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How Situationships Started for Me...And Where it Led Me (Part 2) · What Tha Group Chat Say

• 0:00
  Vonnie: Welcome to What tha group Chat Say the podcast where the group chat.
• 0:03
  Finally got a mic.
• 0:05
  We're three friends in our forties talking about life, friendships, relationships, and everything we didn't see coming in this decade.
• 0:11
  I'm Vonnie here with Keya and Drea, and on today's episode, we're continuing Drea saga of situation ships and domestic violence.
• 0:21
  drea: I swung.
• 0:23
  Next thing you know there's blood.
• 0:26
  And then I hear him on the phone with the police.
• 0:32
  I do remember going into the kitchen and putting the knife in the kitchen.
• 0:37
  Now how I got it, I don't know.
• 0:39
  'cause I can't seem to remember.
• 0:41
  That's all I remember still to this day, even after counseling, like that's all I remember.
• 0:47
  And I then ran because mind you guys, I have a social work degree already.
• 0:51
  I have a bachelor's in social work about to have a fucking master's and I know that Child Protective services with domestic violence, they will come and take my child.
• 0:59
  I run to the fucking bedroom, I'm banging on the door.
• 1:02
  His daughter opens the door and she's like, oh my God, are you guys okay?
• 1:04
  I said, listen, you guys do not, where's the phone?
• 1:07
  Where's the fucking phone?
• 1:08
  I get on the phone, I call who's not my friend anymore, I called her and I said, I don't know where the fuck you are, but you got 15 minutes to get the fuck to my house.
• 1:16
  I need you to get to my house and get my son and get my son.
• 1:19
  Now I'm about to go to jail and I need my son picked up so he does not go into custody.
• 1:24
  She was at my house so motherfucking quick.
• 1:26
  I think the police had just got there and were handcuffing me as she was walking in and she was like, I'm taking her child.
• 1:32
  They tried to interview my child and I say, you can't interview my kid.
• 1:36
  And they're like, we have the right to do what we want, but luckily my son.
• 1:39
  Was only like eight at the time.
• 1:41
  His daughter, I wanna say was 16.
• 1:45
  They both told the police, they heard and saw nothing, which they didn't.
• 1:48
  They were in the room.
• 1:48
  They probably heard it, but they saw nothing.
• 1:51
  But she knew what to say.
• 1:53
  in the midst of that, they come in, they handcuff me.
• 1:57
  'cause of course he's the one bleeding.
• 1:59
  I'm trying to tell them what he did.
• 2:01
  They, they didn't, they didn't care.
• 2:03
  He is sitting outside and I hear him, he's sitting at the door.
• 2:06
  So imagine someone sitting at your front door with the door open and you're sitting on the couch and you, and we're literally diagonal from each other.
• 2:13
  But I'm in the house, right?
• 2:14
  I'm rocking guys.
• 2:15
  When I say I'm rocking, I'm handcuffed and I'm rocking back and forth.
• 2:19
  I am self-soothing myself because I am fucked.
• 2:22
  I just fucked my life up.
• 2:24
  I'm self-soothing.
• 2:25
  And this motherfucker is outside the door saying, I love you boo boo.
• 2:29
  I love you boo boo girl.
• 2:30
  'cause that's what he called me, boo boo girl.
• 2:32
  He called me Boo boo girl, and kept fucking saying it, talking about, I love you.
• 2:35
  We're gonna get through this, don't worry, we're gonna get through this.
• 2:38
  And in my head I'm thinking, motherfucker, if we was gonna get through this, you called, you called the motherfucking police bitch.
• 2:44
  Like, what the fuck?
• 2:47
  and so I'm literally rocking guys, like I'm self-soothing.
• 2:52
  I'm, I just lost my entire career right in my head.
• 2:57
  talk about depression, that is the one time in my life that people who say they suffer from depression and they cannot see light, I suffered from that for weeks.
• 3:09
  basically, luckily my friend at the time took my son to my mother and I went to jail.
• 3:16
  I went to jail.
• 3:18
  I was facing Class one felony charges.
• 3:24
  when I was in jail.
• 3:26
  Again, I don't know what it is about me going to jail in flip flops and fucking tank top and shorts, but I'm in jail didn't think I was gonna get out girl.
• 3:36
  Right?
• 3:37
  so that is when I was like, what the fuck, Drea?
• 3:41
  But I'll tell you this, I did not cry.
• 3:43
  Not once.
• 3:44
  I did not cry.
• 3:46
  I let them take me to jail.
• 3:48
  I got into jail.
• 3:49
  I did not fucking cry.
• 3:51
  I sat there, did not fucking speak to anyone.
• 3:53
  And the crazy thing is I ran into somebody I fucking knew.
• 3:57
  And this bitch starts, she's a friend of a friend who starts telling people, what you doing in here, Drea?
• 4:02
  I'm my, now all the hookers and, the drunks are coming in, right?
• 4:05
  Because this happened in the afternoon.
• 4:07
  I was in jail by three o'clock on a Sunday afternoon, guys.
• 4:10
  So now it's like three o'clock in the morning and all the hookers and the drunks are coming in.
• 4:15
  And this bitch starts telling people, this bitch is a therapist.
• 4:18
  She a counselor.
• 4:19
  What she girl, if you don't shut the fuck up right now.
• 4:23
  So.
• 4:25
  in the midst of that, I found out that he also, in the midst of that, I also found out that he did get arrested too.
• 4:32
  However, they took him to the hospital first to get his hand stitched up, and then, but he got released from jail before I did.
• 4:40
  And here's the kicker, they released him to my house.
• 4:47
  So when it was my turn to go, yeah.
• 4:50
  So when it was my turn to go to court, to find out if they were gonna release me or have a bail or whatever, you guys have never been to jail, so you don't know that when you're facing real charges like this, have to fill out forms, at least back then you did.
• 5:04
  You have to fill out forms of like what you do for a living, what's your level of education, where do you live, all these different things.
• 5:11
  when they saw on there that I had a bachelor's degree and was in college for my master's degree, I worked with teenage boys at a therapeutic group home.
• 5:22
  They're looking at me like, what in the fuck?
• 5:25
  Like all I was the talking, I was literally the talking, like they talked, all the cos in there talked about me guys, every single time they moved me from one cell to another or from one area to another, they all knew who the fuck I was.
• 5:43
  And every, I'm not even exaggerating.
• 5:45
  Every last one of 'em was like, you the girl who's got a degree?
• 5:49
  Are you the one who's a social worker?
• 5:51
  I, I heard the guy that you dealing with, he don't even got a whole real job.
• 5:56
  Yeah.
• 5:57
  Lesson of life.
• 5:58
  Never fuck with somebody.
• 6:01
  Yes.
• 6:01
  Never fuck with somebody who has nothing to lose.
• 6:04
  Guys.
• 6:05
  Biggest lesson of life.
• 6:06
  Did I know that years ago?
• 6:07
  Yes.
• 6:08
  But did I really understand it until I literally was losing my entire career over a motherfucker who had nothing to lose?
• 6:17
  So.
• 6:19
  The blessing of that situation was, is the person who,
• 6:24
  two blessings.
• 6:25
  One, the man who, um, fingerprinted me there.
• 6:29
  was an retired detective.
• 6:33
  So he asked me, 'cause I'd already been in there now for almost, I was at 36 hours, almost two days.
• 6:38
  Okay.
• 6:39
  Mind you, I was hungry, was thirsty didn't wanna drink water out the toilet because that water fountain was behind the toilet, like on the toilet.
• 6:48
  It was disgusting.
• 6:49
  I don't eat fucking peanuts.
• 6:51
  I literally ate oranges for days.
• 6:53
  I would refuse to eat them nasty fucking sandwiches.
• 6:56
  Sheriff Joe was in office then, guys,
• 6:58
  Vonnie: So
• 6:58
  drea: was the
• 6:59
  Vonnie: do you have the
• 7:01
  Expired bologna.
• 7:04
  drea: right, right.
• 7:05
  Exactly.
• 7:05
  This shit was yellow.
• 7:06
  Anyways, I'm sitting here like in my head, I'm like, I'm in here with these bitches.
• 7:14
  Bitch, you got shit going for yourself.
• 7:15
  Like you, like I, but still have not cried.
• 7:18
  Right?
• 7:20
  I didn't call my mama because I was always told not to call when I go to jail.
• 7:24
  So nobody heard from me guys.
• 7:27
  They just still have in jail.
• 7:28
  So, uh, the, the detective says to me, can I touch you?
• 7:32
  And I was like, um, sure.
• 7:34
  Because I had on a tank top and I'm so light, started showing me where all of my defense wounds were because now all my bruising is coming up all over my body.
• 7:47
  So he started telling me where, what to do.
• 7:49
  So he's the one who told me that when I get outta jail that I need to have one of my friends, I need to strip down butt naked and have my friends take pictures of every single mark on my body.
• 8:02
  And I was like, okay.
• 8:04
  So.
• 8:05
  Then I go to see the judge and let me tell you this fucking judge, boy, she was like, so let me see this, you, and she's like, and don't talk, I don't want you to incriminate yourself, but let me get this straight.
• 8:19
  You got a degree, you're about to get a degree.
• 8:21
  You are in school, correct?
• 8:22
  I said, yes, I'm supposed to graduate in two months.
• 8:25
  Okay.
• 8:26
  And you work with teenagers?
• 8:28
  Yes ma'am.
• 8:30
  you own your own house?
• 8:31
  Yes ma'am.
• 8:32
  And you're a single mother?
• 8:33
  Yes ma'am.
• 8:34
  She said, well, damn, you should know better then, huh?
• 8:40
  That, that is when I cried.
• 8:45
  That is when tears, I didn't boo-hoo.
• 8:47
  But that is when tears went down my, my face and I said yes.
• 8:53
  And I have a fingerprint clearance card.
• 8:55
  And due to me being in jail right now, I will be losing my job when I get outta jail and I will not have a job.
• 9:03
  She said, you're correct.
• 9:04
  You will not have a job.
• 9:07
  And I said, yes, I know.
• 9:08
  I'm aware.
• 9:09
  And then she said to me, I'm gonna let you out, without, with, with no, you don't have to worry about bail.
• 9:14
  I'm gonna, O.R. you?
• 9:15
  But if I ever see you in this courtroom again, I will make sure you go down because you know better.
• 9:20
  I'll never forget that woman's words.
• 9:23
  So here's the kicker.
• 9:24
  When I got released outta jail, I called my mother.
• 9:27
  But guess what?
• 9:28
  My, my, my paper said I was not allowed to go to my I was not allowed to go home to my own fucking house until the first court date, which was three and a half weeks away.
• 9:41
  So not only did I go to jail, I'm getting charged with a class one felony.
• 9:46
  Me and my son are technically homeless, but I have a home because guess what?
• 9:52
  that's the address he put.
• 9:54
  Where he lives, and because he got released first and he had been living there for 30 days, he got to stay in my house I had to couch surf
• 10:02
  Keya: For
• 10:03
  drea: three and a half weeks.
• 10:04
  Vonnie: That.
• 10:05
  Keya: fuck.
• 10:10
  drea: The first week, the first week I couldn't even function.
• 10:13
  Guys, when I tell you I could not function, he is calling my phone.
• 10:18
  And I'm like, what do you want?
• 10:20
  You're not supposed to talk to me?
• 10:21
  Well, we'll get through this.
• 10:22
  Don't worry.
• 10:22
  I didn't give them the right number.
• 10:24
  He steady and I'm just like, fuck you.
• 10:27
  My son stayed at my mama's house and my sister's house.
• 10:31
  I was too ashamed.
• 10:32
  I stayed at my friend's house for the first five days.
• 10:34
  I laid on her couch and did nothing but sleep and cry until one day she said, bitch, get your ass up.
• 10:42
  You ain't got no job.
• 10:43
  You ain't got no money, like you about to get up.
• 10:45
  And I was like, I can't.
• 10:46
  I have no energy.
• 10:47
  And that was the first time in my life I felt depression.
• 10:50
  I thought I had depression.
• 10:52
  When I had postpartum.
• 10:53
  This was a whole nother level.
• 10:55
  I literally could not function.
• 10:58
  It was like I had to be told what to do because I was so disappointed in myself.
• 11:05
  And I was planning on how I can't have my son go live with his dad.
• 11:10
  His dad's not doing good.
• 11:12
  I, my poor son, like, I was so worried about my son and what was gonna happen to him, you know what I'm saying?
• 11:20
  I go to prison.
• 11:21
  so, in the midst of that, I needed to get clothes.
• 11:26
  So I had, uh, I had one of my friends drive by and they thought that my ex wasn't home, but come to find out he was.
• 11:36
  So when I tried to go sneak in my house, that motherfucker's baby mama pulled up and I saw her walk up to my door and they was talking and I was parked down the street.
• 11:49
  I'm not supposed to be there.
• 11:50
  So I was gonna park down the street, run up the street, grab some shit and leave.
• 11:55
  But then I saw he was home and he had this bitch in my house.
• 11:59
  Keya: So,
• 11:59
  strong.
• 12:00
  drea: So, and then here's the kicker.
• 12:03
  what could I, at this point, let me tell you.
• 12:07
  Remember, remember?
• 12:08
  Yeah.
• 12:08
  Remember when I said, when I went to jail the first time and I blacked out fighting my son's father?
• 12:15
  That's the first time I realized I had a real problem when I cut him and I couldn't remember stuff.
• 12:24
  That was a reality check for me.
• 12:27
  That is when I learned how important emotional intelligence is, because I already damn near lost my entire future for somebody fuck him and that bitch do what the fuck you wanna do in that motherfucking house.
• 12:40
  You know what I'm saying?
• 12:41
  So then I go to court, I got blessed.
• 12:44
  This was my blessing.
• 12:45
  I got blessed.
• 12:47
  The charges were scratched.
• 12:49
  The attorney general didn't pull up the case and charge me within the 72 hours they had to do so.
• 12:56
  I think that had to do with the judge.
• 12:58
  I think the judge gave me mercy right when she let me out.
• 13:05
  So I had, my mom helped me, my mom helped me get a lawyer.
• 13:09
  I was lawyered up, I was ready.
• 13:11
  And when we showed up, the charges were scratched.
• 13:14
  However, they had seven years pull it up on me.
• 13:18
  So if I got, they could pull it up at any given time if they wanted to, or if I got into trouble, they would pull that charge back up on me.
• 13:26
  they couldn't get ahold of him, he wasn't gonna press charges, but the city decided not to.
• 13:32
  So for seven years I counted down every year for them, charges to be, you know, erased anyways.
• 13:41
  When the charges were scratched, guess what?
• 13:43
  I get to go home, but guess who's still there?
• 13:46
  Him and he refused to leave.
• 13:50
  But guess what?
• 13:52
  no motherfucking job guys.
• 13:54
  I had no way to pay my car.
• 13:56
  I had no way to pay my mortgage.
• 13:58
  I had no way to do anything, and I had no family that I could call or anybody to help me.
• 14:06
  I'll never forget my friend Vanessa.
• 14:08
  I love her to death.
• 14:10
  she found out I went to jail and I came back, she came over and gave me money and helped me pay my mortgage.
• 14:17
  And while I helped me pay some of my bills because she knew I had no job, you know?
• 14:22
  I was still low because I could not get a job.
• 14:25
  Now I graduated.
• 14:26
  Now we're in May, guys, he is still living with me.
• 14:29
  We're in May.
• 14:30
  I get my degree.
• 14:32
  I can't get a job.
• 14:36
  I can't get a job in social work, so I had to be creative.
• 14:41
  Right.
• 14:41
  I got a whole ass master's degree.
• 14:44
  I can't afford to take my state licensure test.
• 14:46
  I'm too stressed to do it.
• 14:48
  I fucking failed my fucking test to get out of college because I was so stressed miserable.
• 14:55
  I ended up having to take a oral test, which was probably better, did a presentation and I fucking graduated.
• 15:00
  Okay.
• 15:01
  finally get a job two weeks after my graduation At the City of Phoenix?
• 15:05
  No, not city of Phoenix.
• 15:06
  At university of Phoenix at the academic counselor because I, my background didn't matter because the charges were scratched.
• 15:14
  I didn't need a fingerprint clearance card for that.
• 15:16
  So I got a job.
• 15:19
  I get my first month paycheck.
• 15:21
  He's still living in my house, what the fuck he wants to do, trying to act like we're okay.
• 15:27
  I love you.
• 15:28
  We're good.
• 15:29
  You're gonna be fine.
• 15:30
  And in my head, I'm thinking.
• 15:33
  fuck you.
• 15:35
  I ruined my life.
• 15:36
  Like I'm trying to figure out how to get them fuck outta my house.
• 15:39
  to work one day and this motherfucker shows up to my job.
• 15:44
  I come outside and he starts acting a fucking fool in the parking lot of my
• 15:50
  Vonnie: What.
• 15:51
  drea: about anxiety and the police.
• 15:56
  I went back into that building.
• 15:59
  I went to my supervisor.
• 16:01
  I had only been working there like five weeks, and I said, I'm being harassed and I need to go get a restraining order.
• 16:08
  I have to go.
• 16:10
  I left.
• 16:11
  I went straight to the victim advocate center.
• 16:15
  That motherfuckers helped me file for a restraining order.
• 16:18
  I got that motherfucker served and up out my motherfucking house the same fucking day,
• 16:23
  Vonnie: Woo.
• 16:25
  drea: that I was done.
• 16:27
  Do you hear me?
• 16:29
  I was done until.
• 16:31
  He was stalking me when I'd go to work and I'd come home.
• 16:35
  He knew how to get in my house.
• 16:37
  Tools would be missing, stuff would be missing.
• 16:40
  He was coming in my house, y'all when I wasn't home.
• 16:44
  Okay.
• 16:46
  So now I'm feeling like that little girl whose daddy stalked my mama.
• 16:52
  I'm feeling like that little girl who's that first boy who hit me was stalking me, and I was in a horrible place in the midst of this.
• 17:02
  I'm trying to be a parent.
• 17:03
  Luckily, that summer I did send my son off to his dad.
• 17:07
  sent my son to his dad with the, even though I knew I shouldn't have, but I had to because had to figure this shit out.
• 17:14
  So, got him up at my house.
• 17:16
  Luckily my son was gone, so I was able to do some shit then he kept stalking me and then I just stopped paying my fucking mortgage.
• 17:23
  I let my house go into foreclosure.
• 17:25
  I packed up all my fucking shit, and me and my son fucking moved and I hid and I hid for a long time.
• 17:32
  I still would talk to his kids sometimes, um, daughter, um, his two oldest daughter.
• 17:39
  Um, and I always talk to his sister.
• 17:41
  I still talk to his niece.
• 17:42
  I still talk to his sister.
• 17:43
  Like I'm still good with people because they knew that I wasn't a bad person.
• 17:48
  And story short, he stalked me for years.
• 17:51
  Even when I lived somewhere else, there was times he came banging on my door when I, when my ride or die was there.
• 17:58
  And eventually he just left me the fuck alone.
• 18:01
  And here's the funny thing is now that we're in a situation, I could see him right now and I would go support his business.
• 18:09
  I have no hard feelings against him.
• 18:11
  I have no hate against him at all.
• 18:14
  Because what I learned from that is I took accountability for my own actions.
• 18:21
  I took my power back and I looked at my childhood.
• 18:25
  I looked at my relationships, I looked at my mistakes, I looked at my bad choices.
• 18:31
  I looked at all of that.
• 18:32
  And that situation with him was not all him.
• 18:37
  I should not have been with him.
• 18:40
  I should not have came back that day.
• 18:42
  I should never let him move back in my house knowing we had a dysfunctional relationship, I should not have been using him to fix my cars.
• 18:49
  Knowing I talked to other people, I don't hate him.
• 18:54
  And I could be in a room with him and laughing and giggle and be cool.
• 18:59
  I don't want him ever again.
• 19:01
  I can be super cool with him because that was my biggest lesson.
• 19:05
  I would had to be accountable for myself I could have got myself out of that and never got to that point, if that makes sense.
• 19:14
  so that was the end of my abuse.
• 19:17
  so that's why I'm where I'm at today, because I don't wanna mess with a man's feelings for two.
• 19:24
  I know I'm fucking crazy.
• 19:28
  I turned myself around and I started, I volunteered for the past 12 years, 13, actually, like 14 years, at a women's program where I taught anger management and coping skills.
• 19:39
  I taught domestic violence, the cycle of domestic violence.
• 19:43
  that to remind myself, but also to give back because although I was a victim of domestic violence, I also became the product of a domestic violence by always being willing to fight because I always had to fight.
• 19:56
  And in that, that last relationship I probably didn't have to fight.
• 20:01
  Until we had a fight.
• 20:03
  So it helped me to heal myself.
• 20:06
  But in the midst of that.
• 20:09
  just did not like I started dating the guy, the, I'm gonna call him the long term and having him around all those years because he is been around for decades and people always wonder like, why?
• 20:28
  you know what, I first started dating him, it was about two years after the, the, the me cutting someone.
• 20:37
  But when we started talking, there was one day where he kind of got loud with me and I said, Hey, I can't be in a relationship with a man who makes me feel that we argue you're gonna make me feel like you might hurt me.
• 20:49
  I had to really be honest with him.
• 20:51
  And I had to tell him like, I can't be in a relationship, that I'm gonna be fearful of being hurt.
• 20:59
  I can't fight you.
• 21:00
  'cause for one, I'm a woman and I'm not gonna win.
• 21:03
  I've learned that.
• 21:04
  And for two, I don't wanna go to prison.
• 21:07
  So we had that conversation only been one time that we had a physical altercation.
• 21:14
  And that was because one day he was at the club I was at the club, but I was at a whole other club and he was gonna meet me at my house after the club.
• 21:25
  And I get a phone call from him when I'm trying to get home.
• 21:28
  I have my best friend in the car, we're trying to get home, he calls me and says, I'm so fucking pissed right now.
• 21:35
  I said, what happened?
• 21:37
  He was like, somebody busted out my window of my car.
• 21:40
  I said, what the fuck?
• 21:41
  At the club?
• 21:41
  He was like, yeah.
• 21:42
  I said, did they take anything?
• 21:44
  He is like, no.
• 21:45
  I said, well, what the fuck?
• 21:46
  Who the fuck you fucking with?
• 21:47
  That a bitch?
• 21:48
  Uh, bust out your window?
• 21:49
  He said, oh, you just know it's a bitch, huh?
• 21:52
  I was like, what are you saying?
• 21:53
  I said, we know you probably got other hoes like you've been pissed somebody off.
• 21:57
  Somebody mad at your ass.
• 21:58
  He said, that's funny you say that.
• 22:00
  Where are you at?
• 22:02
  I said, well, I'm almost home.
• 22:04
  he was like, oh yeah, because somebody came up to me in the club and told me some big booty Mexican girl busted my window out.
• 22:11
  Keya: Hilarious.
• 22:15
  drea: Guys, still to this day, I know my ex will say he didn't do it, but I know he fucking did it.
• 22:21
  He knew who my guy was because a month before that he told me where my guy the time hung out and what kind of car he drove.
• 22:32
  So mind you, that was a horrible night because I then get home, I tell my homegirl, I said, girl, he's mad.
• 22:38
  He think I busted his his fucking window out and it ain't me.
• 22:41
  But he said he is still coming over.
• 22:43
  So I'm running to the Circle K across the street from my house in my car.
• 22:47
  To get a blunt.
• 22:48
  'cause I'm like, well we just gonna smoke a blunt.
• 22:49
  He'll be okay.
• 22:50
  Right.
• 22:51
  I don't know who did it 'cause they my, I didn't do it like I did not do it guys, I don't fuck with people's property 'cause I don't want anybody fuck with mine.
• 22:59
  I didn't do it.
• 23:00
  As I'm coming outta Circle K, I get fucking pulled over by the fucking police.
• 23:05
  I literally live across the street.
• 23:06
  This police officer has me hemmed up for 45 minutes outside my car and I literally could see my front door.
• 23:13
  'cause that's what I lived in the townhouses in Tempe.
• 23:16
  In the midst of that, I see him drive by and so I'm like, oh, well he's gotta leave.
• 23:21
  45 minutes later I go to my house, he's sitting outside and he was like, oh, so you got pulled over for speeding home after busting out my window.
• 23:29
  That's what he thought.
• 23:30
  I said I got pulled over 'cause I didn't turn my lights on after coming from Circle K and I, and I didn't have, I said, I took my leggings off and I have a seat, my, my knitted sweater address, just kind of see through it.
• 23:41
  I think the police officer was trying to look through my fucking clothes, you know, like I'm really trying to, you know, explain to him.
• 23:48
  But in his mind, somebody fucking told him that I busted his window out, but didn't say my name.
• 23:55
  Just describe me.
• 23:56
  Ain't that kind of ironic guys.
• 23:58
  So anyways, we, we arguing and I tell him, dude, I can, we can't be arguing.
• 24:05
  Like, I cannot go to jail, but he's hot.
• 24:08
  So tell me why.
• 24:10
  I had tile I had a rug on the floor and this mother, the rug always moved.
• 24:16
  Like, it always shifted.
• 24:17
  Okay.
• 24:17
  Like when I tell you, walk on it and moved.
• 24:19
  Okay.
• 24:21
  He went to walk on the rug and fell on me.
• 24:25
  I thought he was trying to fight me and I fucking lost it.
• 24:30
  And I started kicking and swinging to get up off of me, and he jumped back.
• 24:34
  Like my bad.
• 24:35
  I fell like I wasn't trying, and he literally did not tell.
• 24:38
  He literally fell on me.
• 24:39
  Okay?
• 24:40
  But I snapped and then I got scared, and then I stopped.
• 24:43
  So then he, he goes to leave, and so I was like, yeah, you need to leave.
• 24:47
  I walked behind him to go to lock the door.
• 24:50
  He turns around and pushes me, slid my whole hallway all the way down to the fucking next, like the door.
• 24:59
  I slid across my entire fucking living room.
• 25:03
  I get up and forget that I have these charges.
• 25:08
  I go outside.
• 25:09
  His window is busted, and I fucking clocked him in his motherfucking mouth and busted his fucking lip.
• 25:17
  And then I went in the house and locked the door.
• 25:20
  He is then banging on my fucking door.
• 25:22
  And now I'm in the house scared as fuck because I'm like, he's gonna beat my ass.
• 25:27
  The police don't come.
• 25:28
  I'm gonna go to jail.
• 25:30
  isn't supposed to happen, right?
• 25:32
  So he's banging and I'm like, oh my God.
• 25:34
  So I finally just said, I, it's either let him in and take the ass whooping or fucking have the police come, right?
• 25:40
  I chose ass whooping.
• 25:43
  He comes to the house and he looks at me.
• 25:45
  He was like, are you fucking crazy?
• 25:47
  Ain't nobody ever busted my lip.
• 25:49
  He's in the bathroom now looking at his lip like, I've been in so many fights and ain't no man ever busted my lip and you just gonna bust my lip.
• 25:58
  And I'm like, I'm so sorry.
• 26:00
  I thought you were trying to hurt me.
• 26:01
  He was like, I was in domestic.
• 26:03
  And he tells me I had domestic violence with my first son's mother, when I try to leave the house, she came from behind me and started choking me.
• 26:14
  said, and I got arrested for that.
• 26:17
  And then I said, oh.
• 26:21
  So you turned around thinking I was gonna hurt you and I wasn't.
• 26:25
  I was just gonna lock the door behind you.
• 26:28
  instead you pushed me 'cause you thought I was gonna do something.
• 26:32
  And then I got mad and retaliated, right?
• 26:37
  Do you understand that?
• 26:38
  We sat in that house for three hours after that and we discussed the entire situation.
• 26:44
  At this point, I'm crying and I'm like, I don't want a man that's gonna hurt me.
• 26:48
  Why do I keep finding these men?
• 26:50
  And he's looking at me like, I would never hurt you.
• 26:53
  I don't put my hands on women.
• 26:55
  you know, we have this whole long conversation and after that we never had any of those type of things.
• 27:02
  Like he'd get angry here or there, but never, I never felt, you know, there was only one other time where he got so angry and that was probably when he went through my phone that he grabbed me.
• 27:15
  But I, I. I don't fight back anymore guys.
• 27:19
  I actually shrivel up and I just, I sit there, I have no reaction whatsoever.
• 27:29
  none because I am too terrified of going to prison or I don't wanna fight a man.
• 27:37
  so like everybody wonders why I dealt with him all of these years in my situationship, that was a relationship.
• 27:43
  'cause I called him my boyfriend for so long.
• 27:45
  But it was a situationship really.
• 27:48
  I never want, I started the problem.
• 27:50
  I never wanted to live with him.
• 27:51
  I didn't wanna spend the night.
• 27:53
  I, I had all these different rules because I was terrified of getting too close to somebody, terrified of being in a domestic violence relationship.
• 28:02
  I also really was more terrified of myself.
• 28:05
  Like it took me years to be okay with.
• 28:09
  What if my feelings got hurt?
• 28:10
  Am I gonna react a certain way?
• 28:12
  What if this happens?
• 28:13
  What if that happens?
• 28:14
  And so he actually stood by my side all these years as I worked through my shit.
• 28:20
  Like I literally had to work through my shit.
• 28:21
  I had to forgive myself.
• 28:23
  had to accept myself.
• 28:25
  I had to understand where I got diagnosed with PTSD.
• 28:29
  ADHD, I had to understand where the PTSD came from.
• 28:32
  I had to understand my anger issues.
• 28:35
  I had to do a lot of self, I had to learn myself and I had to teach myself, and I had to love myself and I had to give back to myself.
• 28:45
  And I had to be feel safe.
• 28:47
  I can never be with a man who makes me feel unsafe.
• 28:51
  If we have an argument, I need to know that he's not gonna leave because we argued and he is not gonna try to harm me.
• 28:57
  And so for years, that is how.
• 29:00
  got into the situation ships, I always had them.
• 29:03
  Let's not lie, I always had them.
• 29:05
  However, I embraced them even more as I got older after cutting my ex because I did not trust myself and I had to work on myself.
• 29:14
  Had a lot, a lot of work to do, um, which is even why now I try to control my anger.
• 29:19
  But I, like I said, I teach anger management and I've accepted, like, I honestly, if it wasn't for the police and cameras, I'd probably pop a lot on people and be ready to swing.
• 29:28
  I'm a happy, lucky, go lucky person, but I'd be ready to fight a lot guys.
• 29:33
  And a lot of it is if I fear for my life or just fearful in a situation.
• 29:40
  so yeah, that's how, and then my son moved outta my house and then being by myself for so many years and working on myself helped.
• 29:48
  But now I've been alone for so long that it's like, do I want somebody in my life?
• 29:52
  I want somebody in my house?
• 29:55
  I don't, I can't promise you that if, I think we talked about this before.
• 29:59
  I think you guys asked me like if I got in a relationship and I found out the dude was cheating on me, would I harm him?
• 30:10
  I would.
• 30:11
  we lived together or were married, I can't promise you that if I caught a man cheating on me that I would not pop.
• 30:19
  And so I am just very careful with anyone that lives in my house.
• 30:24
  When the guy lived with me, he only lived with me for a few months in my entire adult life.
• 30:29
  have cumulative between my son's father and my ex, probably lived with a man nine months out of my life.
• 30:36
  Cumulative between them both.
• 30:38
  So my entire diet life, adult life what?
• 30:42
  How many years is that?
• 30:43
  I can't even count.
• 30:43
  29 years or something.
• 30:46
  I've literally lived alone it was my son.
• 30:49
  Keya: Damn.
• 30:50
  drea: So that's my story of how I got here in my domestic violence.
• 30:56
  What I would say to women is domestic violence isn't just physical, it's mental.
• 31:03
  It's money and control and power.
• 31:05
  is, it is not an easy thing to get out of.
• 31:10
  I've had the pleasure of working with women who have suffered from domestic violence.
• 31:14
  It is real.
• 31:15
  It's not a game.
• 31:17
  you can definitely feel bad about yourself, that is why I'm the chronically situationship woman who's barely gotten to the age where I might trust being in a relationship or feel safe to be in one.
• 31:31
  when it's all said and done, technically I have been in one for 15, 16 years and I didn't always give him enough credit for.
• 31:40
  Dealing with me all these years when I was really trying to figure out myself and what I was fearful of.
• 31:47
  he helped me not be fearful like being able to have disagreements that weren't gonna escalate into abuse.
• 31:56
  So shout out to him, but, um, because everybody always wondered why I dealt with him for so long, but he understood my crazy, I guess helped me through my bullshit.
• 32:09
  So
• 32:10
  Keya: what is.
• 32:12
  The biggest, biggest, biggest piece of advice that you can give a woman or a man who finds themselves in this situation the very first time?
• 32:31
  as a social worker, as someone who's clinically trained in this,
• 32:37
  drea: so there's so many different levels, but if it just started, I would definitely remove yourself from it and get away from it and not go back.
• 32:46
  look at yourself and see why you wanna go back why it even happened.
• 32:54
  I would also say that if you're in a, if you're in abusive relationship now and you're scared for your life, because I didn't experience where men have said, I'm gonna kill you, if you leave me, where people have been told they're gonna be, they're gonna kill them.
• 33:06
  I, I've had patient people that I like, clients that I've talked to where their abuser has said, I will kill myself or kill you if you leave me.
• 33:14
  So you stay for that guilt.
• 33:15
  You wanna have a safety plan, you wanna have money saved.
• 33:19
  You wanna have a plan of where you'll, you'll run to if you have to run.
• 33:23
  because my situation is nothing compared to what other people after I've, you know, talked with people.
• 33:31
  but the one thing is it's okay to not be okay.
• 33:35
  And you don't have to be silent.
• 33:38
  It's not a shame to be abused.
• 33:42
  It's.
• 33:44
  Unfortunate for some people who have to go through it, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
• 33:49
  there's more help out there than what you think.
• 33:51
  that there's always somebody that loves you even when you think they don't.
• 33:55
  And it's not your abuser there is, you know, domestic, violence, shelters, hotlines, there's so much more help out there these days.
• 34:03
  So I would definitely say remove yourself.
• 34:07
  not to go back.
• 34:08
  Surround yourself around important people, like special people that are willing to help you through this that you are not the problem.
• 34:17
  that's what I would say.
• 34:19
  Vonnie: Thank you for sharing your stories with us and um, a lot of that I did not know, I was not there during those times.
• 34:29
  Anybody wanna reach out, have comments, gone through something similar,
• 34:35
  please reach out to us.
• 34:39
  drea: Most of my family never heard it.
• 34:40
  never knew about my stories.
• 34:42
  Guys,
• 34:42
  this will be the
• 34:43
  time that my family
• 34:46
  with Mexican family there's shit we keep quiet, just so you know.
• 34:50
  So it's out there.
• 34:51
  Keya: Black families as well.
• 34:53
  So yeah, I, definitely Second what Vonnie said, chatties, if you out there, you have your own stories, please let us know.
• 35:04
  Follow us Like, subscribe, share on all things social.
• 35:09
  at tha group chat say, not THE, but THA What Tha group chat say all things social.
• 35:19
  like, subscribe, and share and drop comments.