Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Never Says Thank You
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've just wrapped a project that took three months of late nights and cross-departmental negotiation. Client's thrilled. Revenue's up. Your boss reviews the outcome in a one-on-one and says, 'Okay, what's next?' Luna: Oof. No 'good job', no 'thanks', no acknowledgment at all. Just the conveyor belt moving to the next deliverable. Lucas: Right. And if that's a pattern, it's not just rude — it's actually corrosive. There's solid data now on what happens to teams when a manager never says thank you. And it goes beyond hurt feelings. Luna: Before we dig into that — quick honest thing. A handful of listeners chip in monthly through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo, and that's literally what keeps this show ad-free and independent. If you've ever used one of our scripts to handle a difficult conversation at work, that's the kind of thing that makes someone want to support the show. No pressure, just putting it out there. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group that makes this possible for everyone else. Appreciate every single one. So — back to the boss who withholds thanks. There's a 2024 Glassdoor survey that found fifty-three percent of employees say they'd stay longer at a company if they felt more appreciated. That's not a soft stat. That's a retention number. Luna: Fifty-three percent. So more than half of your team is thinking about leaving partly because they don't hear 'thanks'? That's wild. Lucas: And it's not just about staying. A separate study from the O.C. Tanner Institute showed that employees who receive regular recognition are five times more likely to feel connected to the company culture, and four times more likely to be engaged. So the absence of gratitude doesn't just make people feel bad — it actively lowers performance. Luna: I wonder why some managers are so bad at this. Is it personality, or is it a skill gap? Lucas: I think it's often a combination. Some managers genuinely believe that thanking someone implies the work is extra, not expected. They think, 'I'm paying you to do a job — why should I thank you for doing it?' That's a mindset, not a skill deficit. Luna: Right, like gratitude would somehow weaken their authority or make them look soft. Lucas: Exactly. There's this old-school command and control idea that praise creates entitlement. But the data says the opposite. When managers express genuine appreciation, trust goes up, not down. And mistakes get caught earlier because people feel safe speaking up. Luna: So what do you do if you're stuck under a boss who just doesn't do gratitude? You can't exactly force them to change. Lucas: You can't. But you can build a recognition system around yourself and your team. One tactic I've seen work is creating a peer to peer kudos channel. A Fortune 500 engineering team did this — they set up a Slack channel just for shout-outs, and within six months, engagement scores on their internal survey jumped twenty-two percent. Luna: Did the boss start using it too, or was it purely peer-driven? Lucas: Initially peer-driven. But after a few months, the manager saw how much energy it generated and started chiming in. Not every boss will follow, but some will. The key is you're not waiting for them — you're creating the culture you need with the people around you. Luna: That's smart. And it doesn't feel like you're undermining the boss, because it's framed as team appreciation, not a complaint. Lucas: Right. And if the boss still never participates, at least you've built a buffer. You and your colleagues are getting the recognition you need from each other. That matters. A 2022 report from Workhuman found that peer recognition has a stronger impact on retention than manager recognition in some cases. Luna: Because it feels more authentic? Less like a checkbox? Lucas: Exactly. When a peer says 'hey, your work on that data cleanup saved me three hours,' it's specific and immediate. It's not a generic 'good job' from above. And it builds social bonds that make the team resilient. Luna: Okay, but what about the emotional toll on you personally? If your boss never says thanks, it can feel like you're invisible. Lucas: That's real. And it's worth asking yourself: is the lack of recognition the only problem, or is it part of a larger pattern of disrespect? If the boss is also taking credit for your work or blaming you for mistakes, that's a different conversation — we've covered those before on this show. Luna: Right, episodes 87 through 91, I think. So if it's just the missing thank-you, you can work around it. But if it's part of a toxic pattern, you might need to start looking elsewhere. Lucas: Correct. And even then, there's a middle ground. You can have a direct conversation. Something like: 'I really value hearing when something I've done has made a difference. It helps me stay motivated and aligned. Could we build in a quick check at the end of each project where we reflect on what went well?' Luna: That's actually a pretty low-risk ask. You're not saying 'you never thank me.' You're offering a process improvement. Lucas: Exactly. Frame it as a way to improve team performance, not as a personal complaint. Many managers respond to that because it sounds like efficiency, not ego. Luna: And if they still don't change? Lucas: Then you have your answer. You know this boss isn't going to give you the psychological support you need. At that point, you either build your own support system or you start planning your exit. But at least you're not hoping for something that'll never come. Luna: That's the real key, I think. Stop waiting for them to become a different person. Accept the reality and act accordingly. Lucas: Yes. And one more thing: don't underestimate the power of thanking your own peers. It's contagious. When you model the behavior you wish you were getting, it often spreads upward. I've seen junior employees start thanking senior leaders, and eventually the culture shifts. Luna: So gratitude can be a kind of upward influence tool. Interesting. Lucas: It's not manipulative. It's genuine. But it does create a norm. And norms are powerful in organizations. If everyone around the boss is saying thank you, the boss starts to look like the odd one out. Luna: And most managers don't want to be the cold-hearted outlier. Even if they don't change overnight, they might start to feel the social pressure. Lucas: Exactly. So to sum up: three things you can do. One — build a peer recognition system so you're not starved for appreciation. Two — have a direct conversation framed around process, not complaint. Three — model gratitude yourself and hope it catches on. And if none of that works, you have clarity about what kind of environment you're in, and you can make a plan. Luna: I think that's a solid toolkit. And honestly, even if your boss does say thank you sometimes, these strategies still make your team stronger. Lucas: Absolutely. Gratitude isn't a reward for good behavior — it's the lubricant that makes collaboration work. When it's missing, everything grinds a little harder. So whether you're getting it or not, find ways to keep it flowing. Luna: Alright, that's all for this episode. Thanks for listening — we'll be back next week with another tough boss scenario.