Latest / Sober Talk SA / Sober-Talk -SA- Paul T

Transcript

Sober-Talk -SA- Paul T · Sober Talk SA

• 0:00
  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
• 0:04
  Soap to dear thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
• 0:07
  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
• 0:11
  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
• 0:17
  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
• 0:24
  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
• 0:27
  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
• 0:29
  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
• 0:33
  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
• 0:37
  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
• 0:40
  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
• 0:43
  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
• 0:46
  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
• 0:50
  He is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics,
• 0:54
  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
• 0:58
  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
• 1:03
  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
• 1:06
  Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
• 1:08
  It's my pleasure to present our speaker tonight.
• 1:12
  Who's Paul? Over 2 Pauls.
• 1:14
  Yeah. Thanks, Sia.
• 1:15
  Yeah, my name is Paul. I'm an alcoholic.
• 1:17
  Thanks, Shan, for inviting me and thanks for reading that diet
• 1:19
  and read that or heard that for a long time.
• 1:22
  It's, it's hits the nail on the head, doesn't it?
• 1:27
  Yeah, We're undisciplined. I never thought I was
• 1:28
  undisciplined. I, I did a stint in the Navy for
• 1:31
  a while. But I'm disciplined, you know, I
• 1:33
  can follow orders. You know, it's easy to follow
• 1:35
  orders when someone's yelling in your ear telling you what to do.
• 1:38
  You know, left to my own devices, I am undisciplined, you
• 1:42
  know. So anyway, yeah, Paul and I'm an
• 1:46
  alcoholic and I, well, I guess I grew up in a alcohol affected
• 1:52
  family. My dad left when I was really
• 1:55
  early. I couldn't, I didn't remember
• 1:56
  him. I don't know if he was an
• 1:58
  alcoholic or not, but mum said he had a bit of a drinking
• 2:01
  problem and he got angry when he got drunk and so he left.
• 2:05
  And I hated his guts for that, you know.
• 2:07
  Jeez, I, I really, I didn't, you know, there's the resentment
• 2:11
  fested for, for many years and. Yeah, yeah, so and so many years
• 2:17
  later in sobriety, I actually met up with him.
• 2:20
  It's a bit ironic, you know. And yeah, I met him before he
• 2:23
  died. And I think somewhere along the
• 2:25
  line in recovery, the Penny dropped that, you know, he was a
• 2:29
  sick bloke. Whether he's an alcoholic and I
• 2:31
  don't know, but I think it's fair to say he was a sick bloke.
• 2:34
  And and this, the other thing that Penny's dropped is I think
• 2:39
  he did me a favour by leaving, you know, because I've heard
• 2:42
  some horrific stories about parents that stuck around as
• 2:46
  practising Alcoholics, you know. So no, I think he did me a
• 2:50
  favour by leaving. But yeah, it was, you know,
• 2:53
  obviously good to see him before he died.
• 2:55
  And he had a bit of brain damage I think.
• 2:57
  I'm no doctor, but I think the booze knocked him around a bit,
• 3:01
  you know, don't have to be psychiatrist to work that out.
• 3:04
  So anyway, where am I? Have a shot?
• 3:07
  Yeah, booze. Like I said, I grew up in a
• 3:10
  alcohol affected place. I was a bit of a mummy's boy.
• 3:13
  I remember at school I didn't like going on school camps
• 3:16
  because I was away from mum. So I'd always make up reasons I
• 3:19
  couldn't go, you know, and all that.
• 3:21
  It says, you know, 1314 and then sort of somewhere along the line
• 3:25
  booze comes along. It's probably around 15 or 16
• 3:30
  and before you know it I'm joined, you know, I've signed up
• 3:32
  and joined the Navy, I've moved Interstate.
• 3:34
  I'm not going from the kid who wouldn't go on a school camp to
• 3:37
  moving Interstate, had to sign up for one of those six years or
• 3:41
  something. But I never really thought about
• 3:43
  it too much at the time. But in recovery, I thought
• 3:44
  about, but how'd that happen? You know, it's alcohol really is
• 3:49
  empowering. You know, it says in the big
• 3:50
  book, isn't it? It's empowering this stuff.
• 3:52
  You know, it's I would never have done it if booze hadn't
• 3:55
  come along. So off I went because I grew up
• 3:58
  in a small country town and and I was blacking out right from
• 4:02
  the start, You know, right from the start.
• 4:04
  I was an alcoholic. Alcoholism didn't creep up on
• 4:06
  me. It was it was right from the
• 4:08
  start. And but it, yeah, it was always
• 4:11
  going to be the next time was going to be different.
• 4:13
  You know, I loved the initial effects of alcohol.
• 4:15
  Booze went in and reality went out the door, you know, So I
• 4:18
  just loved it. Come taller, thinner, funnier.
• 4:22
  Why wouldn't you drink this stuff?
• 4:23
  You know, I loved just about the start of every drinking session,
• 4:26
  I reckoned. But I was a regular blackout
• 4:29
  drinker. Not every time I drank did it
• 4:31
  end in disaster. But my drink is a bit like that
• 4:34
  big wheel at the casino, you know, spin it up and see what's
• 4:37
  going to happen, you know, And because I never knew every.
• 4:40
  I take that first drink and I don't know what's going to
• 4:42
  happen. And yeah, sometimes it was.
• 4:45
  Sometimes it was horrific and sometimes it wasn't.
• 4:48
  Sometimes it was in between. But yeah, booze beat me.
• 4:51
  There's no two ways about that. I Yeah.
• 4:55
  So I joined the Navy, my first geographical.
• 4:58
  I didn't realize that at the time, but, you know, I'm going
• 5:01
  to leave this small country town I grew up in because it's not
• 5:04
  big enough for me and my ego. I'm going to go out and make my
• 5:07
  mark in the world. And.
• 5:09
  And you know, I don't know. I really don't know how I had
• 5:12
  joined up. I just, it was just time to go.
• 5:15
  I think just time to leave. And yeah, and I got into strife
• 5:19
  right from the start, you know, blackout drinker and yeah, yeah,
• 5:24
  right from the start. My first posting from recruit
• 5:26
  school was just down the road from Kings Cross.
• 5:30
  I would have been about 17 or 18 practicing alcoholic just down
• 5:34
  the road from Kings Cross. You know what could go wrong?
• 5:36
  I mean, honestly, I just, I don't know how we ended up in
• 5:39
  Alcoholics Anonymous because, yeah, it was unbelievable, you
• 5:44
  know, like I, yeah. Looking for love in, in King's
• 5:48
  Cross. And yeah.
• 5:52
  Anyway, it. Yeah.
• 5:55
  There's not a lot of mercy in King's Cross and forgiveness and
• 5:59
  all that kind of stuff, you know, so.
• 6:01
  And then I thought if I could just get out of King's Cross,
• 6:04
  I'll be all right, you know, because of King's Cross.
• 6:06
  I drink your way out of tea. So I got posted to Western
• 6:09
  Sydney, you know, and took me with me unchanged.
• 6:14
  And, you know, there's no happy story for a practising
• 6:19
  alcoholic. You know what it was.
• 6:21
  But it's the same, you know, next time would be different,
• 6:23
  next time would differ. It was someone else's fault, you
• 6:25
  know, got myself into so much strife.
• 6:28
  I, yeah, when I was at posted at Kings Cross, I was given an
• 6:33
  ultimatum to I, if I went to the service rehab in Sydney, you
• 6:40
  know, things might look a bit better.
• 6:42
  I knew I had a drinking problem that was painful, painfully
• 6:44
  obvious. So I went to the, the rehab and
• 6:49
  in Western Sydney and, and that's where I was first
• 6:52
  introduced to a a, you know, I didn't, yeah, I don't know.
• 6:56
  Like I said, I knew I had a drinking problem, but I was
• 6:59
  probably 18 or 9/9. And when you're 18 or 19 and
• 7:03
  you've got a disease that's told you you haven't got it, next
• 7:05
  time we're different. You're just unlucky.
• 7:08
  You know, it's as I've heard in these rooms, you're up, up
• 7:12
  against a stacked deck, you know, and I guess I just hadn't
• 7:15
  felt enough pain. So I actually hung around.
• 7:18
  IAI got kicked out of that rehab, but it did plant the seed
• 7:23
  for IA. You know, that doesn't guarantee
• 7:26
  that seeds going to be, you know, it's going to grow.
• 7:28
  But at least I was aware that IA existed.
• 7:31
  I think I did a couple of meetings in King's Cross and.
• 7:35
  But, you know, I guess I didn't want what was on offer at 18 or
• 7:39
  19. I felt I was missing out on the
• 7:41
  good times they'd gone, you know.
• 7:45
  Yeah. So for me, I've turned my back
• 7:47
  on a A twice and I paid the price each time.
• 7:50
  You know, pain's my #1 motivator.
• 7:53
  The pain of being a practising alcoholic.
• 7:55
  That's what got me here. And if I'm not living right, the
• 7:59
  pain of, of not living right will push me back towards those
• 8:02
  steps. You know, I eventually got
• 8:05
  posted over to WA and I thought, oh great, I'm out of NSW.
• 8:09
  I'll be all right now. Now it's unbelievable.
• 8:12
  This disease, it is so powerful, you know, so powerful, so
• 8:16
  cunning, baffling and powerful. Got over to, yeah, WA got posted
• 8:21
  to my first ship. And, you know, around Australia
• 8:24
  and all other places and just, you know, as a practising
• 8:27
  alcoholic, all hell breaks slice.
• 8:29
  So I think I got out of the Navy just before they kicked me out.
• 8:32
  But I read some of my old records and now I'm not so sure.
• 8:36
  But it doesn't matter. The thing is, I got out of the
• 8:38
  Navy and alive. So that was a good start.
• 8:43
  And, you know, the irony is I got out the night and go back
• 8:46
  home, you know, back home to where it all started.
• 8:49
  It was the Navy's fault, you know, That's why I drank.
• 8:52
  You know, I'm back home now. Everything will be all right.
• 8:54
  I'll be able to drink like a gentleman and safely in this
• 8:56
  small country town. And, you know, surprise,
• 8:59
  surprise, it just bees beat me in more pain.
• 9:04
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 9:07
  Last drink in a small at least I found when I was drink as a
• 9:11
  practising alcoholic in the city, there's a degree of
• 9:14
  anonymity. But in a small town as a
• 9:17
  blackout drinker, everybody knows your business.
• 9:19
  It was unbelievable. You know, people knew what I was
• 9:22
  doing before I did. And yeah, that's what got me
• 9:25
  back to AA. The guilt, shame and the
• 9:27
  remorse. You know, I've done it again.
• 9:29
  I've done it again, you know, bloody diseases, cunning,
• 9:33
  baffling and powerful. You know, you'll be right.
• 9:35
  The next time we're different, the next time we're different.
• 9:38
  But it was, I was beaten, you know, I was in a small country
• 9:41
  town, made a complete mess in herself, had a ex-girlfriend who
• 9:46
  said never wanted to see you again.
• 9:48
  I knew that because my mum told me.
• 9:50
  See, I was just about to get thrown in the back of a Paddy
• 9:53
  wagon and somehow she convince the policeman not to do it.
• 9:57
  And so I don't know, she must have drove me home.
• 10:01
  And yeah, she said next day she never wants to see you again.
• 10:04
  So, you know, it's pretty hard to make a message to someone who
• 10:06
  never wants to see you again. I think it was a year later in
• 10:09
  in recovery. I asked someone about it.
• 10:11
  They said just write a letter. I had a rough idea what the
• 10:14
  address was. I just put the address on there,
• 10:16
  asked for forgiveness. And I don't know, I don't even
• 10:19
  know if she got it, but I guess that's the best I could do.
• 10:23
  I did my part. You know, when someone says I
• 10:25
  never want to see you again, this is, there's no grey areas
• 10:28
  there really, is there? So that's the way it is.
• 10:31
  I can't save my skin at someone else's expense.
• 10:33
  So, yeah. Back to IA on Yorke Peninsula
• 10:38
  for the third time. My first meeting was at Urania.
• 10:42
  I don't know if anyone's been there before, but it's it's not
• 10:45
  a town. It's just a little place.
• 10:47
  There's about four tennis courts, a rainwater tank and A
• 10:50
  and a church and, and they were holding meetings there every
• 10:55
  pension fortnight at all they'd they'd hold meetings there.
• 10:58
  And I remember I was sitting in the car really nervous, really,
• 11:02
  really nervous. It's in the middle of nowhere.
• 11:04
  I was just about to get out the car to walk in and stuff me.
• 11:07
  This car out of nowhere comes along and I thought, oh, I can't
• 11:12
  let anyone know I'm going to an, a, a man, you know, So I just
• 11:15
  waded in the car. It's funny.
• 11:17
  I as a practising alcoholic, everyone knows you're an
• 11:19
  alcoholic, but yeah, geez, you don't want anyone know you
• 11:23
  you're going to a a anyway. It's unbelievable.
• 11:26
  But anyway, and that's what really where the the journey
• 11:29
  started. You know, I remember the first
• 11:31
  meeting there was a bloke called fisherman Alf and he said try
• 11:34
  and accept a a with childlike faith, you know, and childlike I
• 11:38
  could do, I could do that. I was 25I reckon emotionally
• 11:42
  still 1516, you know, from the first drink and childlike I
• 11:46
  could do and from the for about probably the first 12 months,
• 11:50
  that's what I was doing. I was, we did on the peninsula.
• 11:54
  We had three meetings a fortnight, I think.
• 11:57
  And, and that's what I did. I just go to meetings and I
• 12:00
  moved to the city and it was about two and about 2 1/2 years
• 12:04
  in and I had to do something about that program on the wall.
• 12:10
  You know, like I mentioned before about the pain of, of
• 12:14
  untreated alcoholism, I guess. I mean, it's so important to get
• 12:18
  to a meeting and stay to a meeting.
• 12:19
  But I just got to that stage where I had to do a bit more
• 12:22
  than just putting a seat on a seat.
• 12:24
  And because I, there's a guy who came in maybe a couple of months
• 12:31
  after me, I'm not really sure. And I could see him getting, I
• 12:35
  could see him getting well. And I saw him pretty much when
• 12:38
  he first came in and he was really angry and he'd share
• 12:41
  about it all the time if he was really one angry bloke.
• 12:45
  And I didn't, I don't know, I hadn't seen him for a while.
• 12:47
  I saw him at a meeting or something and he, you know, no
• 12:51
  sign or anything. But to tell you what that
• 12:52
  angered had really subsided a bit.
• 12:55
  I said what have you been doing? What's going on?
• 12:58
  He said, well, what he told me, he said he started going to
• 13:01
  church. If anyone can remember Border
• 13:05
  Town Eric, he was doing the steps at a church at he's doing
• 13:09
  stepping stones and he had an office in the church.
• 13:12
  And so this guy was was doing the steps with Border Town Eric
• 13:16
  and going to church on Sunday. You know, I'll never forget
• 13:18
  that. Oh, I'm going to church.
• 13:20
  You know, I'm not that bad. Yeah.
• 13:23
  I'm not feeling that much pain. But that, Yeah, pain.
• 13:27
  Like I said before, the number one motivator is pain.
• 13:29
  So I went to see Border Town Eric and and that's where sort
• 13:33
  of the, I guess the, the road to recovery sort of moved on from
• 13:38
  just going to meetings. But like I said, you know, it's,
• 13:42
  it's so important meetings. But like, if I wasn't going to
• 13:44
  meetings, I wouldn't have met this bloke, you know what I
• 13:46
  mean? It all starts with meetings.
• 13:48
  That's where it starts. And and the journey continues,
• 13:52
  you know, and yes, I got rid of a lot of guilt, guilt and shame,
• 13:57
  you know, through those steps. And yeah, that's freeing.
• 14:01
  You know, when you, you know, I was in the Navy and I was always
• 14:04
  getting charged, you know, go, you need to go up.
• 14:07
  And they'll have their own little court system and guilty
• 14:10
  as charge. How do you plea guilty as
• 14:11
  charge, guilty as charged, DUI, guilty as charged, all that kind
• 14:16
  of stuff. And then, you know, you, you
• 14:19
  know, share with another human being some of the stuff you
• 14:21
  don't want to share, you know, And he says you're not guilty.
• 14:25
  I love it. Yeah.
• 14:27
  How good is that? So that was good for us to
• 14:30
  start. And.
• 14:33
  Yeah. But it's still one day at a
• 14:35
  time, you know? And from there, I actually met
• 14:37
  my wife at that church. And you know, I don't resent
• 14:42
  that church. You may have moved on, but
• 14:45
  that's all good. She's she, are you?
• 14:47
  You know, I used to be. I remember a lot whinging about
• 14:50
  being single in early recovery. And then somewhere along the
• 14:54
  line I got married. And then you got to be careful
• 14:57
  what I complain about because I learned a lot about myself when
• 15:01
  you live with another human being and that other human being
• 15:05
  had two little daughters with her too.
• 15:06
  So I'm the kind of guy who likes his own space.
• 15:10
  So when you sort of get married and there's two kids there, that
• 15:13
  space is really diminishing. So it's about, you know, growing
• 15:17
  up in recovery. Yeah, it's funny, from those two
• 15:22
  little kids, there's bloody. I've got 2-2 grandchildren, you
• 15:25
  know, and I was nursing one of them a couple of days ago.
• 15:27
  You know, when I. So when I come in, I'm single
• 15:30
  and about 25. And now I've got 4 kids and two
• 15:34
  grandchildren. And so it's just an unbelievable
• 15:37
  journey, you know, I forget that kind of stuff.
• 15:39
  You know, gratitude's not my strong point, you know, it, it
• 15:43
  really isn't. Yeah.
• 15:45
  If I can, you know, I usually complain about the things that I
• 15:49
  don't have, but if I can whack a bit of gratitude into my life, I
• 15:53
  run a lot better, you know? So, yeah, just, you know, life
• 15:57
  happens. Just life happens, Kids and
• 15:59
  grandkids and and you know, and like that said, God's will, not
• 16:03
  my will, you know, self will run right.
• 16:05
  That is still my problem. You know, my ability to to board
• 16:10
  that plane to Fantasy Island is so, you know, if the checkout
• 16:14
  girl says hello to me, well, that's it.
• 16:16
  You know, I'm in love, you know, and that's all right if you're
• 16:19
  single, but when you've been married for about 25 years, you
• 16:22
  know, it's probably not a good is this thing on?
• 16:24
  Is this, this isn't, you know, it's probably not a strong sign
• 16:28
  of mental health. So it's, you know,
• 16:30
  undisciplined. That's me.
• 16:33
  So I need this program to discipline me.
• 16:36
  You know, for an hour and a half of meetings, I'm safe.
• 16:39
  You know, this is the safest place for me in the world, is
• 16:42
  what I mean. And I used to think for an hour
• 16:45
  and a half, I'm safe from out there and which I am to a
• 16:47
  degree. But more importantly, I'm safe
• 16:50
  for myself for an hour and a half.
• 16:51
  I'm safe from this bloke here. He's undisciplined, ungrateful,
• 16:57
  you know, you name it. So I come here, I get a bit of
• 17:00
  gratitude, I get to live another day, you know, one day at a
• 17:03
  time, you know, And how fortunate, Sir, it is
• 17:06
  unbelievable. It's unbelievable what life has
• 17:09
  on offer if I'm not drinking one day at a time and try and put
• 17:13
  that program into my life. And that's what it said, you
• 17:16
  know, God's will, not mine. My will.
• 17:19
  Now, getting what I want is not the best thing for me, you know,
• 17:23
  I think it is, but it ain't. It ain't no way in the world.
• 17:27
  So yeah, yeah, just just your life's good here because of AAI
• 17:34
  give blood now and that, you know, and you know, that's
• 17:38
  probably no big deal, but for me it's good.
• 17:40
  And. And normally you get a message
• 17:43
  what you do when you get a message from the blood bank and
• 17:46
  they tell you where it goes and that's good.
• 17:47
  And I got a message last time that said your blood's going to
• 17:50
  Sydney, NSW. I thought, oh, you know how
• 17:52
  good's that, you know, So yeah, so that's good.
• 17:56
  That's all because of a a no. Well, it's good.
• 18:00
  But that disease is still there, you know, cunning, baffling and
• 18:03
  powerful. Without a doubt.
• 18:05
  You know, cunning, baffling and powerful.
• 18:06
  And I didn't, you know, I've been, I often don't, you know, I
• 18:10
  knew cunning wasn't a compliment, you know, so, and
• 18:13
  I've heard, you know, Eddie and other people say you don't know
• 18:15
  what a bloody word means. Why don't you just look it up?
• 18:18
  So I looked it up, and one of the definitions, the one that
• 18:21
  stood out for me, is skilled in the art of deceit.
• 18:25
  I thought that's what I got. You know, I got a disease that
• 18:28
  is skilled in the art of deceit that will lie to me, you know,
• 18:32
  lying still. So that's what I got.
• 18:36
  And so I'm aware of that today. So it's never over.
• 18:42
  It's life on life's terms. Yeah.
• 18:45
  But, you know, it makes. I'm an extremely fortunate
• 18:49
  alcoholic and God, as I understand it, doesn't give me
• 18:53
  unlimited opportunities of sobriety.
• 18:55
  I don't think that's fear. That's just reality.
• 18:57
  You know, that's not having a hateful, vengeful God.
• 18:59
  It's just I play Russian roulette one too many times and
• 19:04
  my number comes up. That's just the way it is.
• 19:05
  You know, that's just the way it is.
• 19:08
  So I want to live and it's because of you people.
• 19:11
  You people have saved my life. I, I saved my life one one day
• 19:14
  at a time, and I'll leave it at that.
• 19:17
  Thanks to I thanks. Thank you.
• 19:19
  Bye for. A A has more than two million
• 19:23
  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
• 19:26
  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
• 19:30
  They are made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
• 19:35
  country. Meetings range in size from a
• 19:38
  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
• 19:42
  communities. And once again, if anyone you
• 19:46
  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
• 19:50
  announcing 13 under Double Sue, Double Sue, Double Sue or visit
• 19:55
  their website on aa.org dot AU.