Latest / Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul / The Therapy Approach Trauma Survivors Need (That Most Therapists Skip)

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The Therapy Approach Trauma Survivors Need (That Most Therapists Skip) · Healing Her Story with Riva Jean-Paul

• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome to today's episode of the Healing Her Story Podcast.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am coming to you with a solo episode.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this solo episode is inspired by Scorpio season.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: By the time this episode airs, it will be landing in the first week of Scorpio season.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And as we are also here in the Northern Hemisphere, several weeks into the season of autumn, I want to offer you a moment here to check in and to reflect on anything that may have been standing out to you.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're really attuned and aware to the energetics of this time of the year, chances are you might be feeling some things.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily bad things, but things, emotions, feelings, sensations that come from the deeper layers of our inner world.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: As we have less light during the day, we are invited to begin opening up to the more shadowy, darker aspects, hidden aspects of ourselves that come to the surface during this time of the year.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, I want to make sure that if you're on your healing journey and you're experiencing some grief, or maybe some seasonal blues, or maybe you've been a bit more anxious lately just with the current state of the world.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the holidays looming can be really stressful for people.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're experiencing all of that right now, I really want to make sure that you're tending to yourself in the right way.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now you will have to discern what the right way is for you.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not here to tell you that.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: As much as you may like me to, I truly believe we have to really get to know ourselves and what works best for us.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So taking all that I shared today with a grain of salt, and at the end of the episode, I'll offer you an opportunity to explore this a little bit deeper if this is resonating for you.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you're anything like me, you might have come from a complicated home.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Whether that's abuse, neglect, other things that I maybe haven't named here.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us I guess I'll speak for myself and what I've what I've seen in my practice is that almost every single woman who comes to me expressing challenges with some of the things I've already named here: anxiety, depression, integrating the experiences from the early stages of our lives.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Almost every single one of them has come from a broken home.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And the spectrum of broken here is exactly that.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a spectrum.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's on, not that they're comparable, but if we want to say more of a little T experience versus like a big T experience, there can be some range there.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And the size of the experience isn't always exclusive with the impact that that has.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard people say that I didn't come from an abusive home.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: My parents loved me, took good care of me.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I I would agree I came from a background like that as well.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yet for some of us, there is something missing.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's not about what happened, it's about what didn't happen.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And what didn't happen can leave just as a significant, lasting impact on a person than when compared to a big T experience.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So wherever you are on that spectrum, I really want to honor the impact that your history has had on your system.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, when we consider ourselves maybe survivors, there are things that we need to consider when we are wanting to support ourselves or when we're wanting to heal from some of these experiences.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And to start, I'd like to share my personal experience with this.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: In 2020, I think, like so many of us, I had reached rock bottom.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was living my life in a completely unsustainable way, filled with cycles of abuse and dysfunction.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I was being abused, but more of so I was abusing myself with substances and with dysfunctional coping strategies.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was forced to slow down, when the world was forced to slow down, I really had no choice but to turn towards those things inside of me that were aching, breaking, screaming, calling out for love, really.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember one day I was in this room that I'm in right now, the room that I'm recording in right now, I found myself on the floor, literally curled into a ball, weeping, crying, sobbing.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew at that point that I needed help.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: That whatever I was going through, whatever I was doing wasn't working, and I needed some different perspective.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: I needed some support.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I began this journey of healing and exploring different resources and ways of going of going about getting support.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And at the time I had, you know, insurance and I used whatever providers were available on my insurance plan.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I wound up in a psychologist's office.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was selecting this psychologist, I thought I wanted someone older who had some experience.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I went to this office.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: This psychologist will not be named, and I had a few sessions with this psychologist, and they were okay.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: That was my first time in a therapeutic experience.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was kind of learning how to navigate that.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I remembered when I really began to open up more about some of the deeper things that I had experienced in my life, particularly some of the things I had experienced in my childhood.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I remember her one day after, you know, sharing this heartbreaking thing that happened to me as a little girl.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Was that the only time that happened?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I said, There was maybe one or two other times, but yeah, that was one of the most significant times.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And she said, Oh, well, you're just sensitive.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I cannot accurately describe the disconnection I felt in that moment with her.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I just gendered her.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And also the disconnection that I felt within myself.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Here I was opening up in what's supposed to be the safe space about something so vulnerable and heartbreaking to me.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm told the exact thing that my parents told me was that, oh, you're just sensitive.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't feel right.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I was quite offended.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And after that visit, I stopped seeing her.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: That was my last session with her.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And there was some buildup to that.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: There had been another conversation where I began to open up about my use of psychedelics, specifically psilocybin, and using microdosing as a way to support myself getting off of the substances I was abusing.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And she began to tell me how that was wrong and how that if I was having trouble with this substance, then I'm always going to have trouble, and you can't do it that way, and that's not going to work.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know anything about the research on psychedelics right now, you might know that that is complete bullshit.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying it works for everyone, but for her to be so sure that a way that I was exploring wouldn't work for me, it didn't feel right.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then she told me I was just sensitive.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: So clearly I stopped seeing her after that.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I began to explore what some might call alternative ways of healing.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And as I continued down that path, I first discovered somatic breath work and then discovered somatic work and trauma-informed care.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And once I got to the somatic work and the trauma-informed care, I was finally able to understand why that first experience didn't work and why it left a bad taste in my mouth.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to what does work?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I will say that approach used by that psychologist, perhaps that is an approach that might work for some.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: But for someone like myself who comes from a background of emotional neglect, that kind of care doesn't work for someone like me.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're someone like me who's come from neglect or maybe you've come from abuse in your childhood, then I'm gonna say that that type of approach isn't gonna work for you either.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you've ever gone to a therapist and had this experience where you felt invalidated, where you felt like you truly weren't being heard or understood or seen, then I'm gonna offer you today an approach that does work, works a lot better for people from this background.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And to help you get a sense of what's called a person-centered approach, I'm gonna offer you a metaphor inspired by nature.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here a while, you'll know that this is one of my favorite ways to teach.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: A seed is planted into the ground.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: With time, water, and sunlight, it sprouts.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Its roots burrow into the earth.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: The first shoot pushes upward, bending into a hook as it works its way through the soil.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: It reaches light, straightens itself out, and so long as it has the right conditions, it keeps growing.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: That is the foundation of person-centered approaches.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: The belief that every human is born with an with an intrinsic motivation to self-actualize, to heal, to grow.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Just the same way a seed already knows how to become a plant.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: A person only needs the right conditions.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's a deep trust in the innate gifts, abilities, and intelligence that already live within a person.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning there's no fixing required, no outside expert required to install something that isn't already there.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most important pieces about this orientation, this person-centered approach, which is something that I offer my clients.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is something I've been trained in extensively since 2022.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's something called unconditional positive regard.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't about agreeing with someone's choice or behaviors.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's about loving, supporting, and seeing the humanness of a person in spite of those choices, because behind every choice, behind every behavior, there is an explanation.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's not one that we can intellectually understand, there is a reason.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say a hundred percent of the time, it is because we are either trying to protect or survive.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: We're either trying to protect something vulnerable or we're trying to protect ourselves and ensure our survival.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we can view when I'll I'll say when a practitioner or a therapist or a coach can view the person on the other side in this way, with that sense of compassion and empathy as the undertone, a person is given the room to develop their own self-determination.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is the ability to look within and make choices about one's life instead of following someone else's direction from outside of themselves.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: And why this works, I'll tell you why in a moment, for trauma survivors.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: It works because it gives power back.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes the person the expert of their own lived experience instead of handing that authority to someone else.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: For many trauma survivors, we lose our sense of choice and our sense of agency.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And through this approach, when supported in this way, you can start to get some of that choice and that agency back.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Now, as I've said, my training in trauma-informed care from a trauma specialist and expressive arts trauma therapist has really ingrained this way of orienting into my being.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: It comes so naturally to me now.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is how I see myself.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is how I see my clients, and as hard as it is, it's also how I really try to see my friends, my coworkers, my colleagues, my students, every person that I come into contact with.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Change is always more powerful when somebody chooses it for themselves.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Change might be a little slower in that way.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it creates more lasting change.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And part of why this works is because the power dynamic becomes more balanced in these types of settings.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: The therapist isn't sitting in the seat of the authority all-knowing over the client.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, it's about supporting and awakening the wisdom that already lives within the client.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: So, in these types of settings, there's a way of kind of stepping back, allowing for pauses, for silence, giving lots of choice.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it then becomes the client's responsibility to lead the session.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is where a lot of therapy misses for trauma survivors.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Western culture, generally speaking, doesn't really value a person finding their own wisdom within.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: From the moment we start school, we are trained to think what others want us to think and to think in the ways that they want us to think.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so many people grow up outsourcing their sense of well-being to a doctor, to a provider, to a therapist, to a coach who will just tell them what to do.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for someone whose trauma already came from having their agency taken away, that dynamic can end up repeating the very pattern that hurt them in the first place.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: I will say that this approach may or may not be for everyone.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: If someone needs something that's more focused or brief, this slower, more spacious style of working might take a little bit longer.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: It also may not be the right fit for phobias or OCD, which often respend respond better to more structured approaches.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it does depend on a cultural context, too.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: For example, if someone's background doesn't really value being in touch with their feelings in this way, or if the therapist themselves isn't actually able to hold the nuances and the complexities of a client, then they may not be the best fit for offering care in this way.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: The more I've learned about this orientation, the more it's affirmed what I already know and sense inside.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a complex world filled with daily challenges and oppressive systems.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, orienting to people, to life in this way, it really gives me hope.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: It gives me hope that we can all change, that we can all heal, that we can all grow so long as we are given the right conditions.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: If this is landing for you and you'd like to go a layer deeper, maybe explore some of the more professional lens behind this, plus some actual practices that you can work with rather than just think about it.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a post waiting for you over on Substack.
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just launched my new Substack page.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: And over there I've included the written form, the original essay that inspired this post, this episode.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I've also included a journal prompt and a somatic meditation over there on Substack to go along with it.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: For just kind of looking ahead, this is where I'll be taking some of these teachings a little further.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: I've experimented with so many things.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm gonna experiment with this for a little while.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: So you can find that in the show notes.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And what I'm offering on Substack is a little taste of what you'll be able to experience as a paid subscriber.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_00: So for this month, this post along with the meditation and the journal prompt are going to be free.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then starting in November, these essays that go a little bit deeper and offer the practices to support the teaching will be offered to our paid subscribers starting in November.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a very nominal amount.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's I believe$7 for the monthly.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what the annual is, and there's also a founding member.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you're just really in love with my work and you'd like to support me, continue creating and sharing in this way.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that you'll join me over on Substack.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, you can find all the details in the show notes.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.