Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1271 - The Power of Teaching Kids About Emotions

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#1271 - The Power of Teaching Kids About Emotions · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: In two thousand and two, I said goodbye to my
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: radio career. Usually when I tell this story, I describe
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: how I wanted to be a better parent and had
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: decided to go back to school to study psychology. But
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: there is a little more to the story and it
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: involved another at the time major Brisbane celebrity. All that
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  Speaker 1: more in today's episode of the Happy Families podcast Real
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  Speaker 1: Parenting Solutions Every Day. This is Australia's most don't not
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: a parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Couson. Did
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: you like my teas? Kylie, are you intrigued?
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  Speaker 2: I feel like you're about to share some dirt.
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  Speaker 1: No, no, nothing like that. However, back in, I should
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: just mention the content that I'm about to share may
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  Speaker 1: not be suitable for young years, so just be mindful
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  Speaker 1: for the next minute or so. Juicy story, good story,
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  Speaker 1: but not necessarily for the little kids. They might have
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: some questions for you. So let's go back two thousand
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  Speaker 1: and two. I'm working as a radio on houser at
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  Speaker 1: b on I five, Brisbanes B one and my job
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  Speaker 1: included some Saturday work. Every Saturday I showed up on
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  Speaker 1: the radio and did our usual just did a shift
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  Speaker 1: on air. I was asked one weekend to talk about
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  Speaker 1: our breakfast co host Penny Cooper and talk about where
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  Speaker 1: she was quote unquote having sex in the city. The
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  Speaker 1: reason for that was because the Sex in the City
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  Speaker 1: movie was premiering in Sydney and if people could work
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  Speaker 1: out from the clues that we were dropping whereabouts Penny was. Now,
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  Speaker 1: please bear in mind, she was neither anywhere at all.
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  Speaker 1: It was all pre recorded. It was just theater of
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  Speaker 1: the mind. And number two, she certainly wasn't being engaged
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  Speaker 1: in any intimate relations at the time. But the whole
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  Speaker 1: idea was workout where Penny Cooper is having sex in
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  Speaker 1: the city, and you could win flights for you and
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  Speaker 1: your best friend to go down to Sydney, attend the
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  Speaker 1: premiere and meet the stars of the movie. I can't
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  Speaker 1: remember who was coming out. It was like Sarah, Jessica
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  Speaker 1: Parker or someone and that was the prize, right And
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  Speaker 1: I went to management and I just said, I'm not
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  Speaker 1: comfortable being on the radio on a Saturday morning while
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  Speaker 1: mums are taking their kids to netball and dads are
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  Speaker 1: taking their kids to hockey or soccer and talking about this.
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  Speaker 1: I just don't think it's age appropriate content, and they
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  Speaker 1: basically told me too bad, so sad. So as a
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  Speaker 1: result of that, I ended up essentially no longer employed
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  Speaker 1: at Big one I five, I left the Osterio network,
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  Speaker 1: We went to court, went mediation, all sorts of challenges.
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  Speaker 1: It was a pretty miserable experience all the way around,
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  Speaker 1: and it affected us for many, many years because of
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  Speaker 1: that decision. I was already struggling with radio anyway, but
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  Speaker 1: that was the thing that sort of pushed me out
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  Speaker 1: the door. And that's when I decided that I was
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  Speaker 1: going to do the whole parenting thing, go back to
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  Speaker 1: UNI study. I was struggling as a parent. I've made
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  Speaker 1: a lot of mistakes. You had told me that I
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  Speaker 1: needed to improve, and it all kind of happened at
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  Speaker 1: the same time. But I got an email the other
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  Speaker 1: day from that same Penny Cooper, and in that email,
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  Speaker 1: she told me that she has left radio and she
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  Speaker 1: now works in a completely different industry, doing a completely
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  Speaker 1: different thing. She's also married, so she now has a
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  Speaker 1: different surname. And she emailed me just to say that
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  Speaker 1: she wanted to say thanks for standing up for her
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  Speaker 1: back in the B and I. Five days she commented
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  Speaker 1: that she knew that was challenging, but I stood up
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  Speaker 1: for my principles. And then she also mentioned that they
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  Speaker 1: were kind of horrible people and that I didn't deserve
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  Speaker 1: the treatment that I got there, but that none of
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  Speaker 1: us did. And then she told me that her life
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  Speaker 1: is really good. But the reason I'm sharing it is
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  Speaker 1: is this. I was just standing up for my principles,
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  Speaker 1: and because I was young. I think she's been very
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  Speaker 1: generous in her email, do you know what I mean?
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  Speaker 1: Like I had never really thought of her perspective. I
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  Speaker 1: was selfishly thinking about myself and about my values. But
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  Speaker 1: do you think about it, Why was it not that
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  Speaker 1: Jamie Dunn was having sex in the city, or the
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  Speaker 1: in Skippon was having sex in the city. Why was
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  Speaker 1: it Penny Cooper. It's just this ongoing sexualization of women,
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  Speaker 1: always making them out to be the ones. I just
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  Speaker 1: wish that I'd been a much better advocate for her.
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  Speaker 1: I was way too young, I was way out of depth,
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  Speaker 1: and I was definitely way too self focused. I don't
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  Speaker 1: think I deserve the credit that she's given me, But
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  Speaker 1: it was just a really delightful message to receive, and
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  Speaker 1: I wanted to share that because when you take us
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  Speaker 1: down on principle, When you take us down on principle,
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  Speaker 1: when you know what you value, it's not just a
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  Speaker 1: selfish thing. It really has effects that that ripple out significantly.
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  Speaker 2: Thinking back to that experience, it was one of the
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  Speaker 2: most challenging experiences that we'd had in our marriage to date,
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  Speaker 2: but I would say across the board in our married
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  Speaker 2: life it has been one of the most challenging experiences
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  Speaker 2: we've had. But I would also say one of the
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  Speaker 2: most defining moments of our lives as you really recognized
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  Speaker 2: what was important to you and what you stood for,
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  Speaker 2: and it didn't turn out well. Moment it didn't turn
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  Speaker 2: out well. We literally literally turned our lives upside down.
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  Speaker 1: Twenty three years down the track, we're glad for it,
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  Speaker 1: but it took a long time. It took more than
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  Speaker 1: ten or twelve years to get over that.
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  Speaker 2: It's not even that when I look back, I think
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  Speaker 2: that it was good. It was pivotal in the lives
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  Speaker 2: that we now live. And to receive an email twenty
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  Speaker 2: three years later acknowledging the impact of that one moment
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  Speaker 2: that in the moment turned our lives upside down, actually
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  Speaker 2: had it had a profound impact on someone else were positive.
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  Speaker 2: Just emphasizes the importance and the power of the one.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Let me extend it in a slightly different direction
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  Speaker 1: as well. We try to protect our kids from anything
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  Speaker 1: that could be too confronting, that anything, anything that could
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  Speaker 1: upset them. And yet you work out who you are
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  Speaker 1: when you are confronted. You work out who you are
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  Speaker 1: when you put into a situation where you have to
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  Speaker 1: make a moral choice. Who am I? What do I believe?
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  Speaker 1: What are my values? What is my identity?
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  Speaker 2: And it's interesting when we look back at that experience,
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  Speaker 2: we were making moral choices kind of on a weekly
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  Speaker 2: basis because of the career choice that you've made.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, the media is not exactly the most safe
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  Speaker 1: space morally.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And it was getting more and more tricky the
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  Speaker 2: further up the ladder you went. And while it was challenging,
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  Speaker 2: I think when I think of the experiences we've had,
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  Speaker 2: it's one of the moments where I'm most proud of
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  Speaker 2: who you are and who you were striving to be
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  Speaker 2: in that moment.
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  Speaker 1: I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. Thanks for
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  Speaker 1: that anyway. That was just a quick little news bit
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: that's taken more than half the podcast, so for older
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: better tomorrow for those of you those who are new
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: to the pod. Every Friday, we talk about what worked
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and what didn't during the week, and we try to
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  Speaker 1: get our head around how we can be more intentional
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  Speaker 1: as parents. After the break, we'll tell you our big
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  Speaker 1: story for the week. Just gone. Okay, Kylie, I'll do
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  Speaker 1: about it tomorrow. You wanted to share the same thing
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: that I wanted to share, so I'm just going to
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  Speaker 1: outline it and then you can add the color and
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  Speaker 1: flavor that you think matters. We make a really explicit
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  Speaker 1: point of trying to teach our children principles and practices
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  Speaker 1: things that will improve their lives. And over the last
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  Speaker 1: several years, we've tried to on the first Sunday of
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  Speaker 1: every month sit down with the kids and talk to
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  Speaker 1: them about a tricky topic, talk to them about a
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  Speaker 1: big issue, and we've been reasonably successful with it, although
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  Speaker 1: we've been a bit hit and miss, and with my traveling,
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  Speaker 1: it just makes it tricky to get it done all
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  Speaker 1: the time. So here's what we've decided. Instead, we're going
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  Speaker 1: to do it every week instead of once every four
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  Speaker 1: or five weeks. We're going to establish the habit. And
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  Speaker 1: the reason for that is if you want things to change,
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  Speaker 1: you can't do them inconsistently. You have to do them regularly.
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  Speaker 1: Is ideal, but obviously we can't do this every day.
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  Speaker 1: Once a week's fine.
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  Speaker 2: One hundred percent is easier than ninety nine percent.
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  Speaker 1: That's one of my favorite sayings. I'm so glad to
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  Speaker 1: hear that it's finally getting That's great. All right, So
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  Speaker 1: here's the conversation that we had with our kids on Sunday.
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  Speaker 1: I wanted to talk to them about emotions, and so
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  Speaker 1: I began by describing what an emotion is and how
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  Speaker 1: emotions exist on two dimensions. There's the energetic dimension and
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  Speaker 1: the pleasantness dimension. So you can have high emotional lower emotion,
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  Speaker 1: and you can have pleasant emotion or unpleasant emotion. And
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  Speaker 1: then we walked through, so what does it look like?
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  Speaker 1: What is an emotion that is highly pleasant and highly energetic?
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  Speaker 2: And the kid said, We're gonna have to get a
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  Speaker 2: new describe next week because i can't even read your writing.
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  Speaker 2: They said things like excited, joyful, passion, happy, hope, exhilaration, inspired, creative.
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  Speaker 1: We've got the point related. Okay, so this is high
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  Speaker 1: pleasantness and high energy. And then we went to the
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  Speaker 1: bottom right hand quad and I said, okay, what is
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  Speaker 1: still highly pleasant but has low energy? And they said
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  Speaker 1: they really.
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  Speaker 2: Struggled with this, the idea that it was a pleasant
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  Speaker 2: emotion but didn't have much energy to it. It took
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  Speaker 2: them a while, but once they got there they did.
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  Speaker 2: They said things like calm, peace or scentered. That was
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  Speaker 2: really cool word. I love that, Yeah, gratitude, empowered, confident.
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  Speaker 1: Okay. Then we went to the other side of the
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  Speaker 1: y axis and I said, what about low energy emotions
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  Speaker 1: that are unpleasant, which.
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  Speaker 2: Probably shouldn't use white bull markers either, because somebody's rubbed
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  Speaker 2: them out. I think it says weary, yep, sad. Right,
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  Speaker 2: And there's two others there that I.
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  Speaker 1: Can't read, okay, but you get the idea. And then,
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  Speaker 1: of course, you know the one that they didn't have
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  Speaker 1: any trouble with, highly energetic, highly unpleasant. They went crazy with.
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  Speaker 2: Them instantly, anger, anxiety, stress, envy, irritation, jealousy, And so.
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  Speaker 1: We talked about why they knew those ones best and
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  Speaker 1: how that felt, and just sort of laid around with
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  Speaker 1: these ideas, what are our emotions and how do they
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  Speaker 1: move us because the word emotion has the same root
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  Speaker 1: as the word motivation, and both of them are related
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  Speaker 1: to the idea of movement. We talked about how emotions
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  Speaker 1: are something that you're supposed to move through rather than
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  Speaker 1: park yourself inside of, and the idea that emotions are
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  Speaker 1: like waves on the beach. They come up and they
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  Speaker 1: go back out.
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  Speaker 2: I like this idea of recognizing that an emotion is
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  Speaker 2: something that we feel, it's not something that we are. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: and the distinction between that because so often the words
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  Speaker 2: we use are I am angry, right, and so we
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  Speaker 2: identify as being the emotion, as opposed to acknowledging we're
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  Speaker 2: having an emotion and there's power and recognizing that it
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  Speaker 2: isn't us. It's an emotion that we're experiencing in the moment,
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  Speaker 2: and outside of a handful of very small, challenging emotions,
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  Speaker 2: the emotions that we feel we only feel for a
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  Speaker 2: really brief moment unless we choose to stay in that space.
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  Speaker 1: So I've learned a little bit of Spanish, and something
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  Speaker 1: that I learned was that they don't say I'm hungry,
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  Speaker 1: they say I have hunger. Tengo hungry, Okay, So t
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  Speaker 1: is I have so I have this emotion, but I
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  Speaker 1: am not this emotion, and I think that's really really important.
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  Speaker 1: Just incidentally, as a quick aside, the other day, one
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  Speaker 1: of our children was having an extremely big emotion. She
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  Speaker 1: was not the emotion, but she certainly was having it.
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  Speaker 1: And I reminded her of the waves coming in and
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  Speaker 1: going out, and I said, but sometimes it doesn't feel
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  Speaker 1: like a wave is coming in and out. Sometimes it
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  Speaker 1: feels like the whole ocean has come in. It feels
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  Speaker 1: like the tide has come in and it's still coming
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  Speaker 1: because it's not always just five or ten or fifteen seconds,
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  Speaker 1: it's a whole lot more. So, we talked about emotions
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  Speaker 1: and how they work, how they come in, how they
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  Speaker 1: go out, and then essentially we stepped across to this
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  Speaker 1: idea of emotion regulation. I said, there are three things
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  Speaker 1: that you need to remember. Number one, emotion regulation is
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  Speaker 1: the ability to turn your emotions up or down. Number two,
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  Speaker 1: it's got to be appropriate for the context. And number three,
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  Speaker 1: it's got to be in harmony with your long term goals.
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  Speaker 1: So long term goals might be having good family relationships,
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  Speaker 1: or long term goals could be maintaining a good friendship
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  Speaker 1: or doing well at school or keeping your job or
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  Speaker 1: whatever it is, depending on the agent of being healthy. Yeah, absolutely,
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  Speaker 1: So Can I turn my emotions down so that I
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  Speaker 1: can maintain good family relationships because I know that having
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  Speaker 1: a happy family matters. Or can I turn my emotions
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  Speaker 1: up because I'm supposed to go on a run because
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  Speaker 1: I'm trying to be healthy, but I'm not really feeling
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  Speaker 1: motivated at Or can I just ramp that up because
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  Speaker 1: of this long term goal that I have it's appropriate
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  Speaker 1: for the context. And the kids really responded well to that,
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  Speaker 1: and I said, so, what are the adaptive things and
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  Speaker 1: what are the maladaptive things that we do to respond
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  Speaker 1: to our emotions? And this, to me was the practical part,
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  Speaker 1: and this was where we really had some big wins.
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  Speaker 1: So simple, so easy. I can't remember what they said now.
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  Speaker 1: Maladaptive they said, it's maladaptive if you're having a big.
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  Speaker 2: Emotion to isolate, say alone.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, to be alone in your room. With what they
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  Speaker 1: didn't say, and we should have probably put in there
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  Speaker 1: as well, is it's also maladaptive to throw things, punch balls,
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  Speaker 1: slam doors, yell at your sister, to your parents you
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  Speaker 1: don't like them, and those kinds of things because they
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  Speaker 1: are maladaptive outcomes to those emotions. But the adaptive ones
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  Speaker 1: hit me with the answers that they gave us.
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  Speaker 2: One of the kids actually said, clean and I get
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  Speaker 2: picked up because in the early days it's about marriage.
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  Speaker 2: They're clearly not angry enough. In the early days of
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  Speaker 2: our marriage, if I was cranky, our house would be
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: spotless in a couple of hours, like top to bottom,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: because that was when my best cleaning got done. So
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  Speaker 2: I just thought it was hilarious that they said that.
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  Speaker 2: They talked about running and moving your body. They talked
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  Speaker 2: about laughing, music, playing games, cold water and how that
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  Speaker 2: resets us, hugs, physical tarts, playing with the dog, hanging
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  Speaker 2: out with friends, and other good people. Reading with just
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: a few of the things that they had on their list.
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  Speaker 1: So I guess the main reason that I wanted to
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  Speaker 1: share this well two things. First of all, let's finish
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: the conversation about emotions. The summery is this. If you're
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: feeling big emotions and they're negative, If they're unpleasant emotions
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: and highly energetic or even low on energy, the standard response,
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  Speaker 1: the maladaptive response, is to take that out on other
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: people or to isolate yourself and be alone and stare
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  Speaker 1: at a screen. It doesn't work. It actually makes things worse.
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  Speaker 1: What you need to do is move to action, ideally
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: outside and ideally with other people.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: I know it's a little bit stereotypical, but I think
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: of the average teenage girl. She's just had her heart broken,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: and so her natural instinct is to raise into her room,
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: slam the door shut, dark room, no lights, and she
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: listens to every heartbreak song on the radio over and
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: over and over again.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: Heart reading on the radio. How old are you? That's
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: so fun?
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: All right, so it sounds better than Spotify.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: Okay, So overall, here's the take home message. To help
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: our children to do well, we need to teach them,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: and sometimes explicit teaching is necessary. The kids loved it.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: We had a really great conversation. They were engaged, they
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: played around with a whole lot of ideas, and.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: As always, there's always one child who just makes the
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: lesson that much better because they actually prove.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: It, embodied it. Yeah, we embodied on the spot. We
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: had one that was just miserable the whole time and
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: giving Oh my goodness, So there's always one anyway, That's
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  Speaker 1: how I'll do better tomorrow. Explicit teaching for kids. Just
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: pick something that they need to know about, Like, it
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: doesn't have to be psychological, it can just be a chat.
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  Speaker 1: We want to have a twenty minute chat every Sunday.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to make it part of our routine, part
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: of our tradition. Why because we care about you and
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: we want you to make good decisions. And over time,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: as they get into the habit of it and the
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: routine of it with really simple discussions, then you can
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: start to move some and move to some bigger and
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: more challenging ones like the federal government's Consent Can't Wait
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: campaign that I'm an ambassador for. It's worth bringing up
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: those kinds of things if the kids are the right age.
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  Speaker 2: In the early days, when our kids were much younger,
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: we created some family values and so we actually cycled through.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Them, Yeah about gratitude every few.
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  Speaker 2: Weeks, and we just did lessons that were practical and
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: hands on for the kids to appreciate and understand the
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: concept of each of these values on a regular basis.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: So we hope that there's some ideas that we will
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: share with you and outline of what we discussed in
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: the show notes. In case you want to talk to
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: your kids about how they can regulate their emotions better.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: I think it's pretty suitable for most families most of
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: the time. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Ruland from Bridge Media. Thanks so much for listening, Hope
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: you have a great weekend. Good luck with your family
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: time this weekend, and we'll talk to you again on Monday.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: If you like more info and resources to make family
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: happy at you find it all happy families dot com,
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: dot a