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PT 2. HEAD NOISE: Overcoming Winter Blues, Maintaining Independence & perfectionism. PT 2 · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, are welcome to part two of today's
0:13
Speaker 1: head nice episode. This is the email head Noise, So
0:17
Speaker 1: I'm going to go through probably three. We'll see how
0:20
Speaker 1: we go of your beautiful emails that you sent through.
0:24
Speaker 1: We've picked up a nice selection of kind of different
0:27
Speaker 1: topics and stuff. If you haven't already listened to part one,
0:31
Speaker 1: which is released at the same time, go check that
0:34
Speaker 1: one out as well. That's the voicemail one. So without
0:37
Speaker 1: further ado, let's get straight into it. This one is
0:41
Speaker 1: titled also I Love a good creative title just really
0:44
Speaker 1: gets my juices flowing. That's disgusting. It sounds like I'm
0:48
Speaker 1: talking anyway. It's called winter Blues. So Hi, lexis first
0:53
Speaker 1: time writer, longtime listener. Do you have any tricks for
0:56
Speaker 1: combating winter blues. I know you're going into summer. I
1:00
Speaker 1: know you're going into your summer season, but here in
1:02
Speaker 1: northern United States winter is arriving quickly. This includes sunrises
1:06
Speaker 1: after seven am and sunsets before four thirty pm, temperatures
1:10
Speaker 1: before and after work ranging from zero to four degrees
1:13
Speaker 1: celsius thirty to forty degrees fahrenheit. And this will only
1:16
Speaker 1: get worse if you are like me and leave for
1:18
Speaker 1: work around seven thirty and come back around six point thirty.
1:21
Speaker 1: The lack of sun and increasingly cold temps just zaps
1:24
Speaker 1: any motivation. I know, lack of motivation is not an
1:27
Speaker 1: excuse to stop exercising, eat like crap and col up
1:30
Speaker 1: all night. How do I fix it? When I feel
1:32
Speaker 1: my morning slash evening routine that has worked for the
1:35
Speaker 1: last six months suddenly feels impossible. Sunlight exposure slash morning
1:39
Speaker 1: walks are sometimes literally impossible. Before work, all I want
1:42
Speaker 1: to do is eat fatty slash sugar foods and I'm
1:45
Speaker 1: so sleepy. It's only November and this will likely keep
1:48
Speaker 1: getting worse until March. Help. Thank you for listening. Seasonal Sadness, Sally,
1:55
Speaker 1: I just love I love this so much. Okay, great question.
1:59
Speaker 1: There's a few things that you can actually do. So firstly,
2:03
Speaker 1: what happens and I'm not saying that you definitely have this,
2:05
Speaker 1: but there's kind of seasonal effective depression which can happen
2:12
Speaker 1: to some people where they're just based on the season
2:14
Speaker 1: and based on the light, they get sadder. And this
2:17
Speaker 1: is more because of the light than it is the temperature.
2:20
Speaker 1: It comes. You know, often in countries where you get
2:22
Speaker 1: these really dark winters, you see a rise in mood
2:27
Speaker 1: disorders or depression or feeling like temporary sadness during that season,
2:31
Speaker 1: which then completely goes away in summer where there's a
2:34
Speaker 1: lot of light. There is a huge link between sunlight
2:39
Speaker 1: and mental health, and also you know things like adhd
2:44
Speaker 1: add So we're already understanding that the way you're feeling
2:48
Speaker 1: is very heavily impacted by the season and the amount
2:51
Speaker 1: of light that you're getting. So that's kind of an explanation.
2:54
Speaker 1: Other than the cold, it's also the light obviously that
2:57
Speaker 1: is affecting how you're feeling. Now, another thing that's really
3:01
Speaker 1: important to note is like paying because you said that
3:03
Speaker 1: you just want to eat fatty sugary foods. Another thing
3:06
Speaker 1: that might be going on here as well with the
3:08
Speaker 1: craving of the sugary fatty foods is when the light
3:11
Speaker 1: sauces aren't great, it can actually stuff around your Cicadian
3:16
Speaker 1: rhythm a little bit in the winter months. So that
3:18
Speaker 1: means that's your internal body clock, and if your Cicadian
3:21
Speaker 1: rhythm isn't kind of running like clockwork, it can actually
3:25
Speaker 1: affect how much grellin is released at different times of
3:28
Speaker 1: the day and not just before meal time. So Grellen
3:31
Speaker 1: is your hunger hormone, which gets released normally when your
3:34
Speaker 1: stomach is you know, nearing empty or empty, or also
3:38
Speaker 1: when you're like coming to your normal meal times where
3:41
Speaker 1: you're expecting that you're going to eat, you're getting hungry.
3:44
Speaker 1: Are you know that you always have breakfast, lunch, dinner,
3:46
Speaker 1: for example, and so Grellen levels go up, you feel hungry,
3:49
Speaker 1: and then of course you eat. So when your cicadian
3:53
Speaker 1: rhythm is a little bit like fucked, then grellin is higher.
3:57
Speaker 1: So people that have really poor sleep or broken sleep
4:01
Speaker 1: are more likely to be hungrier. They're consuming higher amounts
4:06
Speaker 1: of energy or calories, and they're feeling hungrier more often
4:11
Speaker 1: than someone who's got really sound sleep. Okay, so this
4:16
Speaker 1: could also be an explanation as to the foods that
4:19
Speaker 1: you're craving. The fact that you're exercising less also affects
4:22
Speaker 1: your circadian rhythms. So there's a lot going on for
4:25
Speaker 1: you to be feeling the way you're feeling. So how
4:27
Speaker 1: do we change it? Now? I understand that you literally
4:30
Speaker 1: cannot be exercising early in the sun because the sun
4:34
Speaker 1: is not right getting like coming up until later, and
4:36
Speaker 1: by that point you're probably having to get ready and
4:37
Speaker 1: going into work. So you've got to think, when can
4:42
Speaker 1: I actually get some sun. Obviously it's ideal in the morning,
4:44
Speaker 1: but if you're in an office or at work, you can't.
4:47
Speaker 1: Irrespective of that, it's still very healthy and very important
4:50
Speaker 1: that maybe at midday, whenever you have your lunch break,
4:53
Speaker 1: you are outdoors in the sun, even if it's a
4:55
Speaker 1: cold day. You just want to be getting out and
4:57
Speaker 1: being exposed to natural sun like during the day as
5:00
Speaker 1: much as possible. So you take any pocket you can get,
5:03
Speaker 1: and you still expose yourself to light. Because while it's
5:05
Speaker 1: super important in the morning, it's still beneficial for you
5:09
Speaker 1: to be getting that light during the day. Later on
5:12
Speaker 1: in the day, that's still going to be helpful for
5:13
Speaker 1: your brain. The sun is the biggest source of blue
5:16
Speaker 1: line and that's what we need during the day. Okay,
5:18
Speaker 1: I know there's this whole thing about blue light blockers
5:20
Speaker 1: and all of that, but blue light blockers are only
5:22
Speaker 1: necessary when you're coming into nighttime when you're trying to
5:25
Speaker 1: fall asleep. You don't want to be blocking blue light
5:27
Speaker 1: the whole day. That is absolutely pointless and not how
5:30
Speaker 1: our brains are designed to perform anyway, which obviously we're
5:33
Speaker 1: not even talking about that because you don't need blue
5:35
Speaker 1: light blockers at nighttime for you because it's dark already.
5:39
Speaker 1: So this is what I would suggest so personally for me,
5:42
Speaker 1: and I also am aware that Sydney is a relatively
5:46
Speaker 1: like easy city when we're talking about temperature and sunlight
5:49
Speaker 1: and all of that. But even in winter without daylight saving,
5:52
Speaker 1: Sydney's sunsets around like five point thirty five point fifteen,
5:56
Speaker 1: which I absolutely hate, and the sun doesn't rise that
5:59
Speaker 1: early eat, so it's like you're getting up in the
6:02
Speaker 1: dark to exercise. You're doing all these things. Now, what
6:05
Speaker 1: I found really works is I decided, especially this year,
6:11
Speaker 1: to change up my exercise routine based on the season,
6:15
Speaker 1: so that way I am way more inclined to go
6:18
Speaker 1: and exercise because of this. All right, So what I
6:22
Speaker 1: did over winter, and I've now canceled that membership and
6:24
Speaker 1: I'm going to resurrect this membership when it starts getting
6:27
Speaker 1: cold again, is that I signed up for a hot
6:30
Speaker 1: yoga studio. I was going to the gym significantly less.
6:34
Speaker 1: I was still going, but one thing that I really
6:38
Speaker 1: wanted to do because it's cold, was to go to
6:41
Speaker 1: this nice, hot yoga studio in the evenings. It was
6:45
Speaker 1: a great workout. It was, you know, a hot room,
6:49
Speaker 1: you're feeling really good. I loved the atmosphere of going
6:52
Speaker 1: into that studio. It was just cozy, the smell, the scent,
6:55
Speaker 1: the inside, I just everything about it was so pleasant
6:58
Speaker 1: that I would then look forward to doing this like
7:01
Speaker 1: three you know, or more afternoons a week. And then
7:05
Speaker 1: as it started getting warmer, I'm like, I want to
7:07
Speaker 1: be outside. I want to be going for runs, I
7:09
Speaker 1: want to be doing this, I want to be doing that.
7:11
Speaker 1: So then I thought, well, I'm really just not using
7:13
Speaker 1: this anymore. I want to be outside. The sun's not
7:15
Speaker 1: setting till eight thirty pm now, so I obviously changed
7:19
Speaker 1: it up. I'm so and I found that quite conflicting
7:23
Speaker 1: at the start, because I love like routine and getting
7:25
Speaker 1: into a routine, and you know, longevity in something, but
7:29
Speaker 1: you don't necessarily need longevity in every specific thing you do.
7:32
Speaker 1: You just want longevity in I want to be able
7:34
Speaker 1: to move my body regularly. I can change it up
7:36
Speaker 1: as much as I want, So try and find things
7:39
Speaker 1: that for you are going to be like, Okay, this
7:42
Speaker 1: is something that I can really warm to. This is
7:44
Speaker 1: something that I'm actually going to enjoy to an extent.
7:47
Speaker 1: Going to you know, hot yoga, you feel really good,
7:50
Speaker 1: it's warm. It doesn't matter that it's you know, dark outside,
7:54
Speaker 1: because I'm going to something that makes, you know, it
7:56
Speaker 1: feels really nice. It's good. I get an exercise, I
7:58
Speaker 1: wind down, and then I have a real solid sleep.
8:01
Speaker 1: Another thing that you could be doing early in the
8:02
Speaker 1: mornings if you don't want to be getting outside and
8:04
Speaker 1: it sounds like it's really fucking cold there as well
8:06
Speaker 1: is maybe come like pick a really good online workout
8:11
Speaker 1: thing that you wake up and you straight away do
8:13
Speaker 1: like a thirty minute pilates class on the mat. You
8:16
Speaker 1: don't have to leave the house, but you've got that
8:18
Speaker 1: mat on the on the ground you're doing your workout.
8:21
Speaker 1: You can have one of those like sunrise lamps that
8:23
Speaker 1: you can get where it lights up the room as
8:25
Speaker 1: if the sun is coming up, so it helps you
8:28
Speaker 1: wake up like gradually as if the sun was rising,
8:32
Speaker 1: so you can start to use all these tools so
8:34
Speaker 1: you're waking up earlier, you're really lighting up the room properly.
8:37
Speaker 1: You're doing maybe thirty minutes, twenty minutes, whatever it is.
8:40
Speaker 1: If polarate is in the morning, you can stay indoorsing,
8:42
Speaker 1: you're not freezing your ass off, so that like that's
8:44
Speaker 1: you're cutting out a barrier to entry to exercise, and
8:47
Speaker 1: then you're you're just finding all these little hacks you're
8:49
Speaker 1: getting in the sunlight during the day. You're making sure
8:52
Speaker 1: that you know, at nighttime, you're not so heavily on
8:55
Speaker 1: your devices, so you're getting a solid sleep, so you're
8:57
Speaker 1: less likely to crave such sugary, fatty foods because that
9:00
Speaker 1: craving often comes down to more so your Cicadian rhythm
9:03
Speaker 1: than it does the cold because once you get into
9:05
Speaker 1: a good rhythm of still exercising, still like working with
9:09
Speaker 1: what you've got in those colder months, you're still not
9:11
Speaker 1: going to crave that sugar food as much as you
9:14
Speaker 1: think you would. Okay, of course, make sure that you
9:16
Speaker 1: are eating like substantial calories in foods that are going
9:22
Speaker 1: to fuel your body for longer. Of course, so like
9:23
Speaker 1: a good mix of like fats, protein cups that we're
9:26
Speaker 1: hitting all your macros and all of that. I'm no nutritionist,
9:28
Speaker 1: but obviously a balanced mix is the most important thing
9:33
Speaker 1: that you can do. So I think, basically, in a nutshell,
9:36
Speaker 1: look for things like work with what you've got, is
9:38
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. Look for things that work in the
9:41
Speaker 1: winter months, that will not work in the summer months,
9:44
Speaker 1: or that you're not going to be inclined to do
9:45
Speaker 1: in the summer months. Change it up, have a seasonal change,
9:48
Speaker 1: and then it's something that you can look forward to
9:50
Speaker 1: in the future. I'm already looking forward to returning to yoga,
9:54
Speaker 1: even though I know right now it's just not what
9:55
Speaker 1: I want to do because when it's sunny outside, I
9:57
Speaker 1: want to be outside. I want to be going for
9:59
Speaker 1: long fucking I want to be running. So you play
10:02
Speaker 1: play around with it and have your seasonal kind of changes,
10:06
Speaker 1: and then it kind of I love breaking up the
10:08
Speaker 1: year a little bit more so, having like my winter vibe,
10:11
Speaker 1: my summer vibe, you know, the spring, autumn vibe. I
10:16
Speaker 1: really enjoy that, and it kind of, like, I don't know,
10:19
Speaker 1: you kind of then start to look forward to these
10:21
Speaker 1: seasons a bit more instead of dreading winter and only
10:24
Speaker 1: liking summer because you've got like a few months of this.
10:27
Speaker 1: I don't know how long the winter goes for you.
10:28
Speaker 1: But if you if we're talking about March, you've got
10:30
Speaker 1: this is another like this is four months to go,
10:32
Speaker 1: So you're experiencing this for four or five months. That's
10:35
Speaker 1: a significant portion of the year. You've got to change
10:38
Speaker 1: it up and bring in different things that are going
10:41
Speaker 1: to make you look at this season as like, all right,
10:43
Speaker 1: this is my coziest season. I'm more of a homebody,
10:45
Speaker 1: but I'm still doing all these things that are really
10:47
Speaker 1: good for me. That's yeah, that is my advice. Hopefully
10:51
Speaker 1: that helped, and yeah, give it a go, try all
10:54
Speaker 1: of that and then right back to me, please and
10:56
Speaker 1: let me know if that helped at all. Since since
11:21
Speaker 1: all right, next question, Hi Lexis and team Hope you're
11:26
Speaker 1: doing well. I've been listening to you since day one.
11:29
Speaker 1: That's amazing and like most people, you have an incredible impact.
11:32
Speaker 1: You've had an incredible impact on my personal growth. I'm
11:35
Speaker 1: truly so grateful. Thank you. I've recently met someone who
11:38
Speaker 1: I'm quite sure is my person. Love this. Everything is wonderful.
11:42
Speaker 1: They are wonderful, all green flags. I've been single for
11:45
Speaker 1: a few years, love it and very independent, and I
11:49
Speaker 1: have built a fantastic life I'm also ready for a
11:52
Speaker 1: best friend and have a lot of love to give.
11:54
Speaker 1: We're going slowly. The comms are top notch, and we
11:57
Speaker 1: know we will build the relationship in a way that suits.
12:00
Speaker 1: They are an absolute dream. However, I feel I can
12:04
Speaker 1: feel some fears surfacing around moving from a richly independent
12:08
Speaker 1: life into a committed relationship. In the mix, of course,
12:11
Speaker 1: is personal is past relationship baggage. I've searched all of
12:15
Speaker 1: your episodes and couldn't see any and couldn't see anything
12:18
Speaker 1: that quite fit the bill, so I thought I would email.
12:20
Speaker 1: I'm sure you can relate, so I'd love to hear
12:22
Speaker 1: your advice around navigating this questions to ask myself things
12:26
Speaker 1: to consider and how to stay true to myself as
12:28
Speaker 1: we grow together. I'm doing all of my self care
12:31
Speaker 1: and reflection to find my truth and to listen to
12:33
Speaker 1: what my body is telling me. But part of my
12:35
Speaker 1: self care is listening to you. Thank you for reading
12:38
Speaker 1: You're the fucking best. Thank you so much for sending
12:41
Speaker 1: that in. And I absolutely can relate. And I don't
12:43
Speaker 1: know if I did an episode on this, but I
12:45
Speaker 1: definitely did a TikTok on this, and it was five
12:48
Speaker 1: questions to ask your partner before moving in together. But
12:52
Speaker 1: I think it's also something that you can ask your
12:54
Speaker 1: partner even before you move in together. And one of
12:57
Speaker 1: these questions is what does our own independence look like?
13:02
Speaker 1: And I think that that should be spoken about with
13:04
Speaker 1: your partner. Obviously, this is going to be a very
13:06
Speaker 1: easy conversation to have because your partner is just a
13:08
Speaker 1: walking green flag, which we absolutely love. But it's the
13:12
Speaker 1: importance of speaking about it because your partner might have
13:16
Speaker 1: a very good idea of your level of independence and
13:19
Speaker 1: how independent you are, but until you talk about how
13:22
Speaker 1: much you value certain aspects of your independence, they're not
13:25
Speaker 1: going to be able to really, like, have this conversation
13:28
Speaker 1: with you and really get to the like the heart
13:31
Speaker 1: of why it makes you feel the way you feel,
13:33
Speaker 1: and the importance of it, and how they feel and
13:35
Speaker 1: how they respond and all of that. So, for example,
13:38
Speaker 1: I think that before the well as the relationship is progressing,
13:41
Speaker 1: but the sooner rather than later, you want to be
13:44
Speaker 1: talking about why independence is so important to you, and eventually,
13:48
Speaker 1: when you do start getting closer and closer in the relationship,
13:52
Speaker 1: what you want your independence to look like. Okay, because
13:57
Speaker 1: every single couple writes their own rules. As long as
14:00
Speaker 1: the two people are in agreeance with what those rules are,
14:03
Speaker 1: that is the only thing that matters. So one couple's
14:06
Speaker 1: level of independence within the relationship is going to look
14:09
Speaker 1: very different to someone else's. You don't have to look
14:11
Speaker 1: at other examples of relationships and think, oh my god,
14:14
Speaker 1: but these people do everything together, or they don't travel
14:17
Speaker 1: alone anymore, or this or that, Like I'm the same
14:19
Speaker 1: as you were. Entering a relationship for me was very
14:24
Speaker 1: very much like I'm excited to enter the relationship, but
14:28
Speaker 1: I'm also kind of mourning this kind of single life.
14:33
Speaker 1: Not because I wanted to fuck around and date a
14:36
Speaker 1: thousand people, because I actually didn't do that much at all,
14:39
Speaker 1: but instead because I loved this idea of like, I
14:42
Speaker 1: just own every single thing that I do. I can
14:44
Speaker 1: go wherever I want, whenever I want. I can, It's
14:47
Speaker 1: all up to me. But then entering a relationship with
14:50
Speaker 1: my partner, who's so easy to communicate with and who
14:53
Speaker 1: understands me very very well, and luckily who is also
14:57
Speaker 1: quite independent, but I would I would talk to him
15:00
Speaker 1: about how much case so for me personally it's traveling,
15:03
Speaker 1: and how much I enjoyed still traveling alone and how
15:06
Speaker 1: much I really wanted to share travel experiences with him,
15:08
Speaker 1: but I didn't want the relationship to be something that
15:10
Speaker 1: meant that I could never travel alone again. So because
15:13
Speaker 1: I was always open about talking about I love this
15:15
Speaker 1: idea of just exploring something alone. I love my own company.
15:18
Speaker 1: I love this. You know, when he goes away for business,
15:20
Speaker 1: I don't miss him until the second or third day
15:22
Speaker 1: because I love like my nights alone and it's nothing
15:24
Speaker 1: against my partner, it's just I really love my alone time.
15:28
Speaker 1: And then I can discover that he also enjoys his
15:31
Speaker 1: alone time as well, and he also likes and we
15:33
Speaker 1: can talk about it, and like I went to Europe
15:35
Speaker 1: for a month and three of those weeks I was
15:37
Speaker 1: alone this year, and then I did trips with Tyrone,
15:40
Speaker 1: and it was really beautiful. Because if I hadn't spoken
15:44
Speaker 1: to him about how important that was for me, I
15:47
Speaker 1: would then get to a point where maybe I was
15:50
Speaker 1: fearful that he wouldn't understand, and then I would hold
15:53
Speaker 1: it back and then not know how to approach wanting
15:55
Speaker 1: to travel by myself, and then being like how do
15:57
Speaker 1: I approach it, and then thinking that he's going to
15:59
Speaker 1: resent me and then probably not doing it and then thinking,
16:01
Speaker 1: oh my god, my life's change. I've lost my independence. Okay,
16:04
Speaker 1: so it all, as always, it all comes down to communication.
16:07
Speaker 1: How am I communicating with my partner? How can I
16:10
Speaker 1: make sure that I'm putting so much effort into our
16:13
Speaker 1: quality time together but putting a lot of emphasis on
16:16
Speaker 1: the fact that I'm not here for quantity time. I mean,
16:20
Speaker 1: you might be, but it's the quality time. And I
16:23
Speaker 1: really value alone time. I really value my independence. I
16:26
Speaker 1: love that you have your own hobbies and I have
16:28
Speaker 1: my own, and we don't have to do it together.
16:29
Speaker 1: We can do certain things together and other things apart.
16:32
Speaker 1: I love that I can run my own show, and
16:35
Speaker 1: your partner, being the green flag that they are, I
16:37
Speaker 1: would imagine, will fully come to the table with that
16:40
Speaker 1: and really understand. It all comes down with transparency. Because
16:43
Speaker 1: if you're someone that pretends that, oh, I want to
16:45
Speaker 1: spend every living, waking moment of you because I think
16:47
Speaker 1: that that's what you want, and then are trying to
16:49
Speaker 1: like find escapegoat every time, then your partner's like, are
16:51
Speaker 1: you avoiding me? Instead of being like, it's got nothing
16:53
Speaker 1: to do with avoidance, It's got to with that. I
16:55
Speaker 1: just value this, and I also value you. Just don't
16:58
Speaker 1: ever lie to your partner, be straight up with how
16:59
Speaker 1: you feel, and if you're really honest about it, for
17:03
Speaker 1: the most part, they're not going to take offense. For
17:06
Speaker 1: the most part. If someone's quite insecure in a relationship,
17:08
Speaker 1: they might look at it as you don't want to,
17:10
Speaker 1: you know, if they're quite attached. But in general, if
17:12
Speaker 1: you can communicate that really in a healthy way, especially
17:16
Speaker 1: by the looks of it, with your partner, they're not
17:18
Speaker 1: going to take offense. You've got to be like, my
17:20
Speaker 1: life is my life. I'm here on this earth one
17:22
Speaker 1: fucking time as far as we're aware, So I need
17:26
Speaker 1: to live by my rules as much as by our
17:28
Speaker 1: relationships rules, and I need to share what my non
17:31
Speaker 1: negotiables are. And for that it's I love being independent,
17:34
Speaker 1: not hyper independent. Listen to my episode on hyper independence
17:37
Speaker 1: and make sure you're not doing that but independent, okay,
17:40
Speaker 1: And I think your partner will definitely come to the
17:42
Speaker 1: table and probably be able to share how they feel
17:44
Speaker 1: as well and what matters to them, and then you
17:46
Speaker 1: can accommodate that for them as well. All right, thank
17:48
Speaker 1: you so much for writing in great fucking question. Okay,
17:51
Speaker 1: last question, and this is about perfection. Hello. I have
17:55
Speaker 1: to start off by saying how your podcast has helped
17:58
Speaker 1: me in so many ways. Thank you for being you
18:01
Speaker 1: and in that you have helped so many Thank you
18:03
Speaker 1: so much. Here is my question for you. I have
18:06
Speaker 1: struggled my whole life with being a perfectionist. I know
18:09
Speaker 1: it's not ideal to be perfect, and I'll be the
18:12
Speaker 1: first to tell you. Here is my question for you.
18:18
Speaker 1: I've struggled my whole life with being a perfectionist. I
18:21
Speaker 1: know it's not ideal to be perfect, and I'll be
18:23
Speaker 1: the first to tell others that we're all human and
18:25
Speaker 1: not perfect. But why do I still struggle with this
18:28
Speaker 1: and feel like I'm let down with every mistake small
18:31
Speaker 1: and big that I make. I just can't get out
18:34
Speaker 1: of my head and feel free from this. Thank you
18:36
Speaker 1: for your advice, help and time. Okay, this is a
18:39
Speaker 1: really good question. All of them are great questions. I
18:41
Speaker 1: say that all the time, but it really is. So
18:43
Speaker 1: Perfectionism comes down to fear, obviously, because you fear that
18:50
Speaker 1: something will go wrong, or you will not be accepted,
18:54
Speaker 1: or you won't accept yourself, or you won't be able
18:56
Speaker 1: to deal with it or you won't be good enough.
18:59
Speaker 1: It's this idea of this lack and fear of not
19:01
Speaker 1: enough or not good enough unless it is perfect. And
19:05
Speaker 1: this comes from your idea of yourself. Okay, So if
19:11
Speaker 1: you see yourself as quote unquote flawed or not good enough,
19:16
Speaker 1: then you fear failure so much more because you look
19:20
Speaker 1: at your achievements and what you do as a reflection
19:22
Speaker 1: of you as an individual and who you are. Okay,
19:25
Speaker 1: you see as like winning and achieving and doing something
19:29
Speaker 1: perfect and doing something correctly, and so because of that,
19:32
Speaker 1: you are less likely to take risks unless you know
19:35
Speaker 1: it can be perfect. You're less likely to put work
19:38
Speaker 1: out there that's not fully polished because you will think,
19:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to be judged, it's not going to be
19:43
Speaker 1: good enough, it won't be accepted. I'm just going to cringe.
19:45
Speaker 1: I can't fathom that not being perfect. So you're not
19:48
Speaker 1: going to be putting that stuff out there. You're probably
19:50
Speaker 1: someone that likely has a lot of ideas for your future,
19:54
Speaker 1: for what you can do with your life, for maybe
19:56
Speaker 1: a business or multiple businesses, but you have this failure
19:59
Speaker 1: to launch because you are scared of it not being
20:02
Speaker 1: perfect and ironically, for most things in life, practice makes perfect,
20:07
Speaker 1: and because you're not willing to put yourself out there
20:08
Speaker 1: before it's perfect, you never give yourself the opportunity to practice.
20:12
Speaker 1: So then it's this self fulfilling prophecy. And then it
20:15
Speaker 1: gets harder and harder and harder, and you're kind of
20:18
Speaker 1: paralyzing yourself. It's this like paralysis via analysis or whatever
20:22
Speaker 1: it's called, because you're overthinking so much, being like it
20:25
Speaker 1: does better, and then the less you do it, the
20:27
Speaker 1: harder it gets. So now you're in this position where
20:29
Speaker 1: you're rarely doing anything unless you know it can be perfect.
20:32
Speaker 1: You're identifying with this idea of like, well, everything I
20:35
Speaker 1: have put out has been right perfect or otherwise I
20:37
Speaker 1: won't put it out, I won't do it. And so
20:39
Speaker 1: now it's really affecting your relationship with yourself because you're
20:44
Speaker 1: identifying that you identify with the output of your work. Okay,
20:49
Speaker 1: you're not able to detach yourself from that and being like,
20:52
Speaker 1: like you said, we're all human, no one's perfect, but
20:55
Speaker 1: for you, deep down you can see perfections in other
20:57
Speaker 1: people and fully accepted and not judge them at all
21:00
Speaker 1: and think, yeah, good on you for putting that stuff
21:01
Speaker 1: out there. Good on you for trying, Good on you
21:03
Speaker 1: for practicing until but you can't do that for yourself
21:06
Speaker 1: because you're a lot harder on yourself than you are
21:08
Speaker 1: on other people. You're the one that lives with yourself.
21:10
Speaker 1: You don't have to be in other people's heads all
21:12
Speaker 1: the time, so it's a lot easier. You're a lot
21:14
Speaker 1: more forgiving with other people, You're not very forgiving with yourself.
21:17
Speaker 1: So instead you need to start looking at ways. And
21:19
Speaker 1: this is something that I think I've mentioned a little
21:21
Speaker 1: bit around this, around someone who was really a perfectionist
21:25
Speaker 1: in their work, specifically their work environment. I think this
21:27
Speaker 1: is one or two weeks ago, but it's this idea
21:30
Speaker 1: of how can I shift where I place my self
21:33
Speaker 1: value on? Okay? How can I look at times of
21:36
Speaker 1: where you know, and this is like really good with
21:39
Speaker 1: journaling as well. How can I look at times where
21:41
Speaker 1: maybe I haven't done well in something and I've actually
21:43
Speaker 1: been okay, i haven't crumbled, I've learned things from it,
21:45
Speaker 1: I've come out the other end often better off. How
21:48
Speaker 1: can I look at examples of other people where they're
21:50
Speaker 1: putting out far from perfect content, I e. Me putting
21:54
Speaker 1: up my podcasts, some episodes are better than others. I
21:56
Speaker 1: look at some episodes that I put out and I'm like, oh,
21:58
Speaker 1: it's just not it's not as like my energy wasn't
22:02
Speaker 1: as high as it could have been as it was
22:03
Speaker 1: last week. But if I was to be that critical
22:06
Speaker 1: for every episode, then you'd be getting probably thirty percent
22:11
Speaker 1: of the episodes that I'm putting out because I'd be
22:13
Speaker 1: second guessing. And then sometimes I put out an episode
22:15
Speaker 1: that I'm critical off, but someone writes to me saying,
22:18
Speaker 1: you gave him the answer that I needed and that
22:20
Speaker 1: was so important that so sometimes what I will criticize
22:23
Speaker 1: someone else won't see. You know, so a lot of fair,
22:26
Speaker 1: And don't just use me as an example. Many people
22:29
Speaker 1: that you look up to it, that you you know appreciate,
22:33
Speaker 1: are putting out content that is not perfect. They're striving
22:36
Speaker 1: to be good, they're putting in effort, they're working hard.
22:38
Speaker 1: It's not like they don't give a fark, but they
22:40
Speaker 1: know it's not perfect, and they're still willing to be like,
22:43
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm just gonna put it out there
22:44
Speaker 1: because there's still value to it. How do you switch
22:48
Speaker 1: your focus to being like instead of perfection? How am
22:51
Speaker 1: I giving value? Okay? And if your focus was how
22:55
Speaker 1: do I offer value? It doesn't matter if it's perfect
22:57
Speaker 1: or not, does it? Like if someone was to help you,
23:00
Speaker 1: you don't care exactly if they helped you perfectly or not.
23:03
Speaker 1: They've helped you, right, They've been of value to you.
23:06
Speaker 1: If someone was to offer you advice, but you only
23:09
Speaker 1: took fifty percent of that advice, that's still good advice
23:12
Speaker 1: even though fifty percent is not usable to you. You know,
23:15
Speaker 1: there's so many things in life. You've got to look
23:17
Speaker 1: at it as like, what's my actual hit rate to
23:20
Speaker 1: move forward in life? And if you're hitting like a
23:22
Speaker 1: fifty percent hit rate, then you're advancing so much more
23:25
Speaker 1: than someone who's sitting there waiting for something to be perfect.
23:27
Speaker 1: So you've got to say, how do I now shift
23:30
Speaker 1: my value to what value I can provide for other
23:34
Speaker 1: people instead of the perfect like the perfect product or
23:39
Speaker 1: the perfect output or the perfect performance. You know. So
23:43
Speaker 1: I feel like, start to shift your focus now into
23:47
Speaker 1: how can I be of value to that thing, to
23:50
Speaker 1: that person, to this corporation, to myself, to the people
23:54
Speaker 1: that I love. What can I be offering that might
23:56
Speaker 1: be you know, helpful or entertaining or whatever, and how
24:00
Speaker 1: is it of value? Don't look at the outcome of
24:03
Speaker 1: is it perfect? Is it as good as this person?
24:05
Speaker 1: Is it as good as that? Because if you look
24:07
Speaker 1: at if you want to start a business, there's no
24:10
Speaker 1: way in hell it can be as good as people
24:13
Speaker 1: that have gone through the ring up, failed, succeeded, failed,
24:16
Speaker 1: learned from the mistakes, failed, made more money, got better resources,
24:19
Speaker 1: made more money, got better resources. It's impossible that you
24:22
Speaker 1: starting out would be as good as that. So then
24:24
Speaker 1: you're going to be like, well, if that's the marker
24:25
Speaker 1: of perfect and I'm here, I'm not going to fucking start.
24:29
Speaker 1: The same goes for your relationship with yourself. A lot
24:31
Speaker 1: of people are so hard on themselves when they're going
24:34
Speaker 1: through this like self development journey, and the moment they
24:37
Speaker 1: feel a little bit, you know, anxious, or they feel depressed,
24:39
Speaker 1: or they feel they're so hard on themselves without factoring
24:42
Speaker 1: in that some of the people that are the happiest
24:44
Speaker 1: also go through bouts of that. But they don't think
24:48
Speaker 1: it has to be perfect. They think, overall, I'm working
24:50
Speaker 1: on my overall health, So it's okay to have these
24:53
Speaker 1: days where it's not great. It's okay. I'm not gonna
24:55
Speaker 1: be hard on myself because I look at the bigger
24:56
Speaker 1: picture and I'm still working on that. Sometimes we will
25:00
Speaker 1: actually cock block ourselves so hard from moving forward in
25:04
Speaker 1: life because we think that the people that have done
25:06
Speaker 1: what we want to do were perfect, and that's why
25:08
Speaker 1: they got where they got. But it's the other way around.
25:11
Speaker 1: The reason they got where they got with their mental
25:13
Speaker 1: health journey, with their professional journey, with their relationship journey,
25:16
Speaker 1: is because they were putting themselves out there before it
25:18
Speaker 1: was perfect. They were putting themselves out there as a
25:21
Speaker 1: means to learning how to improve. Okay, you can't learn
25:26
Speaker 1: how to get better, how to get healthier, how to
25:28
Speaker 1: form better relationships if you're not out there in the
25:31
Speaker 1: field trying. And when you start putting yourself out there
25:36
Speaker 1: and you start having some slip up, some mistakes, but
25:39
Speaker 1: some successes, and then you're living in this melting pot
25:43
Speaker 1: of good and bad and difficult and easy, then you
25:46
Speaker 1: start realizing, Wow, the marker of what I deemed to
25:49
Speaker 1: be successful is very different. Now. I mark success as
25:53
Speaker 1: how resilient I am, how much I'm learning, how I'm
25:55
Speaker 1: bouncing back, how much calmer I am. Like, for example,
26:00
Speaker 1: my friend today said to me, and this is such
26:03
Speaker 1: a compliment, he said to me, you know what, over
26:06
Speaker 1: the last like twenty four months, twelve to twenty four months,
26:09
Speaker 1: you've been so much calmer when bad things have happened
26:13
Speaker 1: to you. Like I've noticed you've, like you're so much
26:15
Speaker 1: more relaxed. And I think it's because what happened with
26:18
Speaker 1: that whole like drama when you know, when my podcast
26:21
Speaker 1: got taken down and all of that night, like it's
26:23
Speaker 1: like the worst case scenario, and it really gave me
26:26
Speaker 1: such good insight into how that actually taught me so much,
26:30
Speaker 1: Like something will go wrong for you, but then it
26:32
Speaker 1: actually teaches you so much in so many other things.
26:36
Speaker 1: Now I am a whole lot calmer when negative things
26:39
Speaker 1: happened to me, and I find that I moved through
26:40
Speaker 1: them a lot easier than I used to move through them.
26:43
Speaker 1: And mind you, I started the podcast four years ago.
26:46
Speaker 1: So here i have a podcast where I'm talking about
26:48
Speaker 1: how to process things, how to approach things, how to whatever.
26:51
Speaker 1: And I'm not perfect. I've got many things that I'm
26:53
Speaker 1: constantly working on as well, but I'm still able to
26:55
Speaker 1: give advice just like you are as well, like you're
26:58
Speaker 1: able to you know, be a lot more, you know,
27:03
Speaker 1: be a lot more gracious and patient with other people,
27:05
Speaker 1: but you're not willing to do it for yourself. So
27:08
Speaker 1: I think shift your focus, which doesn't happen overnight. This
27:13
Speaker 1: is like it's an ongoing thing. But start to shift
27:15
Speaker 1: your focus and start to look at, Okay, where can
27:17
Speaker 1: I be placing value. It's not about perfection, it's value.
27:20
Speaker 1: And if I can give some level of value, I'm
27:22
Speaker 1: going to do it. Okay, if I can look at
27:25
Speaker 1: everyone else that has gotten where I want to be,
27:28
Speaker 1: all I have to do is just dig a tiny
27:29
Speaker 1: bit to see how much of a roller coaster it
27:32
Speaker 1: was for them to get there. And it doesn't mean
27:33
Speaker 1: that they had to go through trauma or anything horrible,
27:35
Speaker 1: but a roller coaster in the sense of like it
27:37
Speaker 1: was not smooth sailing. There were probably months of you know,
27:41
Speaker 1: difficult times or times where they thought they should give
27:43
Speaker 1: up because their business just wasn't doing well. All these
27:46
Speaker 1: factors that come in okay, And when you do that,
27:48
Speaker 1: you start to realize, wow, it's almost like I have
27:52
Speaker 1: to be imperfect in order to get where I want.
27:56
Speaker 1: It's actually the other way. So as a perfectionist, technically
28:01
Speaker 1: you should strive to not be like you should strive
28:03
Speaker 1: for imperfection if you want to actually get what you want.
28:06
Speaker 1: As ironic as that is, anyway, hopefully that gave you
28:09
Speaker 1: a better insight into that. I am. Like I said
28:12
Speaker 1: last week, I am going to be doing an episode
28:14
Speaker 1: soon on growth mindset Versus Fixed Mindset, which ties heavily
28:18
Speaker 1: into this idea of perfectionism as well. So that's going
28:20
Speaker 1: to really help you when I come out with that episode.
28:23
Speaker 1: But if you have my book how to Chanse Change
28:27
Speaker 1: Thirty Days to Master Your Mindset, fucking I'm going to
28:30
Speaker 1: spawn here for my own book, but I do talk
28:32
Speaker 1: about that a bit in that book as well, to
28:35
Speaker 1: a thirty day process that you can go through and
28:37
Speaker 1: there's a little task that you do at the end
28:38
Speaker 1: of every day. But if you don't want to buy
28:40
Speaker 1: the book, just look up things on growth mindset Versus
28:43
Speaker 1: Fixed Mindset. I will be doing an episode on that
28:45
Speaker 1: as well, and that should hopefully help you process all
28:48
Speaker 1: of these feelings that you're having as well. Thank you
28:51
Speaker 1: so much everyone, Thank you for listening. If you want
28:53
Speaker 1: to send in your questions, just email info at dyfmpod
28:57
Speaker 1: dot com and you don't have to, but entertaining titles.
29:01
Speaker 1: I live for them, so please entertain me with your titles.
29:04
Speaker 1: And that is all for to day. As always, remember
29:08
Speaker 1: becind to yourself, becuant to your brain, don't take shit
29:10
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't text shit from yourself. Douggle