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Coworker Used My Hospital Stay to Get a Paid Vacation in Cancun · Ela's Got the Tea

• Ela's Got the Tea Ep. 7: Today an OP is guilt tripped for not sending their parents more money on top of the rent they already pay. A coworker borrows somebody's medical emergency to use as a cover story so they can fly off to Cancun, and a fourteen month old discovers he has legs. Grab your cup and let me pour. Hello my beautiful tea leaves. Welcome back to Ela's Got the Tea. I'm Ela, your host, your mom friend, and the person who goes into the threads so you don't have to. New here? Three letters a week. Real ones from the people living them. My poor, we read and I'd tell you where I'd land. That's the whole show. And if you've been here a few weeks now and haven't done so yet, please subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. It's free and it's the only way the next person Who needs this ever finds it? I've got my cup of hibiscus mixed berry tea with a hint of orange and apple. So let's get into it. Our first letter comes from an OP who earns about $77,000 a year, pays $600 a month in rent to her own parents, and sends more on top whenever they ask. Her mother says it isn't enough and compares her to somebody else's daughter. Hmm. Well, let's see what happened. From R slash Am I the Asshole titled Am I the Asshole for Not Sending Parents More Money? signed, Worth what I can send. Hi, I'm 26 years old and the eldest daughter and working a job that's 77,000 gross income that excludes taxes and deductions. From a bi weekly paycheck. My mom has always expected me to send her money. For context, my dad works as a graphic designer and my mom works as a freelance art teacher. But I always felt they relied on me to support financially, and I'm fine with that. I like helping. When they need me to lend money sometimes, I send one to three thousand and I understand times are tough. I also send six hundred every month for rents for the past few years, currently living with them. But sometime my mom hears that I could have the means to send them more money. She guilt trips me to send. her more. She asked me this month if I can send five hundred more. And my immediate reaction was no. She said, Okay, I guess I'll have to lend money from my friend. She called me selfish and that my contributions aren't a lot anyways in the past. She's compared me to her friend's daughter who helped her pay for a mortgage, but I just don't feel good being pressured this way. And I'm afraid the more I send her money, the more dependent she'll be on me, and the less likely I'd have means to move out by myself. I've sent my parents money for years, literally ever since I started working, and I feel like my worth is tied to how much I can send. And on top of that, I covered a really high vet bill that was like 2 K. Am I the asshole for saying no to sending more money? And am I being a penny pincher? I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. So OP added an edit to add and edit to add, thanks for all the comments. This gives me a lot of perspective. I've been grappling with a lot of guilt, so seeing your comments helps me understand how to view this situation more objectively. OP was very active in the comments and basically had an ongoing conversation with the Redditors responding. So I thought would be better to highlight some of the things that they noted. And this is what OP adds on in addition to her post. OP added that she's basically been helping her parents in the past it seems like 10 years now. One of their major financial pitfalls was doing renovations and buying a new car at the same time. Eventually, they had to sell the house in the city and they bought another one in the suburbs. Eventually, they had to sell that house in the suburbs, file for bankruptcy, and now they are renting. Hence why OP is helping. If it's an extra expense that she thinks of that aren't that helpful, it's usually like buying cigarettes or lottery tickets. And she also pays for all the subscription services like Disney Plus, Amazon, etc., so that they can enjoy watching those things too. OP has also felt bad that they haven't been able to take. be able to go on a vacation for a while. OP also notes that they are South Korean and that her mother has always sent money back to her parents. so she thinks that this is an expectation to send money back. She also feels like her mom has sent more money than she needed to to her family, and that this may be one of the reasons why her family has been dealing with very poor financial. Have been put in this poor financial state. She even says, so my mom set herself as the standard, and of course, I feel like I do less than she did for her mom. And she also notes that yes, rent has changed a few times and some months. she did have to send more. Usually she'd take her mom's word for it because she trusts that it was going towards rent. This time was the only time she's ever said no to the additional 500, in addition to the 600 that seems to have already been agreed upon with her parents. And she's feeling the pressure from that. Someone also questioned OP if some of the money she was sending to her parents were also being used on her siblings and in which OP responded with yes. So, my question to guys is what do we actually owe the people who raised us? All right. I want to start this one off slowly because there's a layer underneath this letter that a lot of the Redditors won't see unless they've lived it. And I'm saying this as a fellow Asian American daughter myself, Filipino background, raised in the US. I've lived in that same tug of war between cultures. Growing up in the Western world teaches you that adulthood means independence, boundaries, building your own life. Growing up under Eastern expectations teaches you that being a good daughter means sacrifice, loyalty, and stepping in whenever you're asked. You can see those two things don't nearly fit together. And when you're the daughter, especially the only daughter in my case, you feel that conflict in your bones. So let's walk through what's actually happening here. Six hundred dollars a month, one to three thousand whenever they ask. A two thousand dollar vet bill, years of helping, will be clarified as at least 10 years now. That is a lot. For anyone. And she's doing it while still living at home, still trying to build her own life, still trying to get out from under the weight of being the responsible one. And when her mother says her contributions aren't a lot anyway, that's not about the money. That's about the expectation that sits quietly on daughters. In a lot of Asian households. The one that says, your value is in what you give. And then there's the friend's daughter, the mortgage daughter. Again, if you grew up in an Asian household, you know this move. Not because parents are cruel, but because comparison is how they measure safety. It's how they measure success. It's how they measure whether they did a Good job raising you. But that doesn't mean it feels good. And it doesn't mean it's fair. golly gee, it's not fair. And here's the part that matters most. Her mother isn't inventing this expectation. She learned it. She lived it. She repeated it. She sent money to her own mother, even when it hurt the family. And now she's holding her daughter to the same pattern. This is generational. This is cultural. This is familiar to a lot of Asian daughters. Filipino, Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese, Indian, all of us who grew up with parents who came from somewhere else. It's the feeling that your worth is tied to what you give, to how much you help. To how much you sacrifice. And she said it herself, I feel like my worth is tied to how much I can send That line. That's the part that I can relate to, but also broke my heart. And she's already figured out that the thing that takes years for some people, the more I send her money, the more dependent she'll be on me, and the less likely I'll have means to move out. That's not selfish, but that's clarity. That's a daughter trying to build a future while being billed or staying in the past. And then there's the guilt, the part every Asian daughter knows too well. She needs strangers to tell her that paying rent counts, that helping counts, that she's doing enough. That she's allowed to say no. Because nobody in her family has ever said that to her. And yes, the money going sideways to another sibling, that's not new either. That's another pattern daughters know. The responsibility flows to you. The grace flows to someone else. And I'll tell you something from my own life. When I had my daughter. Pressure didn't disappear, but it did ease. Because suddenly I had my own little person looking up to me, my own family to protect, my own future to build, and the weight of being the good daughter didn't sit in the same place anymore. OP doesn't have to wait till she has her own family to have this. You know what? I've already decided that when Rose Hip grows up She will not be carrying the same pressure I did. She will never feel like her worth is measured by what she gives up. She will never be taught that love means sacrifice first and boundaries later. That pattern starts that pattern stops with me. So let me say this softly. Break is hard. It's supposed to be hard, but you're allowed to do what is right for you. You are allowed to build a future that isn't shaped by someone else's guilt. You are allowed to say no without being a bad daughter. You are allowed to choose yourself. Helping is something you do. And it's not who you are. And It's not what it's not what you're worth. All right. I think it's time to get into our next leaf. Okay, so this next letter did make me have to h put my cup down for a second. An OP spent four days in the hospital and three weeks recovering. Then a coworker uses their illness by name to get paid week off and spent it in Cancun. OP reports it and now the office thinks OP went too far. Yeah, let's let's get into this one. From R slash Am I Wrong titled Am I Wrong for Reporting My Coworker to HR after I found out she used my sick leave. To get a free vacation. From R slash Am I Wrong titled Am I Wrong for reporting my coworker to HR after I found out she used my sick leave story to get a free vacation? signed my name on her alibi. I 31F work in a mid-sized marketing firm. My coworker Jess 33F and I started the same week about five years ago. We're not best friends, but we're friendly. We grab lunch sometimes. We vent about our boss, normal work friend stuff. About three months ago I had a genuine medical emergency. I won't go into details, but I was hospitalized for four days and took three weeks of medical leave to recover. During that time I shared some of what I was going through with Jess because she asked and seemed genuinely concerned. Last week I overheard Jess talking to another coworker in the break room. She was bragging about how she tricked the system into giving her a paid week off. Apparently, she told our manager that she needed emergency leave for the same medical condition I had, because she knew our company has a s has a policy that allows extra paid leave for certain documented conditions. she didn't have any medical proof, but she convinced our manager by name dropping me and saying, You can ask my name. She went through the same thing. She got the leave approved. And she used it to go to Cancun with her boyfriend. I saw the Instagram photos. I was furious. Not only did she lie about a serious health issue that actually traumatized me, but she used my name and my story to do it. When I confronted her privately, she laughed it off and said, Relax. It's not that deep. The company has money. They won't miss a week of pay. She told me I was being dramatic and that I should just let it go because no one got hurt. But somebody did get hurt. I feel violated. My private medical situation is not her free vacation ticket. I also worry that if this ever got investigated, people might think I was in on it, which could damage my reputation. But someone did get hurt. I reported her to HR yesterday. I gave them all the details, her Instagram post, the dates, everything. Now our manager is involved, and the whole office is tense. Some of my other coworkers think I should have just minded my own business, saying she didn't actually harm you personally and that I ruined her life for nothing. Now I'm second guessing myself. Did I go too far? She didn't steal money from me directly, and technically her leave didn't affect my workload, but it feels so wrong. Am I wrong for reporting her? Okay, so does something have to cost you money before it counts as harm? Before I go into my take, I want to look over two comments that I think sum up everything perfectly. Comment one reads No, you're not wrong. She committed fraud and lied, which is already bad enough. But she also endangered the protocols that let you recover because your work may now rethink the policy for future illnesses. I would just go into work, do the job, and then leave. You're there for a paycheck to pay the bills, not to make friends. Comment Two writes, I don't think you're wrong. She could very well damage your reputation, plus it's just effing wrong to use your friend's misfortune to your benefit and destroy their trust. Okay, there is one sentence in this letter doing all the damage, and it isn't Jess's It's the coworkers. Didn't actually harm you personally. Everybody in that office has quietly agreed that the harm in question related financially. And because no money was affected, they've they've all decided nothing happened. And the worst part is that OP half agrees with them, which is why she's on the internet asking. So let's be specific about what was taken. Three months ago, OP had a medical emergency. Four days in the hospital, three weeks to recover. She even used the word traumatized, and I believe her. And she told Jess about it because Jess asked, because Jess seemed concerned. That's the part. The concern was Jess's way in. And then that illness, the real one, the frightening one, got borrowed not as a vague excuse, specifically by by name, as a cover story, so that Jess can spend a week in Cancun. No, here's the part. Nobody in the office seems to understand. Jess didn't only lie to the manager, she said, You can ask her. She went through the same thing, which means OP is now a named witness on a fraudulent leave claim. Her name is in that conversation as the corroborator. A manager approved paid leave partly on the strength. Of a person who had no idea she was being cited. And OP says it herself. If this ever gets investigated, people might think I was in on it. That's not paranoia, that's just honestly just reading the paperwork. So no. Just didn't harm OP personally. But it it it's more than that. Because OP's name is on it. And then there's relax, the company has money. They won't miss a week of pay. Maybe not, but the this policy was clearly put in place for someone else who had argued for it and won. And now with the stunt that Jess pulled. Her fake claim and every other fake claim is a is free ammunition against this policy so that when the next person who actually needs it, well it just makes it harder for them. The company won't feel this, but the next person who actually needs it. Will. And then there's you're being dramatic, which let's face it, is the oldest move in the book. Do the thing, then make the other person's reaction the problem. Followed by let it go, no one got hurt. Said to the person who did get hurt. Now I feel like I do this nearly every episode now, but I do need to take off my mom half her bit. for the coworkers, because they're the ones I'd actually want a word with. The whole you ruined her life for nothing. No, Jess ruined it. OP just reported it. Those are two different sentences. And that office has merged into one because it's easier to be annoyed at the person who made the room tense than At the person who basically committed fraud. That's because That's how it works everywhere. Nobody ever gets angry at the thing. They get angry at whoever named it. So no. OP, you're not wrong. You reported a fraudulent claim that had your name attached to it to the department whose entire job is receiving that report. And you're second guessing yourself, which I'd point to gently, is precisely what all that pressure was designed to produce. Harm doesn't have to cost you money to be real. And with that, let's get into our next leaf. And last cup and this one is from a first time mom who thinks she's failing. I will have to say right now she is not, From R slash Parenting titled How do you handle Going Out in Public With a Toddler? signed fourteen months and too fast. My son is 14 months old now and it's hard to have public outings sometimes. He learned to walk at twelve months and since then doesn't want to be held or contained in any way when we go out. This makes restaurants, malls, fairs, or almost any outing difficult because all he wants to do is run around and get into everything. if I try to carry him, Sit him on my lap, put him in the stroller, etc. He cries and fusses and struggles until he's put down. Meanwhile, I see other parents' toddlers who are perfectly content with being carried or pushed around in their stroller without any fuss. I don't want to be one of those parents who lets their child go crazy in public. Mine has always been a super active and independent child, and I'm just wondering when things get better. I try to tell him no all the time, but he's obviously too little to actually be able to control himself and his emotions, actions right and right now. At best, I just try to remove him from the situation if he's not listening, behaving. How are you handling outings with your little one? Any advice for a first time mom who has no idea what she's doing? So how much of a fourteen month old is actually yours to handle? This is a very loaded question for anyone with toddlers But before I go into my take, I do want to touch on two comments, especially one that I found Well, it's just four words, so Comment one reads Baby backpack leash thingy. Love it. Comment two writes. My daughter was a little older when she started to walk in stores, probably 18 months or so. In parking lots and streets, she had to hold my hand in stores. She doesn't have to, but she does have to stay with me, or she goes in the cart. She's 26 months old and it's working pretty well so far. Okay. Last letter. I w and I wanna start with the last line because it's the one that grabbed that got me as a parent. Any advice for first time for a first time mom who has no idea what she's doing? Sweetheart, you absolutely know what you're doing. You just wrote several paragraphs describing normal fourteen month old behavior with Basically total accuracy. You explained why your usual tools don't work yet. You explained that you you explained what you do instead. You're not lost, you're just tired, and you're being watched. And the combination makes every outing feel like a test. But you're not doing anything wrong. So Let me say this softly. Nothing is wrong with your son. You learn to walk at twelve months. And once a baby discovers they have legs, and they are legally obligated to just use them at all times and all locations, forever. Being carried, being held, being in the stroller at 14 months, those aren't cozy options. Their restrictions. I mean, he just discovered he has legs. He's gotta use them. This is development, not misbehavior. The comparison that's hurting here is here's a part of your letter that's that's actually hurting you. And it isn't your child. I see other parents, toddlers, who are perfectly content and carried or pushed around without any fuss. You're comparing 11 minutes of somebody else's afternoon. You didn't see that kid at four in the morning. You didn't see that meltdown in the car before they came in. You don't know if this is the one a good outing they've had in a month. And both parents are holding their breath. dear golly, chai and I have had those moments. You're grading your entire child against a highlight reel you happen to walk past. You already know the developmental truth. And you've already figured out something that takes a lot of people much longer. I try to tell him no all the time, but he's obviously too little to control himself and his emotions right now. Yes, exactly. The word no isn't a tool yet. His brain hasn't built that part that can do anything with it. If anything, using The word no at this age can be a bit of a detriment. But you also say, at best, I remove him from the situation. That's not at best. That is the tool. That's the entire toolkit for a 14 month old. And you're using it. And you're apologizing for it like you're doing something wrong. Again, you're not. Look, I remember my first outing with Rose Hip where she threw a huge tantrum, was outside Barnes and Noble, and wow, that child has lungs. I want to record that. There is lungs. She's probably gonna be a singer in the future. And people looked. People will always look. Did I feel embarrassed? Yes, I did. But at the time she was two. And She was allowed to be two So here's what I've come to think about small children. And someone said it perfectly once. When they're that little, they're the center of their own world. Not because they're selfish, but because they literally haven't built the part of the brain that can imagine there's another one. It's it's not a character flaw. It's a brain that is still developing and your whole job is to just walk them from that place to somewhere else over about four years. And the room's top comment was baby backpack leash thingy. You know what use it. Buy the little backpack. The people who have opinions about those have never chased the fourteen month old across the country fair. I have one and honestly it's one of the best things I have. And it has come in handy so many times. And your actual question when does it get better? There are mixed numbers I have heard four. Chai and I are counting down the days till Rosehip hits that milestone. But it does get easier. Not because they stop wanting to run. They never stop wanting to run. But because they become able to hear you while they're doing it. no, OP. Your son is not misbehaving. He's fourteen months old and he just found out he can go places. Okay. Next leaf and that's our leaves for today. For our last pour Something small you can actually do for yourself tonight. Here's mine. Before I go to bed, I'm going to put my phone down at the other side of the room. Just for the night. And give my brain just one tiny pocket of quiet. And we're still with the spirit of children this month. One thing I haven't said yet a lot of what they fundraise for isn't the big equipment. It's tiny comforts. The toys, the costumes. Yes, you can donate costumes. The decorations that make the hospital room. feel less like a hospital room. The things that let a kid forget where they are for 10 minutes. Links in the description, along with everything else I've mentioned today. and if one of these letters made you think of someone, send it to them. That's honestly how a show like this Finds people, not ads, just somebody forwarding a link and saying, Hey, this is us. And hey, I want to hear from you. Not just what you made of the letters, what you made of me. Or you'd have landed somewhere different. Did I miss anything? Look, I'm one person with one read, and I'm not always right. The rest of it lives in the comments. So put it there. I read them. If you got something out of today, hit like and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. I know everyone says that, but here's why it actually matters for a show like mine. It's honestly the only way the next person who needs this is able to find it. And again, everything I mentioned is in the descriptions: the tea, this month's charity. Timestamps for every letter, so you can skip anything you'd rather not sit with today. And if you want to rehear it there you go. Well, that's the pot, my beautiful tea leaves. This week's little small act of kindness, tell yourself one kind sentence. You'd never say out loud. Just for you. All right, I'll see you in the next steep. Bye.