Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #10: Pathways to Happiness

Transcript

#10: Pathways to Happiness · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the all new Positivity Podcast, Episode ten. Hello,
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  Speaker 1: my name is doctor Justin Coulson, and welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: podcast that's dedicated to making your life, your work, and.
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  Speaker 2: Your family happier. I think that it's fair to say.
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  Speaker 1: That we all want to be happy, and maybe we
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  Speaker 1: even want to be happy er.
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  Speaker 2: But how do we get there?
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  Speaker 1: What can we do to make ourselves lastingly happier? Is
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  Speaker 1: it even possible to increase our happiness and keep it
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  Speaker 1: at a new heightened level. Well, today we're going to
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  Speaker 1: explore three orientations to happiness, or maybe we might call
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  Speaker 1: them pathways. In addition, in my ask Doctor justin segment,
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to help out a parent who's struggling with
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  Speaker 1: a six year old daughter who she says is.
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  Speaker 2: Out of control.
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  Speaker 1: And by the way, I've had some feedback that the
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  Speaker 1: podcasts are just a little bit on the long side,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm going to try and remedy that by cutting
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  Speaker 1: the length of the podcast in half. I'm shooting for
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  Speaker 1: ten to fifteen minutes instead of twenty to thirty. Let's
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  Speaker 1: see how we go up next the Positivity Podcast and
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  Speaker 1: looking at different ways to be happy.
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  Speaker 3: We all love our children that sometimes they can make
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  Speaker 3: life challenging and we're all searching for the right answers.
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  Speaker 3: In the end, all we want is happy children and
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  Speaker 3: happy families. Doctor Justin Coilson is one of Australia's most
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  Speaker 3: respected parenting voices. He's seminars of equipped and empowered thousands
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  Speaker 3: of parents to make their families happier. But sometimes getting
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  Speaker 3: to a parenting seminar can be tough. There's work and
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  Speaker 3: other commitments. Then there's the.
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  Speaker 2: Issue of the children and babysitters.
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  Speaker 3: Now you can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from
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  Speaker 3: the comfort of your own home and at a time
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  Speaker 3: that works for you. In this seminar video available online Now,
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  Speaker 3: you're invited to sit in on one of doctor Justin's
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  Speaker 3: parenting seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity.
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  Speaker 3: Combining parenting research with heartfelt stories, you'll discover the three
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  Speaker 3: essential keys to raising a resilient child's and.
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  Speaker 2: Creating a happy family.
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  Speaker 3: You learn how to build a strong connection with your children,
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  Speaker 3: had to really understand them, and how to get discipline
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  Speaker 3: rights what your child needs from you. A seminar from
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  Speaker 3: doctor Justin Kilson at Justinkilson dot com. Download this ninety
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  Speaker 3: minute seminar now or purchase the DVD at Justinkilson dot com.
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  Speaker 1: Is there a way to be happy that feels best
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  Speaker 1: for you? Do do you find that you seek happiness
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  Speaker 1: in the same predictable patterns and how is that working
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  Speaker 1: out for you?
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  Speaker 2: As an idea.
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  Speaker 1: Once upon a time, I used to love to stay
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  Speaker 1: up on Friday night and watch the football, not just
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  Speaker 1: one game, but both games. Come Saturday morning, all that
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  Speaker 1: fun that I'd had the previous night munching on ice
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  Speaker 1: cream watching a good game came back to bite me.
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  Speaker 2: I was tired, I was cranky, and I was not
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  Speaker 2: happy at all.
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  Speaker 1: I discovered that the way that I was seeking happiness
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  Speaker 1: was not actually making me happy other than in the moment.
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  Speaker 1: Well Over recent decades, researchers have considered the different ways
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  Speaker 1: that we might be oriented to happiness, and that developed
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  Speaker 1: it's a model of three orientations, or I like to
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  Speaker 1: call them a three pathways to happiness, and we're going
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  Speaker 1: to explore.
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  Speaker 2: Them briefly here.
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  Speaker 1: The first pathway is what we might call hedonic happiness,
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  Speaker 1: and this is a pretty good fit for the kind
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  Speaker 1: of happiness that I was pursuing. I was staying up
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  Speaker 1: all night then I was sleeping in. But it's all
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  Speaker 1: about doing what feels good. It's about avoiding pain. As
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  Speaker 1: I discovered, there are some problems with hedonic happiness. It's
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  Speaker 1: nice to have it, but eventually, ongoing hedonia, when it
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  Speaker 1: is our only purpose, will eventually be our undoing. It'll
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  Speaker 1: stop bringing joy, it will start bringing pain because it
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  Speaker 1: leads to things like alcohol and drug abuse. It leads
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  Speaker 1: to issues around intimacy. If I'm only seeking pleasure and
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  Speaker 1: avoiding pain, then I'll probably make some poor choices when
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  Speaker 1: it comes to my relationships and even slothfulness.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, if you just want to do what feels good,
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  Speaker 2: you're never going to tidy.
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  Speaker 1: There's never going to be any any industrious work take
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  Speaker 1: place because quite often the hard work of thinking or
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  Speaker 1: doing other challenging tasks requires a lot of work that
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  Speaker 1: requires a lot of pain. Research shows that the hedonic
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  Speaker 1: process to happiness or pathway to happiness, or a hedonic
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  Speaker 1: orientation to happiness certainly makes us feel good in here
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  Speaker 1: and now, but over time it can lead to poor
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  Speaker 1: outcomes if it's the only orientation.
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  Speaker 2: Or pathway to happiness that we use.
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  Speaker 1: Now, the second orientation to happiness is what we might
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  Speaker 1: call engagement.
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  Speaker 2: This is when we get right into.
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  Speaker 1: Life and we get really absorbed in the tasks that
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  Speaker 1: we're engaging in. Me High Chick cent Mahig, I'm not
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  Speaker 1: sure if I've pronounced his name correctly, even though I've
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  Speaker 1: read it a million times is probably one of the
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  Speaker 1: world's leading researchers on the concept of flow. You know,
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  Speaker 1: when you're doing something and you lose track of time,
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  Speaker 1: you get completely into it. You forget that you need
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  Speaker 1: to eat, You forget that you're supposed to be somewhere
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  Speaker 1: doing something else because what you're doing is so engaging
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  Speaker 1: and you are so absorbed in it. Well, Chick sent
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  Speaker 1: Mahai calls that flow. Todd Cashton one of my favorite researchers.
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  Speaker 1: I mentioned him regularly on the podcast, and Jeffrey Frow.
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  Speaker 1: They look at engaged living and call it task absorption.
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  Speaker 1: This is something that can can really be a powerful
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  Speaker 1: way to be happy in our lives, because the more
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  Speaker 1: engaged we are with something, the more we switched on
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  Speaker 1: to it, the better we feel about life. Now, there
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  Speaker 1: are positives and negatives to flow, just like there are
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  Speaker 1: positives and negatives to hedonic happiness. For example, we might
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  Speaker 1: get into the flow of gaming or gambling. Neither of
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  Speaker 1: those things are going to lead to positive outcomes over
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  Speaker 1: time because of the potentially destructive mechanisms that operate within them.
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  Speaker 2: We can also get into flow with work, which may
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  Speaker 2: be good, but then.
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  Speaker 1: Again it might also be bad because of the way
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  Speaker 1: it impacts on relationships and time with others.
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  Speaker 2: Some people get it cooking.
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  Speaker 1: I get it speaking to audiences about wellbeing and parenting,
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  Speaker 1: coaching parents on how to make their families happier. But
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  Speaker 1: engagement can be a powerful pathway or orientation to happiness
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  Speaker 1: and the third way that we can make ourselves happy.
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  Speaker 1: The third orientation to happiness is what we would call
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  Speaker 1: you daemonia. That's what Aristotle called it. We might simply
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  Speaker 1: call it in our modern day parlance doing good things
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  Speaker 1: and living a virtuous life. Last podcast or sorry the
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  Speaker 1: podcast before I talked about the bizarre secret to happiness,
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  Speaker 1: which was doing kind deeds, helping other people out out
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  Speaker 1: and this concept of living a virtuous life. Participating in
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  Speaker 1: meaningful pursuits versus hedonic pursuits is a really powerful way
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  Speaker 1: to be happy. It's all about virtues, it's all about
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  Speaker 1: building character. There can be the drawback of not being
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  Speaker 1: able to do what feels great right here and right now,
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  Speaker 1: and that's no fun sometimes because we really want to
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  Speaker 1: do what feels good. But with that decision comes to
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  Speaker 1: confirmation within that character is being developed and we actually
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  Speaker 1: feel good because we're saying not toe something less important
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  Speaker 1: in order to do something more important. They're the three
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  Speaker 1: pathways to happiness, or the three orientations to happiness. There's
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  Speaker 1: hedonia or chasing the pleasure, there's engagement or flow task absorption,
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  Speaker 1: and there's doing good or you'd ammonia. So my question
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  Speaker 1: for you today is this what makes you happy? It's
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  Speaker 1: that simple. Perhaps something that makes you happy is something
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  Speaker 1: that someone else who's listening has never.
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  Speaker 2: Thought of trying before.
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  Speaker 1: Leave your answer at Justin Coulson dot com, slash podcast
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  Speaker 1: slash ten. That's the number ten Justinculson dot com, slash
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  Speaker 1: podcast slash ten and add up. Next, I'll help out
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  Speaker 1: a parent who's struggling with a six year old who
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  Speaker 1: is lashing out and being terribly difficult.
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  Speaker 4: Most children are born curious and confident. They love to
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  Speaker 4: explore the world, mean new friends, and try new things.
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  Speaker 4: But between the ages of two and twelve, confidence often
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  Speaker 4: drops off. Why is this and how can we rebuild it?
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: Creating Confident Kids Scientific Strategies for Building Self Belief in
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: Children is an easy to read ebook for busy parents.
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: In this ebook, Doctor Justin Coulson shares simple strategies to
• 8:12
  Speaker 4: create confidence in kids, using his skill at simplifying the
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: science and a lot of straight from the hard stories,
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: you discover the five biggest confidence crushes, the five best
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  Speaker 4: confidence boosters, and twenty questions to clearly identify your child's
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: view of their family identity. Plus a bonus chapter to
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: share surprising confidence boosters for people of all ages. Creating
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: Confident Kids at major online booksellers now or at Justinculson
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  Speaker 4: dot com.
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  Speaker 1: I received this doctor Justin request via email during the
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  Speaker 1: week high Doctor Justin, just wondering if you can help
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  Speaker 1: with behavioral issues we're having with our six year old daughter.
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  Speaker 1: She's always been difficult, but lately she seems out of
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  Speaker 1: control and we don't.
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  Speaker 2: Know what to do.
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  Speaker 1: She yells, she refuses to do anything we say, She
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  Speaker 1: cries or screams when she doesn't get her own way.
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  Speaker 1: She speaks to me like I'm here to serve her
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  Speaker 1: man's things of me with no manners in a very
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  Speaker 1: rude tone. She tells me she hates me, calls me
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  Speaker 1: offensive names, says that I'm selfish. This is a six
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  Speaker 1: year old girl we're talking about here. She consistently hurts
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  Speaker 1: her brothers and sister and uses a horrible tone and
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  Speaker 1: orders them around. That all aside, she can be a lovely,
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  Speaker 1: sweet girl at.
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  Speaker 2: Times, mainly when she's alone. She does well at school.
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  Speaker 1: She's very intelligent, She isn't spoilt, she does get to
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  Speaker 1: go out and do things, and isn't going without anything.
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  Speaker 1: I've lost control of the situation, says this mum, and
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  Speaker 1: feel like I'm consistently yelling and telling her off. I
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  Speaker 1: don't know what to do with her anymore. Would love
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  Speaker 1: some advice on what to do now. Well, here's my response.
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  Speaker 1: When our children are disrespectful, when our children are hurting others,
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  Speaker 1: or when they're just generally being horrid, it's normal that
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  Speaker 1: we want to punish them so that they will learn
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  Speaker 1: their lesson. Unfortunately, this rarely improves the situation. It usually
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  Speaker 1: makes things worse. It seems kind of odd, in fact,
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  Speaker 1: that you think that will improve them by making them
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  Speaker 1: feel worse about themselves. If you think about the last
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  Speaker 1: time that you were made to feel lousy by someone.
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  Speaker 1: Chances are it probably didn't inspire you to be your best.
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  Speaker 1: So in this situation, I'd recommend a handful of things.
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  Speaker 1: Number One, when you start feeling angry and you want
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  Speaker 1: to yell, do the opposite. I know it's completely natural
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  Speaker 1: and normal and typical to want to yell or lecture
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  Speaker 1: or punish, but it's not really effective for anything other
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  Speaker 1: than a quick fix. It hurts the relationship. It encourages
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  Speaker 1: selfishness on the part of our children. So instead, recognize
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  Speaker 1: your anger, calm yourself down, and speak softly and clearly.
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  Speaker 1: But you can still be firm, but you just don't
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  Speaker 1: need to shout and yell and make yourself into a great,
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  Speaker 1: big pufferfish.
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  Speaker 2: Number two.
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  Speaker 1: Second step, understand how it is for her. Often our
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  Speaker 1: kids act in angry ways because they don't know how
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  Speaker 1: else to communicate their difficulties. Often they don't even know
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  Speaker 1: what their difficulties are. Maybe she's stressed or confused or neglected.
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  Speaker 1: Maybe she's just copying what she sees you do when
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  Speaker 1: you're stressed or confused or feeling neglected. Perhaps she's struggling
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  Speaker 1: with a school teacher or friends at school, or there's
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  Speaker 1: something else in her life that is undermining her well
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  Speaker 1: being and her relationships. Maybe she's just tired or hungry
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  Speaker 1: at those times where she's lashing out. By understanding how
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  Speaker 1: it is for her, you can start to be a
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  Speaker 1: lot more intentional about the way that you manage yourself
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  Speaker 1: and the way that you respond to her needs. The
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  Speaker 1: third thing I'd suggest is there's set boundaries proactively ahead
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  Speaker 1: of time, but also do it in a collaborative way.
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  Speaker 1: What I mean by that is, instead of reacting to
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  Speaker 1: challenges as they come along, take some time, maybe on
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  Speaker 1: a quiet Sunday morning, and go.
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  Speaker 2: For a walk to the park or to the beach
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  Speaker 2: with your daughter, and or maybe just.
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  Speaker 1: Go down to the local cafe and buy a smoothie
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  Speaker 1: and sit down and chat about your issues and ask
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  Speaker 1: what she thinks can be done about it.
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  Speaker 2: Don't lecture her, ask what she thinks.
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  Speaker 1: Can be done about it. Set limits on behavior ahead
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  Speaker 1: of time. It's really important that you let your children
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  Speaker 1: know what you expect before you go into the shops
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  Speaker 1: or before you leave the house for ten minutes to
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  Speaker 1: do something and leave them on their own. Set those
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  Speaker 1: limits ahead of time, be proactive and talk together about
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  Speaker 1: what's okay and what's not. Now, this is also really
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  Speaker 1: important to mention. I don't want you to think that
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  Speaker 1: this conversation should be about saying if you do this,
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  Speaker 1: I'll do that. It's not about determining consequences to bad behavior.
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  Speaker 1: It's about discussing how everyone feels when your daughter screams
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  Speaker 1: or refuses to help, or hits or lashes out or
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  Speaker 1: does whatever she's doing. It's about talking together about the
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  Speaker 1: preferred ways of behaving and focusing on how that feels instead.
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  Speaker 1: Two more tips. The fourth one is this, use simple,
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  Speaker 1: gentle reminders. So when she makes mistakes and she will,
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  Speaker 1: rather than rousing on her, just offer a gentle, supportive,
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  Speaker 1: encouraging a reminder. Just say something like, look, we speak kindly.
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  Speaker 1: Remember we speak kindly. Or you might say, I hear
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  Speaker 1: that you want something, but we.
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  Speaker 2: Spoke just the other day about how to ask and
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  Speaker 2: how to use our manners. Would you try that again, please.
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  Speaker 1: The good thing about this approach is it re establishes
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  Speaker 1: the limits that you've set. It puts the boundaries in place,
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  Speaker 1: but it does it in a really respectful way that
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  Speaker 1: actually models precisely the kind of behavior that you want
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  Speaker 1: to see in your daughter. And the last tip is
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  Speaker 1: they spend time because maybe more than anything, your daughter's
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  Speaker 1: behavior is a terribly poorly aimed plea for more help
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  Speaker 1: than guidance.
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  Speaker 2: She wants your attention.
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  Speaker 1: She's probably been asking for it in civil ways but
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  Speaker 1: had no response, so now she's seeking your attention in
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  Speaker 1: uncivil ways. When our kids feel loved when they have
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  Speaker 1: our attention and focus, and you said this in your email,
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  Speaker 1: she's great when she's on her own, they tend to
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  Speaker 1: respond really well. It's not possible in a family your
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  Speaker 1: size for her to receive all of your focus and
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  Speaker 1: all of your attention, but spending time in the relationship
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  Speaker 1: together will almost certainly improve the way things go in
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  Speaker 1: the family.
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  Speaker 2: So they are my five tips.
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  Speaker 1: The times that our children act in ways that make
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  Speaker 1: us feel that they don't deserve our loved attention are the.
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  Speaker 2: Times when they need it the most.
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  Speaker 1: But the way that we show that love and the
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  Speaker 1: kind of attention we give are really really important. So
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  Speaker 1: the focus should be on less correction and direction and
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  Speaker 1: more on strengthening the relationship by spending time together understanding
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  Speaker 1: how things are for her, focusing on gentle disciplinary techniques
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  Speaker 1: that are more about teaching and less about punishment, and
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  Speaker 1: I think that that's where the improvements will come and
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  Speaker 1: the family will be happier. So that's my answer for
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  Speaker 1: this week. I hope that it's helpful. If you have
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  Speaker 1: any parenting questions that you'd like help with, visit justinculson
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: dot com slash questions, leave me a voice message, or
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: just type out your question and you can email it
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: to me as well. I'd love to hear from you.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: That's Justinculson dot com slash questions.
• 14:45
  Speaker 5: Toilet training. It's a milestone that parents.
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Look forward to.
• 14:48
  Speaker 5: What is the best way to toilet train our children successfully?
• 14:52
  Speaker 5: Doctor Justin Coulson has written a no Mess, No Fast
• 14:56
  Speaker 5: ebook to help call toilet training easy as one two weeks.
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: Written for busy parents, you'll whiz through a clear overview
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: of toilet training without getting bogged in too much detail.
• 15:07
  Speaker 5: At just over twenty pages, the ebook can be digested
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: in under thirty minutes. You'll find straight shooting answers about
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: toilet training based on scientific research, like how to know
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: when your child is ready to toilet train? Myths and
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: conspiracy theories about toilet training and the most popular toilet
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: training approaches and what science says about them. Some toilet
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: training guides take longer to read than it should take
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: to toilet trainer child. This is the fast flowing alternative
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: to get your kids going at the right time, in
• 15:38
  Speaker 5: the right way, and the right way toilet training easy
• 15:42
  Speaker 5: as one two. We available at major online booksellers now
• 15:46
  Speaker 5: or at justin Coulson dot com.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Well, I hope you've enjoyed today's shortened podcast. Before I go,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: a couple of quick announcements. The first is I have
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: just released a brand new ebook called The Five Surprising
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Secrets to Creating a More successful and Happier You starting now.
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  Speaker 1: Check it out at Justin Coulson dot com slash shop.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I think that you'll really enjoy it, and it's already
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: been selling quite well and a lot of people are
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: very interested in what it says, quite a few counterintuitive
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: ideas about what makes us happy and what doesn't. If
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: you have any ideas for what you'd like to hear
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: in this podcast, I would welcome your comments. You can
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: email me info at Justinculson dot com. Before I leave today,
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I want to leave you with something that I hope
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  Speaker 1: will stick in your mind for a while. It's something
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  Speaker 1: fantastic about happiness. And this is a quote that comes
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  Speaker 1: from Mahatma Gandhi. It ties in beautifully with the idea
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  Speaker 1: of the eudaemonic pathway to happiness.
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  Speaker 2: He said this happiness is when.
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  Speaker 1: What you think, what you say, and what you do
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  Speaker 1: are in harmony. I think what he's saying is when
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  Speaker 1: we live with integrity, we are happy.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's it for this week's podcast. Thank you for listening.
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  Speaker 1: If you've enjoyed the episode, you'll find the outline and
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: the resource links in the show at justin coulson dot
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: com slash podcast slash ten. As in the number ten,
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: as well as that I'd love to hear from you
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: what makes you happy? Visit the site let me know.
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: Are you a hedonist, do you go for flow or
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: are you a character and virtue oriented individual? Tell me
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: what makes you happy at justin Coulson dot com, slash
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: podcast slash ten.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: I think that the reality is by the way that
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: we're all a little bit of.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Each and that lots of the things that we do
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: overlap across those three areas and make us quite happy.
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: Across the board.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: Can I also encourage you to share the podcast if
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: it's made an impact on you, or if it's helped
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: you in your professional life or your parenting. I'd really
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: appreciate it if you would visit justin Coulson dot com
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: slash podcast slash ten. You'll find a prepopulated Twitter or
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: Facebook post that you can share with your friends and
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: followers to get the word out about the podcast. And
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: as always, I'd be really grateful if you'd rate the
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: podcast on iTunes because it's your ratings that determine how
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: likely it is that people will actually discover the podcast.
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: It's the ratings that boost the visibility and help other
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: people to find out how I can help them to
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: have a more positive life and family. And of course
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: you can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: That is it for this week. I'll have another podcast
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: ready to go possibly next week.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Stay tuned. I will let you know about it.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: And remember, the greatest weapon against stress is our ability
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: to choose one thought over another.