Latest / Motherhood Uncut / Back to School with Deb Rubin | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 6 Episode 4

Transcript

Back to School with Deb Rubin | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 6 Episode 4 · Motherhood Uncut

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm Kate Kripke and welcome to the Motherhood Uncut Podcast.
0:05
SPEAKER_01: This podcast brings the reality of motherhood to the table for real, honest conversations.
0:11
SPEAKER_01: Here we laugh, we cry, we learn, we grow, we are awestruck, amazed, humbled, and validated.
0:19
SPEAKER_01: But most importantly, together we begin to live in a new way that allows us to recognize the immense role that our own health and well-being plays in the health and well-being of our kids.
0:31
SPEAKER_01: Together, we recognize that everything we do to take care of our physical, psychological, social, and spiritual health is in service of our children.
0:41
SPEAKER_01: This season we are diving deep into the role that the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and rules and expectations play in our motherhood journey.
0:49
SPEAKER_01: Together, this season, we will learn to break those boundaries that hold us back from our greatest potential.
0:55
SPEAKER_01: We're gonna hear from moms who have taken this risk, from experts who help in this journey, and from family members who, Lord help me, have important insight to share.
1:05
SPEAKER_01: So pull up a chair, my friend, make a cup of tea, pour a glass of wine, put on your walking shoes, turn up the volume in your car.
1:13
SPEAKER_01: Let's do this together because nobody should mother alone.
1:26
SPEAKER_01: Lucky us, we get Deb Ruben back today.
1:29
SPEAKER_01: So today, Deb and I are just going to have one of our banter sessions around this crazy time of year back to school and what this chaos looks like, what we can do about it, and how to bring a little humor to the table.
1:44
SPEAKER_01: So as always, do what you need to do.
1:47
SPEAKER_01: Put on those earbuds, put on those walking shoes, pour yourself something to drink, sit down, take a load off, or take us with you.
1:55
SPEAKER_01: We're here to mother alongside.
2:00
SPEAKER_01: Hey, if you're a mom balancing a demanding career or other passions in life with the joys and challenges of raising young kids, I want you to know that I see you.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: I understand the pressure to be perfect at work and at home and the constant feeling that you might be falling short in both.
2:17
SPEAKER_01: You're not alone, and there is a way to feel more in control and connected.
2:21
SPEAKER_01: It's pretty universal, right?
2:22
SPEAKER_01: When we become moms, we jump into action mode.
2:25
SPEAKER_01: We focus all of our attention on our kiddos and we fall farther and farther away from allowing ourselves to tend to what we need to also feel okay.
2:34
SPEAKER_01: With all the to-dos, any resources spent on ourselves feel unnecessary, wasted, and maybe even selfish.
2:41
SPEAKER_01: But of course, whether we acknowledge it or not, we all learn very quickly that we simply can't be our best in anything when we're depleted.
2:49
SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing I also want you to understand today.
2:53
SPEAKER_01: When moms like you and me are stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, it doesn't just affect us.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: It can have long-lasting effects on our kids' mental health and development.
3:04
SPEAKER_01: The pressure you're feeling could be shaping your child's future in ways you never imagined.
3:08
SPEAKER_01: When we are overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism, trying to meet impossible standards in both our careers and motherhood.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: But that pressure doesn't just hurt us, it impacts our kids too because we become more anxious.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: We take more things personally, and we have very little tolerance for any discomfort that our children feel.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: Kids who grow up without a secure attachment are more likely to struggle with anxiety, insecurity, and difficulties forming healthy relationships.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: They absorb our stress and it can lead to challenges that affect their entire lives.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: But it doesn't have to be this way.
3:47
SPEAKER_01: That's why I created the Calm Connection System, a transformative science-based program specifically designed to help turn your guilt, anxiety, and overwhelm into clarity, confidence, and calm.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: With the Calm Connection System, you can break free of the pressures that hold you back.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: You can nurture a secure attachment with your kiddo, and you can still thrive in your career or other passions outside of motherhood.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: I've spent 20 years as a maternal and child mental health specialist helping more than 6,000 women, just like you transform their lives with strategies that are practical, science-backed, and deeply empathetic.
4:23
SPEAKER_01: As a mom of two teenage daughters, I've walked this path myself, balancing the demands of motherhood with a career that I am passionate about.
4:31
SPEAKER_01: I know what it takes to find that balance, and I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
4:35
SPEAKER_01: But the Calm Connection System isn't just about managing your stress.
4:39
SPEAKER_01: It's about creating a life where you can pursue your ambitions and be the mom that you want to be.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: A life where you and your children feel secure, connected, and capable of facing the world with confidence.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: If you're ready to take the first step towards a more balanced, fulfilling life for you and your family, I invite you to book a free call with me in the next few days.
5:02
SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about how the Calm Connection System can help you create the life for you and your children that you all deserve while continuing to share your incredible gifts with the world.
5:12
SPEAKER_01: Book your call now so we can discuss whether or not this program is a fit for you.
5:15
SPEAKER_01: And regardless, you're going to walk away from our call with new clarity about what's causing your anxiety and things that you can do to access now more now, access more confidence and calm both at home and at work.
5:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to make sure that you have a few easy things that will help you right away, whether we work together or not.
5:33
SPEAKER_01: As a reminder, decades of research has confirmed that untreated anxiety in moms causes anxiety in kids.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: And the fastest and most effective way to make sure that your kiddo is healthy is to do what you need to do to make sure that you are healthy.
5:48
SPEAKER_01: You absolutely can excel both outside of motherhood and inside of motherhood, giving your child everything that they need to live a long, healthy, and happy life.
5:59
SPEAKER_01: This call is where you start, and the link is in the show notes.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: I look forward to seeing you there.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: Hey listeners, I want to tell you about the one clock.
6:08
SPEAKER_01: The one clock is a clock that is designed to help you wake up in the way that your nervous system most needs to move through the day with calm and clarity.
6:21
SPEAKER_01: You know those clocks that wake you up in the morning with that loud beep that jars you out of sleep, you know, with your heart racing?
6:29
SPEAKER_01: This is not the one clock.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: The one clock is designed with Grammy Award-winning musicians that have taken the science behind waking up and turned that into the most amazing music that you have ever woken up to.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: It's going to help you start your day with ease and clarity.
6:48
SPEAKER_01: And not only that, but the clock itself, it's like a piece of art.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: It is beautiful.
6:53
SPEAKER_01: So if you're looking for something to help you manage your nervous system and start your day that's going to set you up for success, I invite you to check out the one clock.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: Information is in the show notes.
7:05
SPEAKER_01: Hi, Deb.
7:06
SPEAKER_01: Hi, Kate.
7:06
SPEAKER_01: It's podcasting.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: It sounds familiar.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: Deb, you're back.
7:13
SPEAKER_01: So nice to see you.
7:15
SPEAKER_01: Miss you.
7:16
SPEAKER_01: Miss you.
7:17
SPEAKER_01: Well, I miss you.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm seeing you, but not here on the podcast.
7:20
SPEAKER_02: I miss you on the podcast.
7:21
SPEAKER_02: I miss us on the podcast.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: I miss us on the podcast.
7:24
SPEAKER_01: And I think that everybody misses us on the podcast.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: It's actually something I keep hearing over and over.
7:29
SPEAKER_01: I think people are really appreciating this season and what we're bringing to the season.
7:36
SPEAKER_01: But people love our banter.
7:38
SPEAKER_01: And of course, your ideas and your wisdom as well.
7:40
SPEAKER_01: But I think people miss you having you a part of this.
7:44
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's what's coming through on the thank you, listeners.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: And our banter is really fun.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: Well, our banter is so fun.
7:53
SPEAKER_01: And so we have um we have not much planned except to banter about a topic.
7:57
SPEAKER_01: Although I do want to remind you and our listeners that the whole theme of season six is um breaking through the shoulds and the shouldn'ts and the expectations and all those things that hold us back from our deepest, fullest potential as humans and motherhood, mothers that are based on this like inner dialogue that we have with ourselves that creates all kinds of self-criticism and lack of potential and all those things.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: So we're really breaking the breaking through those shoulds here if the sense is amazing.
8:33
SPEAKER_02: And the interviews I've heard are so good.
8:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, thanks.
8:36
SPEAKER_02: And you're doing such a good job.
8:37
SPEAKER_02: And it's hard to pull to like do it all alone.
8:42
SPEAKER_02: So I just want to like acknowledge that and bow to you because that's not easy.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: And you're doing it really beautifully.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
8:50
SPEAKER_01: As you know, um uh I do it very makeshiftly.
8:54
SPEAKER_01: Like I want you to make sure you're talking closer so that people can hear you.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: I know we don't have our microphone set up today.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: Um, so you know, it is thank you.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: I appreciate that.
9:06
SPEAKER_01: I love this podcast, as you know so well.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I love it even more when you're on it.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: So thanks.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: Thanks for having me back.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: Debers, Debers, Debers.
9:14
SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's what my dad calls me.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: Deber.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: Uh I've I don't know if I've ever called you that.
9:18
SPEAKER_01: I know, I like it.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: I like it.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: Debers, Deborah.
9:21
SPEAKER_01: Okay, Deborah Debras.
9:23
SPEAKER_01: So what have we been talking about today?
9:25
SPEAKER_01: Okay, freaking school.
9:27
SPEAKER_02: We were talking earlier about that school is started and what a like perfect time for shit to go sideways.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: What a perfect time for shit to go sideways.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: And so, yeah, so let's just like I mean, let's I don't even think we've laid it out together yet.
9:44
SPEAKER_02: No, about like the back to school fucking shit going sideways land.
9:52
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think it's so interesting because it's like summer is really short, actually.
9:55
SPEAKER_02: And I think it takes like a whole month or so to like settle into the whatever summer is gonna look like any change, and then and then and then when school starts, I think many of us are like, yeah, thank god, structure.
10:10
SPEAKER_02: And then many of us are like, oh making lunches again, waking people up.
10:15
SPEAKER_02: Like, there's so many different stages of the transition, but no matter what, it it looks like it's a change, and change brings up uh sideways-ness sometimes.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: It so does it's so interesting that that I mean, I think many of us feel a little of both, of course, but that like two two camps.
10:36
SPEAKER_01: There are often two camps.
10:37
SPEAKER_01: So, like, thank goodness I have structure.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: Like, bye-bye, bye-bye, go to school.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: Now I have this space.
10:43
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: And then there are the people that are like, oh, school, I want some, I want summer.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: I don't want summer that's expansiveness.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not like the time and the space to hang out.
10:54
SPEAKER_01: We're what yeah, we're what camp are you doing?
10:57
SPEAKER_01: Well, my transition this year has just been a doozy because we came back from Japan.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: So I came back from Japan.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Our girls only had six weeks of quote unquote summer vacation.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: No, I'm sorry, four weeks of summer vacation, something like that, because of when school ended and when school began, school ended in Japan and when school started here.
11:13
SPEAKER_02: That's very short.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: I think it was yeah, somewhere between four and six weeks.
11:18
SPEAKER_01: And I think I came back from a life that felt spacious and easeful and easy when I had didn't own my house, didn't have a dog to get care of, didn't have a car, had every afternoon off because of the time difference.
11:40
SPEAKER_01: My kids were independent as all get out because it's so safe there.
11:44
SPEAKER_01: The public there was no carpooling.
11:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: So different.
11:47
SPEAKER_01: I mean, we were in a community, but not really.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: So we had no obligation, no responsibility to like engage in the community in any way.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
11:56
SPEAKER_01: I mean, there was like no responsibilities.
11:58
SPEAKER_01: And then I came back to Colorado and I was hit by like the by life, really.
12:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
12:03
SPEAKER_01: So I think for me, the transition was.
12:06
SPEAKER_02: I know, I mean, I've been watching you go through the transition, but just hearing it all in one, like lump sum.
12:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm just I feel that.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, talk about the shoulds.
12:16
SPEAKER_01: I mean, the girls who are now see a senior and a sophomore are coasted right in.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: I mean, kids are resilient.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: Yes, they just like found their way.
12:26
SPEAKER_01: I have been like feeling I've gone walking in like two big shoes.
12:29
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
12:30
SPEAKER_01: I'm like clumsy and like falling.
12:32
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
12:33
SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of it is because of the shoulds.
12:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: Because the way of life in Japan is the culture, the air that I was breathing there, like the culture, the way people go about things, it's all so different.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: And I think I told myself I wanted to come back and be easeful and only do what's essential and not take on too much.
12:55
SPEAKER_01: And then within like three days, I was spinning around like a right, and I got sucked right back in to all the shoulds.
13:02
SPEAKER_02: Of course, uh, of course.
13:06
SPEAKER_02: And are there any shoulds that you're like letting go of right now with entering the year?
13:12
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think I want to trust my children more.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: I think when I was in Japan, that it was really was so safe.
13:21
SPEAKER_01: So so the the kind of environment didn't have the same risks.
13:25
SPEAKER_01: I mean, the easiest one to describe is that no one was driving because there's public transport, so I didn't have to worry about my teenager driving.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: But I think there was a way in which I trusted them so much, and then I catch myself being a little more fear-based here.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and that's not helpful for anyone.
13:41
SPEAKER_02: Totally.
13:42
SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's so God.
13:44
SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I'm like, I live in that totally.
13:47
SPEAKER_01: So it's amazing.
13:48
SPEAKER_02: And I don't even really notice it.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, like, what are the fears as as we treat as you get back to fall, as you come back to quote unquote life, you and you and how we did all this great travel.
14:00
SPEAKER_01: You were out in the wilderness, you were like in your favorite spot, like playing and riding and being in nature.
14:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I had a very nature summer.
14:06
SPEAKER_02: It was really good.
14:08
SPEAKER_02: Well, let me I guess the first thing when you say where do I, what camp am I in?
14:13
SPEAKER_02: I think when they were younger, I was a hundred percent in the camp of I need structure again.
14:19
SPEAKER_02: Yes, like I need everyone to be like in their place.
14:23
SPEAKER_02: And now I actually kind of I love the summer vibes, like the flow.
14:27
SPEAKER_02: I love that my kids are more relaxed, and like so.
14:31
SPEAKER_02: I think I'm grieving a little bit of like the stress that they're feeling of like going into a world again, healthy, normal stress, necessary to develop resiliency, but just due dates and you know, school and college, it's college.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: It's what classes, it's who's paying for what part of the car.
14:56
SPEAKER_02: Totally, totally, totally.
14:58
SPEAKER_02: So, but the but on the flip side, I also like to be when I was working, I took some time off, but then I was back in work and they were not.
15:08
SPEAKER_02: And that's a hard one to juggle for me because they expected me to like respond to their texts, and I was like, remember, I'm still at work, like you're not at school, but I'm at you know, so that was that's actually been a bit of a hard thing to be like, I cannot answer my phone until the end of the day.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: Um wait, can I ask you a question about that?
15:26
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:27
SPEAKER_01: So when you were in work mode and your two teenage daughters, so different than folks who have younger kids, obviously, but your two teenage daughters were in summer mode.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: So lack of structure, did it pull at your heart to want to be in summer mode with them?
15:43
SPEAKER_01: Like, was there any of that like FOMO feeling?
15:47
SPEAKER_02: Were you like annoyed that you were in structure and they weren't?
15:50
SPEAKER_02: Not really, because I did take care of myself and had a break.
15:53
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
15:54
SPEAKER_02: So by the time when I got back to my workflow, I was very ready to be working and like doing what I love to do.
16:01
SPEAKER_02: So, no, in fact, I was just annoyed with them.
16:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
16:06
SPEAKER_02: And but I was loving that they were sleeping.
16:09
SPEAKER_02: Like, I actually, when I see them like catching up on sleep, and I know how much their brain needs sleep, I'm so happy.
16:15
SPEAKER_02: I'm like anything out there.
16:17
SPEAKER_02: Totally, you know, and Sage was working a lot, and Tess was not.
16:20
SPEAKER_02: Um, she was working some, but not enough.
16:23
SPEAKER_02: But they had enough to keep them accountable.
16:26
SPEAKER_02: But yeah, so that's so that's kind of the camp that I've been in lately.
16:31
SPEAKER_02: So I think missing summer flow for them.
16:35
SPEAKER_02: What fears am I having?
16:42
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I would say in this very moment, I'm like trusting.
16:47
SPEAKER_02: I just am trusting of them to go in their journey.
16:51
SPEAKER_02: Like I have, I mean, there isn't little like nuggets of fear around friendships and around their value systems being clear and around making good choices, and those, those are like always there.
17:09
SPEAKER_02: But I think the louder voice that I'm working hard to activate is I have given them tools, they are writing their own narratives now, they are they are painting their portraits, and I have to really step back over and over.
17:27
SPEAKER_02: I'm there, as I've said before, like the plant in the room, you know, that provides oxygen.
17:33
SPEAKER_02: But I like that metaphor.
17:35
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
17:36
SPEAKER_02: But I am not there like compass steering at the time.
17:42
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm not driving as much at all.
17:46
SPEAKER_02: But then, and here's the funny thing that we can just like riff on for a minute, is then the second they need me, they really need me right in that moment.
17:54
SPEAKER_02: But then most of the time they don't need me.
17:56
SPEAKER_02: And that is such a weird, annoying, hard dance.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: What do you do?
18:02
SPEAKER_01: No, wait, let me ask you a question first.
18:04
SPEAKER_01: They think they need you in the moment.
18:05
SPEAKER_01: Do they really, like from your perspective, do they really need you in the moment?
18:09
SPEAKER_01: Or is it teenage impulsive that thing?
18:13
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would say it's it's not danger.
18:15
SPEAKER_02: It's not danger need, but for them it's very real impulsive need.
18:20
SPEAKER_02: And it depends on the situation.
18:22
SPEAKER_02: So I'll give you an example.
18:24
SPEAKER_02: Did I answer your question on the fear?
18:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I was just more curious about like like I I actually woke up this morning and my and I still feel a little bit of it right now.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: Like my my heart is tense.
18:38
SPEAKER_01: I ha I feel anxious today.
18:40
SPEAKER_01: And it's dull, it's not all consuming, but it's like in the background.
18:45
SPEAKER_01: It's like that dull, annoying noise in the background that sometimes you stop what you're doing, and you're like, wait, has that been yeah, you know what I mean?
18:51
SPEAKER_01: Has that sound been going on all day?
18:53
SPEAKER_01: And you're like, it's in the background.
18:54
SPEAKER_01: I only notice it sometimes.
18:56
SPEAKER_01: Like, I think I'm feeling that because I suddenly am holding these sort of like my nervous system is activated.
19:05
SPEAKER_01: Did something happen to trigger that?
19:07
SPEAKER_01: No.
19:07
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so it's just no, it's more just like it's Monday.
19:11
SPEAKER_01: I have a lot on my mind.
19:12
SPEAKER_01: I think a lot of is sort of perceived threat, not real threat.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think that's what I mean by like when I was in Japan, all those perceived threats were gone.
19:20
SPEAKER_01: That is wild.
19:22
SPEAKER_01: It was wild and rare and traveling.
19:24
SPEAKER_01: It's so rare.
19:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I think now it's back, and so that's what I mean.
19:28
SPEAKER_01: Like, I like the fear of like, you know, my Kinley came home, she was in um San Diego for a soccer tournament.
19:35
SPEAKER_01: She flew back last night, and then she and a friend drove themselves from the airport back home at midnight.
19:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, I think part of the reason I'm feeling angry is because I didn't sleep very well last night.
19:45
SPEAKER_01: That makes sense, it all makes sense.
19:47
SPEAKER_01: But my point is, like, I haven't had to worry about that.
19:50
SPEAKER_01: So it's that that's what I meant.
19:52
SPEAKER_01: Those background fears that are just sort of nagging a little bit.
19:55
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, actually, I can relate on the sense when my kids were gone this summer for for like camp or whatever and service.
20:03
SPEAKER_02: Like I couldn't be in touch with them.
20:06
SPEAKER_02: Like, there was really and I just like for the first time actually ever was able to like cut my emotional cord pretty quickly.
20:14
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and just be like, they're in good hands, there's adults around them that are really solid humans.
20:21
SPEAKER_02: I I can relax.
20:22
SPEAKER_01: And that nervous system acting away.
20:25
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so that I hear you, like, and then when they're back, it's like, yeah, your brain, my brain never fully turns off.
20:32
SPEAKER_02: Yes, that's what I mean.
20:33
SPEAKER_02: I totally get that.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's that's real.
20:36
SPEAKER_02: That's that's mothering.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: That's like that's just mothering.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: So when you go, when you ask about like the impulsive need, so I had a funny thing happen this weekend where it was Tess, my younger daughter's birthday weekend.
20:50
SPEAKER_02: And so Saturday night she went out with friends and they she took people some people out to dinner.
20:57
SPEAKER_02: Her friends, small groups, and they didn't want me around, like there was no place for me.
21:03
SPEAKER_02: And luckily for that, I also had a wedding to go to, so I really wasn't available.
21:09
SPEAKER_02: And so this was actually the first time ever that um that Tess had like a birthday party without me there, or Howie.
21:18
SPEAKER_02: It's funny, as I'm saying this, I'm noticing like a little shame of like being judged, and I'm like, that's interesting.
21:24
SPEAKER_01: By the world totally, I'm like, Don't worry, no one will hear you.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: We won't tell anyone.
21:30
SPEAKER_02: That's so interesting though, because that fear of being judged is like so young and old.
21:36
SPEAKER_02: And so anyway, I'll say it again.
21:38
SPEAKER_02: My daughter had a birthday party, I was not available.
21:41
SPEAKER_02: And that was the first time for her.
21:44
SPEAKER_02: And she told me a hundred times, I don't, what are you gonna do?
21:47
SPEAKER_02: Be in the restaurant with us?
21:49
SPEAKER_02: Like, I don't want you there.
21:50
SPEAKER_02: Like, we're gonna get to the restaurant.
21:52
SPEAKER_02: It's we're we live close to downtown, they had my credit card, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
21:57
SPEAKER_02: And then I was like, okay, and when you come home, I'm gonna have a whole like dessert bar waiting for you that so you guys can have dessert at home and celebrate, whatever.
22:06
SPEAKER_02: But I was very clear that I won't be there.
22:08
SPEAKER_02: But she like is a teenager that doesn't fully listen and and um must have missed that part of the conversation about you not being there, about me not being there when they got home.
22:19
SPEAKER_02: And I was like, it was only 9:30.
22:21
SPEAKER_02: I was like deep in my wedding mode, and yeah, and um so you were dancing on the table.
22:27
SPEAKER_02: I was, yeah, I was stripping.
22:28
SPEAKER_02: No, I'm just no, I was just having fun, and I didn't have my phone close by me, but I was checking like every hour.
22:35
SPEAKER_02: Anyway, there was this half an hour window where Tess was surprised that I wasn't home, and she she called me like every minute on the minute for like a half an hour.
22:46
SPEAKER_02: And when I looked at my phone and saw like a bazillion calls, I bugged and I like ran outside and was like, What's wrong?
22:51
SPEAKER_02: She's like, Well, why aren't you here?
22:53
SPEAKER_02: And my heart like sank, and I was like, Oh, babe, because I'm at this wedding, it's only 9:30, like, probably give me home around 11.
23:02
SPEAKER_02: And don't you remember we had that conversation?
23:04
SPEAKER_02: She was like, but but but you know, and got very upset.
23:08
SPEAKER_02: And I had this moment where I was like, I wanted to defend myself, and I also really wanted to listen to her.
23:17
SPEAKER_02: And it was, you know, those are hard moments of like wanting to empathize, but also be like, I did, I'm not doing anything.
23:26
SPEAKER_02: What the fuck?
23:28
SPEAKER_02: Luckily, I don't know what happened, but I was just able to listen and I could just I didn't even have to over-empathize because that's not really helpful either in these moments.
23:38
SPEAKER_02: But I was like, Oh, you thought I was gonna be here.
23:41
SPEAKER_02: I basically could stick with the facts, like you thought we miscommunicated, you know, and I was like, You thought I was gonna be here, and and now you're having dessert.
23:49
SPEAKER_02: And and is it possible that there's no one there to put a candle in the dessert?
23:54
SPEAKER_02: And that's what I like realized like there was not an adult leading the birthday song.
24:00
SPEAKER_02: And she was just like, Yeah, yeah.
24:03
SPEAKER_02: And she it just kind of quieted everything.
24:05
SPEAKER_02: And then I was like, Do you want me to come home right now?
24:08
SPEAKER_02: Like, I actually didn't do the like, you're fine, you're resilient, you got this.
24:13
SPEAKER_02: I in that moment was like, I will come home right the second.
24:16
SPEAKER_02: She was like, No, no, no, I definitely don't need you to come home.
24:19
SPEAKER_02: And it was so it was just, and that was the end.
24:22
SPEAKER_02: And then I came home like an hour and a half later, and she was good, and everything, and we talked about the next day.
24:27
SPEAKER_02: I was like, Well, it seems like maybe I let you down last night a little bit.
24:31
SPEAKER_02: And I also am a little annoyed that you don't remember me being really clear, like there was room for both, but there was room for both later, later, because in the moment it was too charged, and I was like charged too.
24:44
SPEAKER_02: And we had a great conversation, but it all ended up to be okay, but it was Hallie and I actually went.
24:51
SPEAKER_02: I told I filled him in.
24:52
SPEAKER_02: We like were sitting at this little table, and I was like, I I've just been parenting for the last like 45 minutes while you've been on the dance floor, and I was like, So here's what happened.
25:01
SPEAKER_02: And he said something he's so profound.
25:03
SPEAKER_02: He was like, This is this is just what it is right now.
25:07
SPEAKER_02: They don't need us, they don't want us anywhere close, but then when they need us, it's like they've never needed us more, and it's very emotional.
25:15
SPEAKER_02: And and we just giggled about it and like moved on.
25:19
SPEAKER_01: I think there's a really important and amazing point in here though, which is also about what does it mean to be there for our kids?
25:30
SPEAKER_01: Because I can understand, like we could totally understand how two other things could have happened that were less nuanced.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: You know, you were you were sort of you were very um, you were like surfing that wave.
25:47
SPEAKER_01: You know, there was nuance to that conversation.
25:50
SPEAKER_01: I can imagine one parent who would get on the call and feel so badly about needing there that that Emma, that what would happen is they'd be very defensive.
25:59
SPEAKER_01: What are you talking about?
26:00
SPEAKER_01: We have why of course, you know, like not tended to the feeling at all.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: Or the fact.
26:06
SPEAKER_02: Or or the like the fact is like, oh, I'm not there right now, and you need an adult.
26:12
SPEAKER_01: Right.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: But yes, I mean, that's the nuance.
26:14
SPEAKER_01: That's the weaving word.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: But we could see that there would be a parent who would just go into why are you mad at me?
26:19
SPEAKER_01: We had the conversation, you knew I wasn't gonna be there.
26:21
SPEAKER_01: Then we can see that there might be the parent who's like feels so badly and so guilty that they just go.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, even when the kid says, I don't need you, almost like now I need to overcompensate for how guilty I feel.
26:34
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
26:35
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna go anyway, totally, right?
26:37
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
26:38
SPEAKER_01: Because we think that when our kids need us, we need to be there in person.
26:44
SPEAKER_01: But she needed you and you were there for her, albeit annoying 45 minutes when you could have been on the dance floor, but still you are there for her just simply by saying, I see you.
26:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: What you're going through makes sense given what you heard.
27:01
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:02
SPEAKER_01: And that was all she really needed.
27:05
SPEAKER_02: Wow.
27:05
SPEAKER_02: Thanks for that.
27:06
SPEAKER_02: Isn't that you know what I mean?
27:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's like a really beautiful reflection, which is why we can be in really solid, caring, healthy relationships with our children and not be there all the time.
27:18
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes, to your point, or should exactly season where we mamas get caught up in, and it actually came up for me when I named the shame of feeling judged that like, should I have been there?
27:32
SPEAKER_02: Like, what are all these moms gonna think of me after I share this choice I made?
27:36
SPEAKER_01: But of course, if we sort of loosen the definition of be there, we would say, Oh, you were there.
27:41
SPEAKER_01: Sure, totally.
27:43
SPEAKER_02: You answered the call, and the shoulds are often connected to a fear of being judged.
27:49
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
27:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or not being enough.
27:52
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
27:56
SPEAKER_01: Wait, I have a question for you.
27:57
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
27:59
SPEAKER_01: How do you feel about your kids' teachers?
28:02
SPEAKER_02: Um, well, I miss parent night.
28:08
SPEAKER_02: We have another should I can't believe you were in a parent night.
28:16
SPEAKER_02: I was out of town, but Howie didn't go, and I was like, really?
28:19
SPEAKER_02: Um, but I it is kind of funny.
28:22
SPEAKER_02: I so I didn't actually meet them, but from what I but both, but I think part of that that I think Howie didn't go because both girls are are okay with all their teachers.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
28:33
SPEAKER_02: And that there's one, and it's a small town, so I'm not gonna say anything, but there's one that we're gonna supplement with the tutor because we already know that the teacher might not speak one of my kids' languages, and so we're already we got that in in line, and there's one teacher I'm really excited about.
28:53
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I think I'm just it's like I don't feel an attachment to every teacher being perfect.
29:00
SPEAKER_01: Well, I think this is why I asked.
29:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because I remember I think this time of year, espe almost especially when our kids are younger, you know, like kindergarten first, second, third, like who's your kids, who's your kids' fourth grade teacher?
29:14
SPEAKER_01: Do you remember that?
29:14
SPEAKER_01: Well, then I felt way more attached.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: Well, exactly.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: Wait, wait, wait.
29:18
SPEAKER_01: And it, you know, and I think it's just a funny time of year when we're sort of anticipating what the year is gonna be like for our kids based on first impressions.
29:27
SPEAKER_01: Totally, totally.
29:29
SPEAKER_01: And it's tricky to be disappointed in who your kids have as teachers or who is in their classes or isn't in their classes, or what's it gonna be like from and now we're in high school, so it's more like what's gonna be like for you if quote unquote none of your friends are at lunch with you.
29:45
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
29:45
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
29:47
SPEAKER_01: The dilemmas or the challenges change as our kids get older, but this is that time of year when we project forward all of our hopes, fears, and expectations for our kids.
29:56
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely, God, you're just bringing that up and remembering, like in elementary school specifically, I felt, I mean, I feel like the teacher's role is so important.
30:11
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
30:12
SPEAKER_02: And when, and I felt very attached to my kids having other adults whom they could rest and trust and learn from.
30:21
SPEAKER_02: And and I bowed to the teachers.
30:24
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I just think the teachers' role is so essential.
30:30
SPEAKER_02: So not so much was it a good teacher, bad teacher, but was it a good fit for my kids' personality?
30:37
SPEAKER_02: With kind of more where uh and my both my kids have really different personalities, and like one didn't fit with everyone, you know, and like I just I remember just feeling so nervous about that.
30:53
SPEAKER_02: So yeah, that's all I thought.
30:54
SPEAKER_01: But and that's but and that's how did you so did you ever have the beginning of a year where it whether it's middle school and high school or younger in elementary school, where one of your daughters had a teacher that you were really nervous about them having?
31:11
SPEAKER_01: It was like a disappointment that they were had that teacher where it turned out okay.
31:15
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
31:16
SPEAKER_01: Can you tell that story?
31:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
31:17
SPEAKER_01: In summary, yeah.
31:18
SPEAKER_02: I would say, I mean, I got pretty lucky in elementary school with great teachers.
31:23
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, there was one year that there was a teacher that was learning.
31:28
SPEAKER_02: And I remember I it turned out okay because I just realized I had to advocate a little more.
31:36
SPEAKER_02: And by advocating meant just like kind of sharing things about my kid to the teacher that the teacher might not pick up on because my kid knew how to like hide those parts of her.
31:47
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
31:48
SPEAKER_02: And so it was it was never confrontational.
31:51
SPEAKER_02: It was always like, hey, I want to just give you some insight of what's going on at home, just so you have the whole picture.
31:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:58
SPEAKER_02: And and it, and it did turn out okay because at least in this experience, the teacher wanted to know.
32:05
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
32:05
SPEAKER_02: And I remember I always have this thing of like, I don't want to be the squeaky wheel, and then also as a parent, I felt like it was my job to, if I thought there was a myth happening, that is my job.
32:18
SPEAKER_02: To advocate.
32:19
SPEAKER_02: To advocate, to have a hard conversation, totally, yes.
32:22
SPEAKER_02: And when a kiddo feels like someone's got their back, preferably their primary caretaker, yes, that is what I believe gives them a lot of resilience themselves.
32:33
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
32:33
SPEAKER_02: And having their back does not mean being in the emotional swimming pool with them, right?
32:38
SPEAKER_02: It doesn't mean you're I was freaking out, like, oh my God, Tessa's not being seen, and la la la la.
32:43
SPEAKER_02: Or, oh my gosh, we have to get you in a different teacher with the different we have to change your teacher.
32:47
SPEAKER_02: Totally.
32:47
SPEAKER_02: Or we have to like run away, leave, you know, there's times where you do, maybe, and times where you leaving a school is appropriate.
32:55
SPEAKER_02: But I would say most of the time, it's like, okay, how do we advocate really and rem and trust in our kids' potential and the teacher's potential?
33:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:06
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm sort of I'm like, there's no doubt that a school year is easier when our kids are in a teacher that's a good fit for our kids.
33:15
SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
33:16
SPEAKER_01: Like our life is easier when that happens because they're having their needs met.
33:19
SPEAKER_01: We don't have to have as many hard conversations.
33:21
SPEAKER_01: The teacher might just get like that, it is an easier school year.
33:24
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
33:26
SPEAKER_01: And if our kids always had everything easy, they would never build resilience.
33:33
SPEAKER_01: And either would we.
33:34
SPEAKER_01: And neither would we.
33:35
SPEAKER_01: And because we're learning new skills every day in motherhood.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: Right.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: And we're modeling.
33:40
SPEAKER_01: So I guess it's just always it's fun, it's sort of funny.
33:43
SPEAKER_01: We weren't planning on bringing this up in this conversation, but I think this time of year is often that time of year where we are uncomfortable on our children's behalf.
33:52
SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes we're uncomfortable even before they are.
33:55
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
33:56
SPEAKER_01: Because we're like, oh, I've quote unquote heard X, Y, or Z about that teacher.
34:00
SPEAKER_01: And like our kids don't know those things, no, right?
34:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we have a whole story.
34:04
SPEAKER_01: We have a whole story, or they're really uncomfortable.
34:08
SPEAKER_01: And we just jump to your point.
34:10
SPEAKER_01: We jump in that swimming pool with them.
34:11
SPEAKER_01: And it's just such a great chip time for us to like slow down.
34:16
SPEAKER_01: Like one of um Bridger's classes has like 37 kids in it or something.
34:22
SPEAKER_01: What class?
34:23
SPEAKER_01: Um, I can't, I don't, I don't even remember.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: One of those, one of her core classes at Boulder High.
34:28
SPEAKER_01: That's a lot.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: It's a lot of kids.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: And it, you know, they had there were 47 kids in the entire high school at their school in Tokyo.
34:36
SPEAKER_01: Wow.
34:37
SPEAKER_01: And I caught myself being angry, disappointed, FOMO for Tokyo, worried about my kid, like all that stuff.
34:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
34:50
SPEAKER_01: Whereas, and then of course, if I can like catch it and slow down, I can also see the side of like, how might this experience actually be really powerful?
35:01
SPEAKER_01: Like amazing.
35:02
SPEAKER_01: How do you how does how what is it like to have to learn to share your voice in a class where there's 37 kids or 38 kids, whatever it is?
35:10
SPEAKER_01: Because it's easy to fall behind, it's easy to be quiet.
35:12
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
35:13
SPEAKER_01: And then it's an opportunity to sort of get out there and to ask for extra help and to, I don't, whatever.
35:20
SPEAKER_02: But but you're taking an annoying scenario and looking at it as a yeah, which is like quite frankly, if I don't do that, I'm gonna be pissed all year.
35:28
SPEAKER_02: And I don't feel like being pissed all year.
35:30
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
35:31
SPEAKER_02: I've been caught up in that with FOMO of curriculums of different schools, yes, yeah.
35:37
SPEAKER_02: And being like, oh, I wish, and then I'm like, what?
35:43
SPEAKER_02: That is not helping anyone, and it's not helping me, and it's especially not helping the energy I have around the school or our kids, because then yeah, I know, and it seems so like easier said than done, because it is easier said than done, but I think to your point, and your whole like mission in life is like how do you really adjust what you're gonna focus on and how you believe and the thoughts you tell yourself to not be bumping all the time, otherwise you're stuck quite frankly, simply to feel better.
36:18
SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's what we're talking about.
36:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like I could feel anxious and disappointed and angry all year if I focused all my attention on how crazy I think it is that there's 37 or 38 kids in one class with one teacher, right?
36:33
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm not gonna feel very good.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: No, you can get stuck there, and by the way, there's probably not a lot I can do about it, right?
36:39
SPEAKER_01: Which is the other thing.
36:40
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, where do I want to put my agency?
36:43
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'd rather feel better.
36:44
SPEAKER_01: I'd rather feel hopeful and grounded and calm.
36:49
SPEAKER_01: So I'm just gonna like shift my perspective.
36:52
SPEAKER_01: And how does Brinter feel about it?
36:54
SPEAKER_01: She said something really interesting.
36:56
SPEAKER_01: She said the only two times I talked to my teacher today was when I said hello, when I walked in, and when I said thank you when I left.
37:03
SPEAKER_01: And again, I may not have had this comparative experience had we not been in Tokyo, where there's small enough classes that they're conversing about what they're learning.
37:13
SPEAKER_01: Like the the critical thinking.
37:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like the whole class is about a conversation about the learning.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: It's not teaching, taking notes, right?
37:22
SPEAKER_01: Right.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: And she's bummed.
37:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's bummed.
37:26
SPEAKER_01: And whatever, what are you gonna do?
37:28
SPEAKER_01: I mean, she's kind of like, yeah, it's really annoying.
37:32
unknown: Right.
37:32
SPEAKER_01: This what's for dinner?
37:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:35
SPEAKER_02: Right.
37:35
SPEAKER_02: So she's not dealing on it either.
37:37
SPEAKER_02: I mean, I it makes me do you think she would be receptive to you like encouraging small group discussion or something like that.
37:47
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm gonna I'm gonna give the teachers at Boulder High the benefit of the doubt that in a big class like that, they're going to have the kids in smaller groups for discussion.
37:58
SPEAKER_01: And we've been at school long enough to know that that's usually what happens in a big class.
38:02
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
38:03
SPEAKER_01: Um I love that.
38:04
SPEAKER_02: That's another huge thing, giving the benefit of the doubt.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
38:08
SPEAKER_02: To feel better.
38:10
SPEAKER_02: Totally.
38:11
SPEAKER_02: It's just like it loosens everything up.
38:13
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
38:14
SPEAKER_01: I think I also just the answer is no, I'm not sure I would encourage her to do that.
38:19
SPEAKER_01: I think if she worked, if she came home and was complaining about feeling behind or not having enough attention, then I might have that conversation.
38:27
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
38:28
SPEAKER_01: Honestly, I don't, whatever.
38:30
SPEAKER_01: Like there's too many other things in my brain.
38:32
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
38:33
SPEAKER_02: And I think to your point, and you know this, that advice isn't usually received asked.
38:39
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, totally.
38:40
SPEAKER_02: Especially from adolescents.
38:41
SPEAKER_02: Like too much advice giving is like they probably probably aren't gonna really receive it anyway.
38:49
SPEAKER_01: So, given that beautiful statement, as we wrap up, although you know, we could always stay here and talk forever.
38:56
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm curious, yes, as we look ahead at the school year, if you take on the lens of um paying attention to and then challenging the shoulds or the shouldn'ts that get in way in our way of feeling good in motherhood.
39:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna put you on the spot.
39:16
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
39:17
SPEAKER_01: What advice?
39:18
SPEAKER_01: As if people are asking, let's pretend they are.
39:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
39:21
SPEAKER_01: What advice do you have for our listeners about the start of school, about this season when kids are heading off into this next school year and there's all this uncertainty and all this unpredictability?
39:36
SPEAKER_01: How do we mother, let's say, the older age kids at this point, that sort of like preteen, teen, school age child?
39:46
SPEAKER_00: What advice do you have for us?
39:50
SPEAKER_00: Trying to think general.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: Um, like the general pop.
39:55
SPEAKER_02: Um, yeah.
39:56
SPEAKER_02: So I mean, I have more direct questions if you need them.
39:59
SPEAKER_02: I'm just curious to know what comes up first.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I mean, so you're asking how as a how how can I speak to my what advice can I give mothers to support their kids during uncertainty right now?
40:09
SPEAKER_02: Sure, that's a fine, that's a fine way to interpret my question.
40:12
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
40:13
SPEAKER_02: Um or themselves.
40:16
SPEAKER_02: So it's it's gonna be things we've said a million times.
40:19
SPEAKER_01: That's okay.
40:20
SPEAKER_01: We have new listeners every year.
40:22
SPEAKER_02: One is, I mean, when we feel the anxiety in ourselves, we have to really check in, check it and get curious with it of like, is there actually something to be worried about?
40:34
SPEAKER_02: Is this worry something that I can befriend or that I can put down, you know, and put down?
40:41
SPEAKER_02: Is there a problem that needs to be solved?
40:43
SPEAKER_02: And if you start kind of going through those questions, like, is there a problem that needs to be solved right now?
40:49
SPEAKER_02: That's very clear, like, oh, I have to call the guidance counselor, or is there a problem that is maybe needs to be solved in three years, you know, like big picture things?
41:00
SPEAKER_02: Like, I can put that in a different bucket and not and change the channel in my brain.
41:05
SPEAKER_02: So, really starting to have conversations with ourselves around what is my anxiety trying to tell me right now.
41:12
SPEAKER_02: So, and that starts with ourselves always.
41:15
SPEAKER_02: I would say during any transitional time, we like up our game of resourcing ourselves.
41:22
SPEAKER_02: And so, you know, we whether it's an easy transition or not, it's still transitions.
41:27
SPEAKER_02: So remembering to get outside, remembering to drink lots of water, remembering to find a friend to vent to, you know, journaling, shaking, all the things we know that like help keep us present, right?
41:40
SPEAKER_02: And then when it comes to how we work with our kids, it's like, well, all of those behaviors are gonna continuously make you the adult that is safe for them to land.
41:50
SPEAKER_02: And so that I think is the ultimate goal.
41:53
SPEAKER_02: Like, how can I be the adult in the room that they can let it all hang out with and be messy and cry and complain and talk shit about people and do the things that adolescents do because that's part of their process.
42:05
SPEAKER_02: But if we can create a container where that's welcomed, you know, maybe with a time limit, but that's healthy, safe boundaries.
42:12
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yeah, yeah.
42:13
SPEAKER_02: Then they are going to have a place to come home and get resourced.
42:17
SPEAKER_02: And then the last piece I'll just say is naming it to our kiddos.
42:22
SPEAKER_02: Like starting new school years is uncertain.
42:25
SPEAKER_02: Friend groups change.
42:27
SPEAKER_02: You don't know the relationships you're gonna have with your teachers.
42:30
SPEAKER_02: Getting on the bus is scary.
42:31
SPEAKER_02: Like there's just that's all really, really normal.
42:35
SPEAKER_02: So just naming it, you know, as trusting your instincts that they might need it named often.
42:41
SPEAKER_02: Some might just need it named like on Monday mornings, you know, but a little just one liner of like, hey, this is normal and you got this.
42:49
SPEAKER_01: I think that that last part, which is like we can so unintentionally teach our children that their feelings are wrong.
43:01
SPEAKER_01: Because when our kids come home and they don't like their teacher or they feel anxious because their friends aren't at lunch with them, or it's so easy to be like, oh, don't even worry about that.
43:09
SPEAKER_01: You'll meet new friends.
43:10
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
43:11
SPEAKER_01: Like we it's so uncomfortable to sit with our kids' discomfort and to be able to like of course you were really hoping you would have friends in your lunch period.
43:22
SPEAKER_01: Of course, you're bummed.
43:23
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
43:24
SPEAKER_01: I'm reminded in hearing you talk about this about something I learned so beautifully from you way back when when our girls were little, about how much more important it is to be connected with our kids.
43:40
SPEAKER_01: To to to um to be how much more important it is to be connected than it is to be right.
43:46
SPEAKER_02: It's one of my favorite.
43:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think you say it more beautifully than that.
43:50
SPEAKER_01: But just this whole thing about how when we get in these power struggles, which are often around our kids acting or behaving, or sometimes feeling ways that we wish they weren't acting or behaving or Feeling.
44:00
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
44:01
SPEAKER_01: And that we can get so focused on the behave, just the thing that's happening that we want to change that we forget that in that moment is the moment to build connection.
44:11
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
44:12
SPEAKER_01: And this is a time when there's so many transitions to your point.
44:15
SPEAKER_01: They're bumpy.
44:16
SPEAKER_01: There's so much awkwardness.
44:18
SPEAKER_01: So awkward.
44:19
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
44:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
44:20
SPEAKER_02: And they're regardless of the age, they're not perfect.
44:25
SPEAKER_02: And neither are we.
44:26
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
44:27
SPEAKER_02: And they're gonna say their own thing and they're gonna do something out of alignment of their truth, and they're gonna lie, and they're gonna gossip, and they're just gonna do things that are not awesome at times.
44:38
SPEAKER_02: And like, you know, that's when we have to like let it land, validate, and then and then there's room to be like, hey, are you can I give you a little parent adult perspective?
44:52
SPEAKER_02: Or do you want my opinion on this?
44:54
SPEAKER_02: Or do you want to problem solve this?
44:55
SPEAKER_02: You know, or do you want to workshop this?
44:57
SPEAKER_02: One of my favorites.
44:58
SPEAKER_02: And giving them the choice.
44:59
SPEAKER_02: And I would imagine a lot of times when there's like an initial connection moment, then there's room to have our influence.
45:10
SPEAKER_02: And that's actually the other piece is we want to be the ones that influence them.
45:16
SPEAKER_02: That is like really important, but we cannot do that without connection first.
45:22
SPEAKER_01: You know what I watched with Bridger last night?
45:24
SPEAKER_01: Tell me.
45:24
SPEAKER_01: Inside Out 2.
45:25
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I saw it with my girls too.
45:27
SPEAKER_01: I mean, listeners, if you haven't watched Inside Out 2 yet, go watch Inside Out 2.
45:32
SPEAKER_01: It is so brilliant.
45:35
SPEAKER_01: And of course, it's all about this transition.
45:37
SPEAKER_01: She just turned 13, she's going into high school.
45:39
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's all the stuff that I think, you know, our listeners who have those pre-adolescent and adolescent kids can relate to.
45:46
SPEAKER_01: So that's a good, that's a good take some homework for so good.
45:51
SPEAKER_01: And watch it with your kids.
45:52
SPEAKER_01: I watched with Bridger and I thought it was just a great movie for us to watch together.
45:56
SPEAKER_02: I actually took my kids to the movie to what to the theater to watch it at the beginning of the summer.
46:02
SPEAKER_02: And and I thought we'd have this like amazing conversation afterwards, and we went out to dinner and they were like, that was fun.
46:09
SPEAKER_01: Well, that's sort of what Bridget was like too, but also no conversation needed after that movie.
46:13
SPEAKER_01: Like a reminder to me.
46:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
46:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
46:16
SPEAKER_01: It was a good, like, yep, that was that was enough.
46:19
SPEAKER_01: That was enough.
46:20
SPEAKER_01: Um, I was about to call you Darwin, which is not your name.
46:24
SPEAKER_01: That would be my dog's name.
46:27
SPEAKER_01: Um I love to I love that thank you.
46:33
SPEAKER_01: We miss the banter.
46:34
SPEAKER_01: I I get tired of hearing myself talk sometimes.
46:37
SPEAKER_01: So well, I love the banter, so I will come back.
46:41
SPEAKER_02: Tell our people where they can find you.
46:43
SPEAKER_02: What are you doing right now?
46:43
SPEAKER_02: Well, I get some cool things to say.
46:46
SPEAKER_02: So um, I'm taking new clients for parent support, which I'm I'm really trying to like work out, workshop the name.
46:53
SPEAKER_02: So if anyone wants to chime in, I love it.
46:56
SPEAKER_00: That's crowd crowdsource.
46:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, let's let's I'd love to hear your wisdom.
47:00
SPEAKER_02: It's like it's about it's about exactly what you're just saying, how to increase parent-child connection.
47:06
SPEAKER_01: Great.
47:07
SPEAKER_01: So if anyone has any language that you think would be catchy, good language to describe that, one, two words, something like that, pop it into the comments over it on our Instagram feed.
47:18
SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
47:19
SPEAKER_01: Motherhood, I would really appreciate that.
47:21
SPEAKER_02: Um so I'm taking new clients for that, individual work.
47:24
SPEAKER_02: And then I have four workshops that are happening, two of which only have one spot left.
47:30
SPEAKER_02: So one is um a one-day workshop for mothers and daughters together of fifth and sixth graders that has one spot left.
47:38
SPEAKER_02: Um, and I um it's September 29th, it's a Sunday, and I'm very excited to share that my older daughter is gonna be my assistant.
47:48
SPEAKER_02: I didn't know that.
47:50
SPEAKER_02: Yes, and I'm like training her right now around that's freaking safe.
47:55
SPEAKER_02: It is awesome.
47:56
SPEAKER_02: Are you paying her?
47:57
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I'm totally gonna pay her.
47:58
SPEAKER_02: And she wanted to do it.
47:59
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna go, you're gonna go on tour.
48:02
SPEAKER_02: That's what I said.
48:02
SPEAKER_02: I was like, let's go on tour together.
48:04
SPEAKER_02: Oh my god.
48:05
SPEAKER_01: That is amazing.
48:07
SPEAKER_01: You and Sage would come back to the podcast to talk about that afterwards.
48:12
SPEAKER_01: That sounds great if she wants to.
48:13
SPEAKER_02: I'm sure she will.
48:14
SPEAKER_02: She's really it's a it's a short, it's a half-day workshop.
48:17
SPEAKER_02: She's flipping awesome.
48:18
SPEAKER_02: Thanks.
48:18
SPEAKER_01: I'm learning this for the first time.
48:20
SPEAKER_02: I'm so excited.
48:21
SPEAKER_02: So that's happening.
48:23
SPEAKER_02: Where my I have a mother-daughter workshop together in October that is for moms of seventh and eighth graders, and I need people to sign up for that.
48:31
SPEAKER_02: There's a lot of room, and I'm I haven't marketed it very well.
48:34
SPEAKER_02: So that's an all-day workshop.
48:35
SPEAKER_02: That's October.
48:36
SPEAKER_02: October.
48:37
SPEAKER_02: I can't remember the exact date, but it's all on my website.
48:40
SPEAKER_02: And that is it's longer, it's a little more intense, but it's really about building connection, learning about learning new ways to update your relationship, understanding your strengths and your challenges.
48:50
SPEAKER_02: There's no public sharing.
48:52
SPEAKER_02: You learn a technique, then you go in the corner and you work it out with your mic.
48:55
SPEAKER_02: This is live.
48:56
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's in person, in person, yeah.
48:58
SPEAKER_02: It's in a beautiful space, and it's just a really sweet way to connect.
49:03
SPEAKER_01: Folks in and around Boulder for that one.
49:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it's a Sunday, so you could fly in and have a weekend in Boulder.
49:09
SPEAKER_01: Boulder and the fall is gorgeous.
49:11
SPEAKER_02: Totally.
49:11
SPEAKER_02: Then I have a mom magic that's for moms of nine to eleven year olds, and that's a four-week course that is.
49:19
SPEAKER_02: I have one spot left for that too.
49:20
SPEAKER_02: That meets once a week in person.
49:22
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
49:23
SPEAKER_02: And then my last one is a virtual class for moms of middle schoolers, just the moms.
49:28
SPEAKER_02: And that is a five-week course, and that there's plenty of room for sign-up for that too.
49:35
SPEAKER_02: So that's where that there's lots of wiggle room there.
49:38
SPEAKER_02: And I'd love to have you and you just learn all the ins and outs of mothering adolescence and learning about your internal systemic sexism and the things that get in the way of mother-daughter connection and how we can do it differently.
49:53
SPEAKER_02: Oh, I love it.
49:54
SPEAKER_02: Thanks so much.
49:56
SPEAKER_02: I'm really excited for this fall.
50:00
SPEAKER_01: It's not funny.
50:01
SPEAKER_01: I feel like our are we still recording?
50:04
SPEAKER_01: Well, we are.
50:05
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
50:06
SPEAKER_01: Um, that was weird.
50:09
SPEAKER_02: We just had a weird thing happen on the computer.
50:11
SPEAKER_01: So you listeners know.
50:13
SPEAKER_01: All right, Dev.
50:14
SPEAKER_01: I love you so much.
50:14
SPEAKER_02: Thank you for being here.
50:16
SPEAKER_02: Thank you for having me.
50:17
SPEAKER_02: I love you so much.
50:19
SPEAKER_01: Love you so much.
50:19
SPEAKER_01: Come back soon.
50:21
SPEAKER_01: I will.
50:21
SPEAKER_01: Bye, listeners.
50:23
SPEAKER_01: Bye.
50:25
SPEAKER_01: Hey listeners, if you enjoyed this episode, I would love to request that you share it with one mom out there who you know might benefit.
50:35
SPEAKER_01: You know, there are a lot of women who feel like they're mothering alone, and it takes all of our help to make sure that everyone feels like they have what they need to both feel successful and also feel supported.
50:47
SPEAKER_01: So please take a moment and just share it with one person.
50:51
SPEAKER_01: And if you feel inclined, go ahead and rate and review this podcast.
50:56
SPEAKER_01: Because the reality is that the more reviews we have and the higher ratings we have, the more this podcast is shared with other moms out there, which makes it more easy for them to find us.
51:07
SPEAKER_01: So thanks again for your help with this.
51:09
SPEAKER_01: And I'm assuming you do find this podcast helpful because you're still here at the end listening to this memo.
51:18
SPEAKER_01: So thanks for being here and share away.
51:20
SPEAKER_01: Sending love.