Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 336. Painful In-Laws and How to Deal with Them

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336. Painful In-Laws and How to Deal with Them · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:02
Speaker 1: A listener production method. After the town, Why am I
0:08
Speaker 1: jealous of my ex? Iron stoves bruits.
0:11
Speaker 2: All of us?
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Speaker 1: How do I get into a routine? Is kicktoks making
0:14
Speaker 1: me anxious? I think I'm being manipulated. Someone told me
0:17
Speaker 1: you could live with half a brain. This is due
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Speaker 1: your fucking mind. Mindset Hacks for a Badass Life hosted
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Speaker 1: by me Alexis Fernandez. Hello, everyone, and welcome to today's episode.
0:29
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we're going to be covering a
0:32
Speaker 1: topic that I could probably revisit a thousand times over,
0:38
Speaker 1: and this is dealing with painful in laws. And when
0:42
Speaker 1: I talk about in laws, I'm talking about the whole
0:45
Speaker 1: group of them. Okay, so I'm talking about mother in law's,
0:49
Speaker 1: father in law's, sisters in laws, brothers in laws, the
0:52
Speaker 1: whole group. There. I've got situations where people have written
0:56
Speaker 1: to me talking about the entire family, hating on them
0:59
Speaker 1: for a reason. People getting involved with people's relationships. Dealing
1:03
Speaker 1: with in laws is just such a big thing. And
1:07
Speaker 1: also there's two ways of dealing with in laws. There's
1:11
Speaker 1: the in laws in the sense of I am feeling
1:15
Speaker 1: like I'm entering your family and I feel like I'm
1:18
Speaker 1: the outsider kind of situation. And then there's also the
1:22
Speaker 1: in laws, as in my partner, I mean, my siblings
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Speaker 1: are dating someone and their partners are kind of coming
1:28
Speaker 1: in and being a certain way. So there's the people
1:31
Speaker 1: that are entering your family you're already really close with,
1:34
Speaker 1: and then there's situations where you are the one who's
1:36
Speaker 1: entering another family and you're having issues with your partner's
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Speaker 1: family directly. But regardless of the situation, I think it's
1:45
Speaker 1: so impossible to gain as many tools as possible to
1:49
Speaker 1: deal with your in laws in a way that makes
1:53
Speaker 1: your life easier and calmer and more carefree and happier.
1:59
Speaker 1: I'm going to be going through a few scenarios that
2:01
Speaker 1: people have written in about dealing with painful in laws,
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Speaker 1: and there's a common theme that I'm going to say,
2:08
Speaker 1: and I'll hit on this a little bit later in
2:10
Speaker 1: the episode as well, but there's a common theme with
2:12
Speaker 1: most people who have issues with their in laws, and
2:15
Speaker 1: that is that they their expectations. Your expectations are too
2:21
Speaker 1: high off these situations. We expect for something to go
2:27
Speaker 1: so smoothly, and we want to have all these friendships
2:31
Speaker 1: and whatever, and we want and so because it's not happening.
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Speaker 1: And because this person's not giving you what you would
2:35
Speaker 1: have wanted in an ideal world as being your in law,
2:39
Speaker 1: you suffer and you suffer, and you suffer, and you're
2:41
Speaker 1: trying to change somebody when you have no control over
2:45
Speaker 1: that person, even less control over someone who may not
2:48
Speaker 1: really like you or may not even mesh with you. You
2:51
Speaker 1: have And the reason I say even let's control because
2:53
Speaker 1: you have minimal influence over these people. It's not like
2:56
Speaker 1: it's your partner who even though you don't have your
2:58
Speaker 1: control over your partner, you normally can work together on things,
3:01
Speaker 1: you can try and motivate each other. Like there, you
3:04
Speaker 1: have some level of influence. But when we're talking about
3:07
Speaker 1: in laws, often not always, but often minimal influence, zero
3:11
Speaker 1: control over these people. But you still have these expectations
3:14
Speaker 1: of what you want it to be like. And because
3:16
Speaker 1: those expectations aren't being met, you are constantly constantly letting
3:20
Speaker 1: yourself down. So before I go into these scenarios, I
3:23
Speaker 1: want to reiterate number one one of the most important
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Speaker 1: things you need to do when it comes to in laws,
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Speaker 1: and I'll give you more empowering things to do as well.
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Speaker 1: Because this sounds like it's not empowering, but trust me,
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Speaker 1: it is. Is to lower and get really good at
3:38
Speaker 1: managing your expectations. You've got to get so fucking good
3:41
Speaker 1: at managing your expectations and lowering them lower lower, lower,
3:44
Speaker 1: lower lower. You will be surprised as at how happy
3:49
Speaker 1: you can be when you let go of something that
3:51
Speaker 1: you can't control anyway. And I'm going to go into
3:54
Speaker 1: detail as I go through these scenarios that I'm going
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Speaker 1: to read out. I've got some great ones sent through,
4:00
Speaker 1: and I just think it's it's important to pretty much
4:03
Speaker 1: base an entire episode on the concept of, you know,
4:07
Speaker 1: dealing with painful in laws. Let's start okay, First one, alexis,
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Speaker 1: I've got two sisters in law that constantly post things
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Speaker 1: to intentionally hurt me. They know I see the stuff
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Speaker 1: they write. They love and comment on all their teenagers, slash,
4:28
Speaker 1: family functions, anything that happens in their lives. I'm guessing
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Speaker 1: this is like on social media and stuff, and maybe
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Speaker 1: in person. This is my husband's sister and my husband's
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Speaker 1: brother's wife, so both of them are obviously doing the
4:41
Speaker 1: same behavior. They will never comment or say anything nice
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Speaker 1: when my husband posts something they in fact ignore everything.
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Speaker 1: We live in Australia, they live in South Africa. We
4:51
Speaker 1: had a huge fallout. I've tried to make things right,
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Speaker 1: but no one took ownership on their part. Basically, they
4:59
Speaker 1: intenly banter on Facebook about how much they love each other,
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Speaker 1: and my one sister in law, not my husband's sister,
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Speaker 1: the other one often says things like we miss you
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Speaker 1: to my husband so much. My husband doesn't want to
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Speaker 1: cause drama with his brother. They have a very close relationship,
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Speaker 1: and he says it's just not worth it. He's fucking right,
5:19
Speaker 1: it is not worth it. How do I deal with
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Speaker 1: these women that constantly tried to hurt me. I've tried,
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Speaker 1: and every time I tried to text or send a
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Speaker 1: nice message, I land up or I end up feeling
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Speaker 1: so worthless and awful. You would think living on the
5:33
Speaker 1: other side of the world would make it easier, but
5:35
Speaker 1: it's still so hard and nasty. Sending love you make
5:39
Speaker 1: me laugh so much and I adore everything you have
5:41
Speaker 1: to say. So grateful for you. Okay, great, great, great,
5:46
Speaker 1: This is a great question because there's so many people
5:49
Speaker 1: listening right now that are in that boat. Ignorance is
5:52
Speaker 1: bliss when it comes to this shit. If I were you,
5:55
Speaker 1: I would I don't know if you can do this.
5:57
Speaker 1: You definitely do it on Instagram. I'm not sure how
5:59
Speaker 1: this works on like Facebook or whatever. Mute. Don't block
6:02
Speaker 1: them because they're family, but mute them. I don't need
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Speaker 1: to see your shit. I don't need to see what
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Speaker 1: you write. We are obviously not friends. Don't force a
6:10
Speaker 1: fucking friendship if the friendship isn't there. Do you know
6:12
Speaker 1: what a friendship is? Mutual? Okay, fucking mutual. These clowns
6:17
Speaker 1: are not interested in a friendship, otherwise they would be
6:20
Speaker 1: treating you completely differently the way they are treating you USUS.
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Speaker 1: How a friend treats you world's apart. Are you going
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Speaker 1: to then let it affect you? Hopefully not? And this
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Speaker 1: is what I'm here to talk to you about. Okay,
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Speaker 1: First you've got to identify are they actually wanting a friendship?
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Speaker 1: No is the answer. Now, Can I do anything about
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Speaker 1: it as far as changing their mind? No, because you
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Speaker 1: can't control another person's behaviors. Am I going to now
6:42
Speaker 1: let this ruin me? Given that I have no control
6:45
Speaker 1: over this situation? Hopefully the answer is no. So instead,
6:50
Speaker 1: what I would personally do is if you guys want
6:52
Speaker 1: to carry on like pork chops, be my guest, but
6:55
Speaker 1: not in front of like I'm not interested. You'll be
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Speaker 1: amazed when you start operating at a different People call
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Speaker 1: it vibration or vibe or energy. However you want to
7:06
Speaker 1: refer to it as when you start operating in a
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Speaker 1: different energy, when you start thinking, I'm not gonna let
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Speaker 1: this shit bring me down, I'm actually not really interested.
7:14
Speaker 1: If I really zoom out and look at the bigger picture,
7:16
Speaker 1: you guys are acting like high schoolers and like, congratulations
7:19
Speaker 1: if that's what fucking cranks your tractor. But I'm not
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Speaker 1: really engaging, nor am I interested. I've been and done
7:26
Speaker 1: that in my youth. I don't need to do that anymore. Okay,
7:30
Speaker 1: I was ten doing that shit. So me personally, if
7:34
Speaker 1: I was to ever see people behaving in that way
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Speaker 1: trying to piss me off, I'd be like, if you
7:39
Speaker 1: want to exclude me, I'm the last person to stand
7:42
Speaker 1: in someone's way of excluding me. I will make it
7:45
Speaker 1: so easy for someone to exclude me because I will
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Speaker 1: be like a thief in the night. You won't see me. Okay,
7:53
Speaker 1: whether you're you could be my I mean, my sister
7:55
Speaker 1: would never do this to me. I love stephan Is
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Speaker 1: so much. But even if I sister do this to me, O,
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Speaker 1: don'tkay how close you are. If you are trying to
8:02
Speaker 1: a not be my friend, but be trying to exclude
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Speaker 1: me and make me feel excluded, I'm not go for it.
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Speaker 1: Go for it. So if I were you, I would
8:12
Speaker 1: absolutely not engage. I also wouldn't be talking to them
8:15
Speaker 1: about it. You are literally begging for crumbs for someone
8:17
Speaker 1: who's not even willing to give you, like a pittance.
8:20
Speaker 1: They're not even willing to give you anything. They are
8:23
Speaker 1: trying to They they're entertained. They don't respect you. They
8:27
Speaker 1: find it entertaining. And whether they do it, you know,
8:31
Speaker 1: without even talking discussing it between the two of them,
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Speaker 1: whether they do it intentionally or whether it's just their vibe,
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Speaker 1: they don't have respect. So, knowing what you know, and
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Speaker 1: you know this stuff, I don't need to tell you
8:43
Speaker 1: know this stuff. But you're just trying to change a
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Speaker 1: situation that you can't change. But let's bring the awareness
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Speaker 1: to what's actually happening. Knowing what you know, now, do
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Speaker 1: you really want a friendship with these people like does
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Speaker 1: it really matter? And it's a blessing that they're in
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Speaker 1: another country and you barely have to see them. And
9:00
Speaker 1: it works even better because it doesn't even interfere with
9:02
Speaker 1: your husband's relationship with his siblings. Like perfect, he can
9:06
Speaker 1: still have a great relationship with his siblings. You're not
9:09
Speaker 1: going to stand in the way of that. Absolutely not.
9:11
Speaker 1: If you then get together as a family, you're going
9:13
Speaker 1: to go happily because you like, you know, doing things
9:17
Speaker 1: with your husband. So you're going to go to these
9:19
Speaker 1: family things. You're going to be the nice person that
9:20
Speaker 1: you are, but you're going to have absolutely zero expectations
9:23
Speaker 1: for people that don't respect me and that don't especially
9:27
Speaker 1: when I've respected them. It would be different if I
9:29
Speaker 1: was an asshole and then I was, you know, suffering
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Speaker 1: the consequences of my poor actions. But if I've always
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Speaker 1: been respectful to someone and someone just doesn't like me
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Speaker 1: or doesn't respect me back, it makes it so easy
9:38
Speaker 1: for me, so easy because I have to give nothing
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Speaker 1: and my expectations are rock bottom. I expect nothing from
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Speaker 1: those people. Do I hate them? Am I angry? No?
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Speaker 1: Because that requires energy, it requires me caring. Okay, this
9:53
Speaker 1: is a very simple You can simplify this situation a lot.
9:56
Speaker 1: It sounds complicated, very simple. We don't align, there's no respect,
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Speaker 1: they don't want a friendship, and I can't control them.
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Speaker 1: So what I'm going to do is I'm going to
10:03
Speaker 1: step the fuck away from this situation, remove myself from
10:06
Speaker 1: the situation. I'm not going to look at any for comments.
10:08
Speaker 1: I don't know if you can mute, but I would
10:09
Speaker 1: go ahead and mute it. It's not in my awareness. Okay,
10:14
Speaker 1: put it this way, before you met your husband, these
10:16
Speaker 1: you didn't even know these people existed. Okay, they never
10:19
Speaker 1: even affected you. They could be having this banter and
10:21
Speaker 1: you didn't even know that they fucking existed. So why
10:23
Speaker 1: you now just because I know you're obviously they're you know,
10:27
Speaker 1: ideally you'd like it to be a family thing, but
10:29
Speaker 1: it's not going to happen. It's not going to fucking happen.
10:31
Speaker 1: And if there is a chance, if there was a
10:35
Speaker 1: scaic of an opportunity for these people to turn around
10:39
Speaker 1: and decide to be nice and be your friend, I
10:41
Speaker 1: can guarantee you you begging and pleading and this, and
10:43
Speaker 1: that that's not going to change it. Because the dynamic
10:46
Speaker 1: is I'm begging for you to be nice to me.
10:48
Speaker 1: I really wish you'd be nice to be This is
10:50
Speaker 1: really upsetting minister, and for them it's like this is entertainment.
10:52
Speaker 1: That dynamic would never change. The only way the dynamic
10:55
Speaker 1: could change if if it did. But don't have your
10:57
Speaker 1: hopes up, is if you completely removed your didn't engage.
11:01
Speaker 1: Was never disrespectful. But I'm not engaging. I'm not giving
11:04
Speaker 1: any attention. If anything, I'm not even going to be
11:06
Speaker 1: aware of what's being said behind my back because I'm
11:08
Speaker 1: that tuned out and I'm shifting my focus onto things
11:11
Speaker 1: that I actually like doing that they will a get
11:15
Speaker 1: over it, be eventually mature. This is all best case scenario.
11:19
Speaker 1: Get over it. They'll mature, and then they will start
11:22
Speaker 1: to if they're not too proud, maybe apologize, and if
11:25
Speaker 1: they are proud, they will start to reach out and
11:28
Speaker 1: try and have some semblance of a normal relationship with
11:31
Speaker 1: their in law. Who is you. That's what I would do. Okay,
11:36
Speaker 1: as far as trying to fix it, there's nothing to fix.
11:38
Speaker 1: Nothing's broken. They're choosing to behave their way. They're behaving.
11:41
Speaker 1: That is a choice, and you are trying to mention
11:44
Speaker 1: something that's not actually broken. Okay, so back the fuck
11:48
Speaker 1: away is what I would personally do. One hundred percent
11:51
Speaker 1: I would do it, And I'm sure your husband said
11:54
Speaker 1: it's not worth it. It's so his spot on with
11:56
Speaker 1: this one. Not worth it. I would not fucking be Look,
12:00
Speaker 1: I don't know how old you are, but at no age.
12:02
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're technically a child under the age
12:05
Speaker 1: of eighteen, I can kind of understand it a bit more.
12:07
Speaker 1: But apart from that, not a fucking chance would I
12:11
Speaker 1: be giving a sceric of attention to people who would
12:14
Speaker 1: do that to me. A bo wouldn't be interested. I'm
12:19
Speaker 1: just not interested. And it's not even like I'm bored. Basically,
12:23
Speaker 1: just be bored. Be bored if they're shit, and watch
12:25
Speaker 1: how your attention just switches to something more meaningful. But
12:29
Speaker 1: great question because a lot of people are in that position.
12:32
Speaker 1: Next one, alexis, I loved your episode on narcissistic in laws.
12:36
Speaker 1: You absolutely nailed my mother in law. My husband and
12:39
Speaker 1: I have no problem not taking the bait, not engaging, etc.
12:44
Speaker 1: Where we struggle is our reputation with the rest of
12:47
Speaker 1: his family, including his dad and sister. Mother in law
12:51
Speaker 1: still lies and tells the family we do things that
12:54
Speaker 1: we don't do, and then we have to defend ourselves
12:57
Speaker 1: with them. It's exhausting and they're not seeing that but
13:00
Speaker 1: that the mother in law is a narcissist, slash liar manipulator,
13:04
Speaker 1: So we just keep having to repeat the same things.
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Speaker 1: Do you have any advice for that? I mean, I'm
13:09
Speaker 1: fine ignoring them too, because although they're not narcissists, they
13:12
Speaker 1: are toxic in different ways. But how do we go
13:14
Speaker 1: about dealing with the rest of the family that keeps
13:16
Speaker 1: believing the narcissist, especially for my husband who wants to
13:19
Speaker 1: maintain a relationship with his dad. Okay, great question. Great question,
13:25
Speaker 1: because that's one thing that narcissists have so much leverage on.
13:30
Speaker 1: Narcissists leverage is I am going to hurt your reputation,
13:35
Speaker 1: and because that is a threat, you are going to
13:39
Speaker 1: try and please me so I don't talk shit about
13:41
Speaker 1: you to other people. Okay. This is really really common
13:45
Speaker 1: with any kind of narcissist in romantic relationships as well
13:49
Speaker 1: in obviously within laws, so that that is her leverage.
13:53
Speaker 1: She's using that against you, so she still has you
13:57
Speaker 1: by the balls. The first thing to think about is
14:03
Speaker 1: and I'm going to address how to deal with the
14:04
Speaker 1: father and all of that, because that is important. I'm
14:06
Speaker 1: not going to say ignore it altogether. But the first
14:08
Speaker 1: thing that you want to really try and make peace
14:11
Speaker 1: with the idea is that there will be some level
14:16
Speaker 1: of fallout with rumors being spread about you, things being said,
14:21
Speaker 1: and some people may be believing things because again, unfortunately,
14:26
Speaker 1: you cannot control what other people say about you, what
14:29
Speaker 1: they think about you, how they behave, how they choose
14:32
Speaker 1: to act around you. You can't control that. All you
14:35
Speaker 1: can control is your behavior, your actions, your emotions, all
14:38
Speaker 1: of that. So given that all you can really do
14:42
Speaker 1: is keep being the good person that you are, eventually, eventually,
14:46
Speaker 1: eventually what will happen, but you don't want to wait
14:49
Speaker 1: years for this, but what will happen is that eventually
14:51
Speaker 1: those people will start to also fall victim to this
14:54
Speaker 1: narcissist at some point and they're going to be like, whoa,
14:58
Speaker 1: and they're going to realize, Wow, all these other things
15:00
Speaker 1: must have been lies as well. That's what's going to
15:02
Speaker 1: happen eventually. It always does. It always comes crumbling down
15:05
Speaker 1: at one point. But in the meantime, what I would
15:08
Speaker 1: do is I would speak to the family, and after
15:12
Speaker 1: you speak to them and say this one thing, there's
15:14
Speaker 1: really not much else you can do. Again, you have
15:16
Speaker 1: to always come to terms with the fact that people
15:20
Speaker 1: are going to believe what they're going to believe. People
15:22
Speaker 1: are going to be brainwashed by the people that they've
15:25
Speaker 1: been brainwashed by, and I can't do anything to stop that.
15:29
Speaker 1: But I would speak to the family and say, my
15:31
Speaker 1: relationship with this person, the mother in law, is not
15:35
Speaker 1: the same as the one that you have. I'm not
15:37
Speaker 1: going to go into detail about it, but what I
15:39
Speaker 1: can say is that there is no way that this
15:41
Speaker 1: person can be spreading rumors or anything about me because
15:44
Speaker 1: I'm not disclosing any information. I don't have a close
15:46
Speaker 1: relationship with this person, so anything they are saying about
15:49
Speaker 1: me can not be the truth. Because I don't really
15:52
Speaker 1: have a relationship with that person. Where are they getting
15:54
Speaker 1: this information on And because they don't really like me,
15:57
Speaker 1: they're basing it through a very biased lens. So if
16:00
Speaker 1: you choose to believe that person, I'm not going to
16:01
Speaker 1: stand in your way. I'm not trying to interfere with
16:04
Speaker 1: your relationship with her. But what I am going to
16:06
Speaker 1: say is do not bring whatever you talk about into
16:10
Speaker 1: my relationship between the two of us. Okay, if you
16:13
Speaker 1: want to go and bitch about me behind my back
16:15
Speaker 1: with mum or our mother in law, I can't stop you.
16:20
Speaker 1: But what I can say is any information that she's
16:22
Speaker 1: saying and bringing to the party, I'm I'm not sure
16:24
Speaker 1: where she's fucking getting it from, because we don't really
16:26
Speaker 1: have a relationship with her, or at least nothing like
16:29
Speaker 1: the one that you have with her. So at the
16:31
Speaker 1: very least, for the sake of our relationship, let's keep
16:33
Speaker 1: our relationship about us and you keep your relationship with
16:36
Speaker 1: her about you. Guys, And if you want a bitch
16:39
Speaker 1: about me, nothing I can do about it. But I'd
16:41
Speaker 1: never do that to you, okay. And I would say
16:44
Speaker 1: that to the father, and I would say that to
16:45
Speaker 1: the siblings. So you're not saying she's fuck, she's a liar,
16:48
Speaker 1: she's this, she's that, she's all right, just say I'm
16:50
Speaker 1: not sure where she's getting that information from. But I
16:51
Speaker 1: can tell you right now that you know I want
16:54
Speaker 1: you to base your ideas of us on the quality
16:58
Speaker 1: of our relationship. Don't be based on what other people
17:01
Speaker 1: are saying, Whether it's her, whether it's a random you've
17:04
Speaker 1: just met on the street, whether it's your fucking dog. Okay,
17:06
Speaker 1: I that is how our relationship should should go, especially
17:11
Speaker 1: when we don't have a relationship with her anymore, or
17:13
Speaker 1: when it's a very very you know, strained and stressed
17:17
Speaker 1: and not close relationship. That is how I would put it.
17:21
Speaker 1: And then it is up to them. It is up
17:23
Speaker 1: to them because you say kindly, you say it with care.
17:28
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, if your husband's
17:32
Speaker 1: father is choosing to side with the mother again and
17:36
Speaker 1: again and believing what she has to say over his
17:38
Speaker 1: own son, that speaks volumes about the father. And if
17:43
Speaker 1: your husband can't have a close relationship with his father
17:46
Speaker 1: because his father is choosing to believe someone else time,
17:50
Speaker 1: whether it's I don't care who it is, I don't
17:51
Speaker 1: care how close that other person is, but time and
17:53
Speaker 1: time and time again without giving his own son a chance,
17:56
Speaker 1: then that's a reflection on him that falls on him
18:00
Speaker 1: the end of the day. You have to be responsible
18:02
Speaker 1: for your own behaviors, and the father, your father in law,
18:06
Speaker 1: has to at some point be his own person and
18:09
Speaker 1: make his own decision. You fucking make your bed and
18:12
Speaker 1: you lie in it. And if he wants to be
18:14
Speaker 1: believing your husband's mother again and again and again over
18:18
Speaker 1: his own child, then he is going to suffer the
18:20
Speaker 1: consequences of that with a cracked relationship with his own son,
18:24
Speaker 1: which is really sad. But I would have that talk first,
18:26
Speaker 1: and I would say, you know what, I'm not going
18:28
Speaker 1: to stand in the way with this relationship. I actually
18:29
Speaker 1: want nothing to do with your relationship with her. But
18:31
Speaker 1: what I will say is that, please, from now on,
18:33
Speaker 1: just base our relationship on our interactions, not what other
18:37
Speaker 1: people say, because it's I can tell you that the
18:39
Speaker 1: most accurate version of me is the one that you're
18:42
Speaker 1: going to get directly from me, not from what other
18:44
Speaker 1: people say. End of story, And you can apply that
18:46
Speaker 1: to so many other relationships in your life.
18:48
Speaker 2: Can I just say who range next question?
19:06
Speaker 1: This one's titled ameshed Family. Hi, Alexis, I'd like some
19:11
Speaker 1: advice on how to coexist with in laws that are
19:13
Speaker 1: toxically close and some of them do not like me.
19:17
Speaker 1: I listen to your pod on how to deal with
19:18
Speaker 1: narcissistic in laws, and I've identified maybe three in my
19:22
Speaker 1: in law's family. In addition to this, I believe my
19:25
Speaker 1: husband's family are ameshed. They seem to be overly interested
19:29
Speaker 1: in what my husband and I are doing and express
19:31
Speaker 1: opinions on how we raise our children. The mother in
19:33
Speaker 1: law has told people to stay away from me because
19:36
Speaker 1: of my domineering personality. She's horrible to our children and
19:39
Speaker 1: refers to them as spoilt brats. My husband comes from
19:42
Speaker 1: a family of six siblings. He's the only one with children.
19:45
Speaker 1: I don't have family around. My husband is supportive and
19:48
Speaker 1: aware of some issues in the family. I wonder if
19:50
Speaker 1: you have any advice on coexisting with them. Look if
19:54
Speaker 1: this look. One thing that's great in your favor is
19:56
Speaker 1: that your husband sees it, understands it it is, and
20:01
Speaker 1: is willing to talk to you about it. That's huge, Okay,
20:05
Speaker 1: because you're saying it's supportive and a way that there
20:08
Speaker 1: are issues in the family. So it's really important that
20:11
Speaker 1: you have conversations with your husband about this because ultimately,
20:16
Speaker 1: and this comes down with any in law. Before I
20:20
Speaker 1: delve into what I want to say about this, this
20:23
Speaker 1: is the only reason these in laws are in your
20:27
Speaker 1: life is because you are with your husband, right The
20:31
Speaker 1: only reason you ever have to deal with these people ever,
20:33
Speaker 1: is because of your partner. So I think it's extremely
20:36
Speaker 1: important when there are issues between you and your partner's
20:40
Speaker 1: family that your partner be invested in the outcome and
20:44
Speaker 1: they listen to you and they help. There's nothing worse.
20:47
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying because your husband's the opposite of this,
20:49
Speaker 1: so this is great. But for people playing at home,
20:51
Speaker 1: there is nothing worse that when a partner's like, I'm
20:54
Speaker 1: not getting involved. I'm not getting involved. It's your vocal problems.
20:56
Speaker 1: It's like, caun't get involved because I wouldn't have to
20:59
Speaker 1: see these people faces if it wasn't for you. You
21:01
Speaker 1: are the fucking common denominator. So you either get involved
21:05
Speaker 1: or this is just going to blow up in everyone's face,
21:08
Speaker 1: and either our relationship is going to suffer or your
21:10
Speaker 1: relationship with your family's going to suffer. And I'm trying
21:12
Speaker 1: to do something about it. Okay, so help me help
21:15
Speaker 1: you basically, because this wouldn't exist if you didn't exist. Okay.
21:20
Speaker 1: So if Tyrone had a problem with my family, there's
21:22
Speaker 1: no way in the world I would say, sorted out yourselves.
21:25
Speaker 1: I would be like, all right, how can I you know?
21:29
Speaker 1: I know both parties so well how can I help
21:31
Speaker 1: in this situation. That's what I personally would do, So
21:34
Speaker 1: I would speak to your husband about this, and I
21:37
Speaker 1: would say, listen, I feel like there are situations where
21:41
Speaker 1: your family is crossing a line. Correct me if I'm wrong,
21:45
Speaker 1: stop me if you think I'm talking shit, But and
21:49
Speaker 1: then continue, you know, allow your partner to intervene. Say
21:53
Speaker 1: at any point, intervene if you think that what I'm
21:55
Speaker 1: saying is bullshit. But I feel that there's this sense
22:00
Speaker 1: off X y Z, and you just say everything to
22:02
Speaker 1: your partner, and then your partner and then say do
22:05
Speaker 1: you agree or do you disagree? You know, really make
22:07
Speaker 1: it a conversation. Don't be like I'm blowing up because
22:09
Speaker 1: of all this shit. Just say I want to get
22:12
Speaker 1: on the same page with you, or at the very least,
22:14
Speaker 1: I want you to see where I'm coming from and
22:16
Speaker 1: see how I'm feeling about this situation. But I find
22:20
Speaker 1: it really interesting that the family is ameshed, but also
22:26
Speaker 1: that she's horrible to that your mother in law's horrible
22:28
Speaker 1: to your children, Like the math isn't mathing, you know,
22:32
Speaker 1: So she's super close with her son, but not close
22:35
Speaker 1: with her son's kids, Like it's really obviously a very
22:39
Speaker 1: toxic environment. So I would basically say to your husband, look,
22:43
Speaker 1: from now on, we need to have some strict boundaries
22:47
Speaker 1: between your parents. For example, you've got to say to
22:50
Speaker 1: your mum, from now on, we don't appreciate you lecturing
22:54
Speaker 1: us how to parent our children in the future. If
22:56
Speaker 1: you do that, then we're not going to come over
22:58
Speaker 1: as often, or we're going to you know, we'll leave
22:59
Speaker 1: a bit earlier because it makes us feel uncomfortable because
23:02
Speaker 1: you're not doing an in a productive way. You're doing
23:04
Speaker 1: in a very judgmental way, and you've said some hurtful
23:06
Speaker 1: things about us. If you want to give us advice,
23:08
Speaker 1: say hey, I've got some advice. Maybe have you tried this,
23:10
Speaker 1: But to lecture us and to say it in this way,
23:12
Speaker 1: it's not really helpful, and it's actually quite hurtful. And
23:16
Speaker 1: then if that actually happens, follow through with the consequence
23:19
Speaker 1: and be like, all right, we're actually going to go
23:21
Speaker 1: Now this has become uncomfortable, we're not, you know, enjoying
23:23
Speaker 1: our family time here by we're going to walk away. Okay.
23:26
Speaker 1: So I think it's really really crucial that you are
23:29
Speaker 1: able to have that conversation and then follow through with
23:33
Speaker 1: the consequence. But yeah, I just feel like, you know,
23:40
Speaker 1: the fact that your husband is supportive and aware is
23:42
Speaker 1: a major, major, major, major tick for you because a
23:46
Speaker 1: lot of the time, some people are going to be
23:47
Speaker 1: like their partner's not going to see it at all,
23:49
Speaker 1: and they're not going to that they just don't get it.
23:51
Speaker 1: So I think you want to get your husband really
23:53
Speaker 1: seeing your side of it, and you want to ask
23:55
Speaker 1: your husband, how is this for you? Do you see
23:58
Speaker 1: it the same way I see it? Do you? Because
24:00
Speaker 1: you want to get as much intel into your husband's
24:03
Speaker 1: perspective of the situation as well, because you're a team
24:05
Speaker 1: with your husband. You guys are the team, and ideally,
24:09
Speaker 1: in a peachy, ideal world, everyone would all be one big,
24:13
Speaker 1: happy family and that'd be respect But unfortunately, in this situation,
24:17
Speaker 1: the team is you and him. That's your immediate family now,
24:20
Speaker 1: and if other families are trying to come in and
24:23
Speaker 1: break it apart and all of that, that's going to
24:25
Speaker 1: cause an issue. So you need to have a really
24:27
Speaker 1: good understanding of how your husband perceives this because it
24:30
Speaker 1: is his mother and it is his family that we're
24:32
Speaker 1: talking about, So you need to really let him help
24:35
Speaker 1: drive this thing as well if he wants to see
24:38
Speaker 1: it improved. Okay, Last one, I need help for giving
24:45
Speaker 1: my mother in law and moving on from the past.
24:49
Speaker 1: This is juicy already. My fiance and I have been
24:52
Speaker 1: together for three years now. A year into our relationship,
24:55
Speaker 1: he went through quite a difficult time. His best mates
24:59
Speaker 1: and business partner were bullying him, gaslighting him, and stealing
25:02
Speaker 1: from the company. Before he could see all of that.
25:06
Speaker 1: Before he could see all that for what it was,
25:09
Speaker 1: he started to withdraw and become really depressed and suicidal.
25:13
Speaker 1: Everyone around him, his friends and his family started to
25:17
Speaker 1: blame me for what he was going through, and his
25:19
Speaker 1: business partners even turned his mum against me. It was
25:23
Speaker 1: awful how I was treated by his family during this time,
25:26
Speaker 1: when all I was trying to do was support him. Eventually,
25:29
Speaker 1: he resigned and it all came out that they were
25:31
Speaker 1: the ones causing his depression and bullying him, and he
25:34
Speaker 1: instantly went back to his old self, very glad to
25:37
Speaker 1: hear that. Since then, a lot has come out about
25:40
Speaker 1: how he was being treated, and his mum and family
25:43
Speaker 1: now understand I wasn't at fault. It's been almost a
25:46
Speaker 1: year now and we have never spoken about it openly
25:49
Speaker 1: because his mum does not like confrontation. I need to
25:52
Speaker 1: talk about things in order to move on. So I
25:55
Speaker 1: still feel like this situation is unresolved because I never
25:58
Speaker 1: got an apology from her. How do I move on
26:00
Speaker 1: and trust his mum again? I cannot let go of
26:03
Speaker 1: the past and the hurt this woman caused, and it's
26:06
Speaker 1: driving me crazy. I need to move on, but I
26:08
Speaker 1: can't seem to let go. Okay, first, I'm going to
26:11
Speaker 1: address something. It says, how do I move on and
26:14
Speaker 1: trust his mum again? Personally? Why do you have to
26:20
Speaker 1: trust her again? Trust? And I'm not saying be he
26:24
Speaker 1: with like eyes on the back of your head. She's
26:25
Speaker 1: going to fucking you know, shank you at some point.
26:27
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is I am more than happy
26:33
Speaker 1: to restore my trust in somebody if their actions are
26:40
Speaker 1: really promising and approving something to me right happily. And
26:46
Speaker 1: I've done that before. I've had my trust broken in
26:48
Speaker 1: the past and then I've given the trust back and
26:51
Speaker 1: it's worked out great because I've seen change in somebody.
26:54
Speaker 1: And I'm not just talking about romantically. I'm talking about
26:56
Speaker 1: in friends as well. I've seen an evolution. I've seen regret,
27:00
Speaker 1: I've seen remorse, I've seen repair, and then I'm more
27:05
Speaker 1: than happy to do it because people are human and
27:06
Speaker 1: people make mistakes. So I don't think once trust is broken,
27:10
Speaker 1: never again. I don't think that at all. However, this
27:13
Speaker 1: woman has done fuck all to try and repair the
27:17
Speaker 1: damage that she caused. Nothing so for you to be like, oh,
27:21
Speaker 1: I'm struggling to trust her again, Yeah, no shit, I
27:24
Speaker 1: get it. What I don't think is going to be
27:27
Speaker 1: beneficial for you is for you to harbor this pain
27:29
Speaker 1: and inability to let go. That's the issue. You don't
27:32
Speaker 1: have to trust somebody if somebody's like turned their back
27:35
Speaker 1: on you at the first possibility and then they're like, oh, sorry, sorry,
27:40
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. But actually they didn't even say sorry,
27:42
Speaker 1: So I made a mistake. I'll just like not address that.
27:45
Speaker 1: Then that doesn't really speak volumes about, you know, their
27:48
Speaker 1: ability to repair or their willingness to repair. Look Like,
27:53
Speaker 1: one thing that I think is ideal would be that
27:58
Speaker 1: your partner speak to his mother about it if he
28:01
Speaker 1: saw that it was, you know, hurting you, especially if
28:03
Speaker 1: you were there for your part put it this way, like,
28:05
Speaker 1: I'm sure your partner's lovely, but come on, grow a spine.
28:08
Speaker 1: If my family turned on Tyrone because they thought he
28:14
Speaker 1: was the cause of my depression, when Tyrone was my
28:17
Speaker 1: backbone through my hardest, my darkest hour, there's no fucking
28:22
Speaker 1: way I would let that one slide. Not a chance
28:25
Speaker 1: in hell. The fact that he like what is he
28:28
Speaker 1: doing sitting there on his ass eating a bag of potatoes? Like,
28:30
Speaker 1: what is he doing? Right? If that happened, I would
28:33
Speaker 1: turn around and defend my partner to the death. There's
28:38
Speaker 1: no way in hell I'd be like, oh, well, she
28:40
Speaker 1: just is awkward and doesn't know how to apologize. No, no, no,
28:43
Speaker 1: no no. I will pull my family up and be like,
28:45
Speaker 1: you got this one so fucking wrong. He was there
28:49
Speaker 1: for me, for bank XYZ whatever. This is everything this
28:51
Speaker 1: person did for me. You did not get it right.
28:53
Speaker 1: You did not understand. I was so down at the time,
28:56
Speaker 1: I wasn't able to communicate that across. But now that
28:59
Speaker 1: I can see with with fresh eyes, I'm back to
29:01
Speaker 1: my old self. I can see what happened.
29:03
Speaker 2: Now.
29:03
Speaker 1: You need to apologize, because had it not been for
29:05
Speaker 1: my partner, it would have been a whole lot worse.
29:08
Speaker 1: They were supporting me through this, right, so you owe
29:11
Speaker 1: them an apology. That's what I would do. If I
29:14
Speaker 1: was your partner, one hundred percent, I would take it
29:17
Speaker 1: on as my responsibility to pull my family up on
29:21
Speaker 1: their shit. That's what I would do, Okay, But if
29:24
Speaker 1: your partner doesn't want to do it, I'd pull your
29:26
Speaker 1: partner up on it and say thanks for having my back, motherfucker,
29:31
Speaker 1: because I literally had yours And now your family, you know,
29:35
Speaker 1: has hated me all of that, and now they turn around,
29:37
Speaker 1: don't even apologize and they want to act like everything's
29:39
Speaker 1: all good. How do I know this isn't going to
29:40
Speaker 1: happen again? And if your partner's like, no, no, I don't
29:44
Speaker 1: want to say anything, I don't just be like, all right, fine,
29:46
Speaker 1: it is what it is. I'm not going to harbor
29:48
Speaker 1: hate anymore. But unfortunately, due to that, it's I've got
29:52
Speaker 1: now an inability to be close with your family. I'm
29:54
Speaker 1: not going to harbor hate, but I also know how
29:57
Speaker 1: to create some boundaries in my life. I also don't
30:02
Speaker 1: you know, if someone doesn't show that they're able to
30:05
Speaker 1: be aware of their behavior, then I think that maybe
30:08
Speaker 1: that's just their character and this isn't me being jaded.
30:11
Speaker 1: This is me being aware of a situation and using
30:15
Speaker 1: past behavior as a predictor of future behavior. You know,
30:18
Speaker 1: people have a track record. People create their own reputations.
30:21
Speaker 1: You don't do it for them, They do it for themselves.
30:23
Speaker 1: So they've set it up that way. You're just reading
30:27
Speaker 1: their behavior. So if I were you, let's say, worst
30:31
Speaker 1: case scenario were you, I've spoken to my partner. My
30:33
Speaker 1: partner's like, now, I don't feel comfortable talking to them
30:35
Speaker 1: about it. I'm not going to talk to them about it.
30:36
Speaker 1: I'd be like, turn off, but whatever, let's move on. Fine.
30:41
Speaker 1: Then I would be like, Okay, I just have to,
30:43
Speaker 1: like I said at the start of the episode, really
30:45
Speaker 1: lower my expectations. Of course, that can be nice to people.
30:48
Speaker 1: I'm capable of being polite. I'm capable of being nice.
30:51
Speaker 1: We can even have a laugh when we get together.
30:53
Speaker 1: But am I going to rely on you like i'd
30:56
Speaker 1: rely on my own family? No, they set it up
30:59
Speaker 1: that way. Going to go to you when I actually
31:01
Speaker 1: need help, absolutely not, Because you show me that you
31:04
Speaker 1: know you will turn your back on me with in
31:05
Speaker 1: a moment's notice, and you can't even apologize when you
31:07
Speaker 1: realize that you were wrong. So it's just being like,
31:10
Speaker 1: I can still have you as family, I can still
31:13
Speaker 1: enjoy moments with you, I can still find times where
31:15
Speaker 1: I actually like you. But do I need to have
31:18
Speaker 1: this closeness If I'm expecting an apology from someone who
31:21
Speaker 1: doesn't want to apologize, who's in pain? You? You? Because
31:25
Speaker 1: you're expecting something you are you feel you are owed something,
31:30
Speaker 1: and feeling that you are owed something is such a
31:34
Speaker 1: bad place to be in because you have no power
31:38
Speaker 1: over that situation. You're thinking, I can't. You're saying, how
31:41
Speaker 1: do I let go until they apologize? Who's got the power?
31:46
Speaker 1: Not you? You can let go regardless of the apology
31:51
Speaker 1: or not. That's closure. You're looking for closure and you're
31:54
Speaker 1: wanting them to give it to you. When have they
31:56
Speaker 1: shown you that they're interested in repair at no point?
31:59
Speaker 1: So say you are not capable of doing this as
32:02
Speaker 1: if I'm going to put my ability to move on
32:04
Speaker 1: from this emotional thing in your hands, the hands of
32:06
Speaker 1: the person that literally turned their back on me when
32:09
Speaker 1: I was there helping your son in his hour of
32:11
Speaker 1: neat and you turn your back on me. So that's
32:14
Speaker 1: all well and good. It's fine, but I'm not putting
32:17
Speaker 1: my healing and my closure in your fucking hands. I'm
32:20
Speaker 1: going to put it in my hands, and I'm going
32:22
Speaker 1: to be like instead of thinking, oh, this terrible thing,
32:24
Speaker 1: I'm just going to be like, Okay, I need to
32:26
Speaker 1: lower my expectations of who I think you are. You're
32:27
Speaker 1: actually not capable of apologizing. You're not capable of being
32:31
Speaker 1: self aware, which is fine, Like I said, we're all human,
32:33
Speaker 1: but I also am just going to move on given
32:35
Speaker 1: the fact that I now know exactly who you are.
32:37
Speaker 1: I'm not going to pretend that you're someone else who's
32:39
Speaker 1: withholding an apology. You're just not capable of apologizing and
32:42
Speaker 1: you're not capable of being aware of your own shit.
32:44
Speaker 1: So lower your expectations is ultimately the answer. Pull your
32:50
Speaker 1: partner up being like thanks for defending me, motherfucker. I
32:53
Speaker 1: love you so much, but just in future, just to
32:55
Speaker 1: let you know I would have defended you. But whatever,
32:59
Speaker 1: and just expect less. If someone's not willing to repair something,
33:04
Speaker 1: especially when they fucked up, that says a little bit,
33:08
Speaker 1: not like it's not saying that they're a horrible person,
33:11
Speaker 1: but you know they can't expect the relationship to be
33:14
Speaker 1: all peachy when they cooked it. Essentially Okay, one more
33:18
Speaker 1: I said that was the last one. But this will
33:19
Speaker 1: be a bit of a longer episode, but let's do
33:21
Speaker 1: hurt Hi Alexis. I wanted to thank you ahead of
33:26
Speaker 1: time for all the advice you give, that you'll give
33:28
Speaker 1: and have given. Thank you for what you do. To
33:32
Speaker 1: make a long story short, I've been dealing and struggling
33:34
Speaker 1: with finding a genuine relationship with my sister in laws
33:37
Speaker 1: for the past four years, having officially been with my partner.
33:42
Speaker 1: My partner is the only son and the youngest of three.
33:45
Speaker 1: I believe him, being the little brother of the family
33:48
Speaker 1: plays a huge role in this. Both his sisters are
33:51
Speaker 1: so toxic, but in their own ways. My biggest issue
33:54
Speaker 1: has been with the middle siblings. She's twenty eight slash
33:57
Speaker 1: twenty nine. My partner and I are twenty six, so
34:00
Speaker 1: it's just like a couple of years difference. Um, so
34:03
Speaker 1: you can imagine she's the closest one to us. For
34:07
Speaker 1: the four years we've been together, I have always struggled
34:09
Speaker 1: to find a genuine relationship or connection with her. Every
34:12
Speaker 1: time I feel like we find that connection, something is
34:15
Speaker 1: either said or done to show me otherwise. I sometimes
34:20
Speaker 1: feel like if I wasn't with her brother, we would
34:23
Speaker 1: be much better best friends. We share a lot of
34:26
Speaker 1: likes and similarities, so I know it would be easy
34:29
Speaker 1: to be her best friend, But unfortunately it's not. I
34:32
Speaker 1: really hate to say it, but she has given me
34:34
Speaker 1: envious vibes at times. I believe it's because she feels
34:37
Speaker 1: like I took her little brother away from her and
34:40
Speaker 1: she has babied him in a sense her whole life.
34:44
Speaker 1: Is that not the biggest fucking ick in the world.
34:47
Speaker 1: When anyway, she one time told me to make sure
34:54
Speaker 1: I'm feeding him healthy foods and fruit smoothies and that
35:00
Speaker 1: he wasn't eating fast food? Is he a toddler? Are?
35:03
Speaker 1: Did you birth him from your canal? And then proceeds
35:08
Speaker 1: to give her child a happy meal that same day.
35:12
Speaker 1: Another example, the day we announced we're moving into our
35:14
Speaker 1: actual house together, I immediately got those envious vibes. She
35:17
Speaker 1: paints me as this monster, saying that my goals are
35:20
Speaker 1: to take my partner my goals, Yeah, this is my
35:23
Speaker 1: life goal. My life goal is to remove my partner
35:26
Speaker 1: from his family. So we've got no contact. Some people
35:29
Speaker 1: are fucked Okay, my goals to take my partner away
35:32
Speaker 1: from his family when all I've done is proven I
35:35
Speaker 1: want to be part of the family. In many ways,
35:38
Speaker 1: it has gotten me nowhere with her in the last
35:40
Speaker 1: four years. I feel stuck in the same spot. I
35:42
Speaker 1: don't feel like an auntie to my partner's nephew. At
35:45
Speaker 1: least the older sister makes me feel like an auntie
35:47
Speaker 1: to our niece. She thinks that I am the only
35:50
Speaker 1: one in the family that thinks she's toxic. She really is. Yes,
35:54
Speaker 1: there are more toxic people out there, but she's not
35:56
Speaker 1: far from the ballpark. She has cheated on her partner
35:59
Speaker 1: more than one, always had some chaotic shit going on
36:01
Speaker 1: in her life, and I feel like she willingly makes
36:03
Speaker 1: wrong decisions at her grown age. As a mother, she
36:06
Speaker 1: cannot seem to find a stable job, and if she does,
36:09
Speaker 1: she's always calling out, like calling sick. She's always bored
36:14
Speaker 1: with herself and doesn't know where to stick herself because
36:17
Speaker 1: she doesn't want to go home and fight with her
36:18
Speaker 1: baby daddy. So she's just loving this like rinse on
36:22
Speaker 1: this woman. So sometimes she will end up in someone's
36:24
Speaker 1: house or mine. Her always being bored, always wants to
36:28
Speaker 1: do something has some sort of or has some sort
36:31
Speaker 1: of plan. She gets upset if my partner and I
36:34
Speaker 1: are not up for her plans, and then she says
36:37
Speaker 1: we don't care to reach out or get close with
36:39
Speaker 1: her kid. That's not the case at all. We just
36:41
Speaker 1: don't want to spend us Saturday mornings or afternoons doing
36:44
Speaker 1: kid family activities every single weekend. Fair enough, you're childless people,
36:48
Speaker 1: That's fine. We love family visits and going over once
36:51
Speaker 1: in a while and hanging out, but not having it
36:54
Speaker 1: feel like an obligation or feel guilty when we have
36:56
Speaker 1: to say no, or when we want to say no
36:58
Speaker 1: and just stay in for the day. I can go
37:00
Speaker 1: about this, but it would just take up so much
37:02
Speaker 1: of my time. I'm stuck. I don't know what route
37:05
Speaker 1: to take. I have told her we have issues that
37:07
Speaker 1: we need to directly address in person, and this hasn't
37:09
Speaker 1: happened yet. I'm just so sick of feeling the way
37:11
Speaker 1: I do when she gets when she gets brought up.
37:15
Speaker 1: Help Alexis with some tips for better mental strength and
37:18
Speaker 1: in general with this situation. Okay, look again, this is
37:25
Speaker 1: one of those situations where I think it's important to
37:27
Speaker 1: communicate with your partner and see how your partner is
37:30
Speaker 1: feeling about this. Obviously your partner also doesn't I feel
37:32
Speaker 1: like you were saying it's a wee thing that your
37:34
Speaker 1: partner doesn't always want to be hanging out twenty four seven.
37:37
Speaker 1: But obviously there's a lot of love there. They're very close.
37:41
Speaker 1: I get all of that. Firstly, I think, if she's
37:46
Speaker 1: willing to, it would be nice to have a conversation.
37:49
Speaker 1: But it's almost like as if she just wants to
37:51
Speaker 1: create a bit of chaos or drama, feel important, feel significant,
37:56
Speaker 1: and then not actually deal with the actual issues you
38:00
Speaker 1: at hand, because what's obviously happening here is that there
38:03
Speaker 1: is some level of dissatisfaction in her life that she's experiencing. Obviously,
38:08
Speaker 1: and because of that, A lot of the time, people
38:11
Speaker 1: that are a bit of like a cyclone, and I
38:14
Speaker 1: refer to cyclone people as people that will need to
38:18
Speaker 1: be the center of attention cause drama, not crazy drama,
38:21
Speaker 1: but enough drama, whether attention is still on them or
38:24
Speaker 1: where someone has to be apologizing or make them feel
38:26
Speaker 1: better or be like, oh, into offend. These cyclones that
38:29
Speaker 1: get around there, they do it in you know, their
38:31
Speaker 1: life is a bit of for shambles all of that,
38:33
Speaker 1: These particular people have massive issues with their levels of
38:36
Speaker 1: satisfaction with where their life is and their relationship with themselves.
38:41
Speaker 1: If you are really satisfied with where you are and
38:43
Speaker 1: with your life, you're not trying to light miniature fires
38:46
Speaker 1: all around you to be like, all right, which one's
38:48
Speaker 1: going to fucking pop into some exciting thing for me?
38:51
Speaker 1: You know, they're not doing that. They've got bigger fish
38:54
Speaker 1: to fry. They're more excited about their own shit that's
38:56
Speaker 1: going on. So it's clearly an issue with her relationship
39:01
Speaker 1: with herself. Like most like most things are, most dramas
39:06
Speaker 1: that you have with other people often come down to that.
39:10
Speaker 1: But one thing that I would say is I just
39:13
Speaker 1: wanted to address one thing. When she says that she
39:15
Speaker 1: thinks that you're stealing the partner away and you're trying
39:19
Speaker 1: to prove to her that you're not, you don't have
39:22
Speaker 1: to prove fucking shit to her. I'm sorry, but you don't.
39:27
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is that, like, this isn't
39:33
Speaker 1: human trafficking. You are dating this person, Okay, he is
39:38
Speaker 1: a grown man who has chosen to be an adult,
39:43
Speaker 1: an independent one at that, and chosen to have a
39:45
Speaker 1: partner and live with that partner. What about that screens
39:50
Speaker 1: I'm stealing you from your family. This is when someone
39:55
Speaker 1: makes a comment like that, it shows that they are
39:59
Speaker 1: I think PERSI of their relative, which is unhealthy and
40:04
Speaker 1: unhealthy dynamic. It's this feeling of ownership towards your siblings
40:08
Speaker 1: or you know, people within your family, which is gross.
40:10
Speaker 1: It's like a it's a fucked dynamic with siblings, and
40:13
Speaker 1: that's inappropriate. The second one is no no respect for
40:18
Speaker 1: her brother's autonomy or he's just some mannequin that's being
40:21
Speaker 1: fucking thrown around left, right and center, has no autonomy,
40:25
Speaker 1: has no independence. This poor individual who's got no fucking
40:29
Speaker 1: can't speak for himself, can't defend himself. Like what's she's saying?
40:33
Speaker 1: What she's saying, Oh, you've stolen him. He's gone unwillingly.
40:36
Speaker 1: It's not wanted to go. It's like he can leave
40:39
Speaker 1: it any time. He's not a fucking hostage. I haven't
40:41
Speaker 1: like bought him on the fucking black market. Like what
40:45
Speaker 1: the fuck are you referring to? As far as stealing.
40:48
Speaker 1: If someone were to say to me, you've stolen this
40:52
Speaker 1: person from me, you know you can't take something that
40:57
Speaker 1: doesn't want to go, Like, I can't take a person
40:59
Speaker 1: un willingly to do anything. I don't have that power.
41:02
Speaker 1: I don't have that control or influence. Okay, so if
41:07
Speaker 1: someone's gone and done something, it's because they wanted to
41:10
Speaker 1: do it. And also stealing from where where's the alternative?
41:14
Speaker 1: I would say, where am I stealing him from? What's
41:16
Speaker 1: the alternative? Do you want him to live in your home?
41:20
Speaker 1: And live what in your bed and cuddle him every night? Like?
41:23
Speaker 1: Where am I stealing this man from? And what you know?
41:28
Speaker 1: And who have I stolen him from? You? Did you
41:30
Speaker 1: own him? Good to know? Did you like who owns him? Right?
41:33
Speaker 1: Does he not have a choice? Does he not have
41:35
Speaker 1: you know, independence, autonomy over his own you know actions?
41:43
Speaker 1: I just feel like that line of oh, you're stealing
41:46
Speaker 1: him from the family. I would just be like, yeah,
41:48
Speaker 1: that's exactly what I've done, can't I've stolen him from
41:51
Speaker 1: the family? I you know, came in through a sack
41:53
Speaker 1: of his head and he's actually a hostage. He's actually
41:55
Speaker 1: a hostage right now. It's like, if you were a
41:59
Speaker 1: healthy family, he would want to spend time with you
42:04
Speaker 1: in a healthy way. And if that's not enough for you,
42:07
Speaker 1: then it represents an unhealthy dynamic. Okay, if I grow
42:13
Speaker 1: up as an adult and then I move in with
42:15
Speaker 1: my partner, by default, I'm going to be spending less
42:18
Speaker 1: time with my family because I'm a fucking grown adult
42:21
Speaker 1: and I don't live at home with my fucking family. Okay,
42:24
Speaker 1: so I'm going to see them less. That's called that's
42:27
Speaker 1: called life, believe it or not. So I would spend
42:31
Speaker 1: less time with my family, But because my family is
42:33
Speaker 1: normal and healthy, they're going to be like, how lovely
42:36
Speaker 1: that she's happy as an adult in a happy relationship.
42:40
Speaker 1: That's what normal families do. Most families, I would imagine,
42:44
Speaker 1: would do that. But if a family is like, you've
42:46
Speaker 1: stolen them from where you've stolen them from, and you've
42:48
Speaker 1: done this, then basically it's saying we don't actually want
42:53
Speaker 1: our son or daughter or our child to make the
42:58
Speaker 1: decisions for themselves. We love them in a selfish way.
43:01
Speaker 1: We want them to serve us, We want them to
43:05
Speaker 1: make us feel good about ourselves, to please us. Real
43:08
Speaker 1: love is wanting the best for somebody and wanting them
43:11
Speaker 1: to be happy, even if it means spending less time
43:13
Speaker 1: with that person. Even if it means them traveling to
43:15
Speaker 1: the other side of the world and barely getting to
43:16
Speaker 1: see them, Because you love them. You want them to
43:18
Speaker 1: fulfill their dreams. You want them to go and explore.
43:20
Speaker 1: You want them to have healthy relationships. You want them
43:22
Speaker 1: to live independently and make choices for themselves and make
43:26
Speaker 1: experiences for themselves. Anything away from that is a possessive action.
43:31
Speaker 1: It's a possessive belief. So I would just say to her, listen,
43:37
Speaker 1: you don't own him, nor do I. He can do
43:39
Speaker 1: whatever the fuck he wants. If he's living in a
43:41
Speaker 1: house with me, it's because he wants to. I didn't
43:44
Speaker 1: take anyone away from anything. It was a willing decision, okay.
43:48
Speaker 1: And I wouldn't say, but I've proven to you that
43:50
Speaker 1: you don't have to prove shit. If he wants to
43:52
Speaker 1: maintain a relationship with his family, go for gold. And
43:56
Speaker 1: if he doesn't go for gold, okay, just say, you
43:58
Speaker 1: know what, he's a grown man. He could visit you
44:00
Speaker 1: without me. We're not handcuffed to each other. And if
44:03
Speaker 1: he's not visiting you without me, have the conversation with him,
44:06
Speaker 1: not with me. Okay, I don't own him. I'm also
44:09
Speaker 1: not his mother, so enjoy I would palm fuck that.
44:15
Speaker 1: If my partner had that kind of re leicship with
44:17
Speaker 1: his family, I'd be like, that's your problem to deal with.
44:19
Speaker 1: I don't have to come over every single fucking day
44:21
Speaker 1: and then be made to feel guilty on top of that. No,
44:24
Speaker 1: thank you very much. I just honestly I wouldn't give
44:26
Speaker 1: this woman a bar of my energy. This just sounds
44:30
Speaker 1: like a drain. Nah got me worked up. You got
44:34
Speaker 1: me worked up, babe, You got me worked up. And
44:37
Speaker 1: the reason you got me worked up is because so
44:38
Speaker 1: many people have written to me with something similar along
44:40
Speaker 1: these lines. They allow themselves to get so emotionally manipulated
44:44
Speaker 1: and hurt by their siblings in law, feeling like they've
44:48
Speaker 1: stolen their partner away. I would just say to my partner,
44:50
Speaker 1: you either tell your sibling to shut the fuck up
44:53
Speaker 1: or go and spend more time with your sibling. But
44:55
Speaker 1: I'm just living my life. Let me live, Let me live.
44:58
Speaker 1: I'll come to some family of but if your sister's
45:01
Speaker 1: not making it attractive for me to spend time with her,
45:03
Speaker 1: I'm just not going to do it. Okay, you go,
45:07
Speaker 1: Godwin enjoyed dinner. Now I'm out with my girlfriends. Have fun,
45:10
Speaker 1: have fun with your toxic family. I will not be
45:13
Speaker 1: having fun with your toxic family. Are we having fun
45:15
Speaker 1: somewhere else? That is what I would do? Okay, You
45:18
Speaker 1: are not indebted to anyone to do shit. If a
45:22
Speaker 1: family wants you to spend time with them, they will
45:24
Speaker 1: respect you. If they want to make you suffer, they're
45:27
Speaker 1: going to disrespect you and then guilt you into it. Okay,
45:29
Speaker 1: are you going to be the full and let yourself
45:31
Speaker 1: be manipulated or are you going to rise above and
45:33
Speaker 1: be like absolutely not interested, not interested? Not today Satan times.
45:40
Speaker 1: I feel like in laws. I'm blessed with my in laws,
45:43
Speaker 1: so I can't complain. I've had some weird in laws
45:46
Speaker 1: in the past, but the ones I have now are
45:48
Speaker 1: absolutely beautiful. So I'm very, very lucky where I landed.
45:51
Speaker 1: But it is a very intense topic because it's very
45:58
Speaker 1: all consuming and your partner plays is a big part
46:00
Speaker 1: of you that they make up a huge part of
46:02
Speaker 1: your life, and their families make a big, big part
46:05
Speaker 1: of their life. So it's going to influence you whether
46:06
Speaker 1: you like it or not. So you have to learn
46:08
Speaker 1: to manage your expectations, lower them when necessary, and know
46:11
Speaker 1: where to have boundaries and know when to draw the line,
46:13
Speaker 1: and know when to get your partner to also take
46:16
Speaker 1: some action. But don't be a doormat. Do something because
46:20
Speaker 1: you can't just leave it up to us. I think
46:23
Speaker 1: it is important that the partner be involved because if
46:25
Speaker 1: it wasn't for them, you wouldn't have to deal with
46:27
Speaker 1: these clowns in the first place. Okay, cool, that is all.
46:33
Speaker 1: That is all. Thank you so much for listening to
46:34
Speaker 1: today's episode. As always remembered, be kind to yourself, becondt
46:38
Speaker 1: to your brain, don't take shit from anyone, and especially
46:40
Speaker 1: don't take shit from yourself. Dogger listener