:09
Speaker 3: that we can work through them, and that we can
17:10
Speaker 3: find resolutions. And the best way to get those resolutions
17:14
Speaker 3: is to explore, explain, and empower. I just think there's
17:16
Speaker 3: so much power in saying to your partner, where are
17:19
Speaker 3: you on this? I feel as though we're not aligned
17:22
Speaker 3: at all, and I thought we were. Can you just
17:25
Speaker 3: fill in the blanks for me, what's happened? How come
17:27
Speaker 3: you've shifted, just exploring and then explaining, so I'm still
17:31
Speaker 3: here and this is why, and then empowering, So where
17:35
Speaker 3: do you think we should go from here? How can
17:36
Speaker 3: we get alignment on this? I guess the last point
17:39
Speaker 3: that I would make, Kylie, is that nobody's ever going
17:41
Speaker 3: to be fully aligned with their husband, wife, spouse, partner.
17:44
Speaker 3: It's just it's not going to happen. You and I
17:47
Speaker 3: still don't agree on everything. There's a lot that will
17:51
Speaker 3: have minor discrepancies and disagreements about, but we never let
17:55
Speaker 3: those things become bigger than our relationship.
17:57
Speaker 2: I was having a conversation with our eldest daughter the
17:59
Speaker 2: other day. Been away for the weekend with another couple,
18:02
Speaker 2: and they just fought the whole weekend.
18:05
Speaker 3: The other couple fought the other couple, Yeah.
18:07
Speaker 2: And she kind of just looked at it and she
18:09
Speaker 2: was like, I've never experienced anything like this before. And
18:13
Speaker 2: one of the days she was talking to the guy
18:15
Speaker 2: and he was just like, this is just like Fawn,
18:19
Speaker 2: she said. And she just said, you've just been fighting
18:22
Speaker 2: like the whole time, and he said, well, she always
18:25
Speaker 2: wants to have a fight. She's gonna fight. I'm going
18:27
Speaker 2: to fight back and Chanelle's response was, mate, there always
18:32
Speaker 2: needs to be a teddy bear in the relationship.
18:37
Speaker 3: And she didn't get that from me.
18:38
Speaker 2: Well, as she talked about it, she said, Mom, she said,
18:41
Speaker 2: it really comes down to how you've been brought up,
18:43
Speaker 2: doesn't it, she said, because I think back on my childhood,
18:46
Speaker 2: and she said, I really I can't think if very
18:50
Speaker 2: many times where you and dad were outwardly aggressive and
18:54
Speaker 2: angry with each other. She said, for sure, you disagreed,
18:57
Speaker 2: she said, but I just watched how you and Dad
19:01
Speaker 2: dealt with things, and it was usually Dad, she acknowledged
19:04
Speaker 2: it was usually Dad was the big daddy bear. He
19:07
Speaker 2: just come and give you a big hug and tell
19:08
Speaker 2: you how much he loved you, and that there was
19:12
Speaker 2: nothing that I could do that would change the way
19:15
Speaker 2: you felt about me. And I just thought, again, so
19:20
Speaker 2: often as a parent you kind of sit there and
19:21
Speaker 2: you go, oh, we've had so many arguments, but what
19:24
Speaker 2: the kids have seen is how we've resolved it. It's
19:26
Speaker 2: not actually the argument that stands out to them, it's
19:30
Speaker 2: the way things end.
19:33
Speaker 3: Well, now you've got my eyes leaking. Thank you for
19:36
Speaker 3: sharing that. I guess to wrap up now that you've
19:39
Speaker 3: said that, I want this mum who send us this
19:41
Speaker 3: email to really consider what's going on with her husband.
19:46
Speaker 3: Why is he responding the way that he is and
19:48
Speaker 3: can she coax him into a more open conversation. Is
19:53
Speaker 3: he open to exploring, explaining and empowering. Is he open
19:56
Speaker 3: to conversations where there's a collaboration. Because a great parenting relationship,
20:01
Speaker 3: whether you're co parents or whether you're a couple, comes
20:04
Speaker 3: down to recognizing that this is a partnership. It only
20:08
Speaker 3: works if you work together and the kids will thrive
20:11
Speaker 3: so much more if there is security in that relationship.
20:14
Speaker 3: We really hope that this has been a helpful conversation.
20:16
Speaker 3: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from
20:18
Speaker 3: Bridge Media, with Craig Bruce as our executive producer. For
20:21
Speaker 3: more information about making your family happy, we would love
20:23
Speaker 3: for you to join us at Happy Families dot com
20:25
Speaker 3: dot au or visit our Facebook page. Our Facebook page
20:28
Speaker 3: is Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families. Tomorrow on important conversation
20:31
Speaker 3: on a Happy Families podcast with the Australian Federal Police
20:34
Speaker 3: about how much grooming is happening online and what we
20:37
Speaker 3: need to do to protect our kids, and then on Thursday,
20:40
Speaker 3: the Raising Resilient Kids Summit. If you haven't grabbed your tickets,
20:43
Speaker 3: time is running out less than forty eight hours until
20:45
Speaker 3: the summit kicks off. We can't wait to see you
20:48
Speaker 3: in what will be one of the most important conversations
20:50
Speaker 3: you can never have when it comes to raising resilient kids.
20:53
Speaker 3: We'll see you there.