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The Grief of Watching a Parent's Memory Fade · Daily Devotions for Busy Lives

• 0:01
  Bart Leger: For my upcoming book on Becoming a Resilient
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  Caregiver, I sat down with a woman who had cared for her
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  husband through Alzheimer's. He was diagnosed in 2014 in his
• 0:11
  early 60s. She retired after 40 years of work to be home with
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  him, and she made herself a promise. She would keep him at
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  home no matter what. For a while, she did, but the disease kept
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  taking more of him. He started wandering out of the house
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  toward the highway, and she could not always get him back.
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  Then came the day she couldn't get him back at all. She stood
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  in the middle of the with a man she loved. Cars coming, and she
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  hit the end of what she could do alone. Right there, she prayed
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  out loud, Lord, I can't do this by myself anymore. I thought I
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  could, but I've got to have help. We'll come back to what that
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  prayer set in motion. But
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  first, welcome to Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. I'm
• 0:58
  Bart Leger. I've been talking with caregivers for this book,
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  and the woman you just heard from is one of them. Something
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  comes up in almost every conversation. These men and
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  women were grieving people who were still alive. A husband
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  still breathing in the next room. A mother who still knew their
• 1:17
  name most days. already they were losing them. It has changed
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  how I think about my own people and the time I still have with
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  them. Maybe you know what that feels like. You begin to grieve
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  long before the funeral. It shows up when your father asks
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  you the same question three times in an hour. Or when your
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  mother calls you by your brother or your sister's name. The
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  person who raised you is losing pieces of themselves right in
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  front of you. And there's nothing you can do to stop it.
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  You're watching someone you love disappear a little at a time.
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  And you're expected to keep smiling and keep going. People
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  ask, how your dad's doing? And you don't have words for what it
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  is to mourn a man who's sitting right there at the table. And
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  that grief, it's real, even though nobody's died yet. And
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  it's lonely, because the world doesn't necessarily have a
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  category for it. There's no casserole for the slow goodbye.
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  No card that says, sorry your mother forgot your wedding. So
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  you go through it mostly by yourself. And you wonder if
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  you're allowed to grieve someone who's still there. You are. And
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  there's an old prayer in Scripture that speaks right to
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  where you are. Long before any of us faced a diagnosis, Moses
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  prayed a prayer about time. Psalm 90, verse 12 says, So
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  teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of
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  wisdom. Numbering your days means facing the truth that time
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  with the people you love is short and precious, and letting
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  that shape how you spend it. Moses was asking for the wisdom
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  to treat each day like it mattered, because each one does.
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  Here's what that wisdom looks like when your parent is fading,
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  or maybe your spouse. You may not have the father or the
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  spouse you had 10 years ago. The person who fixed everything may
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  be gone already in ways that used to define them. But you
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  still have this version of and this version won't be here
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  forever either. So, numbered these days, don't wait for the
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  parent or the spouse you remember to come back before you
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  love the who's here now. That means speaking the words that
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  need to be said while there's still someone to hear them. Tell
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  your father you love him, even if he can't say it back the way
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  he used to, and say the thing you've been saving for the right
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  moment. Some of the caregivers I talked with said their one
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  regret was waiting. Sure, there would be more time than there
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  was. Then bring what you're grieving to God. He is not far
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  from this. He's with your parent or your spouse, the one losing
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  their memory, holding them even in the confusion.
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  She got him to a hospital, and they admitted him. The next
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  morning, he was bedridden, and no one could tell her why. Sure,
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  her decision on that highway had pushed him over the edge. She
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  called it torment, sitting by his bed, grieving a husband who
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  was still breathing. Slowly, she came to see it another way. She
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  had asked God for help, and in her words, you don't know how
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  he's going to help you. She believes he answered, keeping
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  her husband off that road and other people safe, too. Her
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  advice to anyone in the same place is simple. Reach out for
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  help and pray. The Lord, he will pull you through it, she says,
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  but it's going to be hard. Listen to that line again. You
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  don't know how he's going to help you. She asked for help at
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  the end of what she could do, and he answered in the way she
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  never would have chosen. But yet, he pulled her through. Here's
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  today's challenge. Think of the person you're grieving while
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  they're still here. Do one thing today that you would regret
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  leaving unsaid. Call them or sit beside them and tell them what
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  they have meant to you, even if they can't fully take it in. If
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  they're past the point of understanding, say it to God on
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  their behalf and let him take it from there. Number this day.
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  It's the one you'll wish you had back. Father, some of us are
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  grieving people who are still alive. We're watching someone we
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  love lose themselves a piece at a time, and we don't have the
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  words for how much it hurts. Teach us to number our days.
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  Give us the wisdom to love the person in front of us today and
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  the courage to say what needs to be said while there's still time.
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  Be near to the ones who are fading and hold them when their
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  minds can't.
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  This podcast runs on the generosity of listeners just
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  like you. If Daily Devotions for Busy Lives has encouraged you,
• 6:00
  would you consider supporting it with a one-time gift or by
• 6:03
  becoming a monthly supporter? Every contribution helps keep
• 6:07
  these devotions coming every week. You can give at
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  dailydevotionsforbusylives.com slash support. Thank you so much.
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  Thanks for joining me on Daily Devotions for Busy Lives. with
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  the one who's fading, and with you who loves them. Number these
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  days while you have them. Come back next time for more
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  encouragement to help you live grounded in God's truth. Until
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  then, God bless, and have a great day.