Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / My Husband Can't Give Compliments | Rachel Feinstein | Stand Up Comedy 🎭 😁🤣🤣

Transcript

My Husband Can't Give Compliments | Rachel Feinstein | Stand Up Comedy 🎭 😁🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I've been on the road a lot.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: They're nice to me here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: They give me like snacks and stuff.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Usually when we're comedians on the road, like they don't give a shit about us.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: They'll just send like any sex offender to pick me up from the airport.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was in Alabama in the middle of my show.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: This guy just stands up and he goes, You have a camel toe.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: That was a moment in my life, you guys.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I'm dressed like a district attorney right now.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't think I did have camel toe, but I couldn't like look down and assess it.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: And because then everybody would search with me.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then this woman across the room stands up and she just goes, No, she doesn't have a camel toe.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Now you know I thought the same thing at first.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, we're not doing this.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: We're not we're not gonna turn into a town hall meeting about my crotch.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And he's like, no, no, that's camel.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell you right now.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: That's good camel, right?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: That crotch is fit to stop through the desert.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, my cousin served in Iraq.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: I bet he never saw a camel like that in all his travels.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So we live together now, me and him.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: But my family's been staying with me.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody feels like this.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: When I'm with my parents, I'm okay for like six minutes.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then I feel weirdly furious, and then I have a guilt about the level of throbbing fury I'm feeling, and then I eat kind of like a hostile amount of bread.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I just bread my way through the weekend.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: My mom is just a lot, like she's aggressively liberal.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like my mom, I married a fireman.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: She probably would have preferred, like, he's like an Irish Catholic fireman.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: She probably would have preferred if I married like a Nigerian lesbian.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: She was praying one of us was gay.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: She was just sitting in the kitchen waiting.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, there's cocoa.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: If anyone feels gay and wants to talk about it.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: She's a lot.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: And whenever she visits me in New York, she always tries to like bond with the cab driver and apologize for Trump.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's a horrifying moment.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's so liberal, she's racist.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know people like that?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like when she gets into a cab in New York, she loves to kind of read the an ethnic name to the cab driver.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like, she'll read their name to them slowly.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Time stops when my mom is reading a cab driver, his name.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's horrifying.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: She'll read it real slowly.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: She really jazzes out to an ethnic name.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be like, Well, good morning, Sarah Hanj.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: What a marvelous, invigorating name.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Just so damn spicy.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mind if I ask you what region that's from?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, he's not, he's not a wine.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: He's a man.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Leave him alone.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: The worst part of his day is that you have access to his name right now.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: She hates that joke.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, take that out of your talent show, please.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Sarah Hansh, I am terribly sorry for some of the things President Trump, again, just a full shimmy.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: We should complain some of the sorry for some of the things that Trump has said about Moslem Americans.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you can't say Moslem mom.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's the clansy way to say it.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, we think Moslem Americans are what makes this damn country great.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, he hates her so much.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's he's just glaring at her like, I'm seek, you white bitch.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of my town.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: And by the way, my mom walks away from that exchange, like cultural bridge built.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Who's next?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, he hates you.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I want her confidence.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: She walks around actively horrifying people throughout her day.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: What a wonderful, inclusive quilt I'm weaving.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, you've been a real dick.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Today's been tough.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Very tough for a lot of people because of you.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: But then at the same time, everywhere we go in New York, my mom just stops and goes, Is this safe, honey?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Are we in a safe area?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Right now, is this a safe area?
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you're in the MM store, mom.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think anyone's gonna assault you here.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think you're all you'll be okay.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she'll blame anything on Trump, my mom.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be like, I haven't slept a damn wake since the trial.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you had sleep apnea way before Trump's trials.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: She goes, Did I tell you I made an anti-Trump collage?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't think that's healthy.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you should collage against people.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: I've never heard of this style of like rage crafting before.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, wait till you see it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's damn controversial.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I think whatever, I think whatever happens in your art room in Bethesda is not controversial.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: She's just my my by the way, my husband's family complete opposite.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're all just kind of like repressed Catholics that just, you know, they just talk about like lawn mowers and like purchases, you know.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like they.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband, emotionally, just a desert.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like he I'll be like, do I look okay?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I swear to God, he said this to me.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Do I look okay?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Hey you go.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what the fuck is that?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're like passing food to a stranger.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Useless.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Just like he can't compliment.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: I s this isn't this is completely true.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: On the way over here, I was like playing an old set to remember my jokes, and I was like, is that good?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, good audio.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you can't even say fun.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're fucking an audio engineer all of a sudden, you dick.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Just can't give a compliment, you know, not at all.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and he, our family's yeah, very complete opposite.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: And he's always getting annoyed with me because he says I'm inappropriate or whatever.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I like to joke immediately after sex.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've never believed there needs to be a gentle gazing period afterwards.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like sex is done and it's joke time.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm really obsessed with those old movies from the 1950s, so like the moment sex is done, I like to pretend like he sort of tricked me into the sex, like it's been a big ruse.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like right after it's finished, I just like to be like, well, I don't understand what that all had to do with helping the children, Wally.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: Golly, you said if we did all those dreadful things, you said if we did all those terrible things, it would help the war effort.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I suppose it was all a lie, and I didn't need to be on my hands and knees after all, did I?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: Come to think of it, those children are no better for the godless things I've done in this room.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I suppose it didn't help the war effort either, did it?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't need to bring my friend Connie over at all.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, he's left the room at this point.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: He's moved on with his evening fully.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, look at me laying here all covered in sin.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Just he's like, good sesh, that was solid.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like he's gone.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he, I don't know, it's a funny time period.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I I like to put his captain's hat on after sex, like right after it's done.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: I like to be like, I'd like a salute, please.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: Respect the rank, alright?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Show a little fucking respect, okay, sugar tits?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then I just throw some Bitcoin at him and I'm like, shh, go out and buy yourself something special, okay?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: I know you can't see that, but it's real, okay?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm always in trouble with him.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, first of all, he always like wants me to like talk dirty.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I can't talk dirty.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's enough.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: I've agreed to enough, I feel.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I think I show up.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um I guess you're not supposed to give yourself credit for that step.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: That's when you know you're bad in bed.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm chipping in, like it's yard work.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just terrible.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I can't think of good things to say, and then when I do, like, I'll imagine my mom's in the room, like disappointed in me.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, really, Rachel?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: Ram me harder?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Is that what the girls say at school?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: My goodness, I'm wet.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: Is that what Becky says?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Just because Becky's wet, now you're wet too.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Is it that important to be popular?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think you talked about being a women's studies major.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Your feet are on his shoulders.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I hope that feels cool.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Just bad in those moments.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then, like, you know, there are these guys, we live in Queens now, and there are these guys, they kind of like, they like to sit outside our uh home all day on these milk crates and drink 40s because they're real winners.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: And uh whenever I leave my own home, they kind of treat me like it's my naughty little idea to be a woman, which is a fun feeling at like 7 a.m.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: The same guy every time I leave my own place, he's just like, I'm Sam, boo.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: How you gonna do that to me?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Nah, boo, that's too much.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, that's too much.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: And it works.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I feel guilty.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Man, come on, don't do that to me.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you're right.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I it I'm a godless whore and I should be punished for getting my daughter milk.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's disgusting.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like he always was like, come on, I scratched my stomach.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Can I scratch that shit for you?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I just answer my grandma's voice.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: I go, that sounds marvelous.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you keep pushing it, I'll tell you what, you're gonna get a timeout.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not playing around now.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then I do kind of a jazzer-sized lunge, which is not an attractive, fuckable position.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I was leaving this bar with my friends, and this guy's uh came up to us.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: My favorite type's kind of like you know, like some date raping jocks.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like just some guy looks like he just graduated from like rape tech or some shit.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: He was so it's a real school, so don't be offended.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Uh he was so drunk, he was sort of swaying, which is always a flattering time to be courted by a man where it's you know, like last call for alcohol and pussy.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: He was so he was kind of just sort of shaking and falling into his own worthlessness, and then he'd get up and he comes up to me and my friends, and he goes, What are you two lovely bitches doing?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: He called us, yes, he called us lovely bitches, which is also a poem by Emily Dickinson.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I would actually like to have sex with both of you ladies.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: I would.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: He said it like it was a special Christmas offer.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like he like he surprised himself with his own generosity.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I would.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I just answered him again.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma's voice always does the trick.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, really?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: That sounds marvelous! Why don't you come back to my place?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do the Charleston and just rub one out for you, huh?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't that be fantastic?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: Ah something about jazz hands, not particularly arousing for a man.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: There's not a lot of porn hub searches for a broad stroked Charleston.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys so much.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: That's it for me.