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Want to know if you're headed for Divorce? · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, this is Dr.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: David with Headshrink Inc., and today I'm going to talk about some things that you may not be aware of that will lead to divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: And we both came to the conclusion that you should just start new things once you think about them.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: You shouldn't wait for a new year.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: You should just make that change happen the day that you think about it.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: So that's potentially a time for another podcast.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe I'll have that colleague on at some point and we'll have a conversation about it.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: But today I was reading an article that talked about January and February being some of the highest months for divorce, where people start the process of divorce.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that that probably has to do with I'm going to make a change in my life, unfortunately.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: But I wanted to talk today specifically about some things that people don't pay attention to that could be leading you down the path of divorce.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times when things are going well, I mean, even in my own relationship, when things are going well, we, and I include myself in that, we don't pay attention to the things that we don't pay attention to ruts that we get stuck in.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And it's these ruts that we get stuck in that potentially and unknowingly lead to breakdowns in relationships and then lead people to start that you know contemplation about divorce or start thinking about, oh, if I was with this other person who's so wonderful, life would be so much better.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then by the time you get to that point where you're thinking about being out of the relationship, people often come into my office, and it's really hard to convince them otherwise.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And um, so I just wanted to bring out some, and I have 10 things that I've listed, some things that I've seen that over and over lead to divorces happening in relationships.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: And and these are in no kind of particular order, they're just 10 things that I've seen happen over the course of my years of working with um couples.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things is as when you first get married, it's like you and your spouse, and it's just wonderful because you just have so much time together and you're in love, and the the honeymoon's happening, and and usually you you start having kids, and it's around year five a lot of times for couples that I've interacted with, I think there's probably a study related to it, but it's around year five that people start losing that loving feeling, as the song says.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times, um around year five is when people start, you know, ha thinking about having kids, or they've had kids around year three, and so the terrible twos are happening.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so there's a lot of this stress that's happening around year five that leads people to start thinking, oh, what did I get myself into?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: So number one on my list, and again, it's in no particular order, but what I wrote is not enough time.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: So you have kids, they're in sports, they're in ballerina, they're in horseback riding, they're in gymnastics.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Moms andor dads are working late in the evening, then going to the gym to get a workout, and then they get home and it's seven o'clock in the evening because they've had to fight traffic as well.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And so what you're finding is that you are spending a majority of your day away from your kids or away from your spouse, and then you come back, and then the the tediousness of chores, taking care of things in the home, not having free weekends, um, where is a person down?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you don't get very specific and very pointed about what you're doing with your time, you will find that you never have enough time and you will get frustrated.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you'll n and the thing is you'll have lots of regrets because you'll you'll never regret making your relationships better.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: What you will regret is not making more time for loved ones.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so your kid doesn't have to be in gymnastics, your kid doesn't have to be going to um horseback riding, your kid doesn't have to be doing fill in the blank.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you don't have to work out every night of the week.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to do there's all these fill-in-the-blank things that you don't have to do because what happens is that you take time out for yourself so much more than you do for your family or your spouse that you stop being in a relationship with them and you lose fondness for them, and the results are distance starts to happen.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Second one, and this is a big one, uh, is finances.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: So potentially going into debt over frivolous things, not agreeing on where to spend the money, having separate accounts.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Um, these are the kind of things that are gonna lead to tension in your relationship.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: The big one is I think is having separate accounts.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: Some people are uh l really value that.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I guess I can kind of understand that if you um are are in a blended family and you've been burned in the past financially.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I can I uh I can understand that a little bit, but over time, the more you have separate things and it's separate places where money goes, the more it kind of makes your mind um kind of think of things as separated from your spouse.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: So I've interacted with some couples where you know they have separate accounts, and so one spouse is in charge of paying for um utilities, and another the other spouse is in charge of paying for household um repairs.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so what happens if if you have separate accounts, one account may get drained quicker, uh more quickly than the other account, and so there may be some uh resentment that builds up, and this resentment totally kills intimacy.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And so money potentially is a place where you can um have some struggles, and so you should ad you should just address that head on with your spouse.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: And my suggestion, my big suggestion is don't have separate accounts.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um now again, you may need separate accounts because you're a blended family and and there may be some issues related to that, but usually separate accounts aren't a good idea.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um one of the things I would also suggest with finance is that you teach your kids how to manage their finances because if you don't teach their kids, they're not gonna know how to do it when they're in a relationship with somebody.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that that's something again that's a bonus is teaching your kids how to do money.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: My parents kind of did, they didn't really do it a lot, and so it's something that I kind of had to learn on my own to some degree, but I think, yeah, do it with your kids.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: Number three, um people have a really difficult time breaking away from their family of origin.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, some couples do really well with hanging out with their family of origin, other couples don't do so great.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you, for example, married a mama's boy, a mama's boy has a hard time separating themselves from their mommy.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: And you, as the woman, are the interloper.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I'll do a podcast on mama boys, mom, mama's boys, because I think that's like I I've seen that be a huge hindrance to marriages where the the mom is doing really bad behavior and the the son is not willing to protect his wife and call the mom out on this bad behavior.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: And so a lot of times you can't break away from your family of origin, and it leads to these unforeseen problems.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Initially, when you're married, you think, oh, we'll grow out of it, but then the husband or wife doesn't grow out of it, and it seems like your family of origin is always around, or your your spouse's family of origin is always around.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you consistently place uh priority on your parents, siblings, extended family members, your marriage, I'll guarantee you, your marriage is doomed.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: Because you need to place the importance on the relationship that is right there next to you, not the ones that are living um miles away from you.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: Number four, self-centeredness.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Now, one of the big one of the bigger adjustments in marriage is sharing things.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And um and having kids is another way uh is a big adjustment because having kids and getting married can really show you how selfish and or how self-centered you are, and so that's in my opinion, it's good things.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Like I I have tended to be a selfish person, and it's something that kids really brought to the forefront of my life, how selfish I was.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I love my kids, and it's something that you know I don't want to be selfish with them.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think if if you are selfish and self-centeredness are two different things.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: I think every once in a while it's okay to be selfish, like I want to spend time by myself, or a mom wants to spend time by herself, or a dad wants to spend time by himself with his bros.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Self-centeredness is a little bit more tricky because self-centered is the world revolves around you.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: And what I usually tell people is the sooner you can treat your spouse like you want to be treated, the less likely it will be that your marriage ends in divorce.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: And if you stay self-centered, again, your marriage is gonna be doomed.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: When you make a relationship all about you, it really sucks for everyone else.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: And no one wants to be around you.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: They'll they'll try to be around you.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Your kids have to be around you, but once they're able to be out of the home, they will be out of the home and and you will not have a great relationship with them, most likely.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: So if you know that you're self-centered and you don't care, um, I I feel sorry for you.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: But if you know you're self-centered, you want to change things, then start changing things.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Don't wait for the new year.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um so number five, intimacy.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times men get um lumped in with lumped in with this idea that we cannot have we we don't do intimacy.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that's often kind of a stereotyping myth that happens.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think men can do intimacy, we just do it differently than women.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: But then some men and some women don't do it well, some men don't do it well.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I think when you say, oh, men can't be intimate, I think that's a stereotyping.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not touch talking about sexual intimacy.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about, you know, emotional intimacy.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm talking about letting your spouse know when you're struggling with something, um, letting them know when you've been hurt by their words, etc.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: etc.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, sexual intimacy is important as well.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: But um don't refuse to be imp don't refuse to be intimate because it's definitely a marriage killer.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um and I would say that that goes out to men and women because I know that there's some women who don't want to be intimate with their husbands and it kills their husbands.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh with all these things, if if you're struggling in these areas and your spouse is saying, Hey, I need this from you, and they continue to not get it from you, then um they will find it elsewhere, and which is why affairs happen and divorces then happen.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Um, let's go to number six kids.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: So now um my my my brother-in-law and I joke that when we you know we want to do something, but then the kids get in the way, we call it the loss.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: We're losing out on life.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: But um kind of it's a natural way.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: People get married, and guess what?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Kids come along.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's generally a natural way of things, and um it what's what is not natural but often happens, is that parents often forget one another and fully invest themselves in their children's lives.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I've worked with couples, lots of different couples, and I see this where there's you know several kids and a mom or a dad just gets intensely focused in on that child to the point where the spouse is often second fiddle or they're often forgotten because it's the well-being of the child that is the all-important thing.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I get that kids are important, but y your your spouse is who came along first, and your spouse needs to have some connection with you as well.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you become a child-focused parent, your marriage is not gonna be a good thing because often what happens is that you you become child focused for what 18 years, then your kid moves out, and then oh well now I can pay attention to my spouse or my significant other again, and by that time they're like off doing their own thing, and marriages break apart because you just don't have common interest anymore.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you have kids, I have lots of kids, make sure you uh make time for your significant other.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: Number seven is addiction.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: Um so you may be in a relationship with a man or willing, man or woman who's willing to take uh risks that typical people wouldn't take in order to use mind-altering substances.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, with the prevalence of in my state, Washington, you know, uh marijuana is now legalized for recreational use.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I anticipate it's gonna happen nationwide eventually.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, some people say that you can't be addicted to marijuana, but and and maybe that's true um physically that you can't be, but I think emotionally you can be addicted to marijuana.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: I I think um there's an addiction factor like mentally that you can be addicted to marijuana where people say, I have to have this before I can take on the day.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times in relationships, um people don't want to deal with reality, the difficulties of relationships, and so they turn to substances they steal to get monies to to use these substances, and I'm not just talking about marijuana, I'm talking about methamphetamines, cocaine, what have you.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so addiction really takes a toll on on relationships as well.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're addicted to an illegal, a mind-altering substance, I'm not even gonna say illegal, but a mind-altering substance like alcohol even or marijuana that are legal and it potentially is affecting your relationship, you need to get help for that because you're just not gonna be just by willpower alone, usually you're not gonna be able to stop that addiction.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um abuse.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: So now number eight I have is abuse.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: And again, this is in no particular order, but abuse often starts off like as small things, like your significant other not wanting you to hang out with friends, your significant other wanting to always kind of keep track of you, know where you're at.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um it turns into bigger things, it look like control, and then it just becomes something altogether unexpected, like actual physical abuse.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I think there is a gamut, I think it runs kind of a spectrum, right?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: And and so you as if you're caught in this cycle of abuse, there's two choices.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: You can either deal with it and potentially leave, or you can just stay a victim in it.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes it's hard to get out of a relationship like that because uh the the abuser has set up everything in that relationship so that the victim can't simply just leave.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Um people often feel stuck, then they feel lost, embarrassed, ashamed, and so they don't seek out help.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um and a lot of times abuse can go on for years and people don't even know it's happening.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_01: And so I definitely think that that's something that leads to divorce is abuse, and not dealing with abuse in an appropriate way is something that could ultimately lead to someone losing their life.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: Um number nine, and we talked, I touched briefly on this earlier, but different paths.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the longer a couple is married, the more chances there are that you know different interests can take that couple away from one another.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um maybe your your husband is becoming more interested in a biking club and you had just have no interest in that, or your wife is wanting to prep for a marathon, and you have no interest in prepping for a marathon, and you have you don't even know why she's wanting to run.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: So it's things like these that slowly draw couples apart, and you don't notice it at first.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: You think, oh yeah, they're just gone, but then they start being on more and more, and they start traveling to other parts of the state or other parts of the country for a marathon, and they're with their friends that all speak the same lingo, and you as the spouse or significant other don't go or aren't included in those things.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: And that potentially, the different paths like that potentially are a thing that lead to divorce.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, some people are okay with that, and you have to determine if you're gonna be the one that's okay with that.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said earlier, these are not things I mean, I mean, these are just little things to pay attention to that could potentially lead to divorce in your life.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: And then finally, um number 10 I have is friends.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_01: There are times that some couples they get so focused on activities with friends, um, they forget to make time for themselves.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: Hanging with people is I mean, hanging with people is fun, but it should be secondary to hanging with your significant other who it should be most fun that you're hanging with.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times you see it on or at least I see it on social media a lot where there's you know couples that seem like they're always out with friends.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: And we have no idea when we see what's happening on social media what really is going on, because social media is is like a facade.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's like this fake front that you look at and you think, oh, everything looks looks great in that world.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I know specifically there's couples that I've known where you see their facade of social media, but then behind the scenes there's some type of abuse going on, or there's some type of addiction going on, or there's different paths that they're headed on where they're just not in sync with one another.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: And and I mean, I I fully believe that staying in a marriage or a committed relationship is important, but it's definitely challenging.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're able to stay focused on that marriage or that difficult relationship, rather than the multitude of other things that you could stay focused on or that could trip you up, you're more likely to stay connected and grow deeper in your relationship.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: Plus, the added benefit is that if you have kids, it's something that your kids are going to uh really value in their life, that their parents stayed together, that their parents are working on things.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're when your kids see that, they want to do that in their own lives over and over again.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_01: And so my encouragement for you is if you have any of these 10 areas that you look at and think, oh, you know, that might be kind of taking over a little bit, go talk with your significant other about it and see what they think.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: And if you both agree, yeah, this is something that we are kind of worried about and we want to address, then either address it and figure it out yourself or seek out a marriage and family therapist to help you kind of help you figure it out and come up with some boundaries around whatever it is.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_01: Now, there may be any number of things, but those are kind of like big ten things that I've seen when I've worked with a couple.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_01: There could be other things as well.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_01: But again, bottom line for me is that when I'm working with couples, if you see something like that, um, let's address it.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you put it under the table, it's just gonna stay under the table and get bigger and bigger and bigger until it gets to the point where five years down the road in a relationship, it's just so big and you there's so much to unpack, and it's just too difficult that a person is going just to decide, I don't want to do it anymore, and I'm gonna move on.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're trying to avoid.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, thanks for listening in today.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, if you have an email question you wanted me to answer, feel free to email me at Head Shrink Inc.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's headshrinkinc at gmail.com or look me up on Facebook at DocDavid.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: Take care.