Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1243 - Slow Mornings & Showing Up For Our Kids

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#1243 - Slow Mornings & Showing Up For Our Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: When it comes to parenting, there is simply never a
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Speaker 1: dull moment. Have you noticed that when kids are around,
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Speaker 1: it's on, there's stuff happening. This is the podcast where
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Speaker 1: we dissect what's going on in our families and do
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Speaker 1: our best to make family life better so that we
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Speaker 1: can all flourish, be happy and feel good about our relationships.
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Speaker 1: Could they Welcome to the Happy Families podcast Real Parenting
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Speaker 1: Solutions every Day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast where
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Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. Kylie, quiet week for you, not
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Speaker 1: much going on, everything relaxed.
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Speaker 2: You're hilarious. I don't know where you've been, clearly not
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Speaker 2: at home.
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Speaker 1: Five kids at home at the moment and I know four.
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Speaker 1: We've only got four at home at the moment. So
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Speaker 1: much quieter when there's only four instead of so much
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Speaker 1: five or six. Kicking off today, this is our old
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Speaker 1: do Better Tomorrow episode If You Knew to the Pot.
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Speaker 1: Every Friday we reflect on the week that was, look
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Speaker 1: at what went well or what didn't so that we
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Speaker 1: can be better parents. And I want to share this
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Speaker 1: from one of our employees. Very rare we get the
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Speaker 1: opportunity to feature one of our key staff on the podcast.
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Speaker 1: But my staff actually implement the stuff that we talk about,
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Speaker 1: Like they listen to the pod, and they read the books,
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Speaker 1: and they are engaged with the social media, and they
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Speaker 1: see the stuff that I write, and sometimes they try it.
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Speaker 1: And this is what Mim told me when she tried
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Speaker 1: to implement some things that we talked about on a
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Speaker 1: recent podcast.
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Speaker 3: Hi, Justin and Kylie, it's Mim here. Back in January,
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Speaker 3: I listened to Your Doctor's Desk episode on sleep and
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Speaker 3: heard you mention that sleeping in can create a jet
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Speaker 3: lag effect, while waking up at the same time every
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Speaker 3: day could set the tone for the entire day. Intrigued,
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Speaker 3: I decided to give it a shot. A little backstory.
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Speaker 3: There are three things you should know about me. Firstly,
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Speaker 3: I am not a mover. I don't like walking, exercising,
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Speaker 3: or doing anything that requires unnecessary movement. I'd much rather
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Speaker 3: curl up with a book for hours and end. If
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Speaker 3: you ever see me running, trust me, you should run too,
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Speaker 3: because as there are probably zombies behind me. Number two,
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Speaker 3: mornings in our house are pure chaos. I go to
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Speaker 3: bed exhausted and wake up feeling like I've been hit
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Speaker 3: by a bus, sluggish, grumpy, distracted. I struggle just to
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Speaker 3: wake myself up, let alone wrangle my kids with ADHD.
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Speaker 3: School mornings often feel overwhelming, especially with one child who
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Speaker 3: sometimes refuses to go to school hello high emotions, and
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Speaker 3: another who takes an hour just to put on her socks.
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Speaker 3: The school bus stops right outside our house, and while
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Speaker 3: we hear the other kids ready and waiting ten minutes early,
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Speaker 3: I'm still frantically searching for misin shoes, lunchboxes, hats, and
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Speaker 3: bus passes, right up until the moment the bus pulls
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Speaker 3: in Half the time, at least one kid doesn't even
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Speaker 3: make it out the door in time. Number three, I
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Speaker 3: haven't set an alarm in eighteen years since my eldest
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Speaker 3: was born. Sleepless nights with babies, sick kids, and sheer
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Speaker 3: exhaustion have made even the idea of waking up early
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Speaker 3: seem absurd. I've always thought I needed more sleep, not less. However,
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Speaker 3: game changer. About three months ago, after listening to the
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Speaker 3: episode on Sleep, I took the plunge. When my husband
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Speaker 3: got up at six am for work, I got up too,
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Speaker 3: laced up my joggers, and took our dog for a
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Speaker 3: quick walk. Just as the sun was rising. Then I
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Speaker 3: had a full hour to myself, quiet, peaceful, uninterrupted. I
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Speaker 3: ate breakfast, I read a book, and because I took
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Speaker 3: my ADHD meds earlier than usual, they had time to
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Speaker 3: kick in before the morning rush. By the time the
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Speaker 3: kids woke up, I was already alert, calm, fed, and focused.
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Speaker 3: Instead of meeting their morning grumpiness with my own, I
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Speaker 3: felt patient, collected, and ready to handle whatever chaos came
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Speaker 3: my way. Plus, since the puppy had already been walked,
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Speaker 3: she wasn't bouncing off the walls, making mornings smoother for everyone.
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Speaker 3: And here's the crazy part. I have been jumping out
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Speaker 3: of bed at six am every day since, including weekend,
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Speaker 3: without even needing an alarm, even in pouring rain. Our
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Speaker 3: mornings are still noisy and the kids are still disorganized.
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Speaker 3: But I'm different. I'm calm, I'm present, I'm no longer stressed,
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Speaker 3: and the best part, despite technically getting less sleep, I
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Speaker 3: feel more energized and productive than ever.
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Speaker 2: I love this for mem and I've lived this personal
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Speaker 2: experience so many times where I felt like I just
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Speaker 2: have not got enough time in my day. And when
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Speaker 2: I gift myself that quiet time, in the morning. It
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Speaker 2: makes all the difference to how I show up to
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Speaker 2: the kids.
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Speaker 1: Love the way you structured that, love the way you
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Speaker 1: said that when I gift myself, it doesn't feel like
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Speaker 1: a gift when the alarm goes off, not know when.
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Speaker 2: You're starting a new routine like that. So the fact
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Speaker 2: that she's able to bounce out of bed even without
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Speaker 2: an alarm just says how much her body was wanting
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Speaker 2: them winning.
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Speaker 1: Of course, you've got to go to bed on time,
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Speaker 1: otherwise it's horrible the next day. So that the structure,
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Speaker 1: the more structure you have in your life, more competent
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Speaker 1: you feel, because life makes sense, it's predictable, there's a framework,
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Speaker 1: there's guidelines, there's boundaries, and it means that everything works.
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Speaker 1: So mim so glad that you shared that with us,
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Speaker 1: and so glad, so glad that the stuff that we
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Speaker 1: talk about on Happy Families is making a difference, like
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Speaker 1: it would be really bad if it isn't. But I
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Speaker 1: hope that other people are doing the stuff we talk
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Speaker 1: about as well. Okay, Kylie, let's look at our week
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Speaker 1: that was and see if there's any take home messages
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Speaker 1: and things that people can pick up on to improve
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Speaker 1: their lives. Why don't you kicks off.
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Speaker 2: I've had a couple of beautiful wins with our kids
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Speaker 2: this week. Yeah great, last week I shared that with you.
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Speaker 2: Surfing all of our holiday away, I got to have
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Speaker 2: a lot of time to think deeply about each of
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Speaker 2: the kids and what they needed. And so as I've
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Speaker 2: come home, I've tried to be a lot more present
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Speaker 2: with them and not be like literally be in the moment,
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Speaker 2: not be so caught up and all the other distractions.
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Speaker 2: And I've had three different conversations through the week with
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Speaker 2: our kids that would not have happened if I hadn't
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Speaker 2: have taken that time to really reassess what was most
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Speaker 2: important to me. I love this and doaorter Number three.
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Speaker 2: Ella is away in Canada at the moment, and she
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Speaker 2: calls us once a week now. She usually calls you
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Speaker 2: on a Wednesday night, but I don't talk to her
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Speaker 2: until Thursday around lunchtime. So I've got schooling out of
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Speaker 2: the way and I can really focus on her. But
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Speaker 2: she got caught up in wanting to talk to me
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Speaker 2: on Wednesday night. It was past my bedtime. I was
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Speaker 2: really struggling.
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Speaker 1: I hate it when she calls me on Wednesday night,
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Speaker 1: I got to say because I'm so tired, and.
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Speaker 2: She asked me how our holiday was, and she wanted
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Speaker 2: to know all the details. And once we'd finished, I said,
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Speaker 2: do you know what, do you think we could finish
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Speaker 2: this conversation tomorrow? I'm exhausted and she's like, yeah, Mom,
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Speaker 2: that's fine. And as I went to hang up, it's
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Speaker 2: a video call, so I could see her, I just
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Speaker 2: noticed her energy wasn't where it needed to be, and
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Speaker 2: I said, are you okay? And she just started to
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Speaker 2: tear up. So I ended up being on the phone
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Speaker 2: for probably another forty five minutes while she shared the
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Speaker 2: challenges that she's been experiencing over the last few weeks.
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Speaker 2: And I was just really grateful that instead of my
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Speaker 2: usual okay, i'll talk to you tomorrow and hang up,
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Speaker 2: I just took that it was micro second to just
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Speaker 2: recognize that she actually needed me then, and we had
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Speaker 2: this really gorgeous conversation and she said that she would
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Speaker 2: call me the next day, but she didn't. And I
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Speaker 2: believe she didn't call me because she didn't need to.
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Speaker 2: She'd got what she needed from me, and she was
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Speaker 2: capable of being able to move forward based on the
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Speaker 2: conversation we'd had, and I felt really grateful for that.
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Speaker 2: The second one was our second daughter, Abby. She goes
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Speaker 2: to UNI. She stays down in Brisbane a couple of
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Speaker 2: nights a week, and so often there will go a
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Speaker 2: few days without having any conversation at all. And she's
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Speaker 2: just a kid who knuckles down, gets it all done,
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Speaker 2: and she's not kind of interested in the flowery stuff
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Speaker 2: a lot of the time. And I realized that as
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Speaker 2: a mum, it probably is a shortcoming of mind that
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Speaker 2: I don't tap into her more. And so the other
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Speaker 2: day she was saying over at her friend's house because
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Speaker 2: she was at UNI, and I just thought, I'll just
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Speaker 2: give her a call, and I gave her a call
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Speaker 2: and I had a little chat to It wasn't particularly big,
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Speaker 2: but the difference that that made to the way she
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Speaker 2: interacted with me for the rest of the week was profound.
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Speaker 2: And it just showed me how much our kids are
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Speaker 2: desperate for our connection, even when we think they're just
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Speaker 2: gone fine, like life's awesome. And then the last one
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Speaker 2: was Annie, our seventeen year old. She's in her last
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Speaker 2: year of high school and we've been doing a lot
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Speaker 2: of medical testing and things for her at the moment.
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Speaker 2: So there are a lot of unanswered questions in her life.
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Speaker 1: Stuff going on for a while.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and we had the appointment. We had the specialist
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Speaker 2: share all of his you know, kind of musings and
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Speaker 2: kind of findings, and we finished the conversation and again
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Speaker 2: everything seemed fine. I had a conversation with her on
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Speaker 2: the spot to ask her how she felt about what
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Speaker 2: had happened, and I thought that we had finished the conversation.
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Speaker 2: But when I got in the car later that day
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Speaker 2: to go run an errand it occurred to me that
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Speaker 2: there was one question I hadn't asked her, And so
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Speaker 2: I gave you a call and I rang her up
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Speaker 2: and I said, I know, we've heard what the specialist
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Speaker 2: opinion is, and you know what mum and dad's opinion is,
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Speaker 2: but what's your opinion? And that led to a whole
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Speaker 2: another conversation that I never anticipated having. Number one, but
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Speaker 2: it became so apparent how much weight she's been carrying.
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Speaker 2: As the adults in the room are talking about I
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Speaker 2: guess her well being and what's necessary and what's not,
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Speaker 2: and for whatever reason, her not feeling like she could
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Speaker 2: actually really share what she was feeling in the moment,
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Speaker 2: but given time to digest everything she'd heard, everything she's
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Speaker 2: been through, she was able to then open up and
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Speaker 2: share share a heart. And I have to believe that
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Speaker 2: taking that time out for the week where I was
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Speaker 2: able to really really think deeply about each of our
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Speaker 2: children has made the difference in how I've shown up
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Speaker 2: this week as a mum and how I've been more
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Speaker 2: desirous than usual to let go of all of that distraction,
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Speaker 2: all of those extra things that I keep telling myself
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Speaker 2: is so important and need to be done, and just
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Speaker 2: really be where my kids are when they're with me.
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Speaker 2: And I've loved it. I've absolutely loved it.
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Speaker 1: So many take our messages. When I listen to what
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Speaker 1: you're saying, I'm just hearing time kids feel loved to
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Speaker 1: I am. It can be inconvenient, it can keep you
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Speaker 1: up late at night, it can stop you from doing
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Speaker 1: chores and errands that you know you need to do.
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Speaker 1: But there's something about making that connection. There's something about
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Speaker 1: remembering that, just like dollars the currency of our economy,
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Speaker 1: feeling seen, heard and valued is the currency of our relationships.
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Speaker 1: Being willing to ask your kids step into the conversation
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Speaker 1: with them, go there they need it make such a
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Speaker 1: difference for the well being. Okay, my older better tomorrow
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Speaker 1: is a really really simple one. As a matter of fact,
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Speaker 1: last Saturday, I gave a talk at the Novtel on
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Speaker 1: the Sunshine Coast. It was a big conference for Queensland
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Speaker 1: Foster and Kinship Cares. Five hundred people in the room
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Speaker 1: and ambassadors and government ministers and all that kind of thing.
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Speaker 1: Several of them said that they were quite pleased to
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Speaker 1: not have to go and do all the polling stuff
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Speaker 1: on election day because they got to sit in a
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Speaker 1: conference and listen to me talk instead of being out
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Speaker 1: there eating sausages and Lamington's. I don't know if they
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Speaker 1: were being polite or if they really meant it, but anyway,
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Speaker 1: it was just wonderful to be with a room of
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Speaker 1: people who care so much about kids that they're not
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Speaker 1: just looking after their own biological children, but they're sacrificing
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Speaker 1: their time, their effort to help other people's children to
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Speaker 1: navigate what can sometimes be a really hard and even
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Speaker 1: a traumatic life. But my favorite part of the day,
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Speaker 1: as much as I loved giving that talk, was being
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Speaker 1: able to drive fifteen minutes home which felt really good
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Speaker 1: because normally I'm on aeroplanes and that kind of thing.
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Speaker 1: And I walked into the kitchen. You were in the
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Speaker 1: kitchen with one of the kids. You've been out and
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Speaker 1: done the shopping. You'd been to the farmer's market that morning,
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Speaker 1: just to try something different, and you'd bought all the
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Speaker 1: fresh fruit and veggies. And I've come into the kitchen
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Speaker 1: and you're there. You're chatting with our daughter. Then I'm
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Speaker 1: there and all the fruit and veggies bit by bit
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Speaker 1: getting put away, we're cleaning up the kitchen. We've got
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Speaker 1: some music on and we're just enjoying. And then one
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Speaker 1: of our other kids came in and it felt like
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Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know if we've ever had a
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Speaker 1: Saturday like it. If we have, it's been a long
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Speaker 1: time where we were all hanging out in the kitchen
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Speaker 1: doing a couple of basics that need to be done,
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Speaker 1: but really just enjoying one another's company and feeling relaxed.
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Speaker 1: And I just thought, this, this is how it's supposed
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Speaker 1: to be, right, Like, this is how family life is
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Speaker 1: supposed to be. Where we're not pushed from pillar to post,
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Speaker 1: we're not trying to be efficient and effective at all times,
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Speaker 1: but rather we're just being in the moment doing basic,
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Speaker 1: simple things, Kylie, it just felt good.
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Speaker 2: A number of years ago I brought this beautiful home
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Speaker 2: daycore piece and it was literally a hand painted wooden
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Speaker 2: sign that said the gathering Place. And as the morning unfolded,
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Speaker 2: what occurred to me was that when we create the
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Speaker 2: right environment, our children actually flocked to us like bees
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Speaker 2: to honey. Like it was just when when we've got
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Speaker 2: time and we're not hurried and we're not rushed, watching
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Speaker 2: each of the kids just kind of meander into our
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Speaker 2: space and start conversations that were just and there was
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Speaker 2: no there was no weight to any of it, but
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Speaker 2: they just wanted to be there and they didn't want
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Speaker 2: to go. And it was beautiful. It was absolutely beautiful.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean it made my weekend. I don't know
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Speaker 1: what else to say other than to say that it
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Speaker 1: was perfect. It's what a happy family is supposed to be, right,
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Speaker 1: everyone hanging out in the kitchen and enjoying one of
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Speaker 1: this's company, bit of music in the background, good healthy
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Speaker 1: food on the table.
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Speaker 2: It just felt so did that Basil smell.
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Speaker 1: I just love the whole lot. Anyway, There our take
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Speaker 1: our messages and fundamentally, it all comes back to one thing.
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Speaker 1: Kidspell love t Im, kids fell love t Im. And
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Speaker 1: the more we can slow it down, the more that
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Speaker 1: we can breathe and just have the space to be together,
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Speaker 1: the happier our families feel. Slow it down.
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Speaker 2: When you think about how we opened this and shared
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Speaker 2: MEM's experience, Yeah, this is just a beautiful reality that
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Speaker 2: the more time we can give ourselves to be the
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Speaker 2: people we want to be, the happier our families are.
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Speaker 1: Absolutely love it. We really hope that this gives you
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Speaker 1: some inspo for the weekend. Hopefully you can, I don't know,
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Speaker 1: go to the farmer's market tomorrow morning and shop and
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Speaker 1: fill your fridge with green, healthy, abundant, life giving food
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Speaker 1: and food is medicine. Food is medicine and spend time
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Speaker 1: with the kids. Slow it down for the weekend, have
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Speaker 1: a wonderful weekend, and thank you so much for choosing
15:21
Speaker 1: to spend your time with us. We're so grateful that
15:23
Speaker 1: you do. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin
15:25
Speaker 1: Rouland from Bridge Media. If you'd like more info and
15:28
Speaker 1: more resources that will make your family happier, you'll find
15:31
Speaker 1: them at Happy families, dot com, dot au,