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[WW] Invest: When to Cut Your Losses (Relationships) · The Wesley Word

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Wesley World.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to stop and think for a minute.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to answer out loud.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: But how'd you get here today?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: How'd you get here today?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: You might be like, well, no, Steve, I walked across campus.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I drove, right?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: I I took the cat bus.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: I made made made it on time, right?
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: But if you think about it, you would not be here today had you not finished your high school career, right?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you got into university, right?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you would not be here today had you not yesterday it hadn't happened, or you got to get to today.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, again, now we're talking about tonight, and this I've only done this summer in uh summer like this once before, but I think it's it's important to talk about every now and then.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this idea that that that endings are necessarily part of life.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: Endings happen.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you've had life more than a few minutes, um you've you've experienced that, right?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: You win your crib and eventually move up to a to a big bed, and then you move off from kindergarten, and then you end up in middle school, and then the next thing you know, you're in high school, then you're dropped off this cool place called Clemson, and eventually you might have to leave here as well, unless you're like me and you stick around forever.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, endings happen.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: Endings happen, they are a natural part of life, they are necessary.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I would argue that they're necessary in order for us to fully live and to thrive and to be the people that God has called us to be, there are times when endings are necessary.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Ian read from Ecclesiastes 3, and we see in that the short passage idea there's a season and a time for everything.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: And in that, there are times when we have to give thanks and look to how it is that we might indeed move on.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: A couple of years ago, I did a preaching series on vineyards because there's all kinds of vineyard throughout scripture, right?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: And we spent some time looking at um how they make wine and how they do those sort of things.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Julie and I got to go to Italy and officiate a wedding this past summer.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: It was incredible.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: If anyone wants to get married abroad and wants me to officiate, call me up.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ready, I'm there in a cockpit, right?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was cool.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: But in the end of talking about that series and even this summer learning about wine, uh, I was reading a lot of stuff, doing a lot of research through that, and they were talking about the power of pruning.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: And they actually said uh these research, what separates the amateur um winemaking people and the true professionals is the ability to prune.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: The ability to prune.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: And they talk about, as one article, they talked about there's there's there's this actual like close to a perfect number of grapes, clusters of grapes that you want on the vine, right?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: If you don't prune, what ends up happening is you have all these little bitty grapes that take up all the space and no one gets the nutrients that they need.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually you have all these grapes that are there, but they're not super big, they end up being kind of sour, and they really don't make good wine.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so you've got to prune.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: Then they also say that if you prune too many off the vine, you end up with just a few grapes that are left.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: And what happens with them is they get all the nutrients, all the resources, and you end up with these huge, massive grapes that are so sweet that they don't make the best wine.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so they're trying to find always the perfect amount of grape clusters on the vine that would provide the best amount of not too sweet, not too sour, the just right the Goldilocks type of type of wine, right?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I think they said about 16 somewhere in there, 16 grapes per cluster.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: But that's what separates the true professionals from the amateurs, being able to prune.
• 3:32
  unknown: Dr.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: Henry Cloud, and a couple asking about always talk about these books, and I need to get the biography, right?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: He has two books that were drawn from a little bit tonight.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, one is Necessary Endings, which is a fantastic book, and the other one's boundaries.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're asked stuff about that, read either one of those.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: They're great.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: But in it, he talks about these three types of branches that perhaps we might need to prune from our life and what we're getting at a little bit tonight.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: He says, on the one hand, maybe there's some healthy branches that we need to prune from our life.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, Steve, healthy branches, why don't we let them grow?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: That would be great, right?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: What happens is sometimes our healthy branches or buds may not be the best ones.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes, even though it's a good thing in our life, sometimes there are things that we need to take out and prune that we allow, the things that are even better, the things that we really hope for, the things that we want, allow them to grow.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we prune sick branches, sick branches that we look at and say, you know, we've given this a lot of time, we've given it some extra nourishment and resources, but it's still just not producing and eventually it's gonna die.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: So let's go ahead and trim it off now.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go ahead and prune it now.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: So we prune off healthy buds that aren't quite the best ones.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: We prune off our sick buds that aren't our branches that aren't gonna get well.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes if you look at plants, you look at trees, we had a lot of windstorm came through, we came back to our backyard, we have a lot of trees, there are branches everywhere.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: All those dead branches eventually just came off.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we take a look at our lives and think about what are the dead branches that we need to prune off, cut off to give space for the healthy ones to thrive.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: So tonight we're gonna be talking about pruning, hard pooding, and pruning our lives.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, in particular, it's kind of crazy, but looking at our relationships.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And so this relationship series is not necessarily about romantic stuff, but we're looking at at family, we're looking at friendships, we're looking at at romantic as well.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: All these concepts sort of flow in there together.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: And we pre and we realize that relationships end because honestly, this sounds kind of crazy, but everyone that we have is eventually going to end in some kind of way.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes they're seasonal, right?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: People that you met freshman year, you're freshman, like, hey, my BFFs right now.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: You may not talk to them by the end of the semester, right?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Or by next year, you've grown over the summer.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: There's this huge change that happens the summer between freshman and sophomore year as you go out and do something over the summer and you just come back as a different person.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: I experienced a lot of us do that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not that the friends that you had are bad, you just don't quite click anymore because you've grown in different ways.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so we prune that off.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: We don't throw it in the fire and burn it and take joy and delight in that.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: But we say, that was incredible.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm so glad you're my friend for the first six weeks of school when I had nobody else.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: We've grown apart, but I'm thankful for that friendship.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And now here I am in this new way.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's different.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: But if you stay friends, your friendships will evolve, right?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: The friends that I was with in college, the few that I still talk to, our friendships look a lot different now than they did when we were at Waffle House till 3 a.m.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: in the morning doing silly stuff, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: They've changed and they evolve.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: As we think about pruning, a big question to ask ourselves is, I would ask, is how do we know when it's time to actually let go?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know when it's time to prune?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know when it's time to cut that friendship, to cut that dating relationship, to maybe distance ourselves from some family that aren't quite allowing us to be who we feel like we're called to be?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know when it's time to end?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think one of the easy one of a good way to start with this, and again, I'm drawing a lot from Dr.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Henry Henry Cloud here.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: Again, we're talking about the Holy Spirit next week, talk about Philippians, it's a little bit different sermon tonight.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: But he talks about this idea of hope, right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: In the biblical sense, when we talk about hope, we're talking about hope in Jesus.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: We're talking about this idea that we know the future will in some tangible way be better than we are now, right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And we hold on to that because we know of Jesus and his resurrection, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: That the worst thing will never be the last thing, right?
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: We we can cling to that hope.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: This talk of hope is a little bit different.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: There's this idea this hope as this desire or expectation, right?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Hope is this desire or expectation that the future will be better, right?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: That something's gonna occur in the future, right?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's one part.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like I really hope this relationship turns around, right?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: I really love this guy, but if he could just go from like being a three to a ten, that'd be incredible, right?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: I really want it to work, right?
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she's really awesome, but just want this, right?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Or I could be such good friends with Ben.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: But, right, but there's the second part to this definition.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is where we get to tonight.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: There's a desired expectation for things to get better.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: You want this relationship to be better, you want this investment to go up.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: But there also has to be grounds for believing that something in the future will occur.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's one thing to say, man, I really want this to work out.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: It's another to say, oh, there's actually some evidence that it will work out.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: For example, some of you might be drowning this semester.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_01: You're taking 18, 19, 20 hours.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh my goodness, this is crazy.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: And you're grinding.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, how are you doing?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm barely alive, right?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: And like, peace be with you, right?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: And it's crazy.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, next semester, you only have 13 hours, right?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you're like, I just got to get through this semester.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: I know that something will be different next semester, and I'm gonna make it, right?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's having grounds for believing that something's gonna change, right?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: You're in a tough season, you're in a tight season right now, but in the future, you know that something is gonna change that will make it a little bit better, right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: We get into problems in our relationships when we are missing one of those two.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because we realize that hope is not built in our wishes, right?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Our reality is not in our wishes.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: And desire cannot define our hope.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: There has to be something there.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hope is based not just on desire, but on real objective reasons to believe that more time will help.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: We got a quote on the screen.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: I only have like a few tonight.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Last week I had a bunch.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: This is from Dr.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Edward Cloud.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: He says, in the absence of real objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it's probably time for some type of necessary ending.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: And you went back, Steve, everything's all good.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: That's great.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Take this in for when things might not be as great, right?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: And what we're getting at here is sometimes, right, that the that there has to be a necessary hopelessness for change, a realization that things are gonna change.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so, in that, I might need to make a decision on a relationship that I'm in, right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: And when you get to that point, you realize that other than just pure desire, there's no reason to have real hope, right?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't want you to give up one relationship too early, or a friendship too early, or a dating relationship too early, or a family relationship too early.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: But the question we've got to ask ourselves, I think we've got one more here.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now, this could be about a dating relationship.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: This could be about a friendship, this could be about the way that you go about your studying and you keep doing the same work in the same class.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, oh my goodness, maybe I should study instead of going out the night before, and maybe something will change, right?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: But what reason do you have other fact I just want this to happen to think that something may change?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: And as you discern that, as you think through that, that may lead yourself to thinking about a necessary ending, which I'm gonna give you four clues in just a second about how maybe you should help that.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: But a big indicator, best indicator I can give you is you kind of discern this.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: And and a quick caveat, please don't go home and call all your family members and say, My pastor Steve said that I've got to break up with everybody.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Just don't call your other and say, Steve said that we're a little rocky, so I gotta go.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: Planet drop all of your friendships tonight, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's not what I'm getting at, but there might come a point where you feel like the life is being sucked out of you, right?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And you look out like something has to change.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Then that's when we pray about it, when we discern and we think about it.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: But a good indicator of whether or not things may change, right?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: You need that hope.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: You need the desire to change and the evidence that something might actually change.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Um, anybody doing any investing around here?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: Any any finance people around here?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Just do it one day.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be great, right?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: They talk about, right, that that past performance is not indicative of future returns, right?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone happening in the past doesn't guarantee what's gonna happen.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_01: However, when you're trying to pick good stocks, we're trying to pick good mutual funds, we're trying to pick good people to hang out with, the past will actually tell you a lot.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: And more often than not, people resemble a lot of what they were doing in PAPS, right?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: You're telling someone who cheated 15 times on 15 different people, there's a good chance that you might end up being cheated on, just saying it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe not, but it might happen, right?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: You see what's in the past.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if anybody here, I'm not calling anybody out, nothing happened like that here, right?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: But think about what happened in the past.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I was I was reading a blog the other day and it was, it was like it's like a dad blog, if that's a thing.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And they were talking about um uh one dude was talking to the other guy, another friend is like, hey, um, the boyfriend called me and said, I want to go out to dinner and talk about the future, right?
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: That means he wants to ask the dad if he can marry his daughter, right?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: Let's wait on that in my life, right?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: But it might happen one day.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_01: And he talks about, he said, Well, this is what you should do, right?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: This he said you should ask him for two things.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought this is this is wow, why would you ask these things?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: He said, You should ask him to bring his um his tax return and ask him to bring his his uh his credit statement, like his credit score, right?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And dude's like, what?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like that's not what it's about.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: It could be poor as long as he loves my daughter.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, it's not about the money.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's not about the money.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: But think about a credit score, someone's credit score, right?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: They take out, they make a promise that, hey, I'm balling this and I'm gonna pay it back.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: Do they live into their word?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do they fulfill their promises?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: If they've done that in the past, there's a good chance they'll do it in the future.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And he says tax return, it's like, I don't really want to bring his, you know, 1040 or you know, to me.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, no, no, no, no.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: What we're doing on the tax return is like, does he do them?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_01: Can he handle responsibility, right?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Does he do what he needs to do to be in life?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't matter if he's making six figures or four figures or barely getting by, or you know, loves to homestead out in the back.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like, does he do what he needs to do?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: Does he honor his commitments?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Is he responsible?
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: And can he do the things that he needs to do in life?
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh, that's pretty good.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Writing that down.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: So one day, fam, we'll see what happens, you know.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I don't know.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: But people all that, right?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: But I guess the big part there is to think about, right?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_01: Um, look at a pat look at a person's past, look at what you've been through, look at what you've been through with said person, and ask yourself, um, well, is it going to change?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: But also, do I want to endure this for the next six months?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_01: Do I want to be in the exact same spot two months from now?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be in the same spots one year from now.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: And then say, take a real good look and examination and say, are there reasons?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Can I look and see evidence that something might actually change?
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_01: And if there is something there, then stick in.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: But if there's not, then maybe, just maybe, it may be time for necessary endings.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: I can't see when that is.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to get together and talk, I'll give you my best stuff.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: But if you do find the chance, a time for a necessary ending, I'm going to wrap up and give you four things that I think help make, help you end well.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_01: This is not an all-inclusive list.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: We got to go home tonight, so I'm going to give you a four, right?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_01: My simple professor always told me that three was too short and five was too long, so I do a lot of lists of four here, right?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: All right, if you're gonna do something, if you're gonna end a relationship, a friendship, if you're gonna end a dating relationship, you're gonna do a familial thing.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think I was gonna use separate lists, but I think these four things kind of cover everything, okay?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: Hold me to it, we'll see what happens.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, you've got to be clear in your communication.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_01: Got to be clear in your communication, right?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: You've got to know if you're going into a conversation, one, put some thought into it.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Know what your end goal is, right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Don't go in and try to break up with someone, you're all wishy-washy.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_01: Next thing you know, you leave and you're engaged with them, right?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's not the plan here, right?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: Know what you want to say, be clear and concise and lay it down so that they know what it is that you're doing.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Tell the truth to that friend with care, right?
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: When you think about a conversation like this, you want to think of a sharp scalpel, scalpel for surgery, right?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Not going in just making a big mess.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: Have a clear plan, know what you're gonna say, even if you have to write it down, do that, right?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: The tone that you have a conversation with matters, which means you want to do it in person, right?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Face to face, validate the other, validate the relationship, give thanks to the relationship for what it was, but just say, hey, right now, this you just I can't be a part of this, right?
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's too toxic.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's killing me, it's crushing.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: You need to get when you when you finally help you need, we can make this happen.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: But have very clear communication.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: Second part, there's a big one.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: Closure.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: We all want it.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_01: Jay ain't gonna get it, right?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Very, very rarely.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_01: Very, very rarely you're gonna get closure in a relationship that you want, right?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you know, ask yourself, and part of it, like right, you're assuming that someone's like acting in a reasonable state, but if you're ending a relationship, then more than likely they probably go through some stuff they're not able to act and talk in a very rational way, right?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_01: But as you think about closure, versus friendship or dating, do you ask yourself this question as well.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Do you really want closure for closure's sake?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Are you asking and saying you just want closure because really you just want to keep talking because you want to end up back together again?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we really have to think through what's our what's our what's our purpose behind wanting this closure?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: And don't keep banging your head against the wall over and over and over again.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes you gotta recognize that no matter how much you repeat yourself, how much you talk about it, that it's just not gonna be reciprocated.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: And you gotta be able to release that, let it go.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I've only once experienced this, but I don't know.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_01: I've been there before many, many times, right?
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes you just gotta accept it.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_01: You just gotta accept and say, I'm not gonna get it.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: This is over, I'm not gonna get closure because you also don't want that toxic friend, that toxic girlfriend or boyfriend, that that that parent or uncle, whoever it may be, you don't want them holding that power over you either.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so you want to be able to release that and to let that go and find a way to move forward and invest in you.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: So clear communication.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: I know you want clear, but it's probably not gonna happen.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: And these are two big ones.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: This the next thing are two big ones, and oh my goodness, I've seen this destroy a community in no time at all.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: These are big.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: Keep your circle small.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Keep your circle small.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: When you decide that you're gonna end something or friendship, whatever it might be, find yourself a person, find two, maybe three people that you can share with, but you don't need to go to every single pocket and tell them everything that's going on, right?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's when all the drama starts up and all the different things happen.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: And it's happened before, right?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I've I've experienced where um someone broke up to someone and they went and they told all their stuff to all their friends and all those things, and like two months later, they got back together.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_01: And all the friends are like, what do we do?
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, What do we do?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: And you tell me, right?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: Things, I think, kind of worked out, but like that same thing, right?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: I always um tell married couples as well, as I'm getting pre-marital counseling, and this is hard for people sometimes.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, ladies, when you get married, I know your mama's your person now, but you can't tell your mama every time your husband messes up.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: And guys, you can't tell your mom the same thing and your wife messes up because something's gonna come back together and you're gonna be a Thanksgiving dinner and she's gonna be staring like burning holes through your wife or through your husband, right?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_01: That's gotta be your person.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta keep that circle small and talk about the conflict within that relationship.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's free.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_01: Puma's for all.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_01: Y'all are welcome on that, right?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_01: But keep your circle small.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_01: It also allows grace for the person that has been let go, been pruned for lack of a better word.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: It allows them to experience grace.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_01: It allows in the community like us, like there's you know, 60-ish people here tonight, right?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: What I don't want to do and what I will not do, if there's an awesome couple in here that breaks up, I'm not gonna choose between the two of you.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_01: I love you both, and you're gonna be here, and you're gonna be welcomed here.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes we have a fray group, maybe it's a fantastic three, fantastic five, and they're awesome people, and then something happens, and like the fray group breaks up, and it's like, who's gonna get Wesley?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you both, all of you are welcome here.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're not gonna choose.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you keep your circle small, when you don't talk trash and other stuff that won't use language while I'm preaching about each other, um, in those times, it allows the other people in the room to show both parties grace.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_01: Allows the other people in the room to not have to choose sides and allows them to welcome them and to love them in very real and meaningful ways.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't believe me, talk to Jesus.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus kept his circle small.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_01: He preached to all kinds of people.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_01: Then he had the 12 disciples, and even when the 12 disciples, he had three other ones that he talked to a whole lot more than the other ones, right?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Jesus practiced this as well when it comes to sharing and talking those things.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_01: Meaning quick, clear communication, closure, probably not gonna get it.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: Move on, keep your circles small.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_01: And the last thing, uh, set clear good boundaries, right?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's a friendship, dating relationship, family relationship.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I say this often in in boundary talk, right?
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_01: People that don't respect boundaries absolutely hate it when someone sets up a boundary, right?
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_01: And they're gonna push back all the time.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_01: But as you think about toxic friendships, toxic familiar relationships, you think about um when it comes time to break up with someone, you gotta set good, clear boundaries as part of that clear communication and stick to them.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_01: It protects them and protect protects you.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: And it lasts a little bit, lasts a little bit.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: Again, it's a different kind of talk than normal.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're like, what's going on?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_01: Come back next, come back next week.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_01: So it'll be great.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, this is a free dating tidbit.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: This is a formula that's been um highly studied for many, many years.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: And by that I mean I made it up many, many years ago.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: I believe in it still.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: When you break up with someone you've been broken up with as hard as it is, you gotta set boundaries and you gotta spend some time away.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: In order to ever have a chance ever at all to be friends, you gotta be able to go cold turkey at some point in time.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_01: And the great mathematical formula that I got my math degree and did my research in says it needs to be one week per month that you were dating.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're dating two years, right?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's a long time.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: You're looking at, you know, what, half, I forgot, I don't know, half a year, about half a year, that you're going cold turkey, that you're not texting, you're not talking, right?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Because when you've been dating someone for that long, all your feelings, all your emotions, all your stuff is all mingled up, right?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_01: You got the physical stuff, you got the emotional stuff, and you can't think straight.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: And every time you talk, it kind of lights those fires up in you again, right?
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so find ways to set those clear boundaries and allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to be whole before you have a chance at coming back there together.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, while we do all this stuff, believe that God wants you to thrive, right?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: Wants you to thrive.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and know that friendships sometimes are seasonal, not all the way toxic or bad, but sometimes we just give thanks for the season that we had and the friendships that we had, and we move on.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_01: There are times when we have to prove, and there are times when things come to end.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_01: Our goal as a people of faith is how do we do that in a grace-filled way?
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: How do we do so that honors the dignity in the other person, that allows them to still be children of God?
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: These are some ways I think that it'll be do it.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you do it, it's gonna be hard.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's gonna be so hard.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like sometimes it just stinks.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: Man, I tell people like, especially break it up.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: There you know, ache like a heartache.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: It cuts deep.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: I heard this uh a few months ago.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: I love this.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: It says, but but either way, you gotta choose your heart.
• 22:31
  unknown: Right?
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta choose your heart.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_01: Do you want to still be in the same place six months from now because you haven't made a change and knowing how difficult that's gonna be?
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_01: Or do you want to rip the band-aid and go through and deal with the heart now so that tomorrow can come?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let's be reminded that we don't get to tomorrow until we end today.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_01: And God has something in store for us tomorrow that I believe is better than where we're at today.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: Let us pray.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_01: Holy and gracious God, we give you thanks for this time and for this hour.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_01: As we talk about preeminent, pray, oh God, that you would give us eyes to see things in our lives.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe it's people, maybe it's stuff, maybe it's actions that maybe we need to cut out of our lives.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_01: God, even as we talk about this, we're grateful, O Lord, that you don't cut us away.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_01: That as withered as we may feel sometimes, as dead as may we we may think we are, but you don't give up on us, that you continue to work on us, you continue to cultivate goodness in us.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_01: So continue to pour out your grace upon us, God, strengthen us for the journey ahead, pour out your Holy Spirit upon us, give us wisdom and courage, put people in our lives that we can go to and turn to, even a small circle that we can work through our stuff.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: We're grateful, oh God, that you have called us, that you claim us, that you send us out into the world.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: We love you and praise.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: We ask all us in Christ's holy name.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: Amen.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: The Wesley Word is a production of the Clemson Wesley Foundation.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: For more information about Clemson Wesley, check out our website or follow us on Facebook and Instagram.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, get out there and love your neighbor.