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Think Faster, Talk Smarter with Matt Abrahams · Go News To Go: More Good News

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Raise your hand if you have recently had to introduce
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: yourself or make small talk. Yes, that is what today
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: is all about, how to speak better in the moment.
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: My hunch is for many of you, introducing yourselves and
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: making small talk at some points was challenging. It's awkward,
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: it can be uncomfortable. So today I want to talk
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: about how we can think faster and talk smarter in
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: those moments where we're put on the spot to think
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: and act quickly. We all know that speaking in planed situations, presentations, pitches,
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: meetings with agendas can be hard, but it can be
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: much harder to speak in the moment. And if you
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: think about it, most of our communication happens in the moment.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: It's things like making a toast, answering questions, giving feedback,
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: introducing yourself, answering questions. These are the things that can
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: be very challenging for us. So today I'd like to
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: walk you through a methodology that I developed in service
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: of needs of our students here at Stanford. Many years ago,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: the deans came to me and said, we have a problem.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: The problem is this our very bright Stanford MBA students
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: are struggling to answer those cold call questions from their professors.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: You remember back here when people would say what do
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: you think? And you had to respond? So I did
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: a deep dive into research and psychology, anthropology, sociology, improvisation,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: neuroscience and came up with a methodology now that all
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: Stanford MBAs within the first three weeks of their time
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: here have an opportunity to take and it turns out
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: it helps them feel more comfortable and confident, not just
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: answering questions, but in standing up in class and giving
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: a position, and many other situations that they find themselves
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: in when they leave here, interviewing for jobs, giving feedback
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: to employees, et cetera. So today is going to be
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: not just listening to me, but it's going to be participative,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: and we're going to start. It's not hard. Some of
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: you look at each other, going, oh no, what's it
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: going to make me do? Pretty simple? I'd like you
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: all to read this sentence, and what's more important to
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: me than the meaning of the sentence is I'd like
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: for you to count the number of f's the letter F.
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: How many f's do you find. I'll give you three
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: or four seconds to do it. Keep the answer quiet,
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: to yourself. How many f's. I wish my MBA students
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: were as quiet and thoughtful as you are right now?
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: All right, all right, raise your hand if you found
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: three f's, How many found three? Excellent? Very good? Nby five? Four, ah, five, five?
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: How about six? There are six f's. What two letter
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: word ending in F did many of us miss? So
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: why do I do this activity? I have done this
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: in every workshop, every keynote I ever delivered. Why because
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: this is an exact analogy of what we're going to
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: be doing here today. Many of us miss little things
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: that make a big difference in our communication. Now. The
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: other reason I do this is fourteen years ago and
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I first saw this, I found three. I felt really stupid,
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: and I like to pass that done up. That's so
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: we're going to identify little things that make a big
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: difference to make us more effective in our spontaneous speaking.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: So I want to introduce you to a six step
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: methodology that we can use to become better at speaking
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: in the moment. And the six steps divide into two categories,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: mindset and messaging. The first step has to do with
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: managing anxiety, taming the anxiety beast. Most people get nervous
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: speaking in spontaneous situations. In fact, most people get nervous
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: speaking in any high stake situation. We have some research
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: that says upwards of eighty five percent of people feel
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: nervous in high stake situations, and I think the other
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: fifteen percent are lying. So let me ask you this.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: How do you feel when you watch a nervous speaker present? Now,
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: I know a few of you probably like watching people suffer,
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: but most of us don't. How does it feel? Just
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: shout out, how do you feel when you see a
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: nervous speaker present? Okay, so uncomfortable, empathetic, And I heard
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: some people say I actually feel anxious myself. I call
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: that secondhand anxiety. So if for no other reason, we
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: should learn to manage our anxiety so our audience can
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: focus on us and not be distracted. So when it
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: comes to managing anxiety, we have to take a two
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: pronged approach. We have to manage all symptoms and sources.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Symptoms are the things that we physiologically experience, what goes
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: on in our body, and sources are the things that
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: in or exacerbate that anxiety. So I'd like to hear
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: from some of you. What happens for you when you
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: get nervous, when you're put on the spot, I'll start,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I blush and I perspire. What happens for some of you?
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Mouth goes dry. I call this plumbing reversal. What's normally
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: dry gets wet, and what's normally wet gets dry. So
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: you get sweaty palms, but dry mouth really weird? Right?
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: What else happens? Yeah, you freeze, You can't remember what
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: to say? What else happens? Please? Yeah? You feel your
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: heart pounding? Right? Some of us get shaky. These are
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: normal and natural responses to anxiety. Your body sees speaking
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: in the moment as being under threat, and it invokes
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: the fight or flight response. And these are normal and
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: natural responses. But there are things we can do to
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: address these. Now, allow me to share a few with you.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: The first and best thing you can probably do is
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: to take a deep belly breath, the kind of breath
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: you would take if you've ever done yoga or tai
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: chi or chigong, A deep belly breath. And what's interesting
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: is it's the exhale that's more important than the inhale.
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: So my rule of thumb, or shall I say, my
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: rule of lung is you want your exhale to be
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: twice as long as your inhale. And if you take
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: two or three of these deep belly breaths, you'll actually
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: reduce the rapid heart rate, the rapid breathing that causes
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: you to speak faster, and you'll feel calmer. So before
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: you walk into a room where you think you might
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: be asked for feedback, or you know questions are coming,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: or before you unmute on that zoom, take this deep
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: belly breath and it will help. Now, if you get
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: dry mouth and you know you're going into a situation
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: where you might have to speak in the moment, drink
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: some warm water, suck on a lozenge, or choose some gum.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Obviously you don't want to do that while you're in
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: the midst of speaking, but that will help reactivate those
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: salvary glands. If you're like me and you blush and
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: you perspire, hold something cold in the palms of your hand.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: The palms of your hand are thermoregulators for your body,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: just like your forehead or the back of your neck.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: If you've ever had a fever and you put a
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: cold compress on your head to cool down because your
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: heart rate is going up. Because your body tenses. When
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: you're stressed, you have more blood going through tighter tubes.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: Your blood pressure goes up and that causes you to
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: get hotter. It's like your exercising. So we can reduce
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: the sweating and the blushing by cooling ourselves down. In fact,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: before I started speaking today, I was holding a cold
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: bottle of water to help. So these are some of
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: the things we can do to manage our symptoms of anxiety.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: If I didn't talk about a symptom you have, there
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: are resources I'll share at the end of the talk
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: that can help you find ways to manage your anxiety.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: Now there's another side too, We have to think about sources.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Sources are the things that initiate or exacerbate our anxiety.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: There are many. Let me talk about one. Many of
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: us are made nervous by the goal of what we're
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: trying to achieve when we communicate. My students want to
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: get a good grade. The entrepreneurs I coach want to
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: get funding. You might want to get a new job,
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: or you might want to get your projects supported. So
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: what makes you nervous is the fact that you might
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: not achieve that goal. In other words, what's making you
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: nervous is a potential negative future outcome. So how do
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: we short circuit that? We become very present oriented? Because
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: if you're in the moment, by definition, you're not worried
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: about the future. So how do we get present oriented?
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: One way is to do something physical, walk around the
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: building before you go in for that job interview. Another
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: way is to listen to a song or a playlist,
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: just like athletes do. You can do what I do.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I get present oriented by talking to people. Before I
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: got up here on stage, I was talking with many
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: of you. That helps me get present oriented. I can't
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: engage in a conversation and be thinking about what might
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: go wrong in my presentation or Q and a session
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: start at one hundred and count backwards by seventeen's that'll
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: get you present oriented. I know I'm in front of
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: a crowd that's trying. The first one's easy, eighty three,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: the next one's hard. My favorite way to get present
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: oriented is to say tongue twisters. You can't say a
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: tongue twister right and not be in the present moment.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: Some of you are going, oh, oh, that's right, I'm
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: going to ask you to say my favorite tongue twister.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: I said this tongue twister right before I walked out here.
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: It warms me up and it gets me present oriented.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: Many of us assume that we can just go from
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: silence to brilliance without warming up our voices. But you know,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: if you've ever played a sport, or exercised or played
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: a musical instrument, you should warm up first. So let's
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: try it. My favorite tongue twister takes five seconds to say,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: has three phrases, and if you say one of the
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: phrases wrong, you'll say a naughty word. So I'm listening
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: to hear. Okay, let's try it. Repeat after me. I
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: slit a sheet A sheet, I slit, and on that
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: slitted sheet, I sit excellent. Nobody said that naughty word,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: and I'm sure you all know what it is. So
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: by managing our anxiety, both symptoms and sources, we prepare
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: ourselves to be better when we speak in the moment.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: The second step in our process has to do with
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: maximizing mediocrity we get in our own way. I have
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: the audacity in front of my Stanford MBA students on
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: the first day of class to say maximize mediocrity. Their
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: jaws drop. They've never been told to be mediocre. But
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: why do I recommend this? It boils down to this,
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: we are the biggest impediment to our ability to speak
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: spontaneously in the moment. We get in our own way,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: and we do it through all the judging and evaluating
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: that we do of the material that we're thinking about saying,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: we get in our head. Here's why this is problematic.
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Think of your brain as a computer. This is not
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: a perfect analogy, but for this point it works. You know,
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: on your laptops or your phones, when you have a
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: lot of apps and windows open, how the performance of
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: each one of those is a little less good because
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: the others are open. That's because the bandwidth is less.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: The same is true with your brain. When I am evaluating,
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: in judging everything I'm saying as i'm saying it, I
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: have less cognitive bandwidth to focus on what I'm actually saying.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: So when we are evaluating ourselves as we're speaking, we're
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: doing ourselves a disservice. Now be very clear, I am
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: not saying you should never judge or evaluate your speaking.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: You should, but we can turn the volume down a
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: little bit to get us more resources so we can
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: be more present and be more effective in what we're saying.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: So the true sentence that I tell my students at
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: the end, I start with maximize mediocrity, and then I
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: end the class by saying maximize mediocrity, so you can
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: achieve greatness. If you give yourself permission just to answer
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: the question, just to give the feedback, just to have
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: the small talk, then you put yourself in a position
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to do it very well. But when I say to myself,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: I have to give the right answer, the best feedback,
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I need to be the most interesting in small talk,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: it reduces the likelihood that you'll do those well. So
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: step one is managed anxiety. Step two has turned down
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: that volume on that mental observation and evaluation we're doing,
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: and that puts you in a position to be more
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: present and more engaged. The third step of the methodology
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: has to do it the fact that many of us
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: see speaking in the moment and in general as threatening
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: and challenging. If I were to tell any of you
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: at the end of the meeting you're running that you're
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: going to get some questions from your audience, many of
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: you aren't like, Oh, that's great, I can't wait. You say,
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Oh no, I'd better do a good job. I'm afraid
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: they're going to see what I said is wrong. They're
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: going to challenge me. Many of us see these situations
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: as threatening and challenging, and when we do so, it
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: impacts not just what we say, but how we say it.
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: We tend to retreat, We make ourselves small, Our answers
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: are curt our tone is harsh because we feel we
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: have to defend. There's another way to approach this, and
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: before I share with you that way and give you
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: some tools, I want you to actually have an experience
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: of it. So I'm going to ask you to play
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: a very simple improvisation game with me. It's called give
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: a Gift. All of us in our lives have had
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: the experience of giving a gift and getting a gift,
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: so you know how to play this game. But we're
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: going to practice. I'd like everybody to take out an
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: imaginary box. Do this with me. Please, here's your imaginary box.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: On the count of three, I'd like you to just
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: practice giving it and to give the gift, you just
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: extend your arms. Everybody ready, one too, three? Give a
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: gift perfect, very good. Now, when you receive a gift,
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: you do it in reverses. Ready, one, two, three, You've
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: received a gift perfect. So here's what we're going to do.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: In a moment. I'm going to ask you to find
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: somebody sitting near you. You're simply going to introduce yourself
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: if you don't know, and you're going to play the
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: give a gift game. One of you will give a
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: gift to your partner. Your partner will take the imaginary gift,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: open the box, look inside, look at the partner, and
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: say thank you for the And you're going to say
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: the first thing that pops into your head, so you
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: might say, thank you for the car, thank you for
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: the pen, thank you for the airplane. It doesn't even
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: have to fit in the box. Your partner who gave
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: you the imaginary gift, upon hearing it, is going to
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: explain to you why they gave it to you. Do
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: you see how there are two acts of spontaneity that
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: happen in this activity. And then you'll switch so again
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: when it's your turn to give, you give the gift.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: The partner receives the gift, they open up the box.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: They look inside, and they thank you for the first
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: thing that comes to mind. By show of hands, how
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: many of you already know what's in your box? Uh huh?
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Over half of you raised your hands. Yes. Remember what
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I said in the previous step, how we want to
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: do well and we want to make sure we're right.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: So okay, I know there's going to be a dog
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: bone in my box. That's perfect. I'm done. I want you, literally,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: when you open up the box, to say the first
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: thing that comes to your mind. I have to tell
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: my MBA students to keep it clean and keep it legal.
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: I'm sure I don't have to tell you that here,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: but I want you to name it, and then your partner,
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: upon hearing it, is immediately going to explain, and then
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: you're going to switch. This activity should take two minutes.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: I will ask you to come back in about two minutes.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: So find somebody sitting next to you. Introduce yourself. The
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: person who woke up earliest this morning goes first. I've
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: learned a long time ago as a teacher. If you
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: don't say who goes first, everybody argues on it. All right,
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: find a person thank you, by the way for doing
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: this activity. I saw lots of smiles. Looks like you
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: were having fun. I am simply going to move my
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: arm across the audience and as my hand points in
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: your general direction, will you just call out what you
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: found in your box? I just I love hearing what
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: people gave themselves. Just start shouting out what you gave yourselves? Clean, eggs, tires,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: ok okay, catnip? I heard, yes, pumpkin notes? Did I
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: hear broccoli? Oh? Yes? Dogs poop okay? Yes? Sweater excellent.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: You guys gave yourself wonderful gifts. It's a bit of
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: a rorschak test too. It tells us a little bit
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: about you. But we won't go there. Let me ask
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: you this, How did it feel when you gave the
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: gift and you were waiting to hear what you gave?
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: Many of you looked excited. I see many of you smile.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: What did I give? What did I give? And then
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: all of you embraced a rule that comes from improvisation.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: I am a huge fan of improv, and I have
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: had wonderful improv teachers here on this campus. Patricia Ryan Madsen,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: Adam Tobin, Dan Klein. These are improv experts who've taught
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: me the value of improv and all of you just
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: executed the number one rule of improv. Yes, and you
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: didn't say I did not give you a dog bone. No,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: you said, of course I did. And here's why, right,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: you embraced it right away. What if? What if when
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: somebody asked you a question or ask you for feedback,
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: you saw it as an opportunity, just like you saw
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: this activity as an opportunity. Now, I am not naive.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I know sometimes people when they ask us questions or
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: ask us for feedback, they're really putting us on the spot.
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: They want to challenge us, They're coming after us. But
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: even in those moments, if I can see it as
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: an opportunity to connect, to learn, to find some area
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: of commonality, it can change everything. I will step in.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: I will be bigger in my response, my tone will
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: be more collaborative, my answers will be more detailed. By
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: seeing spontaneous communication as an opportunity, as a gift, not
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: a threat, it changes our entire approach. So how do
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: we do this? How do we execute on it? On
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: the new book I wrote, Thinking Faster, Talking Spot, I
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: introduce several tools we can use to see things as opportunities.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: The first comes from this notion of growth mindset, which
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Carol Dweck on this campus helped develop and champions. It's
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: wonderful and her work is fantastic. One area of her
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: work in growth mindset, which really essentially says that when
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: we are faced with a challenge that doesn't go necessarily
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: the way we want it to, we can learn and
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: grow and begin to get better at that versus a
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: fixed mindset which says that's just how we're built, that's
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: just the way it is. A growth mindset again opens
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: to opportunity. And one aspect of it that I really
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: resonate with is this notion of not yet. Just because
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: something didn't go the way you want to doesn't mean
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: it never will go the way you want. It just
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: means not yet. Maybe you don't have the skills, you
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: don't have the practice, but it means you can get there.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: So by adopting a not yet mindset, it helps us
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: see things as opportunities, opportunities to learn, opportunities to grow.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: So when you meet with a frustration in your life,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: especially around communication, say to yourself, not yet, we've already
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: talked about yes and yes, and is where we see
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: the possibility of connection. So even if you're in disagreement
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: in a negotiation that's happening in the moment, you can
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: look for those areas of commonality. Where is it that
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: we agree, where is the yes? And from there build.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: The third of these comes from the world of basketball.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: Many of you are familiar with Mike Skryzewski, former basketball
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: coach coach k One of the things he is credited
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: with instilling in his players, but in all of sport,
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: is this notion of next play. If you're an athlete,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: say a basketball player, and you miss a shot, instead
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: of ruminating and getting frustrated with yourself, move on to
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: the next play. Because the reality is, if I miss
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: my shot and I sit there thinking about how bad
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: it was, how I should have made it, the play
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: is already ensuing and the other team might be scoring
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: a shot. I have to move to next play. And
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: the same is true when you're in the midst of
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: a conversation, small talk, feedback situation. If something happens that
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: doesn't go exactly the way you want it to, next play,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: keep moving now. While rumination in the moment is bad,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: reflection after the fact is very good. So I'd love
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: for you in the moment to move to the next play,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: but later that day reflect what worked and what didn't.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Many of us treat our communication as that definition of insanity,
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: you know, doing the same thing over and over again,
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: expecting different results. If you don't reflect and learn and
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: think about it, you're not going to change. So in
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: the moment, next play, later in the day, reflection, and
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: then the final of these steps has us reframing the
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: way we think about mistakes. Many of us try to
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: avoid mistakes. We feel a mistake is a bad thing
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: now if you think about it. We learn through mistakes.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: If you watch kids as they develop, they make lots
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: of mistakes and that's how they learn. We can take
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: benefit from that as well. But we have to look
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: at them differently. Rather than mistakes, I'd like you to
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: think of them as missed takes. You know, in television
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: and film, directors will have their actors do multiple takes
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: of the same scene. I've seen that clapboard that says
• 22:01
  Speaker 1: take one, take two, no one seen is wrong. They're
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: just trying to optimize and try different things. So when
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: you do something that doesn't go the way you want,
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: think to yourself. Take two. I'm just going to do
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: it again differently. It wasn't bad, it wasn't wrong. I'm
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: just going to try it differently. And if you take
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: that approach to your actions and the things that don't
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: go the way you want one, it keeps you in
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: a much more positive frame of reference, and it encourages
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: you to think and learn from what just happened. So
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: these four tools, not yet yes and next play and
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: missed takes are the ways in which we can look
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: at our communication in the moment as opportunities and not threats.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: So we get out of our own way after we
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: manage anxiety, we see things as being opportunities, not threats.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: And then our fourth step has to do listening. Most
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: of us are not good listeners. We listened just enough
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: to get the gist of what somebody is saying and
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: then start thinking, judging, evaluating, rehearsing what we want to say.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: We don't listen deeply, and if you don't listen deeply
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: when you're communicating in the moment, you can make some errors.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: Imagine this, we walk out of a meeting together, you
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: turn to me and you say, how do you think
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: that went? I hear feedback, and I start listening all
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: the things that we did wrong, all the things you
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: could have done better, how we can make sure that
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: we don't make the same errors next time. But had
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I really listened in that moment, I might have noticed
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: you came out the back door, not the front door.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: You were looking down and talking more quietly than you
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: usually do. In that moment. What you wanted was not feedback,
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: but you wanted support, And by virtue of giving you
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: all this constructive feedback, I actually did you a disservice
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: and might have damage the relationship we have. So we
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: need to listen in a very different way when we
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: have to speak spontaneously, so we really understand what's needed
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: in the moment. So I'd like to give you some
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: advice about how to listen better. And I have to
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: caveat this that my wife gets really upset when I
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: teach listening because she says, I'm still a work in progress.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: So listen to what I say, not necessarily what I do. First,
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: When you are listening, you need to listen intently. I
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: heard a professor at another university say he taught music
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: and he was talking about jazz and he had a
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: jazz teacher, and I have to look this guy up
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: to get his name, but he said, we need to
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: listen until you sweat, and I love that approach. We
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: listening is hard work. So the first thing we need
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: to do is when somebody speaking, we have to listen
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: to what's the bottom line of what they're saying, what's
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: the cruxt of what they're trying to get across. And
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: then second we need to employ a strategy that I
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: learned from a colleague here. His name is Colins Dobbs,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: and Collins teaches and crucial conversations here at the Business School,
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: and he has a methodology to help do that, and
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: that methodology applies beautifully to listening. It's three things. Pace, space,
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: grace to listen. Well, you have to give yourself a
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: little bit of each of those. We have to slow
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: things down. The world moves very quickly. We've got a
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: lot going on. If I slow down, I can listen better.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: So the first step is to slow things down. Second,
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: you have to give yourself space. Sometimes it's physical space.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: Move to a location where you can actually hear better.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: As I get older, everything is louder in the ambient sound.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: Move to a place where you can actually hear, but
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: also mental space, give yourself permission to be present oriented
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: in this moment listening to this person, and then finally
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: grace and grace is to give yourself permission to pay
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: attention to what's going on in the environment, how the
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: person says what they say, not just what they say,
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: and grace refers to listening to your own intuition. We
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: have heard lots of things, we have seen lots of
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: things in our lives, and we get intuitions that come
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: to us based on what we hear and respect those
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: as well. We often think listening is only what's coming in,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: but you can also listen to what's happening inside you.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: So but with a little bit of pacee space and
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: grace and focusing on the cruxt of what somebody is saying,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: you can listen better. One of the best tools we
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: can use to listen better is to ask either clarifying
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: questions or to paraphrase, we have this notion that we
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: have to respond in the moment right away. If I
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: don't respond right away, it means I'm not confident, it
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: means I don't know my stuff. And yet we can
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: pause a bit to actually reflect on what we're listening
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: to before we respond, so I can literally just take
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: a pause. Some of us feel pausing as bad, but
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: pausing can be great. I can ask a clarifying question
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: that gives me a little bit of time. Or I
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: can paraphrase, which is where I take something you've said,
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: synthesize it, and present it back to you in a
• 27:14
  Speaker 1: way that's distilled down. So it's not like what a
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: five year old does, who just parrots back what you say.
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: That's annoying, but you look for the key idea and
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: you repeat it back. The thing with asking follow up
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: questions and paraphrasing is these are lower order cognitive skills.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: In other words, I can be thinking about what I
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: want to say next while i'm doing those. So we're
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: going to do a paraphrasing activity. It's very quick, very
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: similar to what we did with give a gift. In
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: a moment, I'm going to ask you to find a
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: different partner in the room, and I'm going to ask
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: you to share a story of your name, and it
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: can be anything related to your name you want. It
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: can be very deep and meaningful, it can be fun.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: For thirty seconds, you're going to tell a story of
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: your name. This activity is not about storytelling. This activity
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: is about paraphrasing, because the person you're telling it to
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: is going to paraphrase what you said, and then they're
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: going to ask a question. Because paraphrasing never happens by itself.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: It's always followed by something, maybe your answer, maybe connecting
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: to the agenda, maybe asking a question. So let me
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: give you an example of what this is like. So
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you a story about my name.
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: For thirty seconds, I'm going to ask for a volunteer
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: if you'd like to paraphrase what I said, and then
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: another volunteer to ask a question. Now, you do not
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: need to answer the question, but by training yourself to
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: ask a question immediately after paraphrasing, you're training yourself to
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: keep the conversation moving. Paraphrasing is never something you do
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: in and of itself. You always use it to move on.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: So here's a story of my name. My name is Matt.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: All Through my childhood, I was teased mercilessly because Matt
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: rhymes with everything, okay, lazy as a doormat, silly as
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: a cat, you're fat. I was teased all the time,
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: when my wife and I started our family, it was
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: very important to me that our children not be named
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: something that was easily teasable. As a teacher, I have
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: a built in focus group. So I went into my classroom.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: I wrote the three names that my wife and I
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: were willing to call our kids, and I gave my
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: students five minutes to come up with the most heinous, mean,
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: bad rhymes and everything they could, and we named my
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: children the names that had the shortest lists. So that's
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: the story of my name. Is there somebody here who'd
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: be willing to just paraphrase my story? Again? A paraphrase
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: gets to the cruxt of it. I see your hand here, sir. Yes, excellent,
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: great paraphrase. Essentially, what he said for those of you
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: who couldn't hear is you stress tested your kids' names. Right,
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: that's a great paraphrase. What is a reasonable question that
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: you might ask, Yes, what are the kids? Yes, I'm
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: not going to tell you because they would be very upset,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: But I'll tell you that my kids are not teased
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: because of their names. Now, they're teased for lots of
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: other things, but not their names. Do you see how
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: paraphrasing can actually help you listen more intently. So here's
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: what I'm going to ask you to do. Find somebody
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: else sitting around you, Introduce yourself and the person in
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: your partnership who had to travel the farthest to get
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: to campus for the event, not this morning. If you're
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: not local, you're staying in a hotel that's close by,
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: but where you came from. Whoever traveled the farthest will
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: go first. You'll tell a thirty second story about your name.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: Your partner will immediately paraphrase and ask a question you
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: need not answer it, and then you'll switch. This should
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: take us two minutes to do. Find a partner, tell
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: a story of your name. How did it feel to
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: have your story paraphrased? It feels good, doesn't It feels
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: good I have your story paraphrased. It feels good to
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: be listened to. Now we're not virtual in this room,
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: so we don't have some of those cool features that
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: you have on tools like zoom and teams and meat.
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: So we're gonna do it old, the old fashioned way.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: Will everybody put your fist out like this? This is
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: a yes, thumbs up, yes, thumbs down, no, no middle fingers.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Did your partner paraphrase, well, your story of your name.
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: I am seeing almost exclusively thumbs up. I see one sideways,
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: and we might have one thumbs down, but there's always
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: one in every crowd. No, how did it feel? How
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: did it feel to listen to paraphrase? How did it
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: feel to do this? Hard? Right? I see thumbs up,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: but it was hard right? You had to listen in
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: a different way. When I looked at all of you
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: doing this, you were leaning in, you were nodding. It
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: was clear that you were listening with intensity. We have
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: the capability to listen well, but we have to encourage
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: ourselves to do it. And when we speak spontaneously, it
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: is critical to listen well. So we've now completed the
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: first four steps of the process. Manage anxiety, get out
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: of our own way, see it as an opportunity, listen well.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: All of this has to do with mindset. We haven't
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: actually responded in the moment yet. So that's the next part,
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: and that's messaging. And messaging has two components. First, it
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: has to do with structure. Structure is critical. How you
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: put your messages together matters. Most of us just ramble
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: and give lists of information when We're put on the spot,
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: and your brain is not wired for lists. It's very
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: hard for us to remember just ramblings. Our brains are
• 32:57
  Speaker 1: actually wired for structure, for story. A story. To me,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: a structure is nothing more than a logical connection of
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: ideas that has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: I learn the power of story and the power of
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: structure when I was an undergraduate here at Stamford many
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: many years ago, I was a tour guide on this campus.
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: To this day, I can still walk backwards in a
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: straight line while speaking. They trained us back then for
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: twelve weeks. The most important thing they taught us, they said,
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: above all else, to be a good tour guide on
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: this campus, you must never ever lose your tour group.
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: You are a bad tour guide if you get people lost.
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: The same is true with us as spontaneous speakers. Never
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: lose the audience you're talking to. How do we keep
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: people together? We structure our responses. Structure helps us orient
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: people and set expectations. If I showed up and I said, Hi,
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: I'm Matt, I'm your tour guide. Let's go, how many
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: of you would go with me? A few? Because you're
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: adventurous but the rest of you be like, heck, no,
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: where are we going? Do I have the right shoes on?
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: Should I go to the bathroom first? A good tour guide,
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: just like a good spontaneous speaker, sets expectations up front
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: so you can pay attention to what's happening and not
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: wonder what's coming next. Structure also helps connect ideas together.
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: The biggest place or the most frequent place you will
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: lose people as a tour guide is when you move
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: from one place to the next, people just wander off.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: The same is true in our communication. If you are
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: using words like so, next, second, third as your transitions,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: then you are missing opportunities to keep people together. So
• 34:46
  Speaker 1: structure is really important. Let me give you an example
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: of a structure, just so you can get your arms
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: around it. Most of us are familiar with a very
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: persuasive structure of problem solution benefit. If you've ever pitched
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: an idea, if you've ever watched an advertisement, this is
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: how they go problem solution benefit. Here's an issue, here's
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: how we solve it, and here's the benefit. That's a
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: structure beginning, middle, and an end. Now, my favorite structure
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: in the whole world is three simple questions, what so
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: what now? What? The what is your idea, your belief,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: your position, your product, your service, your feedback? The so
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: what is? Why is it important to the person you're
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: speaking to? And then now what is what comes next?
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe I'll take your questions. Let's set another meeting. Let
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: me show you a demonstration. What so? What now? What
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: is a great way to package up information. When you're
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: meeting with your friends this weekend and somebody says, what
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: are you up to? It's a great structure to update.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: Here's what I'm doing, Here's why I think it's important.
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: Here's what I'm planning to do next. When you're giving feedback,
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: you can get feedback in this structure. The feedback is
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: what I saw or what I didn't see? The so
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: what is why it's important? And and now what is what
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: I'd like you to do? Differently? So imagine we come
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: out of a meeting together and you say, Matt, how'd
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: that go? I said, well, I thought it went really well,
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: except when you were talking about the implementation plan. You
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: spoke quickly and didn't give as much detail as you
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: did elsewhere. When you speak quickly without a lot of detail,
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: people might think you're nervous and art is prepared. Next time,
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: slow down and use these two additional examples. Do you
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: see how in the moment, just by following this structure,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: it gives me a good response. Structure is a tool.
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: It's like a recipe. I am a lousy cook, but
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: I have a much better chance of cooking well if
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: I follow a recipe. So by having a recipe, all
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: I have to do is put the ingredients into it.
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: I know how I'm going to give you my feedback.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: I just have to think about what I say in
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: the feedback. So structure helps you not only package up
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: information for your audience, but it helps you prioritize what
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: to say. And because the information is packaged well, your
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: audience can take that information and share it elsewhere. Think
• 37:12
  Speaker 1: of a job interview. When you're being interviewed, not only
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: are you trying to communicate your skills and how you
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: could benefit the company, but you're trying to equip your
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: interviewer with the information that they can then take to
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: the others involved in the hiring decision and represent you.
• 37:28
  Speaker 1: And if you package up that information easily, they can
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: tell your story really well. If you just give them
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: a whole list of information. They're likely not to remember it.
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: So structure is incredibly helpful in spontaneous communication. In the
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: new book, the whole second half of it is specific
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: spontaneous situations, making small talk, apologizing, giving feedback, introducing yourself,
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: answering questions, and with each one I assign or give
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: a structure that you can use. This is not the
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: final stey up though. The final step is the f
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: word of communication, and it's not that naughty one some
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: of you are thinking about. It's focus. Many of us,
• 38:09
  Speaker 1: when we speak in the moment, take our audiences on
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: the journey of our discovery of what it is we
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: want to say as we're saying it. In other words,
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: we say more than we need to. We need to
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: be focused and concise. My mother has a saying that
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: I love. I know she didn't create it, but it's
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: tell me the time. Don't build me the clock. Many
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: of us, when we are spontaneously speaking, build clocks. One
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: because we're discovering what we want to say, two because
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: we want people to think we're really smart, and three
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: we want everybody to see how hard we've worked to
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: get to what we're saying. It is much better to
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: be compact and concise in what you're saying. So how
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: do you do that? Well, One, we've already talked about relevance.
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: If I think about what's really relevant for the audience,
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: then I hinge everything I'm saying that relevance. Second, you
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: should have a goal whenever you speak, be it spontaneous
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: or planned. A goal, to me has three parts information, emotion,
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: and action. What do I want the audience to know?
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: How do I want them to feel? And what do
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: I want them to do. So if I'm walking into
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: a room where I expect that I will be asked
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: questions or asked to give feedback or even making small talk,
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I think to myself, what do I want people to know,
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: how do I want them to feel, and what do
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: I want them to do? And that helps me focus
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: and prioritize what I'm saying. So it's not enough to
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: just have a structured message. You have to focus that
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: message to help people remember it and to not be
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: seen as rambling and giving too much information. There's another
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: structure I want to introduce you to that is incredibly
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: focused and concise. This is a structure for pitching. I'm
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: often asked by people. What happens if somebody asks me
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: to pitch an idea in the moment. So you're getting
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: on an elevator and your boss's boss steps in and
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: they look at you, say, oh, what are you working on?
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: I'm about to go speak with the board. Maybe I
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: can help you. You got to respond four sentence starters.
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: You just finish these sentences. What if you could sow
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: that for example, and that's not all. What if you
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: could sow that for example, and that's not all. Let
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: me show you how this works by taking a suggestion
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: from you all, and I'll put it in this structure,
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: and then together as a group, we're going to use
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: this for something. Can somebody think of a product or
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: service that you would like to hear a pitch for.
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: What would you like to hear me give a pitch for?
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: Somebody suggest one my book? Well look at that? Well,
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: thank you, all right, I appreciate that. So my new
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: book is all about how to speak more effectively in
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: the moment. What if you could feel more comfortable and
• 40:59
  Speaker 1: confident when put on the spot, so that you could
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: answer questions well or give appropriate feedback. For example, imagine
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: an upcoming job interview that you nail that you get
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: all of your points across in a way that really
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: represents who you are. And that's not all. You can
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: apply these principles to small talk, to apologizing, into even
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: introducing yourself. Do you see how just answering those sentences
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: gets you to a tight, clear pitch. So here's what
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: we're going to do for all of you to practice,
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: and thank you for that opportunity. Okay, all of us
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: are here for our Stanford reunion. Let's imagine for your
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: next reunion. You volunteer to help recruit people to come
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: back to campus for reunion. So you're going to make
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: a pitch. Let's go through each of these four together
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: as a group. Somebody give me the end of this
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: sent What if you could what if you could see
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: old friends so that you can walk down memory lane
• 42:11
  Speaker 1: and experience the things that you enjoyed about being on campus.
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: For example, Somebody give me an example of a memory
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: or an exciting thing you'd like to share with an
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: old friend. For example, here the band. Hear the band
• 42:26
  Speaker 1: play and sing some of the old songs. And that's
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: not all, And that's not all. You what you can
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: go to a great lecture on communicating in the moment.
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: I love it. Do you see how easy that was?
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Do you see how the structure helps you? And it
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: made it very concise. So by focusing on these two
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: messaging elements structure and focus, you can actually be much
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: better at speaking in the moment. So some resources for
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: you to continue learning the concepts and others. I host
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: a podcast for the Business School. It's called Think Fast,
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: Talk Smart. It's all about communication skills. I get to
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: interview experts from around campus and around the world on
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: how to be better communicators. Lots of your favorite faculty
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: have been guests on the show. In this show, I'm
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: proud to say has won many prestigious awards, including Best
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: dog Walking Podcast and Best Commute Podcasts. Because our episodes
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: are very concise and short twenty minutes, we've won some
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: other ones as well. And there's a picture of the book,
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: Think Faster, Talk Smarter. If you take a shot of
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: this QR code, it'll take you to a whole bunch
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: of resources that I make available to our students here
• 43:40
  Speaker 1: and elsewhere. I encourage all of you to think about
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: how you can be a better in the moment speaker.
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: It takes time and it takes practice. The only way
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: you get better at communication, planned or spontaneous is three things. Repetition, reflection,
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: and feedback. Repetition, reflection, and feedback back. You have to practice.
• 44:03
  Speaker 1: You have to think about what's working and what's not working.
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: And you have to seek out advice and guidance from teachers,
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: from colleagues, from mentors to help. That's how we get better.