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Family Support Groups: Helping Loved Ones with Addiction · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  We have many people across the state who are recovering from many different things.
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  And most people are parts of families. And so that means that our families are impacted.
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  Hello and welcome to Talking FACS, where we share information that you can
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  use to strengthen your family, your community, and our state.
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  I'm your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support,
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  the Family and Consumer Sciences Extension.
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  My guest today, Dr. Alex Elswick, who is our Extension Specialist for Substance
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  Use Prevention and Recovery, is here to talk about support groups for families. Welcome, Alex.
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  Thanks so much, Mindy. This is such an important conversation because support
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  is vital to recovery and families are that first line of defense.
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  That's exactly right. Right. And we like to say that addiction is a family disease.
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  And maybe that seems obvious, but just like you said, most people are part of
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  a family, whether they chose to be or not.
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  And it's kind of the thing you learn in the discipline that I kind of came up
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  in, in family science, that we're inextricably linked to each other,
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  sort of whether we like it or not.
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  And so what impacts one of us impacts the rest.
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  In family sciences, we always use the example of the mobile that hangs above
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  an infant's crib, right?
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  And when you manipulate one piece, all the other pieces move. Exactly.
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  And so that's especially true when it comes to addictions, that when one member
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  of a family develops a substance use disorder that the entire family is impacted.
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  And sometimes that's in some really obvious ways, and sometimes that's in some
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  really kind of subtle and insidious ways.
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  And that's why families, as you said, are a first line of defense and a really
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  critical source of support.
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  I love that analogy because it really does show how families support
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  and can also hurt those who are recovering or those who are in situations where
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  they found themselves addicted to whatever it is, whether it's substances or,
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  as we've talked about before, screens or food or technology,
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  whatever the addiction might be.
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  The litany of things. In fact, there's a great...
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  term that I learned not too long ago, you know, the part of your brain that
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  sort of gets hijacked, the reward pathway is called your limbic system.
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  And so any of the industries that prey on your limbic system,
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  it's called limbic capitalism.
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  And so thinking about gambling, thinking about screens, thinking about technology,
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  food, all the things that really prey on that part of our brain.
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  And yeah, so as you've said, we have to engage families in that kind of support process.
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  And as we talked about in a previous podcast, we talked about different pathways of recovery.
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  One of the things I wanted us to underscore in this podcast today is the different
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  kinds of support for family members.
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  Because sometimes we're led to believe that support has to look a certain way.
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  And in reality, really all families are different.
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  And so all kinds of support systems might look a little different.
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  Exactly. And just as you mentioned, you know, every person who lives with an
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  addiction issue, they're different too.
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  And so we can't support everybody in the same way. That's right.
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  Before we go any further, what is the purpose of family mutual aid meetings?
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  So it may seem obvious, but as we said, since addictions of family disease,
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  since families are emotionally entangled, family members are impacted.
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  And that means even when they think they aren't. Right.
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  Which oftentimes, you know, just as a person with a substance use disorder can
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  experience denial or ambivalence, family members often experience denial or ambivalence.
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  And not just about their loved one's addictions, but about the way that their
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  loved one's addictions are impacting them.
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  And so just by way of obvious example, I tell you this with permission,
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  my mom would say this, that it took her some time to realize that she was losing
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  weight and losing sleep and experiencing changes in appetite.
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  All these things that you would associate with a physical illness,
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  and they were consequences of depression.
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  Her son going through an addiction. And so an example of the way that all that really manifests.
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  So having said that, as obvious as it may seem, there are support groups in
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  place specifically for family members.
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  And the goal is not necessarily how do we fix your loved one's addiction.
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  The goal is how do we support you? Because by yourself, you're worthy of support.
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  Well, and just as we have support groups for all types of families who are supporting
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  people with numerous chronic diseases, as you've said before.
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  Addiction is a chronic disease.
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  That's exactly right. And so why would we not have support groups for families
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  who have family members who are experiencing addiction?
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  That's a great connection, Mindy, because just like with other chronic diseases,
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  you know, give the example of diabetes, for instance, you don't just have emotional
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  support, but you might have access to some better education and some better information.
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  You might have access to, you know, some new resources or some new.
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  So the same thing happens for families.
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  With the chronic disease of addiction. You and I have talked,
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  you know, my husband has recently been diagnosed with heart disease.
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  And because I thought I knew a lot about heart disease, but because of the family
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  support now that I am in, I have learned so much more about heart disease than I knew.
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  And it's the same with any other type of chronic disease. When you have that
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  support, you get more education.
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  You get more support. just
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  support it then you think you would have otherwise
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  and you don't feel like you're all alone we all
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  need support and that's it Mindy it's not just tangible
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  support and education and information but
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  it's those like sometimes people say that the two most
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  powerful words in mental health are me too you know me also so there's some
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  you know one thing to be said for being supported by a doctor or being supported
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  by a loved one or a friend but to be in a support group with other people who
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  are truly peers in the sense that they're going through or have gone through
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  exactly what you've gone through is really a unique experience.
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  And people can uniquely build rapport over that. I think especially family members
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  who, in the chaos of addiction, everything's swirling around.
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  And it's hard to know which way is up and what's the correct and accurate information
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  and what's the right thing to do.
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  And to be able to lean on people who have been exactly where you've been is
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  a really powerful experience and that's what that's what really a support group of any kind will offer.
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  A family member. And as we've talked before, there's no indicator for who is
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  going to experience addiction.
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  You know, it's not like you can say, well, he doesn't exercise enough or she's
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  overweight, so she's going to be addicted.
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  Or, you know, all of these things that maybe with other chronic diseases we
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  might be able to target, with addiction you can't except for the family history.
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  It's complicated because family
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  history isn't, all it is, is increasing likelihood. It's not a guarantee.
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  So my sister has, you know, what we would assume to be similar genetic risk,
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  my biological sister, to what I have.
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  And we could not have had more vastly different experiences with drug and addiction,
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  you know, which is to say she never used them and I used them all.
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  What kinds of addiction support groups are there for families?
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  So it's important to recognize that there are actually many, many.
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  And most people are not aware of that. I wasn't until I got years and years into this work.
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  I actually was in this field for a time before I realized that there were many
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  groups. So it's really worth mentioning.
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  So the one that most people will be most familiar with is called Al-Anon. Sure.
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  And so Al-Anon is a companion program for friends and family members to AA.
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  And so it's really based on a lot of the same philosophy as is taught in a 12-step program.
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  Actually, family members follow a 12 steps of their own.
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  And there's a lot of wonderful things to say about Al-Anon, in particular that
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  like AA, it's kind of ubiquitous.
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  So you can find Al-Anon in lots of different communities and it's going to have
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  the same basic structure.
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  So, you know, if you're a family member and you happen to be on vacation,
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  but you feel like you need some support, You could go to a local Al-Anon meeting
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  at your vacation spot, and even though you might not know the people,
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  you'll recognize the literature, you'll recognize the routine.
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  There's a familiarity there that helps people in that sense.
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  But there are also many others.
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  Adult Children of Alcoholics is designed specifically for people whose parents
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  had an alcohol use disorder.
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  Alateen is for teenagers and young adults who themselves have a parent with
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  a substance use disorder.
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  But then there are lots of support groups that are not affiliated with 12-step programs.
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  And so there are support groups like SMART friends and family.
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  We mentioned SMART when we talked in our last podcast about multiple pathways of recovery.
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  SMART is based on cognitive behavioral principles. It's kind of more of a skill-based,
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  approach. There's a program called PAL, Parents of Addicted Loved Ones.
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  There's GRASP, which is Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing.
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  It's specifically for family members grieving the loss of a loved one.
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  And so just like we say there are many pathways of recovery for individuals,
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  there are so many pathways of recovery for families.
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  And part of the reason I think it's important to understand that is because
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  I'm afraid that sometimes family members will just try the first one.
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  And if it doesn't resonate with them, that they're going to throw the baby out
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  with the bathwater and not going to benefit from what might be some really genuine support.
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  As we said with multiple pathways of recovery, we're not the same.
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  We're not all the same. And so you're going to need to try on different support
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  groups to find the one that fits for you, the one that speaks to your heart
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  and makes you feel comfortable.
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  And it might not be the same for every member of the family, I'm guessing.
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  That's exactly right. Right. And for some family members, there are certain
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  values, certain things that might be non-negotiables.
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  For some people, their faith is a non-negotiable.
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  And so they wouldn't think of taking a recovery pathway that didn't center their faith.
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  And that makes sense for them. But for another person, if they're a person who
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  is agnostic or secular or doesn't have a faith background.
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  Then telling them that the only way that they can get support is by going to
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  a program that talks about God might be a real barrier to them.
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  It might be a real impediment to them finding the kind of support that they
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  need. So I think it surprises people to learn not just that there are different
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  support groups, but that it matters.
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  That what makes these groups different is their different philosophies and those
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  philosophies about what it means to be addicted and what it means to recover from addiction.
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  And that's really going to change the kinds of guidance and advice that they give.
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  And I think it's just important that families be aware of that so that they're
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  actually making those decisions as a sort of informed consumer.
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  So, are family support groups well known? So, no.
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  General, no. I mean, I think, had you heard of Al-Anon prior to this conversation?
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  I had heard of Al-Anon. And actually, Alateen.
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  And those are probably the only two that I've heard. And I would say that is
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  the perfect example of what I mean by single story.
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  That's what most people have heard in terms of addiction recovery is a 12-step program.
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  And that's what if people are even aware
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  that there's a family program that's all they're aware
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  of is a 12-step based program and i want
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  to be clear if i haven't said it already at least once i'm not
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  making any type of a disparaging remark about 12-step programs I'm just making
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  it clear that that's just one pathway and so that works for lots of people and
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  it doesn't work for everybody and it's important that we recognize that if it
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  doesn't work for you that all hope isn't lost There are so many other ways that people get well,
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  but if you go talk, for instance, to your primary care provider,
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  who is not an addiction specialist, they're a generalist because they have to
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  be an expert of so many different things, they're probably only going to be familiar with Al-Anon.
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  And so if you come and talk about your loved one's addiction,
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  that may be the only resource they have to provide you.
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  Well, and there are counselors who...
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  Specialize in addiction recovery. Exactly.
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  And so if you're not getting what you need from your generalist,
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  then you need to seek out those people who give you the care you need. Absolutely.
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  So how can families go about choosing the support group that fits their needs the best?
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  It's an important question. And I liken this a little bit to trying to engage a therapist.
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  And the reason I say that is because if you've ever tried to do that,
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  I have. It's kind of luck of the draw.
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  There are so many therapists, and this is not, I don't mean to say anything
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  mean about the profession of therapy, but just like they're good and bad professors
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  and good and bad anything, you may get a therapist, or maybe they're not even
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  bad, they're just someone you don't connect with.
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  And sometimes people make the unfortunate mistake of assuming.
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  Well, that must be how all therapy goes.
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  And so since I didn't connect with that therapist, I'm just never going to go back.
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  And so what I always tell people is, you really got to go to three therapists.
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  That's what you should do is if you don't connect with your first one,
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  go to two more before you completely throw it all out.
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  Because in all likelihood, what you're going to find is you're going to connect
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  with one of those in a different way and build a rapport.
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  And so I really say the same thing for family members, looking for support groups,
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  for addiction recovery. I think you can certainly read online about the variety
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  of different kinds of support groups and learn a little bit about their varying
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  approaches and different philosophies and kind of get a sense of which might
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  speak to you the most or which might offer you the most genuine support.
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  But it may also be the case that the best thing that you can do is try them
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  all. Right. Maybe try more than one of them. Get your best two out of 30.
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  Yeah, right. Really. That's actually what I recommend to people about support
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  groups, like a 12-step meeting is I say, go to one.
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  And if you don't like it, make sure you go to at least two more because it also,
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  it depends on who's in the room that night.
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  There's so many different factors. And so I just don't want people to miss out
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  on the experience of me too.
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  I miss out on the experience of, I know what it's like to be where you've been,
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  to experience the stress you're experiencing the confusion, the anger and pain
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  and frustration, and to try to navigate that when you don't have your best head on.
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  I don't want anybody to miss out on that opportunity. And so I'm grateful for
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  the chance to have a podcast platform to say, look, there are lots of different
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  ways for families to get support and go find the one that works for you.
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  Go find the one that speaks to you.
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  That is excellent advice. Alex, thank you so much for taking the time to share
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  with our listeners today, because I really hope that we will speak to someone
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  who is needing this information. That's exactly right.
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  Yeah, amen. Thank you, Mindy. If you are just tuning in, you are listening to
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