Latest / Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50 / ENCORE EPISODE : AGING AND INTIMACY WITH MARY WHITMAN ORTIZ

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ENCORE EPISODE : AGING AND INTIMACY WITH MARY WHITMAN ORTIZ · Uncluttered and Unfiltered: The Podcast For Women Over 50

0:04
Welcome to Uncluttered and Unfiltered, the podcast urging
0:08
you to let it go and don't look back, with nationally acclaimed
0:12
professional organizer Christine Stone and self-proclaimed Hot
0:17
Damn Mess radio and TV personality Eden Kendall.
0:21
Welcome everybody to Uncluttered and Unfiltered.
0:24
We have a really fun show today. Or it it's meant to be fun.
0:28
I mean, I'm seriously hopeful it will be.
0:30
We're going to talk about sex again.
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Our highest rated episode is about sex with Doctor Rebecca
0:36
Richmond. And we're going to go a little
0:37
bit of a different angle this time.
0:38
Talk about intimacy when you are 50 or over.
0:41
But before we get into all of that and introduce our special
0:44
guests, I have a couple of things I wanted to share with
0:45
you, Christine. Christine, and you heard this
0:48
from our introduction, is a professional organizer.
0:50
I am a professional mastress, mistress of chaos, and so I
0:56
thought maybe I could tell you the three things in my life this
0:59
week that have gone missing. I can't wait to hear this.
1:01
And the reason I'm doing this is that's one of my goals to stop
1:05
losing things. I can't have nice things.
1:08
So the first thing that's missing has been missing for
1:10
months. And it's my prescription
1:12
sunglasses. But I'm starting to really miss
1:13
them right now because summer time it's after Memorial Day, so
1:18
that's thing #1. That's a big thing, though.
1:21
It's a very expensive. I was gonna say they're very
1:23
expensive and also it makes a difference on what you can see
1:27
and what you can't see, so that's a big one.
1:29
Precisely #2 one Airpod, so I can tell you exactly where they
1:36
went missing. I had them on at the dog park
1:38
and then instead of putting them in the case, I threw them into
1:42
my Fanny packs. I already know your answer.
1:44
There is going to be. Why would you not put them in
1:46
the case? It would have been one more
1:48
step. So I know that.
1:50
And then the third thing, I think I may have thrown away my
1:53
Mother's Day gift, I think because it was a wine stopper.
1:58
Yeah. I think maybe the bottle was
2:00
empty but I re stopped it back up and it might have been thrown
2:03
away. Like I think my husband might
2:04
have even picked it up, shook the bottle and said empty and
2:07
it's gone to this. Well, that's a different
2:09
situation though. That's like almost an accident.
2:13
And yeah, we'll blame that one on him.
2:14
We're gonna blame it on him, even though he says I never
2:16
throw away your wine bottles. I never know what you're up.
2:18
To before or my husband always say I I don't know what you're
2:20
talking about. I never saw that.
2:22
Exactly. So I actually replaced that.
2:25
OK, I went out, I told her I confessed to my daughter and
2:28
replaced. It was really nice.
2:30
OK, the glasses I when you're switching back and forth glasses
2:35
from regular to prescription to I mean reading to non reading to
2:41
I can't keep track. Of them I know well and being a
2:44
contact where a glasses where that is one thing.
2:48
I have this paranoia that I am going to lose my prescription
2:52
glasses because I only wear contacts during the day and then
2:56
I take them out and put my glasses on.
2:58
So I have to tell you I have a certain spot in my night stand
3:03
with all my glasses. They're in cases because if you
3:07
travel, you just want to be able to grab them and I have a tray
3:12
in my bathroom so that when I take my glasses off to put my
3:16
contacts and they're sitting right there.
3:19
I think these are the type of things not only are they
3:22
expensive, but they affect how you live your everyday if you
3:26
lose them. So you it's everyone thinks,
3:30
well, I'll just go buy more and more and more and you see people
3:32
go to Costco and get 12 sets of reading glasses and that's fine
3:36
if you're going to have them all over and they're just cheaters.
3:38
But when it comes to prescription, that's a different
3:42
story. So you have to have a system
3:44
either, you know, taking off your glasses and leaving them in
3:48
the same exact spot in your bathroom, which I think is the
3:53
ideal place. Do you work?
3:54
You work context. I don't.
3:56
Oh, you don't. I can't.
3:58
OK, I've tried. OK.
3:59
So that's even more important because then you are going to
4:02
take them from place to place to place.
4:04
So if you only have one pair of prescription glasses, I would
4:10
suggest you do the buy one get one free type because you got to
4:14
have more than one pair, especially you because you lose
4:18
everything. I do but.
4:20
You know. So that that that is the
4:23
problem. I don't make sure to put them in
4:26
the same place every time. Especially at our age, you have
4:29
to put things back in the same spot so you remember where you
4:32
put them. You're not wrong, you are not
4:34
wrong. And then everything is always
4:35
fuzzy for me anyway, half of my life.
4:37
So the air pod, I think we know what I did wrong there.
4:40
And I'm not the only one who's losing hair pods because I went
4:42
on eBay and you can buy single Airpods from everyone else who's
4:45
lost their Airpods. Well, what I have learned about
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airpods #1 I had to get a case that was kind of not attractive
4:54
looking in any way because all everybody in my family kept
4:58
thinking my Airpods were their Airpods and it drove me crazy.
5:02
So I got a case that look that is totally different and it has
5:06
a little clip on it. And so instead of just shoving
5:10
it in a purse or whatever, I have a little place to clip it
5:13
in my purse, purse. And I think clipping it and
5:17
justice, taking the air pods out, putting them in, and then
5:19
when you're done, they're in, they're clipped into your
5:23
backpack, into your purse. Because that's the thing about
5:26
Airpods is losing the cases. And if you don't keep them in
5:31
the case, you're going to lose them for sure.
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I mean, no doubt about it. OK, and the and the thing #3
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we've determined is my husband's fault.
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Yes. OK, so good we can talk about
5:40
sex now. Yeah, now I'm ready for that.
5:42
Thank you so much. So I want to tell you before we
5:44
bring on our guest that in Sweden, well, actually let me
5:48
save this for a icebreaker with her because we are joined now by
5:52
relationship coach and sex educator Mary Whitman Ortiz.
5:58
She's an author and she helps couples who deal with the kinds
6:01
of things that we hear from you guys come up all the time.
6:06
And that is in a in a relationship, things can get.
6:11
I'm trying to do that like womp, womp in the bedroom and, and,
6:14
and that can cause issues outside of bedroom, right?
6:17
There's. Such a ripple effect it it just
6:19
impacts everything and it's hard to even know where it started.
6:24
Well, I did say that I had a little icebreaker story.
6:26
So this was in the news today at the as on the day that we are
6:29
actually recording this. Sweden has now determined that
6:33
they are going to have the first ever sex championships.
6:39
There will be 16 categories in these championships including
6:43
seduction, massage and full on intercourse.
6:46
Positions will be judged imagination, physical fitness,
6:52
endurance and workability. Like out in the park somewhere.
6:55
I don't know where they're holding.
6:56
It I mean like in public. I'm that's literally every.
7:00
Fact from what I. Read but yeah, I'm not I'm not
7:03
100% sure, but that's for professionals.
7:06
We're all amateurs here. So Mary, why do you think that
7:10
this at our age and I know you deal with couples of at all
7:13
ages, but why do you think this 50 and over age really feels the
7:18
effects of this? The differences happening in
7:22
your body. Thank you.
7:23
It changes everything. And we don't have the one
7:27
pinpoint age where it begins. If you know, sometimes, like if
7:31
a woman's pregnant, OK, she has a due date, she can countdown.
7:34
But menopause, aging, it is so varied.
7:37
It is so unique to each individual and you don't know
7:40
when it's going to happen. You don't know how it's going to
7:42
happen to you and you don't know how you are going to talk about
7:46
that with your. You provided us with a list of
7:49
some of the questions slash complaints that are common among
7:54
women our age, and then Christine followed that up with
7:57
some conversation with some friends who added in their
8:01
statements. So why don't we just go down
8:03
like a list and chat? Well, the first thing I wanted
8:07
to ask is what is the difference between like a marital therapist
8:11
and a sex therapist? Well, technically state by state
8:16
there is licensing, there are specific requirements and
8:21
Florida is one of that states where you have to have a sex
8:25
therapy degree to be a sex therapist, OK.
8:29
And that is not my realm. So I just make that upfront.
8:33
And I have found in so many cases that what goes on in the
8:37
bedroom started outside of the bedroom.
8:40
So the fact that I can cover every area, yeah, I feel very
8:44
confident with. OK, so really there, I mean,
8:48
there isn't much of a difference.
8:50
Like you're not just talking about sex the whole entire time
8:53
when you're in a sex therapy session versus like marital
8:58
therapy because it does start outside of the bedroom and just
9:03
leaks into the bedroom. So true, so true.
9:05
And people were surprised. They're like, wait, I thought
9:08
this was a sex problem and I'm thinking we have to find out
9:11
what started it. What we're not talking about
9:14
that also led to this. It's just that when it happens
9:18
in the bedroom, it gets your attention, but when it's
9:21
happening outside then you can be distracted, you can get busy,
9:25
but at that moment of intimacy then you can't hide from it.
9:30
OK, so this is from someone that gave me a question to ask.
9:34
How do you instruct a, a guy because there are a lot of women
9:38
over 50 out there who are also divorced on what you do and
9:42
don't want him to do without bruising his ego.
9:47
And when would you have that conversation?
9:49
Like not in the heat of the moment or in the heat of the
9:52
moment or outside of the bedroom.
9:54
And so I I liked this. Question not not to minimize the
9:57
fact that even if you've been together for a really long time,
9:59
these things can change for sure.
10:01
So when that's a great question, when is it?
10:04
Is it like, hey, stop what you're doing and do this
10:06
differently? Or is it over the candlelight
10:07
dinner? I think it's a combination and
10:09
probably multiple times that you would have this conversation.
10:13
So outside the bedroom you want the the maximum setting, whether
10:18
it is candlelight, whether you're just relaxed, having fun,
10:21
you're on a bike ride together. Anytime that there's a genuine
10:25
flow of conversation and you want to be prepared.
10:28
Also, humor helps so that there's no bruising and you can
10:32
be playful and you can be teasing and you can have
10:35
innuendo. I always encourage couples to
10:37
have like their code words for intimacy so that even when
10:41
they're in public, they can start this banter and it just
10:45
opens up dialogue sooner than later.
10:48
But certainly when you're in the bedroom, there would be, even if
10:52
you're not comfortable with being specific with your
10:55
language, you can certainly guide their hands and their
10:58
body. I like that.
11:01
OK. And how do you create a more
11:05
meaningful connection if you've lost that connection?
11:09
That's I'm. Sure, that's where to.
11:10
Start, I know. Well, let me just go back.
11:13
I told the story when I first walked in.
11:16
My husband and I went jet skiing on Saturday all day long and I
11:20
actually introduced him to it. So I guess I'm the guilty
11:23
person, but he loves it. And we, my point is we find
11:27
things that we enjoy doing together.
11:30
We have created a hobby and we've made that a priority.
11:33
So fun is not frivolous. I mean, fun is what helps you to
11:38
bond together. Then the more times that you can
11:41
do that, then you can face some of those places of conflict and
11:46
confrontation. So that meaning, that
11:49
connection, there's just subtle ways to make it be a part of
11:52
your everyday life. So in other words, maybe find
11:55
something that you both enjoy and then invest in it, whether
11:59
that is financial investment, like Jet skis is clearly a
12:02
financial investment for my husband and I, we decided to get
12:05
stand up paddle boards. And then you have to make
12:07
yourself actually go and do it because then what happens is I'm
12:10
going to run this morning while you go golfing.
12:12
And then you have to say, well, now we did.
12:14
And I, and I, I saying that from a point of view of somebody who
12:17
needs to remind myself that we did get those boards for a
12:21
reason, to have something we both want to do.
12:24
But doesn't that bring it back to lack of communication?
12:28
And, and I hear that a lot, especially in women over 50 or
12:32
women that have been married a really long time, they kind of
12:36
grow apart and grow in different ways and you get into your
12:41
routines. So it would be a matter of how
12:45
do you get back to wreak reconnecting, recommunicating,
12:49
and really finding that common ground again when you've lost
12:53
it. Yeah, yeah, well, in addition to
12:56
fun things, you might do challenging things.
12:58
You might go do volunteer, do a river cleanup, go and and
13:02
support some kind of cause and talk about it.
13:05
Oh, I was really uncomfortable when that person came up to me
13:08
and and said that or wow, this felt challenging, but I'm glad
13:12
we're doing it just anyway. New situations that you choose
13:18
to talk about. OK, bring it out like open.
13:21
So maybe not something that one or the other of you is the
13:23
expert. Yeah, something new for both of
13:27
you. Interesting.
13:30
Well, the first one you said, I, I mean, there were so many here,
13:34
but the very first one, my body doesn't respond like it used to
13:39
with interest or arousal and there's stiff discomfort during
13:43
intercourse. And any woman over 5055, even 45
13:48
for that matter. This is so common.
13:52
And we did talk with Doctor Richmond when she was on our
13:55
show on our Valentine's Day episode about some physical
13:59
weight. So you can deal with issues like
14:01
dryness and things like that. But let's talk about a deeper
14:04
way to confront those feelings. And talk to your significant
14:08
other about what's going on. Yes, so these conversations
14:13
start in your head first, that place of awareness, that place
14:18
of reality and and maybe there's a girlfriend.
14:20
I mean, hey, what we're doing right now, bringing these topics
14:23
out in the open, that is going to help so much to be, it's not
14:28
just me, other women are going through this so that we begin to
14:33
reduce anxiety by bringing things to the forefront.
14:36
So that's step one. Step 2, creating those places to
14:40
have those conversations and then knowing that you're not
14:43
going to tell your partner everything at that very first
14:47
time that you talk so prioritized within yourself.
14:51
What do you want them to know? A I'm feeling discomfort.
14:56
BI don't feel like we have any romance.
14:59
CI want to try something new. Whatever it is where you want to
15:03
start, that's what you need to kind of coach yourself, get some
15:08
talking points. And I know that doesn't feel
15:10
like it's spontaneous, but this is being proactive and and
15:15
creating a plan. And so when you've been married
15:19
a long time versus, you know, everything's new and exciting,
15:23
You know, even if you're divorced and just now back to
15:26
dating, that can be exciting, which I feel could bring in like
15:31
where you don't have all the arousal issues or all.
15:34
But when most women over 50, they're empty nesters, their
15:38
kids are up and grown or in college and you're trying to
15:44
find your way back to each other.
15:47
And, and so that's why I think it's even harder because you get
15:53
in a, you get in a rut and you get used to just what you're
15:57
used to. Well, I think about that,
16:00
especially with Netflix and 10:30 at night, you know, these
16:04
patterns that we have in our life.
16:06
And are you planning to, you know, stop what you're doing at
16:11
a certain time just to say we got to Createspace for us.
16:15
And if you get up early in the morning and go run or do
16:19
anything that you have created structure for, then this gets
16:22
added to the list. I mean, I often encourage
16:25
couples to put intimacy on their calendar, plan for it, and
16:29
there's a lot of variety of ways that you can make that plan, but
16:33
certainly just being intentional is going to help.
16:36
I told you guys both before we started recording that I had
16:39
this cartoon in my mind when the kids were little.
16:43
And this was it was my version of sex.
16:46
OK, so I want you to picture one of these like comic strips from
16:49
the newspaper back in the day. And you've got one of those help
16:53
desks, like they have a department stores or Kohl's or
16:55
wherever you can walk up and return an item or whatever.
16:57
And you have a long, long line of people waiting and there are
17:01
kids in the line and they keep getting out of line and getting
17:03
back in the line. And you've got their teachers
17:05
standing in the line holding workbooks and, and projects.
17:09
And you've got the PTA leader with a project for you to sign
17:12
up for. And then you've got a couple
17:14
people random there with dirty loads of laundry.
17:16
And then you finally get through the end of this long, long line
17:18
and there's your husband with his pants down.
17:21
And, and in my mind, that's kind of how it was back in the day.
17:24
Now, I'm not claiming that now that the nest is empty, but
17:28
there was that period in my life where I was just like, Oh my
17:31
God, not you 2 needing something from me.
17:34
And so I feel like now is the time in our life we do finally.
17:39
I mean, there are definite conversations that people in
17:41
that stage of their life should be happy, and I'm sure you deal
17:44
with that. But for those of us who now
17:46
those kids are out the door, we have to make the time, is what
17:51
I'm hearing you say. Yes, yes, and hey, you can talk
17:54
about sex over breakfast because your kids aren't at the table.
17:58
Oh, that's. True, I never thought of that.
18:01
That's true. We used to always talk about
18:03
hotel sex because anytime we could go anywhere at a hotel and
18:07
get a hotel room, my husband was like, yes, because we have
18:10
little lock pickers, man, you could.
18:12
Oh yeah. Or the minute you'd get
18:14
intimate, it'd be like, Mom, I need water, mom.
18:18
I need some water I'm. Like, Oh my God, yeah.
18:23
See, these are the things we should be celebrating right now.
18:25
Right, yes, yes. And here's a a flip side.
18:28
Because when you're younger and you are dodging your parents,
18:32
you know, fooling around with your, your dating person and
18:36
then now that you're older and you potentially have older
18:39
parents, maybe they're visiting and now you're, you're dodging
18:42
the parents again. Because you know, you don't want
18:46
to have a situation that's uncomfortable for everyone.
18:50
So you have to find the humor in whatever stage of life that
18:54
you're in, whether you're creating that guilty pleasure as
19:00
you're young or as you're aging. Interesting.
19:03
Well, this one, I really had a big reaction from women.
19:08
I don't like it that we have physical changes to overcome.
19:12
It's depressing and we can't seem to talk about it.
19:14
I know we're talking a lot about women, but I think men feel the
19:19
same way. You know, they're not.
19:21
Their bodies have also changed. Their testosterone is lower.
19:25
And so I think women can sometimes get in their own head
19:29
that it's all about them and it's all about me.
19:31
And I think men also so are embarrassed and feel weird that,
19:36
you know, they have a little belly going on there or they're
19:40
tired or, you know, they don't have the stamina or it takes
19:44
longer or whatever the situation is.
19:48
And so I'm, I'm saying equal, equal things.
19:51
But women, we tend to only think, you know, Oh my God, does
19:55
he look at my Cellulite, you know?
19:57
And he doesn't. But why can't we get past that?
19:59
Why can't we? I think you're right, the men do
20:02
not want to either admit that they might need some assistance
20:06
for sure, or they just don't. Ever want or they avoid it?
20:09
Yes, you know which causes problems.
20:12
Yeah, there's a lot of fear there in taking ownership.
20:15
And if women are struggling usually to talk about it, then
20:18
usually men are struggling even more.
20:21
But I have to tell you, I literally have a client who
20:24
said, you know, I looked down there and I didn't even know if
20:26
it was still there anymore. Because of the belly.
20:29
Because of the belly, yes, but they were laughing about it as a
20:32
couple. Which is good.
20:34
That's my goodness, for sure. For sure, yeah.
20:36
I have found that laughing with my husband is the best.
20:41
You know, when we get to that point where we're just in this
20:43
goofy, punchy mood and we're just laughing, whether it's
20:46
we're out in somewhere just doing shopping or whatever, or
20:50
we're home in an intimate situation, there's just nothing
20:53
that I Laughter and tears are the two things that really bring
20:57
you together. If you can do laughter through
20:58
tears, boy, you must be really, really committed.
21:01
Well, the other one that I hear from a lot of people as well as
21:06
myself, I'm just too tired and people are like, well, you know,
21:11
your kids are gone. You shouldn't.
21:13
But I feel like after 50 or 55, I mean to do all the things I
21:19
was doing in a day, which is also working.
21:22
And then he's working full time. I think we're both just tired.
21:26
I don't think it's one or the other.
21:29
I think when you are just exhausted, it's.
21:33
But you're saying then schedule some time in there because
21:37
that's an easy way to say I'm just too tired.
21:40
Yes, yes. And even for couples to decide
21:43
ahead of time who's going to initiate, Are we going to pick
21:46
odd even days, Mondays and Wednesday and then or Tuesday,
21:49
Thursday and then the weekends open and anybody can initiate.
21:52
There's just a lot of creative ways to take charge and then you
21:57
have something to look forward to and realizing that sure, you
22:01
might plan something that's romantic and takes a little bit
22:04
of time, maybe some some money. But knowing that anytime that
22:09
you can be spontaneous, go for it, because you don't know when
22:14
that's going to present itself physically as well as just
22:17
within the space of your day. Mary, is there an answer that
23:02
you could give to somebody who said, all right, how often I've
23:07
been married X amount of years I'm this old.
23:09
How often? How much is is normal?
23:12
Well, there are statistics, but my encouragement is always what
23:16
is mutually satisfying and respectful.
23:19
So you do you 2 talk about it and find out, hey, maybe we used
23:23
to be at this pace of frequency and now we are at that tired
23:27
place, but we still want to prioritize us because I
23:30
absolutely believe that intimacy bonds you, makes you stronger,
23:34
and then can get you through some of those tough times in
23:38
life. And I also had someone asked
23:42
this question, is it OK if you're not having intercourse,
23:48
but you're constantly hugging and kissing and cuddling and you
23:53
know, for some reason or other they, I don't know, they might
23:57
have something going on health wise or your husband has
24:01
something going on health wise. It doesn't have to be the actual
24:05
act, does it? No, no, I'm so glad that you
24:08
said that because does any type of closeness that you're both
24:12
enjoying, I mean, it's, it's achieving a lot of the same
24:15
things. OK, that's and then one other
24:19
thing here. Sex isn't important to me
24:22
anymore. I could easily live without it.
24:24
What do you think that means when a woman or a man feels that
24:29
way in their life? Well, I always ask, have you
24:33
gone to your doctor? Have you checked out your
24:35
hormone situation? There's so many medications that
24:39
can affect your arousal. Certainly just levels of stress
24:44
can impact it. Sometimes it could be as easy as
24:48
taking a pill. Really.
24:50
I know it's wow. Not as often.
24:53
And I do have women that come into my office and they're like,
24:55
Mary, where's the switch? Can we just flip it on?
24:57
I want to turn it on. I know it's there some place and
25:01
and the pill situation it it still has to be wow checked out
25:08
according to your body and what you need hormone replacement
25:11
therapy. There are just so many options
25:13
for you or for your your partner.
25:16
But the the fatigue thing, the I could just do without it finding
25:23
out why. Also, some deeper questions of
25:27
why am I not willing to, you know, put some more effort into
25:31
this? My my issue is turning my brain
25:34
off. Yeah.
25:36
Turning my brain off, trying not to the minute it's, you know,
25:40
we're done saying, OK, so anyway, like I was saying before
25:43
we started, what do you think about our next vacation being
25:46
blah, blah, blah. And he's like you in that brain.
25:49
This is what my this is, you know, at the start of our show,
25:51
we're talking about how I lose things.
25:53
And this is the way my brain is. It's just Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah,
25:55
Nah. I'm going all the time.
25:56
And everybody, everybody is different.
25:58
But it's very hard to get in the moment, to be present in the
26:02
moment, and I'm sure that that is something you have
26:05
experienced too with some of your clients.
26:07
Absolutely. The mental, yes, before anything
26:12
else happens is what a woman needs to take place.
26:16
It's a battle. It's work.
26:18
It is totally effort to go, okay, I can designate this time
26:24
for intimacy. And truly, if there's nothing,
26:27
if, if something you can't suspend for 30 minutes, 5
26:31
minutes, whatever it takes, then if you can't suspend that, go do
26:35
it. You know, if there's this need
26:37
that is so pressing that you can't leave it in your thoughts,
26:40
then just go do it. But usually these are things
26:44
that can wait. So just tell yourself it's OK.
26:47
House isn't on fire. You know, whatever you need to
26:50
run through laundry doesn't matter.
26:52
Sit in the washer 30 more minutes until I switch it over
26:56
to the dryer. Then you can give yourself to
26:59
it. So it is a mental yes before it
27:02
is a physical yes. I've had conversations which on
27:04
the surface might even sound like I'm bargaining, like trying
27:07
to, you know, offer sex to get chores done.
27:10
But in reality, the way I see it is more like, listen, this is
27:14
heavy on my mind. If you could take a few things
27:16
off my plate, I feel like I can really get present and in the
27:20
moment. So if you can leading up to or
27:23
afterwards, help me with some things.
27:25
Maybe it's even just around the house.
27:26
Now, on the surface of that, what it sounds like is listen,
27:29
if you can promise me you're going to get 4 loads of laundry
27:31
done and get my car to the car wash today.
27:33
We're going to go crazy this morning.
27:35
It's not that. It's just more that, listen, I
27:37
wake up feeling a little stressed, a little rushed.
27:39
If I know that my day is a little bit more relaxed I then
27:44
I'm a little bit more relaxed. Well, and it's wonderful to be
27:47
that specific because if one partner tells the other, just
27:51
relax well. Don't ever say.
27:55
Calm ever say just relax to a woman?
27:58
Everybody agree Out there for sure.
28:00
Yeah. Or, or what I also hear from
28:04
women who have been married a long time is I just want him to
28:09
tell me I look pretty again. I just want him to give me some
28:14
affirmation, even if it's a lie, you know, like that dress looks
28:18
beautiful even if they hate it. Just I think women in general
28:24
have different needs to get in the mood and feel sexy and feel
28:29
good about themselves than men do.
28:31
And women want to be told, you know, you're fabulous, I love
28:36
you so much, what would I do without you?
28:39
You know, all those things a woman wants to hear in order to
28:43
kind of get in the mood. And it doesn't have to be all
28:45
those things. I'm just saying it, which I
28:48
believe goes back to our very original thing, which is
28:50
communication. And hey, you can coach your
28:55
partner about what you want. So if you want to hear some of
28:59
those specific phrases, write them down, text them, you know,
29:03
make it be a a note on your phone and then you can elbow
29:07
nudge. Hey, give me one of those
29:08
phrases. Tell me something nice.
29:10
Give me some sweet. I mean, women are like butter.
29:13
They'll melt. I mean, they're like.
29:15
And usually to the same comment. Yes.
29:17
And they it's not overused. Yes, I agree.
29:21
With that, yeah, I think, I think if you're with somebody
29:23
long enough too, they know which things that you really.
29:28
Will respond. To thank you that you maybe I
29:32
don't need to hear about my clothes or my body because maybe
29:36
I don't feel today like my body looks the way I like it to look.
29:40
So go for something I can really buy into.
29:42
Tell me about my smile. Or, you know, just.
29:45
Did anyone or when you walk in a room, you know, you light up my
29:49
day. I mean, I know these are corny
29:51
and cheesy, but women cannot because in their minds life is
29:56
like, you know, a non novel, a loves love novel.
30:00
And I mean it the smallest little thing just turns them on
30:06
if it's, if it's some sort of gratitude or kindness or
30:10
feelings. And I, I think when they did
30:13
that, men are from Mars, women are from Venus, I think they
30:17
really had it pretty much dead on there because women respond
30:20
so differently to things than men do.
30:24
Yes. So I actually have an app I
30:27
created and I have 3 categories of conversation for couples to
30:31
engage with one another and the 1st and they have to identify
30:35
their status level so to speak. So the first one is affection.
30:39
Do we need more affection? And so there are conversation
30:42
prompts there. The second one is flirtation
30:45
because is the teasing at a low place and we need to kind of
30:48
jump start. And then the third level is
30:50
passion. And that would be hot, heated,
30:54
you know, remarks to really get your, your motor running and it
30:58
can change, it will change, but it's like a starting place and
31:03
just to recognize what do we need?
31:06
What does our relationship need? When you can identify today, you
31:11
know, it's going to be different tomorrow, but today, what do I
31:14
need to get to a green light for intimacy?
31:17
And then you can, you know, be more specific with it.
31:21
Do you use the red light green light yellow light philosophy?
31:25
Because you you said that as though that was something you
31:27
were referring to from your practice.
31:31
I in in some ways green light, I don't think sexual intercourse
31:36
is the ultimate goal every single time for green light.
31:39
I think connection is and like we talked about earlier that
31:42
that closeness, but it is a visual.
31:47
So where are we? Do we live at the yellow or is
31:50
this just a season of a red light because of ABC going on in
31:53
my life, You know, health issues, stress, what have you.
31:56
Or are we aiming for a few more greens than we usually have?
32:01
If you can identify it without any type of shaming or or
32:05
judgment, then you're more likely to to take those steps.
32:09
One last question from me anyway, and this is going off of
32:15
our conversation that we agreed upon before we actually went on
32:19
recording, but it's something I heard you say in another podcast
32:23
that you were on. It was something referring to
32:26
and and the reason I just thought of it was Chris
32:28
mentioned the men are from ours and women are from Venus thing.
32:31
So spaghetti versus waffle, can you talk about that?
32:36
Because I thought that was so interesting.
32:37
Yes, yes. So just picture a waffle and all
32:41
of the compartments and men are able to have these thoughts and
32:45
these thoughts and these thoughts all separated and they
32:48
can jump from one to the other and not bring it with them.
32:52
But women are like spaghetti that they connect everything.
32:55
And so they are thinking about what's going on with their kids,
32:57
what's going on in the neighborhood, what's going on
32:59
with work. And it all connects.
33:01
And it's very difficult for women just go, can I put a stop
33:06
to how all that's connecting? And it's a great thing to be in
33:10
either one of those realms. So I appreciate it.
33:13
You just have to be aware that's what's going on inside of you.
33:15
Well, Christine and I are a prime example of a couple that
33:19
has to recognize each other's differences to make a
33:23
relationship work. It's very true.
33:25
The way we communicate with each other, the way that we, we
33:27
recognize that, you know, she's very, very buttoned up, very
33:31
organized and very, and I'm the opposite.
33:33
So I can see why, even though it's a plus for a man to be able
33:36
to compartmentalize and let that syrup like rest in that one
33:40
little crevice and not move over, as long as I can recognize
33:44
that. And it doesn't mean he's
33:46
forgotten that I'm still upset about XYZ.
33:50
As long as I remember that, it's fine.
33:53
But it's when I forget and I don't understand or appreciate.
33:56
Why is his brain not working? How are you able to how are you
33:59
able to try to like, you know, push me down on that bed?
34:02
And not in a violent way. I just want to say, how are you
34:04
interested in that when you know this kid just got a note home
34:08
from his teacher? Why aren't you concerned about
34:11
that? Yeah.
34:12
How can you even be? Thinking about sex or.
34:14
Time like this. Or at our age, ageing parents.
34:16
I mean so many people our age are so stressed West out dealing
34:22
with aging parents and that's on both sides I think men as well
34:27
as women. So I think that adds a whole
34:31
nother layer into the over 55 / 50.
34:37
Think about sex at a time like this.
34:38
Yeah, like mentality. Yes, but and I'm living in that
34:41
situation with aging parents, so I can really speak to this.
34:45
What intimacy does for you is this paradise.
34:49
It's this getaway. It's this erotic, exotic
34:52
location you can go to so you can get away from some of the
34:58
heaviness. It's not like I'm not respecting
35:01
and being mindful of this really big thing going on in my life.
35:05
It's just I love those people. I love myself, I love my partner
35:10
enough to know that this getaway is really good for us and it's
35:15
going to make everything else better.
35:19
Good note to end. On yes, this is.
35:21
Great, but there are no doubt some people who would like to
35:24
reach out and learn more. So, Mary, please tell everybody
35:26
where they can find you. Absolutely.
35:29
So my website is Mary Whitman ortiz.com.
35:34
OK. And that's where they can find
35:36
things that you've written. They can find seminars and
35:39
coaching and all of the different things that we've
35:42
discussed. If they wanted to reach out with
35:44
a personal question, I'm sure that you've made that very easy
35:47
too. You're very accessible, so we
35:49
appreciate you being here. I'm sure it won't be the last
35:51
time. So thank you very much.
35:53
Now, as we close the show, we've we've, we've noticed that our
35:56
sex talks go longer than anything else we ever have.
36:00
Imagine that. So for that reason, we want to
36:03
invite you to our very exclusive elite and very difficult to get
36:07
into. Just kidding.
36:08
It's super easy. Facebook ladies only page,
36:11
uncluttered and unfiltered ladies only.
36:13
Also, those five stars that you are able to leave on any
36:16
platform, those reviews, those actually do help other women
36:20
find us. And that's the most important
36:22
thing to us, that we can reach people who are looking for their
36:25
people. And remember with all things,
36:27
whether it's you know you are are realizing that you're
36:30
hitting a new place in your relationship or you just can't
36:35
find your glasses, you can let it go.
36:38
And don't look back.