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Monday Mini: Diary of a Queer Kid · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to stuff
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I've never told you production I R Radio. Samantha. Did
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: you keep a diary or journal at all? I did.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: We don't talked about this before. I kept a diary
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: for a very long time. I did more poems, so
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: I have a lot of poetry books more so than diaries.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: I do have. And i'd laugh because but it was
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: beautifully written. When I was really religious and doing all
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: of the traveling in the mission work. And I say
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: mission work, I lived for a year at Children's Home
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: in Oklahoma, working with them and living on campus with them,
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: and I got to beat a lot of sweet people,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: including a lot of people from the indigenous community because
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: they were near try Out that way, so I got
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: to meet a lot of amazing people. But I would
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: keep journals of that, and I also sent out newsletters
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: to people, which is super weird, and I got a
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: lot of responses about how it was an amazing writer.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: So put that out there. I don't think I am,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: but I think they love the flowery words that I
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: would meash with Bible verses, so I definitely did a
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: lot of that. I tried to do the single line
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: one line of day thing that did not work out
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: because you just gave up, because yeah, I lost it
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: during the pandemic, so I haven't taken it outside the house.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I just don't know where it is in my house.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: That's I can relate to that. Yeah, what about you? Yes,
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: I did keep a diary. As you know, it is
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: a very popular story among my friend group. I had
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: a um bad run of pets, so I had a
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: lot of tragic pet deaths when I was growing up.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: So every entry I could and laugh now, but every
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: entry would start with like, well Fluffy's gone. Didn't you
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: call him Katie? Just naming what they were. Yeah, well
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: one of my rabbit Fluffy, And then I had four Katie's,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: and then I thought pair keeps, and I thought the
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: name Katie was cursed, so I named one Rebecca. But
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: Rebecca also died very quickly. I have to know, did
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: you name these after you to friends? And where they
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: worried after the fact. I don't recall naming them after
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: my friends, but it is popular that I did because
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  Speaker 1: I thought I thought Katie was the coolest, and I thought, yeah,
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: so possibly, and Rebecca was a good friend of mine too,
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: so maybe unfortunately, and I believe I've shared this story
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: on the show before. I destroyed everything I wrote, whether
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: that was like books that I wrote or stories I
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: wrote from pretty much any time during my primary education,
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: so kindergarten to high school. I got rid of all
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: of them. And it makes me very sad because I
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: do think there would be some wonderfully embarrassing things that
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I could uncover, but also just I think that it
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: could be telling to look back on some of the
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: entries and be like, Oh, you didn't know you were
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: struggling with this or just this like piece of who
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I was that I hadn't accepted yet or didn't realize
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: what quite what was going on or what I was
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: wrestling with because I did keep I was pretty regular
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: in an updating my journal, our diary, whichever oh it was.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: It had a unicorn on the front, had key. It
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: was cool mine too. I didn't have a unicorn, but
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: it definitely had the keys all that. I also did
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: a friends only file thing that also we'll see. The
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: thing is I still have the key and it's so flimsy,
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: like it would have been so easy to get into
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: that diary if somebody wanted to I'm just gonna click
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: paper clip. I think you could have literally just pride it.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: But I thought it was really cool key around my neck.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: It felt me, it did, it did, so I I
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: wanted to ask this, and before we get into the
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: episode of very quick trigger warning, a brief mention of
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: sexual trauma and eating disorders. Very brief, but just in case.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I wanted to talk about this because I have been
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: discussing my experience being queer and kind of claiming that
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: identity and the journey I've gone through with it, and
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: all the questions and looking back um and subscribing meaning
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: to things where I didn't understand at the time what
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: was going on, but now that I look back, like,
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, okay, you just didn't realize that you identified
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: in this way. And I'm gonna go ahead and say
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: to you, if you're like me and you connect so
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: hard with fictional characters, or you were like I, I
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: prefer this or this or this. This is a very
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: anti Statuck episode. So if you don't me, you can
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: click away. If you prefer Samantha that everybody wants to hear,
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: keep going, yes, okay, thank you. Well, several of you
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: have sent me messages asking all about this journey and
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: if I could ask me if I would share it
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: with you, and I'm always happy to share, and I
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: thought that I would just say it on podcast since
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: it is Pride months. This is the kind of edited
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: message I sent to our dear listener and friend Jamie,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: who asked me about about my journey, was so supportive
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: and also open in her own So this is a
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: message that I sent to her, and I thought I
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: would just share it with everybody. So it feels like
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: reading a diary entry though it's a little weird, but
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: bear with me. I can't remember a time ever wanting
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: to have sex, and I never once had sex that
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: I want it to have. In high school, I pretended
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: I did want to have sex to fit in. I
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: thought that eventually it would kick in. That maybe I
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: was just like a late bloomer, as they say. I
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: also thought maybe I was just approved because I was
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: very religious at a time. I want too, so I
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: thought maybe I had just soaked up these messages and
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize it. And even though I think of
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: myself as a very liberal person, I had been raised
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: in a pretty conservative environment. Maybe I just absorbed all
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: that this was all complicated by the fact that there
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: were all these rumors that I was a slut flying around,
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: so people assumed I wanted to have a lot of
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: sex and that I had had a lot of sex,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: and that was in part. I don't want to say
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: my fault, but I again, I would make these sexual
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: jokes because I wanted to fit in, and I was
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: kind of overcompensating because I really didn't want to have sex,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: so I went over the top implying that I did.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I did the same thing, yeah, except I'm not ace,
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: But yes, I did the same thing as a kid.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: I was trying to be cool. So I was a kid.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: I knew all about sex, which was funny because I
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: didn't know anything about sex. Yeah, I had to look
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: up what sex was in an encyclopedia, and trust me,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: that is not how you want to learn what it is.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I asked my mom what a blowjob was,
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: and that was really uncomfortable. Oh I'm sure it was.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: And yes, sometimes I did, and I still do, feel
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: an intense attraction to people, very rarely physical attraction. Usually
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: if that happens, it happens after the emotional attraction. But
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: not sexual, and like, sometimes I do like kissing and cuddling,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: but I'm too afraid to do it because I feel
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: like it's going to escalate. And like I said in
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: a recent happy hour, I'm afraid I won't stand up
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: for myself or say I don't want this because I'm
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: so used to pleasing other people, but also doubting what
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I my own self and knowing what I actually do want,
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I will question and that too, like maybe you do
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: want this, I'm like, I don't think so, and then
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: that just becomes this loop that is not helpful. When
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I got to college, I tried really hard to convince
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: myself I wanted to have sex or that I just
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: had to get over it and have sex with people
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: until I liked it. And this is when I started
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: dating men and women. But I always felt safer with
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: women because of my past with sexual abuse and trauma.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I thought maybe one day something would click, which sounds
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: so silly now that I've been doing years of therapy,
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: that one day it would just be fine. I did
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  Speaker 1: a lot of things I didn't want to do because
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: of this, and that makes me really sad to agree
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: that that's one of the things that stakes with me.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: I also was date raped in college, so I had
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  Speaker 1: a new like I had a new trauma on top
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: of all this old trauma. So I thought, maybe that's
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: why I didn't want to have sex. And yeah, my
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: trauma goes back to like some of my first memories.
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  Speaker 1: So I was like that, it has just been with
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: me this whole time, so how can I know for sure?
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  Speaker 1: And I also realized that the eating disorder I had
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: messages with sex drive, so I thought it could be that.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: But basically all of these doubts and questions. Then I
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: started as an intern on this very show back in
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: I had just graduated college, and we did an episode
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: on being ace and being a romantic and I remember thinking, huh,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: that's the first I've heard about this other than sort
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: of yeah, joking misrepresentation of it, Like I have more
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: than one memory of being laughed at or hearing someone
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: else get laughed at when they would talk about it.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: And I told my then boyfriend about it, and he
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: said it made him sad because he thought people who
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: identified that way were clearly damaged. And we broke up
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: soon after that. Okay, yeah, and I kept thinking about it,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: but I was really torn about the intersection yeah, of
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: this sexual trauma and eating disorders and being a somewhere
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: that left me Also at the time, that was when
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: there was all this like I don't know if science
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: is the right word, but people were like, you know,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: maybe we can just boost women's sex drive, as if
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: women just in general don't have a high enough sex drive,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: instead of maybe asking other questions. And because my dad
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: was dying at that time, I wanted he wanted to
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: have grandkids. I wanted that for him. At the time
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: of my stablings, I was the one that had the
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: best shot. And because our society does tell us that
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: success equal stable relationship and or kids, and your value
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: as a woman is desirability, I tried so hard, so
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: hard to make relationship work, and I felt incredibly guilty
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: that I never wanted sex. And I reached the point
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: I really couldn't even have sex without having a massive
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: panic attack, Like it almost never happened because it would
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: like come time and I would freak out. And when
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: my last boyfriend and I broke up, he said, like,
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: I can feel myself beginning to resent you. And one
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: of the things about that is I was resenting myself too.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Because I knew. I knew that that was a piece
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: that was missing, and that I was We didn't communicate
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: about it openly, and that was on both of us.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: But I was just internalizing all of this stuff and
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: thinking of how how he sees me and avoiding the
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: topic at all costs, which isn't healthy. And yeah, we
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: we thought, both of us thought that eventually i'd get
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: there again, that it might just go away, that maybe
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: I would want to have sex one day, And yeah,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: now I've come to realize that that was not the case,
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: and that I shouldn't have tried to force it. I
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: don't really blame either of us because we were younger
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: and I didn't know. I do think we both could
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: have communicated way better, but I don't. That's just where
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: we were in that time. But yes, sex is not
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: something I want to really think about, even though I
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: do sometimes wish it was, and sometimes I still want
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: other aspects of a physical relationship. Mostly I just want
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: a companion that I can kiss and cuddle and occasionally
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: feel up. But my trust issues are so severe it's
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: gonna take a long time before I reached that point.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: If I ever ever reached that point, I like to
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: believe being in a healthy relationship as an asexual person exists,
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: And I will put in here Jamie, who I was
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: corresponding with with this, she is a good example of that.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: She has found that and I know that it does exist.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: So this is also a couple of years old when
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I wrote this, so it's interesting to see how I've
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: changed even from this. But yeah, I've felt like something's
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: wrong with me my entire life, and I've done so
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: much that I wished I had him to fit in.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: So knowing that there are others out there like me,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: it's hugely validating. And to this day it blows my
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: mind that I was willing to get married and have
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: kids with someone I wasn't in love with to please
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: my dad. And even to this day, I'm both scared
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: bi sexual attraction and feel like I need it to
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: prove my worth and that sends me in a very
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: dark cycle. And at this the time I was writing this,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: I had recently had a friend of my family's say
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: she was married to someone who didn't want to have
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: sex and how sad that made her, and how that
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: something had to be wrong with him and that's why
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: they broke up. And that cultural association between love and
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: sex has been one that I have been struggling with.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: I've been talking about on this very show, just because
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: that's how it's commonly depicted, and that's that makes me
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: feel like a failure, like I owe someone something or
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: else I'm just a tease or it's not love, and
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: I know that's not true. I know it's not true. Um,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And you can't have healthy relationships without sex, and even
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: romantic relationships without sex. It's just been it's a lot
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: of stuff I have to unlearn, right, and you're not
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: the only one. Just even without identifying as aces, it's
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: still a complication in trying to understand the implications of
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: sex and what that means, and it's it has become
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: such as a holdover, especially for young girls and just
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: people in general who feel vulnerable when it comes to
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: what that means, and oftentimes the misconceptions that usually benefit
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: men and harm one in general. Um. And then again,
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: our value is still undermined by what someone else's attraction
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: to them. It's just such a gross aspect in general,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: and it has led into a whole societal failing. Yeah,
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: but we're not gonna get into all that, but yeah,
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm very proud of who you are and
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: I think you have done a phenomenal job of being
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: an example for others and the honesty that comes out
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: is just as much of working progress for everyone else
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: who are trying to learn anything about themselves in general.
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: And it's been beautiful. Well, I am proud of who
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: you are to submit the yeah, yeah, and I, like
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: I said at that happy hour, we did something. I'm
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: still learning and I still have questions and I you
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: listeners have just been so helpful for all of this.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: And when I hear from someone who's like, oh you've
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: You've helped me, hearing your story helped me, that is
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: that's what this is all about. UH is so amazing
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: and I'm so happy that we can connect on that way,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: um and find community in that way. So that being said,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to my story. We
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: always really appreciate hearing from you. If you would like
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: to contact as, you can our email Stuff Media mom
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Stuff at ihart media dot com. You can find us
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: on Instagram and Stuff I've Never Told You or on
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks as always to a
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: super producer Christina We're always proud of YouTube. Yes yes,
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening stuff I've never told you.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Protection of I heart Radio. For more podcast from I
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: heart Radio is the I heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.