Latest / Self Love Podcast / Finding the strength to accept myself.

Transcript

Finding the strength to accept myself. · Self Love Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, free spirits.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: How's everyone doing?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of South Love Podcasts.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I hope everybody's having an amazing October.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's almost Halloween, guys.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I am doing great.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, it's almost the holidays, my favorite time of the year.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: But first and foremost, I do want to get this episode started and let you guys know what we are going to talk about today.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In today's episode, we are going to talk about self-love, self-acceptance, and self-forgiveness.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: How did that look like for me?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, guys, I'm pretty sure a lot of you guys went through this with your own family.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: But growing up, I was always judged for every little thing that I did within myself or with myself.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is I was always judged by my family.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: How you know the way that I spoke, the way that I walked, the way that I dressed.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was just everything about me that I it felt like my family has always had an issue with.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I was always so scared because of you know it being uh something that everybody would make fun of, just like that they were doing at home.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, you know, that's when all the school bullying started.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of it had to do because I didn't speak English that well.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why was it like that?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, but I do remember growing up, even up to high school, that a lot of us Latinos that didn't speak that much English.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: We always became a target to people.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it was a racist thing or if it's just I don't know, but unfortunately, I did, you know, I was part of that group.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was bullied a lot because of the way that I spoke.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: And also how to do because of the way that I walked.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I I I grew up with so many, so many insecurities, guys.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I I remember just always hating myself.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hated myself, guys, up to maybe a few years ago.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I hated the way that I acted, I hated the way that I spoke, I hated the way that I loved.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just everything about me that I I I didn't like because it made me feel like I was just weak, like I was soft.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because my family would always talk shit about oh, you always want to be loved, you always just want it, it's always about you.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: When it came to always me trying to be so do something nice or just be loving, it was always turned around and and and and made into something bad, you know.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I wish I knew back in the days that I wasn't the issue, that it was just maybe insecurities that everybody carried, or maybe that you know everybody was going through their own things and they were just trying to, you know, destroy people around them.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know that that's what we do as humans, because I was once there too.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I you know was distress destructive within myself, but I was also being destructive with those around me.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um but this is not to to make anybody look bad, honestly, or or to be like, oh, this person, it's a crappy ass person, go after them.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like my biggest biggest hater, I'm just kidding.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a hater, but my biggest critic uh was actually my mother.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: My mother uh judged everything to the T about me that I noticed now that I'm going to therapy.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know that we talked about this in therapy a few years ago when I started therapy, but now that I'm going to therapy, I'm starting to notice that that's probably the reason why.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um I just grew up to want to just escape from my family and find love.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not within my family.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's the reason why I connected more with other people, why I felt like I was always getting closer to other people.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why when I had my friends that I was closer to them, and I remember my mom always making comments, even now that I'm older, uh, where she where she wouldn't be like, oh, wait, you'd rather be with your friends.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's true, I'd rather be with my friends.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like be with my family.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: I love my family, and I felt like I it was an obligation because you know we were we were related that I had to be there for everything and anything.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I enjoyed being with my family, I'm sorry, with my friends because my friends never judged me, my friends never bripped me apart, my friends never discouraged me from doing anything in life.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: If anything, my friends allowed me to be surgile.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: My friends allowed me to be myself, they pushed me to be myself, they would always tell me we're always gonna love you, no matter what you are or how life is.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like we're none of us are perfect.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my I love my friends to death, and to me, now I understand why people say like sometimes your own blood is not your you know your own family, like sometimes it's people outside of your own family.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I created a little group of friends that we are just like family because we can go on a few years, a few months without seeing each other in the moment that we see each other.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like it feels like we saw each other just yesterday, you know, and it's been like that since high school, and um I think what I'm trying to say, guys, now is that I'm learning to forgive myself from going through that because I feel like I held myself to a certain expectation, so I held everybody around me to the same expectations.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: I heard people around me for the for for that for those reasons, you know, and now now understanding that I I know that maybe I was also, you know, I took a part in my the failure of my last relationship, uh, my long-term relationship, because um I had so much so much expect expectations because expectations were always needed for me growing up, so I dumped that in my last relationship.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of learned to let that go after that relationship, and then being on this new one that I'm in now, I I kind of wasn't like that, but I did notice that I still have those expectations, and if they were met, it would upset me.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I forgive myself, I always tell myself, like, I forgive yourself for going through that, forgive yourself for allowing it, forgive yourself for even thinking for a bit that you were not good enough because I I grew up thinking that I wasn't good enough for anything, and sure enough, like to this day, guys, my family still judges the way that I dress, and I hate that you know I allow them to make me feel like I can't just express myself in any shape, way, or form of who Sergio is.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: I love fashion.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, maybe there's been some things that don't make sense, or when I was old, you know, younger that you're like, what the hell?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I love dressing up, and you know, especially when I was way way skinnier a few years ago.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um I loved using you know button-up shirts that were like halfway open, and then it's just what made me feel confident and sexy, and my family just never budged, they never like it's just it's always been a problem for them.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's an insecurity within all of them, but they've always tried tearing me down, and I just don't understand why the heck people are like this, even if it's not your own family, because this has been people outside of my family that have judged me, obviously in school, but I never understood why the fuck are people like this?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why does why does it matter what people do around you or or even they're not not even part of your circle?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is it to you who they love, how they act, what they do with their own life, what they put in their own body, if they wear makeup or not, like what is it to people?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why have we normalized to attack people and and bring them down?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when in reality, guys, we're all fucking born to discover ourselves, we're all born to live a journey within ourselves, but we get too damn stuck trying.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I guess, to bring everybody down with with us because we're we're not feeling great with it within ourselves.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: But that was majority of my life, guys.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of it why I never really grew in life was because I always dealt with those insecurities and those voices in the back of my head saying that I'm not good enough.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because my family's not supportive, whether they accept it or not.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: My family is not one bit supportive when it comes to anything that has to do with our dreams or goals.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Why they're like that, I don't know.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: But every time I tried to be something in life, or even tried to become something, it just felt like it was never good enough for my mom.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: It was always something dumb.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Uh even when it was something creative, like she would just shut it down right away.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm some now thinking about it, like I I sometimes wonder if maybe my grandmother was like that with her, where she didn't allow her to be herself and and maybe judged her too, and that's the reason why my mom, you know, escaped and went to get pregnant at a very young age.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who who who knows, you know, what what exactly that is that we do because I know that in my previous long-term relationship, I left home because I didn't want to be there.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew part of me wanted to be in that relationship.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Part of me was I was using it as an escape because it was a fast and easy way out of living with my family.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's probably why you know uh our that relationship failed a little bit.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm not gonna I ain't gonna lie to you guys.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had a lot of love for the person I was with, they were a wonderful person, uh, great heart.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: They just also were as broken as me.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: They had a lot of internal issues that they had to deal with, and I same scenario.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: They had to learn, they have, but I hope they have learned, you know, to accept that family is not always everything.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And their family had always manipulated this person to think that you have to be there for everything when it comes to family, like no matter what.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was an expectation, and you can tell that you know, my ex wasn't happy about it.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can tell that you know he wanted to live his own life, and sometimes even kidn't even live comfortably with me because the moment that we stepped away for like say for the instant, for instance, for holidays or birthdays, and we didn't want to spend it with them, or I didn't want to spend it with them, and I would, you know, ask my partner, hey, I want to go be with my family for this holiday, they wouldn't like it.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: They would start calling him as soon as we know we were here.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, and my moms would start calling him and manipulating him, uh, trying to make him feel bad for being away from his family.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's sad because the mom actually did that with all the sisters.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: She trained all the sisters to be that way, so the sisters would do the same exact thing to my ex-partner.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's what's funny is that my mom actually brought that up once uh during the holidays when I was down here visiting, and she told me why is it that every time that you guys were here, Ricky's family calls him and makes him feel bad uh for being here because she would listen to the conversations, and I would listen to it too, but I tried my best not to I don't know, make it into something else that it shouldn't be, but it was that.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, it all stands back to like it's it's family always manipulating you to to think that you're doing everything wrong if it's not their way, which is the toxic way.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I forgive myself for allowing my family to bring me down that low about myself.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I always say this, and I even say it to my stepdad, and I know he doesn't understand that because someone that doesn't understand the effect that they have done up to people around them would never understand in reality what what is the the root of the issue.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: If my stepdad and I have sat down once before and and he has asked me, like, what is your biggest issue, or what do you think is that why you haven't grown or or you know evolved into the better version of yourself?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I told him the truth.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, you know what, it's because of you guys, it's because you guys are not supportive because you guys are always bringing me down, and you know, of course, his response is always very macho and like shut the hell up, like what does the support have to do with anything?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that's just an excuse for you not to do anything.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: But no, in reality, if you don't have any sort of of support, especially when it comes from your own family, when that's something that you wish, because you see that within a lot of artists, with a lot of people too, where if they have dreams and goals, they are being supportive by their own family to the very end.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: With my family, it's not like that.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: We tear each other down, we talk crap about our dreams, we we make fun about our dreams.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Well, more so than because I have never ever judged any of my family for being themselves, not even for doing their drugs or anything.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have never even talked badly about my family because I refuse to.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: I refuse to.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: I never ever wanted to be that type of person to talk bad about my own family.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Have I gossiped with them about certain people?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of of course, who doesn't?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's what your family's for.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: But that also would come back and bite me in the ass because if I always wanted to come by and you know just release any tension within myself, it would always be turned around and it would be a personal attack towards me.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like for instance, your family's supposed to be someone you entrust in when you have issues with your partner or whatever.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I quickly realized maybe recently and now that I cannot trust my family for nothing.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why I thought that I could trust them with secrets, I don't know.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: But when I was trying to be different, when I started going through this amazing healing journey, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt that if I could if I started sharing, you know, some stuff, because they say that I'm very private, that maybe we would have a closer relationship.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't go that way.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I expressed some things to my parents, and then I quickly realized that my parents would go tell everybody literally about the stuff that I only wanted them to know.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: How I knew that because my stepdad would tell um his daughter, which his daughter lives nowhere near us, you know, lives maybe about a couple hours away from us, but she for some reason she would always find out about problems that I would have with my partner that I would only tell my parents, and then then that was used against me to talk shit about me.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why they're like that, I don't know.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I came to the conclusion that that I cannot trust my family because I would also come to them, you know, about certain situations that would happen in my relationship that I just needed support, you know, some or or just help with.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, when my partner would come around, they were corner him, they would corner him and literally ask him, Why don't you like us?
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: La la la la la.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like stuff that I that I would tell them, and I'll be like, What the fuck?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why would you guys even bring that up?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what makes you guys think it's okay to even bring up anything that's supposed to stay within our family?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's what family is for.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: We're supposed to protect each other, but within our family, we don't protect each other, we we destroy each other.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the reason why I'm very, very, very, very private with my life now.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why I stop posting about my life, why I stopped posting the things that I do, why I stopped telling my family anything, and then now they talk shit and they use that against me and say, Well, now you're fucking private, now you think you're better.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: We don't even know what's going on with your life.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: As it should be.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: This should have happened a long time ago.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because you guys are not anybody I can trust.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like now, guys, that was a struggle that I had in the past with my family.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Having to let go of them and and move on with life and accepting that they are really they're they really are shitty ass people.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: I had I had a hard time to accept it until maybe recently.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm at peace with it.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't care with it's sad to say to it's sad to say this, guys, but now I don't care one bit what's going on with them.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: I love them, yes, but they would always be my family, yes.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I love them and want them far, far, far away from me.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because they have been the very thing why I've never evolved.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: They've been the very thing why I always get into these toxic relationships because I always go for what I think is normal, what I think feels safe for me.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, which is broken people.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: All my relationships that I've been in, guys, all of them, from the very first one from a young age to now.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: I've always gotten with people that are broken, they also have similar issues, like my family, which is being broken and having uh self-insecurity, and and you know, having to tear everybody down around them, like every relationship I have been to today have been just like my family.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I've settled for what feels safe for me, and then now that I'm really really putting in the work, guys, and actually trying to change and be different and think different and not react the way that I used to.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm starting to realize that some of the relationships that I have are really not that great because it's just my comfort zone, and I feel like that's where I came about now, guys.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why I feel like I feel stuck, I feel like I hit a wall, and I don't know how to feel or think anymore.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just how I said in you know the previous episode, how I feel like I just I feel like I came to hit rock bottom, and I don't know what to do anymore.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm usually really good, like I said, in figuring out life and figuring out things, even when I'm going through the most darkest emotions, like I still push through and and move on and you know continue life, and now I have such a hard time being that way.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I think it's because now, in this time of age that I am, my soul requires a different version of myself.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: To find a different way of a different outlet of becoming stronger because the old ways don't work for me anymore.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, in the last few months, guys, I feel like emotionally I've been struggling struggling a lot with a lot of a lot of acceptance, a lot of changes actually.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not with you know just within my environment, not with just my family, but within myself.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think that I have been grieving an old version of me because a lot of the things that I thought were normal, a lot of things that I thought made me happy, um, that doesn't exist anymore.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't satisfy my soul, it doesn't satisfy my life, it doesn't satisfy my calling anymore.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I just came to To the end of a chapter of mine.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I have been grieving, honestly, besides, you know, I did grieve a little bit with my partner, with his family members that he lost, you know, I did grieve a little bit because I do feel like I'm also grieving the partner that I met or that I, you know, was with because he's obviously not the same person anymore because he has lost his mom and his brother.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So he's going through grief.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like I'm just going through this uh roller coaster of emotions of grief of the old life and the old version of myself.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I hate that I you know I didn't realize that till maybe now that I'm going to therapy that that that's what's really going on is that I my souls have going through these changes, and all these people around me are also going through changes, which you know, things are always changing, guys, and if everything around you, and it's just about how we adapt to it, and and you know, a lot of us get stuck in those same habits that we don't make any changes and we just you know continue with life.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like life is forcing me now to change, it's forcing me.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've done mistakes recently that are like okay, you need to get your shit together, you're 35 years old, like what the fuck are you doing?
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't have any support, I don't have any love, guys.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any I don't have anything.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_00: I I I for for myself, you know, for being in a relationship now, guys, I it's very, very lonely.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's very lonely because my partner obviously is dealing with his old stuff, so he tends to pull away from me a lot.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, in the beginning, a couple years ago when his brother first passed away, I had a hard time accepting it, and I think now I'm just so used to moving through life on my own.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've always wanted to be in a relationship uh that my partner and I always motivated each other through everything, through our through our dreams and goals, and just be each other's pillar and be each other's you know uplifting moments, and I feel like I just can't catch that in this relationship.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just can't find it.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can't find it.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's not a priority for my for my partner.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I honestly think that I never thought in my life that I would be this type of person to ever ever ever break up with anybody, but I feel like now I I I'm confident enough that I feel like I can sit down with my current partner and have this conversation about us that I can't continue to accept the bare minimum because that's all it's been given to me all my life from everybody that I supposed to love me.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: They've only given me the bare minimum to just keep me there and comfortable, but you know, they're just there, you know.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, now in a relationship, my out my biggest concern with my partner is always like I need more attention, and I'm not saying like let's be needy or anything, but just like I need I need quality time.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why people now these days, guys, have it fucking mistaken that you just being in the same house is spending time together or even being in the same room because half of the time him and I were across the sofas, not even next to each other, across each other on our cell phones, just doom scrolling per usual, and you know, quote unquote watching a movie, but we're not even watching it.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's not quality time, and I don't think people know or even value what quality time is.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Quality time is actually putting your fucking phone away, watching the movie together, laughing or feeling the emotions of the movie, or even talking with each other, you know.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like that, like none of us have that anymore, not even within our own families.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just nobody knows how to have a normal connection anymore.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's always on the cell phone, it's always comparing, it's always about being better than this person and and and bringing people down, and it's just that's not quality time for me.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: Quality time is just getting to know each other, like heal each other.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm a healer, guys.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been a healer all my life.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love healing people, and and my way of healing is by just loving, and I feel like I just can't be that anymore.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: I can't be that around people, and I think that's why I'm so desperate, guys, to just go out there and be something in life because I know that I can be loved, and I know that I can be loved a lot more outside of my family in this relationship because I've experienced it before when I was living on my own.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've experienced you know the loving and caring side of other people that that don't even know me, guys.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: That don't even know me, even even strangers.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I just it's crazy how I I can never ever be myself around my family.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: But the moment that I am myself outside my family, it's when I gain more confidence, is when I gain more I guess if you want to say respect from people, I I gain more love and and attention.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: What I crave from people from my family, like I actually get it from people, and I don't, you know, do things to get attention either.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: I just I've always told myself to always be myself outside of my family, even though I was always afraid.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: But I know that I can never be that version of Sergio around my family.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: I always have to dummy it down to their level, and I don't like that.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if me just being such a secure and confident person at times that that's just what my family don't like about me, but it's just I'm accepting now that I used to think for a very, very, very, very, very long time, guys, that one of my brothers, which is uh the discipline that I have the most issues with, um, was the black sheep of the family.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: But now I understand that it's it's always been me.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've always been the black sheep of the family, I've always been the one that never fitted in with their freaking expectations and their standards.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because my brothers can literally, guys, burn down a whole fucking city, you know, crash into walls, uh, or you know, mistreat each other or or whatever, and until my mom is it's like, oh my god, like they're my pride and joy.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's very so how she treats them.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: That you know, she's always there for them through their stupid fuck ups.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: And me that I don't even make that much fuck-ups, like I can't even get that request for my mom, I can't even get that type of love and attention.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's always like you need to figure it out, that's your problem.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's always been it's always been that since I was young.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when when I was forced to work at a very young age because to her, she's like, You need to take care of yourself, I can take care of you.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and now thinking back, like I always thought that oh maybe my mom changed this way with me because I don't know, I did something maybe recently, but just thinking back, I feel like my mom as much as she says she's okay with who I am, but she really isn't.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: She really isn't because I feel like the moment that I came out when I was 14 with her, and that's what she was when she forced me to to take care of myself.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you was I was even f I was even you know 15, 16 guys, I was fifty you know underage working and I never had insurance.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: She l she was quick to take me off her insurance the moment that I started working and told me, Oh, you need to you need to get your own insurance.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know what the fuck insurance was to begin with, and I don't even think I was even able to qualify to get my own insurance through my own job because I wasn't even making that much, guys.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at the time when I started working, I think when I was working under the table, because like I was working, you know, when I was 14 and 15, I was getting paid, I want to say like$5 or$4.50 under the table.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I started working for McDonald's, actually making a paycheck, paycheck, you know, legally, I was getting paid like$5.50.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, I like it wasn't much money, but I didn't even know anything about insurance.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: My mom never taught me anything about insurance, but you get sure enough, you know, my brothers were always earning their insurance.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_00: My brothers were actually in her insurance till they were 21.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and now going to therapy.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: I I I I I'm realizing that my mom has never been okay with me with who Sergio is because she comes from a background where you being gay is a disgrace to the family, because that's how my grandma is to this day, you know, she still throws a Bible at me, and I feel like that was just you know triggered down to her, and now she's like that, and as much as she tries or wants to accept it, I don't think she can because now I see why she treated me the way she treated me back in the days, and I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being gay, and a lot of it has to do with what I've said before that her ex-boyfriend was actually someone that molested me.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone she claimed that she loved that that was the love of her life, you know, and I feel like that was hold against me all my life, like a like I did something really bad.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sorry, mom, but it was never my fault.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: I I was young, I didn't even know what sex was to be honest with you.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I hate that this man came into her lives and and and ruined the little sort of relationship that we had.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I I I I remember you as a kid being so loving and caring towards your kids, where you're everything.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the moment I feel like when I came out and actually told her all this, it it it just backfired the way that I didn't expect it to go.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I live with a lot of regret with that to this day, is even speaking up or telling my mom anything.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like if I would have just stayed quiet and just gone to therapy and talked about it, that my mom and I will probably be a lot closer than we are now.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I also understand that as a very young age, I've always understood.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I've always been like a little mature person.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've always knew that I didn't want to carry that with me because I wanted to let it go and move on with life, which I'm happy with it, you know, that that I was able to let it go and and and and and release it.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I did struggle with, you know, with sexual desires be because of this person growing up.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I do live with a lot of regret sometimes, and therapy has been teaching me to forgive myself and let go of every little thing that has happened to me, to forgive every little single person that has hurt me, and most of all to just accept myself for who I am, and honestly, guys, so when I shaved my head, I don't know what it was, but when I shaved my head and now that I'm bald, I feel like I was reborn, I re-rediscovered who I was.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like my confidence came back, and I fucking love myself a lot more.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I asset my love.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, I I asset myself a lot more.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: I love looking myself in the mirror, and I tell myself, now you're so you know, you're so cute, and you know, you're so strong, you're wise, you're smart, you're talented.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like I like I find myself being more supportive within myself.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I became, you know, very confident, and I feel like now that's the reason why a lot of the things that my family does, or even my relationship, doesn't work for me anymore, because it's just I don't care to interact with toxic anymore.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it sucks because I've always dreamed that my family and I would be so close one day and just you know support each other, but it's just it's not that anymore.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of waiting.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 35, I've been waiting 35 years of my life for my family to change, for my family to be different, and it's just it's not like that anymore.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: I get anxiety now to think to even go hang out with my family.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: I get anxiety anxiety just to think that I have to go visit my mom sometimes because my mom doesn't my mom is not pleasant, my mom is not welcoming to when you go to her house.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Every time that I'm there, it seems like I'm not welcomed.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: Every time that I go, everybody's always on edge, everybody hates each other, no one's talking to each other, everybody's walking around mad dogging each other in my mom's house.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my mom, my brother has his little girlfriend living there, and the girlfriend is always mad dogging my mom, which that's another another story that I don't want to get into.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: But for someone to move into the mother in the in-law's house and then act that way is pretty fucking pathetic.
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you're that unhappy, you should be moving out.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of what's going on between me and my mom, I would always defend my mom and love my mom.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter what it is.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: I would never mistreat my mom.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: What I speak about some of the things that she has hurt me about, absolutely.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've tried coming to her and talking to her about you know what I feel and have gone through.
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_00: And she just doesn't care.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't, you know, she doesn't care.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: Her way of of of of dealing with it is we'll deal with it.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I gone through it.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I you know I survived it.
• 37:18
  SPEAKER_00: You should too.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, congratulations.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I see it, and I I admire that for my mom.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: I seen her struggle a lot growing up, and you know, she surpassed it and became you know who she is now, but it also fucked her up.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: It also made her who she is today.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_00: The very mean person that she is today is because she's gone through these things and she never processed them.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and I wish I can change their mentality and helping them accept that they also have internal issues, just like I did.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: But my mom believes, and she's made her other kids believe that there's nothing wrong with them.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: But sure enough, they all four of them, you know, can sit there and and say that there's something wrong with me.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm the issue, that I'm the problem, and I think that's why I'm okay now with not wanting to be around them anymore.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I don't prioritize wanting to go see them anymore.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to spend my birthday with them this past birthday, but you know, my partner somehow forced my entire family to do it, and you know, it was a beautiful moment, but it wasn't who I wanted to spend my birthday with, honestly.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not people I wanted to spend my birthday with.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely not people I want to spend the holidays with anymore.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at peace now with all these changes when it comes to them.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: I just I need a different version of them if I'm gonna be coming around.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: I need it, I need it.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: I need a different version of them, and I don't see it anymore.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's why recently I stopped going in the last few weeks.
• 39:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's because it's always the same thing, the same cycle.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: My brother, the same one that has a girlfriend there, same situation, same girlfriend.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a different person that acts you know the same way, you know.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's always just toxic, and I just can't be around that anymore.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: I just can.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm better than that.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know that I'm better than that, I deserve better, and and and I feel like now I'm very confident and I believe in myself.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_00: I love myself so much.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so confident with myself that I believe that I can actually make it big into something, even if it's with work or or something.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just I feel very confident.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: I trusted myself it more now.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I know now that I don't need anybody, all I need is God.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_00: God to put me through everything.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: God has always been by my side, God has always proven me that I'm capable of things, God has always taken care of me when I would give up on myself.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: So now my priority is just me and God, and wherever He takes me, and I have been letting God guide me through everything, and I feel like things are just starting to fall into place now.
• 40:20
  SPEAKER_00: Alone, but they're falling into place.
• 40:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I've I've learned a lot, guys.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned to love myself, I've learned to forgive myself, and I stop caring about what everybody thinks, or how they're gonna judge me or how they're gonna accept me.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just don't care anymore.
• 40:40
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to be happy.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't give a fuck if I walk like a faggot, or if I walk like a girl, or I walk like a model, or think I'm cute, or whatever.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't care what they think anymore.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: I am definitely handsome.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: I have such a wonderful big heart.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had a big heart.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just never poured it within my family, uh, because I felt like I never needed to prove anything to them when it came to that, because I spent some time of my life trying to prove that with them, and it just never worked.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I just don't care to prove myself now, you know what I mean?
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I wished they do the same thing.
• 41:14
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like if my brothers were the same way, they would also be uh, you know, a lot successful, as well as myself, and you know, and I and I wish you know that my mom is able to work through that too, and I hope that one day we're already able to all work with through it together and then we can all just be just a united happy family.
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_00: But as of right now, I need my space.
• 41:35
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be the fuck away from them.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: I need to focus on myself.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be showing up for everybody anymore.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to be there for everybody's fucking birthday, I don't want to be there for every fucking holiday because no one ever shows up for me like that.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_00: I struggle through life.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've came to them recently in the last few years about things that I was going through, and basically I was just pushed to this.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't need and I was told that I I need to just figure it out.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have the support, and you know, I want to learn to accept that, and it doesn't change my heart with them.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love them, and I will jump in you know in a heartbeat for them.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's just Sergio's priority now.
• 42:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sergio's confidence is priority, Sorjo's I'm sorry, Sergio's dreams are priority now, and that's where we're heading to, guys.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like a lot of good things are happening behind the scenes, you know, things that I've kept to myself privately, and I feel like things are just lining up to how God wants it to be, and I feel like God is putting me in situations to help me grow and mature, and even though I got stuck in the past, you know, thinking like, oh my god, poor me, I'm going through this again.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm starting to see it differently and actually make it a positive thing, you know.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I wish that for everybody, and just forgive, forgive yourself, guys.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to forgive yourself and take it easy on yourself, and and just if you need to, guys, separate yourself from your family.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, it would be the best thing for you, and it will help you mature, and you will feel so much at peace that you would just not want to be around them anymore.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: You would just want to stay home, and that's just who I am now.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, guys, learn to love yourself, learn to accept yourselves, learn to just let go of old habits and old ways and old people, and just shoot for the stars, guys.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: Shoot for the starts because the sky is the limit.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you guys so much, guys, and I'll see you guys in the next episode.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.