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130. Is Suppressing Your Divorce Anxiety Ruining Your Manifesting Goals? Probably! · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Hi love, because everything I mean everything has an upside and a downside.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Today we are gonna talk about why manifestation won't work for you.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: In today's episode we are going to talk about how suppression of emotion and the baggage and the whatnot will actually help you for a brief moment in time with manifestation, but only for a brief moment in time.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Then we're going to talk about the healing tools that you're using that could possibly be blocking your deepening manifestations.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: Then we're going to talk about the healing tools that you're using that could possibly be blocking your deepening manifestations.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: Then we're going to identify the most significant, largest huge roadblock to you manifesting and why you've been feeling frustrated and like it hasn't been working, and then the number one negative belief that you hold that's sabotaging your manifestation process.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Let's dig into why manifestation won't work for you.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, it can right, you want it to, but, gosh golly, you wish it was easier or better.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: So, first things first, suppression of your pain will actually help you manifest for a very brief moment in time.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: Why is that?
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Well, because a lot of how manifestation works.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Well, we're vibrational creatures, right.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: Everything in this world is vibrational and manifestation functions based on vibration.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: So if you're low vibe, if your attitude is shit, your focus is shit, the amount of baggage you're hauling around emotionally is shit, and PS emotion is vibrational, right.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: So negative emotions vibrate low, positive emotions vibrate high.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: So everything that's going on in your world right now is a reflection of your vibration and it is all a manifestation.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: It's just not intentional, right.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: You haven't been intentional about manifesting.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: So when we are in a lot of pain and we want to start manifesting, the reality is is we are going to have to work on some pain, transmutation, right, and so until such time that you are able to work through all that, sometimes we just got to say I'm going to shove that shit in a box and I'm going to focus on positive things, only positive things.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to train my mind to only see the positive in a situation, and that temporary reduction in negative thinking and negative focusing by just kind of suppressing it all will actually help you make intentional manifestational progress, right?
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: The issue with that is that it's not a long-term strategy that's sustainable and eventually, right.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: That becomes exhausting because all of that stuff keeps trying to escape the box and it is still vibrating down there.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: Right, that becomes exhausting because all of that stuff keeps trying to escape the box and it is still vibrating down there.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: Right, it is still having its own vibrational influence in your life.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: So I just want to validate for you that manifestation is a process, it's a journey and it does require your awareness around.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: You know what your vibrational emissions are, right and so.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: But first things first.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Right, got to change your focus and it's got to be a positive focus and it's got to definitely be that.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: How is everything working out for me?
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Silver linings, kind of perspective and with kind of an understanding that, okay, I'm going to tackle the stuff that I have emotionally suppressed one thing at a time.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to tackle the stuff that I have emotionally suppressed one thing at a time.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: I don't advocate for long-term suppression.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: It leads to literal disease, physical, mental and emotional, spiritual, you name it right.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Suppressed negative emotion causes disease in every level of our existence.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: But it is a great short-term strategy to use from time to time.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Right, you know that when you're kind of standing in your kid's classroom in the morning, bursting out into tears isn't the best solution, so you suppress it for a moment in time and you circle back around to later in the day to you know when you're sitting in your shower floor crying to work through that whatever.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: That was right.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Sometimes.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: We know that we're going to use suppression as a tool.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: Knowing when and how and not relying solely on it is the key.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: So let's shift into how.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: There are certain healing tools you may or may not be using that could possibly be blocking a deepening of your intentional manifestation.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: So there are a lot of tools you hear me talk about, especially in our Thursday episode, our hidden healing gems.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Right, and I love talking about healing tools.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: I definitely am immersed in that whole piece, right, and I love talking about healing tools.
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I definitely am immersed in that whole piece, right, and it's definitely so much of how I've gotten well, over the years, all the tools that I share.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: So the healing tools I'm talking about are things like essential oils, crystals, self-help books, affirmations, supplements.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: These tools are all tools that I highly recommend as essential components to your healing journey at some point or another.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: But too many people yes, I'm talking to you, probably too many people rely on those tools as the tools.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I would even call this podcast one of those things.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Right, if you are relying on things like podcasts, self-help books, essential oils and crystals it's just a short list, right For your healing journey, you are not going deep enough.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: And by not going deep enough, you're like working really, really hard to keep your mental, emotional sphere in this positive space and you're having to.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: It's like have you ever swam against a current right?
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: It's like that.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: The, the supportive tools, are just that they're supposed to support the deeper work, so that when you go to that deeper work because it's destabilizing, because it's uncomfortable, because it, you know, causes us to feel a bunch of big feelings and have to let them move through the body Essential oils and crystals are supposed to gently support the nervous system, along with supplements just to help buoy us a bit, right?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Podcasts and self-help books are supposed to help unlock awarenesses inside of us so that then we can dig in and do the deep work.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: But all of this is supposed to assist us in doing deeper work.
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: So if you're using those tools and you're relying solely on them, then you're blocking deepening of your manifestations.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: There is a massive roadblock, the biggest roadblock.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: It's maybe tied for the next thing I'm going to talk about, but let's call it.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to put a stake in the ground here.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: The biggest roadblock to your manifestation, your intentional manifestation of this life that you envision post-divorce, is unprocessed, disintegrated emotional baggage.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: It's everything about how he cheated.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: It's all of the stuff that's affecting your attachment style.
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: It is all of the relationship trauma, the early childhood trauma, the co-parenting trauma, the watching your children be in pain trauma.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: It is the just overall, like women have a long standing history of being oppressed in many, many ways.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: It's your nervous system, health stuff.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: It is all of this big closet full of crap that you have not been tackling.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I would even add I can't believe I didn't say this a minute ago but I would even add talk therapy.
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: Talk therapy is a healing tool that is blocking your intentional manifestation because you know, talk therapy isn't digging deep enough to get you to transform the things in this closet right.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: So the biggest roadblock is you are not fully transmuting in your subconscious mind.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: Remember, the mind is like an iceberg.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: There's the conscious mind.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: That's the ice above the water's edge, and then there's the subconscious mind which drives everything.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: That's the part of the iceberg below the water, is the part that sunk the Titanic.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: Right, if you're not digging into the subconscious file system, your subconscious emotional baggage that's driving all of your kind of lived decisions and relationship patterns and self-esteem stuff, then vibrationally you have all this negativity going on in your subconscious mind and you're going to be repeating patterns from that kind of negative subconscious place.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: And so your biggest roadblock to intentional manifestation of a beautiful life is using those superficial tools, not digging deep enough and not transmitting that pain from negative into positive.
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: The only other thing that rivals these manifestation roadblocks, the intentional manifestation roadblocks, is this number one, negative belief.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Well, you've got a lot of negative beliefs love, right, like so many negative beliefs that need to be shifted into positive ones.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: And you can't force it.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: You have to transmute it right.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: You have to get into that subconscious mind, you have to be able to feel into those feelings.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: You have to be able to desensitize and reprocess those feelings and then introduce new positive beliefs and then they'll stick right.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: That's the magic of how EMDR works.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: But there is a negative belief that you have in the subconscious mind that causes you to slow down your intentional manifestation, and that is this doesn't actually work, right?
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: What if this doesn't actually work?
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: What if intentional manifestation't actually work?
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: What if manifestation, intentional manifestation isn't real?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: And that negative belief causes you to have self-doubt and causes you to make excuses for certain bad habits and bad behaviors and for avoiding.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: You know that closet full of stuff and you know, not fully accepting that this stuff works allows you to justify continuing to think negative thoughts about your ex and think negative thoughts about yourself.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: Right, and all of that slows down this intentional manifestation process and so, whatever it takes, right, and this would be like a quick session in EMDR, right, like we would just target doubt that manifestation works, right, and then boop, all of a sudden it's like there's a way more spacious sensation in your body, mind, about manifestation.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: When I hear because I study law of attraction and I subscribe to Abraham Hicks and when I hear her talk about this she talks about, you get kind of jazzed up about a thing, right, and you get really aligned and you get really fired up and then you start to entertain negative thoughts and she likens it to putting a pot of water on the stove to boil, right.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: And so you put that pot on the stove, you turn the flame on I have a gas stove you turn the flame on and it starts to heat up, right.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: And then you start to introduce those negative beliefs in the form of self-doubt and it's like turning the heat off.
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: And then another time you'll like listen to an episode or whatever, right?
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: Or you'll have a really awesome therapy session.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: It'll be like the new year and everybody will be on like vision boards, right, and then you turn the heat on again and then, oh, that negative belief that's rooted in your subconscious right Comes back online and, boop, you turn the heat off again.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: It's like takes a really long time to get to boiling when you keep turning the heat off on your intentional manifestation, and that's so much of what you've been doing based on living into your self-doubt.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: We talked about in a previous episode that the word manifestation simply means a physical representation of something.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: It's the having turned a thought into a thing, right?
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: Even if you think about an airplane manifest, what is a manifest?
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: It's a list of the people, it's the evidence of who flew on that flight, and so intentional manifestation is just the process of turning thoughts into things.
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: You're going to be manifesting, whether or not you're doing it intentionally.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: So the question is what are you manifesting?
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: Are you manifesting positive outcomes in your life or negative outcomes in your life?
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: And the thing that slows most of us down is that we want proof that the thing is going to happen or is possible before we believe in the process, and that's the opposite of how faith works.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Right, faith is belief in a thing that we cannot see, and so if you want to positively manifest, you have to really kind of know deep down that it's coming.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: If you do the footwork, if you're aligned with it right, if you have created alignment, it is coming.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: And you can't wait until it exists to believe that it exists.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: Right, because that is literally blocking, because you can't just dream of something and then say, but that's not available to me or is never going to be available to me, or have this kind of negative attitude about it because it is never going to manifest.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: Not because it can't, but because how you think and how you feel about it from a place of scarcity is going to be what manifests.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: And so, love, it's all about leaning in right and just being willing to say the only way out is through, and so I'm going to go all the way to the heart of these issues and I'm just going to do it, and it's probably going to be uncomfortable and it might even be expensive, or it might just require me to stop making excuses, which is really really hard, and it might mean I need some really specialty care, right, because we all have kind of nuances to our life story and our experience.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: That kind of makes it hard for us to stand up and get to the starting line, right, and I respect that.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: But more often than not, the reason that we're not making progress is because of that number one negative belief that we're doubting that the results are true and real, that the process is true and real, and self-doubt and negative belief about what's possible for you or with this process is sabotaging you.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: That said, I hope you feel super inspired right now.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I hope you've got your pot of water on the stove and you have turned that flame on.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: Now I need you to just go get busy living your life and let the pot come to a boil, right?
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Don't stand there and watch the pot and be like ugh, this is taking forever because that's slowing it down, right, so if you feel super inspired, awesome, go do something fun right now.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: Milk that good feeling, milk that inspiration.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: Law of Attraction states that when you milk a positive thought for 60 something seconds, right, then you can change your vibrational state, right.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: So every like six, seven, eight seconds, something like that, one positive thought will call to another positive thought and once you've crossed kind of the threshold of a minute you have created, you have tipped up on the vibrational scale you have created like a vibrational shift.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: So the longer you can kind of milk a moment of inspiration or positivity or joy or like I can do it-ness, you are creating a state change that could create just such a positive cascade in your life.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: We're going to dig into our segment called Getting Unstuck, where you, our listener, our favorite listener you are my favorite listener gets to send me a DM or an email I love DMs and tell me what you're struggling with and I will anonymously unpack it here and now.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: So this week Tara writes in and she says I was at my parents' house this weekend and noticed they replaced my quote, unquote family photo with a picture of just me with the kids.
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: It caught me off guard and I think what I'm feeling most is grief grief for the family unit I thought I'd have and, while it's best, it's not what I expected.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: It feels a little off because there I am, on the wall as a single mom between my two siblings, with their family pictures, plus, you know, our parents.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Are you the only one divorced in your family?
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness, this is just such a beautiful example of divorce grief and how it catches us off guard in these moments.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Right, you couldn't have kind of planned for that moment where you're just walking down the hall and then, like boop, here's a reminder of how I would have experienced that as failure at the time.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Right, I would have totally experienced that moment as like here are my siblings who are married with their families and they're succeeding, and here's me, single and feeling like a failure.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: You may have interpreted that completely differently, but that's just how it would have hit me, and so I think, when you say that you're mostly feeling grief, that's brilliant.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: That's what I would have recommended to anyone, right?
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: Is that that's really just a moment like that, right, where we internalize it as, like I said, failure, or we see it through a lens of judgment.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Right, that I feel judged, I feel different, I feel like I'm not on the right path.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: We start with the shoulds and we start with wanting to avoid the sensation of judgment from ourselves, from others.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Right, it's like the perception that clicks in is one that is not a healing perception.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: It's a thing that causes healing to get stuck.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Perception because the reality is, is exactly where you are, is exactly where you're meant to be, and I know that's just such like a kitschy therapist thing to say, but it's true Anytime.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: We're not having radical acceptance about a moment, we are creating stuckness in our healing journey and so just really being able to sit with all of that and notice if you feel judged, if you're judging yourself or if it's just grief I would highly recommend sticking as much as possible to grief.
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: And if you are feeling judged or you're judging yourself, that that's where we got to kind of lean into those spaces deeper and look at where you're resisting owning this path that you're on.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Because when we own the path and we say like I'm going to rock this path and I'm going to come to understand how this path is the path to me being this most empowered version of myself, the most powerful version of myself.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: That is a gift to this planet, to my children, to my parents, to myself, to my peers, to my friends, to my community right that there's not something wrong with you because you're on this path, that this path is the rightest version of you that there is.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: And it's not because you're divorced.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that people who aren't divorced aren't right.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: It's because it's your path, it's because this is where you are, it's because that's reality and because there's nothing unfolding for us that God doesn't make into fertilizer to bloom the most amazing plants and flowers and fruit ever right.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: So this is your path, which means it's your story on the way to your greatness.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: And owning that and claiming that and loving that well is again what gets that pot to boiling right.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: And so when you're in that hallway and you see him missing, like yes, I want you to grieve it, but also, if there's judgment, I want you to transmute that because your path is perfect and you're not less than for it, you're better than for it.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: But it all boils down to how you perceive it, because how we perceive the world is what vibrations emanate from our perception and then dictates whether or not your manifestations are intentionally positive or accidentally negative.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you wrote in.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much.
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you for tackling all this Peace.
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: Dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by my coach, dawn.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: You can find more at mycoachdawncom.