Latest / Motherhood Alliance Podcast / Rediscovering Identity in the Shifting Seasons of Motherhood w/ Tina Wankey | Roots of Healing
Transcript
- Britney: We are excited to dive into today's topic because I think just based on the title, so many people are going to be clicking on this because they can identify with it and it is rediscovering identity in the shifting seasons of motherhood. This is a huge struggle for women. So I'm excited to dive into this and actually have a real conversation around it. And I know you have some like tips for us at the end of like how to actually rediscover yourself. But before we really get into the topic, I want to learn a little bit about you because you're a first time guest here. I know a fun fact that you shared with us is that you started an apprenticeship as a hairstylist when you were 19. I'm gonna go ahead and guess you're not doing hairstyling on the side at this time, so tell us about that and your journey. Tina Wankey: Yes. Nope, I am not. So interesting ⁓ enough, when I did that, I was thinking of like a second job, like, you know, extra income, a extra resource of money. ⁓ I was actually in school for ⁓ accounting. So I've definitely gone through like accounting and therapy, like do not go hand in hand, I will say that for sure. And when was in high school, when I did my career placement testing, Britney: everyone, we are Brit and Drea from motherhoodalliance.com and we are excited to welcome you to a three episode series with Tina Wankey the founder of Roots of Healing. Tina began her career as a mental health therapist, eventually expanding into integrative modalities that support the whole person, including psychotherapy, wellness coaching, hypnotherapy, sound healing, and much more. She is most passionate about helping women who feel burned out, disconnected, or weighed down emotionally return to clarity, confidence, and embodiment. Andrea Renkas: interesting. Tina Wankey: It came up as ⁓ accounting or counseling. And I was just like, there is no way that I can be responsible for other people's issues, problems, struggles, because like that was like way too much for me to take on. So I totally avoided that. Even though everything I did, I was looking at mental health. I mean, I was doing reports on mental health, reading books about mental health. ⁓ there was like this denial thing because of my own self-esteem. Britney: Outside of her work, Tina enjoys early morning workouts, being in nature, traveling, and spending time with her family. Tina, we are so excited to welcome you to today's conversation. Andrea Renkas: interesting. Tina Wankey: Thank you. Thank you for having me here. Britney: Mm. Tina Wankey: ⁓ that I didn't go down the path that I was meant to go down. But we all go down the path that we go down and it leads to where we're at. So what happened is, so I started the apprenticeship and I did that for a little bit and I never finished it ⁓ I struggled with just doing a straight haircut, like just a long straight haircut. And I was just like, I can't do this. ⁓ it was always crooked. ⁓ I eventually realized I could cut my dad's hair. Andrea Renkas: Mm-hmm. like across the back kind of thing. Yeah. Okay. Tina Wankey: I could do a guy's cut, I could not do a straight cut for some reason. So I thought, I don't think this is going to be a thing for me. So I ended up not doing that. I was a receptionist at a salon. So that's why it was kind of easy to do the apprenticeship because I was already there. So then what happened is when I was about 25, I decided that I wanted to go back to school, but I had no clue what I wanted to go back to school for. And I'm going to date myself because I pulled out a paper catalog. I don't even know if you can get paper catalogs anymore for colleges and just flip through it just looking to see like what's in here, what am I attracted to, drawn to. And it was the social work field and helping people because literally every job I was going for was about, it was like in a medical field where we did research and development. So I was doing, I was a secretary for research and development. And then I was in retail. I was always looking for jobs that were with people. Andrea Renkas: ⁓ yeah. Tina Wankey: So I ended up going, starting my bachelor's at UW Oshkosh for social work. And one of the professors there said that if you want to have the biggest amount, largest amount of opportunity possible, go for your LCSW, which is a licensed clinical social worker. She says, then you have many opportunities. And I'm like, okay, still was not thinking therapist. So I get into my master's degree. have got in for advanced standing. So I had 15 months. And as I'm going through it, literally the place that I applied to do my placement at my internship was Rogers Memorial. So was inpatient mental health. So there's like all these signs like everything's mental health based, it's around therapy, but I wasn't clearly seeing the signs until one day I'm just like, I think I want to do the counseling thing. So then I went into the counseling. as was ⁓ working the field, Britney: Hmm. Andrea Renkas: Hahaha Tina Wankey: then I ended up getting a position in what was called the affinity medical group at the time. Now it's Ascension. And I was the behavioral health therapist for internal medicine and family medicine at a particular location. And it was all about like a medical model, health type of model, whole person model. And I was learning was that there was more to life than just the, you know, just like, cognitive behavioral therapy, like just the thoughts. Like there's more that was fueling the impact of why someone's mental health was off. So as I was there, I started a master's degree in holistic nutrition to make the connection from the nutrients to the mental health. And in that process, I was told that I couldn't use it in my practice, which mind boggling to me because it was all, all my papers, everything were connected to mental health. Britney: Mm-hmm. Tina Wankey: But at the time, there wasn't as much connection and validation ⁓ and for looking at the two. Now ⁓ it's more popular now than it was then. And so ⁓ what did when I went into private practice from there, like within a year, I was able to incorporate the two. And it was just like a lack of understanding because they were saying it wasn't in my scope of practice. in scope of practice, end up, for my field is you obtain whatever education you need that your clients So I figured master's degree has to hit it. So then I finished out my master's degree. And then through time, I started getting exposed to other ⁓ fields could also help clients. So I started to learn about energy and the connection ⁓ of to the body, the mind. I did a training in energy psychology. I did training in Reiki. And then I also did biofield tuning training, which is with tuning forks. And then I also added in hypnotherapy. And think that hits everything. ⁓ theta healing. Like there's been so many different things that I've done where I just pull pieces from the different modalities. ⁓ Britney: haha Andrea Renkas: The whole package. Tina Wankey: but it's all built up into what I'm using now with my clients and I've used it myself. There are things that I have found to be beneficial for myself and the whole process. Yes. Right. Right. Yeah. Britney: Wow, all the way from accounting. I mean, imagine, imagine what your life would look like if you were an accountant right now. It would look way different. Well, thank you for sharing that. And then also, I mean, you do have a child. How old is your kiddo? Andrea Renkas: Amazing. Tina Wankey: Yes, she is 17. So it were in these teenage years, and it's definitely interesting to see the sassy attitude that can come out. Britney: Well, and as you're talking about your journey, you know, I'm also thinking about our topic of today of how your identity shifts and changes. And so that was obviously your career journey, but then there's also the like internal and mental journey of trying to pursue these types of things, but also trying to be present as a parent and present as a spouse and like do all the other things of life. So I think I'd love to just kickstart. Tina Wankey: Yeah. Yes. Yes. Britney: this topic today with hearing a little bit about your experience Tina and how your identity struggled maybe a little bit or shifted when you became a parent. Tina Wankey: Yeah. Yeah. So in my journey, what happened is husband has been deployed twice. And when daughter was born, or I say before she was even born, when we were trying to get pregnant, we knew there was potential for him to be deployed. So we knew that there was a chance that I would be a single mom basically for like that first year. And, and that's happened. So literally the day she was born, he left that next day. to do some training for Iraq and then was gone until for, was it a year? Yeah, a year. Cause he was back right around her birthday. Yeah. Cause it was second deployment. First one was 15 months. That's when I was getting confused. Yeah. So I had to do the single mom thing for the first year. So it was definitely a learning experience where I can relate to those moms who, especially with a baby doing it on your own is a hard thing to do. Andrea Renkas: you Tina Wankey: because you don't have someone there in the middle of the night to help with feedings or diaper changes or to give you breaks in the day. Now I did have, his family was literally like 10 minutes away, 15 minutes away. So I had support, but I didn't want to utilize the support that was there. Like they had no problems coming over to help and babysit. And I was just like, okay, I got to go do my errands as fast as I can to get back as fast as I can. Andrea Renkas: Gosh. Tina Wankey: so that I wasn't putting them out for helping. I kicked myself for that because his dad always would babysit and he loved babies. He loved babies. Yeah. Yeah. And, but it was just mental set. My mindset was like, I got to do this on my own. I got to be strong. ⁓ I have to get through so ⁓ when I was going through that year, there was definitely, you know, ⁓ Andrea Renkas: Yeah, feeling Britney: Yeah, Andrea Renkas: Yeah, I was gonna say, feel like they'd love it. They would love it. Tina Wankey: um, some ups and downs. Like when I look back at it, I'm like, oh yeah, I got through it. But then when I look back at it and really think about it and I'm like, Ooh yeah, there was more ups and downs than I realized. But I wanted my husband to know everything was okay. Everything was fine. You know, on this end, well, he was over there. So just that first year in and of itself was definitely a challenge. And when you feel like you have to do it all, That makes it very difficult. And I know there's moms that are out there that have a significant other and the significant other doesn't do anything. Like they think it's all supposed to be a responsibility on the mom to do all of the caretaking. So then they're still in that same boat. Even if they have somebody there, they still are in that same boat of feeling like everything's on me. I got to do everything. Britney: And I feel like there's such, it's so hard with that, especially with the first child, when you go from having your, your time is your time. Like you can do whatever you want with your time. And now all of a sudden, like, especially in your circumstance, you, time is not your time. You're dictated by naps ⁓ feedings ⁓ like, you really lose ⁓ of your hobbies because it's just a lot harder to do that with a lot of hobbies, especially like athletics when you have a baby. So that's, that's huge. And that's part big part of the identity right is now we feel like we have all these that we have to do and we don't get to do things that we want to do that made us feel calm and and regulated and joy filled right even though there's plenty of joy within having a baby it's just different so how do how have you seen women struggle with this Tina Wankey: Yes. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I see women struggle with this in ⁓ so many different and at so many different points in their life, whether it's young kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers, they're out of the house, ⁓ college, whatever, ⁓ forties, you like from all ranges. Women can really struggle with feeling like they're supposed to just be focused on everybody else. And I feel like that's a, well, it's programmed into us. It's programmed into ⁓ society and how it's being portrayed. And I think that shift is changing for people, but it's still there. So I think the big thing is, is just feeling like you always have to put everybody else first and put your needs second. ⁓ when you become a mom, you like, you got, you have an infant, you got to take care of their needs. being met are based on your, you know, you as the mom being able to take care of them, keep them safe, keep them fed. Everything is just focused on them. Like there really isn't that time to be able to not focus on them because that's your main priority. So it's just like your gear shift. And now it's like almost in a tunnel vision and we need to be able to take in ⁓ acknowledge we do still need to have time to ourselves. Like we still need to have breaks. Andrea Renkas: Well, and as you were saying that too, you're saying you see women from all different seasons, right? So not just like early motherhood dealing with that very drastic identity change. But I'm thinking like, and I are almost in our 40s, right? And we have, we don't have teenagers yet, but these seasons of kids growing up and then eventually when they get out of the house, I feel like that's another whole identity shift too. Tina Wankey: Okay. yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, because then all of a sudden it's like everything's focused on what the kids need. even our daughter, she got her driver's license last summer and I was just like, ⁓ thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Like I don't have to run her to and from school. ⁓ If feeling sick and needs to come home, she can just come home. If she wants, you know, like she wants to go to Culver's to get something, she can just go and get something to eat. You know, like I don't have to. be there every second, which is nice, but then it's also like another scary level because it's like, ⁓ now she's driving and she's out there and that means college is around the corner. And then there's no one else in the house then it's just the two of us and the animals. Andrea Renkas: Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, I just think like with with kids or like when you're a mom and you've been a mom for however many years, then your kids go off to college and they just spread their wings with which they're supposed to. That's why we raise them, right? It's to become adults, great adults and just go out into the world. But then as a mom is me, I would be that would be an identity shift to a bet for someone that are it's challenging. Britney: I think about back to those little years, the burnout, burnout from because your job is 24 seven. Your job is never ending. It's 3 a.m. It's at 7 a.m. It's at noon and all these different things. I mean, I mean, I don't know any woman that wouldn't say that she got she's been burnt out and overstimulated when the kids are home all the time and when you have multiple kids and there's just noise all the time. So there's like that season, but I do remember when my youngest was, I don't know, maybe like five-ish. I do remember having this moment of we were at a family cabin, we were with cousins and it was like, the kids went outside to play and I was like, I'm comfortable with my kids' ages the way that they are now being out there without me needing to be right next to them. Like, they feel safe. What do I do with myself? Like, do I get a book? But I still have to like keep an eye on them. But what do I like to do anymore? Maybe I need some new hobbies. Maybe I need to take up knitting because that's something I can sit and do. And so it's almost like crave the person you used to be, but you're also shifting at the same time. into not being the person you used to be. So I'd love to just, I guess, jump into how do women rediscover themselves in these different seasons of life? Tina Wankey: Yeah, I think there's a like, taking a moment to take a step back. And I should say it's longer than a moment. But it's like taking a moment, you know, taking a step back to really start thinking about like who like, who it is that they want to be. ⁓ And also to the behaviors that they've and why they're doing them. Because I think what can happen for a lot of people is kind of think about it like we have to find busy work because it's almost like as a mom you're constantly multitasking and you're with a kid and then you're dealing with the dog and then you're dealing you know dealing with the significant other ⁓ and it feels like you have all these different things, works coming at you and it feels like you're always multitasking ⁓ but when you have peace and calm it's kind of a uncomfortable feeling because it's like now what do I do like you said like Should I get a book or what should I do? And I think sometimes it ends up being, we to find like, I'm going to say chaos, but it's almost like we got to have that, you know, kind of like go, go, go, go, go type of stimulation that's happening ⁓ because don't know how to take a step back and just relax. So we really think it's first just kind of exploring like, okay, what behaviors do I like doing? What am I doing that I really enjoy doing? Andrea Renkas: Stimulation, yeah. Tina Wankey: what did I used to do that I haven't done that I might want to do again. And really kind of deciphering, kind of sorting through, like if you're looking through, ⁓ I think of what it's called, where you're kind of sifting through the sand to kind of find the diamonds, to find the crystals are in there. kind of got to figure out like what's the most important things to yourself and also the new discoveries of maybe who you want to be or things you want to do that maybe you've never tried before. Britney: Mm-hmm. And I know you have kind of like three pillars of that you kind of walk women through conscious work, subconscious work, energetic type work. Can you walk us through those three things and then through those I'd love for people to be able to take like tangible ideas on what they can do identify with themselves in their current season. Tina Wankey: Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So the three areas, like I call them like the fields of the soul, because one of my programs is called soul expansion, is the conscious, the subconscious, and then the energetic fields. And each these are different areas that impact us. So ⁓ like when was doing therapy, well, I'm still doing therapy, but in the beginning, ⁓ it was on cognitive, like the conscious part. Like, what are you aware of? And when it comes to that conscious part, that is literally how you're thinking, feeling, your ⁓ responses you're aware of, not the automatic responses. That's different. So like as you're speaking, you're ⁓ a thought, as you're strategizing how you're going to respond to something, or you're at work and you're figuring out a plan of action for something. That's all the conscious part of your mind. And in the conscious part of your mind, then one for that part, that's the part where you can just take a step back and you can say, okay, why, why am I thinking this way? What are the thoughts I'm having and is it about the thoughts that are me? If you're having a struggle, with, why do I behave this way? Like, why I reacting this way? Like, I know when someone starts getting whiny, it just strikes a nerve, you know? So then it's looking at, ⁓ why is it that, like that's striking a nerve? I always, like consciously you could say, Andrea Renkas: Food. Tina Wankey: When I hear whining, it just irritates me. It just agitates me. And why is that? Well, it could be just because may have been so much, like could have been your own childhood, and then you would get in trouble if you whined. It could be you had kids that deal a lot of whining. And a conscious level, you're just identifying, ⁓ okay, I know where this stems from, this reaction that I'm having? and just thinking about it and starting to be more aware. Because the key in all of these having awareness. So being in tuned with why may be happening and catching and stopping yourself when there's something you might be struggling with so that you can take and look at it and just kind of assess, okay, I'm thinking this, but do I really need to think it and why? And I know that's kind of like a broad example. But sometimes we just have to just slow down and really think about like, am I responding this way? Why am I doing this? Like, do I need to? And just doing that baseline assessment to start that awareness. Because if we're not starting with a simple baseline awareness, we can't do any of the other work. Because you need that in order to get into the deeper stuff. Britney: Sure. And that conscious piece, I feel like that makes sense to people, right? Because if you're having thoughts or so many thoughts during the day that we have and we're like, is this truth or is this something that I'm just telling myself? But now the subconscious piece, you're not thinking about or noticing. So dive into that one, because that one's really hard to comprehend. Andrea Renkas: Yeah. Tina Wankey: Yes, that one's the deeper layer because the subconscious is where we just get programmed from our past events that we've experienced, things that have happened to us. This is an area that we're not necessarily aware of it unless we're going into that subconscious state to start bringing some things up. So someone might in a conscious sense know, like I know I get triggered. because of this happening to me when I was a kid. My mom would always get on my case and she would always yell at me for this. So whenever I hear somebody yell, I get triggered and I just shut down. And I know that consciously. But when we go into the subconscious part, into the deeper layer where that's been programmed, there's deeper meaning that can come up from that. So even if you have a conscious awareness from where things come from, When you go into the subconscious part, there's a different awareness that happens that allows for a different shift to occur. So it allows for, it's almost like you're bringing another layer of awareness up. And when we have that deeper layer of awareness and we can understand why things are happening, why we're responding the way we are, we can change it. So when we do hypnotherapy, one of the things that comes up is we go into that subconscious and even if it's something you're aware of, we go into what is the role, function, purpose and intention of that. Because any issues that we have that we're struggling with, it was created out of some, I'd say like protective mechanism. So there was a part of us that felt we need to respond this way to keep yourself safe. But Unfortunately, that can stay and create problems for us because we don't need to respond that way anymore. Like if we were a little kid and something happened to us, we may have felt like we needed to, if I stay quiet and I don't say anything, then I won't get yelled at. But then as an adult, we stay quiet, we don't say anything, and then we're always being taken advantage of. So we can take and make that shift. So with the subconscious piece is really looking at the deeper layer and understanding and diving deeper into that to understand better of where it's coming from. Britney: So do you feel like if these can be identified, even though we can't change the circumstances around us, meaning like the season of life that our kids are in and they're still gonna need us and we still have all these responsibilities, does uncovering the subconscious piece give more freedom? how does that relate to who you are and how you're telling yourself you are within your identity, as well as, so kind of a two-part question. Is this something that you can do on your own at home or do you really need to see someone like you that can help get into the subconscious? Tina Wankey: Yeah. Yeah. So sometimes people can get into the subconscious on their own. But after done some work with someone who can get into the subconscious, so you can kind of know and understand where that comes from. ⁓ So you ⁓ get into the subconscious part and you change that, it can change your identity, identity because you can literally work on programming yourself of how you want to be. So that's where a hypnotherapy session comes in. So then you can start making the shifts faster into who you want to be by ⁓ uncovering what the struggle is in the subconscious part of the mind. Britney: Very interesting. Okay. And then there was a third pillar here. Tina Wankey: Yes. Yeah. So the energetic part. So this is the biofield. And just basically with the biofield to kind of summarize it up in an easy way is just that we have this field that's around us energy wise. So like we breathe air, you can't see the air. But you know, from school, that air, oxygen, there's particles, everything vibrates, and connected, but you can't see it. So we have this biofield that's around us. And in this biofield, it actually holds, just like the subconscious in a way, holds imprints of events that have happened to us throughout our life that have impacted us. So it's just on a different level that these events, emotions, traumas that have happened to us are being held, and also the good things. So on the energetic side of things, there are different things that you can do. on your own or with someone that you can influence that ⁓ energy field. I know that's something we're going to be talking about in another podcast. So I don't want to go into deep too deep into that. ⁓ Britney: Well, just give us some high level examples because we are going to have a whole episode on like sound medicine. But are there other things that people can do at home? I mean, even just finding quiet time, you know, does that impact that? So what are some things that people could do at home? And we'll dive more into the science of things later, but it would be helpful just to kind of make a list if that makes sense. Tina Wankey: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, quiet is definitely important because we get overstimulated. So we definitely need to have some downtime and some quiet time. But when it comes to sound, like music, find music that you like, that you enjoy, that you connect with. that can make a huge difference if you feel like you just need to kind of reset, recharge ⁓ get your bearings in alignment. And then you can also go to like YouTube and you can listen to singing bowls. You can do frequencies, ⁓ listening to frequencies. And there, I mean, if you have tuning forks, you can utilize tuning forks yourself. There's also program software. ⁓ There are many different things in regards to the energetic side things of just introducing frequencies ⁓ into your life. Britney: Is this also similar to grounding? Like if you go outside, you hear people talking about grounding outside or grounding mats or grounding sheets, things like that? Tina Wankey: Yep, that's all connected into energy and frequencies. Britney: so for this episode, if you would have just a last word of encouragement or advice for a woman who is feeling like she doesn't know who she is anymore, ⁓ has lost her, the identity of who she used to be, she doesn't really know where she is going in the future, all she knows right now is I'm mom and that's my full identity and I don't even know who I am independently anymore. What would be your last words of encouragement or advice? Tina Wankey: Yeah, I would say just take a step back know ⁓ that it's important ⁓ you put yourself first because if you're not taking care of yourself and having yourself in a good space, that influences all of those around you and just it has an impact on them. So it's not being selfish. away the You don't have to feel guilty about wanting to figure out what you need as a person. because you've been spending your time focusing on other people. It's important for you to put yourself first and to figure out what you need to do. So I would say first, just starting with acknowledging that it's not selfish. You shouldn't feel guilty about it. And you should feel good that you're in a spot where you're like, I want to do something for myself and start coming back to who I am. Britney: I love that. Well, Tina, I just love your background and your advice here. And I know we talked about you are doing therapy still. You're also doing these other like holistic modalities. So typically when you're helping women, is like the, ⁓ the type of clientele that people are coming to you for? Like what are some of the things that you specialize in? And then are you always blending therapy and the holistic modalities or are they independent of each other? Tell us a little bit about who you serve and what you do. Tina Wankey: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So on the therapy aspect, I can only work with people who are in Wisconsin because I'm only licensed in Wisconsin. So if someone needs to work on the deeper trauma pieces, if they want, if they want to do the talk therapy, if they're having life events that are happening and they just need someone to talk, talk through things with, uh, then the therapy aspect can be an option. Um, otherwise the other modalities. then those are through the packages that I have. So if someone wants to look at like the women return package, which incorporates the hypnotherapy, the cognitive, the tuning forks, the energy healing, of those things, then ⁓ different packages and different levels where people can ⁓ that out. Britney: And that's all listed on your website, right? Okay. Well, we'll link to that in the show notes. Thank you for this first episode. I think it's just encouraging to know number one, that we're not alone. And number two, that there's people like you that can help us through these seasons because it is a true struggle. It is this true struggle for women, but we do have two more episodes with you coming up. Our next one, like we hinted toward, we're going to be diving into sound medicine. So if people have ever heard about like sound baths or things like that, like how does this actually work and what is it doing? ⁓ and then our last episode, we're going to be talking about Tina Wankey: Yes. Britney: to regulate your energy, to regulate your home. And when you chose this topic, I was like, yes, because I truly am the thermostat of our house. Like how I'm feeling is going to dictate the environment my husband is walking into and how my kids are behaving. And so I'm excited to learn more about this topic and talk about it. So two more episodes coming up. We can't wait. Tina Wankey: Yes. Thank you.