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Imposter Syndrome: Wildly Successful and Still That 12-Year-Old Girl · You're Not Too Much

• 0:00
  This is literally me in my office with some random dude from across the pond
• 0:05
  who makes it sound pretty, and Alison, who does all of my thinking, who you
• 0:11
  get to hear at the end of every episode.
• 0:12
  That's all this is.
• 0:15
  First off, it's amazing that we're on the charts to begin with.
• 0:17
  I need to be clear about that.
• 0:18
  The fact that our little show shows up on the United States mental health
• 0:23
  and health and fitness charts is wild.
• 0:26
  We have two shows that are live.
• 0:28
  We have five more in production.
• 0:29
  We have all of this stuff going on that is really cool and super extra
• 0:34
  fantastic, and I'm so proud of all of it.
• 0:37
  And also, at my core, I am still that 12-year-old girl who is
• 0:42
  very concerned that you're not gonna come to my birthday party.
• 0:47
  Welcome to You're Not Too Much from the Different, Not Broken
• 0:50
  Network, a podcast about how you're not too much, they're not enough.
• 0:55
  Space expands, so let's fill it.
• 1:01
  If you haven't listened to our first episode, I recommend it.
• 1:04
  And I might be familiar enough with this podcasty stuff now to know that if you
• 1:14
  look in the show notes, our producer will put the link to the first episode
• 1:19
  or some, some way to make it easier.
• 1:21
  I don't read our show notes.
• 1:22
  I don't look at our show notes, but there'll be some way to get there.
• 1:25
  The reason being is in the first episode, I broke down my
• 1:32
  general, unabashed, uncontrollable mortification at having a podcast
• 1:40
  and willingly showing up every day that we record to record.
• 1:45
  And the idea of having a podcast, so mortifying.
• 1:49
  And there's a lot of reasons to that, dealing with the fact that
• 1:53
  I've never been comfortable with attention, 'cause I don't think you
• 1:55
  should want attention, and you should never admit that you like attention.
• 1:59
  Except I've come to a point in my life at almost 40 where I'm like, "No, I
• 2:02
  like making people laugh. I like saying things that make people feel good."
• 2:06
  And so, like, trying to figure out how to navigate that while still, in
• 2:09
  general, having deep amounts of shame for ever wanting to be perceived.
• 2:13
  That's a thing.
• 2:14
  So we, I broke it down a lot on the very first episode.
• 2:16
  It's 18 months later.
• 2:18
  Newsflash, that has not changed.
• 2:20
  It hasn't.
• 2:21
  I still show up every week and I'm like, "What am I doing here?" Now,
• 2:26
  I'm better about knowing the actual mechanics of what I'm doing, and
• 2:31
  I'm also better about telling myself to just shut up and go record.
• 2:36
  That was a challenge at one point.
• 2:38
  Those parts have improved, and I'm also trying to get better at celebrating
• 2:43
  things that seem really fricking cool.
• 2:45
  Because what happens in my brain, and I bet a lot of you do this too, because
• 2:52
  I, I tend to be a magnet for people like this, and this is not a criticism at
• 2:56
  all because it's how my brain works too.
• 2:58
  But as soon as something good happens, my brain immediately goes to, "That's
• 3:03
  probably not gonna last," or, "What's the bad thing that's gonna happen next?"
• 3:07
  Or, "How is some bad thing gonna happen?" Or we get the success of one thing,
• 3:13
  and that seems all cool and stuff, and then the next week or, like, the next
• 3:19
  minute, my brain is automatically on the next thing we have to conquer instead
• 3:23
  of just sitting back and appreciating the fact that we just had a giant win.
• 3:28
  Like a giant, giant win.
• 3:30
  I can't unwind from whatever is next.
• 3:34
  I am not good at sitting down and appreciating what is currently.
• 3:40
  I'm trying to get better at it, and I also yell at people
• 3:43
  about doing it all the time.
• 3:44
  Do as I say, something something.
• 3:46
  Anyway, the point of all that drivel being that my producer
• 3:51
  tells me not to look at the podcast charts, the Apple Podcast charts.
• 3:56
  Except he can shut up because I like looking at the charts.
• 4:01
  And I think part of it is my deep commitment to trying to be
• 4:05
  disappointed in myself all the time.
• 4:07
  'Cause sometimes I look and it's not great, and I'm like, "See, that makes
• 4:10
  sense. That's correct. It should… That's how it's supposed to be." But then I do
• 4:14
  things like look yesterday and find out…
• 4:18
  And this is, this is not a… One, it's not a competition, and
• 4:21
  two, there's not, like, a direct correlation between two podcasts.
• 4:25
  So one podcast doing something does not mean that another
• 4:27
  podcast did not do that thing.
• 4:29
  But this was just such a visual representation of what this
• 4:32
  tiny little podcast is doing.
• 4:34
  This is literally me in my office with some random dude from across the pond
• 4:40
  who makes it sound pretty, and Alison, who does all of my thinking, who you
• 4:45
  get to hear at the end of every episode.
• 4:47
  That's all this is, is just me running my mouth with two people
• 4:54
  who tolerate me really well.
• 4:56
  There's no big production.
• 4:58
  It's just us.
• 5:00
  We don't have fancy things.
• 5:01
  It's just us.
• 5:02
  Neal is arguably a little fancy 'cause he's got, like, tons of
• 5:06
  experience and he's really good at what he does, but, like, the rest of
• 5:09
  us are just, like, making shit up.
• 5:11
  First off, it's amazing that we're on the charts to begin with.
• 5:14
  I need to be clear about that.
• 5:15
  The fact that our little show shows up on the United States mental health
• 5:20
  and health and fitness charts is wild.
• 5:23
  Again, we are a very small show, and the shows that are on there are so
• 5:27
  much bigger and more gigantically produced, and the fact that we
• 5:30
  show up at all is freaking wild.
• 5:33
  But then yesterday I looked, again, not looking to congratulate myself, really
• 5:39
  looking to see what kind of disappointment I am that day, and our show was showing
• 5:44
  up one line above, so the same column, one row above Sanjay Gupta's podcast.
• 5:52
  If you don't know, Sanjay Gupta is an incredible physician who
• 5:56
  is a CNN correspondent, and his podcast is produced by CNN.
• 6:04
  CNN has money, as much money as any news station has right
• 6:09
  now, but they have, like, money.
• 6:11
  They put actual production value behind that show.
• 6:13
  We weren't even one… It's not like he was, like, the next one on the charts.
• 6:16
  There's a whole, like, eight of them or something that are between.
• 6:19
  I don't remember what number we are, were and what number he was.
• 6:21
  The only reason it mattered is because he was in the same column, so he showed
• 6:24
  up right below me, below this show.
• 6:27
  He has no idea who I am.
• 6:29
  He probably shouldn't have any idea who I am, arguably.
• 6:33
  But my tiny little show of me yapping into a microphone popped up above
• 6:38
  his on the actual podcast charts that are the place where the majority of
• 6:44
  people are getting their podcasts.
• 6:45
  Majority by a lot.
• 6:46
  Neal would have to tell you how much, but by a lot.
• 6:49
  That's really freaking neat.
• 6:50
  And of course, to further demonstrate the point that I was making earlier, I saw
• 6:57
  it, I screenshotted it, I did what you're supposed to do and posted about it because
• 7:02
  you're supposed to post your wins, but the whole time I was going, "It's like, I'll
• 7:07
  check back later and it'll be way lower.
• 7:09
  Like, he's gonna jump above us in a couple of hours.
• 7:12
  Like, it's not gonna stay that way." Of course, I'm also slightly obsessive, and
• 7:16
  so I checked a ton yesterday and today.
• 7:18
  We're still charting above Sanjay Gupta.
• 7:20
  This is not a criticism of Sanjay Gupta.
• 7:21
  I think he's great.
• 7:23
  I'm just saying that feels like a big fricking thing.
• 7:25
  This is not, like, some random person from Podsville, USA.
• 7:30
  Like, he's an actual human with a television show.
• 7:34
  That feels really neat before my brain starts doing all of the undoing of
• 7:40
  the neat things where it says that this isn't gonna last in a short
• 7:45
  term and somebody made a mistake.
• 7:46
  Listen, my brain's probably always gonna work that way, but I'm
• 7:51
  better at telling it to shove it.
• 7:52
  Actually, I don't even know if that's true.
• 7:54
  I'm better at just letting that exist alongside the other things that can
• 7:59
  be true, and the other things that can be true are that we're doing a
• 8:04
  really fricking good job, and that it might be a fluke, but it's not the
• 8:09
  first time that we've had that fluke.
• 8:12
  So when does something that keeps happening become not a fluke?
• 8:15
  I don't know.
• 8:16
  I'm not the arbiter of flukes.
• 8:18
  Maybe I am.
• 8:19
  Maybe I should be.
• 8:20
  I don't know.
• 8:21
  But here we are, September of 2020, whatever year this is, 2026.
• 8:27
  Look at me knowing what day and time it is.
• 8:29
  We just passed 400,000 downloads.
• 8:31
  We're charting above Sanjay freaking Gupta.
• 8:34
  I'm still just running my stupid mouth into a microphone.
• 8:38
  Nothing has changed, and you guys are still here, and there's more of you now.
• 8:44
  So hello, and I love you, and give my love to Sanjay Gupta, who is a good dude.
• 8:52
  I don't know that for sure.
• 8:53
  I'm just assuming.
• 8:54
  He seems like a good doctor.
• 8:56
  But we're doing something here, I think. And maybe the important point to leave
• 9:04
  it all off on is I am a successful person with successful things.
• 9:08
  I have businesses that have done really well.
• 9:10
  I've taken three exits from companies.
• 9:12
  I have helped a lot of people run their businesses.
• 9:16
  I'm running an incredibly successful consulting company right now.
• 9:19
  We just went from being a podcast to a podcast network.
• 9:21
  We have two shows that are live.
• 9:23
  We have five more in production.
• 9:24
  We have all of this stuff going on that is really cool and super extra
• 9:29
  fantastic, and I'm so proud of all of it.
• 9:32
  And also, at my core, I am still that 12-year-old girl who is
• 9:37
  very concerned that you're not gonna come to my birthday party.
• 9:40
  I'm never gonna not be that girl.
• 9:43
  That was a double negative, and it hurt me, but you know what I meant.
• 9:45
  We can be both wildly successful and also that little kid, and
• 9:52
  that's kinda gotta be okay.
• 9:53
  And it is okay.
• 9:55
  It is okay.
• 9:56
  It's absolutely okay.
• 10:01
  Friends, there is such big news in podcast land, specifically my podcast
• 10:06
  land, specifically our podcasts' land.
• 10:10
  We've talked about this a little bit, especially when we rebranded the show.
• 10:13
  Our network exists.
• 10:14
  Our show just transitioned.
• 10:16
  We were Different, Not Broken.
• 10:18
  Now we're You're Not Too Much, and we are You're Not Too Much because we are the
• 10:22
  Different, Not Broken Network, which means we are a network of freakin' podcasts.
• 10:26
  What? A network.
• 10:29
  We have two shows that are live.
• 10:32
  Obviously this one that you are listening to right now, and thank you for that.
• 10:36
  But also, an incredible new show by a wonderful pediatrician
• 10:40
  named Stephanie Walsh.
• 10:42
  Her specialty is pediatric metabolic health and pediatric obesity, and it's
• 10:46
  called You're Not In Charge of the Scale, and it very specifically dives
• 10:49
  into the realities of being a young person with a body and what that means
• 10:57
  and how we can create body positive kids who still are focused on health.
• 11:03
  We don't focus on weight, and the fact that all bodies are good bodies.
• 11:07
  And so we have obviously two shows that are running, but we
• 11:11
  have five more in production.
• 11:13
  Five.
• 11:14
  Guys, I'm working on five shows.
• 11:17
  Five.
• 11:18
  That's… Do you know how many shows five i- It's five, but it's a lot.
• 11:22
  It's a lot.
• 11:22
  One's a lot.
• 11:23
  Five is so many.
• 11:25
  My producer is… He heard me say five podcasts, and it physically hurt him
• 11:30
  even though he's not listening right now.
• 11:32
  He's going to listen to this when he's editing it, and
• 11:35
  he's gonna cry into his soup.
• 11:37
  I don't know if British people have soup, but if they do, he's
• 11:39
  gonna cry into it because these are the things that I do to him.
• 11:42
  But we have five shows that are in production right now, and that's amazing.
• 11:46
  I will tell you more about them and keep you up to date on when those things
• 11:50
  are going to go live relatively soon.
• 11:53
  But also, on top of that, huge news.
• 11:57
  Not the hugest.
• 11:58
  It's pretty big news.
• 11:59
  It is the hugest news that I have to share with you today.
• 12:02
  So huge that I made up a word to talk about it to say that it's the hugest.
• 12:07
  We are a sponsored podcast network.
• 12:09
  Our network is sponsored.
• 12:12
  Not a lot of people get to say that, and I don't know what I did to
• 12:18
  make anybody trust me enough to be like, "Sure, we'll give you money,"
• 12:21
  but peoples are giving us money.
• 12:23
  You're gonna hear new sponsor content.
• 12:25
  You are gonna hear about some of our partners.
• 12:27
  You are gonna hear about new brands that we're working with.
• 12:29
  It is the biggest partnership deal.
• 12:33
  It is way bigger than I ever perceived was possible for me and my giant
• 12:40
  mouth, but it's all very exciting.
• 12:43
  And all of that to say a year ago, a little over a year ago, this was
• 12:49
  both a pipe dream and my nightmare, 'cause the idea of having an even
• 12:56
  remotely successful podcast, first off, I didn't think it was possible.
• 13:00
  Second off, the fact that I wanted it was mortifying to me.
• 13:03
  And third off, I just had no idea how it could possibly happen.
• 13:07
  But I had this thought in my head of what if we find a way to put a different
• 13:15
  kind of content out into the world?
• 13:18
  And by a different kind, I mean let's find people who know what they're
• 13:21
  doing and give them the ability to say those things, not just on the
• 13:26
  internet, but out in the world.
• 13:28
  And we're starting to do that.
• 13:30
  I don't include myself in the people who know what they're doing 'cause I have
• 13:33
  made it very clear that I in fact do not.
• 13:34
  But you do not have to know what you're doing to get started.
• 13:38
  You just have to be willing to fail a little.
• 13:42
  And we've failed and we've fallen on our faces, and we've
• 13:45
  done things that didn't work.
• 13:47
  And just shy of 18 months later, we have a whole freaking network that's sponsored.
• 13:55
  So if I can do it, you can.
• 13:58
  I truly believe that.
• 14:00
  I'm not a special magical unicorn.
• 14:03
  I'm just stupid enough to keep trying.
• 14:06
  So come be stupid like me.
• 14:16
  We had a thing that came up last week as we were putting together some
• 14:19
  content for our sponsors, which we can now say, and you'll hear that content.
• 14:25
  If it isn't already on the episodes, you'll hear it soon.
• 14:27
  But I said something very silly that was not intended for the episodes at all.
• 14:33
  It was just me being silly and probably harassing my producer 'cause that's where
• 14:36
  I get my greatest sense of joy, and he responded with something like, "Let's make
• 14:42
  sure we don't put that on the recording because the sponsors won't like that."
• 14:48
  Now to be clear, none of our sponsors have said anything about the type of
• 14:53
  content they will and will not sponsor.
• 14:55
  It has not come up.
• 14:56
  They know what they're getting into.
• 14:57
  They are fully aware.
• 14:58
  They have listened and listened well.
• 15:00
  There's very little that I could say that could surprise them.
• 15:04
  But it did get me thinking, like, am I gonna change the way that I say and do
• 15:10
  things because we have sponsors now?
• 15:12
  I thought about it for a minute, and I was like, fuck no.
• 15:15
  Yeah, no, I don't even know how to do that.
• 15:17
  I wouldn't know how to do that if I tried.
• 15:19
  If you told me not to say something, it would come out of my mouth immediately
• 15:23
  because that is how my brain works.
• 15:26
  And so this is just me saying that I love our sponsors.
• 15:30
  I'm so proud to have them.
• 15:31
  I'm so proud they feel that we are the place to share about their brand
• 15:36
  and their story, and also they know exactly what they're paying for.
• 15:42
  And I don't necessarily understand it, but I support it.
• 15:49
  So not gonna be any changes here.
• 15:51
  My mouth is just as big as ever, and nobody should be shocked or
• 15:56
  surprised by that even a little.
• 16:02
  Ask L2
• 16:06
  We have a question from Brian, and he asks, "I bought 14 project
• 16:12
  management apps in two years, set three of them up beautifully, and
• 16:16
  still run the whole business off sticky notes. Is that a system?"
• 16:20
  Uh, Brian, I'm not, I'm not sure what I did to be attacked like this on, uh,
• 16:24
  whatever day it is that we record these, but yeah, I just am over here living my
• 16:29
  life, and you're coming in and calling me out for things I do all the time.
• 16:33
  Yeah, no, listen, a system is a system, even if it's a stupid system.
• 16:36
  If it's stupid and it works, then it's not stupid.
• 16:39
  It's fine.
• 16:39
  Is it ideal?
• 16:40
  No.
• 16:41
  Are sticky notes a fail-proof system?
• 16:44
  Absolutely not.
• 16:45
  But you're talking to somebody who has two different notebooks on her
• 16:48
  desk that I keep notes in, and I will change the notebook not when I'm
• 16:52
  finished with it, but when it gets too wrinkly and I don't like it anymore.
• 16:56
  And sometimes I use cheap notebooks from the school supply section, and
• 17:01
  sometimes I use really expensive notebooks, and then I get bored of
• 17:05
  them, and then I move to a new system.
• 17:07
  And when I get overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that are sitting in that
• 17:10
  notebook and I have trouble getting things out of my brain to the notebook, then
• 17:15
  all of a sudden, I go build a new system.
• 17:17
  And I did this very recently, where I put together a whole voice-activated system
• 17:23
  that I could just talk into and it would put down all the tasks into a bunch of
• 17:27
  different systems and I could use one of my project management systems with it, or
• 17:31
  it could just be a to-do list on my phone.
• 17:33
  And I could literally check things off by voice.
• 17:36
  I could add things by voice.
• 17:38
  I could put them in different projects.
• 17:39
  Was so excited about all of it.
• 17:40
  And it worked really well for a week, and then I just still felt like I
• 17:46
  couldn't brain, and I had to find a different way to do it, and I went back
• 17:53
  to my… It, it happens every time.
• 17:55
  I go back to my pencil and paper, and right now, I literally have
• 17:58
  a brand-new notebook that I just started that I've been using for a
• 18:02
  couple of days that I copied into.
• 18:05
  I had an identical notebook that has gotten messy, and I
• 18:08
  don't like messy notebooks.
• 18:10
  So I went to this new 35-cent notebook that I have and copied in all of
• 18:14
  the lists and then made new lists.
• 18:16
  I have lists across seven pages.
• 18:18
  Seven pages of lists.
• 18:21
  This would be so much better utilized in a system that I could share
• 18:24
  with the people who are responsible for making my life work, and
• 18:30
  it's just not how my brain works.
• 18:33
  And I don't know if this is helpful advice because I'm all… I'm telling you this
• 18:36
  is a bad system and I know it's a bad system, but every time I try to introduce
• 18:42
  a new system, I just go back to the old bad system 'cause it's how my brain works.
• 18:47
  If I write it down with my hand, I remember it.
• 18:50
  If I use a really good pen, it soothes my soul.
• 18:54
  It feels like somebody is petting my brain.
• 18:56
  Give me a 1.0 tip rollerball pen and a cheap 35-cent notebook and I
• 19:03
  can take over the go- Damn world.
• 19:06
  So yeah, is it a system?
• 19:09
  Yes.
• 19:10
  Is it a good system?
• 19:12
  No.
• 19:13
  Does it have to be a good system?
• 19:16
  Not if it works.
• 19:17
  If you're screwing things up, if you're missing things, if
• 19:19
  you're dropping balls, if…
• 19:21
  You probably need a better system.
• 19:23
  But I will attest to you that finding a system that works for your brain
• 19:27
  that is a, quote-unquote, better system is just way harder than it sounds.
• 19:31
  So much harder than it sounds.
• 19:33
  So I wouldn't worry too much about the system, or the other alternative
• 19:38
  is you worry about the system, but you have your bad system that then
• 19:42
  gets transferred into a better system that is maybe managed by someone else.
• 19:47
  Those are options.
• 19:48
  But I wish I could be more help except to say school supply season
• 19:52
  just ended, so you can get really cheap notebooks, and I'm gonna
• 19:55
  assume really cheap Post-it notes.
• 19:57
  So maybe it's a good time to save money on your bad system.
• 20:00
  I wish I had better advice for you.
• 20:02
  Thanks for being here, guys.
• 20:03
  Have a good day.
• 20:03
  Love you, mean it.
• 20:10
  Ooh, it's 12:12.
• 20:11
  We're
• 20:12
  an hour and one minute past 11:11.